Lack of chemistry? No idea what is going on with my dating

[LookAtThisPOst]

Wait a minute, chemistry occurs when a man IS hot and sexy enough, connects emotionally and is an interesting person to boot, so it is hardly made up.

SO according to you, women need to be dating guys who are not seen by them as hot and sexy?

So do you want to have sex with someone you don't find hot and sexy?..

I guess not.

 

I wouldn't say "made up" is the right terminology, but it is rather fleeting as I don't put much stock into it. There were times where I thought chemistry had been occurring between me and a woman, but to only have her flake the next day.

[hunk]

I'm just sick of the feeling of not feeling something for the people i'm seeing. I can appreciate the qualities they have, that on paper they would, objectively, be an excellent match for me. But I just don't get that kick in the guts, world shaking chemistry that we seem to get when we're teenagers or whatever. I miss that feeling and I feel like it disappears after a certain age. Even the girl i went on this date with said to me "god, what i would give to be that 16 year old who gets butterflies on a date again". When she said this i just felt like complete ****. I felt like dating was essentially pointless. I thought to myself "if i can have this much in common with someone, get along this well, and she can still say this, which is what i'm thinking too, then what hope do i even have in the future".

[KatZee]

I'm just sick of the feeling of not feeling something for the people i'm seeing. I can appreciate the qualities they have, that on paper they would, objectively, be an excellent match for me. But I just don't get that kick in the guts, world shaking chemistry that we seem to get when we're teenagers or whatever. I miss that feeling and I feel like it disappears after a certain age. Even the girl i went on this date with said to me "god, what i would give to be that 16 year old who gets butterflies on a date again". When she said this i just felt like complete ****. I felt like dating was essentially pointless. I thought to myself "if i can have this much in common with someone, get along this well, and she can still say this, which is what i'm thinking too, then what hope do i even have in the future".

 

Welcome to reality dude.

 

It's not a common feeling.

 

I haven't felt "it" with anyone in over three years. Do I think it's gone forever? No. I just think as you get older, you get smarter. I found it easy to "crush" on people when I was younger. I was a baby, and stupid. I look back at the guys I felt a "thing" for and they were all idiots. Immature, players, and at my age now, I would never look at those people twice!

 

Your picker gets better as you get older, and that's why you weed out more people than you did in the past.

 

Not everyone on this earth is going to be a match for me. Very far from it. And I still haven't found that person for me yet!

[fitnessfan365]

I can actually relate to this right now. With my GF, I have a strong emotional connection. We get along really well, have things in common, laugh together, and conversation flows. The physical with kissing, foreplay, and sex is all magnetic. However, something has still been feeling off to me.

 

Chemistry comes from banter, flirtation, and general playfulness in person. It also comes from excitement that builds away from each other. Like a woman sending a flirty/suggestive text, a pic with a caption, or even a simple "I miss you". Then if you send a leading text, it gets a sexual rise out of her. So even though you may not be having sex as much as you want, you still have that buzz from knowing how badly you both want it. This makes you crave each other and look forward to when it happens.

 

Recently, I sent my GF "Sex may not happen again until birth ctrl, but I'm done behaving. I'm going to drive you crazy in the meantime.;-)" Now she could have responded in any number of ways to let me know that I got a sexual rise out of her, or that she was at least excited. Her response "Haha". So I started thinking about it. It's always been that way. In person, there is no banter or playful interaction. When I try to get it started, she won't engage. When we're away from each other, she never reaches out with flirty leading texts or even a simple "I miss you". On occasions where I've tried like with that text, she refuses to engage or let me know that she's sexually excited. So now it's finally dawning on me why I've been feeling a bit bored and disconnected. When I see her tomorrow, I am going to talk her about this. Since she's still getting to know me, maybe she doesn't realize how much I enjoy banter,flirtation, and sexual playfulness. If she starts making an effort. great. But if she just doesn't have that in her, then it's not something I can force.

Edited April 18, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

I'm sorry fitnessfan, but this just sounds like basic incompatibilty.

 

Are you familiar with the five love languages? It sounds like YOUR love language is "words of affirmation." And ALL that entails!

