Nice guy but no sexual chemistry....try to teach or don't bother?

[KismetGirl]

Well sex on the first date I would be too nervous unless I was drinking . I am far from new to sex but woman my age have had at least 15 to 100 partners by now so it a kind of intimidating some what . A lot of woman have a three strikes your out she dump you if your bad in bed.

 

 

OP how old are you two? I know woman hate inexperienced guts and all.

 

Why not give him some time what do you got to lose?

 

So what he did not take the bull by the horns . I know woman want a guy to go for sex right away now days . It takes a confident guy to do so.

 

I know I am inexperienced for my age group but not new to sex. That why guys like us have to have a I Do Not Give a F attitude and go for it.

 

Thus guy needs to swing like Ray Rice and go for it. LOL

 

Hahahaha swing like Ray Rice.

 

I mean.....you know what the problem is , its not numbers, its also raw "talent" if you will. Some people are just good at things naturally, and some arent'. Some can learn, and some cant. He obviously is not a natural talent-- my only concern would be now if he can learn or not I guess.

 

Ive had a lot of partners, but I think if you asked my early on partners (many of which I am still in contact with all these years later), all of whom were MUCH more experienced than me at the time, they could honestly say I was decent from the start. But who knows.

 

All I know is that I can tell he doesnt really know what he's doing and is trying to wing it. Maybe he was too nervous. That's true. As I said I am very open sexually when discussing things and maybe this overwhelmed him and made him feel pressured to perform. He did mention some surprise when I said (lied) that I dont want to sleep with him on a second date, and said something along the lines of "oh well I just thought from what you were saying about sex being ok on first dates that you wanted me to do this now". So maybe yes, maybe he's not experienced and just did it because he thought I was expecting it faster. I dont know. Honestly its hard to tell sometimes.

[KismetGirl]

I doubt it, after all, his g/f's lasted a year, don't tell me he's not done anything with them in that year.

 

He could be lying about those g/f's even existing, let alone lasting a year. When I asked him when his last relationship was and how long his longest one was, he seemed like he didnt really want to answer. So it's possible he lied just to not seem so inexperienced.

[road]

 

Another clue about these types of people - if he was a straight up virgin, what you saw was likely his absolute first time trying to really do anything substantial with a woman. So yeah, he would suck, and he might seem unreachable for all the reasons you mentioned. But think about it, if you were going to attempt to train a virgin to be a Lothario on the first date, how well do you think he'd improve on the first date? Not much. He's just seeing all this stuff for the first time. So I think you'll find that even on the next go round he may be much improved, just because he's had a chance to process and isn't attempting to be something he's not on the fly.

 

 

 

 

He is one of those type of people seeing a woman's panties for the first time......with a woman wearing them live, in person, leaves him happy and clueless. For does she want to go past 1st base, 2nd, 3rd, does he dare think home plate. Does he go to the next base? If he does and she gets mad then he's tagged out and date is over. He's thinking am I screwed if I do screwed if I don't. So he follows her lead. Because he's happy to just be where he is.

 

 

Does she realize this and that the reins?

[LookAtThisPOst]

He could be lying about those g/f's even existing, let alone lasting a year. When I asked him when his last relationship was and how long his longest one was, he seemed like he didnt really want to answer. So it's possible he lied just to not seem so inexperienced.

 

Why are you assuming the worst about this guy? Don't concern yourself with such things, man.

[JohnsonBaby]

Your post was a pleasure to read .

As for the guy ,well I think it has nothing to do with age as I had guys 10+younger than me and were skilled In all areas. It definetly has to do with experience . I had a guy who was clueless in bed and thought he was a big waste of time ,knowing me I could have never settled for mediocrity .

By the sound of it you Won't either.

[Jessie1231]

Your post was really funny, but unfortunately I could relate to it.

 

My last boyfriend wasn't my normal type. I met him and wasn't totally attracted to him. But we had lunch and once I talked to him, he was just so sweet and attentive and he had this accent that I found adorable. So I went on date two, and like your guy he was the most romantic person. He went over and above anything I had seen before.

