Still Struggling

[Brigit]

No smack down intended. Truthfully, I'd hate for you to resign yourself to a married life with a man you're just not that into for the sake of a comfortable life.

 

I love him and I'm in love with him. He's my best friend and a man who is filled with love and compassion. He makes me laugh and I enjoy his company.

 

Our sexual desires are different. I'm not into the physical pain of BDSM but I like verbal banter. I like a lot of dirty scary talk and an aggressive partner who'll take control. This isn't my husband. I can't help what I like and he can't help what he likes. I try to get him into it and sometimes he is a little aggressive but not the kind that gets me crazy. So that is what it is.

[toolforgrowth]

I love him and I'm in love with him. He's my best friend and a man who is filled with love and compassion. He makes me laugh and I enjoy his company.

 

Our sexual desires are different. I'm not into the physical pain of BDSM but I like verbal banter. I like a lot of dirty scary talk and an aggressive partner who'll take control. This isn't my husband. I can't help what I like and he can't help what he likes. I try to get him into it and sometimes he is a little aggressive but not the kind that gets me crazy. So that is what it is.

 

Are you still sexually attracted to him?

[Brigit]

Are you still sexually attracted to him?

 

I'm attracted to him. He's very good looking. If he acted more sexual that would be a turn on.

 

Look...nothings perfect.

[RightThere]

Like I said before I don't have a twitter account I just google his tweets. I need to stop doing that but I get curious as to what he's up to.

 

I have kept away now for 2 months. I think that is a record since I usually contact him at least once a month.

 

You have not kept away from him. You are checking his Twitter feed. You have probably just not talked to him in 2 months.

 

But doing those things is a slippery slope to get back in the habit and escalate the "checking in on him" stuff.

 

It's cold turkey or nothing. You can't be a casual crack addict.

[understand50]

I appreciate your help. I didn't get this type of feedback on the other site. My goal is to NEVER contact the OM again. TBH I will check his twitter account from time to time (for now) and hopefully one day not at all. The ultimate goal is to put him in the past and rarely think about him at all and to NEVER repeat this behavior again.

 

 

So far this is what I've been working on with my husband:

 

1. Disclosed the whole affair

2. Made a commitment to be monogamous. No Online Boyfriends. Period. (Real life affairs were never an issue.)

3. Make more efforts to date and have sex with husband and put more fun back into our relationship.

 

This last one is were we are getting into a bit of trouble. But at least it's better than before.

 

Brigit,

 

OK, so I think that you have enough folks telling you to lay off the OM and do not follow him. You can do it.

 

But, I think you need to put some thought into #3. How are you going to do this? IT looks like you will have to take the lead. A Date night? Set day for Sex? These may be good baby steps to get going. Remember that once you start, you must follow up and make it a regular habit. Miss one date, do not miss the next. Soon it will become a regular habit, you can do some stuff for a while, but you can not let it slip, and fall back into bad habits.

 

Good Luck 3974

[turnera]

I'm here to work out why I did what I did not be a piñata.

That's the risk you take coming to a forum.

 

That said, to help you with your question, let me first ask: how old are you?

[Brigit]

You have not kept away from him. You are checking his Twitter feed. You have probably just not talked to him in 2 months.

 

But doing those things is a slippery slope to get back in the habit and escalate the "checking in on him" stuff.

 

It's cold turkey or nothing. You can't be a casual crack addict.

 

I understand. But right now if I feel too overwhelmed looking at the Twitter feed usually calms me down.

[Brigit]

That's the risk you take coming to a forum.

 

That said, to help you with your question, let me first ask: how old are you?

 

I understand the risk and I also will not speak to anyone who is disrespectful. Just because you sit behind a computer it doesn't mean you aren't accountable for what you say.

 

I'm 46 now. I met my husband when I was 26.

[turnera]

How do you make yourself not want to do something you want to do?

And to answer this question, you start replacing it with things that you want even MORE.

 

For instance, since your H isn't adventurous, I suggest you getting hold of this book. It has 'invitations' you two give each other, in which you set up a particular 'event' for the other person, where you kind of try out new things. One that I remember that's easy to describe is the woman invites the man to a room and is told to bring only a can of whipped cream. She, meanwhile, gets some fruit, a string and needle. She strings the fruit along the string and when it's time for the event, she sets the mood in the room (music, candles, etc.), takes off all her clothes, and wraps the string around her, complete with fruit. When he gets there, she's lying on the bed, waiting, and invites him to sample the fruit - with his whipped cream and his mouth.

 

It's a great way to get people outside their comfort zones and find new ways to enjoy each other. It's 52 invitations, one for each week of the year.

[SoulStorm]

I understand. But right now if I feel too overwhelmed looking at the Twitter feed usually calms me down.

