I want out

[jen1447]

our state is 1 party consent. Im all clear. It was voice mail. If I need to VR anything else I can do it without her consent.

 

Well at least there's that in your favor.

 

Is your company wealthy, and you personally? She won't have any trouble finding legal counsel if so. And it seems to me that she may have even been playing you on this angle all along and waiting for the day you decide to try to knock her back down. She's obvs adept at manipulating situations, so don't underestimate her now.

[ndeep]

A woman with nothing to lose is a rough enemy to have indeed. Good luck to you.

 

You said you were telling your wife tonight... I'm guessing you didn't have a chance to since you're here preening for us.

 

Relax red. Your color is showing again.

[ndeep]

Well at least there's that in your favor.

 

Is your company wealthy, and you personally? She won't have any trouble finding legal counsel if so. And it seems to me that she may have even been playing you on this angle all along and waiting for the day you decide to try to knock her back down. She's obvs adept at manipulating situations, so don't underestimate her now.

 

Again not trying to make this a pissing contest. I just want to move on and tell my wife and get OW out of my life. I have enough legal power to make any attorney she could find run away.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Relax red. Your color is showing again.

 

I'd rather be a redhead than your shoes.

[jen1447]

Again not trying to make this a pissing contest. I just want to move on and tell my wife and get OW out of my life. I have enough legal power to make any attorney she could find run away.

 

Let's hope so for your sake.

 

I'm still skeptical about you ending the A tho ....do you really have the wherewithal to do that? The way you described her in your OP was like a drug.

[ndeep]

I'd rather be a redhead than your shoes.

 

LOL. Touché

[ndeep]

Let's hope so for your sake.

 

I'm still skeptical about you ending the A tho ....do you really have the wherewithal to do that? The way you described her in your OP was like a drug.

 

I did describe her that way. I think it came out that way because of how long I have let it go on. I am disappointed in myself and for what has been done to my family. I am sad for the damage done. I can only think of a drug having that kind of power over me. But in reality I did it all. It's on me.

 

I am seriously done. It truly hit me this weekend when I thought would be a exciting weekend with AP and it was nothing more than a mental mind **** for me. I was slapped with the fact the wrong woman is in front of me and has been the entire time. The dream is dead. Now the nightmare of rebuilding starts.

[Sassy Girl]

Yeah jump all over OP. He deserves what he gets.

 

As for OW? I wouldn't be rushing to her defenses either.

 

Anyone who gets in a workplace affair with a married man - much less her boss - has to have rocks in her head. It's never going to end well for her career... And when the $hit hits the proverbial, she gets branded far worse than he does. Workplace affairs are just plain dumb and totally career damaging.

 

My daddy always told me: don't $hit where you eat.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, in my opinion you'd be wise to retain a counselor (psychologist, not psychiatrist) in addition to your legal counsel. He/she could be invaluable in helping you sort out all of this in the best way for all three of you; wife, OW and yourself.

 

Therapy would also probably help you with personal growth and to avoid finding yourself in the same situation later on after this A is resolved and behind you. To me, you seem at risk for having additional affairs, though you may think you'll never go down this road again.

 

Not sure of your emotional R with your AP but it would be wonderful if she could get into counseling, too, and wonder if you could offer it to her as part of a severance package? It may help you to disentangle from her more easily and you mentioned that she'd like to get out of the A, too. She may welcome it, or may not. It's worth a try and may save some other unfortunate family down the road from heartache.

[beach]

I did describe her that way. I think it came out that way because of how long I have let it go on. I am disappointed in myself and for what has been done to my family. I am sad for the damage done. I can only think of a drug having that kind of power over me. But in reality I did it all. It's on me.

 

I am seriously done. It truly hit me this weekend when I thought would be a exciting weekend with AP and it was nothing more than a mental mind **** for me. I was slapped with the fact the wrong woman is in front of me and has been the entire time. The dream is dead. Now the nightmare of rebuilding starts.

 

Does this mean the OW now knows you plan to end it?

 

What's your plan to get reconnected with your wife?

[ndeep]

OP, in my opinion you'd be wise to retain a counselor (psychologist, not psychiatrist) in addition to your legal counsel. He/she could be invaluable in helping you sort out all of this in the best way for all three of you; wife, OW and yourself.

 

Therapy would also probably help you with personal growth and to avoid finding yourself in the same situation later on after this A is resolved and behind you. To me, you seem at risk for having additional affairs, though you may think you'll never go down this road again.

 

Not sure of your emotional R with your AP but it would be wonderful if she could get into counseling, too, and wonder if you could offer it to her as part of a severance package? It may help you to disentangle from her more easily and you mentioned that she'd like to get out of the A, too. She may welcome it, or may not. It's worth a try and may save some other unfortunate family down the road from heartache.

