Another Newbie - Pathetically Ironic

[aliveagain]

We, total strangers living thousands of miles away from you know more than your poor husband about the state of your relationship. How will keeping this secret from the poor man help him decide his future which is his right to decide and not your right to withhold from him. Doing so still gives the POS you were banging power over your husband that your husband doesn't even know he lost. When your husband eventually finds out he will see this as you choosing other man over him and no matter what you promise him he will never again believe anything coming out of your mouth. Scum that will bang another man's wife can't be trusted to keep such a dark secret, they like to brag about their conquests too much.

 

Remember, your husband already thinks you are the woman he deserves in his life, you and other man are the only ones that know the truth. Keeping this secret with other man keeps your affair alive. The longer you keep it from him the worse your chances are for reconciliation because one day you will have to look him in the face and explain to him why. The secret and the affair are one and the same. Take it from me that finding out about your betrayal from a third party will be far worse on your husband and ultimately on your marriage than hearing it from you. That is how I found out, my ex would have taken it to her grave and allowed me to raise another mans child letting me think he was mine. You will only get one chance to fix this, please do it the right way for all, it's time to stop being selfish.

[m.snow]

its good your ending the A. do your best NC and be ice cold toward AP.

 

weigh the pros and cons before revealing the affair. if possible don't reveal.

-focus on your kids! how old are your kids?

the priority is the better life that can be provided to your children.

if they've all reached 18 and old enough there would be a lot less to lose in revealing your affair.

 

if working on the kids does not make you busy enough

work on your Husband be relentless in pursuing what can light the fire again!

 

you have already decided to end the A, put that behind you for now.

be involved in your family cook something new once in a while.

 

date ur husband again. hit hard hit fast hit often. increase the kink in your sexlife

go on romantic escapades with your Husband. a week somewhere you can be alone with husband.

 

erase this part of your history with the love of your husband and family.

dday may or may not come dont be afraid and work for beloved family.

[wishiwasnothere]

VeryBrokenMan

I truly do want to recommit to my marriage. I was (am) a good woman and I know I can still be. I didn't come to this place of brokeness because I searched it out, I came because when the time and place was there I was weak and didn't even know the extent of my own weakness.

 

I would be willing to answer the 1000 questions because believe me I'm asking them of myself every day. However, this forum is a pretty hostile environment (which I knew coming here, but I'm here looking for other WS support). It's not set up to validate anything that a WS might feel or think. I can give you an honest answer but it will be questioned, picked apart, and invalidated more often then not. That might leave you questioning my responses. This is not a forum where WS are allowed to feel enough, or be sorry enough, or be honest enough because its not really allowed. And I understand that. A BS has every right to be "in the right" because they are in the right.

 

Your wife might or might not be like me. I don't know her, but I know me. A wife who didn't even know she was capable of doing this. A person who wakes up now every morning with the single wish that she had been stronger, or smarter, or better so that she could have at the right moment made the right decision. She wonders what is wrong with her. She knows that off all things (with the exception of being a pedophile) she has done what society will not forgive her for. She can look around and know that she would be better off having beat her children or be an alchoholic becuase those can be forgiven so much easier. She also knows that she has probably done what she would have sworn 1000 times over she wouldn't have. She probably has no way to explain it, or a single thing that caused it. She knows MUCH more about herself and her marriage then she did before and prays that she can use that to BE SO MUCH BETTER. Since she confessed or you found out I'm sure if she's like me she can't imagine why you'd stay. Believe me, she see's herself through your eyes and what she thinks you see might be way worse than you do see. Look at Monica and Bill Clinton, your wife if she's like me knows EXACTLY what everyone thinks of her. Monica went into hiding and Bill, he just went on.

 

If she's like me, she doesn't think there is a way to be forgiven, especially with a confession out there. Why would she think that? She knows people who lost not just their families and husbands but their church, their friends, their job, ect... There are not societal indicators (nor many in these forums) to suggest that forgiveness is possible so she's not going to expect that her husband will.

