Another Newbie - Pathetically Ironic

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thanks you @autumnnight .

 

There have been many horrible days at the alter for me knowing what I have done and broken. Right now I'm working on getting right with God. I've got to do that first and that may lead to confession with by BH, but I'm not ready for that now. I wish I had read all the BS boards when I was first marrried, and long after that. I don't think anyone ever told me anything like that which would have let me see the light. I have no idea if that would have stopped me, but this issue is something no one likes to talk about. If anyone ever confided in me that they were thinking or pursuing an affair, I would tell them 1000 times over why they shouldn't. I wish I HAD asked someone (who???? I don't know, nobody really admits to that and those that do are forever banished it seems in a small town). But, no blame on anyone but me for this.

 

I appreciate the book advice too. I am reading the Unvailed Wife, and some others that are suggeseted. Sadly (and sickly) I was unprepared for what I got myself into.

 

Most never ask the question (let's be real here....WS already know the answer most would give)....because they simply do not want to accept/be held responsible for making such a hurtful choice.

 

Instead....they hide behind...."it just happened"... 'We/I never planned it".

 

Nothing "just happened", "never was planned", or was a "mistake".

 

Everything was done with intent. "I like how this interaction makes me feel"... "My BS will never know".

 

Until, you can put into practice...what you are now learning...it is all just a fools errand.

 

How can one be a person who speaks their truth (I think we are disconnecting emotionally and would like us to work on it)...when one holds such a relationship dealbreaker in their back pocket?

 

How can one know that their BS would end the marriage if they knew of a dealbreaker and simultaneously "force" their spouse to stay married to them....for their "BS own good"? Wouldn't that be the opposite of what is best for the BS?

 

It is very clear that you have regret over what you have done. But is it remorse? Do you teeter between regret-remorse?

 

Regret and remorse look very different. Regret is superficial....and nothing more than the feeling of regret is required of one. Remorse hits a persons core....with it comes a call to action, a desire to make amends (to oneself even)....an even deeper need to remove oneself from the person they were. There is a personable accountability that overrides those that belong to faith, another person, society. It is done for SELF. The need to like who one is, is what drives remorse.

 

Until one can feel safe, be proud, love themselves....it is darn near impossible for another to build/rebuild a relationship with them. Exactly who would your BS be rebuilding with? Who gets to measure the quality of the changes? Would it be you? As you would be the one requesting them. Does your BS get a voice? Would his voice be louder/more critical if he knew what all your issue/s are? And...how you handle them?

 

What I have found true for many WS....for every lie they told their spouse....they told themselves two. WS have a tendency to gloss over consequences. Not just of how their BS, children, faith, family..etc...will view them....more deeply....how they will view themselves. That right there is the biggest kicker for most....it was self-inflicted.

 

For most...self-forgiveness is mighty hard work. It is much easier to forgive others...because...well...one doesn't need to really change who they are..or make amends...or take responsibility (and all that that means). Self-forgiveness requires something of us...because WE know..if the person (I)...really has changed or not....made true amends..is holding themselves accountable.

 

I wish you well on your journey to the you that you want to be.

[autumnnight]

Most never ask the question (let's be real here....WS already know the answer most would give)....because they simply do not want to accept/be held responsible for making such a hurtful choice.

 

Instead....they hide behind...."it just happened"... 'We/I never planned it".

 

Nothing "just happened", "never was planned", or was a "mistake".

 

Everything was done with intent. "I like how this interaction makes me feel"... "My BS will never know".

 

Until, you can put into practice...what you are now learning...it is all just a fools errand.

 

How can one be a person who speaks their truth (I think we are disconnecting emotionally and would like us to work on it)...when one holds such a relationship dealbreaker in their back pocket?

 

How can one know that their BS would end the marriage if they knew of a dealbreaker and simultaneously "force" their spouse to stay married to them....for their "BS own good"? Wouldn't that be the opposite of what is best for the BS?

 

It is very clear that you have regret over what you have done. But is it remorse? Do you teeter between regret-remorse?

 

Regret and remorse look very different. Regret is superficial....and nothing more than the feeling of regret is required of one. Remorse hits a persons core....with it comes a call to action, a desire to make amends (to oneself even)....an even deeper need to remove oneself from the person they were. There is a personable accountability that overrides those that belong to faith, another person, society. It is done for SELF. The need to like who one is, is what drives remorse.

