Saying goodbye in person (Updated)

[Lurkeraspect]

I respect your opinion but there really is so much more to it then that. He was using me as much as I was using him but there was a real friendship there before the affair started. This affair was a first for both us. I'm not saying he's not wrong for cheating on his gf but I'm wrong too.

 

I'm out now and the only thing I want is to get past this.

 

I wasn't giving you a pass, just not beating you up as I think you probably do that to yourself already. And I'm sure there was friendship and all that. Truth is, if he wanted more than a fling with you, he wouldn't be getting engaged to his unsuspecting girlfriend.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you've gained some insight and realize that it's over. Wishing you strength.

[Ronnie33]

I wasn't giving you a pass, just not beating you up as I think you probably do that to yourself already. And I'm sure there was friendship and all that. Truth is, if he wanted more than a fling with you, he wouldn't be getting engaged to his unsuspecting girlfriend.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you've gained some insight and realize that it's over. Wishing you strength.

 

And that reality is what has finally pushed me to end it.

 

Thank You.

[Blu72]

Ronnie -

Did you get the closure from seeing him or do you think it made it worse? I hope you are hanging in there. Stay strong - thinking of you.

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie -

Did you get the closure from seeing him or do you think it made it worse? I hope you are hanging in there. Stay strong - thinking of you.

 

Blu,

 

I don't think it made it worse or better but I don't regret it. Im

just trying to prepare myself for what's to come because I know it's going to be hard but I keep telling myself it's the only way to move on.

 

Thank you

[Ronnie33]

Week one of NC. Yesterday I was ok and today not as good but I just keep telling myself he's engaged in two weeks and that's it.

 

I went on FB and saw one of my old coworkers posted a pic of her and some of my ex coworkers at work. It triggered me so bad because it was where we met and he still works. I know he's there right now and normally during this times he would be texting me.

 

Then it hit me again that I will never talk to him again. I told him to never text me again because we had to move on.

 

Just like that the finality hit me again and I was struck with such heartbreak.

 

I won't go back and I can't but I feel like this is just the beginning of the pain I'm about to endure as I realize this is it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Ronnie: In situations like this, I think it helps not to think of "never" or "forever." At least for me, it's easier if I just say, "I'm not going to hear from him today." Just today. then tomorrow I say the same thing to myself. And then keep on saying that until one day I don't say it anymore because I don't care anymore whether I hear from him or not.

[Cali408]

You'll have lots of reminders. Just confront them head-on. You'll hear songs, see places that will harken back to the affair days of yore.

 

Good job on week 1. Constantly remind yourself that, he's cheating on his soon to be fiancee. He should be in the honeymoon phase with her. If he loved you enough, he'd break up with her and be with you.

 

I would stay off Facebook/Twitter for a while.

[Ronnie33]

I know you are right but I know him and if I tell him not to text me he won't. He respects it when I tell him I need time. This time I know I can't go back and that's why I say it's forever.

[Cali408]

You also need to take him off the pedestal. "He respects me, he's a great guy..."

 

In the affair bubble, he treated you great, but step back and look at it logically outside the bubble.

 

He's cheater and if you didn't end it, he'd be going into a new marriage without the best intentions. Not so great anymore, right?

 

Focus on that, it will help your mind.

 

Although you say "I can't go back." your attitude should be "Why the heck would i ever go back?" The second attitude raises your self esteem because you're in control.

[Ronnie33]

Why the heck would I ever go back.....I love that. I'm going to keep telling myself that until I start to feel it.

 

You are right, he isn't perfect and the sooner I see that the sooner that the sooner I move on.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Rainbow00]

Keep on with the NC Ronnie! I know how difficult it is, and even now I'm 1.5 months NC (with one blip in there) and the "finality" of it scares me. It makes my heart drop even now. But I know it's for the best, and I think logically you do too. It's hard for us to make ourselves understand it emotionally, but just take it one day at a time. I'm thinking of you...

[GoldieLox]

I have no words of wisdom for you because I'm at 7 weeks and struggling myself, but hang in there. It will be worth it in the end.

[Ronnie33]

I just keep telling myself that everyday I make it thru NC is a day closer to acceptance.

[lookingforclosure]

I feel the same...4/12 will be 90 days since I have heard from xMM. I never thought I would survive the month "hold" he put me on, let alone 3 months.

 

 

I know this is for the best...it hurts like hell and I've found myself in a very dark place at times, even wishing not to wake up in the morning because the pain seemed to take over my entire being. I still struggle in the mornings to get up, I just feel so empty. I allowed another person to be in charge of my own happiness. Waiting for the call from him on my way to work, texting and meeting for lunch...then the call on the way home, and then texting before bed. I too knew so much about his life and he helped me make decisions on things I should've never even involved him in, because he had a family and life elsewhere. It was such a routine...and i'm now trying to get out of routines so to speak.

