Another OW

[goodyblue]

I just wish she would go away and let us be. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that how I feel? YES.

 

Yes. It is beyond wrong. Leave him. Be.strong for your kids. Do you really want them thinking that what you two have is a healthy relationship? It is beyond dysfunction. You have both cheated, him multiple times and your affair lasted a year. That is not love, my friend.

 

And your kids have a right to know their sibling exists. That is their family. What if your husband gets standard visitation? How will you treat that child?

 

I am sure you've u are devastated, and maybe you will feel better as time goes, but this is your reality now. You have to deal with it. I am sorry your husband foisted this on you. It is wrong. I cannot imagine having MM's baby. It is pretty much the most irresponsible thing she and your husband could do to your family.

Edited July 8, 2015 by goodyblue

[Popsicle]

Since you are deadset on not divorcing (and your H probably is too), you all will adapt. I wish you luck and hope you find some happiness in your future.

[velvette]

What some of you don't seem to understand is our kids still hurt from the first affair (his, they dont know about mine) and there really isn't any other way forward except to stay together for them. I am trying to do what is best for THEM.

 

 

The best thing you can do for your kids is to see a lawyer and file for a separate maintenance agreement and divorce.

 

 

In addition to child support, make sure you request their college tuition be paid and that you H not be able to have them around OW. Also, ask the attorney if you can get him out of the house until the D is settled.

 

 

As has already been stated she who files first for child support gets the most.

 

 

Let your H is apparently sitting on the fence. Kick him off. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Clearly all is not well in affair land if the OW feels the need to call you to get him to leave and stay with her.

 

 

Enlist the support of your family, his family if they are supportive and your friends to help you deal with this.

 

 

Yes he may go to OW if you kick him out, but my guess is it wont last.

 

 

Clearly something did not go right in your attempt at reconciliation after your A. Whether or not that can be fixed I don't know. Even if it were possible, do you really want to with the new factor of an other child to deal with?

 

 

Your children are old enough to know the truth, but you probably also need to tell them the truth about your own affair. The truth will set everyone free and shake everything out. Right now, your H is torn and confused because he is living a life of deceit and illusion. He will not have clarity until he has to face all of the truth head on.

[beach]

Believe me, I know he is part of the problem. I AM UPSET. But I also know she made herself available.

 

I wish it were so easy to just say I will go on my own but my kids cannot handle that. Part of me can't handle it, if I am being honest. We've been together nearly 30 years. This is not the shame I want. I cheated too, which I know started all of this.

 

I don't really have a support system outside of church friends. The one have told wants to hold an intervention with our pastor for us. We did counseling, twice, and this still happened. I know we will never love each other the same after what I did. But I am scared and don't ant to kick him out. I am not that strong. I wish I was.

 

I cannot handle a child from an affair messing us up.

 

It's not yours to handle if you divorce him. It will be his to handle.

 

 

Do you work? How old are your kids?

 

 

You can't afford to stay married to him when he's constantly stealing your peace of mind.

[miseenscene]

Others have already said much of what I wanted to say but:

 

I'm devastated hubby is having another affair. I can't do this again.

 

A few years ago I had a year long affair with a coworker. H was devastated but we stayed together working it out. Praying to god and with help from our families. Then two years ago he came home one night and confessed an affair and said he was leaving.

 

He moved in with the OW and knocked her up in less than a month. We have 2 kids and the guilt of leaving us finally made him come to his senses. OW thankfully threatened and followed through with an abortion when he said he wanted to come home. Things we rough for a while but we have been great for over a year now, he is a great dad and the kids are recovered.

 

Today I got a call from a new OW saying she has been seeing him for 5 months and just learned she's pregnant. She told me all kinds of lies I know he would not have told her.

 

How do you know that? He has lied to you many times and is actively lying to you now! What about his behavior made you conclude that you can accurately assess what he would or would not have told his secret second (that you know of) mistress?

 

He would never leave us. I CANT DO THIS AGAIN. H has no idea because OW stopped contact when he refused to tell me. I can't believe another woman is setting out to break up everything we've worked for.

 

SERIOUSLY??? You are including your husband in the "we" in that sentence? Your husband who had sex with this woman, lied to you, and got her pregnant? And SHE is setting out to ruin what the two of you -- you and said husband -- have worked hard for?

 

Now I'm trying to figure out what to do or say to save us.

