Dating when you're in your 20s and live with your parents

[LookAtThisPOst]

Obviously living with your parents past a certain age looks worse in men than it does in women

 

Yeah, double standards...go figure, right?

[SugarLips72]

You are almost 30 and living with your parents? Dealbreaker for me. Who knows when you actually will get out on your own. Especially if this is your fist time moving out on your own.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yeah, double standards...go figure, right?

 

Yup, I guess women still want men to be the breadwinner

[guest569]

Yup, I guess women still want men to be the breadwinner

 

It would only be a double standard if all those women lived with their parents and expected him not to.

 

And if you're referring to me, I wouldn't have minded dating a man who lived with parents at 24 when I did too, but by late 20s would be hesitant. I dont want a man to be a breadwinner but I'm not going to be paying for everything or supplying a house for him if he uses the same mentality on me as he did on his parents.

Edited July 25, 2015 by smiley1

[anna121]

I'd be a bit more understanding of the fiscal rationale (and I come from a culture where kids tend to depend on parents for longer). So as long as you had a good job, seemed independent and were not complacent about your situation, that part wouldn't be a deal breaker.

 

For me, and I'm a bit surprised it hasn't come up, the much bigger issue would be lack of privacy. Having to deal with my BF's parents all the time, and the likely limitations on our sex life, just wouldn't be worth it. I mean, he could come to my place, but over time that would grate on me.

[guest569]

 

For me, and I'm a bit surprised it hasn't come up, the much bigger issue would be lack of privacy. Having to deal with my BF's parents all the time, and the likely limitations on our sex life, just wouldn't be worth it. I mean, he could come to my place, but over time that would grate on me.

 

Yep that was the first thing i thought of. But i also have dated a few men who live in share houses and had that issue too

[lino]

Definitely move out if you can. Society dictates that it's only women who are allowed to live with their parents till later in life. Even if what you're doing is smart, it all equals a lot of alone time if you get what I mean.

 

Actually when a lot of girls 'move out' and become 'independent' they're actually just moving in with a boyfriend who has more money than them and live off of him, then they feel high and mighty because of this and look down on guys like you. Nice eh?

 

You are crazy if you think that a lot debt is OK especially credit card debt. You then compare yourself to a debt free person and considered your self in a better position financially. Its up there on one of the most craziest things i have read. Having a ton of unsecured debt and assets that you don't actually own (the bank does) does not mean your financially stable.

 

I don't know what you have financially but the way you are talking i would see red flags if you were female and turn the other way. However, if I was a sales person I would welcome you into the shop ASAP.

 

Agree fully.

 

Living like this guy claims to sounds like a recipe for disaster and one big wank. Just showing off material garbage and IMO one of society's biggest problems.

[WomenWubber]

I did not date until I got my own place.

 

I kind of know your feeling, because I don't own a car lol.

[E-Squared]

hhmm, to me you would just come across as someone who chose the easy path. Living at home means at 28 you never had to struggle to pay your rent or groceries, never had to budget, never worried about where you'll find that money for your car repair. You never came back to an empty home, never had an empty fridge. You spent the last 10 years eating your mom's cooking and she probably did your laundry too. All those years you were suppose to learn about life by struggling you spent them under the wings of mom and dad while slowly piling up your money. It would worry me to be in a relationship with a man that's never been on his own yet.

 

So in your case, it is ideal to live through hardship to the point of almost being evicted and borrowing money and living in debt?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I did not date until I got my own place.

 

I kind of know your feeling, because I don't own a car lol.

 

looks like having your own place is more important than having a car

[Lois_Griffin]

Haha, good point. I've kind of thought the same thing, that it's sort of a test to see if what type of person a woman is. The problem is, almost all of the ones I've met fail the test...

Maybe they see it as you failing their test.

[LookAtThisPOst]

looks like having your own place is more important than having a car

 

Yep, you may want to acquire a car, too, Woman Wubber, otherwise you'll be considered a loser.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yup, I guess women still want men to be the breadwinner

And men still expect women to do 95% of the housework - while working a full time job on top of it.

 

Yup. Double standard.

[Lois_Griffin]

This situation with the OP still living at home and trying to date SO reminds me of that commercial about the guy that had to move back home because he got a DUI and it was too expensive to live on his own. When he and his date get to his house, his mother walks outside on her way to the garbage can and remarks that he's home from his date early. The look of revulsion on his date's face as she says to him, "you still live at home with your parents????" is priceless.

[Tom E]

Don't be a Vic I would just rent a nice spot and brake the lease when you find your place. So what if you lose your security deposit or last months rent or a bad reference.. You can actually bring a girl home and do what you want and you will tell her you're going to buy a place better than this one!

