sandylee1 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 When I suggested a separation, it should be with agreed conditions including no dating/sleeping with others. Use it as a period to see if you want to live apart permanently. You may find that it's not really what you want and that you do in fact love/miss your husband more than you thought. Or it could give you clarity that this is how you'd prefer to live, on your own with joint custody and you proceed to file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 When I suggested a separation, it should be with agreed conditions including no dating/sleeping with others. Use it as a period to see if you want to live apart permanently. You may find that it's not really what you want and that you do in fact love/miss your husband more than you thought. Or it could give you clarity that this is how you'd prefer to live, on your own with joint custody and you proceed to file for divorce. I also meant to say that you should seek counseling during the separation period. The counsellor can help you with your feelings and to cover likely outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
lisbon67 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Lifewasted ...a bit harsh on the h surely? Just because he's put on a bit of weight and unfortunately suffers from some form of ED ( not his fault )....doesn't mean 'serves him right' that his wife is cheating behind his back.... We re only getting the WW s side here....she's doing a great job to justify her sneaking around behind BH back....and everyone on here backing her up to the hilt. .???!!!....all this self-serving 'it was only the real feasible option' kinda thing is bull really....any wayword spouse could come up with legitimization if they tried hard enough.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 When I suggested a separation, it should be with agreed conditions including no dating/sleeping with others. Use it as a period to see if you want to live apart permanently. You may find that it's not really what you want and that you do in fact love/miss your husband more than you thought. Or it could give you clarity that this is how you'd prefer to live, on your own with joint custody and you proceed to file for divorce. There is no way in heck she would be able to do this and not see other men. The gloves would be off then. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Lifewasted ...a bit harsh on the h surely? Just because he's put on a bit of weight and unfortunately suffers from some form of ED ( not his fault )....doesn't mean 'serves him right' that his wife is cheating behind his back.... We re only getting the WW s side here....she's doing a great job to justify her sneaking around behind BH back....and everyone on here backing her up to the hilt. .???!!!....all this self-serving 'it was only the real feasible option' kinda thing is bull really....any wayword spouse could come up with legitimization if they tried hard enough.... I'm not backing her up. What she did was inexcusable. He may indeed have low T and ED, but for a man to let himself balloon up to above 300 pounds is just as inexcusable. ED is often a sign of high BP. He is overweight and cruising for a stroke or heat attack. I could see a woman not feeling safe in that situation. Again, not an excuse for her cheating, but he needs to take some responsibility for his role in her disconnect. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) I will avoid talking about your FB's..and cheating sexually with them. Sounds like you have no emotional connection and it was for all just sex. Yes cheating is bad (I am a BH..I get it). However, your story has so much pain. Little to no sex, you try to work with him, he ignores your needs, lets himself go...and best he can accomplish after year and years ... is finally taking some testosterone ..is to tie you up, gag you, leave you alone in the bed to watch TV. This is a betrayal of you and his role as your husband. Its cruel. He abandoned the marriage, himself, and you years ago. I don't cheer or condemn what you did, but I understand it, and I have little sympathies for your selfish husband. If your kids are grown - time to move on. Edited April 17, 2015 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 P.S. if you divorce your husband, I see I high probability that he will start working out, loose some weight, increase his testosterone replacement, get on Viagra, and starting dating women with passionate interest. All things he would not do for you, because he could (until now) get away with not doing them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
inuyoshi Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 if it were written by a man, I doubt there would be sympathy for him. And there's the fact that she had had an affair with a married man, poor OMW. If she divorced earlier and had not been in the affairs divorce could have been friendly, but she is a cake eater ... Your kids will not have a normal childhood because of it, not by the divorce but the resentment that you two will have for each other... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