 

Then we got intimate, and it was clear he didn't have a clue what he was doing. The poor guy tried, but he just didn't understand where the parts were located on a woman. He definitely wasn't a virgin, but he had been in a long marriage before me and said that it was mostly sexless (like years would go by without sex). So then I was wondering if the reason his marriage was sexless was because his wife just gave up on how bad he was.

 

I stuck it out for a few months. Tried everything. Told him what I liked, showed him what I liked, we bought toys together, watched some porn together. Nothing at all worked. I kept overlooking it and after a few months we broke up for other reasons but I always wondered how I would be able to stay in that relationship when the sex was so bad and I had no clue how to fix it.

 

Not saying that some people can't get better at it and obviously I thought it was worth at least a try. But mine didn't work out at all, and you have to be careful with a subject like that because you don't want to give the guy a complex you know?

[road]

 

Another clue about these types of people - if he was a straight up virgin, what you saw was likely his absolute first time trying to really do anything substantial with a woman. So yeah, he would suck, and he might seem unreachable for all the reasons you mentioned. But think about it, if you were going to attempt to train a virgin to be a Lothario on the first date, how well do you think he'd improve on the first date? Not much. He's just seeing all this stuff for the first time. So I think you'll find that even on the next go round he may be much improved, just because he's had a chance to process and isn't attempting to be something he's not on the fly.

 

 

 

 

He is one of those type of people seeing a woman's panties for the first time......with a woman wearing them live, in person, leaves him happy and clueless. For does she want to go past 1st base, 2nd, 3rd, does he dare think home plate. Does he go to the next base? If he does and she gets mad then he's tagged out and date is over. He's thinking am I screwed if I do screwed if I don't. So he follows her lead. Because he's happy to just be where he is.

 

 

Does she realize this and that the reins?

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is why once a guy is 20 and a virgin that he'll end up 30 then 40 and then 50 as a virgin, because idiot guys like you destroy their confidence

 

Look at the bright side of this crazed thinking. the number of 30,40,50 year old virgins will skyrocket. at least they won't be alone. but they won't be having sex because they obviously aren't gay and women will look at them as freaks of nature.

 

 

I HAVE noticed the amount of threads here on Love Shack that have skyrocketed when it comes to the "I'm X (20's and 30's or even older) age, and hadn't ever had a girlfriend/sex" etc" threads that had been cropping up. Likely this is due to the difficulty for some women who have made it considerably difficult when it comes to the dating world.

 

By the aforementioned age...it seems there's some kind of snowball effect. I remember back in my high school days...where dudes were bragging about having gotten a BJ under the bleachers by Suzie Q or got to finally bang his g/f on his Sr. prom...of course, there are the men that didn't get laid in high school....for obvious reason like teen pregnancy...duh....but then I think it even snowballs when these men head to college.

 

"What? You never had a girlfriend in high school?" "You never did it in the back seat on your Sr. Prom?! What's wrong with you?"

 

And so it begins.....

 

I've also seen a rise in how men in college are having hard time with the women there. In my day, that was THE #ONE place to meet women and easily get dates...usually after your college days, your chances die off...but its not normal to score some kind of dating life on campus.

 

There is some kind of trend/pattern going on here when it comes to women and dating, this is not bashing or anything, but I do contend that women have made it difficult for men to get a date with them.

[Leigh 87]

Don't do it.

 

I tried.

 

It never works out well UNLESS a) you're very pragmatic and your need for a " partner " is greater than your need to experience limerence, infatuation and the strong " honeymoon " period.

 

It hasn't worked for me. I tried but I wanted to cringe every time they touched me. I warmed up to the idea of them getting me off and servicing me....but the thought of sex with them was one of total benign indifference at best; at worst, it was full blown disgust.

 

Not to mention that I didn't want to make out with them:(

 

Yes I could have grown to deeply love I w or two of those men. But I never, not even after a month or more, EVER had " great sex":sick:

I broke it off and instantly felt over joyed at being able to have passionate all be it shorter lived flings UNTIL the right guy sticks.

