Do men genuninely value being "no drama"?

[Emilia]

Define "drama".

 

If drama is: getting easily upset and offended, picking fights, frequent crying or yelling, hot and cold, cheating, etc......I don't think anyone likes that. Some people get hooked on the highs and tolerate the lows.

 

If drama is: turns every head in the room, speaks her mind, challenges the blowhard in the room, says things that sometimes shock people, challenges even your opinions with spirited debate, goes home and has laughs with you about the look on everyone's face when she dared to say such and such to so and so, and then has a great romp in bed with you.....yeah, I think a lot of men like her very much.

 

Yeah, that would be the ideal world! Most of us have to create something in between

[Halcyon]

One of my ex girlfriends was addicted to drama and decided one day something was horribly wrong with our relationship because we never fought.

 

She had just become accustomed to dating dead beats who would start fights over the most inane crap. Whilst I refused to engage in such petty fighting and when we did rarely have a disagreement I refused to let it turn into a screaming match and would talk things through quietly and calmly. She ended up cheating on me with an long term unemployed deadbeat who was one of the most arrogant, uncaring people I've ever met. He was so exciting though! because they would always argue and fight over stupid ****. Only after he became abusive she decided maybe she had an ok thing with me...

[Haydn]

All my (Lady) friends tend to use the expression `Drama Queen` to describe each other in certain situations.

 

I tend to use it when describing Elton John or a couple of my more `Pinker mates`

[tuxedo cat]

In response to something writergal said...

 

This is going to make me sound really backwards, but my whole life up until now I never felt that my gender mattered at all. Growing up in a male dominated household and identifying with the guys, in some ways I thought of myself as genderless. I wanted to be accepted as one of them. I never was fully accepted in the same way that my brother was, but I always thought that was because I wasn't good enough. Puberty was mortifying for me, and I associated women with weakness. My father, who had a habit of mocking any woman who cried sexism, passed down a lot of misogynistic ideas to me that I internalized.

 

But it was a confusing environment because I was also given mixed messages like women could accomplish anything. I grew up in a pretty liberal community, where women were academically just as competitive as men. Sexism seemed like a foreign, outdated concept to me. It brought to mind a cartoonish 50s office scene like Mad Men with men chewing on cigars and secretaries wearing tight sweaters over conical bras. In the present, I thought it only existed in other countries or bad neighborhoods.

 

It wasn't until I started up my career that I realized how pervasive sexism still is in every aspect of society, including educated spheres and how it had shaped my past in ways I never knew. My gender wasn't something I could any longer escape or deny. The sad irony was it took men pointing it out to me to actually become aware of its existence.

 

Examples from my own recent life that apply to many other women:

 

1) Never landed an interview at a company that hires primarily men. Have landed many interviews in mixed or female-only offices.

 

2) Told by a man I'm not capable of a certain position and another (male) candidate would do a better job because I'm too "nice." Told by said guy I would do better in a more female-dominated field.

 

3) Told by countless men that I should wear skirts or smile more often.

 

4) Instantly dismissed as "dramatic"/"crazy" if I ever speak up to a man.

 

5) Had my credibility questioned *whenever* I'm in a he-said/she-said situation being umpired by a guy. The difference is kind of astounding when another woman is umpire instead.

 

6) Constantly being asked by guys why, at the age of 31, I'm not married and don't have kids, and then reminded that I'm a rapidly depreciating asset.

 

The list goes on.

Edited June 26, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[I_Squared_R]

What is it with men labeling the scope of emotions women express as 'drama?' So misogynistic. Makes me want to hurl.

 

When a man claims he doesn't want a woman who's into drama, essentially what he's saying is that he wants a Stepford wife who won't question his authority.

 

Drama?

 

Come on! I hate that label. It's psychological abuse and man-speak for "I don't want a woman who expresses other emotions aside from 'I'm happy' and is just absolute a crap excuse for not respecting women.

 

'No drama' women is a misnomer. If a woman gets upset about anything, she's labeled histrionic or a drama queen by a man because he doesn't respect her to begin with. Those same men who use the 'drama queen' label for women also refer to women as 'chicks' which is a pejorative term.

