I want out

[dreamingoftigers]

I am sure some of the man hating "ladies" are bummed to hear of this news, but I am sure my kids and all the other families in the company would be relieved they have security.

 

 

 

My guess is you are not nearly as important to anyone's security or future as you think you are-but I am happy that you mention coming clean to your wife-that is a huge first step to being the man you want to be- good luck!

 

LOL, I LOVE men. Good, loyal, kind-hearted, decent men.

 

LOVE them to bits.

 

I even have some love for men who are not so good.

 

Love men who are considerably flawed and are trying to better themselves.

 

What do I hate?

 

I hate cheating. Hate it with a pathological disgust as it is so destructive, humiliating and degrading.

 

Hate when people who do it only think of themselves and their next "fix."

 

Hate the outright deceit whilst someone has their very life put at risk and the foundation of their world cracked because someone "wants to feel young again" and does so by defecating on their own doorstep.

 

Hundreds of families being affected? LOL. If your company is so frail that it would fold and hundreds would be out of jobs because you screwed around, then it is time to close your company and give your people plenty of notice. Because the market will fold it anyway.

 

What do you sell for a living OP that would crush it asunder because your penis is so powerful? I can't imagine that you manufacture and distribute marital loyalty. Because in that case I can see THAT being bad for business.

[ndeep]

LOL, I LOVE men. Good, loyal, kind-hearted, decent men.

 

LOVE them to bits.

 

I even have some love for men who are not so good.

 

Love men who are considerably flawed and are trying to better themselves.

 

What do I hate?

 

I hate cheating. Hate it with a pathological disgust as it is so destructive, humiliating and degrading.

 

Hate when people who do it only think of themselves and their next "fix."

 

Hate the outright deceit whilst someone has their very life put at risk and the foundation of their world cracked because someone "wants to feel young again" and does so by defecating on their own doorstep.

 

Hundreds of families being affected? LOL. If your company is so frail that it would fold and hundreds would be out of jobs because you screwed around, then it is time to close your company and give your people plenty of notice. Because the market will fold it anyway.

 

What do you sell for a living OP that would crush it asunder because your penis is so powerful? I can't imagine that you manufacture and distribute marital loyalty. Because in that case I can see THAT being bad for business.

 

There ya are! Not worthy of a proper reply.

[dreamingoftigers]

Been a interesting morning to say the least.

 

Went in to meet with legal council and go over options. Get a text from OW asking me to check email. While sitting at the table I am reading her email stating she is abandoning her position and has found employment elsewhere. She further says she is sorry and knows everything that happen was wrong and she will not be seeking revenge or any other compensation and would back it up by signing any documents. I don't know why she did this, but I have a feeling she is just a tired of all of this as me.

 

Due to the type of contracts we do business with, I have a legal staff in-house. They quickly put something together and that was the end of it from the business side. Now I can move on with coming clean with my wife and trying to repair everything.

 

I am sure some of the man hating "ladies" are bummed to hear of this news, but I am sure my kids and all the other families in the company would be relieved they have security.

 

My wife is all that matters to me and I will try my best to right my many wrongs.

 

Also for those so stuck on the STD thing. I am sorry I wasn't clear in OP. As of 1 month ago every single one of us was test for EVERYTHING. The OW and myself are clear of everything and my wife who had herpes when I met her was only positive for that. Wife was tested because a trip to the hospital because of abdominal pain that turned out to be ovarian tumor (last ovary she had left - she had partial hysterectomy after or son was born). I have been tested over 15 times over the course of my marriage with my wife and have never been positive for any strain of herpes.

 

Also, those who are stuck on the "at will" and "right to work". My apologies for getting crossed with my words. Yesterday was a bit of a difficult day and I was emotional. I do understand the difference. However, I make no apologies for trying to protect my co-workers and my family by making a difficult choice with the OW employment. This is why I pay big dollars for smarter people than me to manage treacherous waters in the company.

 

I will try and update after my wife and I talk.

 

You sure about the bolded when you are screwing around on her whilst she has a tumor.

 

I think you need to return your brand of "love" and get a different kind.

 

And look into EFT/EMDR.

