Still Struggling

[Brigit]

Find anything interesting?

 

Actually no, it was just a retweet of some Star Wars joke. LOL

[toolforgrowth]

If your wife had a baby at 17 when she still was a baby then no good could come from that situation. (But then again I think people should stop procreating for the next 20 years since we have more children than we need. In the meantime, there are plenty of dogs and cats that need loving homes. But nobody listens to me. )

 

I could divorce my husband in search of passion but there is no guarantee that I'll find a man who'll satisfy those needs and I'm not a huge risk taker. Right now, the best thing I can aim for is inner peace.

 

Completely agree! Brigit for benevolent dictator! "I will run on a platform of putting birth control in every water supply."

 

How can I serve you, your Grace?

[Morro72]

Actually no, it was just a retweet of some Star Wars joke. LOL

Just as long as nobody thinks it was a cleverly-coded statement of longing for something-or-other.

[Brigit]

Completely agree! Brigit for benevolent dictator! "I will run on a platform of putting birth control in every water supply."

 

How can I serve you, your Grace?

 

First thing on the agenda is to locate all the main water supplies to begin birth control distribution. Then we'll need to get some great marketeers to begin spreading the "Childfree and Loving it" campaign.

 

[Brigit]

Just as long as nobody thinks it was a cleverly-coded statement of longing for something-or-other.

 

I don't see how Chewbacca in a hair commercial could be construed as longing for me...and if so, I'm majorly insulted.

[SoulStorm]

Last night my husband came home and we had a huge fight about MIL issues. Actually, it was more like he was yelling at me and I was trying to end the fight ASAP. He apologized about the yelling.

 

Today I checked OM's Twitter feed.

 

 

Bad Brigit

 

Go sit in the corner

[Brigit]

Bad Brigit

 

Go sit in the corner

 

 

I'm listening to Tara Brach and making good karma.

[SoulStorm]

 

I'm listening to Tara Brach and making good karma.

Good.

 

You have got to stop rebelling every time your husband makes you mad. You're not 4, your 40. Go to Tara...not Twitter...lol

[Brigit]

Good.

 

You have got to stop rebelling every time your husband makes you mad. You're not 4, your 40. Go to Tara...not Twitter...lol

 

I know. But my husband can be such a dIck sometimes that I feel this overwhelming rage. Sometimes I think I'd be better off single. I'm getting tired of putting up with my husbands nastiness. I unplugged my phone. I don't feel like speaking to him. Before he left for work I told him everything was fine and please don't call and apologize a million times. But he called anyway, twice, before I unplugged my phone. His apologizes aren't real apologizes anyway. He just wants to try and prevent me from feeling upset. He doesn't like it when I get depressed. I don't like being yelled at so if he wants me to be cheerful he probably shouldn't yell at me. I can't stop him from yelling at me when he's in the house but once he leaves I do how power over the phone. I know he's pissed off right now that he can't talk to me but I'm just not in the mood. I'll see him tonight when he gets home and I'm sure he'll be a lot calmer than he was yesterday.

 

I should have never stopped backpacking across Europe.

[SoulStorm]

Does your husband has Aspergers? Or is he bipolar? His emotions seem a bit unstable by what you describe.

[Brigit]

Does your husband has Aspergers? Or is he bipolar? His emotions seem a bit unstable by what you describe.

 

He has depression and anxiety which is being controlled by meds. He's on the dosage that he can handle without becoming a Zombi. He's not unstable he's just irritating. My MIL has always been a big issue in our marriage and this is usually what our fights are about. I don't want to go into the whole thing because it just makes me upset.

 

It's so freaking peaceful with the phone unplugged.

[toolforgrowth]

He has depression and anxiety which is being controlled by meds. He's on the dosage that he can handle without becoming a Zombi. He's not unstable he's just irritating. My MIL has always been a big issue in our marriage and this is usually what our fights are about. I don't want to go into the whole thing because it just makes me upset.

 

It's so freaking peaceful with the phone unplugged.

 

I really think in the long run you'll both be better off divorced. You unplugged your phone so you wouldn't have to talk to him. That says a lot.

[Brigit]

I really think in the long run you'll both be better off divorced. You unplugged your phone so you wouldn't have to talk to him. That says a lot.

 

If you want I'll give you his cell phone number and YOU can talk to him.

 

[SoulStorm]

If you want I'll give you his cell phone number and YOU can talk to him.

 

 

That bad huh?

[Brigit]

That bad huh?

 

I'm just mad at him right now. I'm becoming disillusioned about love, romance and passion. Maybe those things only happen in real life in your 20's.

 

You know, I never went looking for an affair. I met the OM on a Mental Health Site to talk with others who suffer from depression and anxiety. I gave myself a crazy name and acted very silly. The OM was a nice escape. I'd like a life that I wouldn't want to escape from and I don't think divorcing my husband is the answer. And I don't think finding another man is the answer. I don't think there is an answer.

 

I've overloaded my brain with Dharma talks in hopes of dealing with life more effectively. I'm on the right meds for my depression and anxiety. I've done two years IC a while back and I guess I can see a therapist again but again that's me whining about my problems and another person sitting back reflecting my words and forcing me to come up with my own answers. I'm frustrated.

Edited June 4, 2015 by Brigit

[toolforgrowth]

If you want I'll give you his cell phone number and YOU can talk to him.

