Online Dating: The stress of having to reject people

[fitnessfan365]

Not all men are like YOU. Hopefully, one day you will understand this.

 

I never claimed they were. As always, I was speaking on an individual basis in regards to me alone. This whole thing started when I shared my own indifference on a personal level and Saw Tooth wanted to know why I didn't care more. I never said that all men would be indifferent like me. I also never said that you should ignore men who text you. Where you get that is beyond me honestly.

 

Katie, most confident Men who are comfortable in their own skin, and have OPTIONS in dating won't give a crap.

 

The only Men that might get upset are the Men who DON'T have options in dating and are generally regarded as undesirable/inexperienced. If anything you're doing them a favor, so they'll be prepared for the next harsh rejection in the cruel world of dating.

 

I had a girl a few weeks ago agree to go out on a date with me, got her number, and then she made a disappearing act on me. I just shrugged and deleted her from my phone.

 

THANK YOU. Finally a voice of reason..LOL

Edited April 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

Katie, most confident Men who are comfortable in their own skin, and have OPTIONS in dating won't give a crap.

 

The only Men that might get upset are the Men who DON'T have options in dating and are generally regarded as undesirable/inexperienced. If anything you're doing them a favor, so they'll be prepared for the next harsh rejection in the cruel world of dating.

 

I had a girl a few weeks ago agree to go out on a date with me, got her number, and then she made a disappearing act on me. I just shrugged and deleted her from my phone.

 

So if a guy sends a text to a woman he is interested in... asking her out ...and she just flat out ignores it, he won't give a crap?

 

Wow, that's enlightening, thanks for sharing.

[fitnessfan365]

So if a guy sends a text to a woman he is interested in... asking her out ...and she just flat out ignores it, he won't give a crap?

 

Wow, that's enlightening, thanks for sharing.

 

Once again, we're not saying all men. Read what he said again :

 

Katie, most confident Men who are comfortable in their own skin, and have OPTIONS in dating won't give a crap.

 

The only Men that might get upset are the Men who DON'T have options in dating .

 

As he and I have been saying, men that have options won't be effected by it. Men with options can remain indifferent because there is always another woman to go out with. The guys that do get effected by it, are that way because they date less and take rejection harder.

[katiegrl]

Fitnessfan, excuse me for misinterpreting. My bad.

 

But in my defense, and no disrespect, but the way you post, you often sound like you are the be-all-and-end-all of what's right and wrong in the world of dating.

 

I know it is not intentional, but that is how your posts come across sometimes.

[fitnessfan365]

Fitnessfan, excuse me for misinterpreting. My bad.

 

But in my defense, and no disrespect, but the way you post, you often sound like you are the be-all-and-end-all of what's right and wrong in the world of dating.

 

I know it is not intentional, but that is how your posts come across sometimes.

 

Well in my defense I always do say "in my opinion", "I think", etc.. This way I stress that I am not trying to pass off what I say is fact. I just feel strongly about my opinions. Something of which you're guilty of too.

 

In this particular case though, I honestly was just speaking on a personal level. My main goal was trying to point out why some guys like myself and Barcode that actually date regularly wouldn't be effected in the grand scheme of things by a single rejection.

[katiegrl]

Once again, we're not saying all men. Read what he said again :

 

 

 

As he and I have been saying, men that have options won't be effected by it. Men with options can remain indifferent because there is always another woman to go out with. The guys that do get effected by it, are that way because they date less and take rejection harder.

 

There is a big difference between handling rejection well ... and just not giving a crap.

 

A man can be BOTH extremely confident and secure ..and STILL care that a woman he is interested in responds back to him!

 

Confident/secure does not equal "indifferent/doesn't give a crap."

 

At least NOT in my world anyway.

[barcode88]

So if a guy sends a text to a woman he is interested in... asking her out ...and she just flat out ignores it, he won't give a crap?

 

Wow, that's enlightening, thanks for sharing.

 

1. If you don't know each other prior, you don't owe each other anything.
   
2. If you've been friends for years and just started dating, then ignoring the other person would be rude.
   

Most people date people that they recently met though, so #1 usually applies.

[JuneJulySeptember]

As he and I have been saying, men that have options won't be effected by it. Men with options can remain indifferent because there is always another woman to go out with. The guys that do get effected by it, are that way because they date less and take rejection harder.

 

Lol. How does that make it better?

