Were You Forced To Become The Dumper?

[candie13]

see, this is the thing. We don't want them to cry and ask us to stay. Not really. We want them to fix it - and wishes like that simply don't come true.

[Meli22]

see, this is the thing. We don't want them to cry and ask us to stay. Not really. We want them to fix it - and wishes like that simply don't come true.

 

Amen to that. My ex cried so much when we broke up, but I was thinking... We're breaking up because YOU aren't sure, why is it YOU that's crying so much?!

[candie13]

Meli, he was crying because he was hurting. I honor hurt and honesty, even though it doesn't change the outcome. It's a proof of humanity and it shows that he cares. I didn't get that. I got a polite "thank you for everything that you did for us". I'm planning to upgrade and date Snow Man this winter .

[Meli22]

I get that, he told me he was hurting. I don't understand though. To me when somebody is hurt, it's because they've been hurt. This was because his feelings had changed. I might sound bitter but I mean this in a way that, it's just something I don't understand.

[candie13]

well, sounds like your ex was blocked and he couldn't get over whatever was blocking him to make this relationship work. The fact that he had that emotional blockage does not exclude his capacity to hurt, doesn't mean he had no feelings. He was simply unable to understand himself or his own fears... or master them.

 

I understand your position 200%. I've been there with my ex of 7 years. It's like... some people are incapacitated. That is how I look at them. It's as if they had not reach a certain level of emotional development. Or maybe there just isn't quite that compatibility... the real question, irrelevant of how he reacted and what he did: was he the right person for you? Did you really really love him? Were the 2 of you really compatible ? Those are the good questions, not why he was crying...

 

Chances are, he is not the one for you. Chances are, you are clinging onto him because you feel rejected or not good enough. Maybe I am self projecting - I think this is why the current situation is so sensitive to me. It bugs my ego and my self esteem. Once I get to fix those, I think I'll get over the ex much much more quickly.

[Meli22]

well, sounds like your ex was blocked and he couldn't get over whatever was blocking him to make this relationship work. The fact that he had that emotional blockage does not exclude his capacity to hurt, doesn't mean he had no feelings. He was simply unable to understand himself or his own fears... or master them.

 

I understand your position 200%. I've been there with my ex of 7 years. It's like... some people are incapacitated. That is how I look at them. It's as if they had not reach a certain level of emotional development. Or maybe there just isn't quite that compatibility... the real question, irrelevant of how he reacted and what he did: was he the right person for you? Did you really really love him? Were the 2 of you really compatible ? Those are the good questions, not why he was crying...

 

Chances are, he is not the one for you. Chances are, you are clinging onto him because you feel rejected or not good enough. Maybe I am self projecting - I think this is why the current situation is so sensitive to me. It bugs my ego and my self esteem. Once I get to fix those, I think I'll get over the ex much much more quickly.

 

He suffered bad anxiety, so every small issue was a huge problem to him. I did feel bad for him. And I did take it all very personally as to why his feelings fizzled. However, he did tell me that he was worried in case this happens in every relationship for him. That's enough proof for me to not take it personally. Despite that, he still blamed everything on me. He still accused me of ridiculous things and insisted they were the cause of his shifting feelings. He was very paranoid, insecure and some of the things he said to me I've been told by my therapist are classic emotional abuse. He may not have realised he was doing it, in fact he probably didn't but he did drag me right down. I doubted myself so much and took SO much blame for things that I didn't do. But he made me believe so much that I did, and I really thought I had a problem!

 

Only now since I've stepped out of the relationship can I realise that I didn't do anything wrong. And with the help of my therapist she's helped me come to terms with that, and made me realise that I changed so much just to suit his needs. So no, he probably wasn't the one for me. Of course my feelings are still there (although not as strong), but I know in time they will fade.

[candie13]

He suffered bad anxiety, so every small issue was a huge problem to him. I did feel bad for him. And I did take it all very personally as to why his feelings fizzled. However, he did tell me that he was worried in case this happens in every relationship for him. That's enough proof for me to not take it personally. Despite that, he still blamed everything on me. He still accused me of ridiculous things and insisted they were the cause of his shifting feelings. He was very paranoid, insecure and some of the things he said to me I've been told by my therapist are classic emotional abuse. He may not have realised he was doing it, in fact he probably didn't but he did drag me right down. I doubted myself so much and took SO much blame for things that I didn't do. But he made me believe so much that I did, and I really thought I had a problem!

