I don't feel right in my head anymore, does this pass?

[eye of the storm]

Kiera, I want to reach thru the computer and smack you, then pour you a class of wine and help you get this fixed. Sigh, I ache for you honey.

 

 

First things first. Stop wasting your therapy dollars on this azzhat. He is not the problem, he has never been the problem. The fact you think so little of yourself is the problem. You need to spend time figuring out why you think you deserve to be treated like this. Then spend time building yourself up so that you know, deep down inside, that you are worth more and deserve more.

 

 

Once you get that worked out all the other issues will be much easier to work on.

 

 

You have a kid. Do you really want him growing up thinking his mother is a doormat? That she is something to wipe your feet on? I know you are still grieving for your lost child but you cannot let that define you. You still have a child that needs you.

 

 

Kiera, you have a man that did everything he could to degrade you. And if he calls tomorrow I bet you will drop everything and go to him. Tell your therapist that you no longer want to focus on him you want to focus on you and if she can't do that, find another one. You need to move forward, not rehash the past.

 

 

Kiera, only you can decide how people will treat you. Sending you lots of love and hope.

[kieraglass]

Anika and Eye,

 

You sound like my two close friends.

 

I'm actually a pretty tough person. Hard on guys. High standards. Not a doormat. I've cut guts off at the knees for not meeting my needs. Repeatedly. Inappropriate men, they never stood a chance. Loved a guy, he was into scratch tickets. I was like, seriously? Goodbye. Lived with a guy, he said he didn't want kids. I was 34. Goodbye. I had a spine and i was not afraid to be alone. At all.

 

Til this. And I do not understand it. I explain it in that he moves me, stirs something in me, but who the flip knows. Maybe I'm just dense and over time have lost my bawls.

 

I look back at the woman who left that shared home at 34 with a suitcase and his well wishes, and I'm amazed. I had no one, and nowhere to go, but it was time. I didn't want to waste another moment on someone who couldn't love me as I did them. I knew I deserved a child like all my friends. Would I get one? I didn't know. But I left anyway. Toot suite.

 

Gotta get back to that woman. Trying.

 

It can happen.

[wizer]

I really lost it. Rage. Finally. Worse than ever. I told him he disgraced our lost child with his cowardice, and that he has no balls. On and on.

 

When I got home he dumped me by a single text.

 

Done. It's for the best. Move on and forget about me.

 

I sent him a photo of the baby and told him to shove it, and raged some more. I told him to never contact me again. He responded that he will not.

 

 

You said all of those things to him, but you did not break up with him. It wasn't over until HE texted you to dump you in a single text, only at which point did you tell him to never contact you again.

 

So it naturally follows that if he hadn't dumped you, this thing would still be going on between you. That is sad, very sad. He did you a favor by dumping you since you don't have the strength to end it yourself.

 

At any rate, you can move on, unless of course he changes his mind and calls you, which is entirely possible.

[kieraglass]

You said all of those things to him, but you did not break up with him. It wasn't over until HE texted you to dump you in a single text, only at which point did you tell him to never contact you again.

 

So it naturally follows that if he hadn't dumped you, this thing would still be going on between you. That is sad, very sad. He did you a favor by dumping you since you don't have the strength to end it yourself.

 

At any rate, you can move on, unless of course he changes his mind and calls you, which is entirely possible.

 

I recognize that you're the one who said I'm getting my arse kicked by karma, but I'll forgive that.

 

You're right.

 

And that's messed up.

 

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves for a reason.

[Lois_Griffin]

He treats everyone with respect, even people who can do nothing for him. I always watch for that in people.

Oh my God - no he doesn't!

 

He treats his wife with utter disrespect as he's been lying to her and cheating on her and plotting his so-called escape from her for years.

 

He treats his kids like sh*t because instead of being a real, true dedicated father to them, he's been plotting the demise of their family unit for years and has continually gambled with their familial security for YEARS. Anyone who risks their marriage for years - like he's done - is risking the security of the very children they claim to love so much. And lastly, the evenings or weekend time he spent with you was time he should have and could have been spending with his kids. So no, he does NOT treat his own kids with respect.

 

And lastly, the utter disrespect he's shown you over and over and over again is immeasurable at this point.