[velvette]

Psychological aspect has been huge on me and I know it will be once my wife and I talk. I have done some really bad things. It is pure hell to me and I am about to unleash that on my wife.

 

I am going to see a psychologist and will work on being a better person and be happy in my skin. I have always been very competitive and have done many good things personally. It's hard to see the good with all the bad I have done. I hope one day I can. I have lost a lot of people in my life a young age, that has been a double edge sword. Made me want to win and succeed just so I can make them proud, but also made me feel guilty when I actually did succeed because they didn't get a chance to experience it with me.

 

Looking forward to professional help.

 

 

Be aware that some counselors will tell you not to tell your wife of your A.

 

 

Not good advice imo, especially with this OW who may have second thoughts about exposing you later.

[summerdowling87]

ndeep

 

Maybe your ex-ow quitting and not doing anything bad to your wife or company is a sign and a very good gift.

 

If I were you I'd keep on with the counseling and giving you wife a confession..Show your wife that you will do whatever it takes..

 

Hope it all works out for you in the end.

Edited June 8, 2015 by summerdowling87

[No Limit]

Now I can move on with coming clean with my wife and trying to repair everything.

 

A wise decision, and the only option for those who seek to actually develope further - both in the relationship and in personality. Make sure it's 100% truth only, and don't bother trying to figure out a way how to tell it "nicely" - there's no way to get around it. Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

There ya are! Not worthy of a proper reply.

 

I find it funny that you are judging my worthiness and labelling others as man-haters.

 

LOL.

 

Take a look around this site. You'll find that many cheating husbands have almost the exact same story as you. Most almost verbatim.

 

Most seem to have this kind of "disconnect with attachment" period. More fixated and driven by the short-term attachments then the long-term ones.

 

Maybe instead of trying to blame/shame everyone and everything else around you OR conversely ignore it and "hope it goes away" you can face it straight up with something more THAN words.

 

What are you going to CHANGE about your BEHAVIOUR to become a husband or at least a person who can maintain a loyal connection WITHOUT BLAME AND EXCUSES?

 

Those separate the ones on here that make it from the ones that don't.

 

They find some peace and like themselves when they realize the only defining factor in their relationships and the peace they feel or don't feel with themselves is THEIR CHOICES.

 

Yours SUCK. Frankly. You can ignore that, call me a "man-hater" (LOL) or say some BS about my "unworthiness" about your other personal successes ......but as the end of the day.......

 

YOUR CHOICES STILL SUCK WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

 

You run a business? Correct? You get feedback from your clients, workers, consumers, whatever it is....

 

If that feedback kept saying, "Your product sucks, here's why"

how smart would it be to sit there telling those people you do business with any of the above......

 

"Well, you must hate my company"

"Maybe you hate the men that work at my company"

"This product makes ME feel good"

"This feedback isn't worthy of a response. We will ignore it and continue to do what we've been doing"

"You don't get it, we tried to make a good product but we just can't because I have childhood issues."

 

Your wife is your client in the business of marriage.

What do you think her feedback would look like if she thought she got a brand new Rolls and instead your company shipped her an '88 Chevette that wouldn't even start?

 

Most of us don't operate our relationships in the "currency" world. Many men figure that providing a certain amount of $ is their role in a relationship. The truth is, most of us women operate on Social currency. If you are using that $ for yourself only or to lavish your OW, then really your ability to "provide" means nothing, in fact less than zero. Most women I know won't look at the $ unless it provides a social incentive to go along with it. Like he shows HER that he thinks of her by bringing her nice places so that they can enjoy a place TOGETHER etc.

 

The vast majority of women fawn over men that show public appreciation of their wives before they'd fall for the guy that gave them $1000 to go shopping.

 

So how are you doing on the whole social forces with the wife front?

 

BIG ISSUE: STD and on top of it, she has a tumor etc and you are screwing around. And sniping at others over it.

 

As opposed to: making her health concern a priority, not risking her health further with STDs. Turning to her for ideas and ways to be more intimate and feel younger again, instead of just doing a trade-in. Protecting her future security financially and emotionally.

 

Seems your social bank account is low.

Time to revisit your business plan. Although there's a pretty good chance that if you have been this flippant with her throughout the course of your marriage, it will be going out of business anyhow.

