BS shame / Revelation terror

[beach]

Merm

 

I hope you can find your happiness - whatever that looks like for you.

 

I hope you keep doing the work with the counselor and continue moving forward.

 

 

Even if you decided to live separately - you should still be able to be great parents and grandparents all on your own.

 

I suppose it would be different suggestions if your H was capable of taking full responsibility for his behavior and capable of repairing the damage he's caused to you - but since he hasn't - how could anyone expect to feel hopeful? I'm not sure that's possible.

 

Hugs

[minimariah]

the shame you're feeling is actually normal.

we live in a victim - blaming society, after all.

 

people who get cheated on often feel shame because the act of infidelity IS humiliating, because they often feel like they somehow failed to keep their WS happy. it is a direct assault at one's confidence and self-esteem. folks feel like they weren't good enough & the pity from others doesn't help. they feel like they failed, like they didn't succeed at mantaing a good marriage, a good family.

 

it's an irrational feeling but expected, due to the society you live in. many other examples of a victim feeling shame when others did the harm.

 

now, you might feel shame because you yourself feel humiliated & really want to walk away. the shame might be coming from you betraying YOURSELF.

 

all of that being said... it's up to you to decide if you want to keep your H or not. don't keep him around because "he's family" or because it's "been years". if he doesn't make you the happiest woman on Earth, walk away. life is too short to settle for anything less.

Edited May 29, 2015 by minimariah

[fellini]

Shame, shaming, and ashamed.

 

You've been in LS about 3 years so you already know that reconciliation is the new shame as Perel puts it. Seen plenty of that in the past years from other BS'S who ought to if not know better, at least share the need for respect. So there is the shaming for staying. Ashamed is different. This is for me a harsh evaluation of where we are and recognition of our role in being here. At some point we forgive the WS on a certain level for their transgressions, but we need to forgive ourselves if we are to end feeling ashamed. Not about the affair necessarily, but about what we have become.

 

The shame of the infidelity, mixed in with family, this is something that cannot be resolved by telling or not. It hangs over like a dark cloud and I suppose the question is do you want that others take a piece of that cloud off your shoulders. There is this burden you seem to carry, that is not your burden to carry alone. Yet you do.

 

Perhaps disclosure will allow you to unburden, to peel the layers away and to find some air on the other side. Not knowing what might happen, what you can and cannot control is, however, suffocating you. Perhaps a leap of faith in favour of disclosure.

Edited May 29, 2015 by fellini

[merrmeade]

like most people, after 5 affairs- two with family... one being your SIL -i too am dumbfounded as to why you want to stay with such a POS[pardon my "french," but that's what he seems to be.].

 

may this be your basis for feeling shame? sticking by such a man who was/is capable of such abhorrent behavior.

 

can you elaborate on who knows about that "one" incident that you have exposed. do the spouses/SO of these family friends know? this is an EXTREME form of cheating behavior by your husband. i wonder if the lack of exposure on your part contributed to his continued infidelity- you know... NO CONSEQUENCES.

Well, yeah.

 

You completely disregarded my request not to ask "why don’t I leave his sorry ass tomorrow?" questions. The profoundly insensitive "-i too am dumbfounded as to why you want to stay with such a POS" blew my question right out of the water. Good job, Artie. I felt exactly the shame and embarrassment I was wondering about. Question answered. No further discussion needed. Your reaction makes it clear to me that I do NOT want to put myself through this again or continue with this thread. I doubt that I'll feel like posting anything for a while in fact.

 

I didn't know who Artie Lange was, so I looked it up. explains why you have no problem ridiculing someone for the problem they started the thread about. And you're brow-beating when you say "this is an EXTREME form of cheating behavior by your husband."

 

So, yes, "the lack of exposure ... contributed to his continued infidelity- you know... NO CONSEQUENCES." Thanks for explaining; I did not realize that.

[sandylee1]

That's the point. I don't have any words. I'm trying to 'be' with this thing. I'm with this awful story. I shouldn't be and I don't disturb anyone's life by telling it.

 

My closest friend didn't want to get involved. The A was with family. It makes 'nice' people look trashy.

 

My kids only know about the one. We have a nice thing being grandparents, all living in the same town, new grandbaby, a third on the way. Everybody likes this. I like it. Why can't I be okay and forget?

 

Did you watch the Esther Perlman video?

