66Charger Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) The post was meant to evoke empathy. Withdrawn Edited June 3, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Brigit, I feel compelled to pitch in. I know you came here because the other site is more pro-BS and anti-WS than LS is. As a BH myself, I want to do what I can to help. I know you're coming here looking for help without taking a horrific beating. I think you've taken your share of lumps online and now you're looking for something constructive. I can't say I blame you. Do you know if you even want to salvage your marriage? Are you trying because you feel compelled to? Or is it something that you really want? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 The post was meant to evoke empathy. Withdrawn ...you're joking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Brigit, I feel compelled to pitch in. I know you came here because the other site is more pro-BS and anti-WS than LS is. As a BH myself, I want to do what I can to help. I know you're coming here looking for help without taking a horrific beating. I think you've taken your share of lumps online and now you're looking for something constructive. I can't say I blame you. Do you know if you even want to salvage your marriage? Are you trying because you feel compelled to? Or is it something that you really want? First, I love my husband. He's my best friend and a good, kind, compassionate man which are qualities that I admire. In time, as I grow older, I believe my passion needs will fade. I've tried to bring him up to my level of passion in different ways. Sometimes it works. The OM had the same passion level as me and had the kinky streak which I liked very much. I have a dark side which I was able to express with him. My husband doesn't have these cravings, probably because he's a good man. The OM had a very abusive childhood as did I and this "game" we played was therapeutic in a way. But more destructive than therapeutic TBH. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I told my husband everything.The online affair lasted 4 1/2 years on and off but mostly off. Only the first year we were in daily contact but then we "broke up" for the remaining years. It was mostly fighting with a little sex thrown in. Honestly, I'm addicted to the intensity and drama more than anything. But I do miss the man. After 41/2 years you get to know someone really well and I know his birthday is coming up. The best present I can give him is to keep away. Could you elaborate on the mostly fighting? It seems you like conflict or you may be a proverbial drama queen. Does conflict give you a rush? Your husband appears to be a mild mannered man to an extent. Did you marry him because you were trying to get away from drama, yet you still find drama to be exciting because you are familiar with it from childhood? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Could you elaborate on the mostly fighting? It seems you like conflict or you may be a proverbial drama queen. Does conflict give you a rush? Your husband appears to be a mild mannered man to an extent. Did you marry him because you were trying to get away from drama, yet you still find drama to be exciting because you are familiar with it from childhood? My husband has a temper. However, his temper usually pisses me off. He comes across as a scary & obnoxious child. So he's not mild mannered at all. The fighting with my cyber boyfriend was different. There was a lot of passion involved and he would try to play mind manipulation games on me. My father is Narcissistic with Antisocial traits so I've been around this type of pathology forever. I knew when he was gamming me and I got a charge out of figuring out how to diffuse his temper and argument with clever responses. I liked the look on his face when I "one-uped" him. I come across as very sweet and perhaps not so bright but that is my disguise. Never let them see you coming. Play naive at first as see what they do. I was in the entertainment field for a while and studied both acting and psychology; plus, I'm passionate and witty. I was able to take this "Gang Guy" who viewed me as easy prey and show him I wasn't. But to keep up this "sex war' isn't easy and it takes an emotional toll. It played too much into my dark side and I was becoming someone I didn't like. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 My husband has a temper. However, his temper usually pisses me off. He comes across as a scary & obnoxious child. So he's not mild mannered at all. The fighting with my cyber boyfriend was different. There was a lot of passion involved and he would try to play mind manipulation games on me. My father is Narcissistic with Antisocial traits so I've been around this type of pathology forever. I knew when he was gamming me and I got a charge out of figuring out how to diffuse his temper and argument with clever responses. I liked the look on his face when I "one-uped" him. I come across as very sweet and perhaps not so bright but that is my disguise. Never let them see you coming. Play naive at first as see what they do. I was in the entertainment field for a while and studied both acting and psychology; plus, I'm passionate and witty. I was able to take this "Gang Guy" who viewed me as easy prey and show him I wasn't. But to keep up this "sex war' isn't easy and it takes an emotional toll. It played too much into my dark side and I was becoming someone I didn't like. Ok..This looks like daddy issues. Dad gamed you,now you like to try to one up any man who tries to do what your dad did to you. Looks like you kind of look for it. It would be wise to stop this because you could run up on the wrong person to do it with. Do you see that you maybe were doing it (online affair)to get back at your husband for his childish temper? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Ok..This looks like daddy issues. Dad gamed you,now you like to try to one up any man who tries to do what your dad did to you. Looks like you kind of look for it. It would be wise to stop this because you could run up on the wrong person to do it with. Do you see that you maybe were doing it (online affair)to get back at your husband for his childish temper? I was doing it for many reasons SoulStorm. (Love that name BTW.) 1. Sexual Validation and Attention my DOC 2. Boredom 3. Revenge at husband for putting other issues before me. MIL was like the OW. 4. Sexual Frustration 5. Curiosity And probably a lot of other things mixed in. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I was doing it for many reasons SoulStorm. (Love that name BTW.) 1. Sexual Validation and Attention my DOC 2. Boredom 3. Revenge at husband for putting other issues before me. MIL was like the OW. 4. Sexual Frustration 5. Curiosity And probably a lot of other things mixed in. OK, I got why the Affair happened. Now what is your path to move forward and work on your marriage? I think that dealing too much on the affair, other then it happened and answering questions with your husband, takes from "fixing" or improving your relationship with you H. So what steps are you taking? NOS should be first. I think you are ready for the final step of not looking at anything he does, but after that, so you do not fall into to this again, what is your plain? Wish you luck. 2355 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 OK, I got why the Affair happened. Now what is your path to move forward and work on your marriage? I think that dealing too much on the affair, other then it happened and answering questions with your husband, takes from "fixing" or improving your relationship with you H. So what steps are you taking? NOS should be first. I think you are ready for the final step of not looking at anything he does, but after that, so you do not fall into to this again, what is your plain? Wish you luck. 2355 I appreciate your help. I didn't get this type of feedback on the other site. My goal is to NEVER contact the OM again. TBH I will check his twitter account from time to time (for now) and hopefully one day not at all. The ultimate goal is to put him in the past and rarely think about him at all and to NEVER repeat this behavior again. So far this is what I've been working on with my husband: 1. Disclosed the whole affair 2. Made a commitment to be monogamous. No Online Boyfriends. Period. (Real life affairs were never an issue.) 3. Make more efforts to date and have sex with husband and put more fun back into our relationship. This last one is were we are getting into a bit of trouble. But at least it's better than before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I appreciate your help. I didn't get this type of feedback on the other site. My goal is to NEVER contact the OM again. TBH I will check his twitter account from time to time (for now) and hopefully one day not at all. The ultimate goal is to put him in the past and rarely think about him at all and to NEVER repeat this behavior again. So far this is what I've been working on with my husband: 1. Disclosed the whole affair 2. Made a commitment to be monogamous. No Online Boyfriends. Period. (Real life affairs were never an issue.) 3. Make more efforts to date and have sex with husband and put more fun back into our relationship. This last one is were we are getting into a bit of trouble. But at least it's better than before. You may not think so, but every time you check his twitter he is winning the mind game over you. He has this control and it's not really him, it's the "idea" of what he represents to you. It's good that you are working toward the complete NC. However you are still in the affair, so to speak, if you can't cut all ties. How do you expect to really get anywhere with your husband if you can't really stop checking in on your affair partner? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 You may not think so, but every time you check his twitter he is winning the mind game over you. He has this control and it's not really him, it's the "idea" of what he represents to you. It's good that you are working toward the complete NC. However you are still in the affair, so to speak, if you can't cut all ties. How do you expect to really get anywhere with your husband if you can't really stop checking in on your affair partner? I don't know. But even talking about checking his twitter account makes me want to check it. I checked it yesterday but not today. I'm struggling. How do you make yourself not want to do something you want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Brigit, You know me from the other site. I don't know that I have any good advice for you, but I sure am wishing you the best on your journey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I don't know. But even talking about checking his twitter account makes me want to check it. I checked it yesterday but not today. I'm struggling. How do you make yourself not want to do something you want to do? When you want to check on the OM, check or call your husband instead. Find things to do to take your mind off the AP. Most of the times it's going to take sheer will power and determination. You say you love your husband, but do you respect him? Out of respect for you, your husband and your marriage, you should find it significant to end this affair for good 3 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 First, I love my husband. He's my best friend and a good, kind, compassionate man which are qualities that I admire. In time, as I grow older, I believe my passion needs will fade. I've tried to bring him up to my level of passion in different ways. Sometimes it works. The OM had the same passion level as me and had the kinky streak which I liked very much. I have a dark side which I was able to express with him. My husband doesn't have these cravings, probably because he's a good man. The OM had a very abusive childhood as did I and this "game" we played was therapeutic in a way. But more destructive than therapeutic TBH. Whatever this passion of yours is, what are you going to do if it doesn't wane like you're hoping? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man knowing he is unable/unwilling to fix his share of the problems? You said he has a bad temper. Does it manifest regularly? Is it something you can tolerate indefinitely since he's refused counseling? What do you feel are your true reasons for wanting to reconcile? And has your husband treated you any differently since you confessed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Brigit, You know me from the other site. I don't know that I have any good advice for you, but I sure am wishing you the best on your journey. Who were you on the other site? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Who were you on the other site? GTdad. ....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Whatever this passion of yours is, what are you going to do if it doesn't wane like you're hoping? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man knowing he is unable/unwilling to fix his share of the problems? You said he has a bad temper. Does it manifest regularly? Is it something you can tolerate indefinitely since he's refused counseling? What do you feel are your true reasons for wanting to reconcile? And has your husband treated you any differently since you confessed? I'm a realist. For one, I'm comfortable being a SAHW. I like my lifestyle. It isn't extravagant at all but it's simple and peaceful. I'm able to do my housework, pay the bills, decorate the home, take care of our one remaining dog and create in my garden. I have simple needs as far as day to day living. I'm not into eating out or going clothes shopping or going on vacations. Those things have little meaning to me. I do have a kinky streak which I was able to explore with my online boyfriend in a safe environment but that isn't available to me anymore. I don't have all the answers for my future but the most reasonable avenue is to make my marriage work. My husband is jealous and he doesn't even like other men looking at me so it will have to be monogamous which I understand. I wouldn't want him with other women either...I'm very jealous myself. Nothing is perfect. I'm taking it one step at a time and the step now is to refrain from checking OM's twitter account and trying to make my marriage more fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 GTdad. ....... Which site do you prefer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Which site do you prefer? Depends on the mood I'm in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 Depends on the mood I'm in. Apparently. I just read your comment on the "What's up with LoveShack" thread. LOL Busted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Apparently. I just read your comment on the "What's up with LoveShack" thread. LOL Busted. I can't get away with anything. But I sincerely hope you find the guidance you need here. Zoo or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I'm a realist. For one, I'm comfortable being a SAHW. I like my lifestyle. It isn't extravagant at all but it's simple and peaceful. I'm able to do my housework, pay the bills, decorate the home, take care of our one remaining dog and create in my garden. I have simple needs as far as day to day living. I'm not into eating out or going clothes shopping or going on vacations. Those things have little meaning to me. I do have a kinky streak which I was able to explore with my online boyfriend in a safe environment but that isn't available to me anymore. I don't have all the answers for my future but the most reasonable avenue is to make my marriage work. My husband is jealous and he doesn't even like other men looking at me so it will have to be monogamous which I understand. I wouldn't want him with other women either...I'm very jealous myself. Nothing is perfect. I'm taking it one step at a time and the step now is to refrain from checking OM's twitter account and trying to make my marriage more fun. So, because you're a realist, you're acknowledging that because you're a SAHW, you need your husband to take care of you? Is that your motivation behind wanting to save your M? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brigit Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 So, because you're a realist, you're acknowledging that because you're a SAHW, you need your husband to take care of you? Is that your motivation behind wanting to save your M? Since I know you and your feelings on money and marriage I'm a little weary of telling you my feelings. Are you going to smack me down or are you going to try and understand my POV? I have no problem talking to you but I REFUSE to be scolded about my decisions. You should know this, I'm a fair person who cares about my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) Since I know you and your feelings on money and marriage I'm a little weary of telling you my feelings. Are you going to smack me down or are you going to try and understand my POV? I have no problem talking to you but I REFUSE to be scolded about my decisions. You should know this, I'm a fair person who cares about my husband. No smack down intended. Truthfully, I'd hate for you to resign yourself to a married life with a man you're just not that into for the sake of a comfortable life. ETA: I don't think that would be fair to either you or your BH. What I'm trying to say is don't stay out of fear...stay because it's what you WANT. Edited June 3, 2015 by toolforgrowth Link to post Share on other sites
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