Is attraction necessary for a happy marriage?

[beatcuff]

...but wondering if the 'magic' is necessary for a happy lasting relationship.

 

OP, the above quote sums up too many responders: they THINK you have to have this. of course you HAVE to 'lust' for them, you HAVE to be all 'giddy' when you see them, you HAVE... you do NOT.

 

when we are younger, we all marry 'our love'. and are blinded by it. we ignore the drug/alcohol habit, the friends they have, finances, work ethic, how they treat their children... then one side spends enormous energy trying to 'fix' the other.

 

fine, its a very small sample but many 40 somethings i now know say they are more likely to marry for comforts: a S that is dependable, financial secure, caring, honest, intelligent... they realize now that these are more important than 'looks'.

 

but more importantly only YOU can decide what works for YOU. and then be honest with your potential S. it is really aggravating that some post you should let him go. WHY, maybe he wants what she is offering. as long as you are honest who are we to to tell a couple what they MUST have. and most importantly why do YOU care.

[nextsteps]

So after a year, and not feeling an attraction to him why, when you hit the cross roads, did you decide to get deeper in instead of cutting bait?

Because I think when you have a real person with excellent qualities, it's more sensible to be with them than to depend on emotions which may change as quickly as they came.

 

But your poor dating history of abuse does concern me that you many not have a clear healthy view of what love should and is. So that is where I suggest IC to delve into it

 

My poor dating history? I've only highlighted some scenarios in order to show my point. I have been with both good and bad and there's a reason I didn't stay with any of the bad.

[nextsteps]

OP, the above quote sums up too many responders: they THINK you have to have this. of course you HAVE to 'lust' for them, you HAVE to be all 'giddy' when you see them, you HAVE... you do NOT.

 

when we are younger, we all marry 'our love'. and are blinded by it. we ignore the drug/alcohol habit, the friends they have, finances, work ethic, how they treat their children... then one side spends enormous energy trying to 'fix' the other.

 

but more importantly only YOU can decide what works for YOU. and then be honest with your potential S. it is really aggravating that some post you should let him go. WHY, maybe he wants what she is offering. as long as you are honest who are we to to tell a couple what they MUST have. and most importantly why do YOU care.

 

Thanks for this. I've already done the crazy in love thing and it's always ended within a few months. I wanted to be with a man like this that I can be myself and love a man that loves me.

 

It's not that I care what people think - I was looking to hear people's experiences in marriage with their SO and how they've lasted this long - was it mostly by the butterflies or was mostly by the stability.

Edited May 8, 2015 by nextsteps

[autumnnight]

OP, the above quote sums up too many responders: they THINK you have to have this. of course you HAVE to 'lust' for them, you HAVE to be all 'giddy' when you see them, you HAVE... you do NOT.

 

when we are younger, we all marry 'our love'. and are blinded by it. we ignore the drug/alcohol habit, the friends they have, finances, work ethic, how they treat their children... then one side spends enormous energy trying to 'fix' the other.

 

fine, its a very small sample but many 40 somethings i now know say they are more likely to marry for comforts: a S that is dependable, financial secure, caring, honest, intelligent... they realize now that these are more important than 'looks'.

 

but more importantly only YOU can decide what works for YOU. and then be honest with your potential S. it is really aggravating that some post you should let him go. WHY, maybe he wants what she is offering. as long as you are honest who are we to to tell a couple what they MUST have. and most importantly why do YOU care.

 

I am going to try not to be insulted by this ridiculous oversimplification, because unless one has been married to someone who did not love them in a way DIFFERENT from the rest of their friends/family cannot understand that there is more to it than shallow lust and butterflies.

 

OP, if you wanna marry a guy you could live without because you don't want to hurt his or your kid's feelings and because you want a husband, go for it. Just be sure he really gets it. Be sure he really knows he is getting a partner who is lukewarm about him but is willing to have sex with him (at least for now). Because that is what he will be getting.

 

That is what I got. I got a man who needed a wife, who wanted a friend and roommate, and who starved me sexually for nearly 2 decades. It had nothing to do with shallow lust and giddiness. It was a deep pain that I see dismissed by people who have no clue.

 

Make sure he knows he's getting shortchanged.

[SJS]

It's not that I care what people think - I was looking to hear people's experiences in marriage with their SO and how they've lasted this long - was it mostly by the butterflies or was mostly by the stability.

