Online Dating: The stress of having to reject people

[road]

I have the same experience as you and really don't get it. I mean the guy that I'm referring to - it went mental:

Step 0:

-I turned him down because I start dating someone else

-he kept contacting me

Step 1 (8 months later):

-I told him I'm not over my ex in Feb (partially true)

-he kept contacting me

Step 2 (another 2 months later):

-I hinted I'm not emotionally open (i.e. I started a relationship)

-he kept contacting me

Step 3 (current):

-I told him we can't be more than friends

-he keeps contacting me (and asking me out for dinners)

 

So after this aforementioned case if I ever happen to date again one day I think I'll just tell the guy I'm not attracted if it is the case. Yeah, straight up rejection is rude and stressful for both sides, but OLD guys that "don't get the hint" make it a necessity

 

 

 

 

Problem is you were not honest. Making excuses instead of telling the truth is not being honest.

 

 

Saying you are sorry but do not feel any chemistry/connection, good bye.

[h0000]

Can anyone explain why do you have to "reject" someone when you are not even in any sort of relationship?

After a few dates people are still just friendly acquaintance. Do acquaintance need to "reject" each other when one is too busy to see the other??

If you don't feel like see him anymore just tell him you are busy or you had plans. What's so hard about that

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, you could always do what most women are doing in their profiles stating,

 

"If you don't respond, I wasn't interested."

 

It's a great blanket statement quite helpful to those who suffer the anxiety of rejecting someone.

 

Funny thing, I do recall a woman that posted a lengthy paragraph about this VERY topic IN her OK Cupid profile. She said something about at first wanting to reply with a "thanks but not interested", but you see....she discovered this to be a bad thing because she was always getting guys trying to "sell" themselves to her....

 

"Why aren't you interested? According to the profile, we seem like a great match!"

 

Then she said, "I picture myself getting into a circular, never ending arguement with man who is TRYING to talk me into a meet, so I figured I'mbetter off not responding at all."

[LookAtThisPOst]

1) My dates usually lead to future ones. But ironically I think it has to do with keeping up casual indifference and having options. Since things are low key and I'm not trying too hard, it makes women feel more comfortable. However as I've mentioned I believe in mult-dating. It allows you to be more impartial to red flags early on.

 

The downside here is though...if you're the kind of guy who can't get enough women TO multidate...meaning not pulling in enough women that like you enough to date you, well, the result will be different.

 

The guy is less likely to be indifferent once he snags a once in a 6 month date with a woman. We are the product (or these men without tons of women banging on his door like fitness fan there, lol) of our own environment.

[road]

Just send this "I had a nice time but I don't think we are a match. I wish you well and hope you find what you're looking for"

 

Cut and paste it. Honestly it doesn't matter what you say. You just need to waive the dudes off and not just let it linger - which is far crueler and will only cause them to think ill of you.

 

 

 

 

A lot of women here complain about the high number of low quality men chasing them on OLD.

 

 

These men are on OLD because they are not getting the dating job done face to face.

 

 

These men try to be positive. She acted like she had a good time on the 1st date. Why can't I get her to go on a 2nd date?

 

 

He sees the texts initially went ok, so did the phone calls, so why are things stalling.

 

 

He runs things through his mind looking for where he went wrong, I showered, shaved real close, brushed my teeth, washed my hair, mouth wash, got a hair cut the day before, shined my shoes, wore my best shirt.

I paid for everything, remembered to open the car door for her, complimented her.

 

 

Then he scans his memory if it was not what he did but was it something he did not do. After he runs through that check list he is back at being optimistic after all she seemed to have a good time on the 1st date.

 

 

Man I haven't had a 1st date in a long time. I had a great time. Maybe she does not want to appear easy. Maybe she is busy now. So he decides to keep pursuing her.

 

 

 

 

The woman complains why can't the loser take a hint for after all she has not returned any of his calls. She can not see this man's mind set. Yes she sees that he wants to date her. Though she can't realize that him trying to be positive about her that he can not see the get lost hints she is sending.

 

 

This is why she should tell/send him a thank you for the date though you do not see them as a match. Take care, bye.