 

That's like saying, "Well, the only people that will be affected by this political move is poor disadvantaged people, so we're going to go ahead and do it. The poor, disadvantaged people can get their act together and up their game so that it won't affect them as much."

 

I mean, the way you say it, it makes it much worse. If I knew a woman that I was rejecting had no other options and thus was in love with me, I would do anything in my power to take it as easy on her as possible.

[katiegrl]

Well in my defense I always do say "in my opinion", "I think", etc.. This way I stress that I am not trying to pass off what I say is fact. I just feel strongly about my opinions. Something of which you're guilty of too.

 

In this particular case though, I honestly was just speaking on a personal level. My main goal was trying to point out why some guys like myself and Barcode that actually date regularly wouldn't be effected in the grand scheme of things by a single rejection.

 

Okay fair enough!

[Imajerk17]

I like katiegrl's responses.

 

Abby, this thread strikes me as bizarre. Lemme get this straight: You're making your conscience feel better by acting in a way that actually is rude?

 

Look, a huge gripe about online dating is how fake it is and how inconsiderate people are to each other. And it sounds that you've decided to add to that. I mean, look at it this way: You make contact with someone, email, talk on the phone, and text like you are friends. And then you meet up with someone, and just because you aren't feeling The Chemistry, you're going to treat the guy like a non-person after? Seriously?

 

I get that a lot of people act like this but it doesn't make it right. It's even ruder if the other part went out of his way and planned a date/paid for you.

 

This would be my suggestion for the text to send after a first date: "Hey I enjoyed our date but I am looking for something specific and elusive and I don't think we're a match. I wish you all the best in your search!" If he responds rudely after that, then that is his problem. Ignore away with a clear conscience.

[barcode88]

Well in my defense I always do say "in my opinion", "I think", etc.. This way I stress that I am not trying to pass off what I say is fact. I just feel strongly about my opinions. Something of which you're guilty of too.

 

In this particular case though, I honestly was just speaking on a personal level. My main goal was trying to point out why some guys like myself and Barcode that actually date regularly wouldn't be effected in the grand scheme of things by a single rejection.

 

 

Unless it's the middle of the night and I'm drunk and posting on LoveShack Lol.

[fitnessfan365]

There is a big difference between handling rejection well ... and just not giving a crap.

 

A man can be BOTH extremely confident and secure ..and STILL care that a woman he is interested in responds back to him!

 

Confident/secure does not equal "indifferent/doesn't give a crap."

 

At least NOT in my world anyway.

 

For me personally, since I didn't know her going in and didn't invest that much time, I don't see it as a big deal if I get rejected. It's this casual indifference that actually lets me do pretty well IMO. Since I don't treat a first date as a major event and just keep things low key, women feel more at ease and are prone to usually want future dates with me.

 

It's just that in genera I'm a huge realist and have always been good at controlling how attached I get early on. Plus, it helps when you get dates pretty regularly. LOL Admittedly, if I was only able to get dates once in a blue moon, I might feel differently.

[kodakgirl]

I couldn't imagine just ignoring a guy, would not matter if it were one date or 100 dates.

 

I wouldn't want it done to me, therefore I won't do to them! Imagining them anxiously waiting and wondering when and IF I will ever respond, no way, can't do it. It's weak and thoughtless IMO.

 

After a first date, if the guy texted me, asking me out again, or even just saying he had a great time, I would always respond back, telling him I enjoyed meeting him but just didn't feel enough spark to go forward. Wished him the best of luck in his search.

 

Men have always responded positively to that...some even thanking me for my honesty!

 

Me too. I think ignoring someone is very thoughtless and inconsiderate. You might not feel it with someone who feels it with you, but that doesn't make them disposable. Yes, if he's emotionally healthy, he won't be too wrapped up in it, but a bit of hope and excitement after what feels to you like a good date is natural, and positive. To me, it's callous not to be contentious of that. He's still a person, and we've still made some sort of connection, even if it was just two hours of decent conversation. You don't owe each other anything per se, but I feel it's meaningful to acknowledge other people and their feelings and their efforts, even if just for two seconds. If a fellow wants to see me again and I'm not interested, I always take those two seconds to say thank you, thank him for anything he paid for (fellows do always insist on paying for me, even though I make genuine offers), tell him I feel we aren't a match, and wish him all the best. I feel it's important to do that rather than essentially, by ignoring, say "I'm not interested in you so you don't matter." I don't think you should ever treat anyone like they don't matter.

