Women don't want a good man now days.

[BlueIris]

She would also have to understand that if I worked and feel back into more of a domestic role it goes against my biology and the way I am wired .

 

There are many educated accomplished women (the group you say you want to date) who would not be want to be married to someone whose wiring was like this. It doesn't mean you have to change. It doesn't mean you're wrong or right. But many women would want (1) to have a say in that decision and (2) for the decision to be made based on who earns more to maximize benefit to the children and household.

 

Edited to add: Also, many women who have earned degrees and started careers don’t want to sacrifice the financial benefits by being sole or primary care-givers in the home. With the divorce rate so high and the economic instability we’ve seen in the past decade, they want to maintain their earning ability, quite understandably. I went to law school when I got pregnant because this visceral fear arose about providing for my child. My husband could die or divorce me and I would not have been able to provide for my family, so I wanted the means to do so. Financial dependency is sometimes contrary to the nurturing protective instincts parents have.

Edited April 23, 2015 by BlueIris

[Krieger]

This may or may not be a good example: just yesterday two guys asked me on a date. I've been talking to both from my OLD days. So, unrelated to that, last week I encountered a homeless man on the streets of NYC. He had a really sad sign up saying that his backpack was stolen and he lost everything. That night I went out and I made a care package for him, I bought him a whole bunch of essentials, food, water. Put it in a backpack to give to him.

 

That day, I was talking to both of these guys. I told the story to both of them.

 

Guy #1: "You're so nice, that's really sweet." He even asked more about the guy, and in the following days he actually inquired about it again, asking how it went, etc etc. He was interested in my life, what I had done.

 

Guy #2: "haha."

 

Do you see the difference? Yes, I have a date with guy #2 set up, but I already don't care. He doesn't seem like a person who aligns with my morals, and the way I go about life. I did something nice for someone and all he did was laugh and change the subject. He didn't care, he wasn't interested, selfless behavior completely blazed right over his head.

 

He doesn't seem like a person who would do the same for a complete stranger, or anything caring for a stranger for that matter at all.

 

Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but from speaking with him up until that point, and how I feel, it's not really worth it to me to invest anything more past this first date. Frustrated? Nah. Just weeding out more people I don't feel are right for me.

 

I feel like the longer I date, the more hyper-aware I am of the people that cross my path. Does this make sense?

 

That was very nice of you to do that.

 

I also help people all the time but do not tell anyone it not a big deal. In matter of fact I ran into someone that said I changed the live for the better.

 

 

This was a long time ago I took some college classes right after high school and I worked nights so I had the day free for the most part. I would go to the public library a lot and during the summer it is packed.

Anyway I was sitting down doing homework and this kid sat next to me he was about in the 3rd 4th grade and I could help but notice he was having issues sounding out words and reading. I did not say anything at first but then he started to put himself down and called himself stupid and his mother was no help she was somewhat verbally abusive and frustrated.

 

 

At first I wanted to stay out of it but I just had to say something or do something. So I told the mom hey this might not be my place but calling your son names is not helping I know you frustrated and all but come on now.

 

 

To make a long story short I help the child the mother was cool with it seeing her way was not helping. This was in the summer time and he was given things to work on over summer so I helped him a few times a week. The end of summer he could read and sound out words with only a few issues but it was a lot better than once he first started.

I guess why I helped was I had issues in school growing up and my parents were not always supportive and I know what the kids was going through.

 

 

 

This one time I was leaving the Dr office and as I was walking out this woman drove up and rolled down her window she was lost and a family member was in the hospital and new to the area.

 

 

 

She was about to have a panic attach so I helped her calm down and had her follow me to the hospital in her car across town. Seeing that the hospital is set up weird very easy to get lost i walked with her once we parked and helped her find the help she needed to located her family member .

 

 

 

Like i said I would never tell anyone because I like to think anyone in my shoes would do the same thing.

[xxoo]

well lets say Me and a woman get married and both of us have careers. Well someone is going to have to fall back some to a more domestic role once we have kids.

 

Lets say I get promoted but It longer hours and more time away from home I just do not want her to resent me for it . That I got promoted and she did not . I will never tell the mother of my kids she not doing enough and throw the fact I got promoted and she did not.