This fall my SO & I will have been together 22 years, and despite our issues, I still get butterflies for him. Sure, there is something to be said for stability (in fact, a good mix of butterflies & stability is ideal), but if that's the only "glue" holding you together, will it make you happy? Can you see yourself living like this (BFF's/roommates) in 5, 10, 20 years?

FWIW, they don't have to be bad boys in order to have that spark.

[nextsteps]

OP, if you wanna marry a guy you could live without because you don't want to hurt his or your kid's feelings and because you want a husband, go for it. Just be sure he really gets it. Be sure he really knows he is getting a partner who is lukewarm about him but is willing to have sex with him (at least for now). Because that is what he will be getting.

Make sure he knows he's getting shortchanged.

 

Autumnnight, it's sad to read what you went through. I think people express their opinions based on their own experiences and my mum also thinks I'm silly for needing butterflies and she's experienced both sides.

 

Let me correct an impression here though. I'm not lukewarm about him at all. I care for him deeply and treat him with plenty of respect. Even bigger, I can't imagine being without him. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to sleep with any other man. So, no, he isn't getting this woman who is just tolerating him to share bills with. I love him. I just don't feel that familiar buzz and butterflies that I usually do when I'm 'In Love' which is why I'm thinking something is missing.

 

If we were to end things, I'd be devastated. I get what you mean though.

[summerdowling87]

Let me correct an impression here though. I'm not lukewarm about him at all. I care for him deeply and treat him with plenty of respect. Even bigger, I can't imagine being without him. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to sleep with any other man.

 

Maybe this is your OWN version of loving him.

[minimariah]

I mean look at people who are in arranged marriages.

 

arranged marriages work because you have folks who know what they're getting into - BOTH OF THEM. somehow, i doubt the OP's soon-to-be-husband knows the truth about her feelings.

 

and he has the right to know. this entire thread is, in fact, a perfect proof of why the OP's marriage WILL eventually fail - instead of communicating all of this with HIM, she's communicating it with a bunch of strangers. that alone proves that they don't have the necessary connection & openess, honesty with each other -- and that's probably the most important part of every successful relationship.

 

I'm wondering if other happy marriages are this drama free.

 

be careful not to confuse drama free with boring & not exciting.

 

i've seen this play out so many times and folks don't ever learn. they marry someone because "it's the right time", because "they've been dating since forever", because "he is a good man and treats me well", because "i thought that's how it's supposed to be" -- so after a few years, they meet the one who has everything that their spouse doesn't. SUDDENLY, they know aaaaaall those things they conveniently failed to know PRIOR to getting married. suddenly, they know exactly what love is, how loving relationship is supposed to look like, they know exactly why their marriage failed and excuse the A with the "i've never felt the spark" bull. be careful not to have that happen to you -- like i've already said, life likes to be ironic like that.

 

nothing irks me more than SETTLERS - don't be that person.

[velvette]

Hello,

I'm posting here because I'd like to hear the experiences of people in marriage-like relationships and see if mine is worth a shot.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2yrs now. He's my fiance actually as he proposed last month. He is very much in love with me and he treats me like a queen. I on the other hand have never really been in love with him. We spend a lot of time together, most because he wants to, I do too but not as much, the relationship is smooth and my son loves him. I have grown to love him and I want him in my life and don't want to be without him.

 

Do I need to be in love with him for our marriage to work? I'm now wondering yet again if it's a bad idea to marry a man that I'm not head over heels in love with. He's loving and kind and is very happy in the relationship. Perhaps I should have ended it before we got this far but I kept expecting to eventually fall for him but it never happened.

 

I feel like I will be breaking 2 other people's hearts by ending things. My 8yo sees him like a father and will be distraught if he wasn't around anymore and bf will be pretty torn too. My life is calm and happy with him in it and I don't want to loose him if it's not necessary to.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? What would you advise? Thanks in advance.

 

I was in this situation many years ago with someone I almost settled for thinking all of the things you described would be better than what I had last experienced in a relationship where I was in love but ended up very hurt.

 

 

I eventually became bored out of my mind and left. And, no fault of the man I left because he was a great person, just not for me.

 

 

I cant imagine a marriage with someone I was not in love with.

 

 

After 30 years, I still get butterflies for my H. Not every day, but I always know that any day I will feel them again when I least expect it. And, he says the same.

 

 

I also love him deeply in a more stable/mature way and feel that love all the time. As does he feel for me. Its the best of all worlds.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Odds are that you will never fall in love with him. He's never going to be that bad or douchy guy that turns you on. Do you have childhood trauma that may be the source of your deep (not logical) preferences in bad/douchy guys?

