What does husband do??

[Mapper71]

Mapper, he acts like a child. What do you want people here to tell you? He isn't going to step up, he isn't going to solve this, he will continue to dodge and evade until he can't then will blame others.

 

What advice are you looking for here from everyone? Right now you both are the epitome of the definition of insanity.

 

Just venting...again. Sorry.

[whichwayisup]

Just venting...again. Sorry.

 

Vent all you want, it may make you feel better momentarily until the next episode happens. Aren't you sick and tired of all this? Get the strength and courage to put your foot down, stop enabling his behaviour! He's a man child and won't change his ways unless 1)he wants to 2)is forced to.

 

Every part of your life with him is emotional, drama filled and has issues, it must be bloody exhausting.

[MidwestUSA]

What?! Where did you ever get the idea he met some woman in a lot for pain pills?? You must have me mixed up wiht someone else! He was prescribed oxycodone by his doctor after his accident and is now out of those and is no longer getting them.

 

Okay, maybe that was someone else, but addictions go hand in hand. His $38 an hour over the years has been going somewhere, if is hasn't been used to pay down your debt.

 

I have to ask, how does he con a doctor into FMMLA when he capable of riding a motorcycle, breaking seven ribs and his scapula?

 

You haven't been married to this guy for long, it's time to cut bait and run.

[CarrieT]

Just venting...again. Sorry.

 

You've been "venting" for years - what has it gotten you? Seriously...

[kenmore]

Most likely what venting gets anybody: some relief. I do it too.

[CarrieT]

Most likely what venting gets anybody: some relief. I do it too.

 

Look at her join date: She had been "venting" since 2008...

[Mr Carson]

He's been stoned, now he needs to be stoned...the other kind, rocked to sleep.

[Mapper71]

Look at her join date: She had been "venting" since 2008...

 

Yes Carrie, he knows. We discussed it!

[eye of the storm]

I hate telling women to act like moms to their partners. I really do. But he is acting like an entitled teenager...so treat him like one. Sell the video game systems, sell the bike, sell the racing gear and put all that money to bills. Have his checks be directly deposited into an account you control, cut his cards up and give him a cash allowance (a small very very small allowance) Then be prepared for his temper tantrums. They will be constant and loud. Just like an angry teen.

 

Or you can tell him to straighten himself out that you are done paying his part, then draw a line in the sand and hold to it.

 

If he won't, then you have to ask yourself if you want to continue to live like that.

 

I am sorry. But there is a reason that money is one of the leading causes of divorce.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Take out a $1,000,000 life insurance policy on him...

 

 

Seriously you need to take charge, because he won't be responsible. His debts & liabilities are negatively affecting your life. Write down a plan & stick to it. Give him a ultimatums with clear consequences when he breaks them. Simple stuff like he needs to be bringing in x amount of money or he needs to move out. How he brings in the money is not your concern or problem, but his. Make a list of chores. If he doesn't do them, he moves out. There's: work time, chore time, couple/family time & personal time. Napping, racing, video games, etc are only done during his personal time.

[Art_Critic]

Mapper, he acts like a child.

 

IMO, he isn't acting like a child.. He is acting like Addict/Alcoholic and until she realizes that she is codependent on him and wants to take her life back by realizing/learning she is enabling his addiction and seeking help through Alanon she will not see any changes in her frustration with her relationship.

 

She isn't dealing with some guy who has Mommy issues or something, she is dealing with someone who is addicted to Alcohol and who needs to quit for good and for all and then she needs to learn how to refocus her energy back to herself so she can regain her identity back, living with and being the Alcoholic's enabler is draining and unhealthy and she is living through him and has lost her identity to him.

[Mapper71]

I am at peak stress level! It has been nearly 7 weeks since he had his accident. You think we would've started seeing disability checks within 2 weeks after it happened. Nope! I ask him every week "So when will you see those checks?" He goes "I don't know. I call people up on the phone and they say they got what they needed." Really? Then why are there these constant 15-20 minute phone calls to the work hotline practically every other day I see on our billing record and constant stream of paperwork you need to fax and email? You keep telling me you need to get it to your doctor and then it has to go to another doctor but you'll wait until your appt with them rather than fax it, etc. I wonder how much of this is actually getting done or done right! Just like we received a notice this week that our tax bill hadn't been paid and there was interest although I had paid it online. I was concerned and wanted him to call the irs hotline and talk with someone about it since he is home and I have to work and you usually have to be on hold for a while. He does it and then texts me saying that he was on hold for 10 minutes and then just hung up because he didn't want to wait. Tells me that they probably sent the notice before they got the payment and to just wait and see if we get another one. And he wonders why he has financial problems?! He just lets things go and go and go and figures that if he doesn't hear anything it will be fine. I end up having to call them when I get home and sit on hold for 45 minutes waiting on them. Turns out I had sent the payment under my name/SS# rather than his (which is primary) so they weren't recognizing it. We would have kept being charged!