 

Best response by far. Thank you for your point of view. I have already secured a apt with a psychologist. I do need to sort a lot of stuff out. I have business coaches and advisory boards, why not life coach?

 

I will discuss with attorney about what ramifications if any there will be for offering OW therapy with her severance. However, I feel that is fair.

[ndeep]

Does this mean the OW now knows you plan to end it?

 

What's your plan to get reconnected with your wife?

 

Due to legal ramifications my attorney has asked that I meet with them before I say anything more to OW. I am also going to meet with psychologist before talking with my wife about everything.

 

I have to remember one thing that hasn't been discussed and that is my 3 kids and the hundreds of families that depend on the company that I created. My next moves could affect all of them.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Best response by far. Thank you for your point of view. I have already secured a apt with a psychologist. I do need to sort a lot of stuff out. I have business coaches and advisory boards, why not life coach?

 

I will discuss with attorney about what ramifications if any there will be for offering OW therapy with her severance. However, I feel that is fair.

 

Most definitely a life coach will help you greatly! Also, is good to read you're willing to help OW get therapy if your attorney clears it.

 

You've made some big mistakes (as many of us, myself included, have) but it's heartening to read of your willingness to try to sort them out according to everyone's best, for whatever reasons you're motivated to do so.

 

To me, it seems the worst is behind you. What I mean by this is that the life you and OW have been living was the worst. Tough times will probably be ahead but even tough times will be better times as you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you're living right and in doing so paving a road for a better future!

 

I'm wishing you, your wife, children and your OW each the best! I don't know what to advise you as to telling your wife about the A or not but feel confident you and your life coach can work through that to make the best decision for your situation. Though I'm no expert, I have mixed beliefs about confessing an A and in my opinion a lot depends on the unique factors of your situation.

 

I hope you continue to post if you find it helps you.

[BetrayedH]

The phrasing is exactly what it is. I would rather take a lifetime of guilt and sadness to my grave than to make her feel one ounce of pain because of my wrong doing. Telling her because she needs to know is dumb. If the roll was reversed. I would hope to hell (if she wanted to end it with her AP and made the choice to stay with me) that she keep it with her. I wouldn't want to stew over that and feel the pain from her bad choices. You are doing nothing more than taking your burden and dumping it on someone else.

 

I'm new to the thread (and a few pages behind) but I think you'd find here on LoveShack that the vast majority of veteran betrayed spouses would prefer to know. That's quite telling since we are intimately aware of the pain involved.

 

To be brief, we deserve an opportunity to make an informed decision about how to move forward with our lives.

 

I think you're making an assumption that your wife would choose to reconcile with you just because you voluntarily broke off your affair. That's a pretty big assumption. And frankly, you're giving yourself credit for something you haven't even done yet. If you're like most waywards, you've probably tried several times and keep failing. And if we look at your more recent behavior, you've been escalating the risk-taking. Sorry, the empirical data doesn't show you to be a good candidate for stopping an affair on your own and recommitting to your marriage.

 

If you want to know what really impacts reconciliation following an affair, it's a voluntary confession. Statistically, if you look at couples two years post Dday, about 70% of couples are still together if a voluntary confession occurred. If the affair was instead discovered, the number drops to 35% (and only half of those couples report being happy). What I suspect is that your wife would find you worthy of reconciling with IF you confessed. But if you're going to stay a liar for life, I doubt she'd really choose to continue to have you as her partner in life. Harboring this secret is not protecting her; it's protecting you.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think you're making an assumption that your wife would choose to reconcile with you just because you voluntarily broke off your affair. That's a pretty big assumption. And frankly, you're giving yourself credit for something you haven't even done yet. If you're like most waywards, you've probably tried several times and keep failing. And if we look at your more recent behavior, you've been escalating the risk-taking. Sorry, the empirical data doesn't show you to be a good candidate for stopping an affair on your own and recommitting to your marriage.

 

Yes, and that's exactly what I said two or three pages ago, which he ignored, but I didn't say it with the grace and political correctness that are characteristic to you BetrayedH.

 

This guy does not care about his W. He cares about himself. And THAT is what is wrong with this.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, and that's exactly what I said two or three pages ago, which he ignored, but I didn't say it with the grace and political correctness that are characteristic to you BetrayedH.

 

This guy does not care about his W. He cares about himself. And THAT is what is wrong with this.

 

I guess we'll see what he cares about.

