The Passion Delusion

[Leigh 87]

How do you KNOW though, you just told us that the guy who picked you up in the car and the guy you just met from OLD have all the "spine tingling traits" and you don't even KNOW the guys at all yet, you are just feeling the hots for them and I imagine they wouldn't throw you out of bed either but what else do you have to go on, NOTHING. You kind of sound like girls in 6th grade, no offense but to me you do!! Anyway I am done arguing with you, I wish you the best! Just have some respect for those of us who have what we want and are actually LIVING It right now!!

 

I could also be living in the type of relationships you guys all have - very compatible partners, good sex. I choose to hold out for explosive sex. Because I know couples who ended up with THAT person.......

 

I am never settling for a partner where I look back and think " you know, I had slightly hotter sex with THAT OTHER Guy, but none of the guys I had the most sizzle with wanted to date me" I truly know couples who are married to spouses, who don't have any PRIOR partners that they had BETTER sex with.....Where as I find most people CAN look back and pinpoint partners they DID Have better chemistry and sex with than their husband or wife.

 

And I never said anything about those guys beyond " I am enjoying getting to know men who don't seem like players".I don't know them nor do I know anything about them at this stage nor did I claim to.....

[Leigh 87]

Yes but your idea of "great chemistry" is not like other peoples and one thing for sure, ask all the guys here, just because he wants to get in your pants at first has little or nothing to do with whether he has any interest or intention of sticking with you for more than a few days. You talk a lot about how you "turned down relationships" well that is not really how it works, yes you can say NO but if you say YES then the two people have to actually be compatible, companionable, have stuff in common, etc. Nobody is going to want to continue ripping off your clothes no matter how hot you think you are if you are not who they want to spend much time with. You are just completely glossing over that part, that is the REAL part that lasts through all kinds of things in life.

 

 

 

Sigh.

 

Yes I am aware you need great compatibility with passion.

 

You aren't telling me things I don't already know.

 

I want the WHOLE package; intense chemistry AND great compatibility.

[Weezy1973]

My brain wiring is different, I am the genetic freak who can stay limerent long term into a relationship. Most people lose those in love feelings; I never did for one guy years later.

 

When was this relationship exactly Leigh? I asked you this already and you ignored it:

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leigh 87 View Post

Two years. Was the longest passion based relationship. He wanted to stay with me. But i ended it because he wasn't ambitious enough and we had different goals in life.

 

I feel passion and sparks for a decent number of men so I have every hope of finding it again.

When was this 2 year relationship - you said you've only had two long relationships since you were 24 and I think these are them:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leigh 87 View Post

I dated two guys I felt mediocre passion for. One lasted 2.5 years and one 10 months...

 

I didn't ever get really into making out with them.

 

I didn't yearn to make out. At any stage of the relationship.

 

I was attracted to them enough to have good ish sex but it was never great.

Those aren't the the passion fueled one I'm guessing...

[Leigh 87]

I as 18 - 20.

 

We weren't compatible and all we had going for us was intense chemistry.

 

Never again.

 

I need both things.

 

It isn't in my blood to ever be satisfied with LESS chemistry, so all I need is the compatibility.

[clia]

I could also be living in the type of relationships you guys all have - very compatible partners, good sex. I choose to hold out for explosive sex. Because I know couples who ended up with THAT person.......

 

Wait, what? Are you talking about passion or explosive sex? Two very different things. Also different from being "in love." Also different from "chemistry."

 

Maybe you can explain to us what exactly you feel when you feel "fireworks"? (Your word.) Because I feel like there is massive miscommunication going on here, especially since you are finding fireworks on pretty much a daily basis.

 

And I still maintain that you are completely misinterpreting what Katz is saying. Have you read more than one post on his blog?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Wait, what? Are you talking about passion or explosive sex? Two very different things. Also different from being "in love." Also different from "chemistry."

 

From reading all this I think I understand, Leigh just wants to feel really super horny and hot for a guy in order to have sex with him and somehow she is getting that mixed up with dating and beginning a relationship. I expect she will either learn or just spend her years having sex with a string of horny men.

[Diezel]

You are delusional if you feel that you're happier than me simple because you have a partner.

 

It is a really sad way of thinking.

 

I am happier with or without a partner. I'm not Ponce de Leon looking for the Fountain of Youth. And those friends of yours in your 30's, talk to them again in about 20 years, see what their opinion is.