 

I get home last night and he tells me that the union rep called and asked him if he abandoned his job because nobody had heard from him since June 20. He tells him paperwork should have been submitted by the doctors to them and that he texted his manager twice, once just being a few days ago (which I can verify) yet his manager never responded to his text. He just assumes since he hasn't heard anything that all is well. My god! If I were in his position I would have called everyone and made sure that things were covered and that they received what they needed. So then he had to call HR and the work hotline and make sure things got put in. At this point I can't believe he will still have a job when he goes back on July 20. If he does I will be super surprised.

[CarrieT]

Again, there are no repercussions to his actions - or inactions, as the case may be - you are enabling him and letting him get away with it.

 

In a sense, you have made the bed for both of you to sleep in, Mapper.

[autumnnight]

In these kinds of situations, especially with addicts, there are times when having something to complain about and being the victim becomes someone's identity. They don't leave because they get some sort of secondary gain by staying and being the victim.

[rester]

These threads are getting more and more sad. I know you're just "venting", Mapper, but there comes a time when you have to make some positive changes in your life. Your husband and your acceptance of his extremely irresponsible behavior are only getting worse. You are giving a mile and he is taking 20. It's astounding he still has a job. It's actually quite impressive the way he milks the system. Despicable, but impressive.

 

 

If you want to take a baby step towards change, all of these books are available on Amazon:

 

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

 

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation

by Melody Beattie

 

The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love

by Angelyn Miller

 

Strong Enough for Two: How to Overcome Codependence and Other Enabling Behavior and Take Control of Your Life

by Jim Mastrich

 

First Aid for Enablers

by Dr. David Curry

 

You're Not Crazy - You're Codependent.: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma or Toxic Shame Needs to Know

by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter

 

Codependence and the Power of Detachment: How to Set Boundaries and Make Your Life Your Own

by Karen Casey

 

Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps

by Melody Beattie

[kenmore]

Mapper. I feel for you but my perspective is different. I was the "do nothing go nowhere" husband and my wife was the "get the f*ck rid of this *sshole ASAP" wife.

 

She did a much better job than you are doing, in fact she'd clean the deck with you, but she has no husband anymore and I have no wife. I know she's less happy.

 

People will contend she was right. If one looks at it from a financial perspective, they are right. You contend he's an alcoholic, I'd like to hear more about that (you can PM me) but that term gets bandied about pretty freely. Lazy? I heard that from my wife weekly.

 

I'll tell you who was lazy, it was her. Yeah she has a job she bitched about it daily! Off the clock she did absolutely nothing. Everything else was my domain. I worked constantly for no pay, therefore for no respect.

 

I'm not saying this is your situation, I know it's not but I just wanted to lay mine out because you have laid yours out. What I'm saying is it's easy for someone to get exasperated with someone and end a marriage. Mickey mouse recently did this and you know how simple his life was! It was easy for my wife. Don't let it be easy for you.

 

You love your husband, I can see that. He needs a slap in the face but you have indicated that he has contributed a lot of money into the household for a long time so yeah, the advice to just crap on him...no.

 

You know, life happens. Often it's not pretty. People forget their wedding vows. I'm not here to give you a guilt trip, I'm here to talk sense into you and make you realize he's worth fighting for. I know it because I know you know it.

 

Talk to me my friend. I'll let you know when you are screwing up. Otherwise, you need to just let a lot of this just go. Really, though it makes you sick to your stomach, just let it go. Hugs!!

 

Ken

[Got it]

Mapper. I feel for you but my perspective is different. I was the "do nothing go nowhere" husband and my wife was the "get the f*ck rid of this *sshole ASAP" wife.

 

She did a much better job than you are doing, in fact she'd clean the deck with you, but she has no husband anymore and I have no wife. I know she's less happy.

 

People will contend she was right. If one looks at it from a financial perspective, they are right. You contend he's an alcoholic, I'd like to hear more about that (you can PM me) but that term gets bandied about pretty freely. Lazy? I heard that from my wife weekly.

 

I'll tell you who was lazy, it was her. Yeah she has a job she bitched about it daily! Off the clock she did absolutely nothing. Everything else was my domain. I worked constantly for no pay, therefore for no respect.

 

I'm not saying this is your situation, I know it's not but I just wanted to lay mine out because you have laid yours out. What I'm saying is it's easy for someone to get exasperated with someone and end a marriage. Mickey mouse recently did this and you know how simple his life was! It was easy for my wife. Don't let it be easy for you.

 

You love your husband, I can see that. He needs a slap in the face but you have indicated that he has contributed a lot of money into the household for a long time so yeah, the advice to just crap on him...no.