 

 

Remember good manors never go out of style or can be replaced with anything else.

[losangelena]

A lot of women here complain about the high number of low quality men chasing them on OLD.

 

 

These men are on OLD because they are not getting the dating job done face to face.

 

 

These men try to be positive. She acted like she had a good time on the 1st date. Why can't I get her to go on a 2nd date?

 

 

He sees the texts initially went ok, so did the phone calls, so why are things stalling.

 

 

He runs things through his mind looking for where he went wrong, I showered, shaved real close, brushed my teeth, washed my hair, mouth wash, got a hair cut the day before, shined my shoes, wore my best shirt.

I paid for everything, remembered to open the car door for her, complimented her.

 

 

Then he scans his memory if it was not what he did but was it something he did not do. After he runs through that check list he is back at being optimistic after all she seemed to have a good time on the 1st date.

 

 

Man I haven't had a 1st date in a long time. I had a great time. Maybe she does not want to appear easy. Maybe she is busy now. So he decides to keep pursuing her.

 

 

 

 

The woman complains why can't the loser take a hint for after all she has not returned any of his calls. She can not see this man's mind set. Yes she sees that he wants to date her. Though she can't realize that him trying to be positive about her that he can not see the get lost hints she is sending.

 

 

This is why she should tell/send him a thank you for the date though you do not see them as a match. Take care, bye.

 

 

Remember good manors never go out of style or can be replaced with anything else.

 

I agree with the bolded.

 

However, I actually went back and looked through all the men I met and went out with before I met my BF (there were 29 others), and out of those 29, I disappeared or ghosted on exactly four of them. So a FAR higher number of the ghosters (11 out of 29) were the guys. The other 14 were cases where the apathy was mutual, or where either I or the guy explained that we weren't feeling it.

 

So, to say that it's women who have a tendency to do this, I beg to differ.

 

But that's not really my point though, and trust me, I don't want to turn this into a issue of men vs. women—my point is that after this happened to me the first few times, I STOPPED wondering whether it was something I did or didn't do, or whether there was something "wrong" with me per se, and simply figured that it was the guy's issue. In other words, I stopped taking their rejection personally.

 

Maybe they thought I was cuter in my pictures; maybe they didn't think I was funny; maybe they met someone more interesting; maybe they failed in their attempt to get laid—whatever it was, OK, no big deal, it obviously wasn't meant to work out between us. Sure I may have wondered what happened to them, but at the end of day, I just kept looking. Sure, it was great to have a guy come back and say, "eh, wasn't feeling it," but silence sent the exact same message. That, in my mind, is a healthy way to look at dating. Like FF has been saying, you keep your expectations and initial investment low. Otherwise you do risk dating burnout when almost 40% of your dating prospects disappear on you.

[No_Go]

Partially agreed, but even after I said what you proposed, he responded like: "ok, I'm cool with just being friends" and kept asking me out for dinners. So i've been left to tell him "I don't want you as a friend because it will be awkward for me and my bf", which will be the exact honest response but is also quite rude (it is personal/friendship rejection on top of the intended romantic rejection).

 

 

Problem is you were not honest. Making excuses instead of telling the truth is not being honest.

 

 

Saying you are sorry but do not feel any chemistry/connection, good bye.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I agree with the bolded.

 

However, I actually went back and looked through all the men I met and went out with before I met my BF (there were 29 others), and out of those 29, I disappeared or ghosted on exactly four of them. So a FAR higher number of the ghosters (11 out of 29) were the guys. The other 14 were cases where the apathy was mutual, or where either I or the guy explained that we weren't feeling it.

 

So, to say that it's women who have a tendency to do this, I beg to differ.

 

But that's not really my point though, and trust me, I don't want to turn this into a issue of men vs. women—my point is that after this happened to me the first few times, I STOPPED wondering whether it was something I did or didn't do, or whether there was something "wrong" with me per se, and simply figured that it was the guy's issue. In other words, I stopped taking their rejection personally.