 

At THE VERY LEAST you have a LOT of repair WORK to do.

 

I don't see at the point of this writing someone seeing that work ahead of them.

I see the typical wayward spouse who figures he'll tell the truth, dump the guilt off on her and thinks he has to be "nice" for a few months without a bunch of apologies and then "it will go away."

 

It won't just go away. Either you'll go away, She'll go away, you'll do the work to make it go away as much as you can, or it will sit there day after day poisoning what's left of your marriage.

 

2 to 5 years minimum. Thinking of your wife as a priority and not just a given option that you can toss your bad choices onto.

 

Good luck. You'll need it.

[berniev]

From a fellow cheater, I am a believer if the wife doesn't know, it never happened. I don't see the value of disclosing besides adding fuel to the fire.

 

As for your lesson learned, I have met quite a few wonderful women in my affairs. It really comes down to whom you are with.

[Hope Shimmers]

LOL, I LOVE men. Good, loyal, kind-hearted, decent men.

 

LOVE them to bits.

 

I even have some love for men who are not so good.

 

Love men who are considerably flawed and are trying to better themselves.

 

What do I hate?

 

I hate cheating. Hate it with a pathological disgust as it is so destructive, humiliating and degrading.

 

Hate when people who do it only think of themselves and their next "fix."

 

Hate the outright deceit whilst someone has their very life put at risk and the foundation of their world cracked because someone "wants to feel young again" and does so by defecating on their own doorstep.

 

Hundreds of families being affected? LOL. If your company is so frail that it would fold and hundreds would be out of jobs because you screwed around, then it is time to close your company and give your people plenty of notice. Because the market will fold it anyway.

 

What do you sell for a living OP that would crush it asunder because your penis is so powerful? I can't imagine that you manufacture and distribute marital loyalty. Because in that case I can see THAT being bad for business.

 

GREAT post!

 

I'm sure it was deemed by the OP as being 'not worthy of a response' because he wasn't able to come up with one to address any of what you said above.

 

OP, I too have to wonder about your almighty penis and how it wields so much power that hundreds of families were put in a dire situation of economic insecurity because you screwed around with a 25 year old and drove around with her in your hot car. Really, if the company is that shaky, it's going to fall apart regardless of where you dip your wick.

 

If I were you, I would be humiliated as a company owner that I had to get my 'litigation team' busy drafting up a bunch of legal a**-coverage for your company because of some OW. For future reference, the phrase " don't sh*t where you eat" was coined for just this reason.

 

I hope your wife (the one you now claim is the "only one you care about" - too bad you didn't think of that before) does whatever is best for HER. She will be hurt - or maybe she already has figured this out. Whatever you do, don't tell her just to assuage YOUR guilt.

[Cali408]

Do not tell your wife! You've dodged a bullet. Just be the best person you can be. Don't hurt her

[berniev]

By the way, OP, you aren't telling your wife to help her; you are telling your wife to offload your own guilt, which probably is eating you alive. That's NOT fair to her. As a cheater, you HAVE TO carry that guilt. That's your problem not hers.

 

As a cheater, you should do everything in your power so that your partner doesn't find out. If you can't do that, you deserve everything that comes after your exposure including the judgement from other people.

 

And don't xxxx where you eat again!

Edited June 8, 2015 by berniev

[BetrayedH]

From a fellow cheater, I am a believer if the wife doesn't know, it never happened. I don't see the value of disclosing besides adding fuel to the fire.

 

As for your lesson learned, I have met quite a few wonderful women in my affairs. It really comes down to whom you are with.

 

Follow this advice at your peril.

 

You can either begin digging out of the rabbit hole or go further in.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, OP, you aren't telling your wife to help her; you are telling your wife to offload your own guilt, which probably is eating you alive. That's NOT fair to her. As a cheater, you HAVE TO carry that guilt. That's your problem not hers.

 

As a cheater, you should do everything in your power so that your partner doesn't find out. If you can't do that, you deserve everything that comes after your exposure including the judgement from other people.

 

Again, poor advice.

 

Taking this secret to the grave just makes you a man that doesn't deserve his wife. And she doesn't deserve to be tricked into staying with you.