inuyoshi Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Ohh yeah? you needs to take some responsibility for the affair of your wife too? I bet she also had a justification. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 if it were written by a man, I doubt there would be sympathy for him. And there's the fact that she had had an affair with a married man, poor OMW. If she divorced earlier and had not been in the affairs divorce could have been friendly, but she is a cake eater ... Your kids will not have a normal childhood because of it, not by the divorce but the resentment that you two will have for each other... I dunno. I've seen cases where the wife was a frigid nagging harpie, and though no one here condones cheating, they would understandably have a bit of sympathy for a man who found himself with such a wife. Cheating is always wrong, but having the capacity for nuanced understanding of a situation is not a bad thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Lifewasted ...a bit harsh on the h surely? Just because he's put on a bit of weight and unfortunately suffers from some form of ED ( not his fault )....doesn't mean 'serves him right' that his wife is cheating behind his back.... We re only getting the WW s side here....she's doing a great job to justify her sneaking around behind BH back....and everyone on here backing her up to the hilt. .???!!!....all this self-serving 'it was only the real feasible option' kinda thing is bull really....any wayword spouse could come up with legitimization if they tried hard enough.... It's one thing to put on 10-15 lbs in middle age and anyone can fail to rise to the occasion once in awhile. That is not the case here though. There is no excuse for anyone to balloon up to 360lbs. And there is no excuse to have chronic ED and not seek treatment and not seek a healthier lifestyle. If someone puts on a ton of weight and lives like a slug on the couch and doesn't even try to address their partner's needs, they can't expect their partner to not eventually seek satisfaction elsewhere. And this is true for both males and females. If you don't lift a finger to remain attractive for your partner and don't lift a finger to take care of them, someone else will. That may not be right. That may not be moral. That may not be ethical and that may not be nice, but it is fact. She exhibited bad behavior in cheating, but he contributed to conditions which lead up to her making the decision to drop her drawers for someone else. If you put on 100 lbs and don't lift a finger to address your health issues and don't lift a finger to take care of your mate, you waive your right to expect their exclusivity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
inuyoshi Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I dunno. I've seen cases where the wife was a frigid nagging harpie, and though no one here condones cheating, they would understandably have a bit of sympathy for a man who found himself with such a wife. Cheating is always wrong, but having the capacity for nuanced understanding of a situation is not a bad thing. I doubt it, every man who betrayed by something like your spouse be inattractive is highly condemned here and rightly so. I have no sympathy for her because despite being a poor husband she had no right to have an affair, he was a good father and children will suffer because of it. The husband will suffer the emotional rollercoaster, in addition to waste time with your children and money with allimony and child support because of the affair from his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I doubt it, every man who betrayed by something like your spouse be inattractive is highly condemned here and rightly so. I have no sympathy for her because despite being a poor husband she had no right to have an affair, he was a good father and children will suffer because of it. The husband will suffer the emotional rollercoaster, in addition to waste time with your children and money with alimony and child support because of the affair from his wife. Like I said, cheating is always horribly wrong, but there are some people who can validate the horrible wrongness of cheating and see the separate issue of someone being a crappy, neglectful, selfish spouse. It doesn't justify cheating, but cheating doesn't make it disappear either. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 You tried solving a problem by choosing the worst solution. I really hope that at least your AP is single so your search for having your needs met didn't blow up another family. A simple divorce without infidelity would have been much easier to resolve than with infidelity - not the legal stuff, but the kids stuff. How will they feel about it when daddy informs them of mommy's newest hobbies? Either way, it's done now. But please, please get a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww_girl Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 H came home from work early and we talked (I work from home a coupel of days a week). Wow, it's hard. Still a bit numb. Thanks so much everyone. All of this input is so valuable, even if some it has me bouncing around like a ping pong ball. But so many things hit home in so many ways. Our kids are 7 and 10, so still pretty young. He kept saying "All I keep seeing is their faces, and thinking how could you do this to them?" And he's right. He's already talking about how we can move past this, what he needs me to do for him to be able to forgive me, and I'm still thinking that I'm not sure I want him to, or if I want to stay. I'm not ready for the "Four things your spouse needs to do after cheating" list he's given me. But I don't want to mess up our kids' lives. He's made a counseling appointment for himself. I'm supposed to make a counseling appointment for the two of us. Which is ironic because we had yet another blowup back in December when we went to a Christmas party and had too much to drink. Afterwards, he said "Maybe we should go to counseling." Implying, of course, that I should look into it, find a counselor, set up an appointment, and he'd show up. So I said "Fine. YOU look into it, set up an appointment, and tell me when to be there and I'll come." I knew he was WAY too lazy to actually do any of that, and he never did. That's another one of our problems I suppose. I feel like I do EVERYTHING. I'm in charge of our budget, paying bills, scheduling everything for the kids, deciding what we're going to eat, shopping, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting the kids out the door. And I work full time. He's in charge of sitting on the couch and watching a lot of TV. He actually gets irritated that I don't watch TV with him. I don't watch it because I'm busy and then I'm TIRED. Maybe that's why he gets a kick out of tying me up and making me watch TV, haha. Someone asked if the OM knew about each other. No. I sought out the first OM. We saw each other for a few months and never actually had intercourse. Long story. Think Monica Lewinsky. Then OM #2 asked me to coffee out of the blue. I ended things with OM #1. Recently OM#1 wanted to see me again. We had sex one time. Yes I used protection. Oh, and OM#2 and I only had sex three times. I really suck at cheating, haha. J/k, yes I know all the texts and sexting and non-intercourse sexual activity is still cheating. Sorry, this post is probably pretty disjointed, but that's kind of how my brain is right now. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Like I said, cheating is always horribly wrong, but there are some people who can validate the horrible wrongness of cheating and see the separate issue of someone being a crappy, neglectful, selfish spouse. It doesn't justify cheating, but cheating doesn't make it disappear either. I wholeheartedly agree with this. When people are in an unhealthy environment, they sometimes make unhealthy choices. They have to own the unhealthy choices that they make, but that doesn't automatically wash away the bad environment that the other person created. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Just read that apparently one of your APs was married - inform their partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Just read that apparently one of your APs was married - inform their partner. That's not her responsibility. The BS usually does this or the other WS. OP has enough to deal with in her own marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Truth is an absolute requirement regardless if your decision is reconciliation or divorce. Great that you had the talk, now decide what you want. The cheating is all yours to own, your load to bear. The problems in the marriage you own equally and can only be fixed if you share the work equally. Counselling is a requirement regardless of the outcome because in the worst case scenario your both parents and will need to share the parenting even if it is from two different households and includes a stepmother and stepfather. The children are innocent, your the ones that brought this on them, this is beyond their ability to cope with and need both your help to survive it. Very good first step. Exposure should be your husbands decision. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Tell your husband so he can get rid of you. I'm an awful person I guess, because in a nutshell I'm not sorry I did it, just sorry I got caught. Yep you pretty much summed up yourself perfectly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I will avoid talking about your FB's..and cheating sexually with them. Sounds like you have no emotional connection and it was for all just sex. Yes cheating is bad (I am a BH..I get it). However, your story has so much pain. Little to no sex, you try to work with him, he ignores your needs, lets himself go...and best he can accomplish after year and years ... is finally taking some testosterone ..is to tie you up, gag you, leave you alone in the bed to watch TV. This is a betrayal of you and his role as your husband. Its cruel. He abandoned the marriage, himself, and you years ago. I don't cheer or condemn what you did, but I understand it, and I have little sympathies for your selfish husband. If your kids are grown - time to move on. Uhh, you just called the husband selfish in a topic where his wife is talking about how she had affairs behind his back. You realize this, right? It's ALL kinds of messed up for you to whine about the husband, and yet not a damn word about the wife? Unbelievable. P.S. if you divorce your husband, I see I high probability that he will start working out, loose some weight, increase his testosterone replacement, get on Viagra, and starting dating women with passionate interest. All things he would not do for you, because he could (until now) get away with not doing them. You know what though he can react to his wifes massive betrayal of him any way he wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) If you put on 100 lbs and don't lift a finger to address your health issues and don't lift a finger to take care of your mate, you waive your right to expect their exclusivity. This makes no sense. You have every right to expect exclusivity as long as you are married. So guess what you do if your partner gains a crapload of weight and refuses to lose it? If you answered "be skanky and have multiple affairs!" you are incorrect. If you answered "act like an adult and try to fix your problems or divorce" you are correct! Edited April 17, 2015 by Spectre 4 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Kids should not be a reason to stay. Divorce is not the issue with kids but how toxic the parents can be to each other. Do not stay together for the kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 ww_girl It is normal to feel animosity towards your H. You blame him. But I hope you get individual counseling to deal with your issues. You owe it to yourself to decide if you can live with your past decisions as well as your future ones. Can you be honest with him now? Or in the future? Can you be honest with yourself? I truly believe you need to share the thoughts that you share with us with him. Maybe not right away but when you get your mind together. You'll realize that honesty is the best policy no matter how badly it hurts to tell the truth. And it hurts both of you. Show some compassion if you are capable. HM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stupidcow Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 my D'day was yesterday - I have similar feelings to you - confused 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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