 

 

Odds are that if you stay & get married, you'll eventually start cheating on him & your son. You wont be able to control yourself. Your life will seem meaningless without the drama. Even cheating might not be enough to satisfy you, if you hide it well enough so he won't find out. You may get to the point that you will start sabotaging the marriage to feed off that drama.

[nextsteps]

arranged marriages work because you have folks who know what they're getting into - BOTH OF THEM. somehow, i doubt the OP's soon-to-be-husband knows the truth about her feelings.

 

and he has the right to know. this entire thread is, in fact, a perfect proof of why the OP's marriage WILL eventually fail - instead of communicating all of this with HIM, she's communicating it with a bunch of strangers. that alone proves that they don't have the necessary connection & openess, honesty with each other -- and that's probably the most important part of....

 

Ughh! HE KNOWS! I already addressed this in my first 2 or 3 posts. He knows everything I'm feeling because I tell him. We communicate well and he knows exactly all I'm saying here. There's no pretence in my relationship whatsoever.

 

I'm telling this bunch of strangers because I want to hear from people who have no stake in the relationship and get a diverse view of people's experiences.

[sandylee1]

Hey, I've dated plenty, including where the relationships lasted many months and never introduced anyone to my son just to protect him. With this man, I assessed the situation the best I could, decided with my head, after a year of dating my man and seeing he was in it for real - and thought I was too - I decided to introduce him to my son and they got on perfectly.

 

For my son's sake, I would go through electric shock therapy if it would make me develop butterflies for him.

 

That's not the issue though, I would like to know from other's experiences if people have happy relationships without falling head over heels first. At least I can manage my expectations.

 

The problem I envisage further down the line, is another guy paying you attention and you end up having an affair. I then see you either leaving your man, or despite the affair, him begging, pleading and doing everything he can for you. That's not good.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ughh! HE KNOWS! I already addressed this in my first 2 or 3 posts. He knows everything I'm feeling because I tell him. We communicate well and he knows exactly all I'm saying here. There's no pretence in my relationship whatsoever.

 

I'm telling this bunch of strangers because I want to hear from people who have no stake in the relationship and get a diverse view of people's experiences.

 

Because people are retarded and always think that best advice to give on here is "did you talk to him about this or communicate?"

 

As if you lived with the man and had these issues yet managed to say nothing about it to him whatsoever and like it's this biggest secret ever and communicating is some revolutionary idea.

 

You can try to communicate as much as you want, but people don't listen...obviously.

[minimariah]

Because people are retarded and always think that best advice to give on here is "did you talk to him about this or communicate?"

 

spoiler alert - that usually IS the best advice.

 

As if you lived with the man and had these issues yet managed to say nothing about it to him whatsoever and like it's this biggest secret ever and communicating is some revolutionary idea.

 

oh, sweetheart... 99% of all the threads on LS is opened because people don't know how to communicate with their partners - you're acting as if you've NEVER heard about folks having major doubts and issues and keeping it a secret from their partner.

 

COMMUNICATION IS ART - it's more than just sitting next to each other & talking, you know? so it, in fact, is a revolutionary idea.

 

not to mention that this entire "problem" has one revolutionary solution -- don't marry a dude you're not even in love with. like... it's really as simple as that.

 

Ughh! HE KNOWS! I already addressed this in my first 2 or 3 posts. He knows everything I'm feeling because I tell him. We communicate well and he knows exactly all I'm saying here. There's no pretence in my relationship whatsoever.

 

really?

 

so he knows that you're deciding on marrying him and basing that decision on LS strangers opinions & experiences?

 

you're about to get married, planning to get married, whatever - the fact that you need to hear OTHER PEOPLE's experiences and views to bring some kind of final decision speaks volumes.

 

how is that not clear to you?

 

if you want to use him - then marry him. but don't be so silly and naive, talking about "i want it to last forever" -- please.

Edited May 9, 2015 by minimariah

[nextsteps]

so he knows that you're deciding on marrying him and basing that decision on LS strangers opinions & experiences?

you're about to get married, planning to get married, whatever - the fact that you need to hear OTHER PEOPLE's experiences and views to bring some kind of final decision speaks volumes.

how is that not clear to you?

if you want to use him - then marry him. but don't be so silly and naive, talking about "i want it to last forever" -- please.