 

Your girlfriend can't relate as that is NOT *her* love language. Not even her secondary love language! Because of this, she has NO idea how to respond to you when you make such statements!

 

I know you don't think so, but she may also have issues surrounding sex. This holding off on sex until BC kicks in sounds hokey.

 

How long have you been waiting for BC to kick in before having sex again? Going on one month?

 

Do your research, depending on the method of BC, once a woman begins, it takes between 2-7 days before she is able to have "safe" sex. Seven days is the max! What method is she using that it takes weeks?

 

I dunno ff, as your friend, something just sounds really "off" about the entire situation.

 

I think you are sensing that too..

Edited April 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gary S]

Let me ask you a question.... do ever see a woman that, if you were with her at the right time and place, the mood was right, that you would kiss?

[fitnessfan365]

I'm sorry fitnessfan, but this just sounds like basic incompatibilty.

 

Are you familiar with the five love languages? It sounds like YOUR love language is "words of affirmation." And ALL that entails!

 

Your girlfriend can't relate as that is NOT *her* love language. Not even her secondary love language! Because of this, she has NO idea how to respond to you when you make such statements!

 

I know you don't think so, but she may also have issues surrounding sex. This holding off on sex until BC kicks in sounds hokey.

 

How long have you been waiting for BC to kick in before having sex again? Going on one month?

 

Do your research, depending on the method of BC, once a woman begins, it takes between 2-7 days before she is able to have "safe" sex. Seven days is the max! What method is she using that it takes weeks?

 

I dunno ff, as your friend, something just sounds really "off" about the entire situation.

 

I think you are sensing that too..

 

The waiting for BC was my idea. Since I have a hidden romantic side, I thought it would make it more special and build anticipation to wait for the next time to be bareback. Kind of like a new beginning sort of thing. She wants to use the patch. I've researched it. It takes one week to get into your system. Then you wear one new patch per week, and remove the weeks you have your period. She didn't want to mess with her cycle. So the plan is to wear that initial first one the week before, have her period, and then start having sex after her period. I was fine with this.

 

Now it would be one of two things :

 

1) She's keeping the flirting to a minimum and refusing to admit she's sexually excited because she knows we can't have sex yet and doesn't want to be a tease. Sort of like being on her best behavior.

 

2) It's like you say and she just doesn't have it in her to be flirtatious and sexually playful. If that's the case, then we just aren't compatible.

 

But it finally dawned on me. It wasn't the concept of only having sex 2x a week that was ultimately bothering me. It was the fact that she wasn't doing anything in between to make me anticipate it. No flirting, no banter in person, never admitting her sexual excitement, etc.. As much as I love being physically stimulated, I constantly crave being mentally engaged and having my imagination aroused. That's what I'm not getting with her.

[katiegrl]

I think that feeling is extremely rare, especially if you want it to be mutual. Most people seem OK with not feeling it and seem to think that you are crazy of you want it.

 

A relationship without that feeling seems super depressing to me

 

Totally agree with this!

 

Also believe "genuine" chemistry between two people is extremely rare! Statistics show that out of every 100 people you meet, you "might" experience it with ONE! If you're lucky.

 

Contrary to popular belief, genuine chemistry between two people does not come from looks, sex appeal or great personality.

 

It is an *energy* generating between you, that is actually indefinable. No one has any idea why they feel that *click* with some but not others, because chemistry (energy) is intangible.

 

So hunk, stop being so hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is normal.

 

As for those who claim they can feel chemistry with someone every few weeks or whatever, I would suggest to that person that what they are actually feeling is either a *crush* or sexual attraction...which dies not necessarily mean you've got that mutual energy generating between you.

 

When chemistry is real and genuine, it is always mutual...because again it is a certain energy going on between you ......NOT based on *hot* someone is or what you have in common or even how well you get along!

 

When it is there you will BOTH know it...pretty much from the getgo! But again, it is very rare when it happens, some people NEVER find it, and then when they reach a certain age they settle.

 

Hunk, don't do that, not that you would, but you sound like a deep, intelligent, introspective guy...you don't need to settle!!