 

All he's done is keep you hanging at the end of his line with his empty promises and sugary words, all for his own selfish purposes. And I know this is going to sound harsh to you, but based on what you've said about this guy, I don't believe for one minute that he wasn't secretly relieved that he wasn't going to be a father again, after all. I can't even begin to know what it's like to lose a child and my heart goes out to you, it truly does. But I think your grief goes much deeper than his ever did or will.

 

Aren't you tired of selling off little pieces of your soul just to have this man in your life 15% of the time? Aren't you tired of that yet?

[Lois_Griffin]

It wasn't over until HE texted you to dump you in a single text, only at which point did you tell him to never contact you again.

And as is usually the case, when he's looking for an escape again and someone to look at him like he's King of the world and someone to lavish love and sex and lots of ego strokes on him, he'll be back.

 

Because it's STILL - and always has been - all about HIM.

[eye of the storm]

Remember the movie Plesantville? (good movie BTW) the dad asked the son why things were different and the son said because people change. The dad asked if people can change back and the son said he didn't think it was that easy.

 

 

You are not the same person you were 5 years, 5 months, 5 weeks, 5 days, or even 5 seconds ago. Every thing you experience changes you. You learn new knowledge, develop new habits or new thought processes. And that can be a great thing. You are not the person that use to be an a$$ kicker. And that is ok. You can learn new a$$ kicking. You are not the person that stood up for herself and walked away from an unhealthy relationship. And that is ok. You can learn new ways was walking away from unhealthy relationships.

 

 

I was a strong person, then I got married. 18+ years later a shell of what I once was emerged. I was not even close to the same person. But I am stronger now than I was even before the marriage. Because I have learned how easy it is to get lost so I hold on to what I want me to be even tighter. I have scar tissue that shows I have the strength to withstand pain and hardship. I had to learn to forgive myself for letting me go. All of it added together makes me a better person now. But I am not the person I was.

 

 

You are going to have to decide where you will go from here. Are you going to move on and grow from it. Are you going to stay here and wait for him to "forgive" you and take you back. Are you going to let this define you?

 

 

I hope you find peace and move on. Your future is waiting.

[kieraglass]

 

And lastly, the utter disrespect he's shown you over and over and over again is immeasurable at this point.

 

All he's done is keep you hanging at the end of his line with his empty promises and sugary words, all for his own selfish purposes. And I know this is going to sound harsh to you, but based on what you've said about this guy, I don't believe for one minute that he wasn't secretly relieved that he wasn't going to be a father again, after all. I can't even begin to know what it's like to lose a child and my heart goes out to you, it truly does. But I think your grief goes much deeper than his ever did or will.

 

Aren't you tired of selling off little pieces of your soul just to have this man in your life 15% of the time? Aren't you tired of that yet?

 

 

Absolutely I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be nutting out anonymously on this forum. And I wouldn't be nutting out on him here and there. I'm Nutting out far and wide. Nuts a poppin.

 

I agree with you entirely.

[irishguy]

I think your relationship with your mother can be fixed if you stop letting this guy back into your life ,sounds like shes not bothering anymore because you keep running back to him when he clicks his fingers ,seriously why dont you block him and delete everything of his from your life .Maybe then you can start to move on

[MM_20Y]

But he was married. Why would anyone expect a man who would cheat on his wife to be the kind to stick by a partner on the side?

[kieraglass]

(Please don't move this thread? I'm so struggling, and would welcome responses.)

 

It's like I've finally snapped. I saw the past year's ruins, my marriage, my home, my seven year old child struggling with his fractured life because of my selfish choices....All the pain and devastation this affair of mine inflicted on everyone around me. I did all this. Me. And I cannot forgive myself.

 

I went off on MM again, out of nowhere, at his 9 pm curfew time the other night. He must be home by 9:30 or all hell breaks loose. We'd spent just over an hour and a half together on my patio, and I snapped like Sybil when he went to go.

I so desperately didn't want him to go, didn't want to be alone. It's been fourteen months since I left my marriage pregnant. In two weeks it will be the anniversary of our premature little boy's death. I was a total witch. Just inconsolable.

