Is attraction necessary for a happy marriage?

[nextsteps]

Here's a scenario no one has brought up, but trust me, it is a real possibility. What if HE one day comes a across a woman who actually HAS passion for HIM and he realizes what it feels like to be wanted as a man and not just as a good stable guy......because that could happen to. And trust me, depending on where he is in his life at that moment, a woman who really wants HIM might be really tempting after years of being the ho-hum guy.

 

This is a very real possibility and I don't want that to go near happening. I want to be that woman that will have that passion for him and treat him like the amazing man he is. This is the kind of man I wanted and I have him here. I don't want to let him go.

 

next steps, my family think he's a perfect fit and can't believe I feel this way.

[Babs22]

This is a very real possibility and I don't want that to go near happening. I want to be that woman that will have that passion for him and treat him like the amazing man he is. This is the kind of man I wanted and I have him here. I don't want to let him go.

 

next steps, my family think he's a perfect fit and can't believe I feel this way.

 

You can't fabricate chemistry. It's either there or it's not. I guess you don't have to have it but it sure makes things easier if it's there.

[autumnnight]

You can't fabricate chemistry. It's either there or it's not. I guess you don't have to have it but it sure makes things easier if it's there.

 

The sad thing is......some of the same voices telling her to marry a man with no romantic love would rip her to shreds if she OR he come here in a couple of decades confessing an A.

 

I just really think you need to set this man free to find a woman who will love him as a man and husband.

[Got it]

This is a very real possibility and I don't want that to go near happening. I want to be that woman that will have that passion for him and treat him like the amazing man he is. This is the kind of man I wanted and I have him here. I don't want to let him go.

 

next steps, my family think he's a perfect fit and can't believe I feel this way.

 

But you aren't. I feel like you are trying to make something happen that in your head seems like the best idea but in reality just comes up short.

 

I don't care if you marry him or not. But since settling doesn't seem to sit well for you I don't see you accepting what is there and what isn't and appreciating what you do have. You already seem discontent.

 

Of course for some people they don't need the romantic love. There are many who would feel the support, security and appreciation more than makes up. But that doesn't sound like you.

 

So it seems like you are going around arguing with people who are reiterating what you are already saying/thinking.

 

So what do you want from everyone? We can't reassure you won't regret marrying him at some point. We can't tell you you won't regret letting him go. This is your future and only you can plan for it.

 

Some of us have posted similar stories where we married for similar reasons hoping it was enough and for us it wasn't. But that is us.

 

So I ask again, what are you looking for from everyone exactly? You are getting their answers to your original question but you seem very unhappy with it/disregard it. So what is the real question?

[pteromom]

I just don't feel that familiar buzz and butterflies that I usually do when I'm 'In Love' which is why I'm thinking something is missing.

 

Is it possible to work on creating the buzz and butterflies? Plan an adventure with him? Get a book on sexual positions/experiments to try? Get a couples workbook which will encourage the deep conversations you want to have?

[nextsteps]

So it seems like you are going around arguing with people who are reiterating what you are already saying/thinking.

 

But different people have said different things and expressed different views. Who then am I disagreeing with? I value everyone's opinion but I cant agree with all.

 

 

So I ask again, what are you looking for from everyone exactly? You are getting their answers to your original question but you seem very unhappy with it/disregard it. So what is the real question?

 

I've found the man I've always wanted. I want to know how to fall in love with him and if that's impossible, I want to know if I can still be happy regardless of it.

[Babs22]

But different people have said different things and expressed different views. Who then am I disagreeing with? I value everyone's opinion but I cant agree with all.

 

 

 

I've found the man I've always wanted. I want to know how to fall in love with him and if that's impossible, I want to know if I can still be happy regardless of it.

 

Nextsteps - Those are some pretty good questions. You and I both know there are no guarantees in life. Some people say that happiness is a choice you make. If he is the man you have always wanted, I do wonder why you have not fallen in love with him? Does he feel more like a really good friend? Is there any trait or quality about him that you think makes it hard to fall in love with him. Is he not physically attractive to you? Or is it more of a personality thing where you feel like you are too different and he doesn't get you? When you have sex, does it feel like making love or does it feel like sex? Do you ever have intimate moments where you are staring into each other's eyes and you feel so close to him, connected and in awe that you are together? What is it like when you are being intimate? Can you pinpoint what it is that is keeping you from falling in love or being in love with him?