[Jonp219]

That feeling is all in your head, I've never had that feeling for anyone I dated. I didn't even feel anything for my ex when we started dating. I started getting butterflies while we were getting to know each other on an intimate level, we lasted 4 years together. Search for someone you find attractive, who is respectable, and compatible to your personality. All those things go much further in a relationship than what you're describing. Because even if you do get those feelings they still might not be right for you.

[Jonp219]

Totally agree with this!

 

Also believe "genuine" chemistry between two people is extremely rare! Statistics show that out of every 100 people you meet, you "might" experience it with ONE! If you're lucky.

 

Contrary to popular belief, genuine chemistry between two people does not come from looks, sex appeal or great personality.

 

It is an *energy* generating between you, that is actually indefinable. No one has any idea why they feel that *click* with some but not others, because chemistry (energy) is intangible.

 

So hunk, stop being so hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is normal.

 

As for those who claim they can feel chemistry with someone every few weeks or whatever, I would suggest to that person that what they are actually feeling is either a *crush* or sexual attraction...which dies not necessarily mean you've got that mutual energy generating between you.

 

When chemistry is real and genuine, it is always mutual...because again it is a certain energy going on between you ......NOT based on *hot* someone is or what you have in common or even how well you get along!

 

When it is there you will BOTH know it...pretty much from the getgo! But again, it is very rare when it happens, some people NEVER find it, and then when they reach a certain age they settle.

 

Hunk, don't do that, not that you would, but you sound like a deep, intelligent, introspective guy...you don't need to settle!!

 

Seems like a waste of time searching for all that mumbo jumbo. I mine as well use horoscopes to search for my 'soulmate'.

[katiegrl]

That feeling is all in your head, I've never had that feeling for anyone I dated. I didn't even feel anything for my ex when we started dating. I started getting butterflies while we were getting to know each other on an intimate level, we lasted 4 years together. Search for someone you find attractive, who is respectable, and compatible to your personality. All those things go much further in a relationship than what you're describing. Because even if you do get those feelings they still might not be right for you.

 

So just because YOU have nevet felt it, it does not exist? LOL

 

What are you, the be-all-and-end-all of what people feel and experience in "their" relationships? How arrogant!

 

You have never felt it because as I said, it is extremely rare ...or you are too emotionally damaged or shallow to ever allow yourself to feel it.

 

I know it is real, because I experienced it, ONCE, five years ago when I met my boyfriend. Before him, I had many relationships, two long term with men whom I "thought" I loved and felt it with, but after meeting my boyfriend, realized what I had with those guys wasn't even close to what I felt, and still feel, with my boyfriend...which is true genuine chemistry... and which we *both* felt, quite intensely, from day one!!

 

We also happen to be compatible..which is why we have lasted this long!

 

Now if you want to be so arrogant as to presume you know what my boyfriend and I felt upon meeting, feel free!

 

Until you actually experience it yourself, you will continue to deny it"s existence..which is okay I suppose.

 

I hope one day you do get to experience it though, cause damn there is no other feeling that even comes close to that...in terms of intensity and depth.

[katiegrl]

The waiting for BC was my idea. Since I have a hidden romantic side, I thought it would make it more special and build anticipation to wait for the next time to be bareback. Kind of like a new beginning sort of thing. She wants to use the patch. I've researched it. It takes one week to get into your system. Then you wear one new patch per week, and remove the weeks you have your period. She didn't want to mess with her cycle. So the plan is to wear that initial first one the week before, have her period, and then start having sex after her period. I was fine with this.

 

Now it would be one of two things :

 

1) She's keeping the flirting to a minimum and refusing to admit she's sexually excited because she knows we can't have sex yet and doesn't want to be a tease. Sort of like being on her best behavior.

 

2) It's like you say and she just doesn't have it in her to be flirtatious and sexually playful. If that's the case, then we just aren't compatible.

 

But it finally dawned on me. It wasn't the concept of only having sex 2x a week that was ultimately bothering me. It was the fact that she wasn't doing anything in between to make me anticipate it. No flirting, no banter in person, never admitting her sexual excitement, etc.. As much as I love being physically stimulated, I constantly crave being mentally engaged and having my imagination aroused. That's what I'm not getting with her.

 

And, sadly, probably never will. I'm sorry.