 

I see a lot of waywards stuck in shame towards the end of an affair like this. I can only imagine that it does a real number to your self-pride. I think the best thing the OP can do at this point is to make decisions that he can be proud of. And keep consistently doing it. Right now, a lot of the OP's decisions do appear centered around himself (how to get this OW off his back). He was prepared to 'protect' his wife from all of this but that quickly went out the window when he realized he could end the blackmail with disclosure. And there's not much concern about the OW either as it appears that her job/career is about to take a hit whether she likes it or not (not that I have much sympathy for her).

 

My point is, these decisions appear to be about protecting yourself, ndeep. If you really want to be someone worthy of your wife, start making selfless decisions.

 

On the legal front, your attorneys may have plenty to threaten the OW with but none of that erases what would make for a really good sexual harrassment lawsuit based on hostile work environment. They'll probably scare her off but if she can prove that a sexual relationship existed and that she was subsequently dismissed over it, you're over a barrel, too. That's why your attorneys want to speak with you. They're going to want to put a ball gag in your mouth. If I had a suggestion, it'd be to tell her the affair has to end, you've confessed to your wife; you apoplogize, offer a nice severance, offer free therapy, and cross your fingers.

[Mount]

Totally agree, not much to comment further, Hope Shimmers says it all.

 

Yes, and that's exactly what I said two or three pages ago, which he ignored, but I didn't say it with the grace and political correctness that are characteristic to you BetrayedH.

 

This guy does not care about his W. He cares about himself. And THAT is what is wrong with this.

[velvette]

no fight at all. I want her to move on and not make things worse.

 

However, if she wants to make it a fight my attorney just informed me we have enough to end her quickly.

 

It's funny because everyone is all high on the OW and doesn't care that she is just a wrong as me. Again, her only power is her ability to tell she ****ed the boss and tell my wife.

 

I am in a state where I can also fire her for ANY reason or NO reason. It's a right to work state.

 

That doesn't preclude her from filing a sexual harassment suit. Sleeping with a subordinate even if consensual is usually considered a de facto sexual harassment case because the assumption is turning you down would effect her employment.

 

 

Surely your lawyers will understand this and proceed accordingly.

 

 

Not sure how the extortion fits in. Best case seems they would be able to use that to negotiate a private settlement that makes her go away.

 

 

I don't think offering therapy is a good idea. Seems like an admission of wrongdoing toward her that doesnt really apply.

 

 

I also wonder about the NC letter before you tell your W. Coming from a lawyer before she has become someone who wont go away might really piss her off. Also, your W should probably be involved in that letter.

[sandylee1]

I haven't read all the responses OP.

 

It's good you want to end this affair. I sense your OW could get nasty about things. It would be wrong for you to try and get her fired if she's done nothing wrong as far as her job is concerned.

 

As her superior you should have known better than that. I'm sure a young lady that was interested in you was great for your ego and gave a massive boost.

 

I suggest you seek independent counselling to help you get through ending the affair and figuring out why you would risk so much for sex.

 

Try and envisage consequences of this:

 

Loss of respect from your children, parents , coworkers

Damage to your reputation

Divorce

Your wife needing IC because of your actions

Your kids grades slipping because of the family split

Your kids needing IC because dad had an affair and blew their world apart from their perspective

Your wife ending up on anti depressants

 

This is NOT an exhaustive list by any means, but just knowing YOU would be SOLELY responsible for causing some of these and more how would you feel?

 

I bet all the sex in the world wouldn't be worth it would it?

 

I really do hope you are using condoms now but you'll have to come clean to your wife, as you've put her health at risk here.

 

The fact is you may loose her but it's a risk you'll have to take. You risked it the moment you slept with another woman.

 

Just think how betrayed you'd feel if your wife has an affair............Do the right thing.

 

On a final note...........despite all the harsh but true opinions, at least you WANT to end it. At least you feel guilty about it , so I don't think you're all bad.

 

I've never yet seen a married man who got busted saying all those consequences were worth i the affair . You have a good wife. You need to value your marriage and treat it with respect . If you don't who will ? Certainly not your OW.

[truncated]

[quote=Redheaded Mistress;6367242

 

This is very priceless. What kind of letter can the man draft to make a girlfriend go away? She did nothing illegal, and you plan to do a great many things that are illegal. "

 

 

OP,

talking to your lawyer is the best course of action. Find out from them what is legal and what is not.

 

The ow doesn't exactly sound like she is an ethical person either( extortion, blackmail, giving you and std without telling you she had it) and she's no innocent party in this either. She knew what she was getting into.

 

You do have a right to have her out of your life, but do so legally. Don't try and take any shortcuts.

 

As for the comment above about trying to make her go away, if it was reversed and it was a woman trying get a man to go away and she was nervous he wouldn't, the accusations about him being a "psycho stalker" would be flying thick and fast. Why is it different if it's a woman?