 

 

I saw him again on the road this afternoon...he didn't see me, I was a couple cars behind him leaving work. I know eventually I will run into him face to face at a store or gas station by work. I hope I can keep it together..i don't think I will cry so much as to want to punch him out, lol

[m4p]

Ronnie, there is so many of us here struggling with NC and the finality of it... It's not a blessing but I think it really helps to know that we all understand how hard is it. I'm almost 2 months past D-Day and not sure how long NC. Maybe 1 month? It's been hell. But I feel myself getting slightly better day by day. Sometimes I wake up and go back to square 1 with the feeling of hopelessness and painful longing for him. That sucks so bad but I can only learn to ride it out.

 

I agree with taking our xAP off the pedestal. We tend to focus too much on the good and forgive too easily.

Doing that helped me to accept that the A is really over. When D-Day happened, I still had this mindset that xMM is a wonderful, loving, caring person and that we are forced to be apart because we got found out and he doesn't want to hurt his W anymore. But now I am starting to realise how selfish of a person he was. It takes 2 hands to clap but I was hotly pursued right from the start. During the A he was every bit my best friend and lover but everything was done on his terms (his timings, his schedule, his mood). He took and took and I gave and gave willingly. When we got found out , he scrambled to placate his W and save his M. There is no hesitation for any other options. I won't say that he is not in pain by breaking up with me, he was very very troubled by how to cause less hurt to me. But that will never be enough for me anymore. (his W doesn't know about the full extent of the A, only that he lied about his whereabouts but it was enough to kick him out and made him feel extreme guilt+remorse)

 

Truly reflecting on these gave me anger (be it reasonable or not) and it really helped to give me strength to get past the feeling that I'm missing out by not being able to be with him. Nobody should ever make me feel this way. We are not missing out on anything if it means being the on the sideline of someone else's marriage. Never again! God this is making me cry.

 

Stay strong *hugs*

 

Sorry for the long post

Edited April 8, 2015 by m4p
Content added

[HappyAgain2014]

 

Now I have to find ways to fill my time. Our problem is how used we are to texting all day. I need a new routine and to stop telling myself that this I lost the perfect man for me.

 

I just want to move on and be strong. I keep asking myself why didn't he pick me and why wasn't I good enough but I have to stop. I have to focus on me and my life.

 

At some point, you'll meet someone you text about your day and go home to. Then you'll see how dysfunctional the affair was for you. Living in potential future mode suspends reality and really does a number on your head.

 

What matters is that you picked you because you're good enough to know you deserve more. I thought I would never recover from the loss of my AP. I did. The more time goes by, the more I can't believe I thought that was love. It was the biggest weight I ever heaved off my shoulders when I ended it.

 

Now, it's my biggest regret and shame. It wasn't perfect and clearly he wasn't either. Now I spent the day texting my husband who does share his life with me, only me. We don't talk about the future, we plan it. We live. It's that simple.

[GoldieLox]

m4p... I just wanted to say thank you for that incredible post. I do have the moments of clarity that you speak of... they are rare, but they do shine through. I hope I can get to the point that you are at one day, as you seem to exude such strength.

[lookingforclosure]

I have days of clarity...days I know he doesn't care about me anymore, and probably never really did. Actions speak louder than words.

I also have days of longing for him to call...wishing this was all a bad dream.

Then I have days filled with anger and want to hurt him as bad as he has me

And then...then I have the days where I feel constant jealously that she won...absurd yes, but I can't help the rush of feelings.

I hate this...I hate I ever crossed the line...I should've backed out when he invited me out of town, then the PA would've maybe never started.

 

Then i have days where I wonder...does he even care how much I hurt? Is he that cold hearted of a person??

 

But one thing that is clearer to me as the weeks go on...his W and family didn't deserve any of this. He's minimized the A i'm sure...can't have his flawless image take a hit...but she is a woman and she still knows. I am sorry I lied to her and hurt her...won't be able to tell her so I figured I would post it here

[m4p]

m4p... I just wanted to say thank you for that incredible post. I do have the moments of clarity that you speak of... they are rare, but they do shine through. I hope I can get to the point that you are at one day, as you seem to exude such strength.

 

Goldie, you are so very welcomed! Oh trust me it is taking me so much just to come to this. Even so I'm far, far from healed. I'm anticipating some break of resolves to come in the future, but I really hope I won't. The A really affected me so much. So close to destroying my life. Even today I am feeling extra in pain. He's like a fog in my mind that I can't seem to walk out of. But I am healing and so can you..

