autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 OP, how old are your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sigher Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 13 and 17. He says he was happy and I shattered his world when I cheated, that the kids shouldn't only see him as fault. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 13 and 17. He says he was happy and I shattered his world when I cheated, that the kids shouldn't only see him as fault. Okay, your A was wrong. I am thinking that you probably know that. His first A might qualify as a revenge A, which is still cheating (and if cheating is always wrong that would include revenge, but whatevs). But ANOTHER affair? No. We all know why he wants to air your past. He wants to do the kindergarten playground "she hit me first!" temper tantrum thing. Someone earlier said that whoever files for CS first gets the most. That would be a good reason for you to file for D,IMO, even if you never ACTUALLY divorce him. All cheating is wrong, but it take a special kind of disgusting to come on here and imply that both his impregnating affairs are somehow residually your fault. Ridiculous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I do not believe in putting kids in the middle of adult situations. But in this situation, the MM will tell them about her affair so OP should tell them first. I agree with Goody on this like I said earlier. If she doesn't tell them, he will. He may even go one further and tell the kids the guy was married. Of course the kids SHOULDN'T be dragged into it, but infidelity affects them greatly. At this point , it's impossible for the kids not to be involved. Their lives are being affected by it. I read somewhere recently about a couple who told their 6 year and 10 year old , they were divorcing as they'd grown apart (This was the advice of a Counsellor) when the H cheated. Many didn't agree with lying to the kids and felt they should be told the truth, especially as he then wanted them to meet his OW after a month. Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 13 and 17. He says he was happy and I shattered his world when I cheated, that the kids shouldn't only see him as fault. I'm not sure I see how it is a benefit the kids to know of your A, but no way can his be hid from them. I suspect he's using this as a "reason" or "excuse", and you should probably expect more of the same to come in the near future. He's made it clear that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. It sounds to me like he has made up his mind but doesn't want to hurt/leave the kids. If (when) they find out he had an affair, is leaving to be with the OW and have a child with her, he's trying to level the playing field by telling them you're no saint either. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I'm not sure I see how it is a benefit the kids to know of your A, but no way can his be hid from them. I suspect he's using this as a "reason" or "excuse", and you should probably expect more of the same to come in the near future. He's made it clear that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. It sounds to me like he has made up his mind but doesn't want to hurt/leave the kids. If (when) they find out he had an affair, is leaving to be with the OW and have a child with her, he's trying to level the playing field by telling them you're no saint either. This might be bad, so I apologize. But IF this were me: I would set aside some private time with my kids, tell them you want to talk with them. Tell them of the current situation, and then say, "But I really think you need the whole story." Then tell them in a very contrite manner that while you and your h were having some real problems, you made X bad choice, why it was wrong, how bad you felt, how you are so sorry...then just lay out EXACTLY how your H responded for all these years. Including the pregnancies and abortion. Reassure them of your love, apologize again, tell them you are there for them, etc. He's gonna stamp and threaten? Tell them first...YOUR way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHHAHA. I think I'm going insane. How can I believe anything she says? I half believe it. Sigh. If based on nothing more than experience, I'd say she's more believable than your H. At least she doesn't have a multi-year history of lying to you. He says he was happy and I shattered his world when I cheated Why is this so hard for you to believe ??? Hasn't he shattered your world by cheating? Many souses would benefit by scrutinizing their own actions to the same degree they scrutinize their partner's... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 13 and 17. He says he was happy and I shattered his world when I cheated, that the kids shouldn't only see him as fault. He should have divorced you before now if that's how he felt. I'm trying to be fair to him as well and you probably did shatter his world , but his sowing his oats and having affairs is just making things worse. If he left and met another woman, then had a child , there wouldn't be all this fuss. Does his sister know you had an affair? Do other family members know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) OW is 38? Now that explains a lot. OP I dare bet your husband is a 'predator' for affairs. OW was entering her final years to have her own children and your husband sensed that right away and wanted to use that to his advantage - but dang, then the pregnancy happened and OW wasn't as easy to control as she used to be. Damn minx wasn't happy anymore with just promises of marriage, she actually wanted it and stuff - crap! Honestly - what's making you stay with this man? It can't be love anymore. But it's good that at least OW has a spine and won't allow that pig to trample all over her, even if she only has herself to blame. He won't get away easily this time, he's going to have to take responsibility for that poor child, forever branded as affair baby if word ever got around (if you're desperate for payback - there's your opening). edit; and don't let that bastard take it all out on you - indeed, tell your kids the whole story first. Him IMPREGNATING someone else crosses a line even further down the road than cheating (female equivalent being making a man believe it's his child when it isn't). Edited July 10, 2015 by No Limit Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I am really concerned that OP is here for people to be indignant right along with her, holding her hand and singing kumbaya rather than hearing any answers tjat.could be of help. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Many souses would benefit by scrutinizing their own actions to the same degree they scrutinize their partner's... Mr. Lucky I obviously meant "spouses" though souses may also benefit from introspection... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Ican't believe another woman is setting out to break up everything we've worked for. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do or say to save us. Another WOMAN setting out to break you up? Try the SAME HUSBAND. And guess why he keeps cheating? Because all YOU care about is 'saving us.' He KNOWS you aren't going anywhere. He knows he can do whatever he wants because all you care about is staying married. You have no power in your marriage because you'll keep it at all costs. You have to be willing to lose what you want in order to save it. He has to KNOW you will leave him if he can't keep it in his pants. And sadly, odds are good he can't. He's now a serial cheater. You set the bar by cheating first, but this isn't working. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 What some of you don't seem to understand is our kids still hurt from the first affair (his, they dont know about mine) and there really isn't any other way forward except to stay together for them. I am trying to do what is best for THEM. Ridiculous excuse to keep you from doing what needs to be done. Just be honest with us. YOU don't want to be alone. You want what YOU want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) This is so unfair that we have to suffer now. This is a consequence of your own bad choice to have an affair. Own it and stop blaming others. You have zero moral high ground now, even if you think you do because you ran to Jesus to bail you out when you got caught out. I am worried he will try and leave for that <woman>. She's no worse than you. She's done exactly what you did - have an affair with a MM. This whole situation was brought about by your choosing to have an affair - for a year, not a mistake. A consistent, sustained choice. Own it, and your role in all this, instead of all this blame shifting. These are the consequences of your own actions. Instead of blaming others, work out how best to take things forward sustainably, rationally and responsibly. I feel so sorry for your kids. And when they learn - as they will - that this entire mess was your fault, don't be surprised if they don't want anything further to do with you. Edited July 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Sigher How are you doing ? Have you both made a decision on the way forward? I just wanted to say that you shouldn't let these affairs define who you are and affect your happiness going forward. Your H and you can work to co-parent successfully and ultimately find happiness with other partners. It will be a lot better for your children to see you both happy, even if that is living apart. You have many years ahead, so do your best to make them good ones. What's done is done and I'm sure as much as you'd like to, you can't take take back what you did, so don't get stuck in a rut over it - move on and be happy . Link to post Share on other sites
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