 

Maybe they thought I was cuter in my pictures; maybe they didn't think I was funny; maybe they met someone more interesting; maybe they failed in their attempt to get laid—whatever it was, OK, no big deal, it obviously wasn't meant to work out between us. Sure I may have wondered what happened to them, but at the end of day, I just kept looking. Sure, it was great to have a guy come back and say, "eh, wasn't feeling it," but silence sent the exact same message. That, in my mind, is a healthy way to look at dating. Like FF has been saying, you keep your expectations and initial investment low. Otherwise you do risk dating burnout when almost 40% of your dating prospects disappear on you.

 

Holy sh@t. 30 dates?

 

I guess if you get that many dates, you have to treat people like a number. I haven't had that many dates in my life. It's not even close actually. That doesn't even mention the amount of men you must have not returned messages to, to get to those 30 dates.

 

Like I said, situation is different for everybody.

[katiegrl]

I agree with the bolded.

 

However, I actually went back and looked through all the men I met and went out with before I met my BF (there were 29 others), and out of those 29, I disappeared or ghosted on exactly four of them. So a FAR higher number of the ghosters (11 out of 29) were the guys. The other 14 were cases where the apathy was mutual, or where either I or the guy explained that we weren't feeling it.

 

So, to say that it's women who have a tendency to do this, I beg to differ.

 

But that's not really my point though, and trust me, I don't want to turn this into a issue of men vs. women—my point is that after this happened to me the first few times, I STOPPED wondering whether it was something I did or didn't do, or whether there was something "wrong" with me per se, and simply figured that it was the guy's issue. In other words, I stopped taking their rejection personally.

 

Maybe they thought I was cuter in my pictures; maybe they didn't think I was funny; maybe they met someone more interesting; maybe they failed in their attempt to get laid—whatever it was, OK, no big deal, it obviously wasn't meant to work out between us. Sure I may have wondered what happened to them, but at the end of day, I just kept looking. Sure, it was great to have a guy come back and say, "eh, wasn't feeling it," but silence sent the exact same message. That, in my mind, is a healthy way to look at dating. Like FF has been saying, you keep your expectations and initial investment low. Otherwise you do risk dating burnout when almost 40% of your dating prospects disappear on you.

 

LA, I actually agree with you; if after a first meet, a guy isn't interested, there is NO need for him to send a text telling you that. And vice versa. You simply move on.

 

But what IF he DID like you, and sent you a text expressing his interest and/or asked you out again? Would you just ignore his text? Ignore his invite?

 

I wouldn't as I would not want that done to me. What goes around comes around.

 

Not to mention, I think it is rude to ignore an invite simply because the recipient of the invite or a text expressing interest causes "them" discomfort.

 

Think of how HE might feel being ignored like that? Would YOU like being ignored?

 

It doesn't matter how emotionally invested you are ... or he is. IGNORING an invitation, or someone's text message expressing interest is just rude. At ANY stage of the game.

 

As I said, sure eventually, after not hearing back from you, he'll "get it."

 

But responding back real quick simply saying you didn't feel enough chemistry would alleviate having him wonder about it, even if only for a few days.

 

Is it necessary? No, but it's thoughtful and he will appreciate it. At least that has been MY experience.

 

Note I am talking about those men who actually give a shyt, which I believe are the majority.

 

And one has to wonder, if a man DOES NOT give a shyt whether he hears back or not, what the hell is he doing texting her again in the first place?!

 

If I ever become single again, remind me to stay away from men like that!

Edited April 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

Yeah, but I don't really think it's that rude, that's what I'm trying to say. To me, no response, after the first couple of dates, is essentially the same thing as, "I'm really just not that into you." FWIW, now I know a lot of people don't see it that way, and that's fine—there will ALWAYS be two trains of thought on this.

 

There were plenty of times (remember, 37% of my dates), where I would reach out in the days following our first or second date, and say something like, "I had a really great time, would love to do it again." I most often got crickets on the other end, or guys who were like, "sure, yeah that sounds great," but they'd never follow up again. EVEN THEN, I never saw it as particularly rude—that was just their chosen method of conveying the exact same information. I spent very little time wondering what happened to so and so. No answer = not interested.

