Author Mapper71 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Mappers, I struggle advising any farther since you aren't able to get first hand information. I still suspect they are waiting him out to see if he will make it easy for them and quit or if they need to terminate him. Since his FMLA just ran out in the past couple weeks I would say expect some contact in the next few weeks. I actually just went onto his work website and looked up his FMLA. It shows that he still has 18 hours left for the year. If he still has FMLA left then they can't really do anything, can they? So I am assuming he is under some kind of LOA right now. I mean doctors (both his primary and the orthopedic) have filled out paperwork saying he can't work. Like I said, he doesn't give me many details about what is going on and when I ask he just gets agitated and annoyed saying that he JUST explained everything to me. Yet he confuses me with all the parties involved and certain parties have to make a decision but it isn't the final decision until another party decides and then there's a waiting period, etc. Regardless he is trying to stick his head in the ground and ignore the trainwreck that is just around the corner. He is not looking out for you, your family or his own best interest. And actually why I think further rehab is warranted. He does not sound like his underlying issues have been addressed at all. He is still massively conflict avoiding. He has actually said to me now that he can't afford to quit and be rehired at $15/hr so he'll just suck it up and do rehab if that's what it comes to in order to keep his job. But he makes no effort to find out what is involved in this rehab and get the facts of how long he needs to be there, if it is covered, if we have to pay how much it will be. He just simplifies everything saying "I'll just go to rehab, do my outpatient and then go back to work." Meanwhile I spend my day at work looking up as much info about FMLA, short term disability, just general info on if he can be fired and he spends his days video gaming and napping thinking he is totally covered under being unable to work and how there's no way they can fire him when he's like this. He has said he should just call his manager and find out if they still plan on giving him the ultimatum. Yes, please do! But he's probably thinking if he does that then they will get the ball rolling and he won't be able to put it off any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 I just can't get over how unmotivated he is to find out about anything that is going on or how he plans on taking care of anything. I asked him yesterday when he was going to start getting disability checks and he said "Oh yeah, I was going to call them today but never got around to it. I'll call tomorrow and find out." What, because you were too busy sitting on your butt playing video games all day?! He doesn't have money now to pay child support, pay off his $20,000 loan from work, pay his student loans, pay his credit cards so they are all behind in payments. His ex emailed him yesterday and wants him to contribute for their daughter's college education so so much for child support ending in October, now he will be paying for another 3 years anyways. He needs to start going to PT but hasn't done that and keeps saying he'll "call tomorrow". He has no idea what is going on with his work situation, if they really are going to fire him or if he will need to go to rehab and he keeps saying he should call someone and find out what's going on, but doesn't. He assumes that if he isn't hearing anything from anyone then nothing is wrong and he still has a job. He tells me last weekend that he'll have to do rehab if it comes down to that because a new $15/hr job isn't going to cut it. Then yesterday he tells me he has to find another job because he can't stand to go back to his current one so he applied for a post office job for $15/hr. Wait, you JUST told me that $15/hr won't cut it and here you are applying for a $15/hr job that may not even be full time. He goes "Well I just won't be able to do any racing or anything and it will all go towards bills." No you were adamant that you were going to do what it takes to keep your current job and now it's like you never said that! WHATEVER! You'll end up coming home with maybe $800 every two weeks and that will be gone on your own bills and CS and you will have no money to help with the mortgage, electric, gas, cable, internet, utility bills that we share. You'll probably even need help from me to pay your own bills! Besides the post office takes forever to hire anyone so don't expect to be in there next week! More like next year! That's the way he is though. If he is overloaded with things he just doesn't want to deal with them and goes off into his fantasy world of video gaming and everything else will sort itself out. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 He's not going to be motivated to do anything as long as you keep enabling his behavior. Who's name is on the mortgage? Who's names are on the bills? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 He's not going to be motivated to do anything as long as you keep enabling his behavior. Who's name is on the mortgage? Who's names are on the bills? Both names are on the mortgage and both names are on the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 you keep enabling his behavior. ^ ^ ^ THIS, THIS, A THOUSAND TIMES, THIS!!! ^ ^ ^ He is doing what he is going because you let him. There are no repercussions to his actions whatsoever. