The Passion Delusion

[Leigh 87]

True, but I'm not the one posting thread after thread after thread inquiring about "fireworks" and "chemistry", ad nauseum.

 

If you are so set in your ways, why are you constantly seeking validation for your line of thinking?

 

We get it, you need intense chemistry. You've made your point. So why disguise every single thread you create with the same thing over and over? Sounds like one of two things: Doubt or Validation Seeking.

 

I'm all for you wanting to do things your way, but as soon as you ask people for opinions about it, you get defensive and dismissive. But, you don't see this. You just want to see your bubble.

 

 

 

I honestly believe seeking the partners you're the most passionate about is a fine way to go about things.

 

I also believe some women like a challenge and therefore go for men who aren't good for us at times.

 

Fortunately, I saw ways around it. I find nerdy guys to be a challenge and with the current guy I am finding that I am feeling the same sense of a challenge with him as I did with the unavailable men.

 

I'm actually learning the right way of going about things as opposed to falling into bad habits.

 

Now I will definitely seek the hyper intelligent needs out since they evoke the same thrill of. Challenge as the players but in a healthier way.

 

It is all about having realistic expectations. There's nothing realistic about wanting a relationship with a player so I have now found a type of man who evokes the same passion and sense of a challenge.

 

I'm really enjoying this guy and absolutely love the intense chemistry. If it doesn't work I will still have had a blast.

 

Again it feels a heck of a lot more right than when I tried to give that last boy a chance whhe I felt mediocre chemistry yet he was so into me without any doubt and he wasn't a nerd so he couldn't stimulate me in anyway that installs that sense of fire.

 

So yeah. I'm enjoying this intense chemistry so much more than that quieter, meh, chemistry.

 

Really happy with the latest guy and look forward to exploring more fireworks guys if this guy doesn't pan out.

[Leigh 87]

All I'm preaching is that holding out for intense chemistry and the men who we actually want can be realistic in some instances.....

 

I wish I'd known this year's ago so I didn't settle for mediocre chemistry.

 

I'm showing women there are wrong and right ways to go about t it though. Such as recognising you're going for the wrong type and identifying ways to feel passionately about the right types of men....

 

I've always been open to a diverse range of looks and now I've discovered that nerdy men really light my fire so I'm really progressing and making my goal of intense chemistry with the right man, realistic.

 

I'd like to see women who yearn for intense and passion chemistry to be able to get it and to overcome obstacles rather than listen to Evan Marc Katz who purports that you just won't find a passionate relationship with the most compatible partner.

 

I'm offing up an alternative pathway to that of Evans. I believe and know in my heart that it's entirely possible to make changes that will make seeking intense chemistry realistic......

[Rejected Rosebud]

All I'm preaching is that holding out for intense chemistry and the men who we actually want can be realistic in some instances.....

But Leigh you hold out for NOTHING, you have "fireworks" or whatever about a million times a week!!! I do want to tell you completely seriously that getting in a car with a stranger and immediately talking with him about how hot you both think you are and how he "prefers" you to his girlfriend is completely bizarre social behavior dangerous and just ... :eek: I am concerned that you seem to have no clue about how to act and sooner or later something really bad might happen to you!!! I honestly think you need some guidelines about boundaries and safety, the rest of the world is NOT functioning the way you think it is, do you have someone you can talk to like a professional?

[losangelena]

I'm showing women there are wrong and right ways to go about t it though. Such as recognising you're going for the wrong type and identifying ways to feel passionately about the right types of men

 

So, you say that not everyone has to find love Diezel's way, but you're here to tell women that there's a right and wrong way to go about dating?

 

Riiiiiight.

[Leigh 87]

So, you say that not everyone has to find love Diezel's way, but you're here to tell women that there's a right and wrong

 

I strongly believe there are ways to have it all. Great chemistry and optimal compatibility. I've personally devised ways in which I can better go about realistically finding it.

 

You write about how you think you can do better than your boyfriend. How you weren't that into him. How you don't fully trust that he's crazy about you necessarily.

I know plenty of people who were both crazy about one another from date two or three, had red hot chemistry and also optimal compatibility. Sorry but yes these women I know who found intense chemistry and optimal compatibility have way more blissful sounding relationships than yours.......

 

I certainly know which type of relationship I'd choose. Intense chemistry AND compatibility...... All the way. With a man who's crazy about me and knew early on and didn't have to warm up to being into me.

 

How can you get better than landing a partner who you not only feel the most passionate about in the bedroom, but is also the person you can't stop laughing with?

