i did everything wrong tonight. Am I really the problem?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The hickeys: he got into a fight with some random person at a bar. The guy was choking him and the rubbing of his hands in his neck made the marks.

 

The condom: he was drunk and at his buddy's room, and accidentally grabbed the condom off of his friend's dresser when he was grabbing his things.

 

 

The condom story is plausible, but unlikely.

 

 

The hickeys are total BS. Hickeys are bruises caused by vacuum. No way a hand can make the same marks.

[dumbass2]

It is time for you to seriously consider seeing a therapist to help you through this. Coming on here is not getting you anywhere. Of course you are not going to be able to take our advice and put it into action because you wont allow yourself and I know it's very hard because you are thinking with your heart. I know I couldn't at first. I think you need to hear it from a professional at this point. Do you have a close friend or family member that you can really talk to and who will listen and wants to help? I have a few close friend that helped me so much as well as this forum for a while.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I can assure you that you are not insane.

 

Many, MANY of us have gone through horrific break-ups that devastate us; the trick is simply to keep moving forward, one day at a time.

 

I was with a guy for a little over two years. The first 14 months were *amazing* and the last 16 months were hell. It was the ending of that relationship that brought me to this site and it took me a full two years to get over him.

 

I was in an 11-year relationship as well as a five-year marriage that weren't as hard to get over as that one, toxic relationship.

 

But it does get better. See a counselor and stop going places that you know he may show up. Don't do those things that cause triggers for you that remind you of him.

 

And STOP DRINKING!

 

I think a counselor will do me some good. I think I may make an appointment this week. I have pre-existing depression and anxiety issues that go back all the way to childhood. I lost my insurance when I lost my job, so I haven't been able to get my anxiety medication. Now that I'm enrolled in school, I can get counseling and medications from the university clinic.

 

I know y'all think I am always around him, but when I say this is a small town, I really mean it. I see him everywhere. I go to different local hangouts on the weekends, and he or his friends almost always show up to them. I see him driving around all the time. I even see him at the beach. It's like I can't not see him.

 

What bothers me more is that YOU let her talk to you like that.

 

I don't do well on the spot, and I had been drinking so I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to say anything of substance to her without it coming out stupid. I wish I had stuck up for myself. I know I'm not technically friends with this girl, but she should still have a little respect and know that I am hurting. She was literally rubbing the fact that she was with my ex and I was upset over it in my face.

 

Many people rewrite the relationship after it happens and then spin the breakup. You can't control that, but you know the truth. You have to get to a point where what you know is all that matters. Take responsibility for your part, and let him have his. It's not your responsibility to set the record straight for him. You can let it drive you crazy, or move on and realize that his opinion of you doesn't matter in the grand scheme of your life. His opinion should be the last one you care about.

 

I know my part. I know I could be difficult. Like I said, it was so hard and stressful being in the relationship at times. It wasn't healthy.

 

I think what I want more than anything is for him to admit where he was wrong. He still has never done this. Even last night he swore up and down all of our issues were me, or in my head. He has convinced me that I am indeed crazy. I don't think he will ever give me the apology I want and need. It goes beyond hurt feelings. I lost a job and more because of him. I can't really go into specifics, but I got into trouble for him. I stood up for him so he wouldn't lose his Army career during a domestic dispute, at the cost of my job and there were legal issues. So it goes so much deeper than hurt feelings. I feel like I was the one who sacrificed and lost it all. I lost time, money, work, my sanity, even had some health issues.

 

I just want him to genuinely be sorry, but he never seems to see his part in anything. He always turns it around on me. As someone who has always been strong with empathy, I take this especially hard and can't seem to accept that he does this.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

The condom story is plausible, but unlikely.

 

 

The hickeys are total BS. Hickeys are bruises caused by vacuum. No way a hand can make the same marks.

 

I did look it up on Google, and it's actually possible to have marks that resemble hickeys from being choked. The problem was, his story kept changing. He also felt the need to call me at one in the morning that night to give me a weird disclaimer before I saw the marks. "When you see me, you're going to think I have hickeys. This is what happened..."