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 If you edited the word "husband" and replaced it with "teenage son", this thread makes a whole lot more sense. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Both names are on the mortgage and both names are on the bills. Hey, Mapper71. Sorry for what you're going through. I'm not qualified to give you advice on your husband's situation. But I strongly suggest you get advice from a financial and/or legal professional about your situation and financial responsibilities and what may lie ahead. I have a sneaking suspicion the s*** is gonna hit the fan, and when it does, your husband won't be much help. You need to figure out how you're gonna be able to deal with stuff if that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Hey, Mapper71. Sorry for what you're going through. I'm not qualified to give you advice on your husband's situation. But I strongly suggest you get advice from a financial and/or legal professional about your situation and financial responsibilities and what may lie ahead. I have a sneaking suspicion the s*** is gonna hit the fan, and when it does, your husband won't be much help. You need to figure out how you're gonna be able to deal with stuff if that happens. I agree. I was going to suggest a financial counselor for both of you, but having read many posts about your husband, you are probably better off doing these things on your own. Invite your husband along, as there's no need to hide it from him, but if he doesn't want to go, then get your own financial act together. You need to find out if you are going to be able to survive on your salary plus your husband's potential future salary of $15/hr. That's $50,000/year less the two of you will be bringing in. So if he was only contributing about 14% ($900/month you said in an earlier post) of his salary while he was making $38/hr, and that pattern continues, he will now only be contributing about $350/month, with your salary making up the rest. There are many financial planners and attorneys that provide free consultations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 I need him to stick with what he tells me first off. He tells me he's going to do what it takes to stay there and then a few days later tells me there's no way he's going to stay there and he's going to take a $15/hr job. Regardless, any of these $15/hr jobs he's looking at (post office, city jobs) don't just happen. There are tests and then there are more tests and then there are interviews. He won't get hired on for months so he's going to have to go back to his job at some point and find out what's going on. If they will dismiss the whole thing, he'll continue to work there. If they will fire him, then so be it. If they ask him to go to rehab I still have no idea if he will do that (even though he said a few days ago that he would). I sent him a link this morning to a city bus driver job. Starts at $22/hr which is decent and great benefits. Problem is, there is a lot of paperwork needed to be filled out and driving records to be obtained and it has to be in by tomorrow. There's no way he's going to apply because it's just too much for him. He'll spend 5 minutes looking at it and then go and play his video game for hours. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 He'll spend 5 minutes looking at it and then go and play his video game for hours. Throw the video games away. Seriously. They are just like alcohol to an addict; easier to use and abuse than what he responsibly should be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Throw the video games away. Seriously. They are just like alcohol to an addict; easier to use and abuse than what he responsibly should be doing. His video games are on the computer so I'd have to throw his computer away as well! Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I need him to stick with what he tells me first off. He tells me he's going to do what it takes to stay there and then a few days later tells me there's no way he's going to stay there and he's going to take a $15/hr job.. I understand that's what you need from him but it is not what you get and you can't make him, so what YOU need to do is figure out your life for yourself so it works, and if you want to stay married to this guy you will have to accept the way he is. Or else get a divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 His video games are on the computer so I'd have to throw his computer away as well! Most computers have delete buttons and/or trash cans... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 Most computers have delete buttons and/or trash cans... Yes they do. Then he'll just go and download the game again onto his computer! Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 The advice of a financial planner sounds good but it would be a waste of time now. Financial planning can't take place in the face of so much uncertainty. While I have not yet gotten my credentials in that field, I'm working on it and we need facts, not wannabes. Here's a fact that needs a solid answer: Do you know he just sits around playing video games or are you thinking that in your anger? I ask that because I had difficulty finding work in my field previously (I found crappy work and it wasn't good enough), and my wife who wasn't around during the day just assumed I sat around on my sorry ass doing nothing while she worked. Now that she has to do all the stuff I did or pay someone to do it, she's realizing, but too late. I'm not trying to make you the bad gal, I'm just playing the devils advocate (which seems to be my role lately) and say that before you kill a marriage, don't rush to conclusions and worry about the facts later. If he seriously just sits around playing video games, that's inexcusable but if he's trying to work on alternative means like finding other employment (which he should be doing because this job is toast), that's different. I totally understand your frustration as I understand my STBX's frustration. She never understood mine. To her, I was dead weight. I don't know how you can know without secret surveillance and it seems trust is difficult now. My advice is that for the time being, you two adjust your lifestyles to accommodate your income (you know, budget) and give yourselves the necessary time to figure it out without it being an emergency. You don't need a financial planner for that, do what I used to do. Get all of your money in cash, get a manila folder and make pockets in it for each need (power, water, mortgage etc) and when it's all accounted for, take the last ten bucks and buy yourselves a frozen pizza. You will find you can make ends meet and all it costs is twelve cents! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Here's a fact that needs a solid answer: Do you know he just sits around playing video games or are you thinking that in your anger? I ask that because I had difficulty finding work in my field previously (I found crappy work and it wasn't good enough), and my wife who wasn't around during the day just assumed I sat around on my sorry ass doing nothing while she worked. Now that she has to do all the stuff I did or pay someone to do it, she's realizing, but too late. Yes I do know that's what he does because when I come home and ask him what he did all day he says "Played video games, dinked around in the garage, took a nap." Then he'll sometimes add "I applied for a post office job" and the ones he applies for are LTE jobs that only last a year and are only a couple days a week. I tell him that won't cut it and he goes "Well they CAN be full time jobs, but I'll probably have to start at the bottom." How on earth can you leave a full time $38/hr job with great benefits for a $15/hr limited term employment job with no benefits and you may only work a couple days a week? I sent him an application for a bus driver job for the city yesterday. It started at $22/hr and had great benefits. However, he had to fill out 2 long forms, write a paragraph on why they should hire him AND get his driving record from the DMV. I knew immediately that there was no way he was going to apply due to all that. He just wants it to be where he hits a button and he's applied. He still hasn't called to find out what's up with his disability pay which he should have been getting for 4 weeks now. He hasn't called to set up a phys. therapy appt. He said he was going to call his manager and find out what's up with his job, but hasn't. He said that this week he was going to do some kind of project that he's been talking about doing outside and hasn't lifted a finger. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I sent him an application for a bus driver job for the city yesterday. Why are you doing this for him?! It is not your responsibility. Next thing you know it you will be filling out the application for him to sign at the bottom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Why are you doing this for him?! It is not your responsibility. Next thing you know it you will be filling out the application for him to sign at the bottom. I do it because he doesn't! If he's leaving his job I want him to find a somewhat decent one to go to and he isn't making any effort to find one. Yes, it probably will come to that. I made a cover letter for him a few weeks ago for another application because he can't sit down long enough to do one. Just like when he starts applying for jobs, he gets halfway through and then starts surfing the internet or playing his video game. It is so hard for him to complete anything or follow through. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 He's already talking about getting $100 worth of fireworks for the 4th of July! I told him "You aren't working and we have no extra money for anything and you want to get $100 worth of fireworks?!" He sheepishly goes "Well we have to celebrate America right?" Then he tells me he'll need help buying new leathers for his racing because they had to cut those off of him. They cost around $1500 and he expects me to "help" pay for them. I just can't imagine what it would be like to be married to a socially inept, emotionally stunted , irresponsible, alcoholic man-child. It sounds like your entire life is spent having to oversee every thing he does and constantly making sure he does what he's supposed to be doing - much like any mother of a 15 year old irresponsible teenage boy. God forbid you're ever ill and unable to work and support the family or keep the household running, because Peter Pan sure isn't going to be able to step in and man up. You can't depend on this