 

 

I know it's hard but you must refrain from that also. What you just said is equivalent to a recovering crack addict saying;

 

" I know I am crashing, but smelling crack smoke calms me down"

 

You can do this without using the OM as a crutch. I know I sound like a broken record, but NC cold turkey is crucial. It's very difficult, but worth it in the end.

[turnera]

I understand the risk and I also will not speak to anyone who is disrespectful. Just because you sit behind a computer it doesn't mean you aren't accountable for what you say.

 

I'm 46 now. I met my husband when I was 26.

I was going to guess you were around 45.

 

Ok, here comes one of my generalizations you all hate so much. The 20s are when you do what you've been told to do. The 30s are when you start feeling safe and adult enough to buck the system and asking yourself what you really want out of life. The 40s are when you stop fearing things and just start DOING what you want; it's also when you start considering your mortality, the whole 'I only get one life, is this all I'm going to get?' and so you look outside your bubble. And you're more susceptible to things like a shiny new toy online who you can be your alternate persona with.

 

But of course, in your situation, your crazy dad and your repressed feelings about being raised by him are throwing a wrench in everything. That'll take a lot more digging to uncover.

[Brigit]

I know it's hard but you must refrain from that also. What you just said is equivalent to a recovering crack addict saying;

 

" I know I am crashing, but smelling crack smoke calms me down"

 

You can do this without using the OM as a crutch. I know I sound like a broken record, but NC cold turkey is crucial. It's very difficult, but worth it in the end.

 

That is the goal. I do fall off the wagon at times. And it's dangerous to even talk about it because now that we are talking about it I want to check his tweets. LOL They aren't very interesting, mostly video game stuff and some political rants retweeted from others. I do it mostly to check to see if he's still alive. In the end of the relationship he didn't even want me taking my clothes off. He wanted a "proper relationship" and got upset if I said "I miss you." I try not to think of those things.

[viciouscircle]

That is the goal. I do fall off the wagon at times. And it's dangerous to even talk about it because now that we are talking about it I want to check his tweets. LOL They aren't very interesting, mostly video game stuff and some political rants retweeted from others. I do it mostly to check to see if he's still alive. In the end of the relationship he didn't even want me taking my clothes off. He wanted a "proper relationship" and got upset if I said "I miss you." I try not to think of those things.

 

In general I hate FB and twitter but after my stbx left I would occasionally check or look around at her friends or families stuff just to see if any mention of my stbx or our situation was happening. I didn't do it often but at times especially in the beginning I would have to make a real conscious effort to not do it. Its far too easy to type something in a search engine at times.

 

 

For me I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't doing myself any good. It didn't matter if they made mention or I got a piece of information out of looking around. I wasn't a part of that her life any longer. When the urge would strike me I ask myself what were really my goals, what did I think I would see etc. I guess for myself going thru the mental checklist of the whys would override the emotional impulse to look.

[Brigit]

I was going to guess you were around 45.

 

Ok, here comes one of my generalizations you all hate so much. The 20s are when you do what you've been told to do. The 30s are when you start feeling safe and adult enough to buck the system and asking yourself what you really want out of life. The 40s are when you stop fearing things and just start DOING what you want; it's also when you start considering your mortality, the whole 'I only get one life, is this all I'm going to get?' and so you look outside your bubble. And you're more susceptible to things like a shiny new toy online who you can be your alternate persona with.

 

But of course, in your situation, your crazy dad and your repressed feelings about being raised by him are throwing a wrench in everything. That'll take a lot more digging to uncover.

 

He was more than a toy he was an alternate road to take. Because yeah I'm in my 40's how many more hot years do I have?

[Brigit]

In general I hate FB and twitter but after my stbx left I would occasionally check or look around at her friends or families stuff just to see if any mention of my stbx or our situation was happening. I didn't do it often but at times especially in the beginning I would have to make a real conscious effort to not do it. Its far too easy to type something in a search engine at times.

 

 

For me I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't doing myself any good. It didn't matter if they made mention or I got a piece of information out of looking around. I wasn't a part of that her life any longer. When the urge would strike me I ask myself what were really my goals, what did I think I would see etc. I guess for myself going thru the mental checklist of the whys would override the emotional impulse to look.

 

I can be impulsive; especially, if I just had a fight with my husband. Real life can be so irritating sometimes.

[turnera]

Because yeah I'm in my 40's how many more hot years do I have?

Is that seriously how you think? That you only have something to offer if you are hot or sexy?

 

This 87-year-old woman is probably sexier than you and me combined.

Shirley Claire | Video | America?s Got Talent | NBC

 

It has nothing to do with looks. You sell yourself short if that's your barometer.

[toolforgrowth]

He was more than a toy he was an alternate road to take. Because yeah I'm in my 40's how many more hot years do I have?