 

Only now since I've stepped out of the relationship can I realise that I didn't do anything wrong. And with the help of my therapist she's helped me come to terms with that, and made me realise that I changed so much just to suit his needs. So no, he probably wasn't the one for me. Of course my feelings are still there (although not as strong), but I know in time they will fade.

 

he played with your mind and blamed you for his fickleness. I am so sorry for you, Meli, people who do this become toxic because they make us question ourselves. This is what becomes really difficult to get over - that we are the issue, because all of us, as individuals, are egocentric and self absorbed . As soon as we manage to dissociate the hurt in the relationship from us - especially from blaming ourselves - we're off the hook. And then we can start to heal...

 

I don't think it's feelings that are there, Meli... it's the fact that he still has you under his spell. These things - this sort of relationship - take longest to get over.

[Meli22]

I know... I didn't feel good enough. Especially towards the end. Often throughout our time together too, I just didn't think it was a big issue. And I always felt like everything was my fault. It's all in a thread I started called realizations. After the split I felt so low and responsible, and my esteem was shattered. Hence the therapy. I've only just started opening up to friends about it and they are bewildered. I even find myself wondering if they'd heard me properly because from their reactions, because at the time I didn't think it was bad.. And I believed it WAS all me

[soulforge]

so is there any cases of a person coming back to you? After you ended it with them?

 

Maybe they realised what they did wrong, and came back to try again?

[Thecondor1991]

My most recent break up was like that. She had become distant, wasn't communicating, and I later found out she still had feelings for an ex, so I forced her to make a decision...Well I'm here so I'm guessing you know what she chose...

Edited May 17, 2015 by Thecondor1991

[soulforge]

My most recent break up was like that. She had become distant, wasn't communicating, and I later found out she still had feelings for an ex, so I forced her to make a decision...Well I'm here so I'm guessing you know what she chose...

 

 

 

I am in a serious pickle.. it was me who officially ended it.. but i really really did not want to do it..

 

 

She was not making any effort to sort out the argument we had.. i was doing all the reaching out.. felt like i had no choice

 

Now i miss her.. and don't know what do

[Tone Loc]

To this day, I have no idea whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. Here are the facts - she lost interest in me and in the relationship, didn't bother to keep up contact, she was perfectly content to move on (she moved on quickly). We must have 'broken up'/split at least half a dozen times leading up to now. If you were to ask her, she would definitely tell you that I was the one who 'dumped' her but that doesn't tell the whole story.

 

Why should I bother with a woman who doesn't take any interest in me or care about having a proper relationship? I was forced to exit the relationship. I did it for me. She exed herself out completely, on her own terms so I don't even think I was the dumper. She never had the decency to break up with me, instead she used me for sex and I ended up spending a ton of money on her just to please her. Since its early stages, the relationship desperately needed a pillow over the face, and eventually I was happy to be the one to provide that proverbial pillow.

[BC1980]

I am in a serious pickle.. it was me who officially ended it.. but i really really did not want to do it..

 

 

She was not making any effort to sort out the argument we had.. i was doing all the reaching out.. felt like i had no choice

 

Now i miss her.. and don't know what do

 

Well, if she made no effort then, why do you think she would make an effort now? If you were doing all the reaching out, then I doubt she cared if you broke up with her. I think you are second guessing what was a wise decision.

[soulforge]

Well, if she made no effort then, why do you think she would make an effort now? If you were doing all the reaching out, then I doubt she cared if you broke up with her. I think you are second guessing what was a wise decision.

 

 

Well this was the 3rd time i had reached out to her in the 4months we was dating, so i could clearly see a pattern developing here..

 

i felt like she had one foot in the relationship and one foot out of the relationship most of the time.. maybe because she had other options like going back to online dating!

 

Whatever the issue was, we could have talked like adults and sorted things out, but whenever i tried, i was met with stubbornness on her part..

 

I could see how one sided this relationship was getting..

 

the main reason why i officially ended it, was because we was 4months in, and if this is how things are already, then how bad will it be in years to come?

 

If we hit an issue or a problem further down the line, is she going to drop all communication and leave me in a situation where i am the only one fighting to save it??

 

I could see myself falling in love with this girl... so maybe i pulled the plug, to save myself from getting hurt in the future..

 

Fast forward 3 weeks after the breakup and she is back on POF dating site..

 

Now i am in the situation where, if i do not reach out to her ASAP then she will meet or sleep with someone else..

 

I really am struggling.. even if i reached out, what will happen the next time there is an issue? What if she stops communication again!

 

What shall i do guys???? I could lose her forever

Edited May 19, 2015 by soulforge

[soulforge]

I want to reach out to her, but scared she may have slept with someone from POF???

