What's wrong with me?

[elaine567]

H also revealed he had a bondage fetish, so he tied me up a couple of times. Not to do sexy stuff to me… just to tie me up. Hog-tie and gag. He’s especially into the gagging. And then he'd leave me on the bed. Or make me watch TV. And that’s it, the end of the fantasy. Which was fine, it was nice that he shared that with me and kind of fun… but didn’t really do anything for me, especially if there’s not really sex involved.

 

I actually had a very good laugh at this, the ridiculousness of it is comedy genius, but it is not really funny and is the perfect analogy for your marriage.

 

He bound up your hands and feet by marrying you, but although the promise of sex was there, nothing really took off.

He may have got something out of the marriage, by keeping you metaphorically tied up and gagged, but there was nothing in it for you, and that is where it all becomes so sad.

You were left tied up with him watching the TV for years, when there was a life to be lived.

 

Cheating or not, this marriage is dead, it should have been carted off to the knackers yard, years ago.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I got to tell you I don't see a healthy relationship in any of these men. If you want to save your marriage, then I suggest that you terminate all other relationships, be honest with your husband and go from there. Cheating is never a legitimate choice, but I would think long and hard about continuing with any of these men. I could be completely wrong, but it appears to me that all of them just want to use you and that is not healthy.

[dichotomy]

I could be completely wrong, but it appears to me that all of them just want to use you and that is not healthy.

 

 

It sounds to me like a mutual arrangement (use for sex) on both sides.

[Zenstudent]

I don't condone/accept/approve of what you've done, BUT.... [insert every fault of OP's husband]

 

I agree that it sucks when your husbands weight explodes, his sexual performance dwindle and his understanding of your sexuality is non-existant, I totally get that.

 

BUT... there's one major difference in his faults and your betrayal. His faults are visible, you had the chance to act on them. You forgot to tell him that you would bed someone else, to get yours, so he could act on the fact.

 

Time to divorce.

[ww_girl]

Update: Rough couple of days. Things are... okay. Weird.

 

H was understandably having some periods of getting very upset. We had a couple of good talks. He wanted details that were very hard for me to share. And I am not sure what level of detail I should go into... I feel like maybe we should talk to a counselor before we go into too much. I don't want to tell him things that will just make it worse.

 

On Friday I ended things with one AP. I showed H the texts (which also referenced a phone conversation we had). H also had me end a friendship with a guy I'd been chatting with on an online game (H had been going through my computer and phone for a week). I ended things with the other AP today.

 

After a talk we had on Saturday, H calmed down a lot. I think he realizes that these weren't emotional affairs, and that helped. We talked about how we have such a great friendship, and that we don't want to mess up the kids' lives. I said that no matter what happens, I hoped we could still be friends. He said "Well, of course we would be. We have kids together." And he said he knows that I have a bit of an addictive personality and can get fixated on things, and I probably just got fixated on this and now we can move on. For instance, I once became sort of obsessed with Montgomery Clift, watched all his movies, read a couple of biographies. Not sure this is quite the same! But maybe he's right. Maybe we just go back to status-quo now.

 

We went to a movie with the kids on Saturday night, and he wanted to hold hands. And he's been very touchy-feely since then. Which is okay. But sort of making me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. Last night he wanted to cuddle in bed then mentioned he was getting an erection, and I was just like... soooo not ready to go there. I can't believe he would be, especially since it doesn't end up panning out most of the time. Is that normal? Also, I guess I'm just thinking "Why? Why do you want to touch me? Why would you want to be intimate with me?" He's said things like "You're mine. I don't want to share you." And I'm thinking, "No, I belong to myself."

 

I've shared a lot of the things that I've shared here, with him. Of course most of our former issues aren't news to him.

 

"The problems in the marriage you own equally and can only be fixed if you share the work equally."

 

I think this is a big worry for me. I wronged him. I know that. Does this mean I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to him? Let him tie me up whenever he wants? Continue to accept his laziness? In fact, let him be more lazy than before without complaint?

[ww_girl]

"You forgot to tell him that you would bed someone else, to get yours, so he could act on the fact."

 

This is very true. However, this issue has come to head several times in our marriage. Once to the point where I said it was a deal-breaker (pre-kids). And then he would try... for a while. Maybe a couple of months. Maybe that's why I'm so apprehensive now.

 

Last year I asked for an open marriage. He said no. And then did nothing for a couple of months. We had another blowup after that and he said he'd make a counseling appointment. He never did.