 

I just do not what her to see this as she has to one up me if I get promoted and she does not. If she get promoted and I do not I will not sit there and feel like i have to one up her. I will admit I will feel like I am not providing and being a good husband . I just do not want her to get man because I clean a different then she does and yes I will make mistakes and it never going to be perfect but degrade me . That being said I am far from lazy . things around the houses are going to get done just not the way she would do them.

 

She would also have to understand that if I worked and feel back into more of a domestic role it goes against my biology and the way I am wired . I know if I have a wife and kids to feed I will do every thing I can as a man to make sure we have every thing we need.

 

In a perfect world I much rather give my woman the option to stay home with the kids as long as she wanted to and not feel like she has to work right away. I would be cool with her working part time and spend more time with the kids until there older and start school. I will support her in what ever she chooses to do.

 

On the flip side if she got promoted I will full back into a more domestic role but she better not hold it over my head . I know to many guy the there woman makes more and they throw it in there face . As a man I would feel so disrespected and hurt . If i am working and taking on a more domestic role I want her to apprecat it not act like I am not good enough.

 

Raising a family takes 100% from both partners. All roles are important and valuable. The most successful couples work together to get everything done: providing, childcare, keeping the home. The balance may be different at times, and may even shift, but the important thing is that ALL roles and work is valued.

 

It sounds like you place childcare and homemaking roles lower than providing, and view them as "feminine" rather than "masculine". I understand if you prefer to work; women often also prefer to work. That really doesn't mean anyone is any more or less man or woman.

 

The problem I see is that you have an idea in your head about how things "should" be before ever even meeting the woman you might have a family with. Your "should" is informed by your own values regarding working for pay and working to care for home and children. And in turn, you are demanding that a woman must not have her own ideas about working for pay and working to care for the home and children. It would be far better if NEITHER have ideas of "should", and rather work together to find the balance that makes sense for the family over time.

[Krieger]

There are many educated accomplished women (the group you say you want to date) who would not be want to be married to someone whose wiring was like this. It doesn't mean you have to change. It doesn't mean you're wrong or right. But many women would want (1) to have a say in that decision and (2) for the decision to be made based on who earns more to maximize benefit to the children and household.

 

Edited to add: Also, many women who have earned degrees and started careers don’t want to sacrifice the financial benefits by being sole or primary care-givers in the home. With the divorce rate so high and the economic instability we’ve seen in the past decade, they want to maintain their earning ability, quite understandably. I went to law school when I got pregnant because this visceral fear arose about providing for my child. My husband could die or divorce me and I would not have been able to provide for my family, so I wanted the means to do so. Financial dependency is sometimes contrary to the nurturing protective instincts parents have.

 

I want to be able to give my woman the option of 1) staying home with the kids until they can go to school, 2) just work part time for a while , 3) jump right back to work

 

I am talking about taking care of a newborn and i feel a woman would be way better at taking care of the child than I would be.

 

It not like i will not do my part but last time i checked men cant breastfeed LOL .

 

I just do not want her to fee like she was to go right back to work she has options on the table.

 

At the end of the day two people can not work 40,50,60 hours a week and raise a child some one should fall back .

 

If it was me I still will work but it will be 40 hours a week or part time and take on a more domestic roll. it will be a challenge for me at first felling like i am not doing enough so I will need her to be supportive and and think less of me as a man.

[xxoo]

If it was me I still will work but it will be 40 hours a week or part time and take on a more domestic roll. it will be a challenge for me at first felling like i am not doing enough so I will need her to be supportive and and think less of me as a man.

 

This is what I'm talking about. You have this baggage about roles, and you are defensively expecting the worst and needing reassurance.

 

What you want is a full partner who isn't hung up on roles.

 

And what SHE wants is the same: a full partner who isn't hung up on roles.

 

We really aren't so different when it comes to these basic needs for support and respect.

[Krieger]

Raising a family takes 100% from both partners. All roles are important and valuable. The most successful couples work together to get everything done: providing, childcare, keeping the home. The balance may be different at times, and may even shift, but the important thing is that ALL roles and work is valued.

 

It sounds like you place childcare and homemaking roles lower than providing, and view them as "feminine" rather than "masculine". I understand if you prefer to work; women often also prefer to work. That really doesn't mean anyone is any more or less man or woman.

 

The problem I see is that you have an idea in your head about how things "should" be before ever even meeting the woman you might have a family with. Your "should" is informed by your own values regarding working for pay and working to care for home and children. And in turn, you are demanding that a woman must not have her own ideas about working for pay and working to care for the home and children. It would be far better if NEITHER have ideas of "should", and rather work together to find the balance that makes sense for the family over time.