 

My friends who had intense chemistry chemistry with highly compatible men were just over the moon for the first few years! Totally giddy with excitement about THEIR guys, who were not only head over heels for them but these girls I know of were also totally feeling high with euphoria. It was such a beautiful thing to witness. Seeing two people totally crazy for one another was just...wonderful. They had that magnetic pull and teenager lust AND they were just al compatible. Always laughing, always telling me how lucky they felt to have a partner who they were so happy with.

 

So yes I believe the friends I have who got the intense chemistry AND compatibility have way more blissful relationships that what you're currently having. They picked highly compatible men who also made them week at the knees. Besides one or two arguments in years together they are still super passionate in the bedroom ( my friends and I always know exactly what's going on in one another love lives)

I can't see a better alternative than getting intense chemistry, that FEELING you wither have or you don't, with a man you're crazy about and who's also nuts about you right back

 

For example, I enjoy a challenge so I was attracted to players and men I couldn't have. And I would rather have a relationship one day as opposed to just casual flings, so I re adjusted the way I did things. I identified ways I could feel a challenge, without being interested in the wrong men..... Going for super intelligent men has proven to be my kryptonite.

 

I never said I think some should adopt my approach. I'd like to provide support for women who DON'T enjoy dating men they are just not that into who who aren't crazy about them.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I talk to a lot of people in relationships.

 

Ones that started out with intense chemistry both still make out, hold hands and they tell me that through the mundane times they both draw from the memories of their passionate beginning.

 

All couples swear that they find it key that they went through that very intense chemistry phase because that is what they draw from to easily ignite a spark back. And it works. They dint really have to go about spicing things up...remembering the intense attraction they both felt towards one another that was NATUAL and powerful, seems to be enough of a driving force to inject sizzle in the bedroom.

 

The couples I know of who all decided that chemistry wasn't important are all unhappy besides one lady I know who has a low sex drive and never needed passion.

 

Men endlessly crack onto me because they admit they settled for women with whom they didn't feel hot chemistry for and now they're yearning for a woman they can feel passionately about.

 

I just know a lot of couple and know which type of relationship I'd one day wish to emulate.

[Leigh 87]

I guess it just made me feel so sad hearing Evan Marc Katz admitting that, while he was enamoured and infatuated with all the other girls he had dated, he WASN'T infatuated with his wife at any stage. He admitted to not having the same sizzle in the bedroom with her as he once did with other women. Although he still enjoyed great sex with his wife.

 

It just clicked with my friends and I that we'd all rather be single than have to settle for that. The ones of us that don't need to have a family that is.

 

We feel that there should be a dating guru who extols the benefits of ending up with one of the people you're the most passionate about, and eliminating problem that could be hampering your abilities to find it.

 

I'm personally friends with women like me who can't settle for less than having it all in terms of passion and comfort.

 

And most of them both...I just know too many people who DO have what Evan Marc Katz claims only such a tiiiiiiiiny portion of married couples have. These are couples I truly know. I k knew their pat relationships too and trust me there's nothing ever hidden from me. The chemistry between these couples is still palpable.

 

There should be more than one dating guru. Not just the one who decided it wasn't possible to get one of the girls he felt that in love feeling with and that made his heart race.

[clia]

There should be more than one dating guru. Not just the one who decided it wasn't possible to get one of the girls he felt that in love feeling with and that made his heart race.

 

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of dating gurus out there if you look around the Internet and in the self-help section of your bookstore. Why are you so fixated on the one that has a different viewpoint than you?

 

And once again, Katz never says to give up on chemistry. He never says that chemistry is not important. He never says you should date a guy for whom you feel no attraction. His point (generally) is that too often people mistake chemistry for happiness and let strong feelings of lust, infatuation, and chemistry override a lack of compatibility.

 

Chemistry is not love.

[Diezel]

So yes I believe the friends I have who got the intense chemistry AND compatibility have way more blissful relationships that what you're currently having.

 

So, would you say I have a more blissful relationship than the one you are having right now?

 

Oh, wait.

 

You know what... I had to laugh though. You truly believe your friends, the ones you endlessly pedestalize their relationships, are having better relationships than the rest of us?

 

You really are delusional.

 

Also, you are 28, correct? At most, what ages are your friends in these relationships... maybe mid-30's? At most?

[lana-banana]

I'm most alarmed that you claim to have FINALLY found the right guy, the one who satisfies all your needs for fireworks and chemistry and compatibility and passion, approximately once a week. Then a few days later it inevitably doesn't work out and you're back to agonizing over how you'll be alone for decades until the next one comes along. This all happens faster than I can get on the site and write "there she goes again".

