Saying goodbye in person (Updated)

[Ronnie33]

I know he cared and I know he's respecting what I asked but I also miss him and can't stop wondering if he misses me.

 

These things mess with your mind so much. I have had other break ups before and never questioned whether the feelings were real or not but these break ups are so much harder. I guess it's because you lose yourself so much in them that the though you did it all for someone who didn't care is even worse.

[Eighty_nine]

I guess this is a good reason to block them on everything, that way you don't have to know whether or not they attempted to contact you and won't have to struggle with these (very normal) feelings.

[GoldieLox]

Believe me, I'm feeling exactly what you feel. I can't even explain it to you how much I feel it. A lot to do with it is my really low self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if you put the Easter Bunny in his place... I'd probably feel the same way. Working with him is the worst. I make sure we do not see each other but it's still terrible.

[Grapesofwrath]

Ronnie: I hear you. I think one of the most unhealthy things about being the OW is that there is some deep desire in you to "win." To be chosen as the more desirable partner. We set this up for ourselves, right from the beginning. Even if, intellectually, we know that this isn't someone that we could trust in a R. that he's a cheater and a liar and so we shouldn't want him. some part of us still wants to win. So when we go NC and he doesn't beg us to reconsider, we feel that we have lost. That is some unhealthy FOO stuff right there.

[Ronnie33]

Believe me, I'm feeling exactly what you feel. I can't even explain it to you how much I feel it. A lot to do with it is my really low self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if you put the Easter Bunny in his place... I'd probably feel the same way. Working with him is the worst. I make sure we do not see each other but it's still terrible.

 

Lmaoo at the Easter Bunny

 

We met at work and that's where our EA started. I thought we were just good friends, looking back now it was so obvious. I didn't even know what EA was then. I remember when I realized what was happening and told him we couldn't be friends anymore. He was so upset and seeing him at work everyday was torture. It didn't last and once I left is when it turned into a full blown affair.

 

If I had to see him everyday at work again I would lose my mind. Then I get upset and think that if I still worked there things probably would have worked out between us. Who knows.

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie: I hear you. I think one of the most unhealthy things about being the OW is that there is some deep desire in you to "win." To be chosen as the more desirable partner. We set this up for ourselves, right from the beginning. Even if, intellectually, we know that this isn't someone that we could trust in a R. that he's a cheater and a liar and so we shouldn't want him. some part of us still wants to win. So when we go NC and he doesn't beg us to reconsider, we feel that we have lost. That is some unhealthy FOO stuff right there.

 

You are totally right. It's like I feel she won and she gets to spend her life with this great guy that everyone loves. Meanwhile he's been cheating on her since almost day one and if I was on the outside looking in I would think he's a total pos.

 

I miss him as my friend, there is a huge void there now. I just wonder I guess if he feels it too.

[Friskyone4u]

Ronnie,

 

Not trying to be a smart ass but I think you are doing too much analyzing. And guess what. Every time you start thinking about what if's and why's who are you thinking about??? Your AP.

You don't work with him, you don't have to see him every day, and you are only a prisoner to this as long as you keep telling yourself how hard it is and feeling pity for yourself.

People get told every day they have terminal illnesses and they manage to stay upbeat. You were having a relationship with a married man who was not yours, and you finally had the sense to end it.

Congratulate yourself for that. Most things worthwhile in this life are NOT easy, and neither will this be.

It doesn't matter why he is not trying to contact you. What mattersi s that you do not respond if he does.

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie,

 

Not trying to be a smart ass but I think you are doing too much analyzing. And guess what. Every time you start thinking about what if's and why's who are you thinking about??? Your AP.

You don't work with him, you don't have to see him every day, and you are only a prisoner to this as long as you keep telling yourself how hard it is and feeling pity for yourself.

People get told every day they have terminal illnesses and they manage to stay upbeat. You were having a relationship with a married man who was not yours, and you finally had the sense to end it.

Congratulate yourself for that. Most things worthwhile in this life are NOT easy, and neither will this be.

It doesn't matter why he is not trying to contact you. What mattersi s that you do not respond if he does.

 

You are totally right and that's why I come here when I need a wake up call

 

Thank you:)

 

PS. I was married:(

[minimariah]

Wit this situation if you ask for NC and they don't contact you feel like crap even though you know it's for the best, if the tend it you feel like crap even though you know it's for the best.