 

Give your wife the respect of making an informed decision. If she loves you as much as you imply, she won't want you to have to harbor this secret for a lifetime.

 

Break down the walls. Be vulnerable. Show yourself worthy of forgiveness. And build imtimacy with your wife, all at the same time. Marriage is a partnership. Dn't ruin that for life by keeping such an enormous secret between you.

 

I applaud your decision to come clean, even though it appears that your OW will remove herself from the picture. Keep moving towards an honest and authentic life, one that both you and your wife (and children) can be proud of. The affair doesn't need to define you; we all make mistakes and some of them are huge and hurt other people. What will define you is how you react to your mistakes. Do you own and correct them? If you do, I'd suggest that that says more about you than the mistakes you've made. Own this. And let it be the first of many actions you take of which you can be proud.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Been a interesting morning to say the least.

 

Went in to meet with legal council and go over options. Get a text from OW asking me to check email. While sitting at the table I am reading her email stating she is abandoning her position and has found employment elsewhere. She further says she is sorry and knows everything that happen was wrong and she will not be seeking revenge or any other compensation and would back it up by signing any documents. I don't know why she did this, but I have a feeling she is just a tired of all of this as me.

 

Due to the type of contracts we do business with, I have a legal staff in-house. They quickly put something together and that was the end of it from the business side. Now I can move on with coming clean with my wife and trying to repair everything.

 

I am sure some of the man hating "ladies" are bummed to hear of this news, but I am sure my kids and all the other families in the company would be relieved they have security.

 

My wife is all that matters to me and I will try my best to right my many wrongs.

 

Also for those so stuck on the STD thing. I am sorry I wasn't clear in OP. As of 1 month ago every single one of us was test for EVERYTHING. The OW and myself are clear of everything and my wife who had herpes when I met her was only positive for that. Wife was tested because a trip to the hospital because of abdominal pain that turned out to be ovarian tumor (last ovary she had left - she had partial hysterectomy after or son was born). I have been tested over 15 times over the course of my marriage with my wife and have never been positive for any strain of herpes.

 

Also, those who are stuck on the "at will" and "right to work". My apologies for getting crossed with my words. Yesterday was a bit of a difficult day and I was emotional. I do understand the difference. However, I make no apologies for trying to protect my co-workers and my family by making a difficult choice with the OW employment. This is why I pay big dollars for smarter people than me to manage treacherous waters in the company.

 

I will try and update after my wife and I talk.

 

I'm so glad to read all of this, ndeep. From the little you wrote about her in your first post (or posts) it seemed you believed she was also needing to move on from the A.

 

Monday is a special day of prayer for me and I included each of you this morning, you, your W and children and OW that God would work in your situation and bring things out for the best for all and would also put His arms of love around you. I know your journey isn't over with and you may have some tough times ahead but I plan to continue in prayer for each of you.

[RightThere]

From a fellow cheater, I am a believer if the wife doesn't know, it never happened. I don't see the value of disclosing besides adding fuel to the fire.

 

As for your lesson learned, I have met quite a few wonderful women in my affairs. It really comes down to whom you are with.

 

Awesome. When you relocate from self-centered-ville, the rest of society will be waiting for you.

[Babs22]

ndeep,

Thank you for coming back each time to update us on what is going on. I agree that the response towards you have been pretty viscous at times even by LS's standards. You hit some nerves that is for sure. You came here with the intention of getting some feedback, some help with a tricky situation, some responses were good, some were just attacks. There were a few posters that I stopped reading what they had to say altogether. You seemed to come to correct solution for you, your marriage and your company. I am glad for the sake of everyone, that the OW has decided it is best if she moves on . It sounds as though you are serious about saving your marriage and I hope that does happen. You seem truly remorseful and realize that what you did was probably one of the worst things you have done in your life. I hope you continue to share how things go with your wife.

[Got it]

I some what disagree with the above in that I feel like his poor judgement which in turn lead to having to bring in legal counsel of the company will not bode well for him- it may be subtle or overt, but not being able to keep your "dalliances" in check is a huge no-no, and will be dealt with and the impact felt by the OP-

 

If he is an executive, especially if he is an owner/CEO, then no. Mostly likely there will not be the effect you are thinking.

