Almost 30 and never dated is it weird

[GravityMan]

It's kind of interesting how we're getting numerous threads about 30-somethings lacking experience in dating or sex. Noticing a trend here that's on the rise.

 

It is quite telling of how grueling the dating process is.

 

I don't think there's any such trend. Inexperienced adults have always tended to gravitate towards forums like LS. But compared to the overall population, they are still a microscopic minority.

 

In the US, Canada, Europe, Mexico, Australia, etc...I'm pretty sure that 98-99% of straight 30-somethings have dated, with 96-97% of them having had at least one relationship. Adults past the age of 25 or so that have never dated are extremely rare in the vast majority of the world. Dating is not grueling for most people. "Dating" and "grueling" are a strange juxtaposition of words anyway...anyone who finds the dating process grueling is doing something wrong...likely trying too hard, or overthinking, or being too invested, or being overly results/outcome focused instead of just enjoying the moment. They need to lighten up.

 

Japan (and perhaps China to a lesser extent) is just an anomaly.

[Qboro90]

I am 31 and in the same category. I have asked someone out precisely 3 times and was rejected each time.

 

 

My issue is I look for someone who "wows" me and quite simply very few do, its a personality I seek over looks, sure she needs to look nice but not model like. Perhaps I could be described as picky but also I gave up a social life for studies and this pretty much wiped out most of my 20's, bitter pill to swallow was I never really achieved what I wanted to in studies so in part the sacrifice was without any sort of reward.

 

 

My advice for the opening poster: Don't give up hope.

 

Do you think that it's possible you look for women that "wow" you because your limiting yourself subconsciously by targeting only "first class" women? I have a friend of mine who does this I've noticed. He's a bit overweight but very social, has a lot of friends and would be able to get girls if he simply took a shot at them now and then. However when I point out that a girl was looking at him or to come with me to talk to a couple girls he'll say "nah she's cute but not really into her". It's clear he's afraid of rejection and by telling all of his guy friends that he's only interested in the best looking women it shuts us up.

 

Odds are that you're not going to get the 8,9,or 10 looks wise girl and you know that (using the 1-10 scale to make it simple)... But that makes it easier not to try. everyone will understand getting rejected by a "10" but if you were to approach a "4" and get denied then that is ego shattering I believe he thinks. Truth is, it's not and no ones gonna care. Im a good looking guy (in my opinion at least), ex college athlete, good career, etc and I've been rejected hundreds of times. You're always gonna get more "no's" than "yes" but that's the point. Ask out 99 girls and have them all turn you down but the 100th might just be the one. Girls aren't going to verbally embarrass you if you ask them on a date. The sun will still rise the following morning and you'll wake up.

[ltjg45]

Do you think that it's possible you look for women that "wow" you because your limiting yourself subconsciously by targeting only "first class" women? I have a friend of mine who does this I've noticed. He's a bit overweight but very social, has a lot of friends and would be able to get girls if he simply took a shot at them now and then. However when I point out that a girl was looking at him or to come with me to talk to a couple girls he'll say "nah she's cute but not really into her". It's clear he's afraid of rejection and by telling all of his guy friends that he's only interested in the best looking women it shuts us up.

 

Odds are that you're not going to get the 8,9,or 10 looks wise girl and you know that (using the 1-10 scale to make it simple)... But that makes it easier not to try. everyone will understand getting rejected by a "10" but if you were to approach a "4" and get denied then that is ego shattering I believe he thinks. Truth is, it's not and no ones gonna care. Im a good looking guy (in my opinion at least), ex college athlete, good career, etc and I've been rejected hundreds of times. You're always gonna get more "no's" than "yes" but that's the point. Ask out 99 girls and have them all turn you down but the 100th might just be the one. Girls aren't going to verbally embarrass you if you ask them on a date. The sun will still rise the following morning and you'll wake up.

 

I disagree completely.

 

It sounds more like your overweight friend knows what attracts him and what doesn't. In this day and age, you need attraction to make a relationship work. Without it, it is either a good friendship at best or a waste of time at the worse. I also think he doesn't bother approaching woman that doesn't get him even closely excited to be around with......and I respect guys that think that way because it is less wasted time for both him and for the uninteresting woman.

 

I am just like him. I don't approach women just for the sake of it. I only approach if I am attracted to her at the least. If I am not, I simply leave her alone and hope she finds a guy that actually wants her.

 

We need more guys like him out there, not the ones that will go after any woman that shows moderate interest. It simply sounds like he is more picky than the average male, that's all. I certainly know I am and I have no regrets for it, even if it makes me a 30-year old virgin one day.

[Qboro90]

I disagree completely.

 

It sounds more like your overweight friend knows what attracts him and what doesn't. In this day and age, you need attraction to make a relationship work. Without it, it is either a good friendship at best or a waste of time at the worse. I also think he doesn't bother approaching woman that doesn't get him even closely excited to be around with......and I respect guys that think that way because it is less wasted time for both him and for the uninteresting woman.

 

I am just like him. I don't approach women just for the sake of it. I only approach if I am attracted to her at the least. If I am not, I simply leave her alone and hope she finds a guy that actually wants her.

 

We need more guys like him out there, not the ones that will go after any woman that shows moderate interest. It simply sounds like he is more picky than the average male, that's all. I certainly know I am and I have no regrets for it, even if it makes me a 30-year old virgin one day.