The OW seems determined to make my life miserable and says her family will use every resource to prevent her child from being near me when I told her I was god fearing, but could not accept this.

That is a narcissistic way of thinking. You told her that you wouldn't accept her child and she in response communicated that she will use resources at her disposal to keep her child away from someone who said they can't accept them? So, she wants to protect her future child? Shocking! And it's all to make you miserable, right?

 

I honestly thought everything with H was good. Yes, we have tension for sure at times, but I thought we were okay. I am devastated. I believe in marriage for life and cannot lose my husband! Why is this women doing this to us? Why do we have to go through this?

 

Again -- there is no "us" -- you and your husband -- being victimized by this woman. There is your husband who colluded with this woman to betray your trust. What, exactly, is she doing to you? Stop and think for a second and try to answer that question.

 

She says she will not have an abortion under any circumstance and wasn't asking for anything now, but wanted me to know, because after the child is born she will file for CS, which we can't even afford on his income. This is so unfair that we have to suffer now.

It is completely fair that if he fathered this child, he should support it. It is fair. It is more than fair -- it is the law. And again, there is no "we" that is unfairly suffering. You persist in making the other woman into this enemy against "us" rather than actually seeing the situation for what it is -- your husband stopped being "us" apparently quite some time ago. If you think that it is unfair that you are being treated that way (and I agree, it is unfair that your husband treats you this way), you have the power to change that. Stop short-changing yourself.

 

I can't support myself and don't want to lose him.

If you can't support yourself because you have not worked, because you stayed home with the children, you should be entitled to alimony. There are also various government and faith-based resources you can access. You may not be able to support yourself right now, but unless it's a situation of chronic illness/disability, you should be able to work toward supporting yourself.

 

I am worried he will try and leave for that <woman>.

 

If he does, you can't do anything about it. And if that is what he wants and chooses, why would you want him?

I can't take this anymore.

 

So don't. Stop protecting your husband by directing all the anger appropriate to him onto his lover, accept the reality of what has happened and is happening, and go from there. These things that you want to be true -- that she is the problem, that she is lying, that she is torturing (the plural) you -- they are not going to be true just because you wish it so. It would be to your benefit to realize that you are in denial. What you are experiencing is common -- people focus ALL their anger on the affair partner because attributing appropriate blame to their spouse would be unbearable or would mean that they would have to end their marriage -- so you are not alone, and this is normal -- but it won't help you in the long run. The sooner you can accept the truth of the situation, the better off you and your kids will be.

Edited July 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

A few years ago I had a year long affair with a coworker.

 

Not sure why you'd ask "how could he?" when you already know the answer. You placed your marriage and future in the same jeopardy he's foolishly exposing it to now.

 

Given the damage, I'd divorce and move on, focusing on your kids as best you can and hope he does the same. Sorry, some things can't be recovered...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

You know maybe your husband was the type to have an affair anyway, but your affair is probably what killed the marriage. You say you don't want to loose him , but you had a year long affair..he could have divorced you then.

 

Maybe somewhere in his mind , he thinks you could do this again and the love he had for you died when you had the affair. It's just never the same after an affair.

 

Both your H and the OW were wrong. She knowingly slept with a MM and has to face the reality that he's going to be a part time father. That's what she's chosen for her child.

Whilst he is legally bound to pay CS , I have to say if I truly was rich and could raise my child without support from the MM, I would do so. Purely out of shame and guilt for my part in all this, but I would want the child to have a relationship with the father.

 

Your H would be entitled to visitation , so unless she convinced the court that you are a danger to the child , you would see the baby when your H has visitation at your home. He's not likely to have overnights while the baby is an infant though. Many OWs don't want the wife to be around the OC, but this is not acceptable to the BW, as it's an easy way to rekindle the affair.

 

Can you really stay in this marriage with a living reminder of his infidelity?

 

I just can't imagine my SIL telling me my husband doesn't love me and me still wanting the marriage. The thought of being intimate with him after hearing this would be very difficult for me.

 

It seems your husband's love for your kids is more than his love for the OW. Why not think about an open marriage till the youngest leaves if you won't divorce now ? I suppose you are the ones who know how the last affair affected them, so I understand to a certain degree why you don't want them hurt again.

 

This is the reality of affairs though, people get hurt.

Let me also say you not wanting the OC is a normal and natural reaction, so don't let ANYONE MAKE you fee bad for feeling this way.