 

There are many different indiscretions that happen, that get swept under the rug and little to no consequences at that level especially if the company is not public.

 

People seem to think that there is back lashes to affairs in the work place. If you are lower level then sure, if you got work involved it would probably have an impact. But as you work your way up the chain and to the C suite, unless there is a major impact, i.e. financially or PR wise, to the company they really don't care.

[Got it]

By the way, OP, you aren't telling your wife to help her; you are telling your wife to offload your own guilt, which probably is eating you alive. That's NOT fair to her. As a cheater, you HAVE TO carry that guilt. That's your problem not hers.

 

As a cheater, you should do everything in your power so that your partner doesn't find out. If you can't do that, you deserve everything that comes after your exposure including the judgement from other people.

 

And don't xxxx where you eat again!

 

I disagree. As a former cheater, I think you have to be transparent and honest and this is major information that your spouse is owed. If you are only telling to then "get over it" then yes you are assuaging your guilt. But if tell to start the process, to start rebuilding, to show true remorse, then telling is just starting the process to healing. It also gives your spouse a FULL picture to make their own choices in their life.

 

Without telling you have little inclination, or full ability, to really turn things around and address the issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's hard to see the good with all the bad I have done. I hope one day I can.

 

I think you're glossing over an important point.

 

Having an affair is bad. Having one with an employee is self-destructive.

 

Have sex outside your marriage is bad. Having unprotected sex with marital STD history is self-destructive.

 

Remaining in an affair is bad. Remaining in an affair after your AP has given you a transmittable STD is self-destructive.

 

Continuing an affair is bad. Continuing an affair with an extortionist is self-destructive.

 

Appearing in public with your AP is bad. Parading through town with her in your distinctive convertible is self-destructive.

 

Every thing you've done screams "catch me" and implies self-loathing and unworthiness. At best, the conduct you've engaged in is a really lousy coping mechanism that comes at obvious cost to those around you.

 

Hope you take the time to sort things out and would like to see you keep posting. I think others can learn from your story...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ndeep]

I think you're glossing over an important point.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for the insight. I am not glossing over it. I do know I have self-destructive aspect in my personality. Not completely clear as to why, maybe the doc will be able to help clue me in. Hope to get it sorted out.

[ndeep]

If he is an executive, especially if he is an owner/CEO, then no. Mostly likely there will not be the effect you are thinking.

 

There are many different indiscretions that happen, that get swept under the rug and little to no consequences at that level especially if the company is not public.

 

People seem to think that there is back lashes to affairs in the work place. If you are lower level then sure, if you got work involved it would probably have an impact. But as you work your way up the chain and to the C suite, unless there is a major impact, i.e. financially or PR wise, to the company they really don't care.

 

I am CEO/owner. You're correct, as it is easy to sweep away high up in the ranks. I just proved it. Don't know of any of my management team getting mixed up like I did. We have caught lower level co-workers in the act right in the break-room. It was over quickly for them.

Edited June 9, 2015 by ndeep

[autumnnight]

It's easy, actually. What kind of man do you want to be?

 

An honest man who takes full responsibility for his actions and betters himself...

 

Or a sleazy, self-justifying cheater?

[HappyAgain2014]

I am in a state where I can also fire her for ANY reason or NO reason. It's a right to work state.

 

Get a new attorney. You need to research employment law. Right to work statutes pertain to union membership. What you're referring to is your OW being an at-will employee. Most private sector employees are at-will however none of that negates the employee's right to file a wrongful discharge claim or sexual harassment claim with the EEOC.

 

You're in for an interesting fight if she is versed in employment law. While I'd never get my honey where I get my money, I'd take you down if you pulled this on me. Ending a relationship/affair is one thing but messing with my livelihood is another.

[HappyAgain2014]

Further reading the thread, I see other posters with HR/employment law experience provided the clarification I put in my previous response.

 

Regardless of you seemingly skating by with your OW, I hope you realize the credibility you've lost at work. You're the boss, the leader. Now you've shown your legal team your judgement sucks. Risky behavior and hypocrisy aren't tenets of leadership.

 

It's more than your wife, if you tell her, you should be worried about.