 

It is time for you to seriously consider seeing a therapist to help you through this. Coming on here is not getting you anywhere. Of course you are not going to be able to take our advice and put it into action because you wont allow yourself and I know it's very hard because you are thinking with your heart. I know I couldn't at first. I think you need to hear it from a professional at this point. Do you have a close friend or family member that you can really talk to and who will listen and wants to help? I have a few close friend that helped me so much as well as this forum for a while.

 

There were times where I went completely NC and actually did put advice into practice, but my problem is I can't seem to stick with it. I backtrack. It's like I relapse. Some of the happier times I've had during this breakup have been from NC. I just don't know how to get myself to make it stick. That's what's difficult. I know I must seem really weak.

[changeofseasons]

This dude sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder, i think you should look at this as a blessing in disguise. He probably talked **** about you to that girl that you were on good terms with. These people are scum, distance yourself for the sake of your sanity. And i know that living in a small city is difficult when everyone knows your business and you're constantly bumping into people. Feels isolating, but know that it wont always be like this.

[Satu]

You'll never ever get closure from him.

 

He knows you want it, and he gets a kick out of not giving it to you.

 

The only place where you'll find closure is inside yourself.

 

You're not there yet, but you can get there in the fulness of time.

 

Remember:

 

His kick comes from denying you what you want.

 

Take care.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

This dude sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder, i think you should look at this as a blessing in disguise. He probably talked **** about you to that girl that you were on good terms with. These people are scum, distance yourself for the sake of your sanity. And i know that living in a small city is difficult when everyone knows your business and you're constantly bumping into people. Feels isolating, but know that it wont always be like this.

 

I have always wondered if my ex is a narcissist. He certainly didn't come off that way in the beginning. He charmed his way into my life and made me feel special. My friend even told me on the phone earlier that she remembers me saying no one has ever made me feel so good about myself. After a few months, everything became about him. He monopolized conversations. It was all about his day, his job, his funny stories. He never listened in return. He does not take criticism well at all. As I mentioned earlier, he'll literally cover his ears when I tried to talk to him about issues, or he'd turn it around and insult me.

 

Do narcissists ever change for the "right" person, or do they always act this way unless they get help?

 

You'll never ever get closure from him.

 

He knows you want it, and he gets a kick out of not giving it to you.

 

The only place where you'll find closure is inside yourself.

 

You're not there yet, but you can get there in the fulness of time.

 

Remember:

 

His kick comes from denying you what you want.

 

Take care.

 

I just don't get why he can't give me that closure and apology so I can move on. Shouldn't he just do it for both of our sakes? He knows me. He knows I don't like to leave things unresolved. He keeps denying me the one thing I want, and I've told him this several times.

 

I appreciate your advice. I appreciate everyone's advice from the bottom of my heart, even if I have a hard time sticking to it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just not the relationship type. I cling too hard onto people who are bad for me, and I seem to attract the same people over and over.

 

I am definitely calling Monday and making an appointment to talk to a counselor. The problem is, I don't even know where to begin when I talk to them.

[changeofseasons]

It depends, but i think that narcissists and emotionally unavailable men are so self centered, practically thinking their God's gift to man, that they have no idea that they're hurting people or they think they're always in the right. No one can change them but themselves and even if they found someone they genuinely wanted to be with, they're still going to struggle with all the problems that they have. It sounds like this guy is a grown ass man, not an immature young guy who doesnt know wtf he's doing so i would assume he is set in his ways and wont change unless he has some type of life crisis.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just don't get why he can't give me that closure and apology so I can move on. Shouldn't he just do it for both of our sakes? He knows me. He knows I don't like to leave things unresolved. He keeps denying me the one thing I want, and I've told him this several times.

 

No, it's not his job to give you closure. It's not his job to save you from yourself. That's your job. Stop trying to involve him in your recovery. That's inappropriate.

