Broke NC, Ex vanished, Still enjoying herself

[candie13]

she contacted you for a crappy reason. She wanted to tell you that she missed you. Sounds like manipulation and selfishness. Acute case of selfishness. Give her the space to learn the enormity of her mistakes by going NC immediately. And don't respond to anymore provocation. She f*cked it up. Your life. Her life. And the other bloke's life. Now she needs to deal with the consequences.

 

Go radio silence. Stay well and stay out of touch.

[DexterLS]

Thanks guys.

 

I did not reply to her last message. I will keep it that way.

[DexterLS]

Updates (although there shouldn't have been)

 

She told me she preferred me to hear it from her and as such she said she is going to New Zealand for her birthday which is in three weeks with the other guy.

 

This broke me. I always dreamt of travelling with her and I am just broken down, really.

 

Right now it feels like i can't get out of this.

[candie13]

NO CONTACT. Do NOT respond. This is provocation, this is cruelty, I am sorry, Dexter.

 

Such b*tch, she should just get busy living her life and stop updating you on it. Does she also tell you how often she pees or how often they have sex?!? Do you even begin to understand how hard she is f*cking you up ?

 

You have only 2 options - and 2 options alone:

 

1. NO REACTION: if she wrote you an email or sent you a message, do NOT react. No answer. Just shut up. As if as she is speaking by herself.

 

2. SAY "THANK YOU" and then ask her to not update you on her life and trips anymore. Actually, you are asking her to not contact you at all, in the future, irrelevant of the reason, as you are actively focusing on moving on.

 

Dexter, it's important you send her the proper messages. How did she tell you this? What did you respond?

[ravfour4]

Damn! Why would she go out of her way to tell you that she's going on a trip with the new bloke. Cold hearted. I hope you didn't respond - she probably would have felt bad sending that message and getting no response.

 

Stay strong man, keep focusing on you and when you think about her just think "whatever, who cares, she's there, I'm here and I control my own thoughts" and cancel that thought out. You'll find someone better with time and with time you will feel better.

[DexterLS]

Based on her last message about her being sad, I was obsessing too much over it and as such, trying to be a nice guy, I told her nicely that I didn't understand the point of her sending me mixed signals when she is in a relationship with the other guy.

 

I told her, that she should focus on being with the other guy now and these things she is doing, although, she might think it's unintentional hurt me.

 

She then proceeds to ask me some advice on what she should do etc, with respect to the new relationship. I was too nice so I told her exactly what I thought but then she asked me: "Were you going to wish me on my birthday if we didn't talk until then?"

 

I said: "Probably not". She then says I need to tell you something but I don't want to hurt you. I said, go ahead, since she already started to mention it anyway and I just want to be done with it before we all move on.

 

Then she drops this on me. She also tells me how serious it is as a relationship, both parents know, sisters and family know and approve of the relationship. They go out, a lot, sleep over a lot and stuff like that.

 

She told me all of this to a point I could not take it anymore and asked her gently but nicely that this is too much for me and if she cared (at least once) during our relationship, she has to realise that her breadcrumbs are hurting me and to stop any contact from now on.

[Simon Phoenix]

Updates (although there shouldn't have been)

 

She told me she preferred me to hear it from her and as such she said she is going to New Zealand for her birthday which is in three weeks with the other guy.

 

This broke me. I always dreamt of travelling with her and I am just broken down, really.

 

Right now it feels like i can't get out of this.

 

Dude, block her number. Why you are allowing her this open communication avenue with you is beyond me. I mean, this woman cheated on you and now is rubbing it in your face and you are letting it happen.

[DexterLS]

I wished I knew why I am so weak. This would make everything much easier.

[candie13]

Based on her last message about her being sad, I was obsessing too much over it and as such, trying to be a nice guy, I told her nicely that I didn't understand the point of her sending me mixed signals when she is in a relationship with the other guy.

 

I told her, that she should focus on being with the other guy now and these things she is doing, although, she might think it's unintentional hurt me.

 

She then proceeds to ask me some advice on what she should do etc, with respect to the new relationship. I was too nice so I told her exactly what I thought but then she asked me: "Were you going to wish me on my birthday if we didn't talk until then?"

 

I said: "Probably not". She then says I need to tell you something but I don't want to hurt you. I said, go ahead, since she already started to mention it anyway and I just want to be done with it before we all move on.

 

Then she drops this on me. She also tells me how serious it is as a relationship, both parents know, sisters and family know and approve of the relationship. They go out, a lot, sleep over a lot and stuff like that.