 

So yes, I very much want to get back to my marriage, to be the wife I should have been. To be the wife I thought I was. I wish I didn't know this repulsive thing about myself. I wish I was ignorant of my own capacity to be this way. I wake up everyday wishing I didn't have to live with myself and could go back to "Suzy perfect". For anyone who ever did something wrong, you might remember that feeling. I never understood the fall from Grace as a Christian (I thought I did) but now I do. I had no idea. For me, letting down God is even worse then letting down my husband right now.

[wishiwasnothere]

Thank you m.snow

 

They are all over double digits but all at home. Thank you for the advice on committing to become a beloved wife - that's a wonderful title I want to hold again. Not just loved, but beloved. I'm going to hold onto that word and focus on that.

 

The hardest part to reconcile is that this event made me realize even more how much I love my husband which is the exact irony of the situation. Why did I need crisis mode to do that. It makes no logical sense but does let me know that I stopped being on guard for my marriage long before the incident. I didn't know my fences were down.

[autumnnight]

I am glad you are back, OP. I know this forum can be harsh at times, but honestly, it is the LEAST harsh one I have ever seen on the internet.

[wishiwasnothere]

We, total strangers living thousands of miles away from you know more than your poor husband about the state of your relationship. How will keeping this secret from the poor man help him decide his future which is his right to decide and not your right to withhold from him. Doing so still gives the POS you were banging power over your husband that your husband doesn't even know he lost. When your husband eventually finds out he will see this as you choosing other man over him and no matter what you promise him he will never again believe anything coming out of your mouth. Scum that will bang another man's wife can't be trusted to keep such a dark secret, they like to brag about their conquests too much.

 

Remember, your husband already thinks you are the woman he deserves in his life, you and other man are the only ones that know the truth. Keeping this secret with other man keeps your affair alive. The longer you keep it from him the worse your chances are for reconciliation because one day you will have to look him in the face and explain to him why. The secret and the affair are one and the same. Take it from me that finding out about your betrayal from a third party will be far worse on your husband and ultimately on your marriage than hearing it from you. That is how I found out, my ex would have taken it to her grave and allowed me to raise another mans child letting me think he was mine. You will only get one chance to fix this, please do it the right way for all, it's time to stop being selfish.

AliveAgain, I will think about what you've said, you have added a perspective that I hadn't been thinking about and that's about telling strangers and giving power to the OM. You are right on both counts.

 

I came here to get some support from other WS, but again, perhaps that's not a good idea in light of my own responsibilities.

[wishiwasnothere]

Well obviously people who cheat, by and large, have ZERO EXPECTATION of getting caught. So it doesn't amaze me.

 

I agree with Drifter and others: This woman is no longer in an affair, and wants to stay married. "WANTS TO STAY MARRIED". Wanting to "stay married", fixing oneself, etc. is NOT MORE CHEATER THINKING, it is the right thinking. If she says her husband will never forgive, she is probably CORRECT.

 

Hell, we already know there are threads here where a BH is saying "I know about my wife's EA, and if it is a PA, she is divorced for life. He will "only" divorce her for the EA. And more or less the same people here who support him in his thinking, nee, who are prepared to say, never mind EA, it was just a matter of time before it went PA, so DIVORCE HER anyway are here telling this OP she has to come CLEAN!!!

 

People find themselves, contrary to what an earlier poster said, in affairs. They FIND THEMSELVES in affairs they never imagined or saw themselves capable of doing.

 

This is not the same thing as "it just happened". The hundreds or 1000s of tiny decisions that go on that eventually led a person to stray do not invalidate their personal belief that they would never cheat. What invalidates it is when they realise they have gone too far and now they cannot turn back.