 

Don't you ever think you sound a little bit manic? If a girlfriend of mine did this I would put her in a nunnery until she'd detoxed.

Edited April 1, 2015 by lana-banana

[Leigh 87]

So, would you say I have a more blissful relationship than the one you are having right now?

 

Oh, wait.

 

You know what... I had to laugh though. You truly believe your friends, the ones you endlessly pedestalize their relationships, are having better relationships than the rest of us?

 

You really are delusional.

 

Also, you are 28, correct? At most, what ages are your friends in these relationships... maybe mid-30's? At most?

 

 

 

You are delusional if you feel that you're happier than me simple because you have a partner.

 

It is a really sad way of thinking.

[Leigh 87]

I'm most alarmed that you claim to have FINALLY found the right guy, the one who satisfies all your needs for fireworks and chemistry and compatibility and passion, approximately once a week. Then a few days later it inevitably doesn't work out and you're back to agonizing over how you'll be alone for decades until the next one comes along. This all happens faster than I can get on the site and write "there she goes again".

 

Don't you ever think you sound a little bit manic? If a girlfriend of mine did this I would put her in a nunnery until she'd detoxed.

 

 

I NEVER SAID I HAD FOUND THE RIGHT GUY.

 

I met a guy who I feel intense chemistry with and who I am thrilled to be dating!

 

I have NOOOOOOOO idea if it will last even a week! It is early days!

 

I never once believed I will be alone for decades. I said it takes a little longer to find passion and compatibility in one package.

[Leigh 87]

My friends who have found partners who they had intense chemistry with from the get go were in their 30's when they met.

 

They waited a bit longer and have ended up in wayyyyy more passionate, true love based relationships than the people who are hell bent on finding a partner ASAP.....

 

Their relationships are so much better... they are married or still dating years later and they all claim that it beats the crap out of their mediocre chemistry based relationships!

[Rejected Rosebud]

You are delusional if you feel that you're happier than me simple because you have a partner.

 

It is a really sad way of thinking.

I kind of agree with you, except that you are going on and on and on forever about relationships and what is required for a good one, I think the people in the relationships here probably know a lot more about that than you do!! All I know of you is what you put out here on LS but so far I think you know a lot about getting the serious hots for a lot of guys really fast that might last for a few days or so, and nothing about relationships. You keep talking about your friends who met drunk in a club as if they are the poster people for good relationships and I get that you are into that kind of thing but it would be nice if you would respect that a lot of us have everything we want out of our love life even though it doesn't include drunken making out in clubs sheesh!! Your ideas of passion and love are pretty unique I don't know other adults who share them.

[Leigh 87]

So, would you say I have a more blissful relationship than the one you are having right now?

 

Oh, wait.

 

I could be in a relationship by now. I have had two men fall head over heels for me who were both very decent catches and who genuinely WANTED to be with me.....

 

Guess what? I CHOSE to remain single, because I only felt mediocre chemistry!

 

And I am SOOOOOOO much happier single than I was with the guys who didn't light my fire and who I wasn't excited about!

 

I tried it with one of those guys as a matter of fact, and while I had SOME chemistry, a 6/10,

 

.........................................the fact I have felt intense chemistry before just made that guy pale so much in comparison to the point where I found myself preferring to be alone and masturbate while I think about the guys I truly want, than to be with him:sick:

 

And this was a guy I HAD chemistry with!

 

..... But I was not giddy with excitement about dating him, and I HAVE had men who I was wayyyyy more into romantically.

 

You know what... I had to laugh though. You truly believe your friends, the ones you endlessly pedestalize their relationships, are having better relationships than the rest of us?

 

You really are delusional.

 

Also, you are 28, correct? At most, what ages are your friends in these relationships... maybe mid-30's? At most?

 

 

SOME of my friends. And yes I believe they have more fulfilling relationships than you and most posters on here. They found intense passion AND compatibility.

 

You literally cannot get better. They still want to rip each others clothes off years later because they HAD passion to draw from naturally, in the beginning.

 

Where as all the other couples I know have to work soooo hard just o generate some kind of a spark since it was NEVER THERE to begin with.