[oberkeat]

So I recently turned 28 and I live with my parents. I know it's basically taboo to be living with your parents in your late 20s but honestly, I think I made the right decision. I've paid off all of my student loans, my car loan, and have a 20% down payment saved for a house/condo in one of the more expensive areas in America. On top of that my commute to work is under 20 minutes. I'm happy with were I am and when I hear my friends talk about how they are on pace to have their student loans paid off around age 40 it makes me feel like I made a pretty good decision.

 

But almost every time the topic comes up with a girl I meet online it's like I told them I'm Hitler reincarnated. I'm pretty sure I'd be dating great girls pretty consistently if it weren't for this.

 

Right now I could very easily afford to rent a place but the truth is I don't want to get stuck in a lease while looking for a place to buy. I communicate this with the girls I meet, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm trying my best to find a place to buy but the real estate market is nuts where I live so it's taking longer than I anticipated. On back to back weeks I considered putting offers in on condos only to have them sell immediately for 10-12% over the asking price. Just crazy.

 

I guess I just don't get it. I know living with your parents makes it seem like you may not be independent and "adult" but it's not like I'm unemployed with no aspirations like the stereotypical 40 year old you see living in their parents basement in movies. Maybe they just don't believe me?

 

What do you guys think? Women, would you not date a guy in my shoes who otherwise seems like a great guy? Guys, have any of you been in my shoes, and if so, how did that go for you? Any tips/suggestions?

 

I've been in your shoes on all of this. I didn't move out of my parents house until I was 27. For a while I tried dating while I was living at home, but more and more I realized that I would never get anywhere in my dating life until I got my own place. Dating was impossible while I lived with my parents. Once women knew I was living at home, it was kryptonite for attraction. Older women thought I was immature, and younger women thought I was no fun. I'm thankful to my parents for letting me live with them for so long while I worked on my education, but the bottom line is that, for guys at least, living at home is holding you back. Your dating life will open up a huge amount when you move out.

 

As far as buying a place? Where I live it's a buyers market because prices are low, but it's also highly competitive. When I was in the market, every time I put in an offer, I was always one of several buyers putting bids on the property, and usually some speculator would swoop in and pay twice what the house was worth just so they could rent the place out . I had to see places the second they were listed and then put in an offer as quickly as possible. After a few months and with a bit of luck, I found a nice house, but for a while it was tuff.

Edited July 26, 2015 by oberkeat

[oberkeat]

And another thing. If you can afford to rent, you can afford to buy since a lot of landlords these days are making unreasonable demands for their properties. At one condo I looked at, the landlord wanted first month's rent, last month's rent, plus a deposit before he'd hand you the keys. F*** that. When I realized that's about the size of a down payment on a house, I started looking to buy instead.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yeah, double standards...go figure, right?

 

yup, this is a double-standard that bothers me a lot but oh well, it is what it is, fair or not

[Els]

It is not hard to learn to do these things. What is a hard and rarer trait is someone who is good with their finances.

 

It's entirely possible to be both decent with finances AND living independently. To be honest I don't consider someone who lives with his parents rent-free as 'good with finances' - how good or bad he is going to be with his finances when he actually has a mortgage or rent to pay is a huge question mark.

 

OP - I'm not even from a Caucasian culture, and I still wouldn't be in a LTR with a man who has always lived under his parents' roof. There are waaaay too many things that people who have never lived independently take for granted. You have no idea what goes into the running of a household, even if you do chip in with a few house chores. Most men I know who have never lived on their own before are an absolute nightmare when they marry or move in with a woman - they expect her to do everything mommy and daddy has done for them. Not to mention that there is no privacy with mom and dad being around every time she visits. Plus these guys tend to require their parents' approval for everything, despite being a long way into adulthood.

[Els]

Also, it's ridiculous how some people keep playing the gender card. You know what, if I was a guy I wouldn't want to be in a LTR with a 28-yo woman who has never lived away from her parents either, with the exception of extenuating circumstances or her having to take care of her ill/disabled parents (neither of which are the case for the OP). But I'm not a guy, nor can I dictate who guys do and don't date. If you guys are truly concerned about double standards, then stop dating these women, period. If you still date them, how is it our problem?

 

And no, living with a partner is NOT the same as living under your parents' roof rent-free, FFS. Partners split duties - even if one of them is paying more rent, the other is typically doing more of the work needed to maintain the house. In the OP's case he is clearly being taken care of rather than splitting duties - he doesn't pay rent, AND his family does his laundry and cooks dinner for him, and they likely do most of the cleaning, paperwork, fixing and maintenance around the house, too.