 

 

I never said she could not work I just rather her stay home with the child for a few years.

 

At the end of the day I want to do what best for every one.

 

Like I said if she got promoted and make a good amount of money and we would end up saving money in childcare cost and other cost. On the flip side I cant be working as much so I fall back into a more domestic role .

 

I just do not want her to think less of me and do not be upset if things are not done her way around the house.

 

I will admit it it will be hard for me at first getting over the feeling like I not doing enough as a man.

[Krieger]

This is what I'm talking about. You have this baggage about roles, and you are defensively expecting the worst and needing reassurance.

 

What you want is a full partner who isn't hung up on roles.

 

And what SHE wants is the same: a full partner who isn't hung up on roles.

 

We really aren't so different when it comes to these basic needs for support and respect.

 

I always expect the worst and hope for the best that way I am never disappointed.

 

I think it would be hard for a lot of men to take on a more domestic role IMO. It not that we do not want to it is that I know I feel like I letting her down and not providing for the family financially speaking.

[BlueIris]

So make these things clear to the women you date. Some will move on because your views don’t mesh about gender roles, marriage and family. Don’t want to waste your time or theirs, right?

 

And looping back to the title of your thread- people choose people who fit with them and it is a wild stretch to say that women don’t want a good man just because they’ve decided you aren’t a good match for each other.

[Maleficent]

OP, it looks like you have a very 'old school' or traditional vision of gender roles.

 

It's not necessarily a bad thing - but keep in mind that most women these days do not necessarily want to follow these traditional gender - especially the educated ones.

 

This has nothing with women not wanting good men. It's 2015 and some women want to be treated like it's 2015 as opposed to 1954.

 

You can either a) review your opinion on the subject or b) go for women who have the same traditional view of gender roles as you do.

[xxoo]

I always expect the worst and hope for the best that way I am never disappointed.

 

I think it would be hard for a lot of men to take on a more domestic role IMO. It not that we do not want to it is that I know I feel like I letting her down and not providing for the family financially speaking.

 

Just realize that your attitude may turn off the kind of woman you want. A woman who genuinely doesn't hold these gender expectations regarding work/family roles, and thus would be the most supportive and reassuring, may consider your attitude on the subject to be a turn off. You could be repelling the type of woman you want by holding onto these very gendered ideas of "being a woman" and "being a man".

[Krieger]

Just realize that your attitude may turn off the kind of woman you want. A woman who genuinely doesn't hold these gender expectations regarding work/family roles, and thus would be the most supportive and reassuring, may consider your attitude on the subject to be a turn off. You could be repelling the type of woman you want by holding onto these very gendered ideas of "being a woman" and "being a man".

 

Will it is more of my own Insecurity's than anything. I am suer it does not help that I emotionally I dwell on things forever. I'm an obsessive thinker. I obsess on things I've done wrong.

[Kamille]

Will it is more of my own Insecurity's than anything. I am suer it does not help that I emotionally I dwell on things forever. I'm an obsessive thinker. I obsess on things I've done wrong.

 

Are you doing anything to feel less insecure?

[guest569]

Yeah. You chose that path. YOU took and became addicted to drugs. YOU chose to drop out of school.

 

You live with your choices.

 

I have been homeless myself. Had an abusive step father who beat me at 5am constantly. I was 17. Had to drop out of high school, get a GED. Lived in a car for a year and on friends' couches and spare rooms in their houses. (we didn't have actual streets...it was rural).

 

From this start in life, I got a GED, a Masters in Physics and a minor in Computer Science. My first job out of college was NASA. I've worked many high end white collar jobs and my own startups and have owned my own businesses since 2000, never in that time working for anyone else.

 

I chose NOT to take drugs or drop out of school, which I worked my ass off to get into from being a homeless teenager.

 

So... i give zero f's about people who are beggars and who choose to take drugs.

 

We all have choices in life.

 

You make stupid ones, you live with them. Not my responsibility to help you.

 

I'm so glad the whole world does not think this way. Imagine what a place that would be.

[Krieger]

Are you doing anything to feel less insecure?

 

I try not to over think things and try to stay out of my own head. What I mean by that is keep active . If i sit around all day it a bad thinking for some people.

