I don't initiate.

[MoreAmore]

I wouldn't mistake pursuit for interest. I have more than one ex who seemed to like the chase more than the actual me.

I tend to be more shy and reserved by nature, so I am pursued a lot. Of course, I enjoy being pursued as it is very much in line with my nature.

 

With my boyfriend now, though, I did make the first move, though he followed up with clear and consistent interest over a long period as I second guessed myself, and asked me out properly, and was very clear in his intentions from that point forward. He is the sort of guy who will not make the first move with a woman. So, I kissed him first to make my attraction clear where flirting did not, but he asked me out on a date first, started making future plans first, asked me to be his girlfriend first, said he was falling in love with me first, etc.

 

I'm not sure either party should drive every step of a relationship. That's probably a bad sign.

 

I've never paid attention to texting or calling early in knowing someone. If I feel like talking to someone, I do. I assume if someone feels like talking to me, that person will contact.

[Phoe]

I agree that initiating as a woman has a good chance to blow up in your face. All my past approaches were rejected, and even something as simple as initiating sex in a relationship, would often get rejected.

 

I suppose there's truth to the idea that if a man is interested, he will pursue. If he isn't pursuing, then you're wasting your time bothering with it...

 

I always held onto the idea that maybe many men are shy and need prodding but... my past experiences show that being the initiator is bad news.

 

Funny enough, it never stopped me. I always reached a point when single where I felt I had no choice but to stop sitting back and waiting, and start being proactive. So I'd get bold and just go for it.

[toscaroscura]

I agree that initiating as a woman has a good chance to blow up in your face. All my past approaches were rejected, and even something as simple as initiating sex in a relationship, would often get rejected.

 

I suppose there's truth to the idea that if a man is interested, he will pursue. If he isn't pursuing, then you're wasting your time bothering with it...

 

I always held onto the idea that maybe many men are shy and need prodding but... my past experiences show that being the initiator is bad news.

 

Funny enough, it never stopped me. I always reached a point when single where I felt I had no choice but to stop sitting back and waiting, and start being proactive. So I'd get bold and just go for it.

 

We are much the same this way! It sort of becomes this vicious cycle, doesn't it?

 

I'm sure I haven't seen the last of initiating. Hope springs eternal and I'll think to myself, "hey, maybe this is actually one of those mythical Shy Dudes who is really secretly crazy about me and wishing I'd make a move and not just some bored horny guy biding time with me while pining over girls who don't give him the time of day!"

[Gloria25]

I agree with the OP...

 

People wanna ignore biology and wanna apply the words "progressive" and "modern" to these times and fact is men are still "men" and women are still "women".

 

Men pursue/hunt...

 

Even "if" you can get his attention by initiating - you didn't give him the opportunity to pursue you. Now, even "if" this wasn't a question of male/female - no one likes to be pressured. If you showed someone interest and end up doing all the work, then yep, they probably "just weren't that into you" and you kept on pushing it and they just went along for the ride. At some point they are gonna diss/dump you cuz they never felt that strongly for you in the first place.

 

Of the men that just wanna sit back and let women do all the work? Pleeze, they are either lazy and/or lack self-confidence and who wants that? Trust me, they'll still end up dumping you cuz they will continue to be lazy in the RL and/or the lack of confidence will continue to rear its ugly head throughout the RL.

 

I do believe women should give "signals" of interest...but flat out asking him out, etc yeah, it backfires and that has happened to me on many of occasions too.

 

That's why on OLD, I'll only go so far. If he's not responding/reciprocating enough, I move on to the next.

[PrettyEmily77]

I have initiated with most of the men I dated or have been in a RL with, and can honestly say it has never blown in my face. IME, men really enjoy being approached and are a lot more easy going and good spirited than women (or at least this woman, as I don't enjoy being approached at all); at least the men I have come across.

 

 

I find it a lot more comfortable doing the hard work myself because at least I know what my intentions are (always genuine, not much of a ONS / short-term stuff kind of girl) so any ambiguity re. potential short-lived stuff is shot down early on.

 

 

I did all the initiating with my BF, to both his relief and his delight - that's what he tells me, anyway .

 

 

Disclaimer: never did OLD and most of the guys I have approached I knew of already or were friends of friends so not complete strangers, although that happened a few times too.

 

 

Whatever you do, do what you're comfortable with and what feels right for you. As long as both parties are happy and willing and no one is getting hurt, any 'technique' is fair game, IMO .

[jen1447]

Controversial topic on LS: I don't initiate with men. I won't ask them out. I won't ask for their numbers or text them first.

 

I will be enthusiastic and show interest if I like him. I will flirt! But the initial contact -chase, if you will- has to come from him.

 

I'm not following any sort of weird "rules" or anything. I'm not trying to be a princess and I don't think I'm entitled to adoration. This all comes from my youth, growing up as a nerdy girl around shy guys.