 

I guess the most important thing would be do you like spending time with him? If you really enjoy each others company, have similar interests and have things you enjoy doing together (outside of raising your son), then you could possibly make it for the long haul. Are you very physically attracted to him? That is important too. I don't know if you can make yourself fall in love with someone. I did read a list of things you could do once that could deepen your connection with someone. One of those things is staring into each other's eyes. I just read an article recently that said you could fall in love with anyone just by staring into their eyes. I think it had to be for more than 3 minutes. I guess it couldn't hurt to try.

[MissBee]

What happened with the guys you felt butterflies and the buzz with? Were they good relationship? How did they end? I ask because for example, some women (and men) with a history of choosing dysfunctional but intense relationships often find that they can only feel that buzz and what they think is an in love feeling if it follows the familiar pattern of being a bit unstable, a bit dangerous, something they have to fight for but if it is healthy and stable they find it boring or just cannot feel excited about it. If that is the case, then I would say if this man checks all the boxes besides buzz you should explore why that is and if it's possible that you're just accustomed to the buzz in not so good relationships and you're the one who needs to readjust what that means.

 

On the other hand, if that hasn't been your pattern, you could simply not be in love with man romantically and maybe are better off looking for a situation where you have all of that. It depends on what marriage means to you and what you want from the relationship and are expecting to give. Really explore the pros and cons and what you want, need and are willing to give up or compromise on so that you don't set yourself or him up for failure later down the road.

[Got it]

But different people have said different things and expressed different views. Who then am I disagreeing with? I value everyone's opinion but I cant agree with all.

 

 

 

I've found the man I've always wanted. I want to know how to fall in love with him and if that's impossible, I want to know if I can still be happy regardless of it.

 

And how can someone answer that for you? Who knows. You would be the best one to answer it. Can you still be happy regardless of being in love?

 

What I did, or another poster did is not going to give you a clear pathway. We can't tell you what your future is going to look like.

 

My best advice, generally, the past is a good predictor of the future.

[MJJean]

OP, you say you love him and that the sex is good, but that you aren't in love with him. I agree with the others that it's very possible you are mistaking "in love" for the feelings generated by drama. I'd take it a step further and wonder if the " I love him, but am not in love with him." thing might be you trying to manufacture some drama just because you are so used to it in romantic relationships where you feel the spark that you're trying to inject some of that drama-spark into your current relationship.

 

Please don't take offense. I have been there. From both sides, mine and my DH. We had some bad relationship habits when we got together and there was plenty of delicious drama at first. At different times throughout our marriage we've felt that "something missing" thing. After some rough patches and a lot of mutual soul searching, we realized that we loved each other, were attracted to each other, had a few individual things to work on, but really were compatible and happy together. The "something missing" was the highs and lows caused by the drama.

 

Those highs and lows are addictive and we caught ourselves injecting needless drama into our relationship simply to get a fix.

 

Thankfully, we've worked it out and have been on a much more even keel these last few years.

 

We've been together 15 years, married 12 of them. I love him as a man, as a person, and I am physically attracted to him. He says those feelings are mutual. We love each other and also consider ourselves in love with each other.

 

Can I live without him? Sure. People survive and go on after death or divorce every day. Anyone who believes they literally or figuratively can't live without their SO is being ridiculous.

 

Do I want to live without him? Hell, no!

 

Do I miss him and get excited knowing he's coming home? Sometimes. Depends on the day and our moods.

 

Do I touch him just for the sake of it? Yes. But then I am a huggy-touchy person and I also touch my kids and my pets (dogs, parrot, tortoise, cat) with affection all the time. I even hug and touch my friends and family casually. That's just how I am. Maybe being all touchy-feely is not how you are.

 

Conversation between us varies. Sometimes we talk of mundane day to day life things. Sometimes we just enjoy companionable silence. Sometimes we have deep emotional or intellectual discussions. Sometimes we tell the same story we've heard from each other a dozen times and politely chuckle or even learn something new about our lives before we met.

