Were You Forced To Become The Dumper?

[soulforge]

Mine was a little over 5 months so pretty similar, took me 3 months to get over her.

 

1st month - complete turmoil, struggled sleeping, eating, going to college, doing anything other than laying in bed and moping was quite a struggle. Would occasionally go to the gym, which actually really helped lift my mood temporarily.

 

2nd month - pure anger, absolutely despised her. Still missed her.

 

3rd month - this was when I really started to let go, and by the end of the 3rd month, I was certain I was completely over her.

 

In to the 4th month now and although thoughts of her crop up occasionally, they're not very frequent, fond or of any real significance really. It'll take time, but just take the necessary steps to pave the way for your recover ie. removing all reminders, blocking her everywhere etc. and you'll be all good in a few months time I suspect.

 

 

I just need to stick to my guns.. and move on... one day at a time..

 

I think my life would have been misery if i had stayed with her.. i hope i get to where you are pretty soon

[soulforge]

Mine was a little over 5 months so pretty similar, took me 3 months to get over her.

 

1st month - complete turmoil, struggled sleeping, eating, going to college, doing anything other than laying in bed and moping was quite a struggle. Would occasionally go to the gym, which actually really helped lift my mood temporarily.

 

2nd month - pure anger, absolutely despised her. Still missed her.

 

3rd month - this was when I really started to let go, and by the end of the 3rd month, I was certain I was completely over her.

 

In to the 4th month now and although thoughts of her crop up occasionally, they're not very frequent, fond or of any real significance really. It'll take time, but just take the necessary steps to pave the way for your recover ie. removing all reminders, blocking her everywhere etc. and you'll be all good in a few months time I suspect.

 

 

Well i have decided not to contact her at all.. i need to move on.. she is back online dating.. so i,m letting her go.. right now she is not good for me!!

 

in this day and age, people will just walk away from a relationship so easily over the slightest thing, knowing very well they can just go back online and find someone else.. nobody makes an effort to make the relationship work, or try resolve issues..

 

 

I tried to make some effort and talk to her, but she was too stubborn to work things out.. her loss.. i,m a good man, and treated her very well.. maybe one day she will realise this..

 

And i deserve a partner who will stick by me through the good and the bad times..

 

 

i intend to keep going, eventually meet other girls.. and maybe in a few months i will have totally forgot about her

Edited May 17, 2015 by soulforge

[soulforge]

How many of you folks had no option but to dump the person you really cared about?

 

 

If they was not communicating with you, not sorting out the problem, or sharing any responsibility. . And it was just dragging out and causing you mental anxiety and stress..

 

So you decided to end it with that person.. you are officially the dumper..

 

What are the chances that person would try to come back to you some day?? If you officially ended it..

 

I would like to hear from people who was forced to dump...

[soulforge]

In my case we had a fallout over a pre arranged date.. she didn't turn up.. i got a little annoyed with her.. because i got annoyed with her, she stopped communicating, i tried talking things through with her, but she kept dragging it out, and escalating the matter..

 

Was getting tired of the one always trying to sort things out, while she sulks like the victim

 

I didn't want to.. but felt no choice but to end it..

 

So was you ever forced to dump someone and did they come back?

[carhill]

Myself, this has happened, though rarely, and no one has 'come back'.

 

I developed what I call the 'sour the milk' theory where one party progressively sours the relationship until the other takes an affirmative action to either clearly poison it or end it. The person souring the milk would, for practical intents and purposes, end the relationship but their psychological makeup or plan of action dictates another course of action.

[Meli22]

Yep. My ex started to become really cold with me for no particular reason. He started pushing me away, complaining about the spark dying down but not wanting to do anything to keep it alive. There was more to it but I got so fed up, it wore me down completely. I totally lost my identity and felt like I was at his mercy. He would blame all of his behaviour on me, and then blame it on his anxiety. It created a horrible atmosphere so I suggested some space. After 3 weeks he came back, said he realised what he lost and that he had just lost himself in our relationship and forgot what we were about. I felt taken for granted.

 

Anyway, I was willing to give things another go. But literally days after he totally turned on me again, blamed his coldness on me (?!) and just became almost nasty. Totally broke me as a person. So yeah I dumped him, but I feel like he was pushing me to do that, or test me in some weird way. Who knows.

 

I haven't heard anything since this (2 months), according to a mutual friend he's been upset about the whole thing, and he also told my mother that he doesn't understand what happened to him. Either way, I didn't deserve any of that. No one does. I could never do that to someone I loved; if I was unsure, I'd communicate properly and at least try. Oh and, whenever I brought things up just to see how he had been feeling, he had conveniently just started to feel better, but me bringing it up had made him feel distant again (he said all of this), and said "who knows when I will feel better again..." Again, blame shifting. Made me feel like I could never speak about the issue.