[fitnessfan365]

And, sadly, probably never will. I'm sorry.

 

Yep. It's weird because it's a new form of incompatibility. I'm used to great emotional, but the sexual is off. Then there is where the sexual is there mentally and physically, but no personality click.

 

But with my GF we bond emotionally, intellectually, and personality wise. Then the physical in person is absolutely magnetic. We can't keep our hands off each other! However, it's her lack of expression, sexual excitement, and flirtation/banter, etc that's making me feel bored mentally. I want to feel that mental arousal, the excitement that builds between dates, etc.. However, she probably doesn't know how to express that side of herself.

[Weezy1973]

Totally agree with this!

 

Also believe "genuine" chemistry between two people is extremely rare! Statistics show that out of every 100 people you meet, you "might" experience it with ONE! If you're lucky.

 

Contrary to popular belief, genuine chemistry between two people does not come from looks, sex appeal or great personality.

It is an *energy* generating between you, that is actually indefinable. No one has any idea why they feel that *click* with some but not others, because chemistry (energy) is intangible.

 

First bolded part: Please cite the source for these statistics. If you can't find them, we can all assume you just made it up.

 

Second bolded part: Literally this makes no sense. If something is indefinable than how would you know it's "energy" or "intangible"?

[Jonp219]

So just because YOU have nevet felt it, it does not exist? LOL

 

What are you, the be-all-and-end-all of what people feel and experience in "their" relationships? How arrogant!

 

You have never felt it because as I said, it is extremely rare ...or you are too emotionally damaged or shallow to ever allow yourself to feel it.

 

I know it is real, because I experienced it, ONCE, five years ago when I met my boyfriend. Before him, I had many relationships, two long term with men whom I "thought" I loved and felt it with, but after meeting my boyfriend, realized what I had with those guys wasn't even close to what I felt, and still feel, with my boyfriend...which is true genuine chemistry... and which we *both* felt, quite intensely, from day one!!

 

We also happen to be compatible..which is why we have lasted this long!

 

Now if you want to be so arrogant as to presume you know what my boyfriend and I felt upon meeting, feel free!

 

Until you actually experience it yourself, you will continue to deny it"s existence..which is okay I suppose.

 

I hope one day you do get to experience it though, cause damn there is no other feeling that even comes close to that...in terms of intensity and depth.

 

There COULD be a multitude of reasons behind that though...

 

Are you both religious? Are you both spiritual? Do you guys believe in horoscopes? lol.

 

If NONE of these things played a part in your relationship with boyfriend upon meeting, then good for you. However, I still have a hard time believing this 'genuine' chemistry exist anywhere in this world.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what does it feel like? And what exactly makes you guys compatible with one another?

[katiegrl]

Good luck. Women have declared war on all but the hottest, best looking, most charming guys.

 

LOL, what an absurd suggestion. Which I won't even attempt to respond to...as I realize where it comes from.

 

Ignorance mostly, with some *bitterness* thrown in for good measure!! :bunny:

 

Sad...

[Jonp219]

The source is "I want, I want, I want a perfect guy perfect in every way." It's female hogwash.

 

You do sound a little jaded though lol

[Jonp219]

Women just experience this chemistry with the hottest most charming guys. If you aren't one of them you don't have it. Most guys don't have it but more and more females demand it and get mad when she can't get the hottest guy in town.

 

You'd be surprised I know a couple of guys who have very very attractive wives and their not exactly GQ models themselves. It really comes down to preference. And no, they're not rich either.

[katiegrl]

There COULD be a multitude of reasons behind that though...

 

Are you both religious? Are you both spiritual? Do you guys believe in horoscopes? lol.

 

If NONE of these things played a part in your relationship with boyfriend upon meeting, then good for you. However, I still have a hard time believing this 'genuine' chemistry exist anywhere in this world.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what does it feel like? And what exactly makes you guys compatible with one another?

 

No, no and no!!! That notion is hilarious!!

 

In all seriousness though, as I said it's indefinable as it's an energy between two people, and energy is indefinable.

 

Have you ever wondered why it is you feel more comfortable with some people, anyone, when you first meet....but not as comfortable with others? Not just women but anyone?

 

It's because of the energy between you ...it's good positive energy!