 

Conversation and communication are arts. You can pick up what your SO wants to talk about and take it as deep or shallow as you want to. You can branch off verbally and lead him into the conversations you want to have.

 

Hell, you can even just tell him you need more intellectual discussion directly! My DH did just that when he said he needed more intellectual stimulation from me. I started reading news outlets, articles, and blogs online as well as making some time to watch a few news/politics/current events shows so that I would be better able to stimulate his mind. We're both better for it.

 

You say you love him, that you have a good relationship, that the sex is good and that you are compatible, close, open, and have good communication. You even say he is everything you want in a man. I think maybe your expectations of romantic love are a bit skewed and because of that you're missing the romantic love right under your nose.

[Cephalopod]

No man wants to be settled for. Don't do this to him.

 

If you were extremely attracted to a guy, got married to him, and then a year down the road he told you that he never found you attractive but only married you because you had good morals and would make a good mom, how would you feel?

[nextsteps]

MissBee, I do have that pattern in my 'in love' relationships and I accept that I'm used to the buzz the intense and dramatic relationships create. All my stable relationships have been boring to me and I have ended them for not feeling the buzz.

 

Well, here's me trying to grow up and stop making the same mistakes over and over again. If this is the problem, it means I'll never be 'in love' with any stable man or it'll be extremely difficult to do so. Here's where my man comes in. He's a good stable man and habitually, I would end this relationship too. But why should I when I know that all I may need to do is work on the psychological block that prevents me from feeling the buzz for him?

 

I guess that's why I'm still hanging on, I think I can somehow rid myself of the need for a dramatic relationship and be truly happy with the wonderful man that loves me.

[MissBee]

MissBee, I do have that pattern in my 'in love' relationships and I accept that I'm used to the buzz the intense and dramatic relationships create. All my stable relationships have been boring to me and I have ended them for not feeling the buzz.

 

Well, here's me trying to grow up and stop making the same mistakes over and over again. If this is the problem, it means I'll never be 'in love' with any stable man or it'll be extremely difficult to do so. Here's where my man comes in. He's a good stable man and habitually, I would end this relationship too. But why should I when I know that all I may need to do is work on the psychological block that prevents me from feeling the buzz for him?

 

I guess that's why I'm still hanging on, I think I can somehow rid myself of the need for a dramatic relationship and be truly happy with the wonderful man that loves me.

 

I figured this was the case, it's a very common thing.

 

You should check out this site Baggage Reclaim, the woman who writes the blog has lots of great articles but basically is now married with two kids and is with a great and stable man and is "in recovery" from all the other emotionally unavailable, dramatic, dysfunctional relationships she was addicted to before. I think her stories, as well as the comments from other women who frequent her site, might help you gain some traction going forward as you may find lots of feelings/thoughts/situations very similar to yours which can help you to get a handle on how you're feeling and provide some insight you probably haven't thought about. She has lots of articles basically talking about how she felt when she met her husband, she didn't feel that in love feeling, how that feeling can be misleading, how anxiety can mask itself as "the buzz" and so on...I think reading around her site, her articles are in categories, might help. She also has some on her journey to eventually choosing a stable man and dealing with the panic she first felt because it wasn't the push, pull, intense, anxious but "sooo in love" chaos she was used to.

 

I definitely think it's important to be honest and figure out where you stand, because like you said, if it is a product of just being attracted to volatile situations then no man will make you feel that buzz unless he is one of those types, so it's about undoing that association if that's the real root cause and rewiring yourself to see love and a good relationship differently.

[MJJean]

MissBee, I do have that pattern in my 'in love' relationships and I accept that I'm used to the buzz the intense and dramatic relationships create. All my stable relationships have been boring to me and I have ended them for not feeling the buzz.

 

Well, here's me trying to grow up and stop making the same mistakes over and over again. If this is the problem, it means I'll never be 'in love' with any stable man or it'll be extremely difficult to do so. Here's where my man comes in. He's a good stable man and habitually, I would end this relationship too. But why should I when I know that all I may need to do is work on the psychological block that prevents me from feeling the buzz for him?