[Leigh 87]

I kind of agree with you, except that you are going on and on and on forever about relationships and what is required for a good one, I think the people in the relationships here probably know a lot more about that than you do!! All I know of you is what you put out here on LS but so far I think you know a lot about getting the serious hots for a lot of guys really fast that might last for a few days or so, and nothing about relationships. You keep talking about your friends who met drunk in a club as if they are the poster people for good relationships and I get that you are into that kind of thing but it would be nice if you would respect that a lot of us have everything we want out of our love life even though it doesn't include drunken making out in clubs sheesh!! Your ideas of passion and love are pretty unique I don't know other adults who share them.

 

 

I don't go out to clubs....

 

My ideas of passion are: you sometimes meet people in life who you fall hard for, head over heels for and who you're just REALLY into.

 

They excite you. You are infatuated with them and once this limerence ends, you have a more companiate based love.

 

Only people with weird brain wiring stay in limerence BUT, if the passion was intense to begin with, the couples who come out of their honeymoon phased DO still draw from the natural chemistry that initially brought them together.

 

PLENTY of adults view passion in the same light I do.

 

I mentioned ONE friend who met drunk with a guy and they both felt intense chemistry and happen to still be together...

 

How they met isn't something I pay adage to at all.... I highlighted how intense chemistry can just happen anytime, any place.

[Leigh 87]

I kind of agree with you, except that you are going on and on and on forever about relationships and what is required for a good one, I think the people in the relationships here probably know a lot more about that than you do!! QUOTE]

 

I have been in relationships too so I know just as much about passion and compatibility and what he odds are of finding both.

 

I made the mistake of settling for people who I didn't feel intense chemistry with.

 

I also made the mistake of settling for intense chemistry with no compatibility.

 

I definitely need both and many friends of mine also want both - and they want guidance and support as to how they can go about getting it.

 

Personally, I believe things like therapy and identifying ways to feel intense chemistry for the right men, is key. My therapist and I were able to identity, for instance, that what drives intense chemistry for me are nerds; very intelligent and cheeky men.

 

So now I avoid men who seem unavailable and I am trying my first nerdy guy out and his wit and intelligence has the same affect for me that a player or unavailable man did.

 

As you can see, some women simply cant settle for less than passion and compatibility and we want support we don't appreciate people telling us to give up on what we know in our bones we want.

 

And of course, women that can ONLY feel intense chemistry with the wrong men or ONLY for hot men, need an adjustment so that they can learn to shift their energy to available men and identify key traits that triggers passion.

 

Women asking Evan Marc Katz about chemistry are met with: you cannot expect to feel that " in love" feeling with a future partner because the guys who leave you breathless are the ones who will always leave"

 

Which I scratch my head to, since I know plenty of couples who got with the men who made them go weak in the knees and are happily married.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Leigh that is fine and you are entitled to go for what you want in life but it would probably be a good move to stop trying to tell women on here what is the "right" way to go about having a wonderful love life, and that the people you know irl have "better" relationships than all of the thousands of people on here, you have NO clue.

People get the big hots for strangers all the time and so far I have not seen that you can tell the difference between just wanting to f*** and something with potential to be anything other than that. I get that you are not looking for a relationship but this kind of fling that you like is not the same as a relationship, I wish you could understand that!! Do you think you will still be carrying on this way when you are in your 40s and older?? It sounds exhausting!!

[Leigh 87]

Anyway to get back on topic,

 

I don't buy into Evans "passion delusion"

 

I feel the odds are in favour of dating many men you have intense chemistry with, and at least ONE of them working out long term. The odds seem stacked in your favour if you keep at it, since it is a numbers game.

 

The main theme seems to be that he feels that the people who ignite that " omg I am really into them" feeling, arent right candidates for relationships.

 

I want to challenge his viewpoint. As long as you don't exluisively ONLY feel intensity towards bad boys, I can't see why Evan feels that the people you HAPPEN to be the most into, are never the ones that are a match!

 

Does anyone had arguments for or against Evans notion of NOT holding out for the partner who evoke the "in love" feelings, VERSUS holding out for partners we are the most into?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh that is fine and you are entitled to go for what you want in life but it would probably be a good move to stop trying to tell women on here what is the "right" way to go about having a wonderful love life, and that the people you know irl have "better" relationships than all of the thousands of people on here, you have NO clue.

People get the big hots for strangers all the time and so far I have not seen that you can tell the difference between just wanting to f*** and something with potential to be anything other than that. I get that you are not looking for a relationship but this kind of fling that you like is not the same as a relationship, I wish you could understand that!! Do you think you will still be carrying on this way when you are in your 40s and older?? It sounds exhausting!!