 

I wondered if perhaps he thought that I would pursue outside options after that and maybe he knew what I was doing and was turning a blind eye. Honestly, I was a bit shocked that he was apparently blindsided by this.

 

Then, in the last two or three months he started to try to lose weight, got testosterone shots, etc. But I'd already gone down that other path.

 

Anyway... I'm pretty sure I'm staying. I don't hate him or anything like that. I'm very fond of him. He's my best friend and a good guy and a loving father. He's funny. We like some of the same things. I don't want to tear up my kids' lives. I'll do anything to keep them happy. It's just unfortunate that he's lazy and negative and selfish and only focused on sports and movies, and doesn't challenge me intellectually or interest me sexually and doesn't smell great. Honestly, I knew most of that when I married him, so this is my own fault.

[autumnnight]

I think this is a big worry for me. I wronged him. I know that. Does this mean I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to him? Let him tie me up whenever he wants? Continue to accept his laziness? In fact, let him be more lazy than before without complaint?

 

The answer to that depends on who you ask.

 

But the truth is that if you both want to have actual, real recovery, then no.

[Southern Sun]

I did not read the entire thread because, after everything I've been through (fWW), it's kind of hard for me. Too fresh. But I want to answer your original question.

 

Lots of people will tell you that you SHOULD be disgusted with your behavior, feel remorse, etc., RIGHT NOW, or else your marriage just won't make it. But what I've found is that immediately after the affair, your mind isn't there yet. You've spent however long justifying and rationalizing your actions in your own mind. You had to make it okay within yourself, so you just aren't there yet. You have to get totally clear of the affair, and that means complete and total NC with the people attached to the affair (APs, but also any enablers, etc.) in order to begin to see clearly. You have to use your BRAIN and your heart will follow, because if you make decisions in your current state, they will be WRONG. As you walk this out, you will start to see how utterly insane you were.

 

As for the rest of your concerns...I can't really comment. Good luck...

[starglider]

ww_girl,

 

Good luck with the process of connecting with your husband again. Given what you describe as your obsessive personality (Montgomery Cliff etc.) may I recommend a great book called:

 

"Facing Love Addiction," by Pia Mellody

 

It doesn't mean you are a sex addict, it has more to do with the escapist nature of fantasy and the drug like high of feeling in love, be it an online friend, and AP, or even a movie star. It has great info on the cycle of Love Addiction and the codependence with Love Avoidants (maybe your husband?), things to help with the withdrawal of the affair and facing your reality, and more exercises to work through your stuff.

 

You'll get through this but you may feel very empty, lonely, lost, and confused when you are left with yourself now, not relying on the high of the connection you had before. You'll reconnect with who you are and avoid this in the future. Then you can see if your M is worth saving or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is very true. However, this issue has come to head several times in our marriage. Once to the point where I said it was a deal-breaker (pre-kids). And then he would try... for a while. Maybe a couple of months. Maybe that's why I'm so apprehensive now.

 

Last year I asked for an open marriage. He said no. And then did nothing for a couple of months. We had another blowup after that and he said he'd make a counseling appointment. He never did.

 

As I'm sure you know, none of these rationalizations are valid reasons for cheating. They don't even make good after-the-fact excuses.

 

Anyway... I'm pretty sure I'm staying. I don't hate him or anything like that. I'm very fond of him. He's my best friend and a good guy and a loving father. He's funny. We like some of the same things. I don't want to tear up my kids' lives. I'll do anything to keep them happy.

 

And none of these are valid reasons for staying if this is how you feel:

 

It's just unfortunate that he's lazy and negative and selfish and only focused on sports and movies, and doesn't challenge me intellectually or interest me sexually and doesn't smell great. Honestly, I knew most of that when I married him, so this is my own fault.

 

I once heard something along the lines of "live your life as you'd want to hear it described to someone else". Read back what you've written and what you propose to do - is that the description you'd want to hear ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi WW-Girl, I have read the relevant parts of your post and while I can empathize with the dilemma you seem to face, probably because you are immersed in the situation and NOT able to see the issues clearly, I can tell you that from your posts, your actual desires seem to me to be crystal clear.

 

From what I can see, you are done with your marriage, at least in the romantic and filial sphere. You may be friends with your husband and may share some of his interests and find him funny and so on but these are not strong enough reasons for you to be interested in him in a romantic or sexual way. In fact on that front you find him a bit distasteful(Body odour, ED, Obesity and lack of interest in sex) and probably have done so right from the start. If within a year of your marriage you two had a blowup about this lack of interest in sex then I think you do not need to look very far for the reasons that drove you to satisfy your sexual needs outside of the marriage.