 

It's funny, because in all of your threads, you've only ever spoken about this ONE pair of friends whose relationship you envy, and now you have a whole gaggle of friends in relationships that have this thing that you seek? Yeah, don't buy it.

 

I could also be living in the type of relationships you guys all have - very compatible partners, good sex.

 

Here's the deal. Your way, is not the only way. You know those fireworks you talk about? It's called "LUST". The fact that you can even have the GALL to say that your friends are happier than anyone else here, just shows every other poster how delusional you are. You can't measure your friends' relationships with strangers on the internet because first of all, you know how people post on Facebook about how HAPPY THEY ARE and how much they love the person they are with... that's probably what your "friends" are doing when they tell you about their relationships. I have no reason to lie when I am talking about my relationship...

 

Case in point: It took us about a year to warm up to each other, before we realized we'd make a really good match.

 

I have an EXTREMELY compatible partner.

We have EXTREMELY good sex.

 

There goes your theory. If I had a mic, I'd drop it right now and walk away.

[Babs22]

Leigh 87,

I don't think there is anything wrong with holding out for the whole package. I think why you differ from other women is that marriage and kids are not a priority. For most women, it seems that it is; therefore, they need to do what the author of that book suggested. look for the provider, the good guy and let love grow eventually. Unfortunately, I feel like this site is full of people who do not click sexually and either one of them or both of them are unhappy. So many guys and some girls talking about the fact that the person they married did not have the same sexual drives and so their needs were not being met. Some of those posters stated that originally the person did have wild and crazy sex only to have that turn off the minute they got married.

 

I have a close friend that I have known for years. She met her husband when she was 20 years old at a dance club and she told her friend that night, "I'm going to marry that man." She obviously felt an instant spark. They have been married over 20 years and for most of that time have sex every day. They are very compatible, still very in love and she states that he is her best friend. Since I am around both of them a lot, I can attest to the fact that they have an amazing relationship and are very happy. It does happen and does exist.

 

I did not feel an instant spark for my husband. We didn't even kiss until we had dated for two weeks. He was a good person, smart, a great provider. We had some things in common, but looking back, probably not enough. We dated for 8 years before getting married. Sex was good, never totally hot, but it was good. We have been married 20 years. I wish I would have found someone more compatible. I wish I had found someone who made me laugh a lot. He never did do that, he is an introvert and is more like Spock than anyone I know. He never told me he loved me and he never made me feel that loved. I passed up the chance for all of that and I don't know why. In talking about our relationship recently, he admitted, maybe he didn't fall in love with me at first, but he grew to love me. So, it sounds like we both settled. He is ok, with staying in a comfortable, familiar relationship. Mostly I think he thinks it would be hard to find another companion. I am not happy with my current state. I so wish I had found someone that I was attracted to right off the bat, and who made me Laugh. Those things are important. When you find the right guy, you might notice that you have changed mind about marriage.

 

Good luck!

[autumnnight]

I am going to say this as gently as I can. No one who is in their 20's whose longest relationship has lasted 2 years can say they are capable of staying in limerance indefinitely.

 

Talk to me in 20 years.

 

A lot of this will be resolved with a bit of maturity.

[SerCay]

Leigh, The thing is that as all the neuroscience I have read on this is that chemistry never last.

 

.

 

In the long haul a couple needs compatibility.

 

All the couples I know who lasted LONG I mean 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years had basic compatibility. That means shared values, shared goals, similar interest, similar education.

 

True story.

 

Like you OP, I go for chemistry, I tried dating "the perfect guy" without feeling a vrey strong chemistry, and I just cannot get myself to it. My friends were the ones who urged me to do so, because acoording to them, that's the way they found their marriage materials. Most of the friends who told me this are happily married and have kids.

 

However, it works different for everyone. I too am looking out for the person whom I have the chemistry with AND the compatibility. Or at least someone who is willing to work on becoming compatible with each other after the chemistry has faded, cause that's what I am like.

 

My ex was the one I had the maddest chemistry with. We both agreed that the sex we had together, was the best we ever had. The friendship and humor we shared, best we ever had. The connection we had, deepest we ever had and will have. BUT we didn't last a day longer than 4 years. With ocassional break ups of a month.

 

Chemistry is not enough, I believe like-mindedness is very important. You can become compatible, but you have to be like-minded to work on it equally hard.