 

I really hate to say this but do you have a dealbreaker in this marriage?

 

I've followed a few of your threads, but you staying with him tells him you'll never leave and he never really faces any consequences. What incentive does he have to ever stop cheating?

 

Affairs with family friends and family. .....you'rea stronger woman than me, I couldn't stay.

[elaine567]

I am NOT ready to act on anything. This is about shame (mine), and I need to move slowly, gently. I’m not going to respond to rough-shod posts that just reinforce the finger-pointing. The topic is NOT why did I reconcile or why don’t I leave his sorry ass tomorrow. I already said that I feel like a sorry chicken, so it doesn’t help to call me a sorry chicken.

 

The topic is freeing myself of this shame and whether exposure helps or makes worse. Right now it seems like it would make it worse.

 

I guess the shame is two fold,

One, you are ashamed that YOUR partner doesn't/didn't seem to respect/love you enough to keep it in his trousers.

and

Two, you are ashamed that you have not had the courage to do what many would assume to be the "right thing" and walk away from this mess - clean and moving forward.

 

Exposing him for what he is, will reveal those deep "weaknesses" about YOU, so you choose to hide away, you choose "normality, you choose to keep the boat steady, but shame is actually killing you inside.

YOU stay for the family, for your kids, to keep up appearances, even perhaps to tell yourself that you have "won"-

others have had him but he is actually yours, but at what cost to you?

 

You are also petrified of getting out into that "big bad world", but that "big bad world" is actually in your house every day.

YOU are coping with far bigger obstacles and hurdles stuck at home - being triggered by him - than would present themselves, were you free from all this trauma and living alone.

[minimariah]

i also agree that staying IS a new shame.

 

people will show much less sympathy to those who stay & get cheated for the 2nd time, 3rd time... because "she knew what she was signing up for".

 

staying is seen as something that folks without a backbone do-- just look at LS and how many threads have been opened about "why won't she leave him! why is she staying! why does she keep taking him back" - people can't really comprehend when a BS stays after more than one infidelity. it's never about forgiveness to them, it doesn't even cross their mind... it's often "oh, she cares about what other people think, stays for a perfect image and perfect family" - people are BAFFLED when a BS stays.

 

it's just not expected of you. so yes, BSs are being shamed for "putting up" with it.

 

so that shame can also come from yourself -- think about your opinion on cheating and infidelity waaaaay back, when you were young and before you knew about As. what did you thought back then, did you think you'd be able to forgive?

[minimariah]

also, OP - shame is an incredibly powerful emotion. like Brene Brown said - it is a MASTER emotion. so i'm really glad you're acknowledging it and dealing with it - you're definitely on the road to recovery and you're moving in the right direction.

[Artie Lang]

i'm sorry you feel that way. it was not my intention to make you feel "ridiculed," really it wasn't. for that, i apologize.

[cocorico]

Mer, what would your ideal outcome be? Simply to shake off the shame, and have everything else the same as it is now? Or is it more than that - some deeper disconnect where you feel there are "no go" areas, or dark murky secrets you can't share, or constrained intimacy where you'd like greater openness?

 

If it's the former, I'd say, work through this on your own, it's a personal rather than a social issue, no need to muddy other relationships with it. But if it's the latter, and it's already impacting other relationships, then it is a social issue. I'm not saying disclosure is necessarily the way to go, even then, but you need to recognise it as not just your (s) problem, but all your (pl) problem. Which you may hold the key to addressing - if you want to. The risks may still outweigh the (potential) benefits, and that's for you to decide ultimately, but thinking through the social dimensions might help in weighing it up.

[fellini]

i also agree that staying IS a new shame.

 

people will show much less sympathy to those who stay & get cheated for the 2nd time, 3rd time... because "she knew what she was signing up for".

 

The shaming one gets for staying in LS begins with "thinking" about staying. It has little to do with staying and getting cheated on a 2nd time. It's an intolerance against those who don't hold a deal breaker mentality.

 

It takes enormous effort and will power not to be affected at any level by the avalanche of anti reconciliation discourse that once almost totally dominated LS but, notably, as of late, has calmed down.

 

In this sense OP's shame has possibly been feed from her spending quality time in LS that on the one hand, functions to help clarify things, and offer a community of support, but on the other, acts like a dagger cutting viciously against our strongest desires, to cling to some last straw of dignity, to believe in other people, to have hope.