 

It's your job to close the door for yourself. His closure was dumping you. Your refusal to accept this reality is on you, not on him.

 

That doesn't mean he's been acting appropriately at all. He's a douchebag. An extreme douchebag. But you keep giving him fuel to continue to be a douchebag by haphazardly chasing "closure". Closure comes from you, comes from within. Hell, the fact that he's treating you like dirt should be that closure, But for whatever reason, you don't want to acknowledge this. You keep doubling down on this closure chase and you keep getting destroyed.

 

Right now you are the gambler that has lost their savings at the casino. Instead of walking away, you feel some bizarre need to double down and put your car note and rent on the line. You need to stop this.

Edited June 28, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Simon Phoenix]

There were times where I went completely NC and actually did put advice into practice, but my problem is I can't seem to stick with it. I backtrack. It's like I relapse. Some of the happier times I've had during this breakup have been from NC. I just don't know how to get myself to make it stick. That's what's difficult. I know I must seem really weak.

 

I feel like your boozing prompts most of your backsliding. Almost every story of you screwing up NC comes while you're drinking.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

It depends, but i think that narcissists and emotionally unavailable men are so self centered, practically thinking their God's gift to man, that they have no idea that they're hurting people or they think they're always in the right. No one can change them but themselves and even if they found someone they genuinely wanted to be with, they're still going to struggle with all the problems that they have. It sounds like this guy is a grown ass man, not an immature young guy who doesnt know wtf he's doing so i would assume he is set in his ways and wont change unless he has some type of life crisis.

 

Well, it gets a little worse. Turns out this girl he's seein is roommates with another girl I know. She always has asked me about my relationship in the past, and I was just talking to her the other day about my breakup. Now I'm worried she will tell this new girl and my ex what I said (that I have been having a hard time with it among other things).

 

It also looks like this girl got married just this past September. Not sure if she's already divorced or what, but he was married shortly too right before we got together. Seems like they are both rebounding. I know I shouldn't care, and I shouldn't have looked. At least I know not to talk to this other girl (the roommate) anymore about it, but it's awkward for me now that my ex will probably be over at her place and I used to come in to see her with him all the time.

 

No, it's not his job to give you closure. It's not his job to save you from yourself. That's your job. Stop trying to involve him in your recovery. That's inappropriate.

 

It's your job to close the door for yourself. His closure was dumping you. Your refusal to accept this reality is on you, not on him.

 

That doesn't mean he's been acting appropriately at all. He's a douchebag. An extreme douchebag. But you keep giving him fuel to continue to be a douchebag by haphazardly chasing "closure". Closure comes from you, comes from within. Hell, the fact that he's treating you like dirt should be that closure, But for whatever reason, you don't want to acknowledge this. You keep doubling down on this closure chase and you keep getting destroyed.

 

Right now you are the gambler that has lost their savings at the casino. Instead of walking away, you feel some bizarre need to double down and put your car note and rent on the line. You need to stop this.

 

How do I save my dignity after all of this is what I'm wondering now? I know I made a fool of myself. Should I just not go out anymore? I don't know what to do.

 

I must have mental issues to keep doing what I'm doing. It's insanity. What is wrong with me?

[Simon Phoenix]

How do I save my dignity after all of this is what I'm wondering now? I know I made a fool of myself. Should I just not go out anymore? I don't know what to do.

 

I must have mental issues to keep doing what I'm doing. It's insanity. What is wrong with me?

 

First of all, stop trying to "save your dignity". You keep digging yourself a deeper hole by foolishly trying to go back in time and rewrite history. Just accept the loss on the things that you've already done and concentrate your entire energy on what's ahead. You keep screwing up because you keep looking back. When you dig up the past, all you get is dirty. Stop letting old setbacks continue to beat you.

 

And yes, if I were you I'd stop going out and I'd definitely curtail the drinking. It's been proven over and over again that you aren't in the state to a) handle seeing your ex out because you have this incessant need to poke and prod at things or b) handle your emotions and impulses when drinking.

