Online Dating: The stress of having to reject people

[barcode88]

Rejection for OLD should only be done in one of two ways:

 

1. Being polite but direct. Tell him you're not interested.
   
2. Ignore him.
   

[loveweary11]

Just send this "I had a nice time but I don't think we are a match. I wish you well and hope you find what you're looking for"

 

Cut and paste it. Honestly it doesn't matter what you say. You just need to waive the dudes off and not just let it linger - which is far crueler and will only cause them to think ill of you.

 

This is exactly how I do it. Imo, it lacks human compassion to just ignore people.

 

I even tell people I'm blocking them, if i do that.

 

If you are busy on the road, just voice text it.

[fitnessfan365]

As I said previously, I think it depends on how much you're dating. If you date regularly, you honestly become indifferent to rejection. One woman not wanting to see you again doesn't faze you, because you know you'll have another date lined up sooner than later. So while I don't fade out on women I don't want to see again, I don't care if one does it to me. I simply focus on another woman.

 

Also, people should try to remain more realistic and live in the moment on a first date. This is a stranger you don't know and if she doesn't like you, it shouldn't diminish you. It's not that you did anything wrong, or there is anything wrong with you in general. It's just that she wasn't feeling it and in the end nothing she tells you changes that.

[barcode88]

I think some Women just don't have the guts to be honest. It's like they think that the guy is some poor creature and he's going to be utterly devastated that she rejected him. Sure, maybe some guys are like that - but most guys will shrug it off and move on.

[Versacehottie]

I think the trick is to not get emotionally invested at all by one date.

 

When I was OLD, and wasn't interested in a guy who messaged me, or didn't want to go out a second time, I would ignore. You're right, some think it's rude, but it is stressful and often times an outright waste of time to have to explain to someone, I just wasn't feeling it. They want a longer explanation (there usually isn't one), or they get defensive or won't take no for an answer. Ignoring a text sends the same message. And before people jump down my throat, I have to say that A LOT of the guys I went on one date with, or messaged online, pulled the ignore call, too. Once you get into multiple dates with someone, then fading/ignoring is not cool.

 

LA is right. After one date, ignoring and not responding to ask out for second time says what a person needs to know. Giving a longer explanation at that stage is unnecessary. Anyone normal knows what the ignore means. The ones that don't or start pestering you just proved that you were right to ignore them. It's hard which is why you don't want to explain after just one because if the explanation is an easy let-down, a bit of a white lie, they will try to fix whatever you say the reason is.

 

If you've gone on more than one date, you owe some sort of explanation

[katiegrl]

Look guys, no one is suggesting that a person is *obligated* to send a quick text back letting the other know they're not interested, nor does it mean you're a bad person if you don't and choose to ignore .... only that IMO it's a thoughtful and courteous thing to do so the other person isn't left wondering!

 

Sure *some* men don't give a crap and are indifferent, and that's fine for them, but not all men are that indifferent and they DO give a crap!

 

And while sure, after a few days of not receiving a response, those men will eventually "get it" and realize she's just not interested, in most cases, they are still left wondering what the hell happened.

 

Is she playing hard to get? Should I call/text one more time? Did she get back with an ex? Did I say/do something that offended her?

 

Those are just *some* of the questions many guys ask.. as evidenced by the threads they're creating on this message board!

 

And while again, those men who are indifferent to it and don't give a crap can shout "after one date, she shouldn't even be on your radar yet!," I refuse to believe most men are that callous and insensitive, with so many options that it's no big deal -- it's human nature and very possible to develop an interest in another person after only one date!

 

And if the woman (or man if the roles were reversed) is NOT interested, while a quick text back letting them know is NOT *required* per se, common courtesy and a little thoughtfulness would dictate it's just a kind thing to do.

[SawtoothMars]

If I'm not interested in seeing a woman again, I am tactfully honest about it. I don't just fade away. However, when it's done to me I could care less. The question I have is why are you getting so invested in a complete stranger? You shouldn't need "closure" after one date. Also, dating is supposed to be fun, playful, and stress free. If you're treating it like student/teacher relations, job interviewing, etc maybe that's why you're not being successful.

I can honestly say that it is not a matter of ego. It's just that when you live in abundance, you become indifferent. I'm not trying to be cocky. Just stating a fact. If a woman doesn't want to see me again, I just take it at face value. Then I simply line up another date. I don't need clarification from her to make myself feel better. I'm guessing that since you don't date that much, that's why you take rejection harder and need closure so badly to figure things out. But for me, I just meet someone new and don't let one woman diminish me.

