The Passion Delusion

[Leigh 87]

Leigh,

 

What is your longest relationship with somebody you felt that strong passion/sparks/lust for?

 

I'm honestly just curious.

 

I agree with what has been said - if you don't want kids or marriage - then seriously go after what you want. If lust is your top priority, go get it!

 

 

 

Two years. Was the longest passion based relationship. He wanted to stay with me. But i ended it because he wasn't ambitious enough and we had different goals in life.

 

I feel passion and sparks for a decent number of men so I have every hope of finding it again.

[Weezy1973]

Two years. Was the longest passion based relationship. He wanted to stay with me. But i ended it because he wasn't ambitious enough and we had different goals in life.

 

I feel passion and sparks for a decent number of men so I have every hope of finding it again.

 

When was this 2 year relationship - you said you've only had two long relationships since you were 24 and I think these are them:

 

I dated two guys I felt mediocre passion for. One lasted 2.5 years and one 10 months...

 

I didn't ever get really into making out with them.

 

I didn't yearn to make out. At any stage of the relationship.

 

I was attracted to them enough to have good ish sex but it was never great.

 

Those aren't the the passion fueled one I'm guessing...

[Gloria25]

Two years. Was the longest passion based relationship. He wanted to stay with me. But i ended it because he wasn't ambitious enough and we had different goals in life.

 

I feel passion and sparks for a decent number of men so I have every hope of finding it again.

 

Even though this question was for Leigh 87, I would also like to provide my longest "relationship" timeframe - 6 years.

 

Six years...no kids, no marriage AND no desire for either. Worked out perfect for me. Probably would have went on for longer if I didn't leave the country.

 

And trust me, the sex was GREAT!!!

[Weezy1973]

Even though this question was for Leigh 87, I would also like to provide my longest "relationship" timeframe - 6 years.

 

Six years...no kids, no marriage AND no desire for either. Worked out perfect for me. Probably would have went on for longer if I didn't leave the country.

 

And trust me, the sex was GREAT!!!

 

Clearly the relationship couldn't have been that great, or you wouldn't have left! Or he would have moved with you...

[Gloria25]

Clearly the relationship couldn't have been that great, or you wouldn't have left! Or he would have moved with you...

 

He had his life back home...he was living with the mother of his kid.

 

I left cuz I had to start my life. I was living at home with my parents and although I got approved to go to the university for nerds, I couldn't afford the tuition (or tuition for any university/college/higher education). Also, I needed my freedom and independence - not gonna stay by my parents for life you know...

 

Why am I gonna put my life on hold for some dude who I'm not married to and/or is not providing for me?

 

So, he had his life and I had mine...Neither of us were going to stop our lives for the kind of RL we had.

 

Look, my fav podcaster had a similar call recently. This couple was "married" but lived in different states. The woman said she couldn't move to be with him, cuz of her residency commitment (she was in the medical field); and, I forgot the reason why the husband didn't want to move with her. So, for THREE YEARS they've been seeing each other now and then. Mind you, they were married and neither wanted to leave their area/career to be together.

 

So, sometimes priorities take over the need for RLs...doesn't mean the RL was just some "firework" that faded. My point was that for six years we had fireworks...I think six years was a pretty good run for people who think that passion fades.

[Weezy1973]

So, sometimes priorities take over the need for RLs...doesn't mean the RL was just some "firework" that faded. My point was that for six years we had fireworks...I think six years was a pretty good run for people who think that passion fades.

 

But for relationship oriented people the relationship is the priority. They will adjust other things to make the relationship work. It didn't happen in this case, and both you and the OP clearly acknowledge that you're not relationship oriented. Which makes sense, and I'm guessing you're both happy.

[Gloria25]

But for relationship oriented people the relationship is the priority. They will adjust other things to make the relationship work. It didn't happen in this case, and both you and the OP clearly acknowledge that you're not relationship oriented. Which makes sense, and I'm guessing you're both happy.

 

To make poor decisions in a mate and/or your life for "relationships sake" is akin to a "passion delusion"...in both cases, people seek out other people w/o taking into consideration "practicalities"

 

Let's say you meet the perfect man...he has a great career/job, money in the bank, romantic, sexy, responsible, good with people - yet he doesn't want kids. So, are you not "relationship oriented" if you tell him you cannot continue to see him cuz he doesn't want kids and you do? Are you to give up on your dreams of having kids to save this "relationship" at all costs?

[Leigh 87]

I CAN be very relationship oriented once I find the right chemistry.

[blackcat777]

I would say your relationship with yourself still comes first, which includes your dreams of having kids.

 

The hypothetical guy without kids would be less traditionally relationship oriented, anyway.

