girlfriends break during exams: Led me to false hope.

[Itspointless]

What do you mean? has he been through this?

He has been married with a borderliner and really knows a lot about disorders like these. He has helped a lot of people who have been visiting these forums.

[Gingerlocks]

Okay, I will try and PM him. Does he come here often?

[Itspointless]

Okay, I will try and PM him. Does he come here often?

I think he has an alert set up for people mentioning his name (as they know his expertise). I wouldn't surprise me if he reacts tonight or tomorrow in this thread.

[Gingerlocks]

That would be nice. Im on day 4 of NC. Feeling alright.

[Gingerlocks]

Just woke up after having dreamt about her.. Made me sad for some time. It's day 5 of no contact. She keeps on telling me that she wants me to wait for her. Im not replying for any of it, I'm just deleting the texts straight away...

[Itspointless]

Just woke up after having dreamt about her.. Made me sad for some time. It's day 5 of no contact. She keeps on telling me that she wants me to wait for her. Im not replying for any of it, I'm just deleting the texts straight away...

As a therapist once said to me: 'nobody has the right to ask another to put his life for her on halt without any clear and reasonable information.'

[Gingerlocks]

she just texted me last night;

I really want you to wait for me.

 

Wtf? She already broke up? Im so confused...

[Itspointless]

she just texted me last night;

I really want you to wait for me.

 

Wtf? She already broke up? Im so confused...

You better block her.

[Gingerlocks]

Why's that?

[Itspointless]

Why's that?

Her messages keep you in limbo.

[Gingerlocks]

Well... If it's some bi-polar/borderline, do you think she means it? Or is she confused?

[Itspointless]

Well... If it's some bi-polar/borderline, do you think she means it? Or is she confused?

We do not know if she is confused. I know reading this website for some time now her behaviour usually means trouble. Given what her mother told you about possible borderline, it means the least that you can expect this kind of behaviour again and again and again and again.

 

It does not sound as she respects you much at this moment. Therefore you better can take distance. If she really wants you back she has to put in some effort too.

[lauri]

She texted you and said I want you to wait for me? Wow...

 

Tell me you aren't considering waiting. How does that make any sense? Don't you think if you wanted someone you wouldn't break up with them? She sounds like she has zero respect for you and thinks you're some weak guy who will follow her around like a lost puppy.

 

So, pretty much, this is what is happening. She wants you to wait while she tries out other guys. By you waiting, it means you don't hate her and that you clear her conscience. This, my friend, is aiding her to be with other people. Do you want to sit around and help her do this?

 

When / if she finds her new mate, she will tell you she found someone else but wants to be "friends". If they don't work out, she may come back to you for some comfort and use you emotionally. If she doesn't, then she will keep you around until she finally does. She's going to waste your time. Either way, it doesnt even matter.

 

You shouldn't even entertain this idea she is putting forward. She doesn't call the shots man...you do. I'd tell her to not contact you again and that you're moving on. Don't be a doormat and start to respect yourself...if you don't, don't expect her to respect you.

[Gingerlocks]

im not really planning on waiting for her. I mean, I know what she did is so wrong? I just can't seem to get my head around it?

[Downtown]

Well... If it's some bi-polar/borderline, do you think she means it? Or is she confused?

Gingerlocks, I agree with the advice given above by ItsPointless, who has encouraged you to protect yourself by breaking off contact with your exGF. As to whether her mother is correct about her being "borderline," I note that BPD is considered to be a "spectrum disorder." This means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help protect yourself by being able to spot the danger signs.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most of them to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join ItsPointless in discussing them with you. Take care, Gingerlocks.

[Gingerlocks]

Gingerlocks, I agree with the advice given above by ItsPointless, who has encouraged you to protect yourself by breaking off contact with your exGF. As to whether her mother is correct about her being "borderline," I note that BPD is considered to be a "spectrum disorder." This means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help protect yourself by being able to spot the danger signs.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most of them to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join ItsPointless in discussing them with you. Take care, Gingerlocks.

 

Hey Downtown, thanks for replying. I've read the topics you linked me, and some of the points are really spot on. Honestly... It's all just crazy. It's all the pull in/pull out, wait for me,want/don't want, confusion and so on which is doing my head in. I've blocked her all over, the only way she can contact me is through text or ringing. And when she does, I don't reply. I mean, after the breakup she even wants me to wait?

[Downtown]

I've blocked her all over, the only way she can contact me is through text or ringing. And when she does, I don't reply.

Smart man! As ItsPointless and other respondents have said, it is wise not to allow yourself to be sucked back into that toxic, on-again-off-again relationship.

[Gingerlocks]

Its just tough. Its my first relationship, i think that is why its so hard... Brand new feeling... Any recommendations?

[Downtown]

Its just tough. Its my first relationship, i think that is why its so hard... Brand new feeling... Any recommendations?