 

I don't need "closure"... I want feedback!

 

I also don't want to waste time. I don't completely disagree with what you are saying here. I think the difference is that I don't like to "Multi-Date". Which means if I spend 3 or 4 days waiting for somebody to respond.... that is a HUGE waste of my time.

 

Actually... I should say WAS a huge waste of my time. I am married to the most fantastic woman.

 

I think your dating style and attitude in most situations mirrors mine. You tend towards being an appeaser though.

[SawtoothMars]

Look guys, no one is suggesting that a person is *obligated* to send a quick text back letting the other know they're not interested, nor does it mean you're a bad person if you don't and choose to ignore .... only that IMO it's a thoughtful and courteous thing to do so the other person isn't left wondering!

Sure *some* men don't give a crap and are indifferent, and that's fine for them, but not all men are that indifferent and they DO give a crap!

 

Katiegrl... I would consider myself lucky to be rejected by such a high quality and intelligent woman as yourself! :bunny:

[fitnessfan365]

I think your dating style and attitude in most situations mirrors mine. You tend towards being an appeaser though.

 

It isn't about appeasing and letting a woman off the hook.

 

1) Wanting "feedback" implies that I have desire to make changes in who I am. I'm happy with the person I am. As a whole it's no one's fault, it just wasn't a good fit.

 

2) Once again it really just comes down to being indifferent because I have options. Plus I love my life in general. So I'm just as good being by myself as I am when I'm involved. That's why it really doesn't bother me if a woman doesn't respond to my post first date text. I just go back to living my life and setting up another date when the opportunity arises.

[katiegrl]

Sometimes it's more than "we're just not a good fit," I mean there have been a few dates I have had where the guy was just a huge arrogant pr*ck.

 

And with guys like that, I have been known to get up and leave and completely ignore their attempts to talk afterwards.

 

Such guys *are* indifferent and don't give a crap, so it would be a futile waste of energy attempting to educate them on what a huge turn off they are, as they're completely blind to their inadequacies, would only get defensive, and have no desire to change... for anyone!

 

I truly hope their indifference (and arrogance) keeps them warm at night cause chances are no woman with even a little bit going for her will be sticking around long enough to keep him warm at night .... or anything else for that matter!

 

Congrats on your happy marriage sawtooth! :)

[fitnessfan365]

Sometimes it's more than "we're just not a good fit," I mean there have been a few dates I have had where the guy was just a huge arrogant pr*ck.

 

And with guys like that, I have been known to get up and leave and completely ignore their attempts to talk afterwards.

 

Such guys *are* indifferent and don't give a crap, so it would be a futile waste of energy attempting to educate them on what a huge turn off they are, as they're completely blind to their inadequacies, would only get defensive, and have no desire to change... for anyone!

 

I truly hope their indifference (and arrogance) keeps them warm at night cause chances are no woman with even a little bit going for her will be sticking around long enough to keep him warm at night .... or anything else for that matter!

 

Congrats on your happy marriage sawtooth! :)

 

It's funny. I could see if I was trying to justify fading out on women I don't want to see. But as I've pointed out several times, I don't do that. i always follow up with respectful honesty. However, it seems like a silly argument on Saw Tooth's part to have a problem with me accepting things at face value. I mean what's the better alternative? Blowing up a woman's phone demanding an answer on why she wouldn't respond to my initial text after the first date?

 

I definitely agree with you though Katie in regards to there being two types of indifference. There's the type you're referring to. Guys that are arrogant, full of themselves, and unwilling to change that usually wind up bitter and alone. I actually posted somewhat recently on how accepting constructive criticism and being willing to change would help more people. Like I've had women tell me that I'm too rigid and schedule happy at times. So lately I've been trying to have more of a go with the flow attitude. I actually just made a spur of the moment date tonight for tomorrow night instead of trying to plan it out more. But then there's the other kind that applies to me where you're simply a realist with options. When you're happy with your life in general, and get dates easily, why stress over one woman?

Edited April 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Gottabestrong]

Late to the party, but wanted to post my input. Whenever I went on a date with someone and they did not act in a terrible way (which I had happen sometimes) I ALWAYS replied if they contacted me again and said something like 'Thank you for the date, but I don't think we are a good match'.

 

Yes, it sucks to reject someone, but I'd rather do that than ignore them, which I think it worse.

[El Pallasso]

Abby, think about it for a second. How would you feel if you went on countless dates with different guys you were genuinely interested in and attached to but they ignored you after the first date? You would be crushed and eventually lose motivation to keep dating.

 

A simple "Thank you for the date but we aren't compatible" or something along those lines.