[circe88]

So I recently turned 28 and I live with my parents. I know it's basically taboo to be living with your parents in your late 20s but honestly, I think I made the right decision. I've paid off all of my student loans, my car loan, and have a 20% down payment saved for a house/condo in one of the more expensive areas in America. On top of that my commute to work is under 20 minutes. I'm happy with were I am and when I hear my friends talk about how they are on pace to have their student loans paid off around age 40 it makes me feel like I made a pretty good decision.

 

But almost every time the topic comes up with a girl I meet online it's like I told them I'm Hitler reincarnated. I'm pretty sure I'd be dating great girls pretty consistently if it weren't for this.

 

Right now I could very easily afford to rent a place but the truth is I don't want to get stuck in a lease while looking for a place to buy. I communicate this with the girls I meet, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm trying my best to find a place to buy but the real estate market is nuts where I live so it's taking longer than I anticipated. On back to back weeks I considered putting offers in on condos only to have them sell immediately for 10-12% over the asking price. Just crazy.

 

I guess I just don't get it. I know living with your parents makes it seem like you may not be independent and "adult" but it's not like I'm unemployed with no aspirations like the stereotypical 40 year old you see living in their parents basement in movies. Maybe they just don't believe me?

 

What do you guys think? Women, would you not date a guy in my shoes who otherwise seems like a great guy? Guys, have any of you been in my shoes, and if so, how did that go for you? Any tips/suggestions?

 

There is someone for everyone, so as long as you're ok with your decision, own it. There are always chicks out there who won't mind, especially if they don't really have that many options, they're not going to get picky about it. Just make sure you make up for it in other areas. Be romantic, sweet, take her to nice places, etc.

 

Personally, as a woman, since my dream was always to have my own place and I worked hard to make that happen, it does turn me off when a guy my age (31) still lives with his parents. 28 is still pushing it. However, it's not a deal breaker because that can always be changed. However, he'd have to be pretty darn awesome in everything else!

[guest569]

yup, this is a double-standard that bothers me a lot but oh well, it is what it is, fair or not

 

Meanwhile, most women across the globe could not be the bread winner if they tried. Lol, does that not put things in perspective. Let's not even go there, you want to talk about fair versus unfair..

[lino]

And men still expect women to do 95% of the housework - while working a full time job on top of it.

 

Yup. Double standard.

 

Rubbish. Ive never known any guy who expected this. It's 2015.

 

I work 60 hours a week and do all the house work in my house. It isn't hard.

 

Meanwhile, most women across the globe could not be the bread winner if they tried. Lol, does that not put things in perspective. Let's not even go there, you want to talk about fair versus unfair..

 

This is only relevant if the OP lives in such a part of the globe, which he doesn't and I doubt you do either.

 

Women in English speaking countries have endless possibilities. Let's not be stupid.

 

To be even questioning this living at home double standard is silly at best.

Like I said, a lot of women's first taste of such 'independence' come from moving in with a boyfriend who is clearly running the show.

 

The reverse very rarely happens.

[snowdreams]

I'm in the same situation. Currently looking to buy, I don't have this same issue. For perspective I live in London so house prices are crazy and most people my age are nowhere near buying a house. So someone buying a house at my age I think is a pretty good thing to be able to say.

 

In my opinion it's about how you deliver your situation. If you see 'living with parents at 28' negatively then it will come across as such when you tell your dates that. Much better told casually face to face i find.

 

I say it as (paraphrasing, just so you get the gist), yeah I just decided it was the best thing for me, renting doesn't make much sense to me so I decided to leapfrog it. Plus I get to see my family regularly. Really looking forward to getting my own place soon though. (delivery of this softer and more casual and to suit the type of convo being had, but they can be used in convo). Immediately ask how happy they are with their living arrangement. Spins it on it's head most of the time.

 

If it goes on, then again being positive, plus impressing that you do actually do your own laundry/cook etc, (not hard for me as the truth, to be fair i'm basically the only one in the house Mon-Fri anyway so I cook/clean/feed cat). E.g. It's pretty good to be fair, I get to practice my cooking on some pretty tough customers too or whatever comes up.

 

Remember it's not a job interview dating so it doesnt need to be justified, you just explain your point of view. If you're positive then the takeout will likely be positive, unless you fail her test, in which case you two werent meant to be anyway.

 

I've had a couple who lose interest but for the most part more have stayed interested than havent.

 

OR you could do what my friend did. His mum is actually hilarious. He's hidden all family photos and just pretends he's a lodger. He's more just in it for the sex though. and yes he's been caught out once or twice by the post. Funny guy.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I actually had a woman who had the audacity to tell me that being in the military "doesn't count" as living independently or "living on your own" as the military pays for your food, house, the whole 9-yards.

 

Funny how it was a deal breaker with her since she claimed she moved out when she was 18 and shacked up with her b/f and somehow compared my military life at 18 to hers. Quite pretentious.