 

I haven't heard from him since- since he left the driveway Wednesday night. I called yesterday weeping into his vm for the first time and said goodbye. I told him I tried so very hard to be in this, but that I'm falling apart lately. That i don't feel right and I need it to end. That i know we can't be together, ever, and that I only ever wanted him. That it's finally time. I took so much of the blame. I don't know why. I actually apologized to him for not being able to go on any longer.

 

He's promised all along that we'd be together after last kid left for school. That's next month. I have never believed him. He started moving the time line forty five minutes after we left the funeral home with arrangements for our baby's cremation. Literally, that afternoon. I had just given birth two days before.

 

"Well," he said, sipping his drink at the restaurant, "I guess this changes the timeline a bit. It'll be four to six months now."

 

December. February? I felt nothing, said nothing. I was bleeding so heavily that when I went into the restroom to pee and stood up to wipe, I left puddles of blood all over the floor. I remember crying hysterically and trying to wipe them up with paper towels. Smearing them all over the fancy slate tile. I thought I was crying about the baby, but he'd just said this, four to six months now...I was down there in my blood just crying and scrubbing and crying. Then I fixed my eyes, put on lip gloss, and went back to our seats acting like nothing had happened.

 

I've never done what I did yesterday.. Left an emotional vm. Not even the night I called him from the hospital bed to tell him that the baby was gone, and that I had named him after him. I was entirely alone in that dim room, and i remained composed. I'm not sure how it has taken this long for me to break, but it did. I'm reeling, overwhelmed. Right where I should have been last fall.

 

Delayed reaction. I don't know. But it feels like my chest is filled with buckshot. I can't believe any of this has gone down.

 

Where is my life? My home, where i lived happily for years, watching my son running from room to room laughing? My son, my poor little boy. My elderly dog, who slept with me every night. Everything is gone. Everything i loved. I chucked it all. Thought of nothing but him, his promises, his face.

 

He has taken everything, and i let him. I feel degraded and empty and lost.

 

We think we matter so much to them, that they mean what they say to us.

 

They don't. It's all a game to keep the ego stroked and the sex coming.

 

My situation as the OW was extreme, and i learned the hard way- when the chips are down, and you need them the most, there are crickets.

 

I don't feel right. I want to get myself back. I feel so destroyed by all of this, so broken down, the constant back and forth, the way he goes dark when i snap and he sees how deeply he has hurt me.

 

He's been trying to keep me his barbie doll dirty little secret through a year when all there is for me is pain. I can't do it anymore. I'm messing up his Feng shui. How dare i challenge him. How dare I break protocol and weep.

 

I hate how angry and cruel I am now sometimes. I loved him. I tried to be so brave for him. I even slept in car for him pregnant and penniless when my raging H drained the accounts.

 

I thought this was important. I thought he was. I can't believe I did this to my life and my son, all for a baby, and a man, who never were.

 

And I don't even deserve a text, a goodbye. Nothing. Not a word since wednesday when he drove off.

 

I deserved so much better than this. I thought he hung the stars in the sky.

Edited July 31, 2015 by kieraglass

[LovelyBrown]

Oh my goodness, I'm sending you a huge hug and wishing you peace. Thank you for sharing your story of heartbreak, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

This is where you can begin again, life is not over you are not done. Take care of yourself, there can be no other way but up! Wipe those tears, use this energy for healing and please try to keep this guy out of your life he is toxic to you.

Love and light to you. Your story brought tears to my eyes.

[truncated]

it's no wonder you are in the state you are in. You've been severely wounded, only your wound is in your heart and mind where people can't see them, only you can.

 

Your story reminds me of the moths we sometimes we lying around our windows at night if I forget and leave a light on. They'll endlessly keep bumping against the glass they don't really see,trying to reach the promise of the light inside. They never will, and right from the start, they never could. Even though they will never get to where they want to be, they keep trying, slowly dying as they keep bumping so hard against the glass.

 

As I said before, you have been wounded, and as long as you stay with this man or have contact with him, that wound won't heal. I don't understand why you stay with him. Could it be that part of you feels guilty about losing your child, and you keep punishing yourself by staying with someone who make you so unhappy?

 

If so, don't do that to yourself, and don't let that be your child's legacy. If you can't do it on your own and you need a reason to walk away, let it be because you are doing what's best for you, your son and to honor the memory of your little one who was taken away form you too soon.