 

I guess that's why I'm still hanging on, I think I can somehow rid myself of the need for a dramatic relationship and be truly happy with the wonderful man that loves me.

 

Even if you had "the buzz" in the beginning, if your plan is to have a lifelong relationship chances are "the buzz" would fade over time.

 

I think you confuse "in love" with limerence.

 

We humans aren't designed to be happy all or even most of the time. Literally.

 

Do some research on limerence and on our brains wiring re: happy. You might be surprised.

[georgia girl]

Nextsteps,

 

 

I'll throw my hat into the ring of your guidance-seeking adventure. First, good on you for seeking guidance but for also stating it's your decision to make in the end. I think it shows that you are open to exploring what your options are.

 

 

Now, like others, I'm going to suggest something here. That this isn't an "us" problem or a "him" problem, but likely a "you" problem. I think you suspect this yourself. The fact is, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I once dated a man I thought was incredibly sexy. My friends that he looked like a baggy, old man. In reality, maybe he did. Who knows? What I do know is that like Miss Bee mentioned, I'm also in commitment phobe recovery. I think you need to check this state out.

 

 

Like you, I would fall in butterfly-intense love with men. They had to be "just this much" unattainable or I wasn't interested. But, gosh, if they were unattainable, I thought they were amazing. They could be emotionally unavailable, not know I was alive, or even somewhat mean to me. It didn't matter, if I had to WORK to make it work with them, then they HAD TO BE the right guy. I somehow valued how much effort I had to put in as some measure of this guy's worth or my relationship's worth. I invariably fell for the wrong guys, loved too hard and too much and got my heart broken too many times.

 

 

I decided after the last breakup, I would figure out why my ex was such a commitment phobe so I could fix him. I bought a book looking to "get him back." Instead, this book talked about men and women and their different manifestations of being a commitment phobe. One way women do it? Yep. You guessed it. They fall head-over-heels for unattainable men and leave the stable, healthy guys alone. Why? Because we actually know that these relationships won't last. We know they're going to let us down - likely very badly - and we are then free to experience the wildness of emotion that can come with truly unfettered love. Because in the end, we actually KNOW these guys won't make a commitment to us, saving us from making that commitment back.

 

 

Yikes! So, it wasn't all about fixing him? That in truth, the reason I had experienced decades - and I mean decades - of bad relationships was that I hadn't totally understood that I was afraid of commitment and that I had a huge fear of abandonment? That I was a little addicted to drama?

 

 

Shortly after I had that realization, I was able to change and finally stop idealizing the falling in love process. Then, I met my husband. He's amazing and lucky for me, I was totally attracted to him from the start and like you, he was everything I had ever wanted. Smart, funny, sexy, and so very, very kind. Plus, he looked at me like I was the most special woman on earth.

 

 

It took my husband and I a long time to realize that we truly loved each other - I was trying to still heal my broken heart and we weren't in any hurry. Then, he had an incredibly serious cycling accident while training for a triathlon. I realized I had loved him all along. Today, we're married and I am genuinely the luckiest woman on earth.

 

 

I say this to you because I really do think you love this man and I also really think that the physical attraction switch is "on" if you have a good sex life. I think you view him as too safe, too easy to get and therefore, not worthy of this incredible great love you have to offer. However, I think you have a fear of commitment. It's real and women can really seriously screw up their own lives by just making bad relationship choices in order to not address this fear. Seriously, study commitment phobia before you run away from this. He could genuinely be the absolute right one for you and I'd hate to see you cheat yourself out of an amazing love just because of a hidden fear.

[nextsteps]

Nextsteps,

 

Like you, I would fall in butterfly-intense love with men. They had to be "just this much" unattainable or I wasn't interested. But, gosh, if they were unattainable, I thought they were amazing. They could be emotionally unavailable, not know I was alive, or even somewhat mean to me. It didn't matter, if I had to WORK to make it work with them, then they HAD TO BE the right guy. I somehow valued how much effort I had to put in as some measure of this guy's worth or my relationship's worth. I invariably fell for the wrong guys, loved too hard and too much and got my heart broken too many times.