 

Quite frankly , if a wife wasn't upset and angry over an OC, I'd say she needed her head tested.

 

You need to speak to your H and tell him what you know and ask him directly what he wants.

So you hear it from him and not a third party. The situation can't be ignored and you both have to face the reality ahead .

[Sandy43]

While I am certainly no advocate for OW I cannot understand how you are placing all of the blame on her, your H is the one that made these choices, if it wasn't her he would have found someone else to have an A with. Why would you want to stay with a man who you cheated on, then he cheated on you and impregnated two other women? Get out of that marriage, it is definately not worth staying for any reason especially for your grown children.

[Arieswoman]

OP, I'm afraid that this "marriage" is a joke.

 

There is no commitment on either side and neither one of you wants to address what is really going on.

 

I suggest that you be the sensible one and put an end to it.

[gettingstronger]

Kindly- you mentioning church quite a bit- I think it would be a good idea to absorb more of what is said there rather than just attending- I am thinking none of you are living the life you want or behaving in a manner consistent with the teachings of your church- I am not calling you out or saying you are a sinner, but living a purposeful life is normally at the center of religion- I hope you find that-

[No Limit]

She told me all kinds of lies I know he would not have told her. He would never leave us.

 

Sorry honey, but chances are OW told the truth. Your H probably told her how miserable he was in his marriage and how he would leave you in time - that's classic cheater textbook; of course he didn't mean it, but he did say it.

 

And don't worry, he won't leave you for her - it's better to pay child support for just 1 kid instead of 2. However, you sound so desperate because you're dependant on him (and that alone makes most men brave enough to cheat, because they know you'll have stick around anyway; your own affair just added to this feeling of entitelment) - can you change that and get a better home for you and the kids?

 

And no, you never worked on anything as your husband's behavior shows. Even if your effort was true in nature your husband is at best keeping face due to the circumstances.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

You mentioned your affair was with a coworker , so are you still working? I know very often two incomes are needed to sustain the household and divorce can be very expensive and impact the whole family.

 

You two need to talk and put some rules in place going forward. If he's truly unhappy, but doesn't want to get divorced , then you need to have a plan and that plan shouldn't be him continuing to cheat and getting OW pregnant.

 

Yes, it's not right for them to sleep with a MM, but many women out there have no problem with being a MM. There will ALWAYS be women like that and you can't shut your H away from the outside world.

 

I understand this is a horrible time for you.

 

Have you ever tried IC? MC? Maybe MC will help you both realise whether or not the marriage can continue. A counsellor that specialises in infidelity would be better.

[ladydesigner]

She says she will not have an abortion under any circumstance and wasn't asking for anything now, but wanted me to know, because after the child is born she will file for CS, which we can't even afford on his income. This is so unfair that we have to suffer now.

 

I can't support myself and don't want to lose him. I am worried he will try and leave for that <woman>. I can't take this anymore.

 

You need to be strong right now! Do you have any kids? Because if you do I would beat OW to the punch and file for CS first that way she gets last on the support.

Edited July 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sigher]

No. I quit as a condition of him staying. If we didnt have the kids I would leave. I figured his last affair was a reaction to mine. He didn't knocked her up until after he left. I made his life miserable and every threat in the book to bring him back. He said he loved me, etc, wanted to be a family. Now he has done this again. We decided not telling the kids about my affair was best. They knew about his because he moved out, and he told them they would have another sibling, before first OW had the abortion.

[ladydesigner]

Sigher you need to file for CS for your kids before OW does her child.

 

I'm not sure I could deal with an OC

[beach]

You can't trust your H - and so the M isn't worth staying.

 

Is file for D - request spousal and child support. Request half of all assets including investments and any pension plan he may have.

 

Make sure you get a job so you can rely on being self supporting.

 

He can deal with his own issues. Hopefully he learns something from his sick pattern and gets a vasectomy.

[beach]

No. I quit as a condition of him staying. If we didnt have the kids I would leave. I figured his last affair was a reaction to mine. He didn't knocked her up until after he left. I made his life miserable and every threat in the book to bring him back. He said he loved me, etc, wanted to be a family. Now he has done this again. We decided not telling the kids about my affair was best. They knew about his because he moved out, and he told them they would have another sibling, before first OW had the abortion.

 

You need to set an example for your kids that you deserve to be treated well. He's not capable of that.