 

No, I'm not deciding to marry him based on anyone's views. I CHOOSE to hear other's experiences because I find plenty of insight in others experiences. Isn't that what LS is exactly for?

 

Besides, I'm not deciding to marry him. I have already decided to. My post was generally to ask what made for a good marriage and if the butterflies are important.

 

I wonder where you get I'm using him. No need to tell me.

 

You have no idea what I will eventually do or not do and yes, I can choose to marry him and have it last forever. All love is not the same and what will break your marriage is different from what will break mine. Don't be silly to think YOU have all the answers.

 

You've given your own opinion, take it easy and don't get all bothered because I appear not to take it. Just leave the issue and go 'help' someone else.

Edited May 9, 2015 by nextsteps

[Got it]

Because I think when you have a real person with excellent qualities, it's more sensible to be with them than to depend on emotions which may change as quickly as they came.

 

 

 

My poor dating history? I've only highlighted some scenarios in order to show my point. I have been with both good and bad and there's a reason I didn't stay with any of the bad.

 

Okay, then what is the issue? It seems like you have answered your question in the above answer.

[minimariah]

No, I'm not deciding to marry him based on anyone's views.

 

really? because THIS is what you wrote in your #1 post --

 

Hello,

I'm posting here because I'd like to hear the experiences of people in marriage-like relationships and see if mine is worth a shot.

 

you came on LS to read about other folks experiences and based on them - to decide if YOUR relationship is worth a shot. listen... if you need to THINK about IF your relationship is worth a shot in becoming a marriage? game already over.

 

when you know - you know. you'll see that if & when you really fall in love.

 

I wonder where you get I'm using him.

 

check this out --

 

My life is calm and happy with him in it and I don't want to loose him if it's not necessary to.

 

you will not lose him if it's not necessary to...?

 

yes, you are blatantly using him. he's around because he's good to you, convenient and you don't think you can do better - and not a damn thing else. when it becomes necessary - you'll get rid of him.

 

You've given your own opinion, take it easy and don't get all bothered because I appear not to take it. Just leave the issue and go 'help' someone else.

 

oh, i most definitely hit a nerve.

 

[loveboid]

People become attached to security and stability more than to passion. They don't have to love or even like each other to stay married as long as they feel they have security and stability. That is my observation.

[SolG]

Hi OP. I married my xH for similar reasons you are considering marrying your SO. I was reasonably attracted to him and cared about him a great deal and he absolutely adored and worshipped me. The major reason I actually married him was because I was too afraid to hurt him by calling the whole thing off. I figured it would be better to tow the line with this really great guy I was fond of, rather than come off the b&tch. So it was really all about me and my fears.

 

I loved my xH, I still do and consider him family and one of the best men I will ever meet. But I never had true passion for him in any way. The M drove me crazy, and him too in the end. I felt constrained and trapped the entire time. We separated as soon as our daughter left for college.

 

I am now the OW in a LTA. And guess what? My MM also married young to a woman he never felt true passion for.

 

Sorry I don't have any happy ending stories for you

[carhill]

Is attraction necessary for a happy marriage?

 

These days, with equality and a myriad of choices available and little to no social stigma regarding termination of marriages, presuming you want a long-lasting marriage, IMO not only attraction, but strong attraction, especially at the beginning, is paramount as the glue which binds the joints of marriage to suffer the bends and potential breaks which come with long life.

 

Another strategy is to see marriage as a stepping stone, either to a more successful future union or more as a business partnership in which both partners benefit. If/when things go sideways or a more attractive or potentially profitable deal comes along, exit. Rinse and repeat until the twilight years bring a desire to either be permanently single or live in a relatively comfortable couple situation till death.

 

It all depends on what you want.

[Babs22]

I'm not physically attracted to him in that if I saw him walking down the road towards me, I wouldn't look at him twice or feel drawn to him. When he kisses me though, I feel very turned on and this leads on to very fulfilling sex.

 

Why I don't feel I'm 'In Love' with him? I don't look forward to seeing him, I don't feel like I want to touch him just for the sake of it, I don't really need his company that much - I enjoy deep intellectual conversations while he is happy to talk about the weather. He loves seeing me, being with me, touching me, loves the things I talk about etc.

 

I just feel there's something missing.

 

I can understand that perhaps I shouldn't go as far as marrying him just yet... Do I stay with him though? Is there a chance that I'll find that missing thing with him?

 

The words in bold above concern me. If you don't look forward to seeing him, if you don't feel like touching him, and you don't need his company or enjoy your conversations, I have serious concerns for your relationship long term.

