Affair improving relationship dynamic? (Updated)

[jwi71]

So, I'll start with the questions - has an affair ever rekindled or reawakened a dead relationship? How are you certain that that new vitality will stick with you once the affair is over... Or is it only there because of the affair?

 

If A's were great "R improvement" you'd think the people having them would be going to great lengths informing the world of exactly WHAT made the M better. However we tend to see those in A's going to great lengths to HIDE the A.

 

What an A DOES do is make the M more tolerable for the one having it. The improvement one might say is with the person having it. Not the M itself - and certainly not the BS who is blissfully unaware.

 

Do A's help the M? No. The help one person be happier but has no affect on the M or the BS. Last piece of anecdotal...if A's were improving M's you'd think d-day would be a good thing. That is NEVER the case.

 

The back story is I'm 25f and have been in a relationship with the same guy since my mid teens. At first it was very passionate, we were both caring and playful and supportive, we helped each other through some difficult events in those early years. But as we've... well, I guess grew up... we've been cycling through times of general contentedness, and all-out cat fights. He is much more vocal than I as I tend to just shut down when in these big fights... which angers him further. That's not an attempt to demonize him, that's just been our relationship dynamic for the past few years. There's no intimacy at all either - either physical (it's been 4 years!) or emotional (I don't feel I can communicate about feelings without him getting defensive).

 

Clearly this R has failed on multiple levels.

Why are you still even in it?

 

So anyways, met the affair partner maybe six months ago. He's fairly older than me - about 40. He's also in a relationship of his own... to clarify I have no illusions about him rescuing me or him leaving her. Right now I'm simply enjoying whatever is going on.

 

Could you not enjoy that as a single person?

I guess, given that your R has failed on virtually every level, I can't figure out why you are staying? Just pack up on move on with your life.

 

And an A is seldom the solution to anything.

 

It may not be a relationship but I guess you could say he's given me a glimpse at what I'd really want in one - two people who are compassionate, can talk to each other easily, and enjoy each other as they are. He caught me at a time I was in a bit of a self esteem grave and has built me back up by treating me as an equal partner and lover (despite my very awkward bumblings due to said issue when this first started). I'll LOL at myself a little here and say he's shown me what an adult relationship can and should be like... minus, you know, the sneaking around bit.

 

Uh...no, he hasn't showed you what an "Adult R" is.

Please do not forget this is an A - it is nowhere near a "Adult R". Its two people sneaking around. It is not healthy. It is not teaching you anything positive.

 

You have simply gone from one dead R to another.

 

This booster shot he's given me has brought back my energy, my playfulness, and my courage. The problem is that this revitalization has actually improved my relationship dynamic at home just as I was actually feeling strong enough to leave. I've gone from walking on eggshells at home, to actually enjoying my time with the bf, yet I'm constantly looking over my shoulder wondering when that part is going to come back and bite me in the ***. It feels unfair to my bf, because I wonder if it wasn't me all along, but I still worry when this bubble is going to pop and the cycle repeat... a cycle I don't know if I can handle anymore.

 

Then its time for some IC. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is also nothing wrong with feeling confused or lost. Normal.

...and those happy feelings you think your A delivers...they aren't due to the A itself but more along the lines of a starving man thinks a cracker is the best meal ever. Never thought I would paraphrase Eddie Murphy on LS but there ya go.

 

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and would care to share their story or some insight. Sorry this was long - that's why I put the question at the top!

 

Your story and your feelings are NORMAL. They mean, on their own, nothing really. Just that you are human. Trying to leave a dead R but grown comfortable with the known so you stay. Having a taste of some life, some "so-called-happiness"...its euphoria. Cloud 9. Its story written here literally thousands of times.

 

But an A is NOT the way to go. Very few in an A would recommend it to others and virtually none AFTER the A would do so (regardless of the end).

 

Its not healthy.

Your current R is not healthy.

Your A is not either.

 

My advice would be to face that fear of being alone. Just do it. Just end with the BF and then end the A. Be on your own. Know how you say life is better w/ the A? Its really saying: life is better outside my dead R. Listen to that voice. go on, pack up, move out and just be on your own. I think, provided you do so, you will find that you have, for some time, been carrying an enormous weight on your shoulders.

 

Time to put it down.

 

Too young to deal with that sh_t.

 

I hope you choose a better, healthier course.