[Mr. Lucky]

No. I quit as a condition of him staying. If we didnt have the kids I would leave. I figured his last affair was a reaction to mine. He didn't knocked her up until after he left. I made his life miserable and every threat in the book to bring him back. He said he loved me, etc, wanted to be a family. Now he has done this again. We decided not telling the kids about my affair was best. They knew about his because he moved out, and he told them they would have another sibling, before first OW had the abortion.

 

What a mess.

 

Since your H is required to support you and his kids married or not, why would you want to stay in this relationship? By your actions, you both seem to be clearly stating it doesn't work for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[daisygirl19]

I am sorry for your pain. What a horrible situation. However, I can't help but feel like you're choosing to stay for the "wrong" reasons. I think you are using your kids as an excuse to stay married. Yes, it will hurt them, but they're not babies, and they've already been hurt by the previous affairs and the sham of a marriage you're exposing them to. I think maybe the thought of being alone, admitting defeat in ending the marriage, changing your lifestyle, having people find out, and all that goes with it are your more prominent reasons. Also, with all due respect, I think you've gotten used to the role of being the martyr in the situation. Problem is, you're also responsible for the pain you are in. You are choosing to remain in a marriage, and keep your husband in a marriage that he clearly does not want to be in. He's told you he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. WHY do you still want him? If you feel like it's because you truly do still love him (although can't imagine how that is possible), then set him free. There is no happiness to be found here.

 

I hope you find the peace you need to get stronger and free yourself from the hell you are living in, and be a better role model for your children. Clearly, your husband is not capable of that.

 

I apologize if I sound harsh. I'm struggling so much with your story because my SO's ex-wife sounds so very similar to you. I was the OW, he was the MM. We are now openly together and she still blames me for everything. In her mind, what I did to their marriage was far worse than him cheating on her. I ruined their lives, he was just my victim. I just can't understand the logic.

[ladydesigner]

I was the OW, he was the MM. We are now openly together and she still blames me for everything. In her mind, what I did to their marriage was far worse than him cheating on her. I ruined their lives, he was just my victim. I just can't understand the logic.

 

Well you aren't completely blameless in this if you knew he was married from the start.

[Ms. Faust]

You are complaining about child support but he SHOULD pay. It is his kid.

 

I agree. If this OW chooses to have the child you need to prepare to pony up. You can thank your husband for that.

[ladydesigner]

I agree. If this OW chooses to have the child you need to prepare to pony up. You can thank your husband for that.

 

Op you don't need to thank your WH for knocking the OW up. But you could make this difficult for him and her!

 

Like I said file for CS you will get paid more than the OW if you file first.

[daisygirl19]

Well you aren't completely blameless in this if you knew he was married from the start.

 

Of course not! I am absolutely to blame! My point was only that she sees him as basically blameless, and me completely to blame. She has told us both, as recently as last week, that she will always hold me ultimately accountable because I should have ended my friendship with him immediately after my divorce, because she believes divorced women should never be friends with married men - we cannot be trusted. And there is no arguing or disagreeing with her, because in her mind, I gave her "proof" of this belief.

[ladydesigner]

Of course not! I am absolutely to blame! My point was only that she sees him as basically blameless, and me completely to blame. She has told us both, as recently as last week, that she will always hold me ultimately accountable because I should have ended my friendship with him immediately after my divorce, because she believes divorced women should never be friends with married men - we cannot be trusted. And there is no arguing or disagreeing with her, because in her mind, I gave her "proof" of this belief.

 

Unfortunately she can hold you accountable as much as she wants. One day she may come to the realization that her Ex is really to blame, it took me some time too to see this.

 

Honestly I am at the point where I am not sure my WH can even be friends with a woman divorced or not his boundaries are so piss poor!

 

I agree her Ex is not blameless and it is silly to think that way. I hope she will come to this realization on her own for her own good.

[daisygirl19]

Unfortunately she can hold you accountable as much as she wants. One day she may come to the realization that her Ex is really to blame, it took me some time too to see this.

 

Honestly I am at the point where I am not sure my WH can even be friends with a woman divorced or not his boundaries are so piss poor!

 

I agree her Ex is not blameless and it is silly to think that way. I hope she will come to this realization on her own for her own good.

 

Yup. She can hold me accountable and hate me forever, and there is nothing I can do about it other than to give her space and be as gracious as possible when we are around each other. I truly hope she finds peace someday, for her own sake, and especially for their kids.