 

A lot of it have you heard the song cat in the cradle ? That is me and my dads relastioship it getting better but I do not want the for my kids . I want to be more involved but make enough money so I can give things I did not have.

 

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew

He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, Dad

You know I'm gonna be like you"

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

 

 

 

When you comin' home, Dad

I don't know when, but we'll get together then

You know we'll have a good time then

 

 

 

My son turned ten just the other day

He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play

can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today

I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed

And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah

You know I'm gonna be like him"

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

 

 

 

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home, Dad

I don't know when, but we'll get together then

You know we'll have a good time then

 

 

 

Well, he came from college just the other day

So much like a man I just had to say

"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while"

He shook his head and said with a smile

"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys

See you later, can I have them please"

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

 

 

 

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home son

I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad

You know we'll have a good time then

 

 

 

I've long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"

He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time

You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu

But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad

It's been sure nice talking to you"

 

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

 

 

 

My boy was just like me

 

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man in the moon

When you comin' home son

I don't know when, but we'll get together then, Dad

We're gonna have a good time then.

 

That being said I put extra pressure on myself to be the best I can be. Also my dads dad was like that and I want to break the cycle.

[smg15]

Some nice guys are such pushovers though.

 

They don't have masculine, strong energy.

 

One reallllllllly nice guy, when I broke it off rather swiftly, I was having sex with the new guy I am currently FWB with.

 

My bottom accidently switched on my phone and called the "nice guy". Nice guy answers and hears me having sex with new guy days after I broke it off with him.

 

He is devastated. Yet after I apologise profusely since it was a legit ACCIDENT, he is all like " awww ok... I have a gift for you:love: I got it for you b4 you broke it off:love:"

 

LOL. Like wtf. He hears me banging a new guy days after I told him I wasn't interested in him and he wants to go give me another PRESENT:lmao:

 

Tat one guy was " soooooo nice" that he brought me flowers on date two, a necklace on date three and another gift on date four:sick: sorry but declaring your undying affection and the fact he told me I am the girl he has been waiting for his entire life, made him out to seem desperate.

 

He had never been with a girl he deemed as pretty as me so he acted like he was falling all over himself in a BAD way...... Flowers are fine... but not on a second date.. followed by presents every other date

 

We want men who HAVE OPTIONS in women and who are DESIRABLE by other women, not men who get walked all over.

 

If you are not an attractive guy OWN IT; get good at hobbies! Kick start a great career! Be a positive, grab life by the balls sorta guy, get teeth whitening to make yourself more appealing, do not sit around wollowing in how ... weak you come accross because no girls want you. DO something about it and do not be a victim to the " oh.... us nice guys finish last......"

 

Too timid, negative and depressed men who are sooo nice but cannot get any girls need to morph into a more CONFIDENT VERSION of themselves so they AN get girls!!!

 

They may not get MANY girls but hey, they can still cease being the loser who NO GIRLS WANT:lmao:

 

I'm confident that this does not apply to all eomen, only the ones who are attractive

 

Unappealing women have to take what they can get just like unappealing men

[Vercetti]

Girls might not but women do. It's a two way street girls and guys have to get burned going after the wrong things before figure out what really want. Some learn quick some learn slow some stay lost. Why should you care about those that don't care about you? Running drugs and dealing with women two different things if didn't notice.

[DivorcedDad123]

OP, you might try setting aside a time during the day to do your thinking. Like 30 minutes in the morning or afternoon each day. Don't worry about things the rest of the day. If you have a problem, address it during that time, and only that time. The rest of the day you can spend living, instead of worrying, ruminating, etc.

[xxoo]

Will it is more of my own Insecurity's than anything. I am suer it does not help that I emotionally I dwell on things forever. I'm an obsessive thinker. I obsess on things I've done wrong.

 

Keep in mind that women, too, may be developing and working through insecurities. Don't expect a woman to be perfectly mature and emotionally grounded when you can't deliver that yourself.

 

The more you grow and mature, the more grown and mature women you'll attract.

[serial muse]

OP, you might try setting aside a time during the day to do your thinking. Like 30 minutes in the morning or afternoon each day. Don't worry about things the rest of the day. If you have a problem, address it during that time, and only that time. The rest of the day you can spend living, instead of worrying, ruminating, etc.

 

I like this a lot. Don't know whether I could adhere to it but it's something to aspire to and perhaps would be helpful to the OP.