Simon Phoenix Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 But I hate thinking that my entire relationship was a lie, and my struggles were for nothing. I don't want to have to think the last almost two years of my life have been simply for his rebounding. It eats at me. I'm sorry. I never thought I'd lose so much over a man. Just because the end was awful doesn't mean that the relationship wasn't real. Just because things change doesn't mean that what was before it wasn't legitimate. As for your struggles being for nothing, that's based on what you do now, not what happened then. You keep focusing on something that's over and can't be undone instead of focusing on something you can control, which is your present and your future. The only way this will be "for nothing" is if you continue to lose focus and continue to go out of your way not to learn and evolve from this. In trying to rewrite the past, you're hurting your future. It's a chapter of your life that has been written and is finished. It's time to write the next chapter. Keep your eyes on the prize. Stop getting distracted by the headlights and chasing after them like a dog with ADD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Thank you for understanding. My head is just so full of confusion and "whys" right now. I feel like every special moment we had together was a lie, and I play our relationship over in my mind and wonder if any of it was genuine. I really loved this guy, I tried harder than anything I've ever tried at in my life. I put up with so much emotional abuse (that I didn't really truly see until our relationship was over). I lost friends so I could take care of him. Lost my job. Most importantly, I lost myself. Sometimes I feel like I could take physical abuse any day over mental/emotional, as bad as it sounds. The memories are still painful and still there. I helped him with his divorce stuff. Now I feel like some sort of home wrecker, because I don't know for sure if she really cheated on him because he's a habitual liar, so I feel like I broke up a marriage. I feel like an all around awful person. I wish she knew how bad I feel about it. At the time, I could just go by what he told me. I would never willingly break up a marriage, or any relationship for that matter. But the worst feeling of all is being discarded garbage. Being told I was the worst girlfriend he ever had then seeing that he's back with his ex wife. After the breakup I closed all lines of communication between us on social media and by phone. He didn't like that at all. I often wonder if some of the hateful things he said to me these past two months were because I stood up for myself. He never liked that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Just because the end was awful doesn't mean that the relationship wasn't real. Just because things change doesn't mean that what was before it wasn't legitimate. As for your struggles being for nothing, that's based on what you do now, not what happened then. You keep focusing on something that's over and can't be undone instead of focusing on something you can control, which is your present and your future. The only way this will be "for nothing" is if you continue to lose focus and continue to go out of your way not to learn and evolve from this. In trying to rewrite the past, you're hurting your future. It's a chapter of your life that has been written and is finished. It's time to write the next chapter. Keep your eyes on the prize. Stop getting distracted by the headlights and chasing after them like a dog with ADD. And that's where I think therapy will help. I have a hard time letting go of being hurt, and letting go of the past in general. No one else in my family is like this, so I don't know where I got it from. They all have a "F*ck it, I'm moving on." mentality, while I drown in my sorrows. So my family really hasn't been of much comfort to me, because they don't understand my way of thinking. That is why I come here. It helps more than you guys know. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be "normal". Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You will be. I have faith that you can focus on yourself and fill the void within you yourself. Once that happens you'll be whole again, without he need for anyone else. Stop replaying events, you didn't do anything to deserve the way he's treTing you. He probably is being mean because you're sticking up for yourself and he likes controlling you. Just disappear on him, you'll gain both strength and control. You can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jemay Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I'm not going anywhere this weekend specifically so I don't have to see him. I'm going to therapy because I think there are some deep issues perhaps related to my previous emotional issues, emotional abuse and depression and I think I need to physically HEAR someone tell me "This is your problem." so I can get a push in the right direction. I willingly admit I am terrible when it comes to managing my emotions, depression and mood disorder. I go from happy and content to the very depths of despair sometimes. This breakup has brought all those issues to the surface again, and I've taken this rejection so personal. . Never once in my life did I consider therapy, I'm the average messed up kind of girl, yet I thought I was doing just fine. Rejection and abandonment in my last relationship triggered me so badly I was