 

Now kick that up about 1000 notches and when you meet a chick where that type of energy is flowing between you... Wowza! You will BOTH feel it, there will be no question!

 

It will feel like you have known each other for a hundred years already, even though you just met! Combined with an almost uncontrollable urge to be in her presence as often as possible... and not just for sex!

 

You just feel an incredible comfort being next to her..again hard to explain unless you have experienced it.

 

I hope you do someday!!!

[katiegrl]

Women just experience this chemistry with the hottest most charming guys. If you aren't one of them you don't have it. Most guys don't have it but more and more females demand it and get mad when she can't get the hottest guy in town.

 

I will tell my boyfriend that...he will be flattered as hell!

 

As he is actually not the most *charming,* or hottest guy I have ever been with...in fact he is a huge science nerd!! Kinda geeky actually (which he is the first to admit) ....but I adore him and have from day one!

 

He is 'hot" TO ME, because of the way I feel about him, but he is certainly not the hottest guy I have ever been with.

 

I used to work in the entertainment industry and was surrounded by so called "hot" guys all day long. A few of them wanted to take me out, but I never felt *anything* but friendship with any of them!

[katiegrl]

First bolded part: Please cite the source for these statistics. If you can't find them, we can all assume you just made it up.

 

Second bolded part: Literally this makes no sense. If something is indefinable than how would you know it's "energy" or "intangible"?

 

I take it science wasn't your best subject? Lol

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

It's just the female gender putting incredibly high demands on guys that most guys can't possibly meet.

 

Oh please. Stop whining! Women have it just as bad as guys do, if not WORSE. I mean seriously, I could sit here and cry like you are, saying how if a woman isn't a size 0, doesn't have DD cups, doesn't have a 20 inch waist or long brunette (or blonde) hair, doesn't have a full set of Angelina Jolie type lips, or a cute button nose, or long lithe legs, then I guess the rest of us women should just "give up" on dating...I mean, what's the point, right?! If a woman does NOT have the above mentioned sexy and attractive physical attributes, then I guess NO guy on this earth will EVER find us 'hot' or 'sexy' and will NEVER EVER want to date us or have sex with us!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Men and women alike deal with what you're crying about. Every single day. Deal with it.

 

And stop making sweeping generalizations about women and about what WE find attractive and admirable in a guy.

 

 

.

[Breezee]

Each person is different. I'm in my 50's now but between the ages of 25 and 35, I probably dated 20-25 guys and had butterflies with two of them. Actually fell in love with one of them, the other was mostly lust. I was really attracted to my STBXH and we had so much in common. I never felt butterflies with him but I knew he was the one because we simply jelled to well and he was one of three people (aside from my brothers & sister) who could make me laugh to tears. I think you'll know when you find "the one".

[Jonp219]

I will tell my boyfriend that...he will be flattered as hell!

 

As he is actually not the most *charming,* or hottest guy I have ever been with...in fact he is a huge science nerd!! Kinda geeky actually (which he is the first to admit) ....but I adore him and have from day one!

 

He is 'hot" TO ME, because of the way I feel about him, but he is certainly not the hottest guy I have ever been with.

 

I used to work in the entertainment industry and was surrounded by so called "hot" guys all day long. A few of them wanted to take me out, but I never felt *anything* but friendship with any of them!

 

How did you guys meet?

[katiegrl]

Yep. It's weird because it's a new form of incompatibility. I'm used to great emotional, but the sexual is off. Then there is where the sexual is there mentally and physically, but no personality click.

 

But with my GF we bond emotionally, intellectually, and personality wise. Then the physical in person is absolutely magnetic. We can't keep our hands off each other! However, it's her lack of expression, sexual excitement, and flirtation/banter, etc that's making me feel bored mentally. I want to feel that mental arousal, the excitement that builds between dates, etc.. However, she probably doesn't know how to express that side of herself.

 

On one hand, you say the physical is magnetic, you can't keep your hands off each other ....but on the other hand, she lacks sexual excitement?

 

Can you clarify as those two things contradict each other...

 

In any event though, if you are bored mentally, what's the point?

 

You can't force her to be as responsive as you need her to be. It's just not who she is.