 

Until one can feel safe, be proud, love themselves....it is darn near impossible for another to build/rebuild a relationship with them. Exactly who would your BS be rebuilding with? Who gets to measure the quality of the changes? Would it be you? As you would be the one requesting them. Does your BS get a voice? Would his voice be louder/more critical if he knew what all your issue/s are? And...how you handle them?

 

What I have found true for many WS....for every lie they told their spouse....they told themselves two. WS have a tendency to gloss over consequences. Not just of how their BS, children, faith, family..etc...will view them....more deeply....how they will view themselves. That right there is the biggest kicker for most....it was self-inflicted.

 

For most...self-forgiveness is mighty hard work. It is much easier to forgive others...because...well...one doesn't need to really change who they are..or make amends...or take responsibility (and all that that means). Self-forgiveness requires something of us...because WE know..if the person (I)...really has changed or not....made true amends..is holding themselves accountable.

 

I wish you well on your journey to the you that you want to be.

 

This is an amazing post.

[flowergirl14]

I think our disconnect was too much comfort and not enough effort. We are best friends, but somewhere we stopped being hopeless romantic lovers. I think it happened slowely. I don't expect to be always romantic, but I think we took our relationship for granted and we don't work on it as much as we should. Little things for each other. He stopped spending quality time with me, and then I began to want for that time. I would tell him, he would perk up and do it. Then we'd slide back into routine. We are transitioning to teenagers so that now leaves more free time but we are not spending it with each other. My attempts to reconnect have been mildly successful.

 

Besides just being a jack*** (me) it seems that men and women don't always step out for the same reasons. At least from the reading I've been doing. I think I stepped out for the emotional connection. That's what I'm trying to rebuild. I shouldn't have let that go so easily. It seemed it was weakend before I even realized it was. I should have looked harder and seen that. Should have worked on myself. Should have spoke up more. So much easier to say then do.

 

Of course I heard that in lots of talks, sermons, advice, but I didn't do a good job doing it. Since the A, I have learned a whole lot more about that, and have some perspective on it that I simply didn't have before.

 

In any relationship, after a couple years the fireworks die down. The couple becomes more comfortable. Things start to become familiar and routine. Not maybe as routine as 20 years together. They say the average affair lasts about 2 years probably for the same reasons. You said that you tried to get the spark back but continue to fall back into a routine. This is called Reality. It'll never be like it was when you started dating your husband. Why do so many waywards jeopardize their marriage for short term affair feelings?

[Artie Lang]

i'm sorry, but if "getting good with God first" is your best answer, you have a ways to go in healing/mending what- unbeknownst to your husband -you have destroyed. although i respect your Christian(religious) views, you betrayed your husband first and foremost. doesn't he deserves the same respect, honesty, and humility God is getting getting from you?

 

to be honest, it just seems like you're hiding behind your religious beliefs in order to save you from the ramifications of your infidelity... just my opinion. you're just covering up a mortal wound with a band-aid.

[Noirek]

i'm sorry, but if "getting good with God first" is your best answer, you have a ways to go in healing/mending what- unbeknownst to your husband -you have destroyed. although i respect your Christian(religious) views, you betrayed your husband first and foremost. doesn't he deserves the same respect, honesty, and humility God is getting getting from you?

 

to be honest, it just seems like you're hiding behind your religious beliefs in order to save you from the ramifications of your infidelity... just my opinion. you're just covering up a mortal wound with a band-aid.

 

Actually, God would be first, however I think one of the things required to "get good with God" would be confessing to her husband. From a religeous viewpoint.

[HereNorThere]

God and other magical, invisible deities aside, the truth is that by not confessing, you have shown that you have not grown out of your wayward, selfish thinking.

 

You aren't confessing because you don't want to live with that fall-out. It's that simple. I miiiiiight be able to understand if it was a one time, stupid mistake, but this is actually someone who's family you are still close with. Here's some truths to consider:

 

If 2 people know, 3 people know and if 3 people know, everyone knows. Sorry, but I can guarantee you that there's more people that know that you actually expect. Let's just hope you don't piss one of them off.

 

There's still tons of evidence around like electronic records, lies that could be proven, etc. You're basically gambling on him not finding out, but if he finds out from someone other than you, it's going to be much worse. So yeah, selfish.

 

You are humiliating your husband and your friend along with your children. It's sad and cruel that you would allow strangers to know more about their lives than they do. In a way, you're sort of playing god.