[whichwayisup]

Yet she has to find a way to get that happiness internally. No man can make you happy, enhance yes make? Not a chance.

 

This is high school girl giddy. It also shows in parts that she is half the problem in her relationship if her changed outlook also changed (in her mind) the dynamic of the relationship. She could have found this new outlook without cheating had she changed her mindset.

 

Sorry I meant externally not internally, though you nailed it, enhance is the word. She is relying on another guy to bring her happiness and then transfer that into her R at home.

[CTRL C]

No??? No wonder you are looking at other avenues and men. That rejection alone would be extremely hurtful. Have you spoke to him about it?

 

Trust me, I definitely expressed my displeasure at the time. I don't feel he's obligated to perform but it wasn't a problem early on, so.... what happened? Tried talking about it once and that was basically what I got - it's just sex and I shouldn't feel he's obligated it to me.

[CTRL C]

did you ever tell him how you feel and ask if he is unhappy?

 

Every time he says it's a rough patch, or that I'm misinterpreting him, or once this project is done or bill paid it will be better... basically he gives quick answers rather than a discussion. Which I've tried explaining we need to discuss, but I guess by that point we're both frustrated and it devolves.

[Popsicle]

Normalcy? Memories? Not willing to give up on the only significant relationship I've every known? No kids, he doesn't want kids or a wedding. Haven't figured out yet if I want either (with or without him). At that point we were already a couple years into the relationship, it wasn't an overnight thing and I didn't want to make a big deal out of, you know, "just sex." But I'm realizing that sex is part of intimacy between partners and the lack has probably contributed to the eroding relationship.

 

Fascinating to hear some of the reasons why waywards stay.

[Popsicle]

He is not married, my understanding is that it is a relationship of a few years, live-in bf-gf like myself. I've no idea of their dynamic, I've thought it not really my business to ask, if he wants to share he will on his own.

 

Oh I missed this.

 

This factors into things too. The fact that he is not single and free to be with you anyway either influences your decisions and it will become a problem once he starts feeling guilt and blowing hot and cold with you. He may even have a Dday and solve this issue for you.

[CTRL C]

Fascinating to hear some of the reasons why waywards stay.

 

I would've thought it something heard before, this board seems pretty active. I guess most here are single OW/OM so there's not a lot of chatter from the other side?

 

-------

 

Question, what is "IC" (jwi71's post)?

 

-------

 

Also, thanks all for the responses. Trying to be honest with any questions, and I do appreciate the input, even the tough love stuff

[whichwayisup]

Every time he says it's a rough patch, or that I'm misinterpreting him, or once this project is done or bill paid it will be better... basically he gives quick answers rather than a discussion. Which I've tried explaining we need to discuss, but I guess by that point we're both frustrated and it devolves.

 

Then you need to stand up and really speak your mind. Even if a big fight happens, it's progress. Not 'talking' has made things worse and each of you go on unhappily because it's more comfortable to stay and keep the peace then to push hard, make changes that will affect both of you. It's like a security blanket/teddy bear scenario.

 

IC is individual counseling.

[StaggerLee]

Hi CTRL C, just wondering how invested you are in the other guy? How much contact is there, is it face to face or is it text messaging/phone calls, is it mostly physical etc? I've been in a similar situation and before you know it you could find yourself in a situation where emotions become pretty painful. And what's the other guy's view, do you think he'd be prepared to leave his relationship for you?

[CTRL C]

Hi CTRL C, just wondering how invested you are in the other guy? How much contact is there, is it face to face or is it text messaging/phone calls, is it mostly physical etc? I've been in a similar situation and before you know it you could find yourself in a situation where emotions become pretty painful. And what's the other guy's view, do you think he'd be prepared to leave his relationship for you?

 

Long distance, have met up a couple times, but mostly text/phone call/Skype contact. Our conversations are mostly family, work, shared hobbies, music, art, ancestry/heritage, stuff like that. Physical is only when one of us is in the other's town.

 

As of this moment I doubt he'd leave her for me - I mean personally I wouldn't understand him upending everything for someone he's known such a short amount of time. But that's my opinion. He said he'd like to give us a shot if we were both single, and if that were to ever be the case he'd give me first dibs. So that's as far as I know into his mind on the subject.