suicidal, and it's when I started therapy and yes it has helped me TONS. And I hope it will help you as well. My therapist is there for me, only me, and it feels so good to have that kind of support. I also started DBT group therapy, I figured if I'm gonna work on myself, I may as well go all in. I know if I don't address my ****, I will never be capable to be in a healthy relationship. And that's what I want, and it is helping me soooo much, I wish the same for you. Good luck to you x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You were together for a year and a half, you're going to hurt, it's going to feel bad. However, you need to deal with your thirst for self-destructive behavior. You wrote "all the times he put me down"...your partner should NOT be putting you down. That is neither healthy or respectful. You got so emotionally attached to someone who was bad for you, that ever present thirst for self-destruction. That needs to be dealt with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jemay Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 And that's where I think therapy will help. I have a hard time letting go of being hurt, and letting go of the past in general. No one else in my family is like this, so I don't know where I got it from. They all have a "F*ck it, I'm moving on." mentality, while I drown in my sorrows. So my family really hasn't been of much comfort to me, because they don't understand my way of thinking. That is why I come here. It helps more than you guys know. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be "normal". You sound like a sensitive person, I am one, too, we take things harder emotionally. Sensitive people are very special, don't be too hard on yourself okay You will definitely heal and feel good again, just takes time, joy will find you again x Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 You will be. I have faith that you can focus on yourself and fill the void within you yourself. Once that happens you'll be whole again, without he need for anyone else. Stop replaying events, you didn't do anything to deserve the way he's treTing you. He probably is being mean because you're sticking up for yourself and he likes controlling you. Just disappear on him, you'll gain both strength and control. You can do it! He doesn't like strong women, I don't think. The night before he left me, was the first time I ever stood up for myself and I kicked him out for the evening. It's amazing that we were only together half the time he and the ex wife were, but apparently I see him for who he is more than she does. You were together for a year and a half, you're going to hurt, it's going to feel bad. However, you need to deal with your thirst for self-destructive behavior. You wrote "all the times he put me down"...your partner should NOT be putting you down. That is neither healthy or respectful. You got so emotionally attached to someone who was bad for you, that ever present thirst for self-destruction. That needs to be dealt with. It's because I play the words he said over and over in my head. "You are responsible for this. You make me more angry than anyone I've ever been with." You, you, you. I'm convinced it was my fault, that if I'd been a "better woman", he wouldn't have said those terrible things. It sounds pathetic, but I do flip flop between thinking he's just an ass and blaming myself for things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 You sound like a sensitive person, I am one, too, we take things harder emotionally. Sensitive people are very special, don't be too hard on yourself okay You will definitely heal and feel good again, just takes time, joy will find you again x I'm a very sensitive person. TOO much of a sensitive person. It hasn't really benefitted me yet anywhere in life. I'm glad therapy worked for you. That is very reassuring. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You have to understand that people say all sorts of horrible things when they are mad, upset and or frustrated. It really speaks to this persons character. People also say all the right things but their actions do the opposite. They are just words, nothing more, nothing less. His actions and how he treated you and others are what you need to remind yourself of. I have an ex GF of mine that always told me I was the "love of her life" and "I was stuck with her forever".. Then, a day later she'd break up with me over nothing. She'd then call me a day or two later and reverse course again and say she was sorry, that she loved me so much, blah, blah, blah.. The cycle kept repeating. She finally pulled this again and I'd had enough. I went NC, healed and then met my now 2 year GF a few months later. This woman reappeared 5.5 months later begging for another try and was told no. There's a lot of damaged people out there and for the most part people don't change. I've forgiven this ex and to be frank, I really feel sorry for her. She really needs intensive therapy to get to the core of her problems or she's going to continue on with horrifically unhealthy relationships for the rest of her life. Everyone is carrying emotional baggage of some sort. The key is to find someone w/the smallest suit case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Everyone is carrying emotional baggage of some sort. The key is to find someone w/the smallest suit case. I like this Link to post Share on other sites
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