 

OP, I am another BS who believes if you are certain you have been able to turn yourself around, post infidelity, to end your A, to realise that this is not who you wanted to be, that you can bring yourself back to your marriage and do what is necessary to fix yourself and forgive yourself, (i.e. you can do all the things your BH would ask and expect of you were he to know and offer reconciliation) you should do that, and only confess if you find at some point down the road that you cannot be a whole person or a sane person carrying the guilt. If you think you can manage to carry the burden of this secret, I think you should.

 

Not because your husband will throw you on the street, but because you will change your husband in ways even he is incapable of understanding. The pain you will cause him will be for life. Perhaps only one of you should bear that pain until a different perspective forces you to change your mind.

Yes Fellini, I do very much want to stay married and to fix myself so that I know what went wrong with myself to make this mistake. Thank you from your perspective as a BS. I wasn't looking for an exit affair, and wasn't looking period. I was/am weak and selfish and those are what I don't want to be nor what my husband deserves.

 

Yup, he does deserve a faithful wife, a loving wife, a loving mother. I am no longer the faithful wife but I can be a loving wife, and a loving mother. My unfaithfulness is on me and at this point I am not willing to have it be his name too.

[wishiwasnothere]

AutumnNight - it's a harshness not undersevered. I've been reading here for months, so I wasn't unprepared. Most people have been helpful and honest and even the things I don't want to hear I appreciate that people who have been hurt so deeply would try to help those of us who injured them.

 

I could have read the Unvailed Wife and never known what she was talking about until I sat here in this chair.

[fellini]

I think the key is you have to want to be the loving wife and mother for you as much as you do for him. In fact, as a teacher and observer of teachers I have learned one thing: students need to see that a teacher is passionate about their work, not necessarily about their students.

 

A loving happy spouse, doing it because this is what they want for themselves is probably the fastest way to making your spouse love you back.

 

In other words, be selfish about being the best and most authentic you can be for you, and others will want to share your world.

 

Yes Fellini, I do very much want to stay married and to fix myself so that I know what went wrong with myself to make this mistake. Thank you from your perspective as a BS. I wasn't looking for an exit affair, and wasn't looking period. I was/am weak and selfish and those are what I don't want to be nor what my husband deserves.

 

Yup, he does deserve a faithful wife, a loving wife, a loving mother. I am no longer the faithful wife but I can be a loving wife, and a loving mother. My unfaithfulness is on me and at this point I am not willing to have it be his name too.

[autumnnight]

Piggybacking on what fellini said, there are some verses that might help with that mindset:

 

Col. 3:17 and 23

 

Also, this verse has both helped me and stomped on my toes at various points throughout my life:

 

Philippians 4:11

 

"I have learned to be content in whatever state I am..."

 

I have to wonder if a lot of cheating happens because people focus on and nurse their discontent. For almost all of us, life hasn't turned out exactly like we thought it would. Contentment is learned. Of course, it can be taken too far. No one should "be content" with an abusive spouse, for example. But we really have to be careful about that "wishing for more" thing.

[Nawlins]

wishiwasnothere,

 

Your thoughts sound as though you have come to understand the consequences of your actions and I commend you and your attempt to return to the loving wife and mother your husband and children deserve. However, I would be remiss if I did not point one observation I have with your plan.

 

Will your husband view your actions/efforts as sincere if he discovers the betrayal?

 

In other words do you believe that at that moment of discovery from another source, and you tell him all that you have been doing to better yourself for him and your family that he will view that as a true gesture of your remorse, or will he view it as your efforts to cover your bad choice. Please be honest with yourself when you answer this question as I believe that you have already indicated your husband would probably not accept this as remorse.

 

So therefore I ask you again if you really want to hold out hope that he does not find out and if he does that he will believe you, or would you rather go to him with open arms and ask for his forgiveness?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would you expect your husband to be honest with you? I may have missed this but did you get tested for STD's since you surely do not wish to put your husband at risk.

[wishiwasnothere]

wishiwasnothere,

 

Your thoughts sound as though you have come to understand the consequences of your actions and I commend you and your attempt to return to the loving wife and mother your husband and children deserve. However, I would be remiss if I did not point one observation I have with your plan.