 

Perhaps the real shame is only having THIS community to suffer with, and not the true family that one has in the "real" world.

[Lois_Griffin]

He trickle-truthed for 2 yrs, probably has toxic shame.

I don't think he has any shame at all. Someone who continually crosses boundaries for his own self satisfaction has very little shame.

 

I think he just wants you to shut up and forget about it. That doesn't equal shame. You seem to be the only one carrying the burden of any shame at all.

 

I won't call you a sorry chicken since you already say you know you're one. Who knows, maybe one day your 'shame' for staying with him will evaporate and you'll become stronger and decide to seek a better life.

 

Good luck to you.

[elaine567]

i also agree that staying IS a new shame.

 

people will show much less sympathy to those who stay & get cheated for the 2nd time, 3rd time... because "she knew what she was signing up for".

 

 

But are we not taught fundamentally as kids - if you stick your hand in the fire - you get burnt?

Anyone who is going to stick their hand in the fire again and again, getting more and more burnt and never learns, is an idiot or mad, and is therefore not worth wasting time and bothering about.

So apply that teaching, to a BS putting up with serial cheating, then it is no wonder people get annoyed and irritated, when their advice gets shunned by those who they see as "mad", "idiotic" people.

 

Many have been on the rocks with their boat, but they decided to change course - they turned a corner - they sailed into safe waters. They are now beckoning from their calm craft, "Come over here, have a swim, the water is lovely and warm."

 

They get understandably irritated, when they see boat after boat sailing by, throwing themselves onto the rocks, when they had a big sign up saying, "Stop, don't go there - come over here - you can have a swim and a glass of wine in safe waters."

[the_artist_1970]

In a nutshell: BH was a serial cheater for decades, five affairs I know about (no ILY, some sex), two with family, one with a friend. Family knows about only one.

 

He trickle-truthed for 2 yrs, probably has toxic shame. MC went nowhere. I gave up and started IC 6 mos ago.

 

IC really got to me yesterday with these exchanges:

• I said my WH's very presence is still a trigger, day in and day out. Therapist pointed out that I am a trigger for him as well, for his shame.
  
• I said I don't see real progress in trying to be normal, whole again. I see my entire married life as a lie, feel hopeless about getting over it, hate that he buries and denies and won't look at himself. I’m Humpty Dumpty and will never get put back together again.
  
• She disagreed and said I’ve been working and processing for 2-1/2 years, but it’s been a lot. I agreed and noted that the crap with my sister-in-law (last OW) was a separate issue, which only resolved after my brother's death. She said I’m in a trap and feeling it now because I'm at the top of the ‘trap,’ wanting out.
  
• The 'trap' is my 'shame' which I keep secret: BH’s other As with family/friend
  I've told no one but her. She invited me to think - just think - about sharing it.
  

 

Deterrents to exposure: Imagining the future, which is terrifying on a large scale and small. We didn't have time to flesh out the scenarios in IC, discussed it a little - what he would say, what I would do, what my kids would do, what his family would do, what it would be like to see him with another companion, what growing old alone would be like. Will start sloshing through this next time.

 

If anyone listened to the recent TED Talk by Esther Perlman, she talked about 'shame' of reconciling, not wanting others to know what you're 'settling' for.

 

I am NOT ready to act on anything. This is about shame (mine), and I need to move slowly, gently. I’m not going to respond to rough-shod posts that just reinforce the finger-pointing. The topic is NOT why did I reconcile or why don’t I leave his sorry ass tomorrow. I already said that I feel like a sorry chicken, so it doesn’t help to call me a sorry chicken.

 

The topic is freeing myself of this shame and whether exposure helps or makes worse. Right now it seems like it would make it worse.

 

Why are you ashamed for what he does? If you are an honest person with integrity who values your marriage and you are faithful to your husband, then why carry shame for his actions. When my DH had an affair, I exposed to everyone and I carried no shame for his behavior. His behavior was on him, not on me. Shame is a way of living in denial and not facing the true reality. You are not responsible for what anyone else does. You can only be responsible for your own behavior.

[jnel921]

Well, yeah.