 

How invested am I? I very much enjoy his company, but if he asked to cut ties, I would be disappointed but not heartbroken. Only knowing him a short time, and reminding myself of the reality of the situation, is helping avoid attachment. I would still miss him, of course, miss the banter and the flirting and the collaboration on hobby projects, but I'm not going to pine after him.

[veryhappy]

How's the sex life at home now and does that factor into your improvement?

[CTRL C]

How's the sex life at home now and does that factor into your improvement?

 

Sex life at home is still nonexistent. Bf is more affectionate nowadays but isn't interested in anything more than the occasional kiss.

[m.snow]

Long distance, have met up a couple times, but mostly text/phone call/Skype contact. Our conversations are mostly family, work, shared hobbies, music, art, ancestry/heritage, stuff like that. Physical is only when one of us is in the other's town.

 

As of this moment I doubt he'd leave her for me - I mean personally I wouldn't understand him upending everything for someone he's known such a short amount of time. But that's my opinion. He said he'd like to give us a shot if we were both single, and if that were to ever be the case he'd give me first dibs. So that's as far as I know into his mind on the subject.

 

How invested am I? I very much enjoy his company, but if he asked to cut ties, I would be disappointed but not heartbroken. Only knowing him a short time, and reminding myself of the reality of the situation, is helping avoid attachment. I would still miss him, of course, miss the banter and the flirting and the collaboration on hobby projects, but I'm not going to pine after him.

 

you will only hurt your bf when he finds out. don't drag your bf along. there is no excuse for cheating.

if you separate or break-up from your bf it would sad for moment but you can move on. this is so unfair for your bf.

we are talking about a monogamous relationship right?

 

this thread sound similar to other cheating threads. its starts out small here and there then it grows. And the guy ends up hurt. i assure the affair would hurt more than a break-up. at least you give chance for a new beginning.

 

your old enough to know whats right and wrong.

[CTRL C]

you will only hurt your bf when he finds out. don't drag your bf along. there is no excuse for cheating.

if you separate or break-up from your bf it would sad for moment but you can move on. this is so unfair for your bf.

we are talking about a monogamous relationship right?

 

this thread sound similar to other cheating threads. its starts out small here and there then it grows. And the guy ends up hurt. i assure the affair would hurt more than a break-up. at least you give chance for a new beginning.

 

your old enough to know whats right and wrong.

 

I know it's wrong. And I would never try to make an excuse for it. I was going to end it, actually walked out the door, but he convinced me back inside and since then things seemed to get better, we felt a team again if not yet romantically healed... hence my confusion, and this thread.

 

Though, an update in that another fight occurred. But that's another topic (there's a thread in this board's parent board.)

[Mr. Lucky]

Long distance, have met up a couple times, but mostly text/phone call/Skype contact. Our conversations are mostly family, work, shared hobbies, music, art, ancestry/heritage, stuff like that. Physical is only when one of us is in the other's town.

 

That you've gone outside your marriage for this trifling quasi-relationship should tell you how little marital equity you have. And you don't seem to exactly be agonizing over having done so.

 

You seem to be a bright person - aren't you worth more than these half-hearted relationships? One guy doesn't want you, the other can't have you.

 

Unless these lousy choices are intentional, have to feel you can do better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

Normalcy? Memories? Not willing to give up on the only significant relationship I've every known? No kids, he doesn't want kids or a wedding. Haven't figured out yet if I want either (with or without him). At that point we were already a couple years into the relationship, it wasn't an overnight thing and I didn't want to make a big deal out of, you know, "just sex." But I'm realizing that sex is part of intimacy between partners and the lack has probably contributed to the eroding relationship.

Jeez, you're only 25 years old and stuck in a dead-end 'room mate' relationship. No kids, not married, and you're staying just because he's the only one you've ever been with? That's a pitiful reason to literally WASTE away your youth like that

 

I'm not even going to say anything about Mr. Midlife Crisis. Of course the small pockets of time you spend with him are 'wonderful.' Anyone can be wonderful for an hour or two every other day. Jesus, that ain't rocket science. Check with his wife about how 'wonderful' he is the other 23 hours a day you don't see him.

 

Lets be honest. You're very young and you're very inexperienced because you only know the one dysfunctional relationship you keep clinging to like grim death, so of course this older guy is going to seem like something special to you. He's not. He's just your garden variety cheater whose feeding his ego because a 25 year old girl is giving him the time of day. But on the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised at all to find out your boyfriend has something going on the side, himself. He's a young man in his mid-20's and it's REAL hard to believe that he's happy to just settle for a room mate type of relationship with no sex at all. REAL hard to believe.