 

I think you got into this marriage with your eyes closed and let the fact that you got along with your husband so well on a social basis, be the guiding factor in your decision to marry him. That said it is pretty obvious that your marriage was doomed from the very start. Your own gut feel was that you knew that you were making a mistake and yet you went ahead with the wedding. The fact is that you were much younger and lacked the maturity to see where your own interests lay. This is one of the reasons that you do not feel guilt for the actual philandering that you have indulged in.

 

I would think that the the most rational and sensible thing for you to do now would be to tell your husband that it is not going to work and that you need your freedom to be able to find your own destiny before it is too late and you are too old to find happiness and sexual satisfaction with some one else. You will always have contact with your husband since you will have to co-parent your children but you do not have to be attached to him maritally. A lot of people will tell you that you have been terrible and are a moral pervert. However no one really has a right to do so because they are not in your shoes. Even Jesus told the woman caught in adultery that if no one else would throw a stone at her because they were not without blemish themselves then neither would he! Gues I have written a ly here and I do hope it makes sense to you. You have to take a call because it is your life and you alone have to live and bear the consequences of it, good or bad. Cheers!

[Artie Lang]

well, this all sounds like you're settling... sounds like you're gonna "fake it till you make it," or at least till you feel justified in cheating again.

 

you need to fix your situation, not put a band-aid on it hoping it'll heal.

[fellini]

On the one hand everything Just a guy said sounds very reasonable. But then so did the other poster who spoke about delayed remorse right after dday. My WW was the same way, remorse not, panicked about being outted before she was "done" with AP, yes.

 

But then she came out of the affair and began to think whole again, not compartmentalization (to use the least objectionable of possible terms).

 

The normal advice to a BS might well suit the two of you here. Give yourselves 3 months to figure out where you want to be. An honest 3 months to come out of affair fog, put your decisions, and yes, your extra marital needs aside, and see if there are two people there who really never gave each other a real chance because they both said yes to a mediocre marriage many years ago.

 

I dont say this because I think that marriages should be saved at the expense of anything, but because if you are not SURE ABOUT ANYTHING, THEN DO NOTHING. Get out of affair fog, focus on the much needed support for having hurt your best friend (no you do not do this because you owe him, you do what you think is reasonable as a gift to your life together).

 

Be in control of your self image and dignity and see where this takes you. 3 months is nothing, but could, be everything. If it fails, then at least you will know why you are leaving, or why you are staying, and a little more about what you can expect from this relationship in doing so.

[nightmare01]

On the one hand everything Just a guy said sounds very reasonable. But then so did the other poster who spoke about delayed remorse right after dday. My WW was the same way, remorse not, panicked about being outted before she was "done" with AP, yes.

 

But then she came out of the affair and began to think whole again, not compartmentalization (to use the least objectionable of possible terms).

 

The normal advice to a BS might well suit the two of you here. Give yourselves 3 months to figure out where you want to be. An honest 3 months to come out of affair fog, put your decisions, and yes, your extra marital needs aside, and see if there are two people there who really never gave each other a real chance because they both said yes to a mediocre marriage many years ago.

 

I dont say this because I think that marriages should be saved at the expense of anything, but because if you are not SURE ABOUT ANYTHING, THEN DO NOTHING. Get out of affair fog, focus on the much needed support for having hurt your best friend (no you do not do this because you owe him, you do what you think is reasonable as a gift to your life together).

 

Be in control of your self image and dignity and see where this takes you. 3 months is nothing, but could, be everything. If it fails, then at least you will know why you are leaving, or why you are staying, and a little more about what you can expect from this relationship in doing so.

 

Actually I think 3 months is a bit short - 6 months I think should be the minimum.

 

IMO in order for this to work she needs to completely NC with the OM for the entire 6 months. Keeping contact going with OM will just continue the affair, and she will never completely detox from the OM.

 

She can't seriously give her BH a chance as long as OM is around.

 

NC = not seeing OM. NO communication at all with OM. No checking OMs FB or any other social media. Not talking to mutual friends of OM. NC means absolutely no contact at all.

 

If after 6 months of NC with OM she still doesn't want to give her BH and her marriage a chance, then she can walk away with a clear conscience knowing she gave the M her best shot.