 

Or is involved with someone already.. this will set back the healing process by a long shot?

 

Is it worth reaching out

[aloneinaz]

Too be brutally honest, I'm not sure why you feel you have ANY decision to make?!? Seriously, re-read what you've discribed that relationship was and how she did or did not participate in it. If you were reading everything you typed like it was someone else's thread, you'd have to come to the conclusion that the person was crazy to put up with her for 4 months.

 

Bottom line is she wasn't that into you and clearly didn't care when you ended it. Why would you want to talk to her again? She didn't give a $hit the first time when you were only in 4 months that most call the "honeymoon" stage. Would she suddenly become interested after a reconciliation? Come on.. She's on a dating site, not knocking on your door, pleading for a another chance.

 

What do you need to do? Move on to someone who will be into you and want a serious relationship. What's holding you back from putting your profile on POF and looking for her?

 

Stop wasting your time thinking about someone who didn't care about you. Spend that energy on finding something better.

[soulforge]

Too be brutally honest, I'm not sure why you feel you have ANY decision to make?!? Seriously, re-read what you've discribed that relationship was and how she did or did not participate in it. If you were reading everything you typed like it was someone else's thread, you'd have to come to the conclusion that the person was crazy to put up with her for 4 months.

 

Bottom line is she wasn't that into you and clearly didn't care when you ended it. Why would you want to talk to her again? She didn't give a $hit the first time when you were only in 4 months that most call the "honeymoon" stage. Would she suddenly become interested after a reconciliation? Come on.. She's on a dating site, not knocking on your door, pleading for a another chance.

 

What do you need to do? Move on to someone who will be into you and want a serious relationship. What's holding you back from putting your profile on POF and looking for her?

 

Stop wasting your time thinking about someone who didn't care about you. Spend that energy on finding something better.

 

 

when i ended it.. she sent me a text back saying...

 

'Its your choice, you deleted me off whatsapp, good luck for the future'

 

 

No she isn't fighting for me... i explained to her the reason why i ended it.. she did not really comment on them, or try to argue against my reasons..

 

 

Still i have this urge to reach out to her.. and maybe work things out..

 

But i fear she maybe seeing someone from pof

[soulforge]

If i reach out now, i could end up getting seriously rejected????

[AIJ]

If i reach out now, i could end up getting seriously rejected????

 

I don't think you realise how silly and desperate you sound right now.

 

You were right to end the relationship, she wasn't all that in to you, it's over, stop contemplating contacting her and stop with the whole 'what if' and hopes of getting back together. It's not going to happen.

 

Anyway as for being forced to end a relationship, I was in the same boat as you. Ex was terrible at communicating, relationship felt more 80/20 than 50/50, so I had to give it up because it was causing me so much stress and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Ended it, and 3/4 months on, I'm so thankful I did. I'm in a MUCH better place now and my life is so stress free!

 

To add, you're definitely romanticising your previous relationship. It was an awful relationship, it wouldn't have worked long-term, let it go, for your sake.

[FallingLeaves]

How many of you folks had no option but to dump the person you really cared about?

 

 

If they was not communicating with you, not sorting out the problem, or sharing any responsibility. . And it was just dragging out and causing you mental anxiety and stress..

 

So you decided to end it with that person.. you are officially the dumper..

 

What are the chances that person would try to come back to you some day?? If you officially ended it..

 

I would like to hear from people who was forced to dump...

 

Hi Soul!

 

While nobody 'forced' me to dump my ex, he did definitely leave me with no real other option. We were together for roughy 3.5 years, though we went through many rough spots and even broke up at one point for a few months. (To be clear, he left me when the first break up occurred.) He turned into a monster by the end of our relationship. He was cold, uncaring and honestly refused to do anything to help. I would beg for him to just go somewhere with me, and he refused. The worst part about this is, like you, I loved him and would just accept the treatment he dished out.

 

I broke it off and begged him to change so we could date again, as I couldn't take the way he treated me any longer. I made myself available to him constantly, and just continued to be used by him. (Looking back now I actually feel really sad I allowed this to happen.) Long story short? He never changed. He never tried anything I suggested, and just always treated me like a second-class citizen.

 

When I finally met someone new and told him I was considering going on a date with this new guy, he just got angry, accused me of cheating (What??) and left my life. He never tried anything to get me back. He has never come knocking, calling, texting, e-mailing, etc to even apologize for all the intense pain he caused me.