 

Sex - Technically, you are raping your husband every time you have sex. The concept of rape is based around consent. When you withhold information that would change the status of someone consent, you are meeting the legal definition of rape.

 

This isn't just a crime against your friend and husband, it's also a crime against your children. You've put their future at risk and they deserve to know that you don't always have their best interest at heart.

 

You will not always be in control of facilities and neither will OM. Maybe one of you has too many drinks or has to be put under surgical anesthesia, there's always a chance you could accidentally spill the beans under one of these conditions. Many a wayward has been busted by talking when they were sleeping. It just takes one little, itty, bitty comment to blow the whole thing up.

 

Look, we all make mistakes and have to live with them. It sucks, it hurts, the guilt is almost unbearable, I get that. The point is that you are acting like it's over when you've never actually started the process. Every day that you continue living this lie, you are still betraying your family. Surely Jesus has some sort of rule about that or something. I would hope that your own sense of empathy would be enough to do the right thing, but if isn't, just remember that ceiling cat is still judging you and what not.

 

Good luck and I do hope you find peace with this. I have no doubt that you will eventually get caught. You'll be relieved when it finally happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want to hurt him or our kids and he is not the type that would forgive this offense (I know this deep down) which of course should have shut anything down right away. I know that I need to do exactly what I did when we met and that's make myself focus on him and what a prize he is. God knows my offense and right now that's where I have to ask forgiveness first. If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

I'm always amazed at how "he is not the type that would forgive" becomes an after-the-fact barrier that prevents disclosure but isn't a before-the-fact barrier to infidelity. Seems absolutely backwards...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

It is always just a matter of time before the truth comes out. He may already be suspicious, finding out on his own or through a third party will severely lesson your chances that your marriage will survive your infidelity. You can use God as your excuse but God wrote those commandments so people would follow his word, you knew what they were but decided that somehow they didn't apply to you. Since you can't unfu*k yourself for God the same holds true for your husband. There is only one way out of this that will truly help you and your marriage and that way requires you to be honest. As long as the lie exists so does the infidelity. The affair ends when the one you gave your oath to learns the truth until then it's alive and well.

 

The chances your marriage will survive this big a secret are low. Most of the good people responding to your post all found out about their partners infidelity, there are thousands of us all over the world. Your issue is with yourself, not everyone cheats on their spouse. Your husband is in the same marriage yet your the lying cheating spouse that can't be trusted. His dignity is still intact because he doesn't know you trashed it all to hell. He still thinks O/M is a family friend because he doesn't know that you and O/M have put his life at risk by having unprotected sex.

 

You can continue down your path which is all a lie or you can decide to end the disrespect you continue to show your husband by telling him the truth and letting him decide if you are worth the effort to stay married to. You took his choice away by your infidelity and you continue to take his choice away by keeping the secret between you and other man making your husband the outsider. Shame on you for being this intentionally cruel towards someone that loves you so much. Shame on you for betraying your children, your parents, your aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, your cousins and friends because they will all be affected by your selfishness. Shame on you for being such a coward that you refuse to tell the one person that really needs to know and the one you need forgiveness from the most. Please stop lying to yourself and fix this.

Edited June 18, 2015 by aliveagain

[HereNorThere]

I appreciate that you would voice that knowing that's really hard to write and think about. I don't want to hurt him or our kids and he is not the type that would forgive this offense (I know this deep down) which of course should have shut anything down right away. I know that I need to do exactly what I did when we met and that's make myself focus on him and what a prize he is. God knows my offense and right now that's where I have to ask forgiveness first. If I can fix myself and not hurt him, that's the path I want.

 

 

The latest versions of God don't require you to fill out any paperwork, submit applications, sacrifice any animals or children for forgiveness. You simply ask for forgiveness and he forgives you. Something about how he sent his son (who btw happens to be him) as kind of a pre-paid sin card for humanity to use. I dunno, the story is kinda confusing and changes a lot, but I'm sure you've heard about it. I know there used to be a lot of red tape and stuff you had to do, but in this day and age, God is like an iPad versus the old dos prompt, floppy disk, dial-up God. He has one button and it says forgiveness. You simply tap the button and go back to playing angry birds. The whole "getting right with God thing" just seems like a diversionary, stall tactic to keep you from facing reality. Even the hardcore religious people on here see right through it.