 

Bets of your to you, and I hope you can begin to find some peace in your life and heart.

[the_artist_1970]

This is such a sad story. My heart breaks for you. How do you reinvent yourself and start your new life over? How do you stop allowing this one man to have so much control over your life? We all make mistakes and we all lose our way sometimes. This one man does NOT hang the stars in the sky. This one man is just a human being. He will call you again, and when he does what will you do? Will you continue to treat him like the sun rises and shines on him, or will you take a step and start loving and valuing yourself more and stop waiting on him and what he is going to do. You have your own life and you have a son who needs you. A whole mother, unbroken, and unselfish enough to take care of him.

[NewLeaf512]

(Please don't move this thread? I'm so struggling, and would welcome responses.)

 

It's like I've finally snapped. I saw the past year's ruins, my marriage, my home, my seven year old child struggling with his fractured life because of my selfish choices....All the pain and devastation this affair of mine inflicted on everyone around me. I did all this. Me. And I cannot forgive myself.

 

I went off on MM again, out of nowhere, at his 9 pm curfew time the other night. He must be home by 9:30 or all hell breaks loose. We'd spent just over an hour and a half together on my patio, and I snapped like Sybil when he went to go.

I so desperately didn't want him to go, didn't want to be alone. It's been fourteen months since I left my marriage pregnant. In two weeks it will be the anniversary of our premature little boy's death. I was a total witch. Just inconsolable.

 

I haven't heard from him since- since he left the driveway Wednesday night. I called yesterday weeping into his vm for the first time and said goodbye. I told him I tried so very hard to be in this, but that I'm falling apart lately. That i don't feel right and I need it to end. That i know we can't be together, ever, and that I only ever wanted him. That it's finally time. I took so much of the blame. I don't know why. I actually apologized to him for not being able to go on any longer.

 

He's promised all along that we'd be together after last kid left for school. That's next month. I have never believed him. He started moving the time line forty five minutes after we left the funeral home with arrangements for our baby's cremation. Literally, that afternoon. I had just given birth two days before.

 

"Well," he said, sipping his drink at the restaurant, "I guess this changes the timeline a bit. It'll be four to six months now."

 

December. February? I felt nothing, said nothing. I was bleeding so heavily that when I went into the restroom to pee and stood up to wipe, I left puddles of blood all over the floor. I remember crying hysterically and trying to wipe them up with paper towels. Smearing them all over the fancy slate tile. I thought I was crying about the baby, but he'd just said this, four to six months now...I was down there in my blood just crying and scrubbing and crying. Then I fixed my eyes, put on lip gloss, and went back to our seats acting like nothing had happened.

 

I've never done what I did yesterday.. Left an emotional vm. Not even the night I called him from the hospital bed to tell him that the baby was gone, and that I had named him after him. I was entirely alone in that dim room, and i remained composed. I'm not sure how it has taken this long for me to break, but it did. I'm reeling, overwhelmed. Right where I should have been last fall.

 

Delayed reaction. I don't know. But it feels like my chest is filled with buckshot. I can't believe any of this has gone down.

 

Where is my life? My home, where i lived happily for years, watching my son running from room to room laughing? My son, my poor little boy. My elderly dog, who slept with me every night. Everything is gone. Everything i loved. I chucked it all. Thought of nothing but him, his promises, his face.

 

He has taken everything, and i let him. I feel degraded and empty and lost.

 

We think we matter so much to them, that they mean what they say to us.

 

They don't. It's all a game to keep the ego stroked and the sex coming.

 

My situation as the OW was extreme, and i learned the hard way- when the chips are down, and you need them the most, there are crickets.

 

I don't feel right. I want to get myself back. I feel so destroyed by all of this, so broken down, the constant back and forth, the way he goes dark when i snap and he sees how deeply he has hurt me.

 

He's been trying to keep me his barbie doll dirty little secret through a year when all there is for me is pain. I can't do it anymore. I'm messing up his Feng shui. How dare i challenge him. How dare I break protocol and weep.

 

I hate how angry and cruel I am now sometimes. I loved him. I tried to be so brave for him. I even slept in car for him pregnant and penniless when my raging H drained the accounts.