 

i can't speak from an A point of view but you know... i found myself thinking the same thing during my breakup. when you're in a relationship, it's all great and you SEE & FEEL the emotions. when you go NC you like how he respects your wishes but on the other hand you're thinking "why are you not contacting me?!???" even though that's exactly what you told him you want. LOL.

 

he's probably staying NC because you asked him to and he is probably over there thinking the same as you - how can you go without talking to me? how can you resist?

 

love is silly.

[Ronnie33]

i can't speak from an A point of view but you know... i found myself thinking the same thing during my breakup. when you're in a relationship, it's all great and you SEE & FEEL the emotions. when you go NC you like how he respects your wishes but on the other hand you're thinking "why are you not contacting me?!???" even though that's exactly what you told him you want. LOL.

 

he's probably staying NC because you asked him to and he is probably over there thinking the same as you - how can you go without talking to me? how can you resist?

 

love is silly.

 

We always told eachother that when one of us ended it we would respect it. He has never asked for NC. I did once before this and went two months and went back. When we met he said he missed me and though about me all the time. I said "why didn't you call?" He said "I was respecting what you wanted"

[minimariah]

We always told eachother that when one of us ended it we would respect it. He has never asked for NC. I did once before this and went two months and went back. When we met he said he missed me and though about me all the time. I said "why didn't you call?" He said "I was respecting what you wanted"

 

LOL! it's funny and kinda sad at the same time... when the mind & the heart are that conflicted. it's like... you KNOW you need to stay NC and you know it's for the best and you both know it... but your heart is dying to hear just a word from him as some kind of confirmation that he still cares.

 

but then when he does that, you're like "OMG look at him giving me breadcrumbs and not being respectful, if he really loved him he woulda let me go!" it's never easy. not ever.

 

mind VS heart and time will show who'll win.

[Blu72]

Ronnie -

 

Unfortunately men don't think or feel the same way we do in these type situations. If they did, communication would be so much easier and we wouldn't over analyze everything. I think in your situation he is respecting your wishes by staying NC. Try and see it that way. You asked him to let you go - he is respecting your boundaries. If he contacted you, sure it might make you feel better in that fleeting moment but nothing would have changed. Stay strong!

[Cali408]

Of course he misses you. Do you think he could forget you?

 

You have to stop playing the mind games of rejection because he's not chasing you. This is nothing but an ego mind phuc. You told him no more contact, he's trying to get over you and abide by your wishes. You can't have it both ways.

 

No contact is for you. Instead of feeling your self esteem is low, for every day you make it, your self esteem is rising because you're closer to healing.

[Ronnie33]

Of course he misses you. Do you think he could forget you?

 

You have to stop playing the mind games of rejection because he's not chasing you. This is nothing but an ego mind phuc. You told him no more contact, he's trying to get over you and abide by your wishes. You can't have it both ways.

 

No contact is for you. Instead of feeling your self esteem is low, for every day you make it, your self esteem is rising because you're closer to healing.

 

I know how he feels about me and I know I'm the one who asked him to stay away and I kept telling myself that. It's so ridiculous what the mind does to a person. You are right, I can't have it both ways and this is the only way.

 

If only the heart and mind could be on the same page.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Blu72]

I know how he feels about me and I know I'm the one who asked him to stay away and I kept telling myself that. It's so ridiculous what the mind does to a person. You are right, I can't have it both ways and this is the only way.

 

If only the heart and mind could be on the same page.

 

The heart and mind always are at odds in these situations. It's so hard..but you are doing what's best for you and I'm proud of you. Just keep telling yourself you will get to that place of peace in your heart over this..you will get there.

[Rainbowlove]

It feels like you'll never get to that place of feeling free of them and whole again.

 

I remember that was so hard to deal with. Thinking the aching for her would always be with me.

 

It's not.

 

Healing happens. That's the good news.

 

The bad news is it takes a hell of a long time and a lot of work.

 

Keep processing your thoughts and feelings. Eventually, you'll get to a place where you are just sick of feeling like crap over it and analyzing it.

 

And little by little you'll begin to notice you're living fully again.

 

Hang in there and stay NC.

[Southern Sun]

It's funny, I am now seeing this from the complete opposite perspective.

 

When xMM broke NC recently, instead of feeling loved and validated, I felt disrespected. I felt angry. Maybe not in the immediate moment, but very soon after. I wanted to ask him, what's changed? Oh, that's right, nothing. So you're here, seeking for self, not caring about my feelings, YET AGAIN.