 

You completely disregarded my request not to ask "why don’t I leave his sorry ass tomorrow?" questions. The profoundly insensitive "-i too am dumbfounded as to why you want to stay with such a POS" blew my question right out of the water. Good job, Artie. I felt exactly the shame and embarrassment I was wondering about. Question answered. No further discussion needed. Your reaction makes it clear to me that I do NOT want to put myself through this again or continue with this thread. I doubt that I'll feel like posting anything for a while in fact.

 

I didn't know who Artie Lange was, so I looked it up. explains why you have no problem ridiculing someone for the problem they started the thread about. And you're brow-beating when you say "this is an EXTREME form of cheating behavior by your husband."

 

So, yes, "the lack of exposure ... contributed to his continued infidelity- you know... NO CONSEQUENCES." Thanks for explaining; I did not realize that.

 

mermeade,

 

Please do not be discouraged or get upset over the responses you get here. They are all opinions and everyone has one. No one here knows you and your situation. I am sure you are here just like most of us to understand what happened to us. To look into all sides of infidelity. When we marry our SO we do not expect to get hurt like this. When we do its a very traumatizing experience and your relationship will change.

 

For those of us who stay and R there is a lot of things we have to work through. It's not easy and yes it takes years. One poster here probably said it best that our own shame as BS is betraying ourselves. Never in a million years thinking you would stay with someone capable of hurting you and trusting that they can ever love you the same.

 

It's a process. A long one. I think individually we all know how much we can handle. If your H and M isn't working, you will know and you will leave. When you do you can say that you exhausted every resource and tried everything possible to try to make it work.

 

If your H is committed to your M now and proves to you that the rest of your lives will be better than that is great.

 

Either way you have to open your heart and mind to either situation. Always remember that you come first. If you aren't happy then you know what to do.

 

You are trying to understand your feelings and sometimes it's tough because they can really put a block on the R process. Everyone here has been through different things. I have read and posted on Ls for 11 years and I can tell you that I recognize when I am given great advice. Even if it's something I don't want to hear. We all have heard something. Don't let it get to you. So not worth it.

[velvette]

i also agree that staying IS a new shame.

 

people will show much less sympathy to those who stay & get cheated for the 2nd time, 3rd time... because "she knew what she was signing up for".

 

staying is seen as something that folks without a backbone do-- just look at LS and how many threads have been opened about "why won't she leave him! why is she staying! why does she keep taking him back" - people can't really comprehend when a BS stays after more than one infidelity. it's never about forgiveness to them, it doesn't even cross their mind... it's often "oh, she cares about what other people think, stays for a perfect image and perfect family" - people are BAFFLED when a BS stays.

 

it's just not expected of you. so yes, BSs are being shamed for "putting up" with it.

 

so that shame can also come from yourself -- think about your opinion on cheating and infidelity waaaaay back, when you were young and before you knew about As. what did you thought back then, did you think you'd be able to forgive?

 

 

Yes, this is all true. But, its not really that new imo. Victim blaming has been around forever. The only reason it seems new is that it is never spoken about with one shrill voice by the culture at large until a subject that has never been talked about in "polite society" takes center stage out in the open.

 

 

The way rape victims are blamed is a perfect example. The victim blaming related to infidelity started imo when the Bill & Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal broke in the media. Everyone was forced whether they wanted to or not to take a position on this issue. And, so everyone did.

 

 

Blaming victims is about warding off our own deep seated fears that the same horrible thing that happened to the victim could happen to us.

[gettingstronger]

Shame, fear, pity- not sure which of these to call it- but it does play a role in disclosing- some people feel empowered by disclosure-

 

For me, the driving factor is I just do not want anyone else involved in this already messy situation- I don't want well-meaning or even mean spirited people having an opinion on what I should and should not do in terms of reconciliation- I think with disclosure comes the unwritten invitation to tell me what they think of the situation-

[velvette]

I don't think he has any shame at all. Someone who continually crosses boundaries for his own self satisfaction has very little shame.

 

I think he just wants you to shut up and forget about it. That doesn't equal shame. You seem to be the only one carrying the burden of any shame at all.

 

I won't call you a sorry chicken since you already say you know you're one. Who knows, maybe one day your 'shame' for staying with him will evaporate and you'll become stronger and decide to seek a better life.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

My guess is you are wrong. More than likely he has toxic shame crippling him that predates his marriage.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Mer,

 

Shame can be from both parties.