 

I think my xWW had a similar thought process when she engaged in her A. She said it was unfair that I got to have fun at college but she couldn't because she got knocked up at 17. I told her that's not my fault...it's hers.

 

This is why I was questioning you about really wanting to R, because I could see that this thought is still on the forefront of your mind.

 

I can't shake the feeling that if you really dig deep inside, you'll discover that your H just doesn't do it for you. I could be wrong, but that feeling is pretty strong.

[Brigit]

Is that seriously how you think? That you only have something to offer if you are hot or sexy?

 

This 87-year-old woman is probably sexier than you and me combined.

Shirley Claire | Video | America?s Got Talent | NBC

 

It has nothing to do with looks. You sell yourself short if that's your barometer.

 

Let's face it men like it hot. I don't want to get into a whole discussion about looks and desirability because that was talked to death on another site.

[Brigit]

I think my xWW had a similar thought process when she engaged in her A. She said it was unfair that I got to have fun at college but she couldn't because she got knocked up at 17. I told her that's not my fault...it's hers.

 

This is why I was questioning you about really wanting to R, because I could see that this thought is still on the forefront of your mind.

 

I can't shake the feeling that if you really dig deep inside, you'll discover that your H just doesn't do it for you. I could be wrong, but that feeling is pretty strong.

 

Was the baby yours?

 

I didn't marry my husband for passion. I knew what I was getting into.

[Brigit]

Last night my husband came home and we had a huge fight about MIL issues. Actually, it was more like he was yelling at me and I was trying to end the fight ASAP. He apologized about the yelling.

 

Today I checked OM's Twitter feed.

[understand50]

Last night my husband came home and we had a huge fight about MIL issues. Actually, it was more like he was yelling at me and I was trying to end the fight ASAP. He apologized about the yelling.

 

Today I checked OM's Twitter feed.

 

Well, Checking the Twitter feed after a fight with the Husband, not a good thing. Put this down as "you should, and can do better". In the future try and find something to substitute. How about "make up" sex? Do not beat yourself up, just try and do better next time. It will take time. Try and go one month with out looking him up. If you succeed, reward yourself. Pick the reward before hand so you have something to look forward to.

 

BTW: This site may have ideas on reconnecting with your husband. It is from the mans point of view, but I have found it useful.

 

The Art of Manliness

 

May have things your husband can use. The DIY MC may be helpful. I also found the pages on "fighting fair" helpful.

 

Good Luck 985

[Brigit]

Well, Checking the Twitter feed after a fight with the Husband, not a good thing. Put this down as "you should, and can do better". In the future try and find something to substitute. How about "make up" sex? Do not beat yourself up, just try and do better next time. It will take time. Try and go one month with out looking him up. If you succeed, reward yourself. Pick the reward before hand so you have something to look forward to.

 

BTW: This site may have ideas on reconnecting with your husband. It is from the mans point of view, but I have found it useful.

 

The Art of Manliness

 

May have things your husband can use. The DIY MC may be helpful. I also found the pages on "fighting fair" helpful.

 

Good Luck 985

 

 

I appreciate your help. I have a lot of anger towards my husband which is what provoked me to look at OM's twitter feed. When my husband yells at me it makes me feel like I want OUT of the marriage.

 

Life is so short and confusing. I listen to a lot of spiritual advisers, Tara Brach is one of my favorites. I'm trying to learn how to self sooth in healthy ways. I'm feeling a bit depressed from being yelled at last night. After being scolded I get very sleepy and my motivation declines.

[toolforgrowth]

Was the baby yours?

 

I didn't marry my husband for passion. I knew what I was getting into.

 

No, it wasn't mine.

 

You knew you weren't passionate about your husband, yet you still married him. That lack of passion led you to choose an affair. I think you'll be ripe for another affair at done point down the road if you don't get out.

 

Your husband is clearly hurting, and so are you.

 

Maybe it's best to end it amicably so you can find that passion.

[Morro72]

Today I checked OM's Twitter feed.

Find anything interesting?

[Brigit]

No, it wasn't mine.

 

You knew you weren't passionate about your husband, yet you still married him. That lack of passion led you to choose an affair. I think you'll be ripe for another affair at done point down the road if you don't get out.

 

Your husband is clearly hurting, and so are you.

 

Maybe it's best to end it amicably so you can find that passion.

 

If your wife had a baby at 17 when she still was a baby then no good could come from that situation. (But then again I think people should stop procreating for the next 20 years since we have more children than we need. In the meantime, there are plenty of dogs and cats that need loving homes. But nobody listens to me. )

 

I could divorce my husband in search of passion but there is no guarantee that I'll find a man who'll satisfy those needs and I'm not a huge risk taker. Right now, the best thing I can aim for is inner peace.