Author Esraem Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Also have good news. I have signed up to go back to school. Hopefully to finally finish a degree and be able to provide a better future for my daughter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 Well guys. It has still been a little rough still being in the same home, but she has moved to the recliner . He bipolar tendencies have gotten a bit more erratic, but I'm getting used to them. I dont know if she is picking up on my body lanquage or what, but I know I have decided to no longer fight it. I will be going out tonight with a friend and who knows what may happen. Speaking with my SIL, she always knew something like this would happen, but she also told me not to be surprised when she tries to come back. At this point there is only one way back. Complete repentance and open everything up for me to see and delete. No more secret accounts, no more passwords, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 How you doing bro? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Its been a little rough still. Unfortunately I am still seeing the two sides of my wife. I see glipses of the woman I married and love and then the cold heartless b****. Sometimes it can happen within minutes. I finally talked to my BIL for the first time alone by phone on Sunday. He didnt know how to talk to me. I told him I didnt expect him to take sides or anything. He was the first family member my wife told. I had to ask what he knew. He told me about what I have done and I asked, well did she include the important issue? He was like what and I told him about the EA and the OM. Lets just say it changed the dynamic of the issues and made it much more clear for him. I also have a feeling there are some issues with the AP. So she is not as sure of herself as she blew up on me last night, because when she asked what my plans were for the evening, I asked why. Now for some healing, I did go to dinner with a new friend on Saturday. We will be keeping it very slow, but it was a hell of an ego boost when you feel unloved. How are you doing GoodGuy? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Hey Buddy, I don't know what to say other then sorry you are having to still be at home with this behavior. I guess I should be happy to some degree that my wife moved in with this guy and I am not having to deal with her moodieness. Well my suggestion is to do what I am doing. Say as little as you need to. Right now you are there as the balance for your daughter for when your wife is not doing what she needs to. So now if my wife changes her plans about watching the boys I just say ok I got them no worries go do whatever you need to. I would keep my intereaction with her to a minimum. When she starts getting heartless just look at her and don't say a word. No reaction and slience along with her guilt will eat her up inside. Be prepared for her behavior to get worse because she seems to be about drama. Dont give her any to feed off of. And thanks for asking I am doing ok. Just still trying to deal with the speed at which this has happened and trying to keep her out of my head because she doesnt deserve my thoughts. They are right as long as you stay on the right path and be real with yourself its does get better. Stay strong bro. I dont know what the rules are on here but we need to exchange numbers. I think it would do us both some good to talk. Let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Hey I would be up for it but it is against the forum rules and would need to be done via PM. Unfortunately neither are Established members. If we put in $2.50 it gives access. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 No Biggie, Dont want to break the rules. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Its a safety thing. Once you put a phone number on here anyone can see it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 All her important people should know the truth. It will help you AND her, in the end. Good job telling BIL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Yeah I kept them secret 18 months ago the first time. Not doing that again. If she wants to try to paint a picture that I was the one that caused it, I am not going to take all the blame this time. Was I perfect, hell no, but I am also the one not giving up on my family. I read about Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central Unfortunately it looks like this is a part of the issue. My SIL read it and instantly knew it sounded like her sister. I think it could be saved, but my STBXW would need to see the issues with herself and be willing to fix them. If not, she will drift and maybe one day it will finally hit her after she has lost everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Was having a pretty good today until the lawyer called and informed me of the new Provisional hearing date. It is now May 18th. 10 days and a month before what would be out 10th Wedding Anniversary. Just working on it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I know thats not easy. Keep pushing through my friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 Well Mothers Day came and went. I had to leave early for a meeting and then went over to my Grandmothers. my STBXW had our daughter. I figured I would be home by around 5-6pm. I look at my phone and surprise, someone logged into my Apple account to find out where I was. (Funny she got pissed when I checked where she was prior to the filing). She has checked up either trying to find if anything was up on facebook or my phone. She even logs into my email. No big deal. Well