 

I'm a bit of a dreamer and I would rather be happily single than to settle for less than a great love story.

I am an instant spark girl. I've been single seven months. And found a few instant sparks. Or sparks that ignite rather fast!

 

So far no matches but if you have realistic standards I don't see why u can't find your sparks guy who's also a match.

 

It's a numbers game. Be patient. CarrieT poster didn't feel sexually attracted to HER hubby and she seems over joyed ! And she's had in excess of 300 lovers and yet she came to the conclusion that the mine glowingly amazing conversation her eye surgeon hubby provided for her, was absolutely the closest to perfect she could have hoped for herself.

She took several months to warm up to him sexually.

She seems happier with a lower chemistry, but SUPER HIGH compatibility style Union.

 

Where as I would rather have the 10/10 sparks and chemistry WITH a kind hearted partner, and rather a 7/10 compatibility.

[KismetGirl]

I HAVE noticed the amount of threads here on Love Shack that have skyrocketed when it comes to the "I'm X (20's and 30's or even older) age, and hadn't ever had a girlfriend/sex" etc" threads that had been cropping up. Likely this is due to the difficulty for some women who have made it considerably difficult when it comes to the dating world.

 

By the aforementioned age...it seems there's some kind of snowball effect. I remember back in my high school days...where dudes were bragging about having gotten a BJ under the bleachers by Suzie Q or got to finally bang his g/f on his Sr. prom...of course, there are the men that didn't get laid in high school....for obvious reason like teen pregnancy...duh....but then I think it even snowballs when these men head to college.

 

"What? You never had a girlfriend in high school?" "You never did it in the back seat on your Sr. Prom?! What's wrong with you?"

 

And so it begins.....

 

I've also seen a rise in how men in college are having hard time with the women there. In my day, that was THE #ONE place to meet women and easily get dates...usually after your college days, your chances die off...but its not normal to score some kind of dating life on campus.

 

There is some kind of trend/pattern going on here when it comes to women and dating, this is not bashing or anything, but I do contend that women have made it difficult for men to get a date with them.

 

I dont know dude. Getting a date is easy. He got two dates with me despite being awkward.

[LookAtThisPOst]

And what do you base that assumption on?

 

Um...based upon all of what was posted in this thread...just now.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I dont know dude. Getting a date is easy. He got two dates with me despite being awkward.

 

Well, that's beside the point, but I'm speaking in general, women have some strange hang-up when finding out how some men lack experience.

 

You hardly ever hear men complaining about such things...well, the fact they aren't getting any at all (i.e. - a sexless marriage), is pretty much their only complaint.

[elaine567]

I HAVE noticed the amount of threads here on Love Shack that have skyrocketed when it comes to the "I'm X (20's and 30's or even older) age, and hadn't ever had a girlfriend/sex" etc" threads that had been cropping up. Likely this is due to the difficulty for some women who have made it considerably difficult when it comes to the dating world.

 

By the aforementioned age...it seems there's some kind of snowball effect. I remember back in my high school days...where dudes were bragging about having gotten a BJ under the bleachers by Suzie Q or got to finally bang his g/f on his Sr. prom...of course, there are the men that didn't get laid in high school....for obvious reason like teen pregnancy...duh....but then I think it even snowballs when these men head to college.

 

"What? You never had a girlfriend in high school?" "You never did it in the back seat on your Sr. Prom?! What's wrong with you?"

 

And so it begins.....

 

I've also seen a rise in how men in college are having hard time with the women there. In my day, that was THE #ONE place to meet women and easily get dates...usually after your college days, your chances die off...but its not normal to score some kind of dating life on campus.

 

There is some kind of trend/pattern going on here when it comes to women and dating, this is not bashing or anything, but I do contend that women have made it difficult for men to get a date with them.

 

Yes, but how do you know that in "your day" there were not an equal number of men struggling or still virgins, and had LS and other similar sites been available then, they would have been posting there.

Perhaps this is more about social media and younger men who now are perhaps more willing to voice their concerns around dating.

[KismetGirl]

Why are you assuming the worst about this guy? Don't concern yourself with such things, man.

