Affair improving relationship dynamic? (Updated)

[DKT3]

I didn't leave for the other guy if that's what you mean by wong reasons. The other guy did not factor into the decision one iota. I left for reasons that I did discuss with my xbf. He knows why I left and actually filled in a lot of the details on his own. If the other guy had never existed, those reasons would still be the same.

 

Its very niave to believe that, even if it makes you feel better to say it. Sure the problems were there before you started sleeping with another guy. But the reality is affairs change you, your issues will happen/come down the road. These will be questions that with weigh on you for years. It would be one thing had you cut contact and ties with this other guy then made an honest effort before ending it.

 

Secondly, its also niave to say you didn't disclose for your xbf benefit. I in part, believe that you believe that on some level, but really you don't want him to change how he views you. You likely even gave him that whole "be friends" BS.

 

Listen, I've been around this crap and dealing with it for a decade. You have a long road ahead of you, and I would bet my car this won't be your last trip down this road.

 

Now with all the harsh stuff out of the way, I will admit its brave of you to pull the trigger and move on when it would have been so much easier to continue to use your xbf. I will state this again, you made your decision now leave him alone, no using him as an emotion leaning post, no dirty messages in a few weeks when he is dating someone else. No trying to beg him into a friendship so you can continue to have a connection with him.

 

This is hard on him NOW, beware it will be much harder on you LATER.

[road]

There is no justification for sleeping with an OM no matter the state of the current relationship.

 

 

You end the old relationship before you start dating the next man. To not do this is cheating.

[CTRL C]

Its very niave to believe that, even if it makes you feel better to say it. Sure the problems were there before you started sleeping with another guy. But the reality is affairs change you, your issues will happen/come down the road. These will be questions that with weigh on you for years. It would be one thing had you cut contact and ties with this other guy then made an honest effort before ending it.

 

I don't deny that events can change people, but I will stand by that I know why I left and it wasn't for someone else. As for making an honest effort, I hadn't spoken to OM since posting this thread. Partly because of the discussion here, wanting to make an unimpeded effort as you say, and partly because he just got busy (convenient timing I suppose). There may not have been a NC letter but my focus was still turned wholly on my relationship. I'll deal with OM if/when he chooses to try and return.

 

Secondly, its also niave to say you didn't disclose for your xbf benefit. I in part, believe that you believe that on some level, but really you don't want him to change how he views you. You likely even gave him that whole "be friends" BS.

 

I truly don't want him to end up in the hospital with an anxiety attack or broken hand, or landing in the drunk tank. Assume I'm being dramatic if you wish, but I've known the man for a decade and know it would set him off in that way. Things would break. No, I gave no BS about being friends.

 

Listen, I've been around this crap and dealing with it for a decade. You have a long road ahead of you, and I would bet my car this won't be your last trip down this road.

 

Now with all the harsh stuff out of the way, I will admit its brave of you to pull the trigger and move on when it would have been so much easier to continue to use your xbf. I will state this again, you made your decision now leave him alone, no using him as an emotion leaning post, no dirty messages in a few weeks when he is dating someone else. No trying to beg him into a friendship so you can continue to have a connection with him.

 

This is hard on him NOW, beware it will be much harder on you LATER.

 

Thanks. I've every intent to respect him and not drag him through the mud like that. He wants NC, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to be wishy washy and string him along as a security blanket. That'd be cruel.

Edited July 26, 2015 by CTRL C

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am glad to hear that you decided to leave for you, you deserve so much more than either of these men had to offer. Everything that you want is in your means to achieve. You need to value you and know that this is his loss. Work on just being you for awhile and before you know it, someone that is worthy of you will come along. There is a Brave New World out there.

[Hope Shimmers]

Congratulations on having the guts to end this dead relationship. You will not be sorry, and you did this for exactly the right reasons. Almost all of us have been there - I ended my "high school sweetheart" relationship at the same age as you, much for the same reasons. It's just part of life and growing - you need to learn to stand on your own as an adult and learn who you are and what you have to offer someone in a relationship.