 

Whoa you need to lay off that feminism crack pipe. Every word that utters out of a man's mouth isn't misogynistic. You are judging people based on YOUR interpretations of the English language. Therefore - YOU are misogynistic. Think critically about that for a minute.

 

Drama happens from both sides, but unfortunately it is women that typically create drama such as who said what, and who did what. I think it is that interpretation that people on both sides are commenting about. Sure there are phrases like "drama queen", but in no way does that phrase imply that someone doesn't respect the entirety of females. You ever hear of "Wash ladies" in Italy? It means the women that would go meet with other women in the village to wash their clothes - and they would talk about everyone in the village. Over in Italy they would call you a wash lady if you talked about everyone. Here they would call you a drama queen. If it makes you feel better, you should coin your own phrase like "Drama man". Then I can complain that your a man hater.

Edited June 26, 2015 by I_Squared_R

[TheBathWater]

Are men more likely to commit to "no drama" women and is it something they look for?

 

It probably depends on the man. Some guys will say no, but their dating history shows otherwise.

 

I consider myself an attractive, intelligent, confident, and successful man, and I stop pursuing women if it becomes obvious they are dramatic or histrionic types. And when I say stop pursuing, I mean both for commitment and non-commitment relationships. Frankly, I have no time or interest for it.

[ascendotum]

Two days ago I had a date with a man. He told me all about how he thinks his last gf was bi-polar and even tried to stab him. He sticked with her for months. His words were she was crazy but he could not get enough of her.

 

Than last week I got contacted by a man I went on a couple of dates with last summer. Right after dumping me (Miss my life is perfect) he dated a woman that went straight to detox and he waited for her!! then dated her for a few months, paid her bills, got his car pounded because of her etc.

 

Conclusion: I need a dysfunction, I am open to suggestions. I am convinced once I get myself a collection of issues and problems men will stick around.

 

G, the scenarios I have seen like you describe, invariably the woman is hot or a total slut in bed. One of the examples you give above is of a bi-polar woman and they are somewhat notorious for craving sex to balance their emotions. Guys will put up with crap or a bitch where she is hotter than they would normally get or she's a keeper because of her wild side, they have limited options and are a bit desperate. I know you are supposed to be a bit of a looker, so IDK. Maybe if you wore your 'fits like a glove' dress to one of your dates, he would not have bothered going out with detox lady. Maybe detox lady is a dozen yrs younger, skinny because of the drugs and life was in crisis, so he made the most of that opportunity. Relationships with many of these crazy drama women don't have to go long term, and obviously it wasn't the case with the detox lady.

 

I guess because I don't have a high tolerance for stress these days and growing up with a moody, passive aggressive mother I love a drama free woman. Can't stand moodiness, passive aggressive or arguments over small BS issues where she is jumping to conclusions. I also admit I kind of like a fiery woman too. As other have said there needs to be a balance, and the drama occurring for good reason and not just because she equates it with excitement in a relationship.

[Woggle]

Some guys will let a woman get away with anything as long as a woman is hot and she is considered high value. They would date Jeffrey Dahmer if he were an attractive woman and when you try to talk sense into it goes in one ear and out the other.

[elaine567]

Guys will put up with crap or a bitch where she is hotter than they would normally get or she's a keeper because of her wild side, they have limited options and are a bit desperate.

 

I would guess some women put up with "drama" in men for the same reasons too.

 

1. He is hot.
   
2. He is exciting.
   
3. She is desperate.
   

[ascendotum]

I would guess some women put up with "drama" in men for the same reasons too.

 

1. He is hot.
   
2. He is exciting.
   
3. She is desperate.
   

 

Absolutely. I've seen it so many times with women putting up with crappy behaviour or ignoring red flags, being strung along as just fwb/fbs even thought they want more, because the guy is hot or psychologically/physically dominant and that hooks them. Many of those relationships don't go the distance, with sometimes the women having had enough of the BS and sometimes the guy cheats or moves on to fresh prospects. I guess with women there is sometimes a compromise for status/money and also sometimes because she is going through a period of low confidence/vulnerability. If a guy is down in confidence or insecure phase its different as it wont attract him hot women nor will women generally want to take advantage of that and get themselves a sweet compliant bf.

