Is attraction necessary for a happy marriage?

[autumnnight]

OP, I was your husband. I married someone who felt like you, though I had no idea at the time.

 

I cannot describe the pain. People totally get the pain of a marital catastrophe, like an affair. Most people dismiss the chronic rejection and trauma of one sided romantic love. It is death by a million cuts. It is at least as damaging as one giant stab.

 

Please don't do that to him.

[spanz1]

well, yes you need to be in love with him.

 

 

Are you just incapable of loving him? or are you incapable of loving any man? if the former, the odds are you will marry, have an ok marriage for many years, then you will run into a man you ReALLY love, and then the **** will hit the fan

[xxoo]

Love and sex are the glue that keep people together through the years and challenges of life. In-love hormones bind, lubricate the rough spots, and provide joy.

 

Marriage is "work" if you're not in love. It's a pleasure to be with the one you love.

 

Another point, if you marry someone you don't love, you are essentially cutting off the possibility of experiencing that later in life (unless you plan to divorce).

[davidromero43]

My sister once told me "Every guy I fall in love with treats me like crap!". I told her that the common denominator was she. Until she stops falling in love with *******s that treat her like crap, she won't be happy. I wish I could say there is a happy ending. But just like going to the wrong Thai massage parlor, there isn't. She still ends up with the losers.

[Guildford]

For what it is worth, when I married my wife I was sexually attracted to her, we had good sex and I was very fond of her. However I did not know if I loved her, I didn't know what love was. About two weeks after the marriage I was in a bad accident and was in the hospital for about two months. My new wife visited me every day and during that time I truly fell in love with her. Married now four decades. Go for it.

[Mr. Lucky]

So these guys you were in love with:

 

I've been in love several times before and it was nice while it lasted but none of those men ever treated me like this man does

 

Q - Have you had a prior bad relationship experience? Were you cheated on, physically abused,marginalized, verbally abused, etc.?

 

A - All of the above. I was married to some who did all of the above.

 

And this guy you're not:

 

He said he is happy with me as I am, we have great time together and he doesn't see what the problem is. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else.

 

This may be because on the face of it, everything is fine. We spent time together, our families get along we'll, our kids are very happy, I'm not mean, we have very satisfying sex so it seems like it's all in my head.

 

It's as though he feels so lucky to have found me and he doesn't believe there's anyone better out there. This morning, he said 'i would rather spend 1 day in a month with you than spend everyday with anyone else'.

 

He feels like he has found HIS person and it's me.

 

What's wrong with this picture :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[nextsteps]

But here, she said the attraction was never there. I think this is just a situation where the guy doesn't do it for her in the looks department. She gave a not-physically-attractive dude a chance because he was a nice guy, and she grew close with him emotionally, but the physical attraction has never been and never will be there.

Nextsteps, is there a mismatch between your physical attractiveness and his? Are you an 8 and he a 4?

 

That is exactly how it happened. I agreed to date him because he was a nice guy. I thought I would give it a go, not thinking it would go anywhere and I kept seeing him when he asked, we kept getting to know each other better and we're still together after 2yrs. Yes, he's a bit of a 4 and a bit awkward, I'm a bit of an 8 and very confident.

 

Let me answer some questions:

@Mr Carson: Half the time, it doesn't annoy me when he's touching or holding my hand. The other half the time, I just want to be left alone.

 

@DKT3, if he were with someone else, I'd feel very bad that I had such a kind and loving guy and let him go. He wouldn't suddenly become interesting to me though. He really is boring by nature.

 

@Thick2013, no, he doesn't remind me of any exes that hurt me in the past. In fact, he's completely opposite to them. He does remind me of exes who were very kind and loving and who I broke up with because I had lost interest in.

 

@norajane, you're right, I might be equating the drama feeling to the in love feeling but I have had many relationships that didn't start with drama, they started with strong attraction and in- love feeling and some carried on to drama, some fizzled out and died. With my man, I never got the in love feeling at all :-(

 

@spanz1, I'm certainly capable of loving any man... I just don't understand why it's so hard to be in love with him

 

He's such a good man and I don't want him to be alone and lonely - It will take him a while to find someone else that he wants to be with. He's so comfortable with me, he doesn't ever want to leave. You should see him playing with my boy, teaching him to play a game or simply doing homework, he's just in his elements. And then my son too, when he's coming over, he sits by the window just waiting to see his car drive up.

 

I just feel extremely selfish not letting them have what they both love so much just because of something I feel is missing.

[Lion Heart]

I want to suggest a book for you to read that explains "love".

"The Road Less Travelled" by K.Simon Peck (hope I got that right! ). Look it up. You'll love this book because to me, after reading this book, I can "see" though I'm not certain, that you do love him.

 

Yep you skipped all the froth and bubbles of the first flush of "love" but often times this first flush type relationship does go down the toilet. As you've experienced.