 

Ummm lol, you brought this up!

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think you are both being ridiculous and comparing apples to oranges. It has nothing to do with time commitment. Having a few drinks with friends is enjoyable and relaxing. Having to force myself to teach someone something in an awkward situation is something not even remotely the same thing. At my age I do not think I am being unreasonable in wanting someone to have a simliar experience level to myself, just like at my age I prefer someone also in a career or who is family minded, versus someone who is just finishing high school or doesnt want kids for another 15 years. They are just at different life points than I am, and the same goes for sexual or relationship experience, though it is an area some people are willing to work on, including myself which is why Im having this thread, though I admit its not something I am eager to do because I am not a "teacher" sort.

 

Please, get over it. And stop hijacking the thread, it's going off topic.

 

Thanks.

 

You are comparing apples to oranges here. You can't compare sexual performance with someone who career and family-minded.

 

I admit its not something I am eager to do because I am not a "teacher" sort. Please, get over it. And stop hijacking the thread, it's going off topic.

 

This is not a thread hijack only because the thread is entitled,"Nice guy but no sexual chemistry....try to teach or don't bother?"

[Els]

Wow, your thread sure got taken on a detour. My sympathies, OP.

 

I'm of two minds regarding your question - on the one hand, there is always a degree of 'teaching' involved regardless of the man's 'experience' IMO, because everyone likes different things. So chances are you would need to show them or tell them how YOU like it, except for an extremely fortuitous circumstance where your preferences line up exactly with those of the majority of his ex-partners. I don't see anything wrong with guiding a partner who is eager to pleasure you and enthusiastic to learn - excellent time investment especially with a partner whom you mesh with in all other ways, if I may say so myself.

 

That being said, you can't 'teach' attraction and chemistry. I suppose the trick here is learning to distinguish between the two, to know if this is something that will get better with your guidance, or a hopeless endeavour. If it starts off TERRIBLE as opposed to just having room for improvement, my guess is the latter, and you probably would be better off bailing. Do you think that is the case here?

[William]

Sorry folks, our hydra showed up and derailed things. About 20 posts deleted. Please continue and, if a new member pops in here with inflammatory commentary, simply ignore them and report them to us. We'll fix things up.

[katiegrl]

I wouldn't say I was head over heels or didnt even really feel any butterflies

As I said, I wasn't super excited about him at first (no particular reason, just wasn't super excited)

told myself sometimes you grow to like someone after you know them more.

Throughout the day I tried to find his positive aspects

After THREE hours of talking on my sofa with drinks (I mean, I was exhausted at this point .. he FINALLY kisses me. What a disappointment....

I wanted so badly to be sexually attracted to him.

I desperatly tried to feign some excitement

There was just no physical connection for me at all

I haven't been that turned off by someone I otherwise kind of liked....almost ever.

I wanted SO badly to have some sexual chemistry with this guy so that we could try to make this work.I know that personality is important and sex isn't everything, but come on....a romantic realtionship needs sex to survive!!! I am a very sexual person, and I can't be with someone that I abhor the thought of even kissing!!

 

I'm honestly shocked so many people are encouraging the OP to keep going with this, but maybe I'm being too quick. But read the list above and tell me where she likes him? To me she seems to be trying to force herself to like him. All I hear is that he spent a lot on the dates. In another thread, the guy is getting lambasted for spending money on jewelery after a second date - but this guy spending 1/4 his rent on a date is ok. I dunno sometimes....

 

Even if someone is totally inexperienced, kissing them should not be a complete turnoff.

 

^^Gotta agree with joseb here re why some posters are encouraging the OP to give him a chance.

 

She feels ZERO sexual *chemistry* with this guy. None, nada, zippo.

 

In fact, from reading her posts, to the contrary, it sounds like she feels repulsed by him!

 

It's NOT like she is attracted to him, feels chemistry, but his lack is sexual skills leaves her wondering if she should teach.

 

There is NOTHING there for her to teach! You CANNOT teach feeling sexual chemistry with a person. It's a vibe you get, an energy and has NOTHING to do with how sexually skilled a person is!