 

I feel shame for my actions, shame for harming someone I love, shame for hurting ou relationship. His shame is even greater to deal with because if exposed questions to his manhood are bandied about. Our shame becomes fodder for after dinner entertainment. Our actions are debated and judged every word is now dissected for nuances of meaning, "do you think she was hitting on you" , "I always knew she was like that" "boy guy can't probably get it up, or satisfy her" and on and on and on.

 

We have friends who exposed the affair, she is looked at with sympathy, he is viewed with disgust. As he tries to win back not only her affections but the respect of friends and family they have invited a whole new level of difficulty into their reconciliation. Judgement, from all and everyone.

 

We did not expose. H talked with the MM but no one else know. We choose to keep our shame private. It is something we discuss and deal with together. It can bring us closer as we have an understanding of the emotion even tough we are at different ends of the spectrum. I caused and him the victim. Why would exposing are vulnerabilities to others be helpful to us? I have thought of discussing with one good friend. Relieving myself and making him look vulnerable, again not helpful. For us I feel thr therapist and each other are the only ones who we need to expose ourselves to.

[BetrayedH]

I've obviously not made it this far into the process Merrmeade, so I'm not sure I have the wisdom you seek here. But I'll venture in anyway.

 

I've never really believed in widespread exposure. Some people do it as a practical form of killing an affair (scattering cockroaches and all that). I'd rather not have a spouse stay with me just because I ruined all of the other options for them, or out of fear of further exposure, or guilt or shame.

 

I'm also not really a fan of imposing what I'll call, artificial consequences. People come up with all sorts of punishments from workplace exposure to Facebook blasts to making the wayward stand out on the road wearing an "I cheated" sandwich board.

 

But I do think that there are natural consequences to having an affair that probably shouldn't be avoided. I wouldn't allow another BS to continue to be betrayed. Transparency and mandatory IC and MC are others that are top of mind. I also think that the BS can be expected to reach out to family and friends for support, revealing the full truth to whomever they need. If you haven't done that in real life, I think you should. Telling everything to everyone that will listen? I'm not sure what that accomplishes. I'd have to hear a compelling argument.

 

As for your shame, I think Elaine summed it up well. There's two things you could feel shame over. The first is shame over the your inability to keep your husband faithful, that somehow your personal or marital inadequacies contributed to him having an affair. That feeling is normal and one that I truly feel has to be combatted intellectually. Frankly, you're smart enough to know that you didn't cause your husband's affairs so I'm not even going to even bother addressing this with you. If I need to stop by and smack you around the head and ears, I can do that. You're not responsible for your husband's piss poor choices to have affairs.

 

The second potential source of shame is what Artie rightfully brought up. You may be carrying shame for your perceived weakness in settling for an unremorseful serial cheater. This is just as normal as the former. Some people, like Drifter, carry that shame indefinitely. He's at 20+ years and counting. He's ashamed for not having had the personal strength to just walk away all those years ago. Is this the kind of shame you're carrying?

 

If that latter is what you're dealing with, I think the solution is to correct that poor decision so you can say that you've learned from that mistake. And I think you'd be safe in exposing the whole truth to anyone because you could say that you initially made decisions of which you were not proud but you finally found the strength to stand up for yourself. You could share that with people, be proud of your final decision(s), and get support from those around you. But if you're ashamed of staying and don't correct that mistake, I think that exposure would just make you more ashamed.

 

This is not to say that I believe you made a mistake by staying. Frankly, that's your determination to make. If you feel your decision to stay is justified and right, then I truly believe that you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. And I think you need to keep reminding yourself of that. If you are proud of your actions, then by gawd, don't be ashamed of them. And again, I'd seek the support of those that would be supportive.

 

Now, if you're not proud of your decisions and you're continuing to make them, then a change in your behaviors is merited. I find myself back to my original question: What do you have to be ashamed of?

Edited May 29, 2015 by BetrayedH

[fellini]

Yes, this is all true. But, its not really that new imo. Victim blaming has been around forever. The only reason it seems new is that it is never spoken about with one shrill voice by the culture at large until a subject that has never been talked about in "polite society" takes center stage out in the open.

 

No. Victim blaming is blaming the victim for other peoples ACTIONS (like blaming RAPE victims for being raped.

 

Shaming the BS for reconciliation is BLAMING THE PERSON WHO MADE THE ACTION.