 

I thought this was important. I thought he was. I can't believe I did this to my life and my son, all for a baby, and a man, who never were.

 

And I don't even deserve a text, a goodbye. Nothing. Not a word since wednesday when he drove off.

 

I deserved so much better than this. I thought he hung the stars in the sky.

 

 

 

I actually think this should be pinned to the top of the board. I am pretty sure that this is exactly how most OW feel in the stage post split when we finally are able to look at reality, and the reality is, OW believe what AP tells them, but it was ALL a lie. AP's take human beings when they are finished with them and discard them like trash, turn around and saunter away and never look back. OW do not matter, are not essential, are not visceral to the OM. You and me and those like us that have been or are OW, are commodities and that is all. When we are used up, no loner fun or (insert 1 million reasons here) OM chuck us in the f*ck it bucket and move on.

Having that reality wash over you is a bone crushing soul destroying time that burns you right down to the ground into nothing but ash. From the ash, 2 things can come: mud (if you allow AP near who will certainly pee on your ash create mud) or you create a Phoenix rising from the ash.

 

 

I feel your pain, and I am sending you healing thoughts.

[kieraglass]

Thank you everyone.

 

Truncated, I do feel responsible for my son's death. I was so terrified when i found myself pregnant that I prayed to miscarry early so I didn't have to do it, implode my life, wear the scarlet A. It was a brief time of hoping it would happen, and totally understandable. I could not abort and never even considered it.

 

By two months I was bonding. Buying clothes. Weathering the Shame of my choice, in the guest room at my mother's, but...i loved the baby. When he passed so far along from an undiagnosed infection in my placenta, I felt like I was being punished for those very early hopes to miscarry.

 

I also had to move everything I owned from my home early on, alone, as mm was in Asia with his wife at a wedding, for two weeks. As I told my H about the pregnancy and things began to go insane, he left. I pulled something inside me that day at the storage space as I unloaded, felt it deeply on my right pelvic side. I hit the ground. I prayed. It passed.

 

Months later a pain began there that worsened over a week as I sought help repeatedly, being told again and again that I had a simple UTI.

 

I have always felt that I might have suffered a placental tear moving those endless heavy boxes of my things, and it led to infection over time. I had no choice, though. My H had thrown everything I owned into the driveway and garage. It had to be done.

 

I sent MM the first ultrasound when he was in China with them all. Looking back, how insane, all of it. He admitted later he was relieved when the baby died, as it saved him action and suffering. And there I was sending him photos of ultrasounds and onesies I'd bought like some fool.

 

I swear, in our affair fogs, we're like Patty Hearst coming out of that closet. Just out of our gourds.

 

A week before the baby died, when i first showed up alone at the ER in pain, the technician told me she had never seen such a beautiful, happy baby. He was sucking his thumb and laying with his feet crossed at the ankles. "I've never seen anything like it!"she exclaimed. " He is so chill! He really loves his mommy!"

 

I have the photo she caught of this. I use it as a Screensaver on my phone.

 

He was here, and he loved me.

 

MM was relieved he died. Why he admitted that u o me, I'll never understand.

[daisygirl19]

I have no words, other than I am so sorry for your pain.

[Ms. Faust]

How is your son in all this?

[kieraglass]

He's hurting a bit. He shuffles back and forth between my angry ex and i, and he desperately wanted his brother. I had just told him together with his child therapist the week before he died, and he was thrilled to finally have a sibling. I waited quite a while to tell him to be safe. He is too young to understand that mommy left, and months later was magically pregnant with someone's child....he didn't get it all. Someday he will and I dread that day. I wish I never told him but the therapist I had him seeing from the week I separated from his dad said it was time. I regret agreeing. Maybe something in me knew.

 

He's a plucky little boy. But what I've done to his world is inexcusable. I even let him meet mm twice, ice cream, a movie, and he adores him. His own dad is shut down, angry and irritable, always has been. MM was something else to him. So alive. I hate having to tell him someday that he's gone, too. MM pressed to meet him, said he was going to be in his life full time someday and he should. That meant so much to me. That was may, june.