 

I think you're both engaging in affairs in order to stay with each other.

 

This relationship with your boyfriend has SO run it's course. It's time to let it die a dignified death.

[happyman64]

CTRL C

 

 

Lois is right.

 

 

Your R has run its course.

 

 

And cheating on your BF to get your self esteem back is not the right solution.

 

 

Now act like an adult.

 

 

Break up with your BF and tell him the truth. You cheated on him.

 

 

Get rid of the OM because you do not need his 2nd hand scraps.

 

 

Go seek a professional to talk to. Get your head on straight and figure out what you want and who you want in a serious relationship.

 

 

Don't you deserve it?

 

 

I think you do.

 

 

HM

[elaine567]

This is a variant on the GIGS theme.

25 and been in a long term relationship since your mid teens - despite it being dreadful you stick in there, as you know little else and are scared to move on from the "love of your life", "your first real love ", "a long term serious relationship" insert as appropriate

 

BUT you are young, is this really all there is? You ask yourself.

Many at that stage throw in the towel, they start noticing other men and the old relationship gets binned. The grass was seen to be greener elsewhere. It may be a hard thing to say for those grieving after their LTR just went belly up, but sometimes the grass IS greener.

Sticking with the HS beau "just because...", is often the wrong thing to do.

 

Instead of making your own way out, here, there was a 40 yo MM looking for a dissatisfied, naive woman to use for his own ends and you fitted the bill.

You are enjoying the attention just now, you are not involved but that will change and suddenly you will be the needy OW in love with a MM who has no intention of ever leaving his wife and stuck in a hot/cold. push/pull relationship. A very common scenario.

 

Please leave your bf, you are cheating on him and your relationship such as it is, is dire...

DO NOT end up having kids to try and sort the two of you out. KIDS often wreck relationships not mend them.

 

Relationships with MM who say up front they are not ever leaving their wife is a complete waste of your time and later you will regret it.

Respect yourself more, you deserve better.

In order to sort your life out you need to spend some time alone, some time playing the field, some time being a single person, some time to know what you really want from life, some time to sort out the partner you really need to complement your life.

[No Limit]

No, I don't think affairs ever help relationships.

 

For one, your selfishness is apparent in your post. You only write how good the affair makes you feel, not a single time you worry about what your partner might feel once the affair blows up. He will be traumatised, and these triggers never go away 100% - and so the relationship can never recover 100%. You could have worked on yourself, gain strength from yourself - instead you need it from someone else. And many will be happy to use you this way for their own gains.

 

It's kind of like becoming rich from child labor. Yes I'm technically better off than before, but the way I got there is horrible.

 

 

Why aren't you breaking up?

[CTRL C]

@Mr. Lucky - no, because I'm not agonizing. But I am upset with myself for not being upset. Horrible? Yes. Defendable? Hell no. Understandable? Maybe. I just spent a good chunk of my morning being told I'm not affectionate anymore, and having to explain that when your bf makes you ASK for a kiss, or a hug, or anything, not just occasionally but constantly for many years, that eventually you just stop asking. No affection becomes normal, then cold becomes normal. I probably should have left long ago but that kind of rut is hard to climb out of, even after you realize what's happening... Especially when every time you try to leave, he breaks down about how much you mean to him. How can I leave someone for supposedly lacking the very love they are begging me to stay for? It breaks my heart and it brings me to tears just typing about that.

 

@Elaine - no, I promise I would NEVER try to use children as a way to mend my own problems. Good Lord I don't see how anyone thinks that would ever work or be fair to those kids.

 

@No Limit - I wrote what I did because it's pretty obvious how anyone would feel if they found out their gf was sleeping with someone else, and I was trying to stick to facts pertinent to my question. Sorry I'm not really the type to pour out every emotion on the internet, but my worry for his reaction should go without saying. As for why I'm not breaking up right this second... I've actually tried leaving before, he convinced me back. Every reason I have for leaving he negates with his reasons for me to stay. Just human I suppose.