 

 

 

I understand what you're saying and that mindset. My point wasn't to have my friend start approaching just anyone in order to get a date. I used extreme values (4-10) just to express a vast difference. There's nothing wrong with being picky or knowing what you like. However, I don't understand how my friend could know what he likes or what attracts him if he's never actually been with the girls he points out. I've dated girls that I never thought I'd go out with and found myself staying with some longer than my "typical type" girls. If a girl is good looking but isn't drop dead gorgeous that will prevent him from even considering it. I'm not talking about being out with him and wanting him to go after the sloppiest mess at the bar, but there have been a number of times where really good looking/classify attractive girls have showed signs of interest in him and he won't entertain even talking to them. Why not? What's the downside to going to talk and even if he ends up not being into her but she tells him "yea I thought you were cute", that's an ego boost anyone can appreciate.

[elaine567]

If a girl is good looking but isn't drop dead gorgeous that will prevent him from even considering it.

 

Yes, I guess he is using a form of self sabotage to protect himself.

________________________________________

I see the girl in the blue top looks good

BUT I do not want to be rejected.

She looks interested, but she is probably making fun of me.

I do not want to look like a fool.

Nah, she not quite hot enough, not my type.

OK, nobody here is my type, relax, pressure is off.

 

Later on.

- It's not fair everyone gets dates but me.

________________________________________

 

In dating the principle is to date a lot of frogs, before landing the prince/princess.

In reality some of those who appear to be frogs, can be princes and those we thought were princes are actually frogs.

If you never try you never find out.

[elaine567]

You possibly wont find a great cynic than me but I don't think the above is totally true. There are many guys who lack some of those things yet they have no difficulty finding nice girlfriends.

 

I agree.

This preoccupation with

"As a guy you have to have it all now days . He has to look good, have a career , nice car , a house , social life , tons of friends, and a ton going for him." - doesn't pan out in real life.

 

There is a huge difference between "preferences", and who people actually pair up with.

I do not believe many "settle" either, as once a human connection is made, then they can end up happily paired with people far different from their often unrealistic and unnecessary former "preferences" and expectations.

[ltjg45]

I understand what you're saying and that mindset. My point wasn't to have my friend start approaching just anyone in order to get a date. I used extreme values (4-10) just to express a vast difference. There's nothing wrong with being picky or knowing what you like. However, I don't understand how my friend could know what he likes or what attracts him if he's never actually been with the girls he points out. I've dated girls that I never thought I'd go out with and found myself staying with some longer than my "typical type" girls. If a girl is good looking but isn't drop dead gorgeous that will prevent him from even considering it. I'm not talking about being out with him and wanting him to go after the sloppiest mess at the bar, but there have been a number of times where really good looking/classify attractive girls have showed signs of interest in him and he won't entertain even talking to them. Why not? What's the downside to going to talk and even if he ends up not being into her but she tells him "yea I thought you were cute", that's an ego boost anyone can appreciate.

 

That depends. Does your friend just say that he likes her but doesn't want to approach her or does he gets interest from women and he decides to pass it up because he isn't attracted to her?

 

If it is the former, he is scared of rejection. If it is the latter, then that is fine. He knows what will catch his attention.

 

I am sure I have passed on a few women myself but that is simply because I felt nothing for her. I hasn't felt anything from an American woman IRL in years now. If I do feel anything, it is coming from foreign women.

 

Now, with that said, I have seen women that I would say is attractive and yet doesn't have any desire to approach her. I have felt that quite a few times.

 

For example, sometimes I run across a woman who is attractive in my eyes. I could stare at her for a little bit before going back to what I was doing but when I notice she has a tattoo or she is a smoker, it kills any desire for me to approach her since both is deal breakers for me. However, it still doesn't stop me from admiring her beauty from a distance but that is as far as I will go.

 

Perhaps that is what your friend is thinking. Just because he say that she is attractive and he can see that doesn't always mean that he wants her. When that happens, there is something about her that just kills any romantic desire he may have for her.

[ZA Dater]

Do you think that it's possible you look for women that "wow" you because your limiting yourself subconsciously by targeting only "first class" women? I have a friend of mine who does this I've noticed. He's a bit overweight but very social, has a lot of friends and would be able to get girls if he simply took a shot at them now and then. However when I point out that a girl was looking at him or to come with me to talk to a couple girls he'll say "nah she's cute but not really into her". It's clear he's afraid of rejection and by telling all of his guy friends that he's only interested in the best looking women it shuts us up.

 

Odds are that you're not going to get the 8,9,or 10 looks wise girl and you know that (using the 1-10 scale to make it simple)... But that makes it easier not to try. everyone will understand getting rejected by a "10" but if you were to approach a "4" and get denied then that is ego shattering I believe he thinks. Truth is, it's not and no ones gonna care. Im a good looking guy (in my opinion at least), ex college athlete, good career, etc and I've been rejected hundreds of times. You're always gonna get more "no's" than "yes" but that's the point. Ask out 99 girls and have them all turn you down but the 100th might just be the one. Girls aren't going to verbally embarrass you if you ask them on a date. The sun will still rise the following morning and you'll wake up.

 

Interesting post. Had to think about this for a bit before I could formulate a response.

 

I like ego shattering to confidence shattering and in respect of the latter, yes that describes me to the point where I simply wont try anymore because I know the inevitable outcome be it a 9 or a 1. Defeatist people say, which I would say is true. By my own admission I don't go out anymore, mainly just stay at home and work on various projects, sure I am part a recreation club of mostly older people so I do have people contact but not in mediums where there are opportunities.

 

For me "wow" is defined not by one thing but the overall and that's a tough standard to have. The overall being heavily influenced by intellectual ability and confidence.

 

I'd say your friend is lucky to be in a position of opportunity, for whatever by design or because how I am I don't have opportunity as such, which I suppose in the past just magnified the utter rejection when I did find someone who wowed me to any reasonably extent and well I got rejected.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Oh wow, I've seen him before!! I believe he lost the weight, got slim, and gained it all back again! Amazing how cute he got once he lost all that weight!!

 

 

OK, found his Twitter - he's on his "second weight loss journey." That's awesome!

 

And he got married recently