[fellini]

More or less agreed. I gave my WW 3 months. This was enough for me to know if the path we were on was going to continue or not. I gave us another 3 months, but for that period I was looking for specific behaviours which would allow me to feel reconciliation was indeed possible. Even with that, we had enormous setbacks, but none of them involved contact with AP (even though they work in the same building) nor issue directly related to cheating.

 

The important thing is not to try to accomplish anything in less than 3 months because the timetable puts people into unrealistic situations and the pressure in fact works against both parties finding their way through the quagmire.

 

 

 

Actually I think 3 months is a bit short - 6 months I think should be the minimum.

 

IMO in order for this to work she needs to completely NC with the OM for the entire 6 months. Keeping contact going with OM will just continue the affair, and she will never completely detox from the OM.

 

She can't seriously give her BH a chance as long as OM is around.

 

NC = not seeing OM. NO communication at all with OM. No checking OMs FB or any other social media. Not talking to mutual friends of OM. NC means absolutely no contact at all.

 

If after 6 months of NC with OM she still doesn't want to give her BH and her marriage a chance, then she can walk away with a clear conscience knowing she gave the M her best shot.

[nightmare01]

More or less agreed. I gave my WW 3 months. This was enough for me to know if the path we were on was going to continue or not. I gave us another 3 months, but for that period I was looking for specific behaviours which would allow me to feel reconciliation was indeed possible. Even with that, we had enormous setbacks, but none of them involved contact with AP (even though they work in the same building) nor issue directly related to cheating.

 

The important thing is not to try to accomplish anything in less than 3 months because the timetable puts people into unrealistic situations and the pressure in fact works against both parties finding their way through the quagmire.

 

I agree. And will add that it actually not the time that heals, but what is done with the time that counts.

[SawtoothMars]

"You forgot to tell him that you would bed someone else, to get yours, so he could act on the fact."

This is very true. However, this issue has come to head several times in our marriage. Once to the point where I said it was a deal-breaker (pre-kids). And then he would try... for a while. Maybe a couple of months. Maybe that's why I'm so apprehensive now.

Last year I asked for an open marriage. He said no. And then did nothing for a couple of months. We had another blowup after that and he said he'd make a counseling appointment. He never did.

I wondered if perhaps he thought that I would pursue outside options after that and maybe he knew what I was doing and was turning a blind eye. Honestly, I was a bit shocked that he was apparently blindsided by this.

Then, in the last two or three months he started to try to lose weight, got testosterone shots, etc. But I'd already gone down that other path.

Anyway... I'm pretty sure I'm staying. I don't hate him or anything like that. I'm very fond of him. He's my best friend and a good guy and a loving father. He's funny. We like some of the same things. I don't want to tear up my kids' lives. I'll do anything to keep them happy. It's just unfortunate that he's lazy and negative and selfish and only focused on sports and movies, and doesn't challenge me intellectually or interest me sexually and doesn't smell great. Honestly, I knew most of that when I married him, so this is my own fault.

 

Your cheating should be viewed as a secondary issue. Your Husband has some massive lifestyle problems that must be dealt with.

 

You have SO much resentment built up against him, that I'm not sure even if he changes you would be willing to trust it will last.

 

I really feel like you are not the one who should be on here getting advice. Your husband is the one who needs counseling and help. Only once he gets his crap together should you begin working on stuff together.

 

I can't help but think the cheating has been extremely unhelpful to your situation. You really should have handled this a better way. How is he supposed to work on fixing himself to be with you while dealing with this at the same time? Heck... if he loses 180 lbs and gets his dick working again... it's going to leave him wondering if he really wants to stay with you now.

 

Finally, if other people have not mentioned it. Look up Hysterical Bonding. He may be going through this phase.

[Quiet Storm]

I think your best bet is to leave the marriage, but that is just my opinion. I can tell you that your kids aren't benefiting from seeing an example of a marriage lacking intimacy and involving infidelity. They will be much better off with two happy and solid people who work together to co-parent.

 

 

I agree that kids would be better off with divorce in a situation like this IF their parents are two happy & solid people. It's a naive misconception that divorce will turn unhappy, emotionally immature people into happy & well balanced people. It's very rare IMO, for marriages affected by infidelity to involve two emotionally healthy people. Unless the marriage is abusive, divorce is not usually helpful to the kids if the parents underlying character issues are not addressed.