 

As for the other guy - as someone said earlier, he was the bullet to the head that finally ended things between you and your ex. Again, nothing new there. Glad for you and your ex that you two can move onto more fulfilling places. Your relationship with him was on life support for way too long.

[singer23]

Yes, I've a pretty good paying job. Have enough saved to get started on a rental but not enough to actually furnish a place yet. I have already started looking around... I'm not a fan of depending on other people (or being a burden) so that's my priority right now.

 

The other guy (not married, not that it really matters either way) has disappeared for the time being, and no I didn't mention him, as I know the reaction would be... very unhealthy. I promise, though, my focus wasn't pointing out the xbf's failures or faults - like I said at the beginning, I'm not here to demonize him, so I wasn't going to put it all on him - but simply that I wasn't happy and felt it time to be on my own. Honest regarding the relationship and my feelings.

 

How very convenient ... Coward.

 

Now you are lying to yourself. Your strong independent woman shtick is falling off a bit now. You are a coward.

 

You are well set on your way to become the perpetual "the world is against me " victim..

 

as I know the reaction would be... very unhealthy

 

You call him immature, yet you don't see your own narcissism and immaturity

Edited July 26, 2015 by singer23

[66Charger]

I do not see this woman as a coward. 4 years with no intimacy is ABANDONMENT and is a bigger reason for ending a relationship than a affair. For whatever reason, it was his choice not to have sex with his GF. He killed this relationship, not the affair. Granted, she should have left prior to the A.

 

As to telling him about the A so that he doesnt spend months or years trying to figure out what went wrong, duh 4 years no sex, should be tattoed on his forehead. If he is still wondering, he is either stupid or naive. I am not saying that 4 years of no intimacy is a reason for affair, but it is enough of a reason not to be surprised by it. Sure, affairs will change you, but 4 years without bonding will change you too.

 

For both genders, go ahead and not have sex with your SO for years, but dont have a stupid look on your face and say "I cant believe you cheated, why didnt we talk first?"

 

Really?

 

The only real issue here is that the OP has learned that she can cheat. That should really bother her, not this "relationship"

Edited July 26, 2015 by 66Charger

[CTRL C]

How very convenient ... Coward.

 

Now you are lying to yourself. Your strong independent woman shtick is falling off a bit now. You are a coward.

 

You are well set on your way to become the perpetual "the world is against me " victim..

 

 

 

You call him immature, yet you don't see your own narcissism and immaturity

 

It seems that you have a situation of your own you're going through to harbor such vitriol against a person you've never met. I really am sorry about that, but calling me names is not going to do either of us any good.

 

I accept responsibility for MY actions. I did not once put it off on anyone else. If I wanted to play victim I would have done it a long time ago. There's also no schtick. If I only wanted answers that I wanted to hear, I wouldn't post. And if I didn't want answers at all, I could simply log out and never see anything any of you have said. I posted because I wanted an honest discussion and I have been nothing but honest in my responses. I am still here for that same reason. Strong independent woman facade? I'm only trying to be candid, not try to make anyone like me.

 

I also did not call my ex immature. I said his reaction would be very unhealthy. Please don't twist it. And lastly, just because I am not waxing poetically about my misery over my indiscretions on this board does not mean I don't regret the situation or my choices, and it does not make me a narcissist.

[DKT3]

It seems that you have a situation of your own you're going through to harbor such vitriol against a person you've never met. I really am sorry about that, but calling me names is not going to do either of us any good.

 

I accept responsibility for MY actions. I did not once put it off on anyone else. If I wanted to play victim I would have done it a long time ago. There's also no schtick. If I only wanted answers that I wanted to hear, I wouldn't post. And if I didn't want answers at all, I could simply log out and never see anything any of you have said. I posted because I wanted an honest discussion and I have been nothing but honest in my responses. I am still here for that same reason. Strong independent woman facade? I'm only trying to be candid, not try to make anyone like me.

 

I also did not call my ex immature. I said his reaction would be very unhealthy. Please don't twist it. And lastly, just because I am not waxing poetically about my misery over my indiscretions on this board does not mean I don't regret the situation or my choices, and it does not make me a narcissist.