 

Hang out at a friend's house, hang with family, sober up for a while. Give yourself an actual chance instead of being "insane". You keep trying to clumsily go into a gunfight with a plastic butter knife. Stop.

[Satu]

Well, it gets a little worse. Turns out this girl he's seein is roommates with another girl I know. She always has asked me about my relationship in the past, and I was just talking to her the other day about my breakup. Now I'm worried she will tell this new girl and my ex what I said (that I have been having a hard time with it among other things).

 

It also looks like this girl got married just this past September. Not sure if she's already divorced or what, but he was married shortly too right before we got together. Seems like they are both rebounding. I know I shouldn't care, and I shouldn't have looked. At least I know not to talk to this other girl (the roommate) anymore about it, but it's awkward for me now that my ex will probably be over at her place and I used to come in to see her with him all the time.

 

 

 

How do I save my dignity after all of this is what I'm wondering now? I know I made a fool of myself. Should I just not go out anymore? I don't know what to do.

 

I must have mental issues to keep doing what I'm doing. It's insanity. What is wrong with me?

 

It doesn't matter what they think about you.

 

It matters what you think about you.

 

Don't make a fool of yourself to yourself.

 

Let them think whatever the hell they like.

[BC1980]

I think what I want more than anything is for him to admit where he was wrong. He still has never done this. Even last night he swore up and down all of our issues were me, or in my head. He has convinced me that I am indeed crazy. I don't think he will ever give me the apology I want and need.

 

I just want him to genuinely be sorry, but he never seems to see his part in anything. He always turns it around on me. As someone who has always been strong with empathy, I take this especially hard and can't seem to accept that he does this.

 

You have to realize that he will never admit he was wrong or offer a heartfelt apology. My ex never offered much of an apology, and it's really mind boggling that he justified everything that he did. I struggled with that for a long time. I kept thinking that surely, he couldn't think all that he did was okay. It was very hard for me to accept, but it's just the reality. There are a lot of people out there who will never admit to being wrong, and a lot of people will completely twist and rewrite what happened. I think we are all a little guilty of that from time to time because it's self-preservation of our egos in some sense. But some seem to take it to an extreme like your ex. Gaslighting and antagonizing you.

 

I think the only way to get over that need for an apology is to become indifferent. Once you become indifferent, you don't care anymore. So no apology is necessary. I think you also have to realize that an apology, while a nice gesture, will never negate what happened. It will never take away the pain and grief that you have to endure. Because at the end of the day, you still have to deal with the pain and go through all of the emotions to get to the other side. The damage has already been done, and the choices have already been made. So I don't put too much stock in apologies. I think they are usually for the one doing the apologizing, to relieve guilt.

 

But I promise that all you need is to know, for yourself, that you know the truth. And that's enough. When you can get to that point, you won't need an apology from him to validate what you know happened.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

When he and I got together, he spoke so negatively of his ex wife. I now think he probably twisted the details and cause of their breakup to make himself seem so favorable.

 

This is the problem: I KNOW he is most likely saying the same sort of things about me. For all I know, he could be telling people I cheated like he did with her.

 

It frustrates me to no end. I HATE that my name and reputation are being ruined. Why do you think his friends are so hateful to me? If he had nothing negative to say about me, they wouldn't be that way to me. But he broke up with me! If he is out there saying things that are unfavorable about me, what's the point when he dumped me? It's like he's always the victim.

 

I can't traipse over people's feelings. It's not in my character, so I cannot relate to people who do it. I feel like he insults everything we had together, and especially last night. I do NOT like to be called crazy. I have depression, anxiety and am possibly bipolar. I take it as an insult. I take it very personal. He knows all of my weaknesses, and exploits them to bring me down. I told him from the very beginning about my emotional issues, and he said he understood and would stand by me through it. He now uses those issues against me, and me acting irrationally just makes it seem like I am a monster.