 

Many times, a divorce results in two miserable people in different places, focusing on getting their new lives started, instead of helping their kids. Most people who are selfish enough to cheat (and put their kids stability at risk), aren't going to suddenly morph into a selfless person who puts their kids first. They are the ones that will bring their boyfriend over too soon because they're lonely & can't find a babysitter. They are the ones that are so focused on their love lives that they neglect to see that their kids are hurting. They are the ones that get so consumed by their emotions they'll spend an entire evening in their bedroom crying when their boyfriend disappoints them.

 

So in a perfect world, it would be great if this couple could divorce, focus on their kids well being and stability, and create two separate stable & happy homes. I just don't think that's realistic.

 

The sad truth is that the kids will be negatively affected either way, so the question becomes, what is the lesser of two evils? They will still have a selfish mom and dad wherever they live because both spouses in this scenario have issues.

 

I know many divorced people and children of divorce. The ones raised in dysfunctional homes think their lives would've been better had their parents divorced, but the reality is they likely would've fared worse. Those dysfunctional parents would've still had their same unhealthy traits, they'd just be focused on their new dysfunctional love interests. The people whose parents do divorce often say they weren't affected negatively, but time & time again they have low self worth issues evident by the choices they make in their lives. My observations have led me to the conclusion that the problems these kids/adults have don't come from their parents divorcing or staying married. The problems are because they have at least one emotionally dysfunctional parent, who is very selfish. Whether married or single.

 

The kids will likely have issues either way when their parents allow their problems to rain all over their kids instead of protecting them and being the best person they can possibly be for them. The bottom line is that parents need to make a commitment to resolve their individual issues (it can takes years of therapy), if you want to be a good parent to your kids. This way, whether you are married or divorced, you are solid & stable enough to be the kind of parent they need. If you do remain married, marriage counseling is needed in addition to individual counseling.

 

Parenting is so much more than being nice, giving hugs and providing. You have to be a good model for your kids. As much as people protest "I'll never be like my parents", most will either repeat similar mistakes, have horrible coping skills or they'll have low self worth and make really bad choices, especially in their relationships. They'll be on LS in 20 years trying to make sense of it all. The cycle can be broken, but it takes effort, introspection, self awareness and tons of therapy.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Spectre]

Just divorce the man. Okay I get it you are "fond" of him, but wtf? Fond? I'm fond of my damn cat. This is a spouse not a pet. You need to be more then friggin fond of him. Either you do not understand this(which would be serious cause for alarm in itself) or you do understand it and just don't care. Which is it?

[turnera]

So you're staying. Then make a conscious choice to live a life of integrity, at least until the kids are grown. Then make a decision if you want to stay in a sexless life.

 

 

But please keep going to therapy. Both of you.

 

 

And read His Needs Her Needs to understand what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. And incorporate what it teaches you. And do what the author suggests: spend 15 hours a week together away from kids, chores, and work. If you both learn a bond for each other, you'll both be motivated to do things for each other, like get to a healthy weight and let the doctor help him with his ED (note: it might take therapy, not medicine).

 

 

If you spend the next 10 years doing that, you may find you don't need to leave once the kids are gone, that you can find the happiness right there.

[Spectre]

Or if you do decide to leave once the kids are gone make sure he knows about it plenty in advance. Do NOT drop the bomb 2 weeks before the kids graduate or something. You don't get to do that.

[ww_girl]

I did not read the entire thread because, after everything I've been through (fWW), it's kind of hard for me. Too fresh. But I want to answer your original question.

 

Lots of people will tell you that you SHOULD be disgusted with your behavior, feel remorse, etc., RIGHT NOW, or else your marriage just won't make it. But what I've found is that immediately after the affair, your mind isn't there yet. You've spent however long justifying and rationalizing your actions in your own mind. You had to make it okay within yourself, so you just aren't there yet. You have to get totally clear of the affair, and that means complete and total NC with the people attached to the affair (APs, but also any enablers, etc.) in order to begin to see clearly. You have to use your BRAIN and your heart will follow, because if you make decisions in your current state, they will be WRONG. As you walk this out, you will start to see how utterly insane you were.

 

As for the rest of your concerns...I can't really comment. Good luck...

 

Thank you for that answer to my original question, Southern_Sun. And I hope you're doing okay.