[katiegrl]

For me personally, since I didn't know her going in and didn't invest that much time, I don't see it as a big deal if I get rejected. It's this casual indifference that actually lets me do pretty well IMO. Since I don't treat a first date as a major event and just keep things low key, women feel more at ease and are prone to usually want future dates with me.

 

It's just that in genera I'm a huge realist and have always been good at controlling how attached I get early on. Plus, it helps when you get dates pretty regularly. LOL Admittedly, if I was only able to get dates once in a blue moon, I might feel differently.

 

Well no offense, but that is a crappy attitude.

 

I realize your nonchalance and indifference serves you well as far as protecting your heart, but it's arrogant...and frankly don't know how well that attitude will serve you in the LONG TERM.

 

You may have lots and options, and attract a lot of women *initially*, but if your attitude is truly "well scew it, there's another one just around the corner," them most intelligent women will sense that from you and be completely turned off.

 

I would be!

[fitnessfan365]

Me too. I think ignoring someone is very thoughtless and inconsiderate. You might not feel it with someone who feels it with you, but that doesn't make them disposable. Yes, if he's emotionally healthy, he won't be too wrapped up in it, but a bit of hope and excitement after what feels to you like a good date is natural, and positive. To me, it's callous not to be contentious of that. He's still a person, and we've still made some sort of connection, even if it was just two hours of decent conversation. You don't owe each other anything per se, but I feel it's meaningful to acknowledge other people and their feelings and their efforts, even if just for two seconds. If a fellow wants to see me again and I'm not interested, I always take those two seconds to say thank you, thank him for anything he paid for (fellows do always insist on paying for me, even though I make genuine offers), tell him I feel we aren't a match, and wish him all the best. I feel it's important to do that rather than essentially, by ignoring, say "I'm not interested in you so you don't matter." I don't think you should ever treat anyone like they don't matter.

 

I think wires got crossed somewhere in the thread.

 

What some people like myself were saying is that we don't do that to other people. I'll always be honest with a woman I don't want to see again and will never ignore a follow up. Also, I never said that people should do it to someone.

 

I was simply sharing on a personal level, why I am not effected when it's done to me. I simply accept it at face value and focus on another woman to date. Not that all men handle it that way. But for some reason, my own personal indifference bothered a few people with them saying I should care more.

 

Well no offense, but that is a crappy attitude.

 

I realize your nonchalance and indifference serves you well as far as protecting your heart, but it's arrogant...and frankly don't know how well that attitude will serve you in the LONG TERM.

 

You may have lots and options, and attract a lot of women *initially*, but if your attitude is truly "well scew it, there's another one just around the corner," them most intelligent women will sense that from you and be completely turned off.

 

I would be!

 

But you do realize we're talking about FIRST DATES though right? That's the point I've been making this whole time. I am able to remain indifferent because it's a woman I don't know. It would be a lot different if it was a woman I saw for months, grew to care about, etc.. But once again, we're talking first dates here.

Edited April 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

I think wires got crossed somewhere in the thread.

 

What some people like myself were saying is that we don't do that to other people. I'll always be honest with a woman I don't want to see again and will never ignore a follow up. Also, I never said that people should do it to someone.

 

I was simply sharing on a personal level, why I am not effected when it's done to me. I simply accept it at face value and focus on another woman to date. Not that all men handle it that way. But for some reason, my own personal indifference bothered a few people with them saying I should care more.

 

 

 

**But you do realize we're talking about FIRST DATES though right? That's the point I've been making this whole time. I am able to remain indifferent because it's a woman I don't know. It would be a lot different if it was a woman I saw for months, grew to care about, etc.. But once again, we're talking first dates here**.

 

Actually no it's not just only with first dates.

 

I have been reading your posts, and just as an example, you recently advised a male poster who had been dating a chick for two weeks, and with whom he had sex TWICE, that, and I quote "she should NOT even be on your radar yet."

 

If that is not the ultimate in indifference, I don't know what is.

 

And again no disrespect, but despite your assertions to the contrary, you actually come across as quite insecure.

 

Confident secure men with high self-esteem are not afraid to feel vulnerable and actually develop "feelings" for a woman, even on a first date.

 

My boyfriend fell HARD for me on the first date, and as confident and secure as he is, he definitely would have "given a crap" had I not reciprocated or worse, just ignored him!

 

I can't even imagine.

 

But whatever works for you I guess...

[fitnessfan365]

Actually no it's not just only with first dates.