 

People can blame the BS for the infidelity, which would be victim blaming.

But when people shame the BS for taking back a cheat, it's a different thing, and a different level.

[elaine567]

No. Victim blaming is blaming the victim for other peoples ACTIONS (like blaming RAPE victims for being raped.

 

Shaming the BS for reconciliation is BLAMING THE PERSON WHO MADE THE ACTION.

 

People can blame the BS for the infidelity, which would be victim blaming.

But when people shame the BS for taking back a cheat, it's a different thing, and a different level.

 

The BS is being "blamed" for her own actions in reconciling.

 

The murderer is blamed for strangling the victim. - his own actions -> he IS to blame.

The victim is "blamed" for taking the "dangerous" short cut home at night - it is not HER fault she got strangled -> victim blaming.

[Seachan]

 

My H is a serial cheater. Some 20 plus trysts between the first and last affair I discovered. The ones in between I knew nothing about until I discovered the last.

 

 

I fell in love with my H and chose him as a life partner based on the best parts of him which are many. I failed to see that the some of the red flags he displayed were due to the fact h was raped as a child.

 

 

So shoot me. I have no shame for that. Even if I had paid more attention to the red flags I had nothing in my repertoire that would have enabled me as a young woman to recognize the severe wound my H would have carried to his grave if he could have. Even as a mature adult, I couldn't have known unless I was an expert on such matters.

 

 

I only understood when he gave up the secret he couldn't carry any longer.

 

 

Many good people are wounded in ways that cause them to wound others.

 

 

Its not right. Its not fair. But, the only people who should be carrying shame are the people who caused these wounds.

 

After spending a couple of years now on infidelity boards, I've seen a pattern that many A's involve WS or BS who were victims of childhood sexual abuse, especially those that were not exit affairs, where the WS begs to R with the BS.

 

Merrmeade, has your WS examined himself why he had his A's? What was the root cause of his compulsion?

 

Maybe once he excavates his life and understands why he did what he did, he will find tools to heal that fracture in his character, and you can both be free from the "shame". I wonder if the shame gets in the way of healing. It tells you to bury the wound, letting it fester, instead of airing it out shining light on it and cleaning it up.

[velvette]

After spending a couple of years now on infidelity boards, I've seen a pattern that many A's involve WS or BS who were victims of childhood sexual abuse, especially those that were not exit affairs, where the WS begs to R with the BS.

 

Merrmeade, has your WS examined himself why he had his A's? What was the root cause of his compulsion?

 

Maybe once he excavates his life and understands why he did what he did, he will find tools to heal that fracture in his character, and you can both be free from the "shame". I wonder if the shame gets in the way of healing. It tells you to bury the wound, letting it fester, instead of airing it out shining light on it and cleaning it up.

 

I agree, although its not limited to childhood sexual abuse imo. It could be any number of other wounds or severe trauma's that are unresolved.

 

 

I actually think the same principle is at play in many cases where someone has only has one affair. Lots of affairs are about acting out/avoiding old wounds.....i.e. self medicating. Some people pick up a bottle or some other vice, some people cheat.

 

 

People like to believe that serial cheaters are different than regular cheaters. Only in degree of dysfunction imo.

 

 

Whether they cheat once or 20 times, if the reason is something broken in them you will not be able to R your marriage until they look at and deal with it.

[RightThere]

I'll share because my story follows a similar pattern.

 

5 affairs (that I know of) and I've taken my STBXW back probably 3 different times. One of the many problems is I know she feels shame, but tries to force herself not to feel it and blame shifts. It's a heavy burden to bear and many people feel they don't have the tools to fully accept their shame.

 

I also had a moving line as to what would finally make me leave her. Even after our first D-Day, she continued to cross boundaries and I kept moving the line to accommodate because I felt it was never as bad as the first betrayal, so doing it now because of something "smaller" would not be fair.

 

I felt shame as well. I didn't fully out her to everyone about all the infidelity that occurred. Partially I felt like I still had to protect her. And some of it I really didn't know why I felt as bad as I did about everything. Some people say they felt better outing everything their WS did. I just feel like I'd be stooping to their level and trying to justify myself as "holier than thou"

 

Short version of the story is you'll continue to trigger with him as long as he feels shame. The only thing that will make you feel better is you. Not anything else anyone can do.