[soulforge]

i felt forced into taking the decision.. and it seriously messes with your head..

 

She is now on dating sites.. and it puts me in the position, where if i wanted her back.. then i would have to be the one reaching out..

 

As i made the end official..

 

 

Any you folks been forced to dump??

[soulforge]

Yep. My ex started to become really cold with me for no particular reason. He started pushing me away, complaining about the spark dying down but not wanting to do anything to keep it alive. There was more to it but I got so fed up, it wore me down completely. I totally lost my identity and felt like I was at his mercy. He would blame all of his behaviour on me, and then blame it on his anxiety. It created a horrible atmosphere so I suggested some space. After 3 weeks he came back, said he realised what he lost and that he had just lost himself in our relationship and forgot what we were about. I felt taken for granted.

 

Anyway, I was willing to give things another go. But literally days after he totally turned on me again, blamed his coldness on me (?!) and just became almost nasty. Totally broke me as a person. So yeah I dumped him, but I feel like he was pushing me to do that, or test me in some weird way. Who knows.

 

I haven't heard anything since this (2 months), according to a mutual friend he's been upset about the whole thing, and he also told my mother that he doesn't understand what happened to him. Either way, I didn't deserve any of that. No one does. I could never do that to someone I loved; if I was unsure, I'd communicate properly and at least try. Oh and, whenever I brought things up just to see how he had been feeling, he had conveniently just started to feel better, but me bringing it up had made him feel distant again (he said all of this), and said "who knows when I will feel better again..." Again, blame shifting. Made me feel like I could never speak about the issue.

 

Well in your situation i can clearly see, why you had to end it...

 

It was effecting your mental health, causing you anxiety and robbing you of your dignity..

 

Sometimes its alot more devastating bieng the dumper, because you end up questioning yourself.. if you made the right choice!!

 

Its a mixture of relief and lots pf regret...

[Meli22]

My health did indeed suffer. In many physical ways, I won't go into detail. But anyway it is hard because we don't actually want to end the relationship, but we have to when our health and mentality is at risk. It's so hard. But we are the stronger ones, we had the guts to walk away from a relationship we wanted because we knew we deserved better. They didn't have the guts to walk away from a relationship they they (I assume) didn't want. We may feel weak now but we are the stronger ones!

[Meli22]

And sometimes I do wonder maybe if I had stuck around a bit longer... But these moments of doubt last for seconds. I know I did the right thing. The hard part for me is not being able to understand any of it.

[soulforge]

And sometimes I do wonder maybe if I had stuck around a bit longer... But these moments of doubt last for seconds. I know I did the right thing. The hard part for me is not being able to understand any of it.

 

That is exactly how i felt.. maybe i should given her more time.. maybe i should have let it drag on further..

 

 

But i kept telling myself.. how will you ever get through a relationship with a girl, who will drop all communication whenever a problem arises!!

 

 

A week is a long time in a 4 month relationship.. for a week she did not bother with me at all.. i made two attempts to talk.. but whe was angry and stubborn..

 

 

I know i made the right choice.. but she is now online looking for another man, which makes it very hard for me.. and makes me sometimes questions my decision..

 

 

So guys, was you ever forced to dump someone, and did they come back?

[spiderowl]

I don't recollect being forced to dump someone but I guess I've been the other person who has forced the other to decide. It was never a relationship but more a situation of it could have been. They were interested but I wasn't so I didn't assist in progressing things, yet never said 'No, I'm not interested'. It's hard to say that, much easier to just fade out. It sounds like in your case she was fading out by being uncooperative. It's the same thing as dumping really, just more passive. Sorry.

[NopeNah]

Multiple times,with the same girl(s). Relationship's are more work than running my company's!

 

Edit: So..yes they come back,not always,but in my case, ALL did.

[Meli22]

I don't recollect being forced to dump someone but I guess I've been the other person who has forced the other to decide. It was never a relationship but more a situation of it could have been. They were interested but I wasn't so I didn't assist in progressing things, yet never said 'No, I'm not interested'. It's hard to say that, much easier to just fade out. It sounds like in your case she was fading out by being uncooperative. It's the same thing as dumping really, just more passive. Sorry.

 

I'm actually a little guilty of doing this in the past. More of a, going on a few dates but not wanting to go out again, and not really having the balls to say no at first. Id never do it in an actual relationship though, I think that's cruel.

[Meli22]

I think another reason people sometimes do this is so that they don't have to second guess their decision. A lot of dumpers do regret, so they don't have the burden of wondering "what if" because it's like... Well they dumped me so I didn't make the decision. A mixture of that and not wanting to feel guilt.