 

She told me all of this to a point I could not take it anymore and asked her gently but nicely that this is too much for me and if she cared (at least once) during our relationship, she has to realise that her breadcrumbs are hurting me and to stop any contact from now on.

 

hey, Dexter

 

I used to have a bf just like your ex. I would talk and explain and he'd come back and do exactly the same thing. And then I would talk again and explain and .. .guess what, he'd again come back and pull the exact same stunt on me.

 

Basically, with some people, you need to enforce your barriers and limits through action. And that means you're done talking. You're done messaging. It's all clear and clean now.

 

Time to bring on the new guns. Block her. Not respond. Avoid her. Don't answer unknown numbers. Ignore the hell outta her. It'll kill her, she seems a massive attention wh*re.

 

Post pics of you partying and going out. Pics with you and friends. Pics with lovely sunsets surrounded by people who love, care and appreciate you. Success is the best revenge, mate. She will find out. She expects you to crumble and implode. Get re-born out of your own ashes and take control of your life. Go on. Move on. Let the past rest in peace. The dead with the dead, the living amongst the living.

 

cheers, Dexter

[candie13]

I wished I knew why I am so weak. This would make everything much easier.

 

you will find out. You will, I swear. But until then, do those essential steps in breaking free from the past. Kick her out of your life. Fully. Only after that is done, will you get closure and will you start to understand.

 

Do the right thing. I know you prefer to cut your right arm instead, but you actually have no option, here. The only other option you have is to receive another phone call when she is moving in with him. Then when they buy a house. Have a baby. Getting a ring. Do you like that role? Can you respect a guy who allows himself to get stuck, in a situation / role, like that? And trust me, everytime she will contact you, it will hurt just as bad, if not more. How does this lovely future filled with further disappointment and despair sound like? Fancy it? that's what's coming to you unless you bloke her out of your life.

 

It's your life, mate, these are your choices. Your time, your heart ache, your happiness. You can start healing NOW. The moment you bloke her, the moment you stop giving her the power, that moment you start making the first step towards healing.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wished I knew why I am so weak. This would make everything much easier.

 

That's why you need to block. You don't have the self-control to not answer and indulge her, so admit that and take that possibility out of play. It's actually a sign of strength to admit you need help instead of hamfistedly trying to wing it and turning things into a disaster like you have.

[DexterLS]

hey, Dexter

 

I used to have a bf just like your ex. I would talk and explain and he'd come back and do exactly the same thing. And then I would talk again and explain and .. .guess what, he'd again come back and pull the exact same stunt on me.

 

Basically, with some people, you need to enforce your barriers and limits through action. And that means you're done talking. You're done messaging. It's all clear and clean now.

 

Time to bring on the new guns. Block her. Not respond. Avoid her. Don't answer unknown numbers. Ignore the hell outta her. It'll kill her, she seems a massive attention wh*re.

 

Post pics of you partying and going out. Pics with you and friends. Pics with lovely sunsets surrounded by people who love, care and appreciate you. Success is the best revenge, mate. She will find out. She expects you to crumble and implode. Get re-born out of your own ashes and take control of your life. Go on. Move on. Let the past rest in peace. The dead with the dead, the living amongst the living.

 

cheers, Dexter

 

Thanks. I went through that phase already. Posting pics to show her I have moved on when I clearly have not. So I really don't know what else is there left to do than suffer through all this. The truth is she is leading a much more enjoyable life than me right now.

 

Working for Emirates in Dubai, super cheap air tickets, going to New Zealand for her birthday with her new partner while I'm sitting in front of my laptop every day, alone, trying to work, trying to study and it's getting increasingly harder day by day.

 

My photos and life updates do not matter to her. She doesn't care what I'm going through. She knows her life is much more exciting than me. She knows exactly what I have been through because she was here with me. She knows how much I was looking forward to traveling with her.

 

The truth is, all of this, is breaking me a lot and I have to go on for the next three weeks knowing she will be with the other guy in NZ on her birthday. How am I supposed to cope with all of this?

 

I am just a regular guy, who loved her deeply and planned my entire life with her. I am just a guy with a heart and she broke it into a million pieces.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks. I went through that phase already. Posting pics to show her I have moved on when I clearly have not. So I really don't know what else is there left to do than suffer through all this. The truth is she is leading a much more enjoyable life than me right now.

 

Working for Emirates in Dubai, super cheap air tickets, going to New Zealand for her birthday with her new partner while I'm sitting in front of my laptop every day, alone, trying to work, trying to study and it's getting increasingly harder day by day.