 

Will your husband view your actions/efforts as sincere if he discovers the betrayal?

 

In other words do you believe that at that moment of discovery from another source, and you tell him all that you have been doing to better yourself for him and your family that he will view that as a true gesture of your remorse, or will he view it as your efforts to cover your bad choice. Please be honest with yourself when you answer this question as I believe that you have already indicated your husband would probably not accept this as remorse.

 

So therefore I ask you again if you really want to hold out hope that he does not find out and if he does that he will believe you, or would you rather go to him with open arms and ask for his forgiveness?

@nawlins

 

At this point I can only answer that I don't know that he would feel any different either way. I don't think he would be the type to work forward from the truth, nor do I think he would work forward in the future. I feel my only recourse at this time is to move forward myself and recommit myself (for surely he has not uncommitted) to everything. I hear everyone that it should now be his choice to make, but I have already choosen the path I'm on at this point for good or bad. I can't change my failure in the past and I feel that I know him well. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Eaither way, I feel my consequences are going to be the same. I love him, he loves me, I messed up.

 

We have had many intense discussions in the past when this comes up or friends go through it (and those are the friend we know about) and we are pretty divergent on our camps of thought. Right now I'm operating on what I know about him and what I know about me. In the end there is always the possiblity I'm wrong.

[10thengineerharrison]

Speaking as a betrayed husband I think you should take this secret to your grave. I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating as there are elements of it that have tortured my for many years. Don't do this to him voluntarily.

 

It's true that if he discovers it, rather than you telling him, the odds of divorce go up dramatically. But if he never finds out then you save him from much emotional suffering. Those who say that if you don't tell him that your marriage is built on a lie I say - ignorance is bliss. It's not a lie unless he finds out the truth. That's going to upset lots of posters but it is a fact that I firmly believe. What's done is done - you can't change it so keep it to yourself and work hard to make it up to him. It's worth the risk.

 

My gawd! OP, please don't base your decision on this post. I'm also a BH, and my IC tried to get me to think in these terms by saying

 

"She's almost 50 now, where's she gonna go? If you hadn't found out (she wanted to keep it a secret), you wouldn't have known anything was wrong. I tell all my clients who've cheated and ended their affairs not to tell their spouses."

 

"But I did find out. I can't imagine how you can give advice to a cheater to lie to their spouse for the rest of their lives. What if I'd found out in my 70s? What would I think of my WW then?"

 

I fired the bass 2rd shortly after that, but for something else stupid he believed.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

I still love my husband, despite how that looks and sounds. Again, my selfish decision led to this. But I honestly love him. I made a huge mistake. And as hard it might seem to say or hear, I didn't make it because I didn't love him, I made it because I made a mistake. I've made others in marriage (none to the capacity of this of course) but decisions that later on one of us did wrong. Parenting, anger, money, things we did wrong but corrected.

 

I'm not trying to be flippant, but if every mistake I made in my relationship was a reason to get divorced, we'd have been divorced in a year. Over nothing big even. I had to learn to be married and mature. That makes this seem like I'm minimizing my mistake. I'm not. I let my emotions overrun my common and decent sense. I went from being the 95% curve of a great human to the 5% curve of horrid human. I get that.

 

Nothing he did made me do this and so I want to be married because I still love him and he loves me. The affair wasn't about love, it was about emotion. And stupidity.

 

But having an affair isn't a mistake in the sense that writing the wrong answer on a math test is a mistake. Having an affair is more about consciously making a selfish decision. People who have affairs want to, it doesn't just happen to them.

 

Your own professed religion says that this is a big deal and your husband has the right to divorce you for it if he wants to. Are you going to rob him of the option of making his own choice in the matter? For how many decades? and what if he finds out from someone else, or puts 2 and 2 together and figures out why you've been disconnected?

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[wishiwasnothere]

If the roles were reversed would you expect your husband to be honest with you? I may have missed this but did you get tested for STD's since you surely do not wish to put your husband at risk.