 

I have been reading your posts, and just as an example, you recently advised a male poster who had been dating a chick for two weeks, and with whom he had sex TWICE, that, and I quote "she should NOT even be on your radar yet."

 

If that is not the ultimate in indifference, I don't know what is.

 

And again no disrespect, but despite your assertions to the contrary, you actually come across as quite insecure.

 

Confident secure men with high self-esteem are not afraid to feel vulnerable and actually develop "feelings" for a woman, even on a first date.

 

My boyfriend fell HARD for me on the first date, and as confident and secure as he is, he definitely would have "given a crap" had I not reciprocated or worse, just ignored him!

 

I can't even imagine.

 

But whatever works for you I guess...

 

He actually said he'd been seeing her ONE WEEK and had sex twice. With that said, I still stand by my opinion. Knowing a girl for one week and having sex twice, is not long term. Just like a first date is not long term.

 

Also, you're actually claiming I am insecure because I don't fall in love on a first date? I'm sorry, but it takes me a lot longer than one date, or knowing a woman one week to develop serious feelings. If being realistic means I am insecure in your eyes than I'll gladly wear that label.

[No_Go]

I have the same experience as you and really don't get it. I mean the guy that I'm referring to - it went mental:

Step 0:

-I turned him down because I start dating someone else

-he kept contacting me

Step 1 (8 months later):

-I told him I'm not over my ex in Feb (partially true)

-he kept contacting me

Step 2 (another 2 months later):

-I hinted I'm not emotionally open (i.e. I started a relationship)

-he kept contacting me

Step 3 (current):

-I told him we can't be more than friends

-he keeps contacting me (and asking me out for dinners)

 

So after this aforementioned case if I ever happen to date again one day I think I'll just tell the guy I'm not attracted if it is the case. Yeah, straight up rejection is rude and stressful for both sides, but OLD guys that "don't get the hint" make it a necessity

 

 

I thought a polite rejection was, "Sorry, I'm not over my ex." So then of course, I'd get lingering texts as if suddenly I'd be over him and want to date them.

[katiegrl]

He actually said he'd been seeing her ONE WEEK and had sex twice. With that said, I still stand by my opinion. Knowing a girl for one week and having sex twice, is not long term. Just like a first date is not long term.

 

Also, **you're actually claiming I am insecure because I don't fall in love on a first date? **I'

.

 

^^Oh for god's sake. Never mind.

 

Re my opinion that you are insecure, no it is not just this, it's a combination of things, none of which you give a crap about I'm sure.

 

Anyhoo I am done here, You have more to say, take it to PM, I don't feel like getting an infraction because of this...

[SawtoothMars]

It isn't about appeasing and letting a woman off the hook.

1) Wanting "feedback" implies that I have desire to make changes in who I am. I'm happy with the person I am. As a whole it's no one's fault, it just wasn't a good fit.

2) Once again it really just comes down to being indifferent because I have options. Plus I love my life in general. So I'm just as good being by myself as I am when I'm involved. That's why it really doesn't bother me if a woman doesn't respond to my post first date text. I just go back to living my life and setting up another date when the opportunity arises.

 

I never had any interest in changing who I am either. I have been perfectly happy with myself for many years. However, that doesn't mean I should be immune to feedback. If you actually ASK women why they reject you, it sometimes leads to the discovery of something that you are doing that while you think might be very charming is very off putting.

 

I had a friend who just like you had zero interest in changing anything... felt he was perfect. He would literally take tons of pictures during his dates and then create a scrapbook to send to her afterwards. Guy thought he was Mr. Romance... but got rejected at a fairly high rate. At some point a lady actually had the balls to tell him a 1st date scrapbook was kinda weird. He dropped that schtick and suddenly his next date is now going on 3 years GF.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong... I didn't have to deal with this much, because very few women reject me after a date. Usually if I can get her on a date she will become very interested very quickly. In my entire life I've never had a GF dump me... it's always been the other way around. Part of the reason for this is that I have always solicited honest feedback, and it has helped me become a better person.

 

It's funny. I could see if I was trying to justify fading out on women I don't want to see. But as I've pointed out several times, I don't do that. i always follow up with respectful honesty. However, it seems like a silly argument on Saw Tooth's part to have a problem with me accepting things at face value. I mean what's the better alternative? Blowing up a woman's phone demanding an answer on why she wouldn't respond to my initial text after the first date?

 

I really struggle with passive aggressive people. I do agree with you in that there really is no good response to this. When someone does "the fade", you really cannot do much beyond requesting some honesty.