[truncated]

No, telling her is not dumb.

 

It is teaching her learning the truth about the man she is married to and giving her the option of deciding if she wants to stay in the marriage.

 

By keeping the truth from her, you are continuing the deceit. How is that fair to her?

 

if you love her, you will give her the knowledge she needs to protect herself.

 

Most ow are rational people who may be terribly hurt when the affair ends, but they are not going to intentionally hurt anyone.

 

Your ow doesn't sound like that type. Who knows what she might do once she has been scorned. She has the right to protect herself and the children.

 

You don't know what the ow may blindside you with. If this all blows up in your face, it could hurt your wife and children far more than it would had you told her first.

 

It sounds like you and your wife will need to come up with a plan for dealing with the ow together.

Edited June 8, 2015 by truncated

[Lois_Griffin]

no fight at all. I want her to move on and not make things worse.

 

However, if she wants to make it a fight my attorney just informed me we have enough to end her quickly.

 

It's funny because everyone is all high on the OW and doesn't care that she is just a wrong as me. Again, her only power is her ability to tell she ****ed the boss and tell my wife.

 

I am in a state where I can also fire her for ANY reason or NO reason. It's a right to work state.

You mean "at will" state. A company can hire and fire AT WILL without having to have a viable reason. While true, that still doesn't mean that many lawsuits for discrimination or wrongful termination haven't been brought against companies because of it - and the legal fees can be staggering. 'Right to work' involves unions and the right to choose to participate or not for each employee. I'm sure your lawyers will find some kind of twist to be able to get the OW to resign with a handsome severance payoff.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I will discuss with attorney about what ramifications if any there will be for offering OW therapy with her severance. However, I feel that is fair.

 

So up until yesterday night, this poor woman thought she was in a relationship with a guy who's just as complicit in it as she was. This morning she wakes up to lawyers, lawyers letters, losing her job, and the ultimate insult... The addition of therapy in her severance package, basically confirming she's being fired for personal reasons and you couldn't help but get one last "you're crazy" shot in there.

 

Offering her therapy as part of a business severance package because you made a decision regarding your personal lives tops this off as an extremely petty move on your part that lays clear that you put the blame for everything you're in now quite squarely on everybody but you.

 

If you want nothing to do with her anymore, you have no business being so heavy handed as to imply she needs therapy or any other subtle commentary on how she now will conduct her personal life. Not to mention, it's a bit ego-centric to have an affair because she makes you feel like the stud you've always wanted to be, but now you're firing her because you're over it and her, and to add the cherry on top of "I know getting over me will be hard, here's a therapist to help you out."

[Redheaded Mistress]

You mean "at will" state. A company can hire and fire AT WILL without having to have a viable reason. While true, that still doesn't mean that many lawsuits for discrimination or wrongful termination haven't been brought against companies because of it - and the legal fees can be staggering. 'Right to work' involves unions and the right to choose to participate or not for each employee. I'm sure your lawyers will find some kind of twist to be able to get the OW to resign with a handsome severance payoff.

 

Exactly. "At will" means you can terminate an employee at your discretion without the paper trail that demonstrates a trend that lead to their dismissal and you aren't legally required to furnish a reason. However, that doesn't mean if that employee doesn't believe the reason for their termination to be illegal, such as discrimination, sexual harassment, hostile work environment issues, that they can't bring suit and you aren't held liable. Even at in "at will" states, you can't can somebody for reasons that are discriminatory or hostile.

 

Actually, if we want to be completely statistical here, an overwhelming majority successful suits for wrongful termination are leveled at companies in "at will" states for just that reason... They believe termination can be for any reason and they do not have the paper trail to support a termination that companies in non "at will" states have. As a result, it's harder for the company to prove a claim against them in a wrongful termination suit and the determination becomes a "he/she said, the company said" battle that is strongly, strongly slanted in favor of the person who brought suit because they inevitably can provide a parade of witnesses that were friends/former coworkers who'll back up what the grieved employee is contesting and the little guy who takes on a company is generally found to be more compelling in a court of law than the big, bad corporation that yanked them around.

 

That's the reason that the hugest companies and corporations, like Wal*Mart and such, actually have across the board complete and total documentation of exactly everything their employees do at all times, because it's those pesky at will states and the abundance of lawyers willing to take up those cases because of their high success rate makes everything so slanted to the terminated worker and are their biggest point of liability.

 

And with that, I'm going to email my business ethics professor from college who always said I wasn't listening in class and show that I was and I really have used his information in the real world.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[No Limit]

Again - are you in a sexless marriage? If not your wife contracted a STD from you, and doesn't suspect a thing. What do you plan to do about that? Just ignore it with "Oh well nothing will happen anyway"?