 

I still deeply care about him, and wish I was in his life. But I am finally coming to understand that he just isn't the person I deserve. I deserved so much better from him than to be ridiculed, ignored, and labeled as a villain. (Worse...as a cheater. I really lost it when he accused me of that. ESPECIALLY considering I never got over the gut feeling he was doing that behind my back. Later after the break up I actually got more evidence he was doing that, but that is neither here nor there.)

 

So...I greatly understand your position. But please don't make the same mistake I did and constantly fight for her. She will not change, and she won't suddenly magically transform into the person you deserve. Instead she will stay the person she is, and that is someone who doesn't even come close to meeting your needs. Someday you will meet someone who actually cares for you and loves you, and they will step up and work to be with you. This woman isn't her.

Edited May 19, 2015 by FallingLeaves

[kismetkismet]

I was.. Sort of. He would "emotionally turtle" as he calls it. We had serious communication issues even though I didn't really realize it at the time. Basically i just felt taken for granted and under appreciated, but i had a really hard time explaining what I needed, and he was being stubborn and not realllly listening or trying to compromise. I surprised myself by breaking up with him. the conversation was kind of a misunderstanding..

 

Now... I wish that I hadn't. I wish i'd tired harder to see if we could fix the issues because now it's too late. I can't ask for him back and also expect him to change.

 

It's been over 2 months and we have had two slip ups where we ended up sleeping together and spending time together.. and admitted we still love each other. But now I don't know what to do. I feel a bit like the dumpee, but am technically a dumper so I can't JUST apologize, or just expect him to. Sooo confused and lost :/

[Redhead14]

How many of you folks had no option but to dump the person you really cared about?

 

 

If they was not communicating with you, not sorting out the problem, or sharing any responsibility. . And it was just dragging out and causing you mental anxiety and stress..

 

So you decided to end it with that person.. you are officially the dumper..

 

What are the chances that person would try to come back to you some day?? If you officially ended it..

 

I would like to hear from people who was forced to dump...

 

Frankly, I don't think you were the dumper. If a person refuses to communicate, work on the problem or accept responsibility, they've already checked out of the relationship. There's no relationship anymore anyway. All you did was catch up.

[aloneinaz]

I don't think you realise how silly and desperate you sound right now.

 

You were right to end the relationship, she wasn't all that in to you, it's over, stop contemplating contacting her and stop with the whole 'what if' and hopes of getting back together. It's not going to happen.

 

 

You either hate to be alone for any time what so ever or you need to work on your self esteem. Most everyone is guilty of taking too much $hit from our significant others. We also ignore MAJOR red flags that are presented early in a relationship because the sex is good or they are hot.

 

You are in an excellent position. You don't have much time invested, you saw she wasn't invested in you and you pulled the trigger to end it. Why boo hoo over such a poor excuse for partner? Focus your energy on finding someone who will provide you with what you need.

[soulforge]

You either hate to be alone for any time what so ever or you need to work on your self esteem. Most everyone is guilty of taking too much $hit from our significant others. We also ignore MAJOR red flags that are presented early in a relationship because the sex is good or they are hot.

 

You are in an excellent position. You don't have much time invested, you saw she wasn't invested in you and you pulled the trigger to end it. Why boo hoo over such a poor excuse for partner? Focus your energy on finding someone who will provide you with what you need.

 

 

Well this is exactly how I saw it... the red flags was there.. and yes the sex was amazing.. all that bieng said, i knew something did not feel right..

 

And i could tell this girl was not likely to stick with me through the good and the hard times!!

 

I did not want to be hurting some years down the line, after she leaves me over something petty or solvable .. so i felt 4months in.. i should pull the plug on this..

 

 

Here is what I don't understand.. if she was not invested, then why keep dropping hints about marriage and bieng together for good..?

 

Maybe she just liked the idea of marriage? In this case, i guess her words did not actually mirror her actions

[AIJ]

Well this is exactly how I saw it... the red flags was there.. and yes the sex was amazing.. all that bieng said, i knew something did not feel right..

 

And i could tell this girl was not likely to stick with me through the good and the hard times!!

 

I did not want to be hurting some years down the line, after she leaves me over something petty or solvable .. so i felt 4months in.. i should pull the plug on this..

 

 

Here is what I don't understand.. if she was not invested, then why keep dropping hints about marriage and bieng together for good..?

 

Maybe she just liked the idea of marriage? In this case, i guess her words did not actually mirror her actions

 

Girls are *******s. I could go in to a more in depth explanation as to how, but that's the basics of it, they are *******s. They like to say things to keep you hooked.