 

I'm not sure IF one needs this gorgeous in love feeling to create deeper love. IDK. I DO understand how difficult it would be not to have that at first though. I can understand your confusion.

 

TBH my heart felt love when I saw my D having fun with her potential new step father. It's hard though if you're unsure.

 

Make it a long engagement if you have accepted. Ask for this time. Your bf seems to be doing everything right so if it's just "not there" well the decision is up to you.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[Popsicle]

Many married couples don't have sex anymore, and stay married and work as a team. They even say they love each other, but it's more like a familial type of love like how you love your siblings or best friend. They are good together and value their accomplishments in life together, their longevity, their image to the world as a couple, and their friendship/companionship. They do not have passion, sex and romance, but they do not define "love" by those things. They say they have a happy marriage though, so the answer is yes,you can have a happy marriage without that.

Edited May 7, 2015 by Popsicle

[GorillaTheater]

He's such a good man and I don't want him to be alone and lonely - It will take him a while to find someone else that he wants to be with. He's so comfortable with me, he doesn't ever want to leave. You should see him playing with my boy, teaching him to play a game or simply doing homework, he's just in his elements. And then my son too, when he's coming over, he sits by the window just waiting to see his car drive up.

 

I just feel extremely selfish not letting them have what they both love so much just because of something I feel is missing.

 

A pity f*ck is merely sad. A pity marriage is a catastrophically bad idea.

 

Please don't do it. For the sake of all three of you.

[Mr Carson]

That is exactly how it happened. I agreed to date him because he was a nice guy. I thought I would give it a go, not thinking it would go anywhere and I kept seeing him when he asked, we kept getting to know each other better and we're still together after 2yrs. Yes, he's a bit of a 4 and a bit awkward, I'm a bit of an 8 and very confident.

 

Let me answer some questions:

@Mr Carson: Half the time, it doesn't annoy me when he's touching or holding my hand. The other half the time, I just want to be left alone.

 

@DKT3, if he were with someone else, I'd feel very bad that I had such a kind and loving guy and let him go. He wouldn't suddenly become interesting to me though. He really is boring by nature.

 

@Thick2013, no, he doesn't remind me of any exes that hurt me in the past. In fact, he's completely opposite to them. He does remind me of exes who were very kind and loving and who I broke up with because I had lost interest in.

 

 

 

@spanz1, I'm certainly capable of loving any man... I just don't understand why it's so hard to be in love with him

 

He's such a good man and I don't want him to be alone and lonely - It will take him a while to find someone else that he wants to be with. He's so comfortable with me, he doesn't ever want to leave. You should see him playing with my boy, teaching him to play a game or simply doing homework, he's just in his elements. And then my son too, when he's coming over, he sits by the window just waiting to see his car drive up.

 

I just feel extremely selfish not letting them have what they both love so much just because of something I feel is missing.

 

Life is full of uncertainty, you marry someone they become ill cancer, ms so many things can change.

What if your S can’t have sex because of some catastrophe, what if they were severely burned and didn’t look like the person you married?

This happens every day, do you dispose of them? Love is a choice it is a verb (I know this isn’t popular on LS) but only you can decide what works for you.

All I know is every day your son becomes more attached to this wonderful boring man the harder it’s going to be on him. You need to get off the stick about him soon!

[Got it]

OP - I think you have to look at your history to see if you do have a healthy understanding/sense of love and what a loving relationship should be. I am not saying that you have to stay in this relationship but so you know what you should jump onto and what you shouldn't.

 

Don't do the "duty" thing. I do think it is sad that you didn't have this figured out prior to your son getting involved as not having his heart hurt is a priority for you as well so I would say you need to assess your relationship statuses a little better before merging dating and son.

 

Have you tried IC? I would suggest doing that. If you are not sexually attracted to him, and haven't been, it is not viable. Trust me on that. But try therapy to make sure this really isn't salvageable for your family.

 

Countering that, though, if you are done you are done.

[nextsteps]

Don't do the "duty" thing. I do think it is sad that you didn't have this figured out prior to your son getting involved as not having his heart hurt is a priority for you as well so I would say you need to assess your relationship statuses a little better before merging dating and son.

Countering that, though, if you are done you are done.

 

Hey, I've dated plenty, including where the relationships lasted many months and never introduced anyone to my son just to protect him. With this man, I assessed the situation the best I could, decided with my head, after a year of dating my man and seeing he was in it for real - and thought I was too - I decided to introduce him to my son and they got on perfectly.

 

For my son's sake, I would go through electric shock therapy if it would make me develop butterflies for him.

 

That's not the issue though, I would like to know from other's experiences if people have happy relationships without falling head over heels first. At least I can manage my expectations.