 

When you decide to date, having to reject people comes part and parcel.

 

I understand that rejection can seem mean or tough to do but a simple polite rejection is much better than ignoring someone who spent their time striking a conversation with you and taking the time out of their day to schedule a date with you.

[lollipopspot]

Well, I had an experience once where a guy "broke up" with me, and I didn't even think that we were dating, I thought we were just hanging out. We hadn't had sex or anything. I think the fade out would have been better. I wouldn't even really have registered it as a rejection - instead just, we're both busy with our lives - if he wasn't so blunt about telling me he was rejecting me!

 

So, I don't know.

[losangelena]

Abby, think about it for a second. How would you feel if you went on countless dates with different guys you were genuinely interested in and attached to but they ignored you after the first date? You would be crushed and eventually lose motivation to keep dating.

 

No offense, but this seems like an extreme attitude to me.

 

I see first dates as initial meetings. Yes, I may be excited for them or optimistic for more, but I don't think I've ever been attached to someone by the first date.

 

If a guy doesn't like me after the first date, who cares? What have I invested, other than three hours of my time? It's no skin off my back or nose or any other body part if they decide not to want to see me again, and I'm not crushed if I don't hear from them again.

 

Everyone's got a different approach, I realize, but I try to leave any kind of heavy emotional investment for later on, after several we've gone out on several dates and obviously like each other.

[katiegrl]

No offense, but this seems like an extreme attitude to me.

 

I see first dates as initial meetings. Yes, I may be excited for them or optimistic for more, but I don't think I've ever been attached to someone by the first date.

 

If a guy doesn't like me after the first date, who cares? What have I invested, other than three hours of my time? It's no skin off my back or nose or any other body part if they decide not to want to see me again, and I'm not crushed if I don't hear from them again.

 

Everyone's got a different approach, I realize, but I try to leave any kind of heavy emotional investment for later on, after several we've gone out on several dates and obviously like each other.

 

That's true LA, but if a guy texts you after the date, expressing his interest and/or asks you out again, obviously *he* IS interested in you, and as such *would* care if you just ignored him and never responded. Otherwise, he would not have texted you!

 

Reversing the roles, if after a first meet, "you" were not interested, why are you texting him in the first place?

 

That is what we are talking about here. A guy/girl actually being interested after a first date/meet, enough so that they send a text expressing their interest and/or asking them out again, and the recipient of the text just ignoring them!

 

That is insensitive and rude. IMO.

Edited April 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[barcode88]

Look Ladies here is how I see it:

 

1. If it's been ONE DATE or less, no explanation is needed - you can simply ignore.
   
2. If you've gone on MORE than One date, its polite to send a polite rejection text: "Hey I had fun and you seem great, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck!" If he continues to text you, THEN you ignore. Most guys wont text you back, but Needy Insecure guys will text you back asking what they did wrong or trying to get you to change your mind - don't entertain this.
   
3. No matter what, you NEVER lead a guy on by being vague or trying to drop "hints". If you're going to reject a guy you need to either Cut Contact OR Tell him that you're rejecting him firmly/assertively. See example in #2.
   

[lookingforclosure]

I have had to "reject" someone so to speak online dating...I realized he was much younger than I originally thought. I was honest and told him that the age difference was a personal issue for me, but he really was nice to talk to and friendly. I get the ...yeah, you are an old hag. I was like WTH??? You were interested in me buddy.

But from my experience of being ignored and dropped from a man I was in a relationship with for over a year, I feel I should be honest...no matter what the response lol

[Teraskas]

I prefer straight up honesty and actual feedback compared to the mind games, and general bs that seems to reign supreme in the dating culture these days...

[katiegrl]

Look Ladies here is how I see it:

 

1. If it's been ONE DATE or less, no explanation is needed - you can simply ignore.
   
2. If you've gone on MORE than One date, its polite to send a polite rejection text: "Hey I had fun and you seem great, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck!" If he continues to text you, THEN you ignore. Most guys wont text you back, but Needy Insecure guys will text you back asking what they did wrong or trying to get you to change your mind - don't entertain this.
   
3. No matter what, you NEVER lead a guy on by being vague or trying to drop "hints". If you're going to reject a guy you need to either Cut Contact OR Tell him that you're rejecting him firmly/assertively. See example in #2.
   

 

I agree you *can* do anything you want, no one "owes" anyone anything unless they've been dating awhile.

 

But speaking personally, when a man I just met is interested enough to text me again, asking me out, I could not imagine just IGNORING that.

