Totallyfooled Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I have a friend who like you made a mistake early in her marriage, she regrets it every day of her life, she beats herself up about it and finally told me about it one day early last year. I was always of the idealistic opinion that cheating was a no-brainer wrong thing to do, I used to say that if my H ever cheated on me he would be out the door faster than you could say goodbye, but when she told me her news, I advised her not to say anything. Too much time had passed, they had two teenagers, were in a good place marriage wise and they were living somewhere new with no chance of ever coming across the OM. Her husband definitely is quite rigid in his thinking, so if she confessed now after so many years gone by I feel it would be the end of their marriage. Less than 6 months ago I then made the devastating discovery that my H had been having a PA for over 18 months. For all my idealistic notions of kicking him out the door, I surprised myself and was willing to give him another chance, but only if he would be open and honest with me about everything that had happened in the past, present and future. Sad to say he threw that second chance back in my face and wasn't willing to go share the rollercoaster ride that it would have been to so that I could regain his trust after so many months of lies and deceit and get our marriage back to a good place. He had made his mind up that I would never forgive him, and he didn't want to live under a microscope for the rest of his life. Truth was he enjoyed the freedom he had when I had trusted him, and didn't want to be accountable for his actions or questioned when I didn't trust something he told me. I guess what I am saying is, you don't know how your H will react, he probably doesn't really know how he will react until he is faced with the truth. But he has the right to know. And I know I sound like a hypocrite because I advised my friend not to say anything, but I think you should be honest with your H and come clean. If he loves you as much as you say he does, and he recognises that you are genuinely sorry for stuffing up, then it may even be a chance to build a stronger marriage. Had my friend come to me when she had first had her PA I would have told her to come clean. I think knowing her H as he is now, he would have eventually forgiven her and they would have worked through it, then she wouldn't be living under this constant cloud of guilt that she continually beats herself up about her long ago mistake. She struggles everyday with what she's done and finds it hard to be truly happy. I feel it's too late for her to come clean now, but it's not too late for you. And on another note, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you made a mistake and then deal with the consequences of your actions, but at least you have an option to be true to yourself and then know that you were honest in the end. The more time that goes by, the harder it will be to admit to your mistake and the less your H will even consider being forgiving, no matter how loving a spouse you are from now on. I hope you make the right decision for you and your family, because it's not just you, that you need to think about, it's your kids and the man you say that you love. No matter how hard it was for me to find out what my H did, it hurt all the more that it didn't come from him, I had to dig to find out the truth and he at no point throughout all of my digging and uncovering, ever volunteered information on what he had done, he only confirmed whatever I had proof of. I have since stopped digging as it's way past the point now of ever considering he will want to reconcile, even though he is the one in the wrong, and all it was doing was tearing me to pieces, but I will never trust a word out of his mouth as he never took the opportunity to come clean. The truth came out in the end because we live in a small town. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Op, Have you thought about posting on the OW/OM side of LS? It is not just unrepentant waywards over there. There are a LOT of truly repentant waywards such as yourself there and you may find them more helpful than the bitter BS's on the infidelity side of LS. I say that as a very bitter BS myself. Thank you for your insight into the mind of a WS. Best wishes to you. Actually, a WS is not necessarily an OW, especially since THIS poster is married. Theoretically, this is supposed to be a safe place for both WS and BS. I know it really isn't in practice most of the time, but it is supposed to be. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Fake, no conviction, shallow, the useless "God forgives me". What about the ones you sinned against ? You betrayed your partner. You betrayed your best friend. You betrayed your kids. But you have to hide it to protect them. Wow.. What a wonderful person you must be in their lives. Way to make yourself the martyr. How many times did you have sex ? I think I should stop reading this thread. Yes, you probably should. OP, I urge you to read Psalm 32. It talks about what happens to us when we keep silent about our sin. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Right now I'm operating on what I know about him and what I know about me. In the end there is always the possiblity I'm wrong. Part of your position seems to be that you're sure you won't cheat. Didn't you feel that way previously - before the cheating? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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