I get home and she needs to talk. I guess the realization hit that since she couldnt find a full time job. Not a big surprise, she is not going to request primary custody. She never had this planned out. She is selfish and she only thought about her when she got into the EA and not about what was best for the family. Even at the beginning when I asked she couldnt even be truthful. Again I am not surprised as this happend in the Fall of 2013 as stated at the beginning of the thread. She will be moving to Michigan to live with the 56 yo OM and his two kids (24/19). I know teachers dont get paid a lot, but you would think after 10 years he would be able to have a bigger home (800sqft), same as my current duplex and drive a better car (early 2000 POS Bonneville). He also works a second job. I guess I shouldnt care. She isnt my problem anymore. Not for me to protect. Unfortunately it is hard for me not too. I still dont want to see her hurt. Well forward I go. She is most likely moving over Memorial Day and I will get the job of putting my daughter together as this is the second time mommy left her. I am going to need to work hard to make sure she does not get the same mental issues her mom has, especially BPD. Thank you guys for all your help. I will be still posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Esraem, They never plan anything out completely or think about how there actions affect others. Its all about them. And they often downgrade the quality of their lives significantly. Looks like that is true in your case. I know its hard but you have to stop trying to protect her. I am the same way with my ex but I am getting better. They are big girls and need to live with the consequences of their poor decisions, just like we do. Good luck getting through this and I am sure your daughter will be fine due to your influence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 That means a lot Chew. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Esraem, They never plan anything out completely or think about how there actions affect others. Its all about them. And they often downgrade the quality of their lives significantly. Looks like that is true in your case. I know its hard but you have to stop trying to protect her. I am the same way with my ex but I am getting better. They are big girls and need to live with the consequences of their poor decisions, just like we do. Good luck getting through this and I am sure your daughter will be fine due to your influence. Chew you make a great point about giving up being the "protector." I still (after all of this!) have a soft spot for my wife and absolutely hate the idea of her making life more difficult for herself because of this situation, which she undoubtedly has, not only for her but for our daughter as well. Esraem, I wish you luck. I can totally relate to where you are in your struggle, and I feel for you. I know there are better days ahead for you and your daughter. Hang in there! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 E. Hey buddy. I wanted to share something with you since our situations are kind of similar. I went to the movies about a week ago and asked the soon to be ex to stay with the boys until 9:30 since she normally leaves at 7:30. After leaving the movie at 9:15 I called my youngest son to let him know I was on my way and asked if his mom was there. He said no she left at 7:30. Needles to say I was livid. I made a promise to my friend that if I got upset I was to call her and vent not my ex so she has no idea that what she does bothers me and I am moving on. Well after ranting and raving to my friend calling my ex some of the most vile things I could think of, my friend said the following: I know you can see it now because you are still mad and hurting but your wife left you for a 25 year old kid, moved into his house where he lives with roommates, he doesn't have a car or a job, he has an assault charge, he has 2 kids he doesnt take care of and she is possibly supporting him and already having financial troubles and she may be on drugs. Now you are in the house taking care of your boys, getting a better relationship with them, and you served her divorce papers and you are moving on with you life. You dont see it but you have already won. E. You have already won my friend. Dont look back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Esraem, what would she have to do to make you not care ??? She's broken her marriage vows She's lied to you She's cheated on you emotionally She's cheated on you physically She's further demeaned you by sleeping with your friend She's filed for divorce from you Consider yourself fortunate, there's no ambiguity about the state of your relationship. She'd have to stab you in the heart to escalate any further. Take care of yourself and your family. When the dust settles, live well, that's the best revenge. And keep posting, lots of good advice here... Mr. Lucky Plus She's set you up for std's assuming she had hpv. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Hey Goodguy, Thanks for the pep talk. I would have been livid as well. Instead of younger, she is going much older as stated before. I know there are drugs in the house as he admitted prior that one of his sons friends stole to other sons weed. She also asked if I spoke to my lawyer as I guess she put in a petition that may not require me to go to court on Monday. I have a meeting with my lawyer on Thursday. I am curious. I know I am looking to see if I can keep my daughter from going to Michigan for visits. I do not want her there or around that guy. I would be willing to have her even visit at her grandmas place. I am not sure if I can do that or not. Auspecial - As for the HPV. Yes she did have it and it caused the pre-cervical cancer that then attributed to my situation. As she believed I was not there for her. . Unfortunately there is no test for males, though about 80% of the population that has had sex has it. Her affairs may have not given it to her as she was molested as a teenager as well, but me asking about it started the final spiral. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Hey Guys, A bit of an update. She has begun packing. Her asking for stuff has made it a bit difficult. I am just not really fighting for things. She is leaving my 50" TV lol. She picked up a book "Dinosaurs Divorce" for our daughter, so we can read it to her. She was not home this evening so it was just my daughter and I. We watched UP. Him looking at his life with his wife had me break down a bit. know I will come out of this happier. I have been out on a couple of dates with this one woman. It has been fun, but I am really not ready for it. I guess once she moves it will be easier. I also have another one messaging me as well. It shows that I am desirable. I also talked to my SIL. Her family has stated that they are more on my side since my wife has refused to talk to them and is hiding and doesnt want to hear the truth. Gives me a bit of vindication. My SIL is still warning me to be ready for her to try and return once the reality sets in. I know the hardest part will be knowing she is with the other guy. At least the last time I didnt find out until it was over. I am keeping my head up and looking to the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 E, I know this is tough. When my wife left almost 2 months ago the thought of her with him was rough. The best thing you can do keep busy and realize even though it hurts its better to get started healing now. You again will always be the champion you are there with your daughter keeping the ship steady. I can only imagine what its like having one this young, but you are her greatest asset not her mom. The bond you too will create with be incredible and your wife will hurt. Keep strong my friend you will be better without that virus in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Find a therapist for your daughter. Today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 I think I am going to use one of my sessions to have her talk to my daughter. It will be good for the both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esraem Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 Well I was tired last night so I didnt include this. I spoke with my Lawyers yesterday. A great group of down to earth guys. Had a beer and everything. I read the proposal from my wife and basically I get everything including physical custody of my daughter. Since she doesnt have a job, no child support at this time. As stated earlier, she is moving in with the OM and his two adult children. I dont like the situation and my daughters safety and wellbeing mean the most. I asked my lawyer about putting in a motion to bar my daughter from going to Michigan. He agreed that this situation is not good for her especially with the unknown, so he is going to fight for it. I am open for her to have the house for those weekends or even taking her to her Dad and Grandmas, two hours away and basically inbetween. So last night as she was talking about what she had packed, she told me she was looking to take a small box of my daughters stuff with her for when she visited. The look on her face when I told her that at this time it will not happen. She then asked about the 7 weeks in the summer and I told her to figure it out, but she is not living up there one minute. I have agreed that if another person came into my life that I will not have them over while my daughter is home. I do not believe that she needs to be subjected to that so quickly. I also do not see my wife's situation being stable at all. Am I doing the right thing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 Well I was tired last night so I didnt include this. I spoke with my Lawyers yesterday. A great group of down to earth guys. Had a beer and everything. I read the proposal from my wife and basically I get everything including physical custody of my daughter. Since she doesnt have a job, no child support at this time. As stated earlier, she is moving in with the OM and his two adult children. I dont like the situation and my daughters safety and wellbeing mean the most. I asked my lawyer about putting in a motion to bar my daughter from going to Michigan. He agreed that this situation is not good for her especially with the unknown, so he is going to fight for it. I am open for her to have the house for those weekends or even taking her to her Dad and Grandmas, two hours away and basically inbetween. So last night as she was talking about what she had packed, she told me she was looking to take a small box of my daughters stuff with her for when she visited. The look on her face when I told her that at this time it will not happen. She then asked about the 7 weeks in the summer and I told her to figure it out, but she is not living up there one minute. I have agreed that if another person came into my life that I will not have them over while my daughter is home. I do not believe that she needs to be subjected to that so quickly. I also do not see my wife's situation being stable at all. Am I doing the right thing? Yep. You, sure as shoot'in, are, indeed. Bravo! Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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