[Clay]

I think you need to do the right thing and just let him go. He will hurt for a while but he will find someone that loves him like he loves them. You then can move on and find someone you will really love. There is no way I would ever recommend anyone marring if they are really inlove with the person they are getting married to.

 

Clay

[Syberia]

Many married couples don't have sex anymore, and stay married and work as a team. They even say they love each other, but it's more like a familial type of love like how you love your siblings or best friend. They are good together and value their accomplishments in life together, their longevity, their image to the world as a couple, and their friendship/companionship. They do not have passion, sex and romance, but they do not define "love" by those things. They say they have a happy marriage though, so the answer is yes,you can have a happy marriage without that.

They may claim this, but I'm not sure I believe them, and that's not what I would ever want out of a marriage.

[pteromom]

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

 

Well the good thing about him is he really cares about YOU.

 

Are you able to talk to him about what you need? Have you tried to engage him in deep intellectual conversations? Do you go on dates where you can feel some spark/excitement? Have you worked through a relationship workbook or done any kind of work together to build on what you have?

 

Because it actually sounds like you have a pretty good foundation.

 

So here's the question: How important is it to you to NEED to touch someone and feel those butterflies? If it isn't something you prioritize, and if you are happy with him as things are, it doesn't really matter what OTHER people think.

 

I don't see any negatives here other than you are afraid you are missing out on some magical perfect relationship.

[pteromom]

You should see him playing with my boy, teaching him to play a game or simply doing homework, he's just in his elements. And then my son too, when he's coming over, he sits by the window just waiting to see his car drive up.

 

This would make me love him. A man who can do this is so much more rare than a man who can make your heart skip. Those are a dime a dozen.

 

I just feel extremely selfish not letting them have what they both love so much just because of something I feel is missing.

 

Is this an all or nothing situation? Would your bf remain your friend and remain in your son's life?

 

I can see why you are having a hard time.

[pteromom]

@Mr Carson: Half the time, it doesn't annoy me when he's touching or holding my hand. The other half the time, I just want to be left alone.

 

This is normal. If you just wanted to be touching him all the time and wanted to be clinging on him all the time, THAT would be abnormal.

[autumnnight]

A pity f*ck is merely sad. A pity marriage is a catastrophically bad idea.

 

Please don't do it. For the sake of all three of you.

 

Apparently a lot of LS'ers are like my ex. They are fine with a platonic buddy to share bills with. And they've never been on the rejected side of one sided love.

 

I already hurt for this man.

[ToOldForThis]

Nextsteps, I think you are struggling with what I have dealt with all my life. I am a 55 year old male, never married. My longest relationship was 10 years with a very emotionally damaged woman whom I was very in love with. All the other ones were either months or 1-3 years. For me the women that “do it for me” are the women that bring some drama, inconsistency, mystery and even distance into the relationship. The women who adore me, and are truly in love with me, I end up feeling bored with. Sex is average and I feel like we become roommates. And you know what? Finally it is sinking in after all these years that I have some major intimacy issues. I keep bringing myself toe the relationship and I am also a bit broken. The “chase” keeps distance, drama destroys intimacy, mystery creates insecurity. Emotional abuse from them and constant fighting keeps things alive so I am never bored. So that is what has been the most attractive for me over and over again. A good man for you man not be what you are ready for.

 

Crazy, emotionally unavailable woman; I spot them a mile away and gravitate towards them like flies on ***t They all had way to much baggage for anyone to carry, so like a good little porter, I grabbed some of theirs to helped them out, which would help me not see my own issues. The price to pay was as I began to get healthy I realized I was missing real love and would feel very empty and uncared after a while.

 

In the past I have been with some wonderful women, kind, generous, smart, sweet, loving, sexy and very attractive and emotionally healthy. But…. over time I would just get bored and not feel I was ever in love with them. Perhaps even feel suffocated. I never really gave them a chance since I was not really emotionally available or healthy myself.

 

This guy you are with might not be “the one” but before you let him go, perhaps you need to really go through your own emotional check list and look at some of your past patterns, to see if you have any. I would guess that if this guy gave you a run for your money, or started paying attention to other woman or even decided that he need more from you and broke up, your sparks for him might just start flying.

 

Being truly in love is very special, does not come along often and many times when we think we are in love, then it ends and we look back on it we realize it was many other things not even close to what real love is about.

[Breezee]

Hmmm…it could work for some. I mean look at people who are in arranged marriages. But I suppose this is a different thing altogether since you've been together for quite a while.

 

Look, you can have amazing sex but still never truly be in love with him as in butterflies in your stomach, etc. On the other hand, many people fall in love, marry and many years down the road, find there are no butterflies or romance but they love their spouse anyway. They love in a different, more comfortable settled sort of way. If you truly feel that you can be okay being married to this man simply on the fact that he's good with your child and treats you adoringly, then you must always remember WHY you choose to marry him and never turn away from that. Marriage takes work and commitment every day.