 

I've been in a relationship with my H for 30 years. I met him when I was 20 married him when I was 29. I don't know that either one of us was in love with the other. It is hard to remember exactly how I felt 30 years ago. I don't remember having the butterfly, head over heals in love feeling. He was very stable, a nice guy. I was very stable, a nice girl. He made me feel safe. I was not initially physically attracted to him, but I didn't think he was unattractive. I just wasn't physically drawn to him. It took weeks before we even kissed and longer before we became intimate. Sex was good, not off the charts, but it was ok. Long story short, 2 years ago I met someone who I am physically attracted to and with who I just click.

Now, I can recognize that my H and I probably both settled. Now we have kids and now things are messy. Now, I have cheated on him because the feeling of being in love was pretty powerful. I really wish I had questioned things 28 years ago. Or even 21 years ago before we got married.

 

Maybe things will be better for you because he loves you so much and tells you this and treats you like a queen. I never had that. Or maybe things will work for you because you communicate with each other. And maybe you will be a stronger/better person than me and not cheat on him if you do suddenly find yourself drawn to someone else.

 

I do kind of feel bad for your boyfriend. It is difficult to be in a relationship where the other person does not tell you or show you that they love you. It pretty much sucks. When you say you don't look forward to seeing him or touching him, it really doesn't sound good for him.

 

Take your time, think things through. 30 years is a long time to spend in the wrong relationship.

[nextsteps]

I do kind of feel bad for your boyfriend. It is difficult to be in a relationship where the other person does not tell you or show you that they love you. It pretty much sucks. When you say you don't look forward to seeing him or touching him, it really doesn't sound good for him.

Take your time, think things through. 30 years is a long time to spend in the wrong relationship.

 

I think the reason he doesn't feel bad is because my not looking forward to seeing him is in my mind. The moment I open the door to him, all is normal, we enjoy the day. I tell him I love him - and I do. I show him i love him too and he feels loved. He touches me all the time, pulls me in for hugs and we do so and so, it's not as though I don't want to touch him at all or pull away from him. From his point of view, my actions are so different to my words. I walk the walk of love though I tell him otherwise - that I don't feel the in love feeling. To him, what I do and how I behave speaks more volumes than what I say and he thinks I say those things as a result of my previous insecure relationship. I was head over heels for my exh but became very unhappy due to his infidelity and his abusive nature. I was still much in love with him when I filed for divorce. He always wanted me back but I had to do what was right for us. That was about 8years ago.

 

I have dated men where I felt every thing for and broke the relationships, because I was looking for the qualities that my man has.

 

The reason I don't feel this bad for him is because, no, I'll never have an affair. The sort of person I am, I'm more likely to leave him and stay single forever than stay with him and have an affair.

 

So, babs22, Why did you marry your exh if you didn't feel that way for him? Did you become unhappy when you met the other man or were you always unhappy in marriage?

[readynow]

I personally won't marry someone I wasn't in love with. I definitely need the butterflies and the drama that accompanies such relationships. Coincidentally, my relationships don't last as long I would like them to. My mom thinks it's because of my need for attraction over stability. She thinks long lasting marriages start with a level headed list of pros and cons and deciding what characteristics are a must-have and what aren't. She said attraction is good for choosing a sex-mate for the night and not for a life time. Oh well. Enough of my mother and her antiquated views.

 

IMO, you won't find good advice on your issue here because many here are ruled by their emotions and are here because things aren't quite working in their own relationships. We also expect that you make decisions based on your emotions like the rest of us - how dare you be with a man you're not mad about?! Heck, I feel that way too - even though my 'attraction' relationships don't last. I'm only speaking for myself here.

 

If you were my friend, I'd tell you to stick with the man that loves you and you're happy to build a life with. I'd fall for him just watching him play with my little man.

 

Have you spoken to the real married people who know you? What have they said? In my case I was advised to make it work with these good men and would be an idiot to let them go. I never took their advice.

We're all different, all love differently. If you can imagine living without him, then l suggest you let him go.