 

I've been completely NC for a week now, and it's hard but also... freeing. I KNEW that I was spending too much time thinking about it and texting them and was generally distracted from my life. I knew I was compartmentalizing and justifying it. I knew it was wrong. Logically, I knew I was acting insane. That was part of the reason I went to IC. It's hard but now I feel like I have a bit of my life back. More in control of myself. And now I can see all the damage and pain I've caused and I feel really, really awful.

[ww_girl]

I think you got into this marriage with your eyes closed and let the fact that you got along with your husband so well on a social basis, be the guiding factor in your decision to marry him. Your own gut feel was that you knew that you were making a mistake and yet you went ahead with the wedding.

 

I think this is very true. We had a lot in common and got along well and I guess I thought we would have all the time in the world to figure the rest of the stuff out. Sadly, I'm sure this happens all the time. I was speaking with a recently divorced friend, about another friend getting divorced, and said "I always thought S was crazy about M and that's why she kept going back to him." She said, "NO! She kept going back to him because he was a security blanket." I said "You think she just settled for him then?" She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Of COURSE she settled for him. She settled, I settled, X settled, Y settled, and I know you settled too."

 

And then... when I met H I snowboarded A LOT. He said something recently like "I knew if I wanted to date you, I had to learn to snowboard." And he did. And we went a lot. When he said that I thought it was sweet. But guess what? We stopped snowboarding because it was too much trouble (i.e. he was lazy). Sometimes I feel like I got snowed.

 

I would think that the the most rational and sensible thing for you to do now would be to tell your husband that it is not going to work and that you need your freedom to be able to find your own destiny before it is too late and you are too old to find happiness and sexual satisfaction with some one else. You will always have contact with your husband since you will have to co-parent your children but you do not have to be attached to him maritally.

 

You have to take a call because it is your life and you alone have to live and bear the consequences of it, good or bad. Cheers!

 

But here's the thing... I don't kid myself that there's some prince charming waiting. I have way too many friends who have never been married, and divorced friends, navigating the dating waters out there and it's not pretty. My H is a nice, funny guy. Neither of us fared well with dating back when we were young and probably more attractive. What if we break up, and I've just doomed us both to a life of being alone? I'll be sitting at home alone without even my kids there. And in our old age when sex doesn't matter any more... no companionship, less financial security.

 

I guess that's shallow. Or I'm just too practical. I'm in IT... I tend to be overly logical sometimes I think.

[ww_girl]

I think H was in a period of "hysterical bonding" for a while. Then Friday night he asked some questions and got really upset. Then he looked at my phone while I was putting the kids to bed and found something. We talked/fought rather heatedly. I slept on the couch because he "couldn't stand to look at me." Saturday was awful, though we had a good talk, both about staying together and what would happen if we broke up. Then I took the kids to an activity in the afternoon. That night we went somewhere as a family, and on the way home he held my hand. And Sunday was sort of normal. He wanted to cuddle last night and this morning. I just... don't know where we're at. And it's seriously hard to function normally when you feel like you have cortisol rather than blood coursing through your body.

 

H went to counseling on Thursday. We're going to our first C appointment on Wednesday. He's going to the doctor this Thursday. Which is amazing. He's always refused to go to the doctor before, because he doesn't want the doctor to tell him he's fat, lol. I see my IC tomorrow. I haven't seen her since before D-day so that will be interesting.

 

We're going to go to counseling and go through the summer and see where we're at.

[ww_girl]

On the one hand everything Just a guy said sounds very reasonable. But then so did the other poster who spoke about delayed remorse right after dday. My WW was the same way, remorse not, panicked about being outted before she was "done" with AP, yes.

 

But then she came out of the affair and began to think whole again, not compartmentalization (to use the least objectionable of possible terms).

 

The normal advice to a BS might well suit the two of you here. Give yourselves 3 months to figure out where you want to be. An honest 3 months to come out of affair fog, put your decisions, and yes, your extra marital needs aside, and see if there are two people there who really never gave each other a real chance because they both said yes to a mediocre marriage many years ago.

 

I dont say this because I think that marriages should be saved at the expense of anything, but because if you are not SURE ABOUT ANYTHING, THEN DO NOTHING. Get out of affair fog, focus on the much needed support for having hurt your best friend (no you do not do this because you owe him, you do what you think is reasonable as a gift to your life together).

 

Be in control of your self image and dignity and see where this takes you. 3 months is nothing, but could, be everything. If it fails, then at least you will know why you are leaving, or why you are staying, and a little more about what you can expect from this relationship in doing so.

 

I think this is great advice. Thank you.