Gingerlocks, it would be helpful to know which of the 18 warning signs were very strong and which did not seem to apply. I am asking because you discussion so far has described only a few of those signs. There is no mention, for example, of a strong abandonment fear or irrational jealousy.

[Gingerlocks]

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

Everytime I asked if we could spend one day instead of two during weekends, because my friends had invited me to a party, football match or something, she would go mental. Telling me that she wouldn't do that, that what im doing is wrong, and so on... In the end I just said no to my friends, because I couldn't be asked to argue.

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

7. Low self esteem;

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

All of these matches her perfectly.

[irishguy]

You should still block her number , its not helping you by receiving her texts or calls, im sure she could call to your place if she really wanted to see you .

[Gingerlocks]

yeah... im planning on changing my number next week. Been in no contact for 8 days now.

[Downtown]

Gingerlocks, for a person to exhibit a strong pattern of BPD warning signs, they only have to exhibit "most," not all of these signs. My experience, however, is that not all traits are equal in importance. Some are nearly always seen when a person has most of the others. I therefore will highlight four important red flags you do not mention:

 

1. Black-white thinking. Are you sure you're not seeing a lot of B-W thinking, especially when she gets upset? I ask because this behavioral trait is strongly associated with both BPD and narcissism. Indeed, I've never met a BPDer who did not exhibit it strongly quite often. The reason is that a BPDer has such a weak fractured sense of self that she cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other grey areas common to close interpersonal relationships. The result is that she will "split off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of her conscious mind so she only has to deal with one strong feeling (e.g., loving or devaluing you) at a time.

 

5. Flipping quickly between adoration and devaluation. This red flag is a manifestation of the B-W thinking. It is particularly evident in BPDers when the partner says or does some minor thing that triggers the BPDer's fear. The typical result is that, within a minute (or even 10 seconds), the BPDer will start criticizing and angrily devaluing her partner. Importantly, this behavior is evidence of emotional instability, the KEY feature of BPD traits.

 

It is such an important feature that a large portion of the American psychiatric community has been lobbying (unsuccessfully) for two decades to change the disorder's name from "BPD" to "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder." Indeed, the European diagnostic manual (ICD-10) already uses that alternate terminology. Hence, if you're not seeing strong occurrences of emotional instability -- e.g., B-W thinking and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- you are NOT seeing a strong pattern of BPD warning signs.

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger. One fundamental characteristic of strong BPD traits is enormous anger and hurt that are carried deep inside from early childhood. Hence, you don't have to do or say a thing to create the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that (by triggering one of the two fears) triggers a release of anger that is always there under the skin.

 

When triggered, the vast majority of BPDers release their anger outwards

toward loved ones -- in the form of verbal abuse and bad arguments over minor infractions. A small share of BPDers, however, turn their anger inwards on themselves. But it still will be evident in the form of passive aggressive behavior and cold withdrawal. I mention this because, if you are not seeing evidence of strong anger that is easily triggered, it is very unlikely you're seeing a strong pattern of BPD warning signs.

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone. Such a fear, if it is strong, would be evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans. This seems consistent with your statement that, whenever you would want to spend a weekend day with your friends, "she would go mental."

 

I observe that it can be difficult to tell whether a BPDer has such a fear. One reason is that it is common for the BPDer to be the one to end a long-term relationship. What happens is that a BPDer's fear of abandonment becomes so strong that she eventually will abandon her partner before he has an opportunity to do that to her. And, because a BPDer hates to be alone, she typically will already have a new partner available when she makes the jump.

 

Another reason this fear can be hard to see is that the BPDer is so often pushing the partner away. The BPDer's push-away behavior, however, is not evidence of a lack of the abandonment fear. Rather, it is evidence that there is a second fear -- that of engulfment from intimacy. Because these two fears lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum, a BPDer will be seen pushing you away as you draw too close to her (thus triggering her engulfment fear) -- and then pulling you back as you move too far away (thus triggering her abandonment fear).

 

Sadly, with BPDers there is no Goldilocks position in the middle (between not-too-close and not-too-far) where you can safely stand. Hence, if you are not seeing strong warning signs for the abandonment and engulfment fears -- e.g., are not seeing a recurring cycle of push-away and pull-back -- you are NOT seeing a strong pattern of BPD red flags.

[Gingerlocks]

^THANKS.

Really good read. It calmed me down. I don't know what is up with her... I try not to think about it to much.

People tell me that the reason she haven't send my stuff back, is because she is wanting to have a go again when she feels better... Ah well.

 

Tomorrow im back at the gym, back at singing lessons. Need to get a grip again. What she did is wrong. End off.

[Gingerlocks]

UPDATE!

 

Yesterday, she texted me. She saw me in town, as she was out with a bunch of friends, but when she started searching for me, I was long gone home.

 

anyways. then the texts came in. Saying that she is missing me like crazy, and she would love for me and her to be a couple again, as she really wants to, and she realizes that she had made a huge mistake. I haven't replied to anything of it yet... I don't know what to do... Im scared she'll just mess me up again? What do I do?