 

Surely the almighty god wouldn't condone you to continue lying and betraying your family while you pay your debt to him. I'm not exactly sure of all the rules, but I'm betting that he'd probably rather you actually quit sinning (via lust/fog, lying, etc) as opposed to continuing to live a lie and what not. There's just literally no way you could actually continue your marriage without years and years of more lies and betrayal. How can you get right with god and simultaneously plan out a life of premeditated sin?

[stillcold]

From one Christian to another, you are in sin if you do not confess to your husband. You need to be an adult and own up to the consequences of your actions; you know you made a mistake and feel bad about it but that's not enough to make things right before your husband and before God. If you do not confess, the lie itself will eat you up day after day, night after night, and you will begin to hate yourself every time you are intimate with your husband or when you tell him that you love him because of what you did to him in secret. If you have a conscience, which it seems that you do, it will only be a matter of time before the guilt inside will force you to confess; only a monster of a person could live with such a secret for the rest of their life without it destroying them. Like everyone has said and I will say as well, you need to confess to your husband ASAP. It's only a matter of time, if not already which I would not be surprised at all given how BSs usually notice behavior changes in the WS which forces them to dig till they get answers, that your husband is already suspicious or knows something is off either by his own digging or if your affair is revealed by others. It's only a matter of time before your affair is revealed because someone else knows your secret besides you; you have no control. Confess and pray for the best. May God be with you in this tough time.

[elaine567]

I do not think you should muck up your marriage, your kids and your husband's life by telling him. I see no good will come of that. He may already suspect, but there is a difference between suspecting and the cold hard truth. Ignorance is bliss as Drifter 777 said and I agree.

 

I can see you are remorseful and it doesn't sound like you want to repeat the indiscretion so move on, look after your husband and kids well, and draw a line under it.

Mistakes are mistakes, do not beat yourself up about it forever, as then you will not be the wife your husband and kids now deserve.

If it all comes out then it all comes out, but if it doesn't, then you will have saved your husband and kids years of heart ache.

Listen to Drifter777, he knows all about it sadly.

[Noirek]

I do not think you should muck up your marriage, your kids and your husband's life by telling him. I see no good will come of that. He may already suspect, but there is a difference between suspecting and the cold hard truth. Ignorance is bliss as Drifter 777 said and I agree.

 

I can see you are remorseful and it doesn't sound like you want to repeat the indiscretion so move on, look after your husband and kids well, and draw a line under it.

Mistakes are mistakes, do not beat yourself up about it forever, as then you will not be the wife your husband and kids now deserve.

If it all comes out then it all comes out, but if it doesn't, then you will have saved your husband and kids years of heart ache.

Listen to Drifter777, he knows all about it sadly.

 

Drifter does not "know all about it". He is one man whose opinion is based not even on his own experience. His wife didn't confess because she was sorry. His wife basically said "yeah, I want strange, we're over" and then came crawling back.

[No Limit]

We've had cases of affairs being found out a decade after they happened and still these things destroyed everything. The longer you hesitate, the worse it will get.

[Babs22]

Drifter does not "know all about it". He is one man whose opinion is based not even on his own experience. His wife didn't confess because she was sorry. His wife basically said "yeah, I want strange, we're over" and then came crawling back.

 

Noirek, I am not sure I understand your statement. You said Drifter's opinion was not based on his own experience, but then said, that his wife confessed, but the confession was because she wanted to leave the marriage. So, if that is the case, Drifter did experience his wife making a confession which was his personal experience. In his post he said that he wished he had never heard her confession. He would have preferred to not know because he did not like feeling the pain that confession caused. That was his experience based on something that personally happened to him. We are all just one person, who bring our own experience and opinion to this site. We all may not be able to agree about what is the right thing to do in each individual situation that someone might post about, but that doesn't make Drifter's experience, and how he felt about it, any less worthy of mentioning.

[Running Man]

Bottom line, You can say all the Bible talk you want, but it all comes down to your ACTIONS. ACTIONS define who you are, not saying what sounds good.

[kgcolonel]

This may meet with some push back but I and my wife have been married for 32 years, many ups and downs, one grown, educated and independent child. I fully understand the lack of emotional connection etc. That is critical in any marriage and the void it leaves is something that cannot be ignored. The one thing you can do "proactively" is to become your husbands "girlfriend". YOU put the energy that you once "when you first met" into the relationship. You cannot control where he is but you can control where you are. My wife purchased a book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and just the thought of her buying that book meant the world to me. It is (as I am told) very easy reading and presents a great perspective to the wife for an improved relationship and the fact the YOU are in control of the closeness you say you desire. Men are fairly simple creatures and if you're committed, I am sure you can return this marriage to one you'll be proud of.