 

He has never ever admitted fault. Will he ever feel remorse? I just don't know.

 

P.S. Simon- I love your analogies. Make me realize how stupid I act. They are effective.

[Simon Phoenix]

When he and I got together, he spoke so negatively of his ex wife. I now think he probably twisted the details and cause of their breakup to make himself seem so favorable.

 

This is the problem: I KNOW he is most likely saying the same sort of things about me. For all I know, he could be telling people I cheated like he did with her.

 

It frustrates me to no end. I HATE that my name and reputation are being ruined. Why do you think his friends are so hateful to me? If he had nothing negative to say about me, they wouldn't be that way to me. But he broke up with me! If he is out there saying things that are unfavorable about me, what's the point when he dumped me? It's like he's always the victim.

 

I can't traipse over people's feelings. It's not in my character, so I cannot relate to people who do it. I feel like he insults everything we had together, and especially last night. I do NOT like to be called crazy. I have depression, anxiety and am possibly bipolar. I take it as an insult. I take it very personal. He knows all of my weaknesses, and exploits them to bring me down. I told him from the very beginning about my emotional issues, and he said he understood and would stand by me through it. He now uses those issues against me, and me acting irrationally just makes it seem like I am a monster.

 

He has never ever admitted fault. Will he ever feel remorse? I just don't know.

 

P.S. Simon- I love your analogies. Make me realize how stupid I act. They are effective.

 

You really need to stop trying to analyze him. You have to concentrate 100 percent on you. This is just going to go round-and-round like a merry-go-round until you make this step. He is not important. His friends are not important. You are important. You need to stop getting distracted by the white noise.

[changeofseasons]

When he and I got together, he spoke so negatively of his ex wife. I now think he probably twisted the details and cause of their breakup to make himself seem so favorable.

 

This is the problem: I KNOW he is most likely saying the same sort of things about me. For all I know, he could be telling people I cheated like he did with her.

 

It frustrates me to no end. I HATE that my name and reputation are being ruined. Why do you think his friends are so hateful to me? If he had nothing negative to say about me, they wouldn't be that way to me. But he broke up with me! If he is out there saying things that are unfavorable about me, what's the point when he dumped me? It's like he's always the victim.

 

I can't traipse over people's feelings. It's not in my character, so I cannot relate to people who do it. I feel like he insults everything we had together, and especially last night. I do NOT like to be called crazy. I have depression, anxiety and am possibly bipolar. I take it as an insult. I take it very personal. He knows all of my weaknesses, and exploits them to bring me down. I told him from the very beginning about my emotional issues, and he said he understood and would stand by me through it. He now uses those issues against me, and me acting irrationally just makes it seem like I am a monster.

 

He has never ever admitted fault. Will he ever feel remorse? I just don't know.

 

P.S. Simon- I love your analogies. Make me realize how stupid I act. They are effective.

 

I agree with this post above me.

 

You give your heart to trash, your heart will end up in the garbage. Don't give them the power over you, thats the one thing you can control and its pretty important that you control what you can.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You really need to stop trying to analyze him. You have to concentrate 100 percent on you. This is just going to go round-and-round like a merry-go-round until you make this step. He is not important. His friends are not important. You are important. You need to stop getting distracted by the white noise.

 

I am terrified because I'm beginning to think I will be like some of the poor souls I see here that are all "it's been over a year since we broke up, and I'm still in agony." I am beginning to think I will never get over this. For every two steps forward I make, I go five steps back. He also told me last night I should be over us by now, because tomorrow it'll be two months since the breakup. Is it not normal to still be hurting two months after a breakup? In his eyes, it's been an eternity. Another thing he makes me feel guilty for.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am terrified because I'm beginning to think I will be like some of the poor souls I see here that are all "it's been over a year since we broke up, and I'm still in agony." I am beginning to think I will never get over this. For every two steps forward I make, I go five steps back. He also told me last night I should be over us by now, because tomorrow it'll be two months since the breakup. Is it not normal to still be hurting two months after a breakup? In his eyes, it's been an eternity. Another thing he makes me feel guilty for.