 

You know, life happens. Often it's not pretty. People forget their wedding vows. I'm not here to give you a guilt trip, I'm here to talk sense into you and make you realize he's worth fighting for. I know it because I know you know it.

 

Talk to me my friend. I'll let you know when you are screwing up. Otherwise, you need to just let a lot of this just go. Really, though it makes you sick to your stomach, just let it go. Hugs!!

 

Ken

 

Encouraging someone to continue in a codependent situation where their spouse isn't even doing the minimum to help the family is just careless.

 

This isn't about your situation. This is about Mapper. The two don't necessarily translate.

 

And what exactly is he showing that he is doing to make him "worth fighting for"? Breathing?

[kenmore]

Encouraging someone to continue in a codependent situation where their spouse isn't even doing the minimum to help the family is just careless.

 

This isn't about your situation. This is about Mapper. The two don't necessarily translate.

 

And what exactly is he showing that he is doing to make him "worth fighting for"? Breathing?

 

Yeah, you know all about their relationship and what he's worth or not to her. Did you ever love someone? If you did, I mean really love someone, you would know that the love is worth problems. Everyone on the planet has problems and there's not a person you could be with who would not cause some trouble and strife. Maybe it's not worth it to you. Obviously it's not worth it to some people and those people should probably never marry.

 

I contend it does translate to mapper because I believe she loves him. If all he's doing is breathing at this point, maybe that's enough. Maybe not. She wants more, but whether she's willing to destroy their relationship is another question. I can't answer it, only she can; I can offer my perspective though. I have just as much right to do so as anyone else here.

 

Sometimes when you are married to someone and they are going through a difficult time in their lives, it's actually a good thing to stand by them like you vowed. If it's so easy to walk away, the vows shouldn't have been made in the first place. It's not just a thing to say to get through the ceremony, it's actually supposed to mean something.

 

Ken

[Got it]

Yeah, you know all about their relationship and what he's worth or not to her. Did you ever love someone? If you did, I mean really love someone, you would know that the love is worth problems. Everyone on the planet has problems and there's not a person you could be with who would not cause some trouble and strife. Maybe it's not worth it to you. Obviously it's not worth it to some people and those people should probably never marry.

 

I contend it does translate to mapper because I believe she loves him. If all he's doing is breathing at this point, maybe that's enough. Maybe not. She wants more, but whether she's willing to destroy their relationship is another question. I can't answer it, only she can; I can offer my perspective though. I have just as much right to do so as anyone else here.

 

Sometimes when you are married to someone and they are going through a difficult time in their lives, it's actually a good thing to stand by them like you vowed. If it's so easy to walk away, the vows shouldn't have been made in the first place. It's not just a thing to say to get through the ceremony, it's actually supposed to mean something.

 

Ken

 

Oh poppycock! Spoken like someone that takes advantage of others and then cries abandonment.

 

Yes I do love and have loved and I am married. But where is his love for her? Where is he stepping up to help her? Why is it a one way street? Why should the onus be on her?

 

And it is supposed to mean something to BOTH parties. BOTH parties are supposed to step up and fight for each other. Not one person continuing to coddle and parent the other.

 

Obviously you have never been the "strong" one in a marriage and having to take care of the other person because they refuse to step up and actually do what they should do. Must be nice to have that privilege and freedom.

 

Sorry in my world marriage is based on two adults acting like two adults and at some point it because apparently that saving one's self is the only option. If not you both go down with the ship. Luckily my husband is a very mature, committed, active partner in the marriage and puts in equal energy into our marriage. I don't have to be the heavy, the parent, the strong one. I have someone that is side by side. Does that mean either is perfect? Faulters? Needs support? No. We both do. But we know, at the end of the day, each person is putting in 110% percent. That even in weakness they are trying. They aren't looking to the other to run with it alone.

 

That is marriage. That is what is worth fighting for. What you are describing to me is rubbish.

[kenmore]

Yes, actually I have been the one in a marriage to be the strong one and take care of someone who was not stepping up to the plate and my love for her never wavered. It was my privilege to do so.

 

I'm not saying it should all be one-sided and I doubt it is. Remember, you are just hearing one side of the story here. Have you ever heard one side of any story and had it be the full tale?

 

My point is that it's too easy for some people to advocate ending the marriage. Just like nobody should say stay together no matter what, it's "careless" to advise anyone to end their marriage.

 

I am glad that yours is working out so well for you though. I'm not being sarcastic, I really mean that. It's just that in reality, it's never "fair", it's never balanced. One party always has to give more. Some times more than others. It's the nature of life. Eventually if it's lopsided for too long it will wear thin and maybe the one who must work harder will end it, but it's not something that should be taken lightly and it's definitely not up to a bunch of relative strangers in a forum. It's for the people IN the marriage to decide.