 

My photos and life updates do not matter to her. She doesn't care what I'm going through. She knows her life is much more exciting than me. She knows exactly what I have been through because she was here with me. She knows how much I was looking forward to traveling with her.

 

The truth is, all of this, is breaking me a lot and I have to go on for the next three weeks knowing she will be with the other guy in NZ on her birthday. How am I supposed to cope with all of this?

 

I am just a regular guy, who loved her deeply and planned my entire life with her. I am just a guy with a heart and she broke it into a million pieces.

 

The fact that you know all of this is absolutely detrimental. Why do you know this? Why do you make this information available to you? Why do you seek it out? Unfortunately, you're your own worst enemy right now. You should not know any of this stuff. It's not your concern.

[DexterLS]

The fact that you know all of this is absolutely detrimental. Why do you know this? Why do you make this information available to you? Why do you seek it out? Unfortunately, you're your own worst enemy right now. You should not know any of this stuff. It's not your concern.

 

Technically, I should have been in the dark over many things, but I know what I know and I won't forget it anytime soon. I am just sad, depressed and feel like this is it for me, I have hit rock-bottom.

[lgspot]

Based on her last message about her being sad, I was obsessing too much over it and as such, trying to be a nice guy, I told her nicely that I didn't understand the point of her sending me mixed signals when she is in a relationship with the other guy.

 

I told her, that she should focus on being with the other guy now and these things she is doing, although, she might think it's unintentional hurt me.

 

She then proceeds to ask me some advice on what she should do etc, with respect to the new relationship. I was too nice so I told her exactly what I thought but then she asked me: "Were you going to wish me on my birthday if we didn't talk until then?"

 

I said: "Probably not". She then says I need to tell you something but I don't want to hurt you. I said, go ahead, since she already started to mention it anyway and I just want to be done with it before we all move on.

 

Then she drops this on me. She also tells me how serious it is as a relationship, both parents know, sisters and family know and approve of the relationship. They go out, a lot, sleep over a lot and stuff like that.

 

She told me all of this to a point I could not take it anymore and asked her gently but nicely that this is too much for me and if she cared (at least once) during our relationship, she has to realise that her breadcrumbs are hurting me and to stop any contact from now on.

Dexter,

Please take care of yourself.

I'm going to be blunt, this girl has an "evil bit*h" side to her.

The past is past. Her behavior now is not constructive to you.

Forget her unless she does some serious amends....

Hang in. It gets better.

[Simon Phoenix]

Technically, I should have been in the dark over many things, but I know what I know and I won't forget it anytime soon. I am just sad, depressed and feel like this is it for me, I have hit rock-bottom.

 

Well, if you don't block, there will be more rock bottoms to go. It just depends how much you're willing to continue to sabotage yourself. You can stop this cycle. You just have to nut up and do it.

[ravfour4]

She's weak. You wanted to be with this woman forever and you still care and you're trying not to give up on her even when she's hurt you terribly. You just need to come to realize that she's not worth it anymore and that trying to get her back is solely hurting you.

[candie13]

Thanks. I went through that phase already. Posting pics to show her I have moved on when I clearly have not. So I really don't know what else is there left to do than suffer through all this. The truth is she is leading a much more enjoyable life than me right now.

this is what you think, but that is not the truth. You do not know what the truth is. She may be enjoying it more now, with her summer holiday, but you will be enjoying it forever, after you succeed with your studies. You are building something for yourself which is far FAR more important and precious, in your life. Trust me, in 5 years time you won't remember this incident, but you'll thank yourself everyday for having stuck to your guns, did the hard job and then picked the fruit of your hard work at school, by getting yourself a higher education

 

Working for Emirates in Dubai, super cheap air tickets, going to New Zealand for her birthday with her new partner while I'm sitting in front of my laptop every day, alone, trying to work, trying to study and it's getting increasingly harder day by day.

 

I understand. you need to break the routine and break the ruminating. You're blocked in a negative mental spiral that is dragging you down. Ever thought about talking to a therapist? Situations like these may trigger depression episodes and it's a lot more difficult and time consuming to treat that, after depression kicked in. I suggest awareness meditation, running (endorphines kicking in), change of schedule that MUST include something you like everyday (a sort of a secret prize) as well as therapy. Just some suggestions

 

My photos and life updates do not matter to her. She doesn't care what I'm going through

.

You should not care about what matters to her or not. You are your only concern. What you want. What you feel. What you think.

 

She knows her life is much more exciting than me.

she knows nothing, mate. She is simply living her life. Not thinking about you or anything. She is just singlemindedly minding her own business. You should too.