 

I think a good therapist may be able to help you.

[nextsteps]

Because it actually sounds like you have a pretty good foundation.

 

I don't see any negatives here other than you are afraid you are missing out on some magical perfect relationship.

 

And here are my concerns. I feel I have a very strong foundation but wondering if the 'magic' is necessary for a happy lasting relationship.

 

Last year, I read the book, The science of happily ever after, and it describes my man as the perfect man with the characteristics to carry you through till the end and describes those crazy in love feelings as fleeting and mostly based on fear and not worth basing a lasting relationship on. I even went as far as contacting the author who said he thought I had a fantastic deal!

 

I guess I need to hear most people's take on the issue based on their experiences of a lasting marriage. It's easy for people who are dating, only experience honeymoon phases before failing in relationships (just like me) to give opinions. I'm hoping to hear from people who have been there and are succeeding.

[nextsteps]

Nextsteps, I think you are struggling with what I have dealt with all my life.

 

The women who adore me, and are truly in love with me, I end up feeling bored with.

Sex is average and I feel like we become roommates. And you know what? Finally it is sinking in after all these years that I have some major intimacy issues. I keep bringing myself toe the relationship and I am also a bit broken. The “chase” keeps distance, drama destroys intimacy, mystery creates insecurity. Emotional abuse from them and constant fighting keeps things alive so I am never bored. So that is what has been the most attractive for me over and over again.

 

In the past I have been with some wonderful women, kind, generous, smart, sweet, loving, sexy and very attractive and emotionally healthy. But…. over time I would just get bored and not feel I was ever in love with them. Perhaps even feel suffocated. I never really gave them a chance since I was not really emotionally available or healthy myself.

 

This guy you are with might not be “the one” but before you let him go, perhaps you need to really go through your own emotional check list and look at some of your past patterns, to see if you have any. I would guess that if this guy gave you a run for your money, or started paying attention to other woman or even decided that he need more from you and broke up, your sparks for him might just start flying.

 

Being truly in love is very special, does not come along often and many times when we think we are in love, then it ends and we look back on it we realize it was many other things not even close to what real love is about.

 

This is indeed how it's been for me. I did plenty of emotional analysis and determined not to carry on with this pattern. Then I met my man, what I had been hoping for, a stable, loving drama-free man and my old mind is resurfacing, feeling bored, wondering if I can last in such a smooth, easy relationship when I'm so used to the opposite. This makes me feel like I'm feeling nothing. I want to be happy in my marriage for ever. I'm wondering if other happy marriages are this drama free.

 

I'm also hoping I can loose the need for bad drama and feel deeply in love with him.

[Got it]

Hey, I've dated plenty, including where the relationships lasted many months and never introduced anyone to my son just to protect him. With this man, I assessed the situation the best I could, decided with my head, after a year of dating my man and seeing he was in it for real - and thought I was too - I decided to introduce him to my son and they got on perfectly.

 

For my son's sake, I would go through electric shock therapy if it would make me develop butterflies for him.

 

That's not the issue though, I would like to know from other's experiences if people have happy relationships without falling head over heels first. At least I can manage my expectations.

 

So after a year, and not feeling an attraction to him why, when you hit the cross roads, did you decide to get deeper in instead of cutting bait?

 

Sure, there are some people that can settle on not being in love. The other benefits, companionship, friendship, etc. make up for it.

 

I felt the way you do above in my first marriage though I did at one time feel the head over heels feeling but it had faded but since we had been together so long, figured one does not throw out a good man for chemistry so I did marry him. And it worked, for a number of years. Until it didn't. And then all that other stuff didn't make up for the fact that I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't have a lot in common with him, and we lived pretty separate lives. We didn't have children so that makes it a little more black and white as well as easier.

 

It really depends and it is a big unknown to gamble a future on. I don't think anyone here can advise you on what to do. You have to listen to your gut. But your poor dating history of abuse does concern me that you many not have a clear healthy view of what love should and is. So that is where I suggest IC to delve into it.

[xxoo]

This is indeed how it's been for me. I did plenty of emotional analysis and determined not to carry on with this pattern. Then I met my man, what I had been hoping for, a stable, loving drama-free man and my old mind is resurfacing, feeling bored, wondering if I can last in such a smooth, easy relationship when I'm so used to the opposite. This makes me feel like I'm feeling nothing. I want to be happy in my marriage for ever. I'm wondering if other happy marriages are this drama free.

 

I'm also hoping I can loose the need for bad drama and feel deeply in love with him.

 

Practice extreme gratitude.

 

Also, be as sexually open with him as possible. Sex is bonding. Orgasms are downright addictive. If you aren't having great sex with him, why not?

 

I've been married a long time. We don't have drama; we are true partners, very much in love. We keep connected and in love through intimacy, both in the bedroom and out.