 

I do want a relationship, I would much rather fall madly in love but being " crazy" in love is only possible for me with intense chemistry. I have tried the alternative and I was never crazy in love, I simply grew to love them without the IN love feelings.

 

So I am enjoying being single while I hope to end up, long term, with one of the men I shared the strongest chemistry for.

 

As it stands, I am enjoying meeting new men because it is thrilling that I have left my penchant for unavailable guys in the past, and I have been able to identify the TYPES of men who exhibit traits that have the SAME spine tingling affect as players do!

 

It is really exciting being single because you just never know which man will be your true love, however, I do want to eventually have LOVE alongside the passion. A best friend to laugh all day with, have intelligent conversations with and ... well, explosive sex with.

[losangelena]

Does anyone had arguments for or against Evans notion of NOT holding out for the partner who evoke the "in love" feelings, VERSUS holding out for partners we are the most into?

 

Do you really thing that after 10 pages of thread that people are really going to want to further engage with you on this topic? Especially since you seem so eager to disagree with others' viewpoints and tell them they're wrong?

 

I'll tell you one thing Katz doesn't do, and that's tell his readers that they're wrong simply by virtue of disagreeing with his views on love and relationships. He gives his advice and leaves it at that—he doesn't feel it's necessary to get defense. Do you see the difference?

 

He may not be my favorite guru, but in the realm of relationship advice, I'd much rather get it from someone who's married and who's had their share of life experience.

[Leigh 87]

Do you think you will still be carrying on this way when you are in your 40s and older?? It sounds exhausting!!

 

I am having more fun being single and dating men I feel 9 or 10/10 chemistry for and going through a few, than I was settling with 6 or 7/10 chemistry men.

 

My brain wiring is different, I am the genetic freak who can stay limerent long term into a relationship. Most people lose those in love feelings; I never did for one guy years later.

 

SO I declined a relationship with a 6/10 chemistry guy, and am so much happier being single and dating the 10/10 chemistry dudes.

 

Can you now see why some people are wired so that they cannot ever enjoy dating men long term, if there is anything less than great chemistry?

[Rejected Rosebud]

As it stands, I am enjoying meeting new men because it is thrilling that I have left my penchant for unavailable guys in the past, and I have been able to identify the TYPES of men who exhibit traits that have the SAME spine tingling affect as players do!

 

How do you KNOW though, you just told us that the guy who picked you up in the car and the guy you just met from OLD have all the "spine tingling traits" and you don't even KNOW the guys at all yet, you are just feeling the hots for them and I imagine they wouldn't throw you out of bed either but what else do you have to go on, NOTHING. You kind of sound like girls in 6th grade, no offense but to me you do!! Anyway I am done arguing with you, I wish you the best! Just have some respect for those of us who have what we want and are actually LIVING It right now!!

[Leigh 87]

Do you really thing that after 10 pages of thread that people are really going to want to further engage with you on this topic? Especially since you seem so eager to disagree with others' viewpoints and tell them they're wrong?

 

I'll tell you one thing Katz doesn't do, and that's tell his readers that they're wrong simply by virtue of disagreeing with his views on love and relationships. He gives his advice and leaves it at that—he doesn't feel it's necessary to get defense. Do you see the difference?

 

He may not be my favorite guru, but in the realm of relationship advice, I'd much rather get it from someone who's married and who's had their share of life experience.

 

 

Life experience?

 

I have lived in different countries. Travelled to every continent. You name it I've likely done it lol...

 

I could have been married too by now but I overlooked men I wasn't passionate about because 7/10 chemistry simply wont do for women like myself.

 

And Evan IS very preachy! He CLAIMS that women like me will never happen to end up with the men we feel intense chemistry with. When, you know, I see an expert (a therapist with a DEGREE, unlike him!), and she claims that as long as you can learn to feel passion for the right men you are set.

 

Evan openly says the men we feel the most into are never the men we will end up with.........

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

Can you now see why some people are wired so that they cannot ever enjoy dating men long term, if there is anything less than great chemistry?

Yes but your idea of "great chemistry" is not like other peoples and one thing for sure, ask all the guys here, just because he wants to get in your pants at first has little or nothing to do with whether he has any interest or intention of sticking with you for more than a few days. You talk a lot about how you "turned down relationships" well that is not really how it works, yes you can say NO but if you say YES then the two people have to actually be compatible, companionable, have stuff in common, etc. Nobody is going to want to continue ripping off your clothes no matter how hot you think you are if you are not who they want to spend much time with. You are just completely glossing over that part, that is the REAL part that lasts through all kinds of things in life.