 

Instead, this book talked about men and women and their different manifestations of being a commitment phobe. One way women do it? Yep. You guessed it. They fall head-over-heels for unattainable men and leave the stable, healthy guys alone. Why? Because we actually know that these relationships won't last. We know they're going to let us down - likely very badly - and we are then free to experience the wildness of emotion that can come with truly unfettered love. Because in the end, we actually KNOW these guys won't make a commitment to us, saving us from making that commitment back.

 

I say this to you because I really do think you love this man and I also really think that the physical attraction switch is "on" if you have a good sex life. I think you view him as too safe, too easy to get and therefore, not worthy of this incredible great love you have to offer. However, I think you have a fear of commitment. It's real and women can really seriously screw up their own lives by just making bad relationship choices in order to not address this fear. Seriously, study commitment phobia before you run away from this. He could genuinely be the absolute right one for you and I'd hate to see you cheat yourself out of an amazing love just because of a hidden fear.

 

This is me alright...

 

My exH was very handsome and very charming. He was also possessive, abusive and unfaithful. I spent my married life manoeuvring his moments and learning how to remain in his good graces and felt great everytime I was 'rewarded' with his affection. Even then, I took comfort in knowing that the relationship will end someday so I put my all in it while I was there. He didn't see it coming when I filed for divorce.

 

Then i would fall for unavailable men and then trying to make them available to me. The harder the fight, the deeper the love. And I think I choose those men because I know it will come to an end at some point and be blissfully alone again. I'd be devastated and cry for weeks but when that's done, I'll be happy, ready for the next conquest.

 

About 2yrs ago, I came to a realization of what I really wanted, no drama, no tears, just happiness with whomever I was with and I hoped for a certain kind of man, such like my man and here I am still feeling unfamiliar to this sort of calmness. I also feel the craving to be alone again. Just me.

 

It's a battle between what I want (my man) and what is actually happening to me.

[MJJean]

So, what you're saying is that you are "in love" with your man. The problem is that you are conditioned to a certain relationship pattern and you're addicted to the high and low cycle of drama. Literally, btw. Those hormones and chemicals are nothing to sneeze at.

 

I recently read something that I think might be playing a part here.

 

5 Ways Your Brain Is Tricking You into Being Miserable | Cracked.com

 

I wonder if, based on what you said about being "rewarded", your brain knows a way to get a happy fix, but to get that fix it's trying to repeat past relationship patterns. A low, some satisfying effort, a "reward", and you feel happy. But that doesn't apply to your current relationship.

[norajane]

nextsteps, I went through something like that myself...eventually, I self-diagnosed as having a fear of intimacy and fear of commitment. These fears caused me to self-sabotage relationships that weren't volatile because I was expecting the dramatic highs and lows of what I had grown to believe was "in love."

 

I'm glad I've learned differently - do some reading on various relationship fears and see what resonates. Many people have to deal with these issues, but can overcome them through awareness, recognizing their patterns, and deliberately changing those patterns. What I see that's really good in your case is you already have someone in your life that you do love and can see yourself with. That gives you the best reason to do the hard work to overcome your fears.

[nextsteps]

So how do you differentiate between a personal problem that you have and need to heal and repair yourself from and a relationship where the spark just doesn't exist?

 

What if you say, 'i have a problem with commitment and defining real love' but there is in fact a lack of chemistry.

 

How do you tell the difference?

 

There have been posts here where after 20yrs, someone says they want out because there was never any chemistry... Does that mean we shouldn't give relationships any chance if there are chemistry / attraction issues?

[georgia girl]

To be honest, I think you need to do the work on yourself before you can answer that question. None of us can really answer that for you. Would it be possible for you to get some cognitive behavioral health therapy? Is there a social worker in your community? If not, I would try and get a book which talks about fear of commitment in women.

 

We can share our similar stories with you and they resonate, which helps to raise your awareness of a potential life problem, but the next step is really getting some perspective from experts which will explain how and why you react the way you do. I only used a book and that worked for me. However, I can't say what will work for you.

 

Once you have done that - explored the possibility that your fear of commitment is driving your feelings that your fiancé is unattractive to you - then you can decide if you are attracted or not. Fear is a powerful emotion and it can create false impressions. Once you have faced that fear, then your true feelings will come out.