@BryanP

 

Interesting question, but as I answered @nwalins we have actually had discussions about this just casually if it happens around us. And yes btw about the STD test.

 

I had a time a few years ago when there was an instance that I thought there might be an A on his part. A test result came back unexpected and between the time when I had it re-run and the second result came back fine I had some time to think about it. Perhaps the women who said I was a horrible mother and might have mental issues was right because during those weeks I asked myself what I would do if the result came back positive. For me, I found that I would be the type to probably analyze the degree of the A, the lenght, the reason, the severity, ect... before making a judgement. Maybe that puts me in a very small class of people (and this isn't something that I'm saying because I had an A) but I am not a beliver in the perfect person, the perfect marriage, the perfect life. I'm always a scientist at heart and people make mistakes biologically for perfectly logical reasons. There is nothing outside of morality and integrity (and religion) that supports humans as monogamous. We choose that for a variety of reasons, and a small amount is biological in disease spread. So for me, when my BS and I have talked I always have found myself on the side of understanding. When friends have gone through it, some successfully some not, I don't question either their decision to return or leave. Nor do I suggest the WS or BS is flawed (or mental!). I see lots of problems in the human condition.

 

So would I accept my husband had he been the WS? During those weeks I didn't know I told myself I would depending on the reason he found a need outside our marriage. After 3 kids and 20+ years there have been many times when I was not worlds greatest spouse. Neither was he, but nothing that seems abnormal. But, I am an extreamly tolerant person in that aspect. Did he father a child, did he have an STD, did he do it for years, did he have many partners. All of those would be a factor for me. Of course.

 

But, during those weeks I had no inclination to worry, or to think anything much more than if we needed to work things out we would. I had no motivation to wonder, to ask him, to analyze his past behavior. Again, I'm a natural fixer, second chance giver, accepter of the human condition.

 

So, to answer, if the roles were reversed and he woke up after an A and said "this is the one I want to be with" and he still loved me, and wanted to be loved by my and we where STD safe, and there was no fathering of a child then I think I'd be fine not knowing. We've been married a bit, and he's is here, he is a good father, a best friend, a good provider, a good man so I think if I discovered a past indiscretion I would be okay. I also think that if he found someone he was in love with and had to move on I would be sad, horrifically sad that it wasn't me, but I'm not sure I would not wish him happiness. Perhaps I am mental. I'm just not wired for hate.

 

I can say all this safely from this side can't I and be totally wrong? Just like I was wrong about how an A would happen with me. It's easy to philosophise and think you are not capable of the things you are. Maybe I would hate him, maybe I would want to know. At the time when there was possibliity I didn't have that need to know.

[10thengineerharrison]

This human condition anthropology humans aren't monogamous nonsense is nothing but a cop out.

 

own what you did. stop trying to rationalize it as normal.

 

Morality and integrity predate religion by at least 100,000 years. And even believers in these recent religions and gods wouldn't (or shouldn't) advise you to keep this kind of filthy secret for the rest of your life.

 

Assuming you can. As if it's all under control.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[singer23]

I still love my husband, despite how that looks and sounds. Again, my selfish decision led to this. But I honestly love him. I made a huge mistake. And as hard it might seem to say or hear, I didn't make it because I didn't love him, I made it because I made a mistake. I've made others in marriage (none to the capacity of this of course) but decisions that later on one of us did wrong. Parenting, anger, money, things we did wrong but corrected.

 

I'm not trying to be flippant, but if every mistake I made in my relationship was a reason to get divorced, we'd have been divorced in a year. Over nothing big even. I had to learn to be married and mature. That makes this seem like I'm minimizing my mistake. I'm not. I let my emotions overrun my common and decent sense. I went from being the 95% curve of a great human to the 5% curve of horrid human. I get that.

 

Nothing he did made me do this and so I want to be married because I still love him and he loves me. The affair wasn't about love, it was about emotion. And stupidity.