 

Listen, I'm not saying leaving wasn't the right thing to do, I think how and why you did it was wrong. Getting involved with another man then not giving him the truth about the relationship.

 

Now withy that said, I have no doubt your boyfriend had lost his attraction for you and I'm positive he was having sex with someone, as I said before going sexless for a sexually active male from ages 21-25 is very very unlikely.

 

Being honest in situations like this suck, but knowing the truth makes it much easier to move on with your lives.

[oldshirt]

I think some of you are being a little harsh if not even unrealistic.

 

This isn't a married woman with minor kids to feed that is just getting a little bored with married life and fell for some sweet talking playa' at the bar or some guy at the office.

 

This is a single, 25 year old woman who has been in a dead R with her high school sweet heart for 4 years too long.

 

Will the Moral Police like the fact she banged some other dude before letting her ex go? No, but only 0.0001% of young women actually break up completely cleanly before dumping their current BF. That may not make everyone feel good but it is just a fact of life.

 

IHMO if this OM played any role at all in her leaving her BF, it was that it gave her the confidence and ego boost that indicated she other other options and didn't have to burn up any more of her youth in a dead relationship.

 

If her BF wanted to have a R with her and didn't want her dumping him and banging other men, maybe he should have talked to her and made love to her at some point in the last 4 years.

 

I see no foul on her part her. If I was her daddy, I'd be slapping her upside the head for wasting her time and 'pretty' on a NoWhere Man.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think some of you are being a little harsh if not even unrealistic.

 

This isn't a married woman with minor kids to feed that is just getting a little bored with married life and fell for some sweet talking playa' at the bar or some guy at the office.

 

This is a single, 25 year old woman who has been in a dead R with her high school sweet heart for 4 years too long.

 

Will the Moral Police like the fact she banged some other dude before letting her ex go? No, but only 0.0001% of young women actually break up completely cleanly before dumping their current BF. That may not make everyone feel good but it is just a fact of life.

 

IHMO if this OM played any role at all in her leaving her BF, it was that it gave her the confidence and ego boost that indicated she other other options and didn't have to burn up any more of her youth in a dead relationship.

 

If her BF wanted to have a R with her and didn't want her dumping him and banging other men, maybe he should have talked to her and made love to her at some point in the last 4 years.

 

I see no foul on her part her. If I was her daddy, I'd be slapping her upside the head for wasting her time and 'pretty' on a NoWhere Man.

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

She is 25. She was not married or engaged. She had a boyfriend, her first boyfriend. Yes, in an ideal world, she should have gotten it together enough to leave before finding someone else. But that's not how it works when you are young and finding your way through relationships.

 

I was in college for 11 years, and just watching in my extended group of friends during that time. people went through relationship start-ups and breakups and none of these people at this age had the self-awareness and relationship maturity to "break up" with one person and then wait around to meet someone else. Reality is that people had boyfriends and girlfriends, then one of them (many times both of them) met someone else and moved on. That's how it works.

 

COMPLETELY different situation than a woman in her 30s or 40s who is married, has kids, and gets bored or frustrated in her marriage and decides to have an affair. The Moral Police need to find somewhere else to go, IMO.

[oldshirt]

Single people date and enter into as well as exit out of varying levels of relationships all the time.

 

I don't know if I've ever truly known any person to break up with a BF/GF without at least getting the taste of someone else first.

 

That does not mean that they left their BF/GF 'for' the other person in any way.

 

Dating can be a dog-eat-dog world and sometimes it's simply survival of the fittest. It's not always a feel-good proposition. That's why there are still a lot of cultures that practice arranged marriages to one degree or another.

 

In this case, the 'BF' simply wasn't cutting the mustard. He hadn't even had sex with her in 4 years. I think she should be commended for formally dumping him at all.

 

If she were my daughter I'd tell her to just carry on without regards to him at all and if he ever did come around to looking her up and knocking on her door, she should let her new boyfriend or husband answer the door.

[Morbius]

EXACTLY!!!