 

Also, I had horrible days (see previous thread started) where I simply wanted to go out and just be with anyone who wants me. Thank god I didn't.

 

So Goldie you can do it too! One day at a time. Resist the urge and ultimately you will know it yourself that you can't afford to waste anymore time on someone who just isn't there beside you now. No more in betweens or making excuses for them. It won't make things better. Just makes reality even harder to accept.

 

I feel so much for everyone going through this now. Maybe I'm PMS-Ing or what but am just feeling extra melancholy this week... Don't know how to go on but there is really no other way..... :')

[m4p]

I have days of clarity...days I know he doesn't care about me anymore, and probably never really did. Actions speak louder than words.

I also have days of longing for him to call...wishing this was all a bad dream.

Then I have days filled with anger and want to hurt him as bad as he has me

And then...then I have the days where I feel constant jealously that she won...absurd yes, but I can't help the rush of feelings.

I hate this...I hate I ever crossed the line...I should've backed out when he invited me out of town, then the PA would've maybe never started.

 

Then i have days where I wonder...does he even care how much I hurt? Is he that cold hearted of a person??

 

But one thing that is clearer to me as the weeks go on...his W and family didn't deserve any of this. He's minimized the A i'm sure...can't have his flawless image take a hit...but she is a woman and she still knows. I am sorry I lied to her and hurt her...won't be able to tell her so I figured I would post it here

 

Your days all compounded into my "today".... Felt ALL of the above today. Acceptance... Indifference... Desperation... Longing.. Anger... Disgust... Haha. It's ridiculous how one can feel so many things at once.

 

My xMM downplayed the entire A too. I just feel sick remembering how panicked he was when he got caught lying. I was like "Am I actually worth anything in your eyes?!". It's better to feel anger with a bruised ego than feeling inadequate/worthless. I admit that I can't let it go sometimes because I felt like I "lost" to her. I hate that feeling.

 

He's no longer your responsibility so they will just have to deal with their M no matter what outcome is it. You deserve your own happiness. Hang in there!

[sandylee1]

being the on the sideline of someone else's marriage. Never again!

 

 

Mp4,

 

I think you nailed it with this. Surely everyone deserves better than being a sideline. Well said.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Did anyone else ever meet for their final goodbye at the end and do you think it made it worse or better to say goodbye in person?

 

He text me asking me to him tomorrow to at least say goodbye in person. I agreed to meet him in a public place for an hour at lunch. He doesn't understand why we have to cut all contact but says he at least wants a face to face after two years.

 

My best friend thinks it's a good idea for me to move on.

 

Did this help anyone?

 

Yes and no.

 

Some people want to be with each other, and it might even be a better relationship than the one they're in (the failing marriage).

 

I think if you have two people who can resolve their feelings by meeting, then yes it would make sense. But everything, in my opinion that needs to be said, needs to be said. It shouldn't be dramatic just, "We had our time together, and now I have to leave: that's all folks"

 

A shorter version is to remember this mantra by Gary Webb:

 

"Don't look for me

Don't call my name

Don't wait for time

Don't wait for love

 

No long goodbyes"

 

When it's over, there is nothing that should be said anyway, as nothing changes.

[snl]

I can imagine how you feel but am proud of you. My exmw always wanted to still keep in touch and it always ended up in pain for me. Stay strong.stay away. What comes next is a long journey with lots of bumps on the road and you will come stronger out of it one day. Just don't fall back even if he tries. And the true closure will come from inside you. I did survive this (despite all suffering) and so can you. If needed seek for a therapist. It helped me a lot during the pain and void after Dday

[Ronnie33]

Why is it that when we are in the affair we are so sure of our AP feelings, then when it ends we think they never cared? I asked for NC and plan to stick with it but it's been more then a week and my mind is saying "if he missed you he would contact you".

 

 

Wit this situation if you ask for NC and they don't contact you feel like crap even though you know it's for the best, if the tend it you feel like crap even though you know it's for the best.

 

I had to vent because I'm so tired of analyzing this crap!!

[GoldieLox]

It could be because they really don't care and don't miss you. It could be because they are trying to be somewhat decent and are actually respecting your wishes. It could be because they do miss you but they know it's for the best because the whole situation was just a sh&tshow to begin with, and there's marriages, kids, careers, fill-in-the-blank on the line.

 

I know it kills our self esteem, but analyzing over and over won't make answers fall down from the heavens above. It will only give you a headache. Believe me, I've had one for 2 months.