 

Your narcissism shows in your posts. Your presumptuous first post was annoying. The second post just confirmed it. If I had to spend my life with a women like you, I would consider it a life wasted for never having found a woman that loved me. What a lucky guy your husband is.. He sure won the lottery!! That too with a married mutual friend. And he absolutely dumped you like trash.

 

And you probably were never a great human. Really, 95% ? Coz, no one can prove it. I would even take bets that you never even crossed 50% on your best days. You cannot even respect your husband of 21 years to make his own decision and you tell us that you love him and people have to believe it ? How can you love love someone without even having some kind off minimum respect.

Edited June 24, 2015 by singer23

[singer23]

I still love my husband, despite how that looks and sounds.

I can't get over how frivolous this statement is. This is probably what all (physical/emotional)abusers tell themselves when they have a conscience attack once in a while.

 

I think I stepped out for the emotional connection.

 

I did not step out for sex but we had sex..

[Poutrew]

Run this scenario through the old computer:

 

 

You decide to keep this deep, dirty secret from your husband. You never step out on the marriage again, but throughout your life you harbor deep feelings of guilt and have doubts about your own worthiness as a child of God. Your husband notices your troubled feelings, and asks 'What's wrong honey?" You, or course, can never tell him, so you manage for the billionth time, to push the feelings deep down in the recess of your soul and continue to live your life. Now, you know that those thoughts will never go away, that they will live inside you waiting for another time when they will come back to the surface to torture you once more.

 

 

Decades pass by. Finally, as is the nature of all living things, it is the end. You husband is on his deathbed. He is fading... finally, you have an epiphany - you know that soon, his death will cement your own fate as no decision to relieve your tortured soul can be made after he dies. So, you confess how, so many years ago, you were not his good and faithful servant or helpmate. You in fact, betrayed him with another man, whom you let his seed inside you. It all pours out, you can't stop. When you are done, you are silent. Your husband says a single phrase: "I know. Did you think I was ignorant? I have been waiting all these decades for you to give me and this marriage back it's legitimacy. The punishment you put yourself through for keeping this horrific secret to yourself was more than I could have done to you, if I was interested in retaliation. For finally respecting me enough to tell me the truth, I thank you." Then he dies. The book of this chapter of your life is closed, and you are now alone.

 

Except for a few insignificant details, this is verbatim the confession of a formerly adulterous wife, now widow, detailing her affair which happened in the 1960's. No one at our church, who heard this stunning confession, could say a word. Not even the pastor.

 

 

My simple question to you would be: Do you really want to be in this woman's shoes? The level of pain we all heard in her voice when she basically revealed what her punishment was, was very hard to listen to. I hope to God you choose better than she did, while it can still make a difference...

[singer23]

I appreciate that you would voice that knowing that's really hard to write and think about. I don't want to hurt him or our kids and he is not the type that would forgive this offense (I know this deep down) which of course should have shut anything down right away. I know that I need to do exactly what I did when we met and that's make myself focus on him and what a prize he is. God knows my offense and right now that's where I have to ask forgiveness first. If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

Fake, no conviction, shallow, the useless "God forgives me". What about the ones you sinned against ?

 

You betrayed your partner. You betrayed your best friend. You betrayed your kids. But you have to hide it to protect them. Wow.. What a wonderful person you must be in their lives. Way to make yourself the martyr.

 

If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

How many times did you have sex ?

 

 

I think I should stop reading this thread.

[singer23]

@BryanP

 

Interesting question, but as I answered @nwalins we have actually had discussions about this just casually if it happens around us. And yes btw about the STD test.