 

She is 25. She was not married or engaged. She had a boyfriend, her first boyfriend. Yes, in an ideal world, she should have gotten it together enough to leave before finding someone else. But that's not how it works when you are young and finding your way through relationships.

 

I was in college for 11 years, and just watching in my extended group of friends during that time. people went through relationship start-ups and breakups and none of these people at this age had the self-awareness and relationship maturity to "break up" with one person and then wait around to meet someone else. Reality is that people had boyfriends and girlfriends, then one of them (many times both of them) met someone else and moved on. That's how it works.

 

COMPLETELY different situation than a woman in her 30s or 40s who is married, has kids, and gets bored or frustrated in her marriage and decides to have an affair. The Moral Police need to find somewhere else to go, IMO.

 

Agreed, college age kids are still figuring out who they are, and when it comes to relationships it is not unusual to start another before breaking it off with their current one. It is naive to believe that the majority of this age group has the maturity to end a relationship first, before actively pursuing another.

 

 

Regardless kudos to OP for realizing the relationship she had was not going anywhere and ending it.

 

 

This is in stark contrast for persons in their 30’s or 40’s, and older who knowingly engage in affairs while still married or mislead others by claiming they are separated when in reality they are looking to have a little fling at the expense of their SO, and the person they are manipulating. These persons are the ones who should look inward first, and foremost before engaging in false R's or making excuses.

 

 

Morality is a gray area, and should be treated as such. I have found that the Moral Majority back in the day was neither, and I am convinced the Moral Police are the same.

 

 

OP is taking full responsibility for her actions, and is not blaming, or hounding others for her mis-steps. For a younger person that is great to see. OP has learned and by the posts shown is leading by example, I hope others will take that lesson to heart, truth is truth.

 

 

Great job!

[Hope Shimmers]

These persons are the ones who should look inward first, and foremost before engaging in false R's or making excuses.

 

In my own case I don't think ex-MM was in a 'false R'. I think he gave his marriage one honest last shot before deciding he just couldn't do it and ended up divorcing.

 

OP, no one says it will be easy to break up with your high school sweetheart. In my case I was engaged to him and it took me a long time to get over, even though it was absolutely the right thing to do. I had several serious relationships after that and I can't imagine having ended up with him and not having had those later experiences. There was no way I was ready.

 

I think those people have a place in your heart forever in some way. Even though I have absolutely NO desire to interact with him or be with him in any way now, we are Facebook friends and it's interesting to keep up with each others' lives since we were from the same town and school mates, etc.

 

Good luck!

[CTRL C]

Listen, I'm not saying leaving wasn't the right thing to do, I think how and why you did it was wrong. Getting involved with another man then not giving him the truth about the relationship.

 

And I do appreciate and respect your views, for even taking the time to respond. I might disagree but I'll still respect you and your words just as everyone else.

 

...people went through relationship start-ups and breakups and none of these people at this age had the self-awareness and relationship maturity to "break up" with one person and then wait around to meet someone else.

 

Agreed, college age kids are still figuring out who they are, and when it comes to relationships it is not unusual to start another before breaking it off with their current one. It is naive to believe that the majority of this age group has the maturity to end a relationship first, before actively pursuing another.

 

I've a friend my age, divorced 5 years with a 6 year old. Another in an incredibly unhappy relationship but is expecting soon and is looking to buy a house together right now. My college roommate just left her husband a couple months ago (two kids together, one under 6 months!) and is already posting Facebook pictures with some other guy. A coworker younger than me has flowed from one relationship to the next without a single day between the guys, sometimes overlap, always complaining about "men are dogs" etc etc but never actually doing anything other than essentially trading them in for new ones.

 

My age group isn't going to be setting any relationship records, I agree, and the things I'm watching are soooo not things I'd ever want to be involved in. There's a positive story for each negative but wow, those negatives are incredible sometimes. Yeah we're all learning I suppose, but that's not the way I want to go about it.

 

Can I just skip to 30 and be done with this part already?

[Hope Shimmers]

Can I just skip to 30 and be done with this part already?

 

I'll make you a deal - we can switch ages. You be my age and I'll take yours.