guy to do anything - but let you down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 OP it sounds like you're married to a teenager! Why are you continuing to stay in this marriage? You are his wife, not his mother. The way you are doing all these things for him makes you sound like you are his mother. For the love of all that is good in the world, just STOP doing things for him and take care of you. Of course he's not doing anything, you aren't putting your foot down and DEMANDING it! You are allowing him not to take responsibility by sending him job applications without making HIM go out and look for it on his own. Get your own finances in order and get out of the marriage because he will not change & you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Well, there's no-place else to go with this that I can see. The people have spoken and it seems it's time to file for divorce. You seem adamant about seeing the worst too. From my perspective (and everyone's I suspect), he's just a loser who will do nothing and it's time to dump him. ...but wait, you married him at one point, was he a loser then? He got this job in the first place, how can such a loser do that? Oh, that's right, he turned alcoholic after all that and took a dive. Well, I think you should be able to make the decision now, you should have enough opinions and thoughts on the subject. After all, all it took my wife was the opinion of her mother. Marriage is a bunch of crap anyway. It's not worth the paper it's printed on which makes it the same as most contracts. Love seems to have little to do with it anymore, and most divorcees will tell you how great it is to be alone. All there is left to do is wish you the best in your future! Good luck and never look back. Hugs! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Is he still meeting that woman in parking lots to illegally buy pain pills? I'd distance myself from him, the bottom is about to hit him in the face. Protect whatever assets you have left. This has gone on way too long. Get some help with your enabling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 Is he still meeting that woman in parking lots to illegally buy pain pills? I'd distance myself from him, the bottom is about to hit him in the face. Protect whatever assets you have left. This has gone on way too long. Get some help with your enabling. What?! Where did you ever get the idea he met some woman in a lot for pain pills?? You must have me mixed up wiht someone else! He was prescribed oxycodone by his doctor after his accident and is now out of those and is no longer getting them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Then he thoroughly confuses me again this weekend. We are talking about bills and how I have to pay a $3000 tax bill all on my own and he goes "Yeah, I'll have to try and scrounge up some money somehow to help." How?! How do you think you will "scrounge up" the money? You won't sell anything, you won't get some kind of menial job in the meantime to help at least a little. He said before that he could deliver pizzas while he's out with his injury but then immediately shot that down saying "Oh but then I have to wear that silly hat and I'll have to work nights and weekends so I won't see you and by the time I get hired on I'll be back at work. You work nights at your job now so what's the difference?! Then he tells me that he's going to go back to work in mid July (even though there's no reason he couldn't go back and do light duty now!). I love how he thinks he can just tell the doctor when he wants to go back. I tell him "But you said you weren't going to go back there." He looks at me sideways and goes "Well of course I'll have to go back there if I don't find anything else and I'll have to do the rehab if that is what it takes to keep my job." Then he goes "Well I'll be getting disability while I'm in there at least." I was really confused because I don't remember him getting disability for his previous stint in there. He is getting frustrated at this point and goes "How do you think I paid all the bills?" I said "You didn't, I paid all the bills!" He goes "Well yeah, but how do you think I paid my student loans and credit card bills?" I have no idea how you ever pay anything! I didn't see any disability checks while you were in rehab nor did you ever say anything to me about getting them. It's just to the point now where I wonder why even bother asking him his plans because he tells me whatever he thinks I want to hear on that particular day! On Friday when I'm telling him about all the bills we have to pay that's when he gets all sheepish and says he is DEFINITELY going back to his job and doing whatever it takes to keep it because he can't get by on $15/hr, but by Sunday there's no way he's going to go back to that job and he'd deliver pizzas before he'd go back there. Yet he won't deliver pizzas because he'd have to wear a silly hat! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Mapper, he acts like a child. What do you want people here to tell you? He isn't going to step up, he isn't going to solve this, he will continue to dodge and evade until he can't then will blame others. What advice are you looking for here from everyone? Right now you both are the epitome of the definition of insanity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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