 

Sure, if we went out several times or had any kind of physical connection, then the silence would sting a bit more, but again, an ignored missive after a first or second date, to me, is simply another way of saying thanks but no thanks.

 

In saying this, I'm simply stating my opinion—I'm not trying to convince anyone otherwise. I realize you don't see it this way, and this is one area where you and I are never going to agree.

[road]

I agree with the bolded.

 

However, I actually went back and looked through all the men I met and went out with before I met my BF (there were 29 others), and out of those 29, I disappeared or ghosted on exactly four of them. So a FAR higher number of the ghosters (11 out of 29) were the guys. The other 14 were cases where the apathy was mutual, or where either I or the guy explained that we weren't feeling it.

 

So, to say that it's women who have a tendency to do this, I beg to differ.

 

But that's not really my point though, and trust me, I don't want to turn this into a issue of men vs. women—my point is that after this happened to me the first few times, I STOPPED wondering whether it was something I did or didn't do, or whether there was something "wrong" with me per se, and simply figured that it was the guy's issue. In other words, I stopped taking their rejection personally.

 

Maybe they thought I was cuter in my pictures; maybe they didn't think I was funny; maybe they met someone more interesting; maybe they failed in their attempt to get laid—whatever it was, OK, no big deal, it obviously wasn't meant to work out between us. Sure I may have wondered what happened to them, but at the end of day, I just kept looking. Sure, it was great to have a guy come back and say, "eh, wasn't feeling it," but silence sent the exact same message. That, in my mind, is a healthy way to look at dating. Like FF has been saying, you keep your expectations and initial investment low. Otherwise you do risk dating burnout when almost 40% of your dating prospects disappear on you.

 

 

 

 

Yes it goes both ways

[losangelena]

Holy sh@t. 30 dates?

 

I guess if you get that many dates, you have to treat people like a number. I haven't had that many dates in my life. It's not even close actually. That doesn't even mention the amount of men you must have not returned messages to, to get to those 30 dates.

 

Like I said, situation is different for everybody.

 

That was just 30 men. Actual dates were about 80 in total (a few of those guys I saw for a while, but most didn't get past four or five). I don't at all say this to brag, just clarifying. I was on the hunt for a boyfriend, clearly, lol.

[road]

Partially agreed, but even after I said what you proposed, he responded like: "ok, I'm cool with just being friends" and kept asking me out for dinners.

 

 

Remember some people are clueless and or live in denial. So one can always respond in a direct manner when the person pursuing you does not take the hint while you were trying not to be brutal.

 

 

"but even after I said what you proposed, he responded like: "ok, I'm cool with just being friends" and kept asking me out"

 

 

You failed to be more direct as soon as he said I am cool with being just friends. For that is his strategy to keep trying to date you. Right at that point you should of said: John, I have plenty of girls that are my friends to hang with. I do not want men to be friends to hang with. Unfortunately we will never be BF GF. So this will our last good bye.

[katiegrl]

Yeah, but I don't really think it's that rude, that's what I'm trying to say. To me, no response, after the first couple of dates, is essentially the same thing as, "I'm really just not that into you." FWIW, now I know a lot of people don't see it that way, and that's fine—there will ALWAYS be two trains of thought on this.

 

There were plenty of times (remember, 37% of my dates), where I would reach out in the days following our first or second date, and say something like, "I had a really great time, would love to do it again." I most often got crickets on the other end, or guys who were like, "sure, yeah that sounds great," but they'd never follow up again. EVEN THEN, I never saw it as particularly rude—that was just their chosen method of conveying the exact same information. I spent very little time wondering what happened to so and so. No answer = not interested.

 

Sure, if we went out several times or had any kind of physical connection, then the silence would sting a bit more, but again, an ignored missive after a first or second date, to me, is simply another way of saying thanks but no thanks.

 

In saying this, I'm simply stating my opinion—I'm not trying to convince anyone otherwise. I realize you don't see it this way, and this is one area where you and I are never going to agree.

 

Thank you for clarifying LA.

 

You are right, we will never agree, but the way you explained it, it sounds much less egregious and rude, than the way other posters were presenting it earlier.

 

I DO understand, make sense.