 

She knows exactly what I have been through because she was here with me. She knows how much I was looking forward to traveling with her.

So then you agree that she is rubbing it in. that is not sensitive or kind or grown up.That is plain CRUEL. Why give her the satisfaction to see you down and more importantly, to get you down? Respect is not offered spontaneously, respect is EARNED. Earn your respect, in front of your own eyes. Say NO to any form of contact.

 

The truth is, all of this, is breaking me a lot and I have to go on for the next three weeks knowing she will be with the other guy in NZ on her birthday. How am I supposed to cope with all of this?

easy, by keeping busy and focusing on your recovery. It is a full time job. Exercise, friends, maybe even some suppliments with St John's Wort - that is immensely helpful in regulating your mood.

 

I am just a regular guy, who loved her deeply and planned my entire life with her. I am just a guy with a heart and she broke it into a million pieces.

 

wrong, that is not your identity, that is a temporary state you are going through. Be very careful with your statements, because the more you hear yourself saying them, the more you believe them. Change that.

 

The above statement is only a temporary state of who you are. You are also an honest man, with strong values and integrity who wants to love and seeks to be truly loved back. An authentic, upstanding man. Strong. Faithful. Worthy of love. Capable to love. That is what you ARE, generally speaking. Do you understand the difference?

[DexterLS]

Dexter,

Please take care of yourself.

I'm going to be blunt, this girl has an "evil bit*h" side to her.

The past is past. Her behavior now is not constructive to you.

Forget her unless she does some serious amends....

Hang in. It gets better.

 

I'll try. Thank you for your response.

 

Well, if you don't block, there will be more rock bottoms to go. It just depends how much you're willing to continue to sabotage yourself. You can stop this cycle. You just have to nut up and do it.

 

I think this was it for me. I am going to attempt NC and I have told her specifically to cut all ties with me. I did that gently and parted ways on good terms although it's killing me inside. I don't think she's going to come back anyway.

 

She's weak. You wanted to be with this woman forever and you still care and you're trying not to give up on her even when she's hurt you terribly. You just need to come to realize that she's not worth it anymore and that trying to get her back is solely hurting you.

 

You are right, mate. Thank you for your response.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think this was it for me. I am going to attempt NC and I have told her specifically to cut all ties with me. I did that gently and parted ways on good terms although it's killing me inside. I don't think she's going to come back anyway.

 

It's good that you told her, but you do need to realize that No Contact is an individual thing, not a two-person thing. It's not up to her to save you from yourself. It's on you to make the necessary steps to ensure that you can stay No Contact. That means blocking her everywhere. Don't depend on her to do the work that you individually need to do.

[DexterLS]

this is what you think, but that is not the truth. You do not know what the truth is. She may be enjoying it more now, with her summer holiday, but you will be enjoying it forever, after you succeed with your studies. You are building something for yourself which is far FAR more important and precious, in your life. Trust me, in 5 years time you won't remember this incident, but you'll thank yourself everyday for having stuck to your guns, did the hard job and then picked the fruit of your hard work at school, by getting yourself a higher education

 

 

 

I understand. you need to break the routine and break the ruminating. You're blocked in a negative mental spiral that is dragging you down. Ever thought about talking to a therapist? Situations like these may trigger depression episodes and it's a lot more difficult and time consuming to treat that, after depression kicked in. I suggest awareness meditation, running (endorphines kicking in), change of schedule that MUST include something you like everyday (a sort of a secret prize) as well as therapy. Just some suggestions

 

.

You should not care about what matters to her or not. You are your only concern. What you want. What you feel. What you think.

 

 

she knows nothing, mate. She is simply living her life. Not thinking about you or anything. She is just singlemindedly minding her own business. You should too.

 

 

So then you agree that she is rubbing it in. that is not sensitive or kind or grown up.That is plain CRUEL. Why give her the satisfaction to see you down and more importantly, to get you down? Respect is not offered spontaneously, respect is EARNED. Earn your respect, in front of your own eyes. Say NO to any form of contact.

 

 

easy, by keeping busy and focusing on your recovery. It is a full time job. Exercise, friends, maybe even some suppliments with St John's Wort - that is immensely helpful in regulating your mood.

 

 

 

wrong, that is not your identity, that is a temporary state you are going through. Be very careful with your statements, because the more you hear yourself saying them, the more you believe them. Change that.

 

The above statement is only a temporary state of who you are. You are also an honest man, with strong values and integrity who wants to love and seeks to be truly loved back. An authentic, upstanding man. Strong. Faithful. Worthy of love. Capable to love. That is what you ARE, generally speaking. Do you understand the difference?