 

OP, just walk away, there is nothing there. You can't "will" feeling chemistry and you can't "teach" it no matter how much you want it.

 

Sexual *skills* you CAN teach, but the chemistry should be there first!

[elaine567]

I think the whole overblown wooing is a bit worrying.

He may think you are wonderful, but "lovebombing" comes to mind.

He planned those elaborate dates and I guess you had little to do with it in reality, so I would not get too fixated on how he must think you are a 10. He is an intelligent guy, you say, so why he is spending 1/4 of his salary on a woman he hardly knows? Makes no sense. and the over the top flattery...

He obviously is REALLY into me-- said a million times how I was beautiful and he had such a great time each time he saw me and how he was so happy to do something nice and romantic with someone.

https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/the-psychopaths-hook-love-bombing-sex-and-flattery/

 

His lack of sexual skill is one thing, but his failure to take on board instruction is perhaps more concerning and it just sounds all a bit weird.

Everyone can learn about sex from the internet nowadays.

Essentially rubbing his face all over your clothes and panties is not normal and I doubt any self instruction video or even a porn video would suggest doing that. He is supposed to be an intelligent man in his thirties, so I am not sure why he did not make a better effort even if he is a virgin.

Did he seem turned on by rubbing his face all over you?

 

I also think you need also to consider personal safety here on dates. This man, who you hardly knew, drove you 3 hours into the country-side, took you off for a long walk in the middle of a nature reserve and you ended up off the beaten track...

Beautiful yes, enjoyable yes, but with a man you really know nothing about...

[GravityMan]

Dang. This guy seems absurdly clueless when it comes to intimacy...perhaps even compared to other VIRGINS around his age. (I'm guessing he's in his 20s.) In other words, even your typical non-asexual male virgin who still lives in his parents' basement and who's barely dated would know enough about women and intimacy to not do some of the things he did. Even most super-religious folks don't have their heads buried this deep in the sand. Anyway, I strongly suspect that this guy is a virgin and lied about his previous "girlfriends". I also wonder if he has ever had any platonic female friends. Sheesh, I wonder if he has ever gone to see any blockbuster movies or watched any popular TV shows. Media depictions of romance are usually overdramatized for the sake of entertainment and thus not really representative of real-life romance, but still.

 

My vote is definitely "don't bother". There's a big difference between just being inexperienced, and lacking sexual chemistry. Anyone can learn about kissing and sex...from books, from the Internet, and/or from a willing woman teaching him. That's just skills. Skills can be taught if the person's willing to learn. But sexual chemistry is not teachable, IMO...it's either there or it isn't.

 

The first red flag is the whole "enamored with you, staring at you like an puppy in love". That's just weird. I mean, there's interest...and then there's infatuation, obsession and risk of smothering. I'm wondering if this guy has (and values) a life of his own...friends, hobbies, etc. Also, him not kissing you on the first date is no big deal in of itself...BUT combined with the whole "enamored with you" bit, the juxtaposition of those things doesn't quite add up. Maybe he's shy and his logical mind was telling him to hold back, while his raw masculine drive wanted him to make a move.

 

The whole extravagant second date is another red flag (including the driving you way off into the countryside - safety concerns there), and a clear sign of someone who lacks dating experience. The guy was trying too hard. Trying too hard to "impress". Unless the two people already knew each other prior to dating, it's best to keep the first few dates fairly simple. Considering this guy's a student, spending a large chunk of his earnings on this date was very ill-advised. A guy "moving heaven and earth" to be with someone is one thing, but that can be done without being stupid and playing roulette with other important aspects of his life.

 

"Don't bother" isn't really a strong enough suggestion here...I suggest running far away from this guy. Dude just seems "off" in multiple ways. He may have a few screws loose. I wouldn't be surprised if other women in his classes thought that he was a bit creepy, despite his allegedly nice exterior.

[Emilia]

Well, that's beside the point, but I'm speaking in general, women have some strange hang-up when finding out how some men lack experience.

 

You hardly ever hear men complaining about such things...well, the fact they aren't getting any at all (i.e. - a sexless marriage), is pretty much their only complaint.