 

Of course he's over it quicker -- he cut the cord. He was getting over it before he broke up with you. And the reason you keep taking steps back is because you refuse to concentrate on yourself. Maybe it's out of fear, but you are looking to latch on to everything that doesn't have to do with you instead of just concentrating on you. I think this is intentional.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Of course he's over it quicker -- he cut the cord. He was getting over it before he broke up with you. And the reason you keep taking steps back is because you refuse to concentrate on yourself. Maybe it's out of fear, but you are looking to latch on to everything that doesn't have to do with you instead of just concentrating on you. I think this is intentional.

 

Intentional? How so?

[Simon Phoenix]

Intentional? How so?

 

I don't know, I think you go out of your way to try to get other people to fix things for you, even people like your ex who are completely toxic. I think you do this because you are afraid to actually tackle this stuff on your own. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but your stubborn quest from closure from others I think is due in part to you being afraid of dealing with these things on your own.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I don't know, I think you go out of your way to try to get other people to fix things for you, even people like your ex who are completely toxic. I think you do this because you are afraid to actually tackle this stuff on your own. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but your stubborn quest from closure from others I think is due in part to you being afraid of dealing with these things on your own.

 

You're probably right. I admit I've lived a pretty sheltered, only child life. I am lacking in the coping department. I am 28 and have only had two relationships. I was not this upset over my first boyfriend. Not sure why this breakup has affected me so much. I do appreciate you taking the time to help me out. It's weird, at times I feel as if the people here understand the struggle more than friends and family.

[darkbloom]

You need to stop going over and over the relationship in your head. You will never understand exactly what went wrong and what you could have done differently. When you start to feel those obsessive thoughts come on, you need to stop them and focus your energies on something else. Whether that be meditating, focusing on a happy memory unrelated to your ex or anything that will stop the cycle.

 

I would also advise you to stop reliving the relationship and resulting drama with friends and family. They are probably sick of it and you are wallowing instead of healing. Make a concentrated effort to listen to a friends problem and give her advice. And do NOT relate anything she tells you back to your situation with your ex. Giving help will make you feel better.

 

You need to act indifferent to him until that's how you feel. That is the best way to reclaim your dignity.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You need to stop going over and over the relationship in your head. You will never understand exactly what went wrong and what you could have done differently. When you start to feel those obsessive thoughts come on, you need to stop them and focus your energies on something else. Whether that be meditating, focusing on a happy memory unrelated to your ex or anything that will stop the cycle.

 

I would also advise you to stop reliving the relationship and resulting drama with friends and family. They are probably sick of it and you are wallowing instead of healing. Make a concentrated effort to listen to a friends problem and give her advice. And do NOT relate anything she tells you back to your situation with your ex. Giving help will make you feel better.

 

You need to act indifferent to him until that's how you feel. That is the best way to reclaim your dignity.

 

Thank you. I've actually been working out quite a bit. It has helped a little with my self esteem, and I've lost some weight. It helps when I focus on myself and taking care of my health and wellbeing. I usually don't have to deal with or see him until the weekends. I'm staying in tonight, and no drinking.

 

My friends and family have been more supportive than I deserve.

 

One of his friends just sent me a friend request on Facebook. Not sure why, and what to think of it.

[darkbloom]

Thank you. I've actually been working out quite a bit. It has helped a little with my self esteem, and I've lost some weight. It helps when I focus on myself and taking care of my health and wellbeing. I usually don't have to deal with or see him until the weekends. I'm staying in tonight, and no drinking.

 

My friends and family have been more supportive than I deserve.

 

One of his friends just sent me a friend request on Facebook. Not sure why, and what to think of it.

 

Ignore them all and decline. They are not your friends. Doesn't matter what it means. You are the only one that matters so you should start treating yourself as such.