Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Still on the roller-coaster I see as last week...or maybe it was yesterday...you were done with the bleepity bleep bleep. You must have me confused with someone else, because I've never been "done" with him nor had any sort of "bleepity bleep bleep" tone about him. So...my question is simple: If you could script the perfect ending to this A of yours what would it be? (What can you do to achieve that ending?) Perfect ending? He leaves his M of his own accord and comes to me and we explore a FTR. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Perfect ending? He leaves his M of his own accord and comes to me and we explore a FTR. Then you need to step back and let him make that decision, on his own accord. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Then you need to step back and let him make that decision, on his own accord. I haven't pushed, or even brought up the subject. If he does it, it will be of his own accord, I assure you. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Perhaps not directly, but isn't your continued involvement some kind of actively passive attempt to influence his decision? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Perhaps not directly, but isn't your continued involvement some kind of actively passive attempt to influence his decision? Actively passive? Nope. I'm completely passive. Like a doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Yep. Just like that. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Regardless of your passivity, your involvement is a distractive detriment to his marriage. You know this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Regardless of your passivity, your involvement is a distractive detriment to his marriage. You know this. I could argue that this may not be correct. We just don't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 I suppose in some realm it could be possible for someone to completely rebuild his marriage with a secret girlfriend on the side. I'm just going by what has been posted here. And hindsight. Lots of it. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 You must have me confused with someone else, because I've never been "done" with him nor had any sort of "bleepity bleep bleep" tone about him. No...you had something to the effect of "Im stalled until I get angry again". Something really close to that. That whole post wasn't particularly happy - and while, admittedly, not the level of "bleepity bleep bleep" - it was getting there. IMO. I may have misread the tone though. He leaves his M of his own accord and comes to me and we explore a FTR. What does "on his own accord" mean? Does it mean he arrives at that decision on his own? How can he - he's having an A which, by definition, isn't on his own accord via you. You are the outside influence SPECIFICALLY altering his thought process in regards to his M - one way or another. Does it mean "he volunteers to leave w/o you asking"? If what you want is a shot at him - then tell him. What's keeping you? I can almost see a self-perpetuation circle here: you want him to leave on his accord which means you cant tell him (?) - and the circle goes on and on...meanwhile, he has long told you how he views you: Go back and read your first two threads. It says all you need to know. The solution, I think, is to tell him what you want: Him to D his W and be with you openly. If you want act towards what you want then who will? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Good lord, Rose. I truly fail to see the attraction to this man based on all you've shared. He ain't leaving his life and I think you know that. Please tell me again what makes him look so wonderful, that you're willing to waste months and possibly years of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Good lord, Rose. I truly fail to see the attraction to this man based on all you've shared. He ain't leaving his life and I think you know that. Actually, I don't know that. In fact, he's texted several times today that he's nearly done; he's had a rough couple weeks at home, and his bags are literally packed. The only thing I wonder or question, is really whether it's his choice, or he's being asked to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 The only thing I wonder or question, is really whether it's his choice, or he's being asked to leave. Why would the W demand that? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Good lord, Rose. I truly fail to see the attraction to this man based on all you've shared. He ain't leaving his life and I think you know that. Actually, I don't know that. In fact, he's texted several times today that he's nearly done; he's had a rough couple weeks at home, and his bags are literally packed. The only thing I wonder or question, is really whether it's his choice, or he's being asked to leave. Also, when is love ever rational? If it was, I'd argue that we'd almost always venture to stay away from it bc it's never a 'good bet.' People can always easily see the error of other people's ways because they can look at them disinterestedly. Not so with your own because you're subject to all the emotions and other mitigating life factors that make your own path cloudy at even the best of times. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Falling in love can most certainly be a "good bet". In situations like this, not so much. It hasn't been a month since this particular MM bailed on Rose, wanting to not lose his married life. He'll likely get scared again and give the same song and dance story again. I'm all for love, falling in love, finding happiness, etc. but why any woman would put her life on hold for a slim (very slim) maybe, is beyond me. Rose seems very smart to me, so I don't predict this affair to go on for years and years. Especially if nothing changes on his end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Why would the W demand that? Because when a couple agrees to break up, and there are children involved, it's usually the man who physically leaves the house. They're falling apart, and my fear is that it's not really his choice to leave so much as their M just imploding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Falling in love can most certainly be a "good bet". In situations like this, not so much. It hasn't been a month since this particular MM bailed on Rose, wanting to not lose his married life. Actually, it has. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Sorry, I thought I'd read a post from you on 4 May, where he said he couldn't do it anymore and broke the affair off in favor of his family and MC. Hey, good luck to you. I hope it all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 The only thing I wonder or question, is really whether it's his choice, or he's being asked to leave. You see, this is a paradoxical situation which I myself will hate to be in. "I want him to leave, but it needs to be of his own accord." But if he really leaves, I too will wonder if it is because he was asked to do so or was it stemming from his own desire. It is much less the actual ending, but more of the motivations behind it. If he has not articulated his desire to be with you in the near future/long term, then it is not happening anytime soon. Side note: Dday my xMM got kicked out of his house after he was caught lying. He never displayed much passion for his wife.. together for too long bla bla.. we never discussed it..etc. I too was supportive and silently, "hoping for the best", that he might actually leave. But after being kicked out, he was literally groveling to go back to her. It is sad and a hard truth for me to swallow. I love him but I wouldn't want him if she didn't want him too. (had a hard time admitting this too) Would you want to deal with the aftermath of uncertainty on your side? Your ideal situation is not impossible though. I always believe in love. It is definitely workable. BUT from the whole drama I realized how important trust and honesty is. This is only something both of you can achieve if you lay it all out in the open and discuss it. There really isn't any point in hoping for the best passively. There will only be more uncertainty even if his M is really over. That is totally not a healthy way to start a new relationship if that's even viable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 He doesn't know that I'd gladly have him, that he wouldn't be alone. Doesn't know the extent of my feelings, either. We've never discussed it. You don't have to actually say you love someone , your actions probably show you love him. There's a way people make love, that can let one know it's not just sex, but feelings are deeper. He's known you for a long time, and maybe knows you wouldn't be sleeping with him or continue to be in an affair with him when he has said he wants to work on his marriage if you didn't love him. For a woman or man to be the OM /OW, their very likely just in it for the physical /emotional side or their feelings are very deep. I think he knows that you're not the former. Just the way someone can say they love you, but their actions say different, reverse can be the case too. I've known an ex loved me, even without him saying it. He later did say it, but I could tell by the way he treated me and what he did for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
viciouscircle Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Actually, I don't know that. In fact, he's texted several times today that he's nearly done; he's had a rough couple weeks at home, and his bags are literally packed. The only thing I wonder or question, is really whether it's his choice, or he's being asked to leave. A few days ago you posted that according to him his wife is happy with the marriage and is committed to family. Why do you think he could potentially be asked to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 And its ok. An A is a soul sucking, brain-numbing, heart wrenching experience. One virtually every OW, current and past, would care to NOT repeat again. For a reason. Amen to the above. I had probably one of the most drama free affairs on the planet, have been married to my MM for nearly 15 years and STILL I would not do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Something to think about might be, as stated here somewhere above already, would be to make your wants known. If you are not letting your man know that you want him full time, how does he know this? I stated my position prior to even starting our affair, knowing that I was not cut out to be an OW and would very quickly become extremely dissatisfied (and I did). I treated my affair similarly to how I would treat any goal in my life. You need to make your position to him clear, I think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 A few days ago you posted that according to him his wife is happy with the marriage and is committed to family. Why do you think he could potentially be asked to leave? Already answered that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseVille Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 Something to think about might be, as stated here somewhere above already, would be to make your wants known. If you are not letting your man know that you want him full time, how does he know this? I stated my position prior to even starting our affair, knowing that I was not cut out to be an OW and would very quickly become extremely dissatisfied (and I did). I treated my affair similarly to how I would treat any goal in my life. You need to make your position to him clear, I think. I'm inclined to do that. However, he's taken time off work ("sick" but not really) so he can deal with the crisis at home. I don't feel it's appropriate to let him know how I feel at this critical moment. Link to post Share on other sites
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