 

Ken

[Got it]

Yes, actually I have been the one in a marriage to be the strong one and take care of someone who was not stepping up to the plate and my love for her never wavered. It was my privilege to do so.

 

I'm not saying it should all be one-sided and I doubt it is. Remember, you are just hearing one side of the story here. Have you ever heard one side of any story and had it be the full tale?

 

My point is that it's too easy for some people to advocate ending the marriage. Just like nobody should say stay together no matter what, it's "careless" to advise anyone to end their marriage.

 

I am glad that yours is working out so well for you though. I'm not being sarcastic, I really mean that. It's just that in reality, it's never "fair", it's never balanced. One party always has to give more. Some times more than others. It's the nature of life. Eventually if it's lopsided for too long it will wear thin and maybe the one who must work harder will end it, but it's not something that should be taken lightly and it's definitely not up to a bunch of relative strangers in a forum. It's for the people IN the marriage to decide.

 

Ken

 

This has not been my experience nor of others that are in happy healthy marriage. One party does NOT always have to give more.

 

And no one is saying that it isn't the two people in the marriage decision. But since this is a discussion forum, and only one person here, we give our opinion and advice based on that one person.

 

Please stop being pedantic and thinking we are so simple minded that many of the posters on here aren't aware of the big picture of life. We are. But we will take what we are told, allow a caveat or two, and advise in that direction. Mapper is free to take or leave the advice. And advice has been given to her numerous times about being codependent and continuing the rinse and repeat cycle. It is firmly acknowledged they are equal players in this marriage.

[kenmore]

...One party does NOT always have to give more.

 

Yes they do!

[Mapper71]

Well today was supposed to be the day of his return to work after more than 2 months. About an hour ago he chats with me on Facebook saying he's been thinking a lot about it and he just wants to quit and try and get rehired immediately so he can get in at another job in the company. He thinks if he goes back they'll just fire him anyways. He called HR already and told them as much. So there goes his $38/hr job and if he does manage to get rehired on there it will be at $15/hr. Oh and there's no guarantee they'll take him back. He still has to go through the same hiring process with all the others, yet he says that he'll get hired no problem. He just told me yesterday that he has to keep the $38/hr job so that he can pay thins off. So now not only does he not have a job, but he also has about $4000 in credit card debt, he's 2 months behind on child support, he has student loans every month and he told me he's just going to default on his loan from work (which is $21,000!) and then he'll just have to pay tax on it which is about 20%. Oh so you are going to come up with $4000 for that?? Oh he just feeds me all these lines about how it isn't as bad as I think it is and how he's got 4-5 months worth of savings from work to get through until it gets bad. Sure, use up your meager retirement money over the next few months so you have nothing left.Why the hell not! Meanwhile, I'll pay every single bill to keep us above water!

[whichwayisup]

Well today was supposed to be the day of his return to work after more than 2 months. About an hour ago he chats with me on Facebook saying he's been thinking a lot about it and he just wants to quit and try and get rehired immediately so he can get in at another job in the company. He thinks if he goes back they'll just fire him anyways. He called HR already and told them as much. So there goes his $38/hr job and if he does manage to get rehired on there it will be at $15/hr. Oh and there's no guarantee they'll take him back. He still has to go through the same hiring process with all the others, yet he says that he'll get hired no problem. He just told me yesterday that he has to keep the $38/hr job so that he can pay thins off. So now not only does he not have a job, but he also has about $4000 in credit card debt, he's 2 months behind on child support, he has student loans every month and he told me he's just going to default on his loan from work (which is $21,000!) and then he'll just have to pay tax on it which is about 20%. Oh so you are going to come up with $4000 for that?? Oh he just feeds me all these lines about how it isn't as bad as I think it is and how he's got 4-5 months worth of savings from work to get through until it gets bad. Sure, use up your meager retirement money over the next few months so you have nothing left.Why the hell not! Meanwhile, I'll pay every single bill to keep us above water!

 

It seems very obvious your husband really doesn't want to work, he wants a job that if he feels like going in, he'll go in. If not, he'll call in sick. He is lazy and has no real passion or desire to do the best job possible. He wants simple and no responsibility put on him.

 

So, what are you going to do about it? Continue to foot the bill and allow him to do as he pleases?

[Mapper71]

Yup I'll continue to foot the bill or else we will both go under. Oh he PROMISES me he'll look hard for a job, but I don't believe him. He'll try for about a week, if that, and then he'll slack off. He has gotten so used to sitting at home and working outside on stuff that he is in no rush to go anywhere. He really wants this one job that they say they won't be looking to take him on until next year at the earliest if even then, but he'll keep in touch with the guy.

 

Nope, I'm pretty sure my savings will be depleted by year's end!