 

I have now built the walls around me and my family higher. I don't want him to have power over me anymore.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Southern Sun

[Ronnie33]

It's funny, I am now seeing this from the complete opposite perspective.

 

When xMM broke NC recently, instead of feeling loved and validated, I felt disrespected. I felt angry. Maybe not in the immediate moment, but very soon after. I wanted to ask him, what's changed? Oh, that's right, nothing. So you're here, seeking for self, not caring about my feelings, YET AGAIN.

 

I have now built the walls around me and my family higher. I don't want him to have power over me anymore.

 

I think it's going to take me awhile to get there but I also know if he contacted me it would be hard to not respond to him so I know this is for the best.

[Ronnie33]

It feels like you'll never get to that place of feeling free of them and whole again.

 

I remember that was so hard to deal with. Thinking the aching for her would always be with me.

 

It's not.

 

Healing happens. That's the good news.

 

The bad news is it takes a hell of a long time and a lot of work.

 

Keep processing your thoughts and feelings. Eventually, you'll get to a place where you are just sick of feeling like crap over it and analyzing it.

 

And little by little you'll begin to notice you're living fully again.

 

Hang in there and stay NC.

 

Rainbow

 

Everytime I start to analyze I don't make myself stop because I know it's what I have to do to work it out in my head. I remember breaking up with an ex years ago and going over every detail in my head for weeks before I finally stopped.

 

I want to heal so badly but I know I have along way to go.

 

Thank You

Edited April 14, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Grapesofwrath]

Everyone heals in their own way. If analyzing works for you, then do it. If journaling works for you, then do it. If shutting the door on the whole thing works for you, then do it. Whatever works for you, do it. I like to read, journal, and process the issues in my mind. I chew and chew and chew until it's fully digested.

 

Then, as Rainbow says, one day I wake up and realize that I'm sick of thinking about it and I let it go.

[Kbomb]

I'm am going through the same thing! Totally over analyzing every single thing!

 

But for me, I was the one that was dumped and I think that makes it much harder.

 

IDK if its true but I do believe it takes men a little bit longer than woman to deal with the emotions of a breakup because men are used to pushing their feelings aside. But eventually they will surface. Thats when you may or may not hear from him.

 

But NC is good! It really helps alot!

[autumnnight]

Ronnie, I know our situations are not the same, but I wanted to give a cyber hug. You posted your first stuff about the time my relationship blew up because he disappeared and found someone else, and I could FEEL your pain like mine.

 

It sucks like nothing else on earth, but stay strong. I let myself respond and commiserate sentimentally, and now it feels like I am behind square one. It's WORSE than it was before.

 

Try to stay busy, stay occupied, be with friends, and every day you go without contact is another day closer to peace. I may not be an OW, but I know the pain of endings, and I wish you peace.

[Southern Sun]

I think it's going to take me awhile to get there but I also know if he contacted me it would be hard to not respond to him so I know this is for the best.

 

Believe me, I haven't always been 'here'. I have been through hell and back but am determined not to go backwards. I have read so many stories here and know without a doubt I don't want to be in this same place in another 3, 5, 10 years or more. I see how it can happen. In fact, that's one thing that helps me. I don't want to waste another day, another moment.

 

I've been through all the stages too. You can do it. Day by day.

[jwi71]

Why is it that when we are in the affair we are so sure of our AP feelings, then when it ends we think they never cared? I asked for NC and plan to stick with it but it's been more then a week and my mind is saying "if he missed you he would contact you".

 

 

Wit this situation if you ask for NC and they don't contact you feel like crap even though you know it's for the best, if the tend it you feel like crap even though you know it's for the best.

 

I had to vent because I'm so tired of analyzing this crap!!

 

You will find not validation of yourself through the eyes of another.

 

Get to a place where you believe you are worth it. Then this question NEVER appears again.

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm really impressed with your resolve. I met with MM last night to say good-bye, and I totally caved in. He walked in the door, swooped me up in his arms, and hugged me for a really long time. I could tell right then it was going to be a big mistake to do it in person. Once he started talking, explaining himself, answering my questions, and telling me how he feels about me, I was right back in there. The smell of the person, their skin, all those sensory memories just mess with your mind. I think NC is going to be my only way out.