 

Wouldn't want it done to me, and I tend to treat people the way I prefer to be treated.

 

Has worked out well for me...

 

But to each his own...

[fitnessfan365]

That's true LA, but if a guy texts you after the date, expressing his interest and/or asks you out again, obviously *he* IS interested in you, and as such *would* care if you just ignored him and never responded. Otherwise, he would not have texted you!

 

Reversing the roles, if after a first meet, "you" were not interested, why are you texting him in the first place?

 

That is what we are talking about here. A guy/girl actually being interested after a first date/meet, enough so that they send a text expressing their interest and/or asking them out again, and the recipient of the text just ignoring them!

 

That is insensitive and rude. IMO.

 

I don't think that's what she is saying though. She never claimed that she fades out on guys. She's simply saying that she remains indifferent if it's done to her. That's what my stance is too. If I don't want to see a woman again after a first date, I let her know and be honest. But if I text a woman and she doesn't get back to me, I just accept it and focus on another woman. I'm indifferent because I have other options.

 

This whole argument of people implying that we should be bothered when we're rejected by a stranger we had one date with is ridiculous IMO.

Edited April 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

I don't think that's what she is saying though.

 

She is simply saying she remains indifferent if it's done to her. Just like I remain indifferent when it's done to me. But I don't do it to women I date. If I don't want to see a woman again, I let her know regardless. I'll either respond to her text and be honest, or send one of my own.

 

But if it's done to me, I'm honestly indifferent to it. I just accept it and focus on another woman. This type of indifference because you have options is a good thing IMO. This whole argument of people saying "You should want to know why someone doesn't respond to your text!" is ridiculous IMO.

 

Good for you.

 

That doesn't mean everyone is indifferent to it, and on the off chance the man I just met is NOT indifferent to it, I would rather opt for being courteous and respectful, and respond back by saying "Thanks for the invite. I enjoyed meeting you, but didn't feel enough spark to move forward, good luck in your search."

 

If you personally don't give a crap, so be it.

 

Like I said to each his own.

Edited April 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[fitnessfan365]

Good for you.

 

That doesn't mean everyone is indifferent to it, and on the off chance the man I just met is NOT indifferent to it, I would rather opt for being courteous and respectful, and respond back by saying "Thanks for the invite. I enjoyed meeting you, but didn't feel enough spark to move forward, good luck in your search."

 

If you personally don't give a crap, so be it.

 

Like I said to each his oen?.

 

It still feels like you're not getting what I am saying. I've said many times now that if a woman wants to see me again and I don't feel the same, I let her know honestly.

 

All I am saying is that if it's done to me I accept it at face value and focus on other women.

[katiegrl]

It still feels like you're not getting what I am saying. I've said many times now that if a woman wants to see me again and I don't feel the same, I let her know honestly.

 

All I am saying is that if it's done to me I accept it at face value and focus on other women.

 

Don't underestimate me, I get it.

 

You are courteous and respectful and always text back ... and that is swell.

 

But you don't give a crap if a woman extends to you the same courtesy. I get that!

 

What *I* am saying is that not ALL men share your indifferent attitude. And since I don't know whether or not he does share your indifferent attitude, I choose to opt for being courteous and respectful.

 

Because, unlike you, he may just give a crap and DOES care whether or not he receives a response back.

 

I am thinking about how HE may be feeling.. I'm not gonna just ignore him because some guy on a message is indifferent to it, and doesn't give a crap whether she texts him back or not.

 

Not all men are like YOU. Hopefully, one day you will understand this.

[barcode88]

Don't underestimate me, I get it.

 

You are courteous and respectful and always text back ... and that is swell.

 

But you don't give a crap if a woman extends to you the same courtesy. I get that!

 

What *I* am saying is that not ALL men share your indifferent attitude. And since I don't know whether or not he does share your indifferent attitude, I choose to opt for being courteous and respectful.

 

Because, unlike you, he may just give a crap and DOES care whether or not he receives a response back.

 

I am thinking about how HE may be feeling.. I'm not gonna just ignore him because some guy on a message is indifferent to it, and doesn't give a crap whether she texts him back or not.

 

Katie, most confident Men who are comfortable in their own skin, and have OPTIONS in dating won't give a crap.

 

The only Men that might get upset are the Men who DON'T have options in dating and are generally regarded as undesirable/inexperienced. If anything you're doing them a favor, so they'll be prepared for the next harsh rejection in the cruel world of dating.

 

I had a girl a few weeks ago agree to go out on a date with me, got her number, and then she made a disappearing act on me. I just shrugged and deleted her from my phone.