 

I believed he meant it. Only now, as his timeline has hit, have I realized it's all too hard to make it happen in reality. I really believe he thought he had it in him. I suppose they all think that they do. But he played a serious high stakes game, with the stakes being my life, my child's life, and i don't know how to forgive him, or myself.

 

This was not a game to me. It was not fantasy or just fun or an escape. It was everything. How they sleep at night is beyond me.

[BROKENOW]

Yes I asked ex MM how he sleeps knowing he trashed my family and me and even his own

[HappyAgain2014]

Your pain is so clear. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby.

 

You seem to have clarity about your situation because of your baby and your son. Use that to move forward. Your son is all that matters. He needs you and needs you to be the best you can be. You can't trust MM. Most of all, you can't risk your son's trust in MM. If not for yourself, you have to end this for good for your son. He's been through enough and asking him to trust a man you can't trust is a very bad idea.

 

The unspoken promise every divorced parent should make is to make sure their children are in a more peaceful situation than the marriage they ended. This promise should dictate your life and the choices you make that affect your child. Otherwise, in the child's mind, why should they shuffle between their parents?

 

Please take care of yourself and your son. The pain will get better but it has to stop first. You have to get away from your MM. The rest will fall into place.

[truncated]

Thank you everyone.

 

Truncated, I do feel responsible for my son's death. I was so terrified when i found myself pregnant that I prayed to miscarry early so I didn't have to do it, implode my life, wear the scarlet A. It was a brief time of hoping it would happen, and totally understandable. I could not abort and never even considered it.

 

By two months I was bonding. Buying clothes. Weathering the Shame of my choice, in the guest room at my mother's, but...i loved the baby. When he passed so far along from an undiagnosed infection in my placenta, I felt like I was being punished for those very early hopes to miscarry.

 

I also had to move everything I owned from my home early on, alone, as mm was in Asia with his wife at a wedding, for two weeks. As I told my H about the pregnancy and things began to go insane, he left. I pulled something inside me that day at the storage space as I unloaded, felt it deeply on my right pelvic side. I hit the ground. I prayed. It passed.

 

Months later a pain began there that worsened over a week as I sought help repeatedly, being told again and again that I had a simple UTI.

 

I have always felt that I might have suffered a placental tear moving those endless heavy boxes of my things, and it led to infection over time. I had no choice, though. My H had thrown everything I owned into the driveway and garage. It had to be done.

 

I sent MM the first ultrasound when he was in China with them all. Looking back, how insane, all of it. He admitted later he was relieved when the baby died, as it saved him action and suffering. And there I was sending him photos of ultrasounds and onesies I'd bought like some fool.

 

I swear, in our affair fogs, we're like Patty Hearst coming out of that closet. Just out of our gourds.

 

A week before the baby died, when i first showed up alone at the ER in pain, the technician told me she had never seen such a beautiful, happy baby. He was sucking his thumb and laying with his feet crossed at the ankles. "I've never seen anything like it!"she exclaimed. " He is so chill! He really loves his mommy!"

 

I have the photo she caught of this. I use it as a Screensaver on my phone.

 

He was here, and he loved me.

 

MM was relieved he died. Why he admitted that u o me, I'll never understand.

 

I'm not comparing my situation to yours, as they are different, but I have lost a child too, and I know the guilt you are feeling.

 

You dissect everything you did/didn't do, and feel like "if I had just done this. didn't do this/ said this/ had just done something differently, they would still be here".

 

I don;t know about you, but to me, that speaks to trying to find an explanation and to make sense from a situation where non can be found. Our minds are not able to deal with such a truth when it crashes into you.

 

It's hard, really hard. I felt so guilty when I started to feel even a tiny bit happy again, and that was excruciating. It was almost easier to feel terrible. I felt like if I could start to move on, then that somehow equated to her not mattering or being forgotten.

 

The thing is, like you, I had others ( my husband and kids) who needed me in this world, and they needed me to be there for them and to be able to find myself again.

 

Your son needs you. He needs you to be there for him, and you don't have to feel guilty for starting to pick up the pieces of your life.

 

Your baby will never be forgotten, and so long as you remember him, and so long as he holds a place in your heart, he will always be with you. Maybe you can't old him in your arms, comfort him and watch him grow up, but that doesn't mean you love him any less or you are any less of a mom to him.