 

Sorry. But there are no fast-forward buttons or clear cut answers. This is hard and having been where you are now, all I can say is learn, learn, learn.and do it for yourself. He may not be the right guy and you may have to move on. But if you don't address this bigger issue, your chances at a successful and fulfilling long-term relationship are diminished.

 

Best of luck, GG

[elizabeth2222]

nextsteps, I could be you 20 years in the future. Although I was in a very similar position to you, I was not AWARE like you are, that our relationship was lacking passion/spark. I can just tell you that now that the kids are older, one moving out this year, and I'm facing the prospect of living the rest of my life with someone who I DON'T have those feelings for, it is very sad. I now want to leave and start over on my own, and the feelings of guilt are overwhelming. In my case, it did lead to a type of affair, and I'm also worried about the example we set for our kids about how a marriage should look. While we always have gotten along and don't fight, we also don't touch much or show affection very often. I can't really 'wish away' the past 20+ years because we've had a really good life and our kids are beyond amazing....however, we both lived those years without much sex or intimacy. We are now late-40's and I'm about to blow up his world. I would not recommend this path to you.

[nextsteps]

Thanks Elizabeth2222,

I read your post the other day and I realised that it probably starts like this. The only difference is that we are affectionate towards each other both alone and with the kids and the sex is very frequent and very good.

 

I know that if I keep feeling like this, I would probably leave him in a couple of years, breaking all our hearts in the process. However, I don't want to let go because he's everything I ever wanted. I never thought we wouldn't spark.

 

I talked to him about it all again last night and he held my hand throughout the conversation looking at me very worried. He then said we shouldn't plan a wedding at all until I really want it and to take my time because he's not going anywhere.

 

I think this is part of my problem. I bet if he had said the relationship and engagement was over, I'd be on my knees begging him to come back. I'd suddenly be in love. How sad.

[xxoo]

Thanks Elizabeth2222,

I read your post the other day and I realised that it probably starts like this. The only difference is that we are affectionate towards each other both alone and with the kids and the sex is very frequent and very good.

 

I know that if I keep feeling like this, I would probably leave him in a couple of years, breaking all our hearts in the process. However, I don't want to let go because he's everything I ever wanted. I never thought we wouldn't spark.

 

I talked to him about it all again last night and he held my hand throughout the conversation looking at me very worried. He then said we shouldn't plan a wedding at all until I really want it and to take my time because he's not going anywhere.

 

I think this is part of my problem. I bet if he had said the relationship and engagement was over, I'd be on my knees begging him to come back. I'd suddenly be in love. How sad.

 

Can you create that urgency in your own mind?

 

Imagine how vulnerable you make your relationship when you don't appreciate it. He's a desirable, good man. Other women would live to make him feel appreciated. He could be scooped up, right out from under you, if you don't treat him like a desirable man. Does that mindset make you want him more?

 

Him tolerating your crap makes him less attractive to you. I understand. What if you treat him like a king?

[MJJean]

Thanks Elizabeth2222,

I read your post the other day and I realised that it probably starts like this. The only difference is that we are affectionate towards each other both alone and with the kids and the sex is very frequent and very good.

 

I know that if I keep feeling like this, I would probably leave him in a couple of years, breaking all our hearts in the process. However, I don't want to let go because he's everything I ever wanted. I never thought we wouldn't spark.

 

I talked to him about it all again last night and he held my hand throughout the conversation looking at me very worried. He then said we shouldn't plan a wedding at all until I really want it and to take my time because he's not going anywhere.

 

I think this is part of my problem. I bet if he had said the relationship and engagement was over, I'd be on my knees begging him to come back. I'd suddenly be in love. How sad.

 

The bolded are very big differences!

[Sunfire73]

I think you should break up with him or at least delay your wedding plans. People get married for all the wrong reasons and then regret it later. You should be able to find someone you love and are in love with. It's the basic foundation of marriage. Going thru married life will be too difficult if there is not enough love. What if in your married life, you met someone better? Are you going to be loyal enough to your husband to stay?