[CrystalCastles]

What is it with men labeling the scope of emotions women express as 'drama?' So misogynistic. Makes me want to hurl.

 

When a man claims he doesn't want a woman who's into drama, essentially what he's saying is that he wants a Stepford wife who won't question his authority.

 

Drama?

 

Come on! I hate that label. It's psychological abuse and man-speak for "I don't want a woman who expresses other emotions aside from 'I'm happy' and is just absolute a crap excuse for not respecting women.

 

'No drama' women is a misnomer. If a woman gets upset about anything, she's labeled histrionic or a drama queen by a man because he doesn't respect her to begin with. Those same men who use the 'drama queen' label for women also refer to women as 'chicks' which is a pejorative term.

 

The funny thing is, the one guy I heard that from turned out to be the center of drama.

 

Last year, this guy I knew pursued me. He asked about me to my friends, he wrote me long messages on facebook daily that were very flirtatious, he'd touch my shoulder or sit next to me and stare all the time. The messages he wrote were quite inappropriate because he wasn't single (I didn't know about this at the time). Turns out, he was hiding his girlfriend (whose existence I didn't know about). He told me randomly one time that he hated girls who caused drama. Yet this little scenario he created wasn't drama? ORLY?

 

More guys are into drama than they care to admit. They just say they don't like girls who create drama because they don't want to deal with any fallouts (ie in my case, he was probably hoping I wouldn't say anything to his gf when I finally met her because that would be unnecessary "drama").

[I_Give_Up67]

I am just wondering because I think that in general men prefer "no drama" women.

 

In reality though, I wonder how true that is. Men are very driven by their passions and physical attractions, even more so than women. If they are very physically attracted to a woman, drama doesn't even seem to matter. They always prefer the high attraction woman.

 

Are men more likely to commit to "no drama" women and is it something they look for?

 

 

YES^^^ see bolded^^^

[BluEyeL]

I don't know, while dating, I did meet one or two men who were into drama themselves and what I did, I left skid marks in the parking lot, that's how fast I disappeared.

 

I think an emotionally stable man, the type I like, prefers women who are not highly emotional and who think a little before reacting, and if a man likes drama he's not a match for me personally. So I do not really care what "men prefer", rather who's compatible with me and who's not. My ex-H was more into drama than any woman. It's so exhausting to live with someone like that.

 

I think on average, women may be a bit more emotional. Heck, even me, I have to control my crazy sometimes and every time I did that I was happy afterwards because it usually turns out that I would have made a big deal out of a misunderstanding.

[MissBee]

I am just wondering because I think that in general men prefer "no drama" women.

 

In reality though, I wonder how true that is. Men are very driven by their passions and physical attractions, even more so than women. If they are very physically attracted to a woman, drama doesn't even seem to matter. They always prefer the high attraction woman.

 

Are men more likely to commit to "no drama" women and is it something they look for?

 

 

There is no one answer to this.

 

What's drama isn't even well-defined, as what one person considers drama is everyday life for another.

 

But in short: depends on the man. It's less about men as a group and more about that man and his own issues. I hate when people tie drama to women as if this is distinctly a woman trait when it isn't. Both men and women are capable of having drama and often it's tied to their personality, their own issues, mental health, family of origin etc.

 

There are some men who are solely attracted to women they can rescue who gain something from the drama. They might say they don't or even really believe it but their track record will show that they consistently choose women like this. Lots of men do this. My friend for example, successful guy, good looking, just graduated med school, he always dates women who are volatile. If you look at his family though, ALL the women are that way too. His mom and step-dad for example constantly fight, like all out brawls, and for him this is normal. He isn't happy or in love unless he is with a woman who is slightly insane. I noticed it since college. He would always grow bored quickly of women with no drama whereas he was madly in love with and chasing women with whom he was always fighting.