That's because men only need a pair of breasts and a vagina on a woman to climax. Women need far more than touching and looking at basic physical attributes because our orgasm works differently. No mystery.

[introverted1]

Didn't you recently reconnect with your married affair partner of 10+ years? Are you even in a place where you could be romantically or sexually attracted to someone else?

[GoodOnPaper]

The whole extravagant second date is another red flag (including the driving you way off into the countryside - safety concerns there), and a clear sign of someone who lacks dating experience. The guy was trying too hard. Trying too hard to "impress". Unless the two people already knew each other prior to dating, it's best to keep the first few dates fairly simple. Considering this guy's a student, spending a large chunk of his earnings on this date was very ill-advised. A guy "moving heaven and earth" to be with someone is one thing, but that can be done without being stupid and playing roulette with other important aspects of his life.

 

I agree that it's not in the cards for the OP and this guy but I'm surprised at all the harsh sentiments for someone who, as I see it, is just going through the early part of the dating/sex/relationship learning curve. With the exception of the driving off into the countryside -- even I would have known that that was crossing a safety line -- I could easily have tried all those things when I was high school or college age. This may be hard to believe, but not all guys come out of the womb knowing how to be suave with women. I managed to make my way back to the "normal" part of society's bell curve -- the whole career, marriage, kids, dog, picket fence nine yards -- as most guys without inborn "experience" and "performance" undoubtedly do.

[Krieger]

I HAVE noticed the amount of threads here on Love Shack that have skyrocketed when it comes to the "I'm X (20's and 30's or even older) age, and hadn't ever had a girlfriend/sex" etc" threads that had been cropping up. Likely this is due to the difficulty for some women who have made it considerably difficult when it comes to the dating world.

 

By the aforementioned age...it seems there's some kind of snowball effect. I remember back in my high school days...where dudes were bragging about having gotten a BJ under the bleachers by Suzie Q or got to finally bang his g/f on his Sr. prom...of course, there are the men that didn't get laid in high school....for obvious reason like teen pregnancy...duh....but then I think it even snowballs when these men head to college.

 

"What? You never had a girlfriend in high school?" "You never did it in the back seat on your Sr. Prom?! What's wrong with you?"

 

And so it begins.....

 

I've also seen a rise in how men in college are having hard time with the women there. In my day, that was THE #ONE place to meet women and easily get dates...usually after your college days, your chances die off...but its not normal to score some kind of dating life on campus.

 

There is some kind of trend/pattern going on here when it comes to women and dating, this is not bashing or anything, but I do contend that women have made it difficult for men to get a date with them.

 

That is why some guys just need have no standards if you have no experience.

 

Guy like this need a starter GF one that over weight or not that attractive. Another option us find a girl that likes you more than you like her.

 

This is no different than woman being a gold digger or dating a guy only because he some what successful now and back than you would not give him the time of day.

[jen1447]

My guess is virgin.

 

I doubt it, after all, his g/f's lasted a year, don't tell me he's not done anything with them in that year.

 

He could be lying about those g/f's even existing, let alone lasting a year. When I asked him when his last relationship was and how long his longest one was, he seemed like he didnt really want to answer. So it's possible he lied just to not seem so inexperienced.

 

Why are you assuming the worst about this guy? Don't concern yourself with such things, man.

 

It's not an assumption about anything, it's basic deduction. You have a guy who can't perform even to a remedial degree sexually. He claims he's had two long-ish relationships. Put those two things together and they don't square up, so it means either he's managed to have two longish relationships with extremely bad to no sex, or he's lying about the relationships. Deduction says eliminate the things that are impossible and whatever's left, no matter how implausible, is the answer. Having two longish relationships with bad or no sex isn't impossible, but it's extremely unlikely, whereas a person lying about virginity isn't only not implausible, it's very common. Conclusion - virginity wins.

 

Obviously we can't draw a 100% solid conclusion based on what we have here, but Kismet doesn't need that. She just needs a persuasive likelihood, and the virginity theory is every bit that.