 

Meanwhile, check out this link on the other end of the view point:

3 Reasons Why You Should Choose Marriage First And Love Later | YourTango

[Babs22]

I think the reason he doesn't feel bad is because my not looking forward to seeing him is in my mind. The moment I open the door to him, all is normal, we enjoy the day. I tell him I love him - and I do. I show him i love him too and he feels loved. He touches me all the time, pulls me in for hugs and we do so and so, it's not as though I don't want to touch him at all or pull away from him. From his point of view, my actions are so different to my words. I walk the walk of love though I tell him otherwise - that I don't feel the in love feeling. To him, what I do and how I behave speaks more volumes than what I say and he thinks I say those things as a result of my previous insecure relationship. I was head over heels for my exh but became very unhappy due to his infidelity and his abusive nature. I was still much in love with him when I filed for divorce. He always wanted me back but I had to do what was right for us. That was about 8years ago.

 

I have dated men where I felt every thing for and broke the relationships, because I was looking for the qualities that my man has.

 

The reason I don't feel this bad for him is because, no, I'll never have an affair. The sort of person I am, I'm more likely to leave him and stay single forever than stay with him and have an affair.

 

So, babs22, Why did you marry your exh if you didn't feel that way for him? Did you become unhappy when you met the other man or were you always unhappy in marriage?

 

If you do those things and feel those things then it does sound like you love him. From the post I quoted, it sounded like you didn't look forward to seeing him, didn't feel like touching him. If those things are happening automatically, without having to make it happen, then there may not be a problem. It sounds like you are mutually expressive to each other both verbally and physically and with that, I think you could make it.

 

I do think I had feelings for H at the beginning. I just know I was not head over heals in love with him. I remember wondering whether or not he loved me. I would tell him I loved him and that was the only time, he kinda would say it back. I stopped saying it. I tried to trust and believe he wouldn't be in a relationship with me if he didn't love me. Unfortunately, he didn't even get to ask me to marry him. We found out I was expecting our first born and a week after I found out, he still hadn't mentioned marriage. So, I asked him, "Do you think we should get married?" and he said, "Sure." Not exactly the proposal a girl is looking for. Unfortunately, after kids it just got harder. I was left mostly responsible for taking care of the kids. We grew apart even more because we did not have things we did together. I did things with the kids, he sometimes came and most times didn't.

 

So I do believe at one time, I loved my husband . It wasn't a heart flutter love but a love because he was a good guy, a nice guy, a safe guy.

I am still married to H and he does not know about my A. I was prepared to walk away, but my youngest son who just turned 17 began having severe mental health and physical health issues. He is still having them and we have not really found any good answers yet. He needs us both close by. He desperately wants to know his dad loves him. He constantly thinks that his dad hates him. My son once told me that his dad was emotionally detached. He was only 15 when he said that. Sounds like my son is having the same trouble connecting with his dad that I have. Anyways, if H moves out, or I move out with son, I fear they will never develop a relationship.

 

At the time I met my AP, I know I was not happily married, but I would have stayed married to H. I would say our marriage was, Meh. I think I gave up thinking that it could be anything different. I figured that was what a marriage is, more like a partnership. I didn't give it much thought that I did not have strong feelings for my husband or him for me. I had never cheated on him or anyone before. I also felt that I would never do that. I looked down my nose at people who did that. I had no interest in any other man during my entire time with H. My eye did not wander and I did not wonder what it might be like with someone else. I even told people if something happened to H or if we some how ended up in a D, I would never even look for another man. Why would I, it would be more of the same.

 

I've done a lot of things wrong along the way. I should have looked for a guy who obviously loved me or could at least demonstrate it and verbalize it. I set low expectations and I let it be Ok, when really it wasn't. Obviously having an A hasn't helped things. It made me realize, I should have expected more from the person I would marry. There is little possibility I will end up with AP because he is married and will in all likelihood stay that way. My relationship with my H has been the same way for so long, I do not see fixing anything. I imagine as soon as my youngest is out of school and hopefully in better mental health, we will separate and go our own ways and I still believe I won't go looking for another man.

 

I wish you much luck and many, many years of love and happiness with your man. As long as you can always say and show that love for him, it could possibly work. Take your time though and only make the decision based on what is in your heart. You cannot make this decision because it is safe or just for your son. Funny, I'm pretty sure if someone had given me their advice before I got married to make sure that we were getting married for the right reasons, I wouldn't have listened. Your situation sounds better than mine because he obviously sounds crazy for you.

[autumnnight]

Here's a scenario no one has brought up, but trust me, it is a real possibility. What if HE one day comes a across a woman who actually HAS passion for HIM and he realizes what it feels like to be wanted as a man and not just as a good stable guy......because that could happen to. And trust me, depending on where he is in his life at that moment, a woman who really wants HIM might be really tempting after years of being the ho-hum guy.