 

 

He's YOUR husband. A husband that you don't want to talk to, on top of that.

 

If you can't even stomach a phone conversation from this man, why are you still married to him?

[SoulStorm]

You know, I never went looking for an affair.

 

Maybe you were subconsciously looking for one. You were looking for an escape.

If you weren't looking to have an affair....then you never would've had one. It didn't just fall in your lap...you had to do some pursuing also. You still pursue it even now Ms. Twitter stalker.

[Brigit]

He's YOUR husband. A husband that you don't want to talk to, on top of that.

 

If you can't even stomach a phone conversation from this man, why are you still married to him?

 

This isn't a good time to ask me that question. Right now I'm angry at him.

[Brigit]

Maybe you were subconsciously looking for one. You were looking for an escape.

If you weren't looking to have an affair....then you never would've had one. It didn't just fall in your lap...you had to do some pursuing also. You still pursue it even now Ms. Twitter stalker.

 

I only staked once today. And it was quick...so it sort of doesn't even count.

 

[Morro72]

Captain Obvious here to point out that depression really complicates relationships and that when both partners in a relationship are depressed things are lots more than twice as complicated. Add in an online involvement with yet another depressed person and I think my head just exploded trying to compute the possible difficulties. Remove depression entirely from the picture and I'd be happy to pile on here but as it is you have my sympathy.

[Brigit]

Captain Obvious here to point out that depression really complicates relationships and that when both partners in a relationship are depressed things are lots more than twice as complicated. Add in an online involvement with yet another depressed person and I think my head just exploded trying to compute the possible difficulties. Remove depression entirely from the picture and I'd be happy to pile on here but as it is you have my sympathy.

 

I hear you. Three fractured people trying to navigate life as best as they could.

 

For years I was embarrassed about my mental issues but it seems everyone has depression and anxiety now.

 

I felt broken when my husband decided to buy me that engagement ring and when I wore it I finally felt "normal." Getting married is probably the more normal thing I ever did. He loves me. And I do think my cyber boyfriend loved me as well. He wanted me to leave my husband and be with him. He wanted it in the beginning and he still wanted it almost five years later. Feeling so wanted like that for someone who feels broken is very validating. I have a small family and only few people in this world think I have value. It's hard to walk away from those who value you.

[Morro72]

... only few people in this world think I have value.

I hope you're one of them. If you're not one of them, I hope that changes. I would think it's really the key to everything else.

[Brigit]

I hope you're one of them. If you're not one of them, I hope that changes. I would think it's really the key to everything else.

 

I've never had too much self-confidence but I know how to "appear" as if I do, when needed. I was taught that I should have high self-esteem and if I didn't then I'd get eaten by two legged sharks.

 

I tried to force myself to have high self-esteem but that didn't work. Perhaps most self-loath and pretend otherwise.

[BetrayedH]

I've never had too much self-confidence but I know how to "appear" as if I do, when needed. I was taught that I should have high self-esteem and if I didn't then I'd get eaten by two legged sharks.

 

I tried to force myself to have high self-esteem but that didn't work. Perhaps most self-loath and pretend otherwise.

 

Your lack of self-esteem and self-pride is what's key here. It makes you seek external validation. You're not happy with yourself. The validation provided by your husband apparently isn't enough either (even though he's sacrificed a lot to spend the rest of his life with you). You still feel a need for 'more.'

 

The way to build your self-pride is to only take actions of which you can be proud. And then you keep consistently doing that. When you consistently only take actions of which you can be proud, it is only a matter of time before your self-pride returns.

 

Conversely, if you take actions of which you are not proud, you can count on your self-pride to go into the toilet, especially if you keep it up.

 

Over so many years, you went pretty deep into the rabbit hole. That defines the past few years of your marriage.

 

But it doesn't need to define your marriage over a lifetime. And it doesn't have to define you as a person.

 

It does get down to your ongoing actions. Are you proud of those times when you lookup your fOM? You realize that it's a continuation of your wayward behaviors, right? You have a husband that's trying to forgive you, yet you still secretly sit and romanticize the affair. Are you proud of that? If not, perhaps you should actually knock it off. Entirely. Stop justifying this behavior that's so insulting to your husband. Stop minimizing it, saying ridiculous things like, it was so brief it doesn't count. Your husband has given you the gift of a second chance. Quit crapping all over it. Hold yourself accountable to actually stop doing those things that are disrespectful and shameful.

 

My suggestion is that everytime your OM enters your mind, you envision a stop sign. Force yourself to stop romanticizing this betrayal. Exercise control over your thoughts. Force yourself to redirect them. Where should you redirect them? Towards your husband and marriage. Commit to dedicating the next 5 minutes to him alone. Write him a nice note. Plan a weekend away. Think of a nice gift. Send HIM a flirty text or email.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side, bridgit. It's greener where you water it.

[Morro72]

Three fractured people trying to navigate life as best as they could.

 

You're getting lots of good advice here on what to do. Depending on how well the depression from which you and your husband suffer is being taken care of, some of this advice may be possible to follow and some of it may be much more difficult or even impossible to follow. The best advice I've seen for troubled relationships in which depression is a factor is to focus first on treating the depression, and I would think this is even more important when both partners are depressed.

 

I'm not suggesting that depression be used as an excuse for infidelity of any sort but rather that the quickest path to getting your obsession with your online affair under control may be by getting your and your husband's depression under better control.