 

Every time I initiated anything with a guy, it would blow up in my face. They would either play hot and cold with me, enjoying my attentions until they ultimately rejected me, or they might date me for a while until someone they really liked came along. These were shy nerdy types like myself for the most part. They gave me signs of interest, as much as shy types do, so it's not like I was chasing guys out of my league or who definitely weren't into me at all.

 

With my ex-husband, he was extremely shy and stoic. I had to do everything. Ask him out, kiss him, beg him to move in, ask him to get married. Sure, we were young, but still. As a result, I had a man who I suppose loved me and was faithful, but there was never any passion from him. I didn't feel like he wanted me. I just felt like he settled for me, as he was never popular with the girls and I was the first and only that ever liked him. I remember so often, hanging off him, caressing him, while he sat as still as a statue. He'd never initiate sex.

 

So now? I want clear, traditional interest. I feel bad when I hear guys here who yearn for women to chase them, but I just can't do it anymore. To be clear, the first few encounters are what I am talking about. I'm not saying I'm going to sit back doing nothing during our relationship. But those first few dates? Sorry, no more shy guys too shy to make a move for me.

 

Aw, this makes me a little sad tosca. I picture two people sitting on opposite sides of the bar, both wishing the other would say sth and scared to say sth themselves, then eventually the bar closes, they pay their tabs, and they leave separately and go home alone.

 

Take life by the balls girlfriend!

 

btw if I was anywhere near New England you wouldn't have to worry about initiating.

[toscaroscura]

Aw, this makes me a little sad tosca. I picture two people sitting on opposite sides of the bar, both wishing the other would say sth and scared to say sth themselves, then eventually the bar closes, they pay their tabs, and they leave separately and go home alone.

 

Take life by the balls girlfriend!

 

btw if I was anywhere near New England you wouldn't have to worry about initiating.

 

Lol I'm sure I wouldn't! I'd probably turn about 1,000 shades of red. :o

 

Pretty sure that bar scenario has happened in my life. I am generally not interested in guys in bars and clubs. I know it sounds like a double standard, because I'm there too, but eh. The odds of the guy I hit on in a bar being a really awesome compatible person to me are low.

 

However, out in life and at work, I do flirt and strike up conversations!

[jen1447]

^ Red looks good on you so that'd only make things worse/better.

 

I get it about flirting but not being the 'mover' btw. I just kinda feel like even if that approach hasn't worked out so well, so what? I'm worried you'll spend a lot of time waiting when the answer's right down there in your girl-balls all along.

 

("Answer" being vague of course, but I think trying sth in general will bring better results than not trying.)

 

One other thing - based on what I know of you here (which is admittedly not the fully 3-D you no doubt), taking a passive approach doesn't seem like your style. That's only significant in that I think we should generally be true to our natures.

[toolforgrowth]

^ Red looks good on you so that'd only make things worse/better.

 

I get it about flirting but not being the 'mover' btw. I just kinda feel like even if that approach hasn't worked out so well, so what? I'm worried you'll spend a lot of time waiting when the answer's right down there in your girl-balls all along.

 

("Answer" being vague of course, but I think trying sth in general will bring better results than not trying.)

 

One other thing - based on what I know of you here (which is admittedly not the fully 3-D you no doubt), taking a passive approach doesn't seem like your style. That's only significant in that I think we should generally be true to our natures.

 

Every time you type "sth" I always read it as "sith" first. I feel like I should say, "No! Don't try Sith! It's BAD for you...!!"

 

Good advice though. With the exception of the whole Sith thing.

[Maleficent]

I have no problem with making a first move, but I don't chase. I don't allow men to chase me either.

By that I mean my interest (or lack of thereof) is usually cristal clear from the start.

 

I don't do fade aways either. If I've lost interest, I make it known (not straight like this but you know lol)

 

I'm not a fan of the 'men do the chasing' mentality...I'm sure men love getting swept off their feet too!

[toscaroscura]

I have no problem with making a first move, but I don't chase. I don't allow men to chase me either.

By that I mean my interest (or lack of thereof) is usually cristal clear from the start.

 

I don't do fade aways either. If I've lost interest, I make it known (not straight like this but you know lol)

 

I'm not a fan of the 'men do the chasing' mentality...I'm sure men love getting swept off their feet too!

 

I suppose you're right, "chase" is the wrong word. Any sort of grand romantic gestures or super persistent chasing would make me uncomfortable. These types tend not to be able to take "no" for an answer, too.

 

Clear interest. Talking to me, flirting, asking for my number/to go out. Stuff like that!

 

Every time you type "sth" I always read it as "sith" first. I feel like I should say, "No! Don't try Sith! It's BAD for you...!!"

 

Good advice though. With the exception of the whole Sith thing.

 

It's funny, I think the same thing when I see "sth"!

[Keenly]

Every time you type "sth" I always read it as "sith" first. I feel like I should say, "No! Don't try Sith! It's BAD for you...!!"

 

Good advice though. With the exception of the whole Sith thing.

 

The sith are where it's at.