[autumnnight]

OP, because you have indicated several times that you are a Christian, I would urge you to read Psalm 32. Then read James 5:13-19 and Psalm 51. These are very good passages about how a Christian is to deal with sinning against God and another person.

[the_artist_1970]

I cannot understand ppl like you. You are banging your friend's H and looking her in her face like it is nothing. SMH

 

I don't think you should take this secret to your grave. Your DH has a right to know especially if you and him are having unprotected sex. This puts him at risk for disease not to mention he needs to know that you and OM have made a fool out of your H and OM's wife. This is just tragic. You need to work on your boundary issues and your self esteem. Your cheating has nothing to do with your M, it has everything to do with something sinister inside of you. You cannot imagine how angry this woman is going to be when she finds out that you were smiling in her face and banging her husband behind her back. I hope you know martial arts because you are going to need it.

[fellini]

I'm always amazed at how "he is not the type that would forgive" becomes an after-the-fact barrier that prevents disclosure but isn't a before-the-fact barrier to infidelity. Seems absolutely backwards...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well obviously people who cheat, by and large, have ZERO EXPECTATION of getting caught. So it doesn't amaze me.

 

I agree with Drifter and others: This woman is no longer in an affair, and wants to stay married. "WANTS TO STAY MARRIED". Wanting to "stay married", fixing oneself, etc. is NOT MORE CHEATER THINKING, it is the right thinking. If she says her husband will never forgive, she is probably CORRECT.

 

Hell, we already know there are threads here where a BH is saying "I know about my wife's EA, and if it is a PA, she is divorced for life. He will "only" divorce her for the EA. And more or less the same people here who support him in his thinking, nee, who are prepared to say, never mind EA, it was just a matter of time before it went PA, so DIVORCE HER anyway are here telling this OP she has to come CLEAN!!!

 

People find themselves, contrary to what an earlier poster said, in affairs. They FIND THEMSELVES in affairs they never imagined or saw themselves capable of doing.

 

This is not the same thing as "it just happened". The hundreds or 1000s of tiny decisions that go on that eventually led a person to stray do not invalidate their personal belief that they would never cheat. What invalidates it is when they realise they have gone too far and now they cannot turn back.

 

OP, I am another BS who believes if you are certain you have been able to turn yourself around, post infidelity, to end your A, to realise that this is not who you wanted to be, that you can bring yourself back to your marriage and do what is necessary to fix yourself and forgive yourself, (i.e. you can do all the things your BH would ask and expect of you were he to know and offer reconciliation) you should do that, and only confess if you find at some point down the road that you cannot be a whole person or a sane person carrying the guilt. If you think you can manage to carry the burden of this secret, I think you should.

 

Not because your husband will throw you on the street, but because you will change your husband in ways even he is incapable of understanding. The pain you will cause him will be for life. Perhaps only one of you should bear that pain until a different perspective forces you to change your mind.

Edited June 18, 2015 by fellini

[kgcolonel]

questions you need to ask yourself:

1. under what conditions would you ever consider cheating on not only your BH but also your family again. (if you can honestly say never under any circumstances,then go to no. 2)

2. who would benefit from a confession? (If you are the only one to benefit by relieving your own guilt = no confession) go to no 3

3. can you become the wife your husband deserves as he has been in the same marriage you have and has not (to your knowledge) cheated on you.

 

 

The guilt you are feeling is the price of infidelity and the course you have chosen. Use this guilt as the motivation to return to being the wife you want your husband to have and deserves.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm in the camp that says you should never tell your husband IF you truly want to recommit to your marriage and stay married. Having gone though eight months of hell now(and more to go) I can say I would not want to know if my wife was committed to us and our marriage.

 

If you tell and even if he forgives you it's going to be a painful process that I'm convinced that no one really ever "gets over". You learn to live with the pain, to be happy again and you can even forgive eventually but there is real damage done that is there for life. I suspect your husband is a devoted man and would do anything to make you happy, so be honest with what you need and let him do that. I'm not sure any husband realizes the true emotional needs of their wife prior to an affair.