 

I suppose I am lucky, in a way, in that i had more time with my daughter and others remember her. You didn't get that, and you had to squeeze a whole lifetime of mothering into a few short months. It sounds like you did just that, and did everything you could to have a baby who was healthy and happy. The outcome could have happened no matter what the situation in your life. It is not a punishment for something you did wrong.

 

Your baby dies, and even though there may be a "clinical" reason why, it's not your fault. You didn't cause his death, and you need to forgive yourself.

[NewLeaf512]

There are plenty of reasons people do not leave their unhappy marriages. People don't like change. Men especially. Many don't like confrontation. Some feel guilt or obligation. Separation and divorce is very disruptive. Contentious divorce is even worse. Many people are worried about what others will think, or think of them. Many don't want to break up their families. Some are afraid they can't take care of their own selves one way or another. It's EASY to complain about your spouse. It's EASY to talk about leaving. It's EASY to dream of or want to separate and divorce. Actually going through with it is a whole other story.

 

 

while I agree with this, if I was very unhappy and had exhausted all avenues to fix it, to me it seems to make more sense to leave and live an authentic life (whether staying single, dating, remarrying, or even changing orientation) than live a false unhappy life because change is "too hard"

 

 

Kiera I am thinking of you

[anika99]

You will get better when you end this affair once and for all and put your focus where it should be. You should not feel guilty about the baby because you had hopes of miscarry early on. Lots of women feel that when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

 

Your guilt is irrational but I understand it because I have dealt with extreme irrational guilt to. I thought I was going to end up killing myself because I had so much guilt and self loathing. Guilt is only useful when it stops us from continuing down a bad path. When we're doing something wrong and we get that bad feeling that makes us say "this guilt doesn't feel good, I better stop doing the thing that's causing it", then guilt is useful. Guilt over a past event that can't ever be changed is totally useless and actually becomes somewhat self-indulgent and self-pitying. It becomes an excuse to stay immobile and stuck in our problems.

 

It is time for you to take your life back and for you to become the best mom you can be. I suspect that during the early part of your seperation you were kind of in lala land over your MM and not really focussing on your son and his well being. Now your focussing on your guilt, your fights with the MM and how the MM took everything away from you. Your son is the one who deserves your time and focus. Get rid of the MM. As long as you stay embroiled with him you won't be fully emotionally present for your little boy. Any guilt you are feeling for your son is useful guilt because you can still make changes and be a good mom. Your little boy isn't going to care that your MM is gone. He only met him twice. Don't project your feelings of this romantic tragedy onto your child. He doesn't care about your MM. Your MM has chosen not to speak to you for the last few days but you know that he will be back. What are you going to do when that happens?

[What_Did_I_Do]

You will get better when you end this affair once and for all and put your focus where it should be. You should not feel guilty about the baby because you had hopes of miscarry early on. Lots of women feel that when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

 

Your guilt is irrational but I understand it because I have dealt with extreme irrational guilt to. I thought I was going to end up killing myself because I had so much guilt and self loathing. Guilt is only useful when it stops us from continuing down a bad path. When we're doing something wrong and we get that bad feeling that makes us say "this guilt doesn't feel good, I better stop doing the thing that's causing it", then guilt is useful. Guilt over a past event that can't ever be changed is totally useless and actually becomes somewhat self-indulgent and self-pitying. It becomes an excuse to stay immobile and stuck in our problems.

 

It is time for you to take your life back and for you to become the best mom you can be. I suspect that during the early part of your seperation you were kind of in lala land over your MM and not really focussing on your son and his well being. Now your focussing on your guilt, your fights with the MM and how the MM took everything away from you. Your son is the one who deserves your time and focus. Get rid of the MM. As long as you stay embroiled with him you won't be fully emotionally present for your little boy. Any guilt you are feeling for your son is useful guilt because you can still make changes and be a good mom. Your little boy isn't going to care that your MM is gone. He only met him twice. Don't project your feelings of this romantic tragedy onto your child. He doesn't care about your MM. Your MM has chosen not to speak to you for the last few days but you know that he will be back. What are you going to do when that happens?

 

There is so much wisdom in this post. We all do some awful things in our life journey. Forgive yourself. It is a first step.