 

Let the hate flow through you! That's why my sig is the siths creed.

[jen1447]

What is a sith, and am I the only one who uses shorthand?

[Keenly]

What is a sith, and am I the only one who uses shorthand?

 

 

If this were a date, this is where the deal breaker would be.

 

 

Haha

[autumnnight]

First, OP, I think you are very very pretty...in a totally platonic way of course...not that there's anything wrong with that

 

With my ex-husband, he was extremely shy and stoic. I had to do everything. Ask him out, kiss him, beg him to move in, ask him to get married. Sure, we were young, but still. As a result, I had a man who I suppose loved me and was faithful, but there was never any passion from him. I didn't feel like he wanted me. I just felt like he settled for me, as he was never popular with the girls and I was the first and only that ever liked him. I remember so often, hanging off him, caressing him, while he sat as still as a statue. He'd never initiate sex.

 

So now? I want clear, traditional interest. I feel bad when I hear guys here who yearn for women to chase them, but I just can't do it anymore. To be clear, the first few encounters are what I am talking about. I'm not saying I'm going to sit back doing nothing during our relationship. But those first few dates? Sorry, no more shy guys too shy to make a move for me.

 

I can completely relate to this. Maybe I am giving the ex too much power...but decades of the above type behavior cuts you off at the knees, and heart, so I definitely get it.

 

I don't know how old you are. Your picture looks like late 20's or maybe 30? I would bet in your demographic and under it is waaaaay harder to not be an initiator than for my demographic. Most of the men in my demographic are part of the "man making the first move" generation, with the exception of the ones who have gotten mad about it and decided to stop.

[toscaroscura]

First, OP, I think you are very very pretty...in a totally platonic way of course...not that there's anything wrong with that

 

 

 

I can completely relate to this. Maybe I am giving the ex too much power...but decades of the above type behavior cuts you off at the knees, and heart, so I definitely get it.

 

I don't know how old you are. Your picture looks like late 20's or maybe 30? I would bet in your demographic and under it is waaaaay harder to not be an initiator than for my demographic. Most of the men in my demographic are part of the "man making the first move" generation, with the exception of the ones who have gotten mad about it and decided to stop.

 

Thank you. And yes, it does cut you. It also fed into all those ancient childhood insecurities of being Not Good Enough. I'm having to do a LOT of work on myself, spiritually and emotionally, to move past it.

 

I'm 36. I am open to dating from 20s up to 50s, depending on the guy. I don't have an age requirement (except no under 21 or anyone close to my Dad's age , he is 61). Truthfully, I haven't really noticed a difference on this front relating to age. Men of all ages seem to display the same behavior when a girl really fires him up!

[toolforgrowth]

The sith are where it's at.

 

Let the hate flow through you! That's why my sig is the siths creed.

 

I really like this nugget from Star Trek: "A true victory is to make your enemies see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place, to force them to acknowledge your greatness." -- Gul Dukat

[toscaroscura]

I really like this nugget from Star Trek: "A true victory is to make your enemies see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place, to force them to acknowledge your greatness." -- Gul Dukat

 

Oh man, I freakin' LOVE me some Dukat!

[toolforgrowth]

Oh man, I freakin' LOVE me some Dukat!

 

Me too! He was such a great villain.

[regine_phalange]

I'm not against women initiating either. Sometimes I initiated conversations with men I didn't know. But I appreciate men's balls enough to know that they go after things they want. It's disturbing to know that the man you pursue and who appears passive would chase some other more attractive woman with admirable persistence.

[jen1447]

I really like this nugget from Star Trek: "A true victory is to make your enemies see they were wrong to oppose you in the first place, to force them to acknowledge your greatness." -- Gul Dukat

Oh man, I freakin' LOVE me some Dukat!

tosca, I'm 36 too, but if we date, one thing I don't want you to bring to the table is any Star Trek discussion.

[toscaroscura]

tosca, I'm 36 too, but if we date, one thing I don't want you to bring to the table is any Star Trek discussion.

 

Don't worry, I only bring out my geekery among like-minded folks (which is perfectly fine with me)!

 

Edit: ooo random thought, I kind of want to start a "What DON'T You 'Bring To the Table'?" thread!

 

[jen1447]

Actually it'd be ok if we wore Lt. Uhura uniforms once in a while.

[toolforgrowth]

Actually it'd be ok if we wore Lt. Uhura uniforms once in a while.

 

I really like how this thread turned out.

[beatcuff]

...but flat out asking him out, etc yeah, it backfires and that has happened to me on many of occasions too.

 

this is a common theme in this thread. well, welcome to the male world. do you think we have not 'misread' interest, approached a woman then get shot down, sometimes in the worst way.

 

women talk constantly about equality, but more often than not they don't want the responsibility (stress) that goes with it.

 

but seriously, what do you really have to lose? a moment of embarrassment from a person you almost certainly will never see again v getting a date with someone YOU had interest in.

 

BTW the more you do it, the easier it gets / faster you recover.