 

I would love to ask you about 1000 questions about how, why and what you were thinking about your husband, how you justified it to yourself, etc but I'm sure you may not even know the answers yourself. If you care to get into that I'll come up with some questions for you.

 

You are saying the right things but you have to back all those words up with actions. I sincerely hope it works out for you.

[jbrent890]

Again, I think what it boils down to is if the husband would want to know. Does it really matter how much she recommits to the marriage? If if her husband would want to know, then she has essentially done everything except the one thing she was suppossed to do, which is be honest. The op stated that her husband would not forgive this, which leads me to believe that he would want to know. And knowing this, it really disturbs me that people are still advocating that she lie to her husband, so she can stay married and get what she wants. That's not her decision, it's her husband's. Not to mention, I don't think she really learns anything. So what if she is not cheating anymore. The same selfish behavior that was there before she cheated is still there. She gets what she wants. She got to cheat, have fun, and go back to her marriage with no consequnces. Isn't that what a cheater planned to do in the first place? And please don't lecture me about living with guilt. I think living with guilt is a lot easier then the possibility of her husband divorcing her.

[the_artist_1970]

Again, I think what it boils down to is if the husband would want to know. Does it really matter how much she recommits to the marriage? If if her husband would want to know, then she has essentially done everything except the one thing she was suppossed to do, which is be honest. The op stated that her husband would not forgive this, which leads me to believe that he would want to know. And knowing this, it really disturbs me that people are still advocating that she lie to her husband, so she can stay married and get what she wants. That's not her decision, it's her husband's. Not to mention, I don't think she really learns anything. So what if she is not cheating anymore. The same selfish behavior that was there before she cheated is still there. She gets what she wants. She got to cheat, have fun, and go back to her marriage with no consequnces. Isn't that what a cheater planned to do in the first place? And please don't lecture me about living with guilt. I think living with guilt is a lot easier then the possibility of her husband divorcing her.

 

Absolutely!!! Most ppl who don't bury their heads in the sand when bad things happen want to know. Being married to someone who makes life threatening decisions about your life and marriage without your knowledge is the worse kind of union in the world. A spouse does not have the right to make an open marriage without the consent of their partner.

[Mr. Lucky]

Agreeing with fellini

 

questions you need to ask yourself:

1. under what conditions would you ever consider cheating on not only your BH but also your family again. (if you can honestly say never under any circumstances,then go to no. 2)

2. who would benefit from a confession? (If you are the only one to benefit by relieving your own guilt = no confession) go to no 3

3. can you become the wife your husband deserves as he has been in the same marriage you have and has not (to your knowledge) cheated on you.

 

The guilt you are feeling is the price of infidelity and the course you have chosen. Use this guilt as the motivation to return to being the wife you want your husband to have and deserves.

 

How many times do I get to do this? Because I might be even more sincere and well-intentioned the second time. And the third time, my commitment will knock your socks off.

 

If you tell me I only get once chance to be the spouse I want my partner to have, that opportunity is called marriage, not infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death. - Revelation 21:8

 

So according to the bible, it looks lying in order to protect someone else's feelings is still grounds for having your ticket to heaven cancelled.

 

It doesn't matter whether a person would like to know or not. Lying is immoral, end of story. You can justify, rationalize, etc. but at the end of the day, you still have to live in fear knowing you will spend eternity in hell.

 

Obviously I don't believe this is the case, but I do believe that my own sense of empathy would drive me to confess. Your marital partner and children have a right to know who you really are. It's unfair to them to withhold your secret life. Of course it will change the way they view you, but at least you can still go to heaven, live with integrity, etc.

 

I honestly don't know how you can look at children's faces without completely falling apart. Know what you did to them and knowing that you aren't willing to make amends and start the process of rebuilding trust makes me wonder if there isn't some other underlying mental health issue that you aren't disclosing. Normal, healthy people aren't capable of hurting people in this way. At the very least, you could see a doctor and real (non-clergy) therapist to get it sorted out. By you doing nothing to treat your empathy and compassion issues, you're still taking risks with their lives.

 

Do I think you will ever confess? No, I don't. That requires a great deal of selflessness and so far you haven't really provided us with some concrete evidence that you realize you have problem. However, if you aren't going to confess, at least see a real professional who can help you get yourself sorted out before you create more victims. At this point, you are literally doing nothing and pretending it is something.