[aloneinaz]

I was never FORCED to dump someone though I've ended most of my LTR's. My ex GF I should of DUMPED her cuz she was just not a decent human being towards me. She ended it though I could have just as easily done it too. I did hear from her again 6 months later and had the pleasure of saying "no thanks" to getting back w/her.

 

Clearly, we all have TOO much time after a relationship ends. We put WAY too much thought into who ended it vs. the realization that in most cases, the relationship ran it's course, ended and died. In most cases, the relationship stays dead and each move on to better relationships.

 

I know a lot of people who came out of long term relationships just absolutely DONE with their ex partner. They spent zero time hashing over or mooning over the ex and moved onto with their life and then onto their next partner.

[elaine567]

She is now on dating sites.. and it puts me in the position, where if i wanted her back.. then i would have to be the one reaching out..

Yes, as the dumper, if you want her back then you will have to do the reaching out, that is how it works.

YOU rejected her, so she is not going to come back to get rejected again, is she? Unless she is foolish of course.

[soulforge]

Yes, as the dumper, if you want her back then you will have to do the reaching out, that is how it works.

YOU rejected her, so she is not going to come back to get rejected again, is she? Unless she is foolish of course.

 

 

 

Yes i agree with this... but by dropping all communication with me, was that not a form of dumping in itself.. me reaching out to her, and her not bothering with me..

[Meli22]

 

I know a lot of people who came out of long term relationships just absolutely DONE with their ex partner. They spent zero time hashing over or mooning over the ex and moved onto with their life and then onto their next partner.

 

I think most relationships after they have ended, regardless of who ended it, an amount of time (big or small) is always spent analysing the relationship and seeing where it went wrong. It's only natural.

[carhill]

 

I know a lot of people who came out of long term relationships just absolutely DONE with their ex partner. They spent zero time hashing over or mooning over the ex and moved onto with their life and then onto their next partner.

 

 

Good point and this ties into my 'sour the milk' theory, in that the person souring the milk is disconnecting emotionally at the same time, both because of and as an impetus to souring the milk and, by the time the relationship meltdown occurs, which might be a complete shock to the partner who finally acts on the dynamic, the sour the milk person has already processed everything and perhaps entertained replacements and moves on smoothly and without apparent rancor or reflection because they've done all that while ostensibly still being in a relationship.

[candie13]

I am the dumper. We had everything going, had to fly with him to meet my parents, had holidays booked. We had a big discussion during which he categorically told me he does not see himself married in the short future and has no idea if he ever wants to get married. I've tried to see if there is any room to negotiate - unsuccessfully. Marriage is important to me, so I left home and left him the next day. Canceled all the flights and the holidays.

 

As I cannot give up on my convictions and as I did try and find a way around this "marriage" thingy - unsuccessfully, his position was extra firm - I left. I cannot possibly come back because it is not fair on me to give up my dreams and my values. He insisted that he had no answer to give me and just disappeared. I know it is a dead end, so I can only learn to look the other way and hope better days will come soon.

 

he is not going to come back.

[jen1447]

Not sure if it really qualifies, but I had to essentially assume the role of the dumper and assist an ex BF with carrying out his dumping of me, which he started but couldn't finish. It wasn't vindictive or anything, but I knew his reasons were legit within his worldview even tho he couldn't come to terms with them. So I 'helped' him dump me and was very comforting and accommodating and available thruout the whole agonizing process.

 

He was an artist-musician guy who took life very seriously and carried the weight of the world and all that. I don't think we really needed to break up but I was certain he was convinced we needed to.

 

I still talk to him from time to time and he seems to be in a better space now, so maybe he was right after all.

[candie13]

god, NC is the worst. I know all about how necessary it is, especially when there is nothing to negotiate, but it's the worst.

[Meli22]

god, NC is the worst. I know all about how necessary it is, especially when there is nothing to negotiate, but it's the worst.

 

It is! Definitely gets better with time though. Been 2 months for me. I used to get overwhelming urges to reach out but thought it was pointless.

[BC1980]

My ex never said he wanted to break up in those exact words. He just said he didn't think we should get married, and, since the entire relationship had been based upon us getting married, I assumed that meant it was over. Then, the next day, he said he didn't think we were officially broken up, but I said that I felt we were officially broken up. So make of that what you will. In the end, I was the one who officially cut the cord and ended it because I couldn't take it anymore. I was the one who cut contact and never looked back. But I still feel that he was the dumper because he was the one who wanted it to end.

 

I like Carhill's "sour milk" idea. My ex had soured our relationship for the past year, and I think he might have been trying to get me to dump him so he wouldn't have to do it. In any instance, I think he would have let me walk had I ended it sooner. I don't think he would have put up a huge fight if I had left. I almost left once, and he did the usually crying and asking me to stay. But I don't think it was all that genuine.