 

It probably would not have been so irritating if I was one of those guys who dated women 5 or 6 at a time, but I don't really enjoy that. I compensated for this by literally making her pull out her schedule and setting the next date before the first date was over. I expected to get a lot of reschedules and flakes from that strategy, but most women I dated were solid.

[fitnessfan365]

I never had any interest in changing who I am either. I have been perfectly happy with myself for many years. However, that doesn't mean I should be immune to feedback. If you actually ASK women why they reject you, it sometimes leads to the discovery of something that you are doing that while you think might be very charming is very off putting.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong... I didn't have to deal with this much, because very few women reject me after a date. Usually if I can get her on a date she will become very interested very quickly. In my entire life I've never had a GF dump me... it's always been the other way around. Part of the reason for this is that I have always solicited honest feedback, and it has helped me become a better person.

 

Same here.

 

1) My dates usually lead to future ones. But ironically I think it has to do with keeping up casual indifference and having options. Since things are low key and I'm not trying too hard, it makes women feel more comfortable. However as I've mentioned I believe in mult-dating. It allows you to be more impartial to red flags early on.

 

2) I've always been the one to end things in relationships as well. But I don't want it to come off like I don't value constructive criticism. I do. When exes have expressed things they didn't like, I took it to heart and try to keep an open mind. I'm definitely not perfect and never claimed to be. I actually posted recently on the value of constructive criticism.

 

But from time to time if a woman I want to see again doesn't respond to the post date text, I just shrug it off and focus on someone else.

[SawtoothMars]

Same here.

1) My dates usually lead to future ones. But ironically I think it has to do with keeping up casual indifference and having options. Since things are low key and I'm not trying too hard, it makes women feel more comfortable. However as I've mentioned I believe in mult-dating. It allows you to be more impartial to red flags early on.

2) I've always been the one to end things in relationships as well. But I don't want it to come off like I don't value constructive criticism. I do. When exes have expressed things they didn't like, I took it to heart and try to keep an open mind. I'm definitely not perfect and never claimed to be. I actually posted recently on the value of constructive criticism.

But from time to time if a woman I want to see again doesn't respond to the post date text, I just shrug it off and focus on someone else.

 

1. I completely agree that you have to be indifferent and casual. Actually I would phrase it more like attentive, yet emotionally reserved. When I multi-date, it just always seems to lead into sticky situations.

2. Do not confine that constructive criticism only to relationships. In a way it is important to never stop dating. In many ways I am still dating my wife... and it's fun.

 

Our positions are really not that different. I just would prefer a woman tell me when she doesn't want to see me again, rather than act as if I am some delicate little flower that can't handle it.

[barcode88]

I have the same experience as you and really don't get it. I mean the guy that I'm referring to - it went mental:

Step 0:

-I turned him down because I start dating someone else

-he kept contacting me

Step 1 (8 months later):

-I told him I'm not over my ex in Feb (partially true)

-he kept contacting me

Step 2 (another 2 months later):

-I hinted I'm not emotionally open (i.e. I started a relationship)

-he kept contacting me

Step 3 (current):

-I told him we can't be more than friends

-he keeps contacting me (and asking me out for dinners)

 

So after this aforementioned case if I ever happen to date again one day I think I'll just tell the guy I'm not attracted if it is the case. Yeah, straight up rejection is rude and stressful for both sides, but OLD guys that "don't get the hint" make it a necessity

 

It's a bit indirect, but i'll admit its at least polite.

 

The mistake you made was REPLYING to his future messages. You need to maintain no contact if you want them to leave you alone.

 

Some guys are pathetic and can't figure out they're being rejected.

[No_Go]

Indeed, but I kept to the common belief that not responding is considered very rude (especially in addition to the friendship twist)

 

Btw happy to see that some guys here prefer the no-contact way out. I personally didn't enjoy it but would prefer it than bs explanations.

 

It's a bit indirect, but i'll admit its at least polite.

 

The mistake you made was REPLYING to his future messages. You need to maintain no contact if you want them to leave you alone.

 

Some guys are pathetic and can't figure out they're being rejected.

[road]

Just send this "I had a nice time but I don't think we are a match. I wish you well and hope you find what you're looking for"

 

Cut and paste it. Honestly it doesn't matter what you say. You just need to waive the dudes off and not just let it linger - which is far crueler and will only cause them to think ill of you.

 

 

 

When you look up "class" in the dictionary, next to that word you will see a picture of Mrin.