 

Then there is my roommate, who always somehow has men hankering after her, even though she is the definition of drama and emotional instability. She is manic depressive, she is an alcoholic, bulimic, has had to be an in-patient in mental health treatment, she's very volatile. Yet, her last boyfriend of four years was a quiet guy who was a corporate attorney. He was good looking, quiet, caring, financially stable and she was always going from one episode or irresponsible behavior to the next. His last gf before her was also like that and was cheating on him. My roommate also cheated on him , it's been several months and he still calls wanting her back. She is currently seeing some other guy who is a doctor, who is reasonably going looking as well and very nice and mild-mannered while she is on 100 with her issues. He is crazy about her, has proposed to her even they have only been seeing each other for some months and half of it she's been seeing other guys and tells this guy so and tells him she's using him. Yet, he is there and in love.

 

It amazes me sometimes but then it makes sense. We all date people who are a match for our own issues and these guys are all similar in how they are and in their need to take care of, enable and rescue women like her or like my guy friend this is what he grew up with as the example so it has become his toxic normal. All these guys aren't outward losers either, they are successful career wise, decent looking, it's not like they have no other choice, yet their choice is drama. So it's not about if a monolith called men like drama, it's that depends on the guy and what prior issues and such he brings to the table he will either run from it or be attracted to it or maybe tolerate it a little before running. Not having drama won't make a man commit to you as committing is much more than just about that and it's at the end of the day if that person feels you are "it" for them and for some men they feel that "it"feeling with drama filled women.

Edited June 27, 2015 by MissBee

[I_Squared_R]

So after reading this thread. This is what it comes down to: If you have money or are good looking. You can lead as much of a dramatic, volatile life as humanly possible and its OK. It just reconfirms my beliefs.

[katiegrl]

So after reading this thread. This is what it comes down to: If you have money or are good looking. You can lead as much of a dramatic, volatile life as humanly possible and its OK. It just reconfirms my beliefs.

 

No actually what it comes to...is everyone is different and therefore attracted to different qualities in the opposite sex...

[toscaroscura]

So after reading this thread. This is what it comes down to: If you have money or are good looking. You can lead as much of a dramatic, volatile life as humanly possible and its OK. It just reconfirms my beliefs.

 

That's not always the case. Some of the biggest drama-llamas I know aren't rich and they aren't particularly attractive! Low-class, trashy people, etc.

[Phoe]

I'm pretty non-drama, but I don't think men have ever cared one way or the other about that quality *shrug*

 

I don't think it's something that's often on someones radar.

[I_Squared_R]

That's not always the case. Some of the biggest drama-llamas I know aren't rich and they aren't particularly attractive! Low-class, trashy people, etc.

 

Then they aren't getting into any relationships because they dont have anything to offer.

[toscaroscura]

Then they aren't getting into any relationships because they dont have anything to offer.

 

Oh no, they are all in relationships! It's so bizarre, really, but there's no accounting for taste!

[Phoe]

Oh no, they are all in relationships! It's so bizarre, really, but there's no accounting for taste!

 

Indeed, all the drama-llamas I know seem to have a revolving door of men. And not a single one seems to stop and say "Hey, maybe this is a bad idea!"

 

[CrystalCastles]

Indeed, all the drama-llamas I know seem to have a revolving door of men. And not a single one seems to stop and say "Hey, maybe this is a bad idea!"

 

 

Probably because those men are drama-llamas themselves.

 

Like attracts like. :laugh:

[jay1983]

Drama's when you're bored with nothing going on, not when you've gotta meeting and just before you get a phone call and she chews you out cause she found a hair longer than her's in the bathroom.

[Phoe]

That's because those drama queens are probably bat-sh*t crazy. Crazy women are the best in bed.

 

They say the crazy ones are best in bed.

 

But they also say the quiet ones are secretly freaks in bed!

 

So are the quiet ones just better at hiding the crazy?

[lino]

Do humans need oxygen to live?