 

Thanks Candie. I appreciate your response. I think you made some really good points that will really help me moving forward.

 

The only thing I am proud of, about myself, is I never lost track of my career goals. I am going to strive hard and do this and although this is going to be much harder now, im gonna do it.

[DexterLS]

It's good that you told her, but you do need to realize that No Contact is an individual thing, not a two-person thing. It's not up to her to save you from yourself. It's on you to make the necessary steps to ensure that you can stay No Contact. That means blocking her everywhere. Don't depend on her to do the work that you individually need to do.

 

I agree. I will try harder now. The next few weeks is going to be hell, especially since her birthday is coming up but that's the only thing left to do.

 

Thanks again.

[DexterLS]

Hi guys,

 

I e-mailed my therapist and she replied with the following:

 

"Can you see now that she doesn’t care about your happiness? Her response: she won’t contact you at all because you took a stance. She still thinks she can punish or blackmail you. She simply is not worth it Dexter. You are so much better as a person, you deserve so much better. She is too immature and self-centered to make you happy. I’m being hard on her probably, but I’m being honest. Her words and actions show little evidence of her as a selfless person, trying to do right by you. Please take comfort in the fact that in future you will find a much more considerate partner."

 

and also advised me to say this:

"You are continuing to hurt me with your selfishness. I am not interested to have any kind of conversation with you, unless she is single again and not confused about your relationship. Until then, you need to allow me to be sane and get on with my life.

 

The decision for you to end up with me one day is not just up to you but up to me and at this rate I am no longer sure it’s what’s best for me."

 

to which my ex replied with:

"Ok, I won't bother you again".

 

Just thought I would let you guys know how this ends but to be honest with you this is what I honestly think:

 

I just think that if she just left and did nothing, I would have probably moved on a little more quickly. The truth is, she might just end up with Igor for life.

 

But I also can’t help but wonder, due to her patterns, that she might come back. I think her ego will prevent her from contacting me before her birthday. I think she wants to make that trip but once that is done, I do think she will get in touch some day.

 

I hope by that time that happens, I’m indifferent because clearly contact from her now or in the near future completely destabilises me and I seriously don’t want to get back into a depressive state since I have my Masters coming up in less than 6 weeks.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi guys,

 

I e-mailed my therapist and she replied with the following:

 

"Can you see now that she doesn’t care about your happiness? Her response: she won’t contact you at all because you took a stance. She still thinks she can punish or blackmail you. She simply is not worth it Dexter. You are so much better as a person, you deserve so much better. She is too immature and self-centered to make you happy. I’m being hard on her probably, but I’m being honest. Her words and actions show little evidence of her as a selfless person, trying to do right by you. Please take comfort in the fact that in future you will find a much more considerate partner."

 

and also advised me to say this:

"You are continuing to hurt me with your selfishness. I am not interested to have any kind of conversation with you, unless she is single again and not confused about your relationship. Until then, you need to allow me to be sane and get on with my life.

 

The decision for you to end up with me one day is not just up to you but up to me and at this rate I am no longer sure it’s what’s best for me."

 

to which my ex replied with:

"Ok, I won't bother you again".

 

Just thought I would let you guys know how this ends but to be honest with you this is what I honestly think:

 

I just think that if she just left and did nothing, I would have probably moved on a little more quickly. The truth is, she might just end up with Igor for life.

 

But I also can’t help but wonder, due to her patterns, that she might come back. I think her ego will prevent her from contacting me before her birthday. I think she wants to make that trip but once that is done, I do think she will get in touch some day.

 

I hope by that time that happens, I’m indifferent because clearly contact from her now or in the near future completely destabilises me and I seriously don’t want to get back into a depressive state since I have my Masters coming up in less than 6 weeks.

 

Stop analyzing your ex and block. All of that is colored bubbles. This woman cheated on you and flaunts it, and you are trying to predict whether she'll come back? You need to figure out why you are so eager to be back with such a person in the first place.

[dumbass2]

Your therapist, after getting the low down from you on everything that has gone on, should be asking about you and trying to help you figure out why you are even doing what you are doing with this woman right now. She needs to help you to get the bottom it. Right now the issue is not so much about your ex, but why you are in the place you are and thinking the way you are about someone that is so obviously not good for you. I'm not gonna play therapist and tell you what I think, but you should focus on this with your therapist and not what to be sending to your ex. This isn't about your ex any more, it's all about you and you are allowing this to happen to yourself.

Edited June 28, 2015 by dumbass2