[No Limit]

@No Limit - I wrote what I did because it's pretty obvious how anyone would feel if they found out their gf was sleeping with someone else, and I was trying to stick to facts pertinent to my question. Sorry I'm not really the type to pour out every emotion on the internet, but my worry for his reaction should go without saying. As for why I'm not breaking up right this second... I've actually tried leaving before, he convinced me back. Every reason I have for leaving he negates with his reasons for me to stay. Just human I suppose.

 

Then maybe you should put your foot down and stick to your decision. If he demands a reason, then "Because I'm unhappy in this relationship" should be enough - and should he begin to accuse á la "But we have this and that, how can you be unhappy?" then it sounds like he doesn't care that much about your feelings. No one can force you to be with someone.

[oldshirt]

This is just plain nuts. A 25 y/o female still with a high school sweetheart that won't talk to her, treat her well, marry her or wants to have a home and family with her and they haven't had sex in 4 years???????????? :-O

 

 

Honey, just walk away and get a life.

 

 

It doesn't have to be this old guy. He was just fortunate enough that he winked at the right gal that was so lonely and dissatisfied in her relationship that she took the bait.

 

 

Just call it a day and declare this arrangement with this no-sex dude dead. It's ok to cry in your pillow for a night but get out the next day and start doing something fun.

 

 

A 25 year old female is still at the height of her dating market value but it's going to start to slide downward very soon. Do not waste another day of your "pretty" with either of these losers.

 

 

There is no sense to this. No sense at all.

[nightmare01]

I've read through most of this, but admit I may have missed a few things.

 

Do you want intimacy with your bf? stop lying to him. And you are lying - avoiding telling the truth is called a lie of omission. You're lying. Stop it. You can never be intimate with anyone as long as a lie - especially one of such significance - is between you.

 

Try showing your bf some respect. The reason people lie is to control others. We control how they see us, but also by controlling the facts as they know them we control the decisions they make. You have to admit, that's a pretty disrespectful thing to do. If you respect someone, you don't play them like a puppet on a string.

 

You're agonizing over a decision... just tell the truth and things will turn out as they do. You staying or going isn't just your decision. If your bf knew the truth he may well kick you out.. and thereby making your decision for you.

 

My story. I am a BH (betrayed husband). Dday (discovery day) was 14 years ago. My wife and I are still together.

 

So to answer your original question: can an affair improve the relationship dynamic?

 

The answer is clearly NO. Actually HELL NO would be closer. My wife and I are in a good place now, but it's been a very rough road. Our relationship is good, but it will never be what it was or what it could have been had she not cheated.

 

After an affair - if the full truth is revealed and the wayward partner has empathy and remorse and works their butt off to fix what led them to make that bad decision, staying together is possible. The after-affair relationship can be good, but never as good as it could have been.

 

Some will say otherwise. To them I suggest that if their belief were true, then everyone should go have affairs... imagine how good their relationships would be then.

[oldshirt]

 

 

It doesn't have to be this old guy. He was just fortunate enough that he winked at the right gal that was so lonely and dissatisfied in her relationship that she took the bait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a sidebar comment for one of the things I am always on my soapbox about on these forums.

 

 

This situation is exactly why I always tell young, single men to make their best move and best offer if there is some gal they have the sweets for even if she supposedly has a BF.

 

 

There are a lot of gals like this that are lonely, frustrated and dissatisfied with their supposed "BF" but are too shiftless and too afraid to leave the security of a relationship on their own.

 

 

If some single guy that she found attractive and found suitable that was of an appropriate age for her came along and made her a valid offer, she would have her bag packed and would be out the door in a New York minute and damn her all to hell if she didn't.

 

 

I am not saying that guys should go out and poach married women with minor children and mortgages and car payments for a piece of poontang; I am not saying that at all.

 

 

What I am saying is that if a single guy has a sincere interest in a single gal that has a BF to make her his best offer anyway. At that point it is up to her whether she accepts the offer or not.

 

 

There are lots of women just ripe for the pick'ns just like the OP here and if the right one comes along and makes the right offer she may just jump on it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Especially when every time you try to leave, he breaks down about how much you mean to him. How can I leave someone for supposedly lacking the very love they are begging me to stay for? It breaks my heart and it brings me to tears just typing about that.

 

In a healthy relationship, you don't have to threaten to leave to get that response. In a healthy relationship, you express and confirm your love through sexual intimacy. In a healthy relationship, you're not so lonely that you fall for the first guy who pays attention to you.

 

If the shoe fits...

 

Mr. Lucky