Edited June 9, 2015 by HappyAgain2014

[Redheaded Mistress]

Been a interesting morning to say the least.

 

Went in to meet with legal council and go over options. Get a text from OW asking me to check email. While sitting at the table I am reading her email stating she is abandoning her position and has found employment elsewhere. She further says she is sorry and knows everything that happen was wrong and she will not be seeking revenge or any other compensation and would back it up by signing any documents. I don't know why she did this, but I have a feeling she is just a tired of all of this as me.

 

Due to the type of contracts we do business with, I have a legal staff in-house. They quickly put something together and that was the end of it from the business side. Now I can move on with coming clean with my wife and trying to repair everything.

 

What an amazing coincidence she had such and epiphany after years of being a crazy OW who extorted money out of you and took advantage of you. It's almost too good to be true...

 

In a matter of 48 hours, you went from being obsessed and unable to leave her and publicly romping with her to were you are now. An impressive turn around to say the very least.

 

I am sure some of the man hating "ladies" are bummed to hear of this news, but I am sure my kids and all the other families in the company would be relieved they have security.

 

Are you really patting yourself on the back for being the hero that saved the day? Like, for real? Anybody remember "While You Were Sleeping" when the brother talked about how he was a hero for saving a family of squirrels, but then he revealed he actually shot the squirrels and then went to save them? This is pretty much the same thing.

 

Most employees are more relieved at the genuine security they experience in a owner who acts in the best interests of his company. One who doesn't sleep with his subordinates, then sics his legal team on them in a pursuit to can them when he's done with them. In fact, that behavior is the exact opposite of security... It tells them they're all expendable to you and the next time somebody "smooth" and sexy runs by your desk, you'll be off on another Don Draper romp with the flavor of the week.

 

And since I know I'm one of the "man hating ladies" you're referring to, I can't say that I'm bummed, just that I'm pretty skeptical over the whole thing. And I have to say, being called "man hating" is a new one on me... I've been called lots of things, but never "man hating." Many of my life's complications would have been avoided if that were true.

 

Just to be clear, I don't like your behavior and how you're handling the situation. That doesn't mean I hate all men, it just means I'm not your biggest fan.

 

My wife is all that matters to me and I will try my best to right my many wrongs.

 

L. O. L.

 

Also for those so stuck on the STD thing. I am sorry I wasn't clear in OP. As of 1 month ago every single one of us was test for EVERYTHING. The OW and myself are clear of everything and my wife who had herpes when I met her was only positive for that. Wife was tested because a trip to the hospital because of abdominal pain that turned out to be ovarian tumor (last ovary she had left - she had partial hysterectomy after or son was born). I have been tested over 15 times over the course of my marriage with my wife and have never been positive for any strain of herpes.

 

I'm so happy that, while dabbling in sexual relationships with people who have STDs, you're able to still focus entirely on how you are totally free and clear. You even slid a pot shot in there on your wife for her STD, managed to glaze over that she has a tumor, and again focus on how OK your nether regions are. Good show.

 

Also, those who are stuck on the "at will" and "right to work". My apologies for getting crossed with my words. Yesterday was a bit of a difficult day and I was emotional. I do understand the difference. However, I make no apologies for trying to protect my co-workers and my family by making a difficult choice with the OW employment. This is why I pay big dollars for smarter people than me to manage treacherous waters in the company.

 

Oh baloney. You weren't protecting your co-workers or your family, and you made clear the choice wasn't all that difficult. You were saving your own butt and willing to go to the mats over tearing her down to prove some sort of odd "I'm done with you and to prove it, I'm going to take everything from you" tear. Your whim blew you into the affair, your whim blew you out, your lack of interest in finding the easy escape hatch lead you to want to fire her, and you're about to breeze through telling your wife something with the goal of "lightening your load" and "letting her carry" your burden for awhile. You're so keen on building the stage upon which you martyr yourself that it makes it seem like you treat this whole thing like a joke and you really don't care who you hurt as long as you feel better at the end of the day.

 

Here, let me save you some big dollars to those smart people... Don't sleep with girls at work. Then don't kid yourself into thinking that when you do and then you grow bored with her after 3 years and want out, you're doing it as a big favor to everybody.