 

I had a time a few years ago when there was an instance that I thought there might be an A on his part. A test result came back unexpected and between the time when I had it re-run and the second result came back fine I had some time to think about it. Perhaps the women who said I was a horrible mother and might have mental issues was right because during those weeks I asked myself what I would do if the result came back positive. For me, I found that I would be the type to probably analyze the degree of the A, the lenght, the reason, the severity, ect... before making a judgement. Maybe that puts me in a very small class of people (and this isn't something that I'm saying because I had an A) but I am not a beliver in the perfect person, the perfect marriage, the perfect life. I'm always a scientist at heart and people make mistakes biologically for perfectly logical reasons. There is nothing outside of morality and integrity (and religion) that supports humans as monogamous. We choose that for a variety of reasons, and a small amount is biological in disease spread. So for me, when my BS and I have talked I always have found myself on the side of understanding. When friends have gone through it, some successfully some not, I don't question either their decision to return or leave. Nor do I suggest the WS or BS is flawed (or mental!). I see lots of problems in the human condition.

 

So would I accept my husband had he been the WS? During those weeks I didn't know I told myself I would depending on the reason he found a need outside our marriage. After 3 kids and 20+ years there have been many times when I was not worlds greatest spouse. Neither was he, but nothing that seems abnormal. But, I am an extreamly tolerant person in that aspect. Did he father a child, did he have an STD, did he do it for years, did he have many partners. All of those would be a factor for me. Of course.

 

But, during those weeks I had no inclination to worry, or to think anything much more than if we needed to work things out we would. I had no motivation to wonder, to ask him, to analyze his past behavior. Again, I'm a natural fixer, second chance giver, accepter of the human condition.

 

So, to answer, if the roles were reversed and he woke up after an A and said "this is the one I want to be with" and he still loved me, and wanted to be loved by my and we where STD safe, and there was no fathering of a child then I think I'd be fine not knowing. We've been married a bit, and he's is here, he is a good father, a best friend, a good provider, a good man so I think if I discovered a past indiscretion I would be okay. I also think that if he found someone he was in love with and had to move on I would be sad, horrifically sad that it wasn't me, but I'm not sure I would not wish him happiness. Perhaps I am mental. I'm just not wired for hate.

 

I can say all this safely from this side can't I and be totally wrong? Just like I was wrong about how an A would happen with me. It's easy to philosophise and think you are not capable of the things you are. Maybe I would hate him, maybe I would want to know. At the time when there was possibliity I didn't have that need to know.

 

Offer him an open marriage if you believe atleast 10% of the deluded ***** you post on here. Tell him that he can have No Strings Attached sex once in a while when he goes out of town. Try saying that to him.

 

I just realized after reading this post. The worst lies are the ones you are telling yourself. You are trying to convince yourself of something that you know is absolutely wrong. Part of it is the self delusion you seem to have developed to cope with the altered reality. Be atleast honest to yourself.

 

Was your husband totally oblivious to the affair ?

[m.snow]

i say

 

if the A is totally completely over. bury it, and take it with you to the grave.

~this would eat you up.

 

if you continue the A, open marriage or divorce.

or reveal it possible divorce.

[happyman64]

wishiwasnothere

 

 

 

 

"For me, letting down God is even worse then letting down my husband right now."

 

 

While I believe in telling the BS the truth, acknowledging the affair, being truly remorseful with respect to the selfish decision that you made.

 

 

I also believe that the WS needs to be strong, needs to understand why they chose so selfishly to have an affair and convey to their BS that their is nothing wrong with them or the marriage that made them choose so selfishly.

 

 

And in order to do that you need to be right with God and yourself.

 

 

In time, if you are truly remorseful you need to know that God will forgive you and most importantly that you can forgive yourself.

 

 

Only then can you truly be accepting of your husbands forgiveness if and when he gives it to you.

 

 

Now get to work. NC with the OM is a must.

 

 

And fix yourself.

 

 

HM

[Confused48]

Op,

 

Have you thought about posting on the OW/OM side of LS? It is not just unrepentant waywards over there. There are a LOT of truly repentant waywards such as yourself there and you may find them more helpful than the bitter BS's on the infidelity side of LS. I say that as a very bitter BS myself.

 

Thank you for your insight into the mind of a WS. Best wishes to you.