[Weezy1973]

To make poor decisions in a mate and/or your life for "relationships sake" is akin to a "passion delusion"...in both cases, people seek out other people w/o taking into consideration "practicalities"

 

Who said anything about poor decisions for a relationship's sake? No matter what choice one makes, there will be compromises. Some people make compromises to have the life they want which includes a relationship (marriage, kids etc.). Some people won't compromise for the sake of a relationship and stay single, or have fleeting flings.

 

Let's say you meet the perfect man...he has a great career/job, money in the bank, romantic, sexy, responsible, good with people - yet he doesn't want kids. So, are you not "relationship oriented" if you tell him you cannot continue to see him cuz he doesn't want kids and you do? Are you to give up on your dreams of having kids to save this "relationship" at all costs?

 

If a woman wants children, and meets a man who doesn't want children, how would that man be perfect? A family oriented woman would never see a man who doesn't want a family as perfect. Your example is ludicrous.

[Diezel]

Why would I ever have to give up on chemistry? We are different people with different needs. You probably wanted a partner and a relationship. I don't. I don't want a family I am indifferent about kids. Therefore, I prefer to only bother dating the guys I'm excited about as opposed to lukewarm men in the hope that chemistry builds.

 

Who said I don't want chemistry in my relationship? I never said that, but you are putting blinders on and that's your problem. You are looking for ONE specific thing while shutting yourself off from possibilities and that's YOUR problem.

 

The person I am currently with, we were friends first, and not romantic interests, and it developed into that over the course of a year to where we are now.

 

Had I done things your way, I would have written her off since the beginning since I didn't feel that "instant fireworks".

 

And to be honest, for someone who doesn't seem to "care" whether they have a relationship or not, you seem to write an awful amount of threads concerned with finding a relationship. Incongruence. You has it.

[Meatballsmom]

Prior to my marriage, I too was in a relationship, that 9/10 spark, great chemistry, but he turned out to be a class A jerk, so I dumped him. A few years later, I met my H, the chemistry was not totally there, say at 7/10, but he had a great career, good housing, great benefits, travel the whole ball of wax. It did not take long before the passion died. And after a few years and a couple of kids he turned into a bigger jerk, twenty years of my life wasted. Yeah, even without the passion, I stuck it out with him.

A few years later I got involved with and shared my life with another man. The passion was there, I thought that I could never love someone as much as I loved him. He was not that great of a jerk, fighting over his kids and mine. He could not accept my daughter. We ended up temporarily separating, when he accepted a job assignment out of state. Neither of us were sure whether we had broken up. We did talk of reuniting in the future. But knowing him, I knew that he could not go without sex for any length of time.

I lasted six months, and after a bad exchange over the phone, I was sure he had a new GF, I let him know I too was going to date.

The first guy I went out with was strictly to get laid. A nice guy, I was barely attracted to, no great sparks. That is until the first date, I couldn't wait for the second date. The passion was there, and 20 years later, it is still there.

Love with passion, I didn't know what I was missing.

[salparadise]

I've thought a lot about all of this and am pretty sure that I have arrived at the perspective that works for me. However right it feels for me, though, we're all wired differently so I doubt that there is a right/wrong answer.

 

I believe that both chemistry and compatibility are necessary for a fulfilling long-term relationship. And when I say compatibility I mean personality compatibility, not a list of superficial stuff or a lifestyle upgrade assessment.

 

I just don't see how anyone can get started without good chemistry. I'm not talking over-the-top, crazy, obsessive... but how could one be enthusiastic without sexual attraction and a decidedly positive emotional response? Lust is part of love, and it happens––why would anyone settle for someone who looks good on paper but elicits little or no visceral response?

 

Personality compatibility includes elements that I won't even attempt to define, but I do think it has to include admiration, trust and respect. Those things take awhile to emerge (or not) and it's the new love chemistry––limerence––that draws people together and sustains the couple while they develop something deeper and more meaningful.

 

There have been a handful of women in my life that triggered a strong visceral response in me. One I knew 30 years ago (never got together) and I happened to bump into her recently... and guess what... she still triggers it like she did all of those years ago. I think chemistry does endure, but it becomes less important, one of many things rather than the only thing.

 

Maybe I need to look up some of those others who trigger me and see if any of them are single... bound to be more productive than another dozen coffee dates with strangers from online.

[Rejected Rosebud]

One thing I notice is that the good looking types of men and women I know that have options - ALWAYS end up picking a long term partner who they feel intense chemistry for. The people who have the OPTION of choosing between dating a partner whom they feel intense chemistry for versus a partner who may seem very compatible but who they lack sparks for, they ALWAYS CHOOSE intense chemistry when at all possible, with a compatible partner.

 

People who CAN choose the type of partner they want, rarely opt for slow burning chemistry.

Leigh sorry I can't read all your posts (wall of text you know!) but I see that you are again going back to this obsession with looks that you have, and speaking ignorantly about what "other people" are experiencing in their relationships.

Of course if you don't feel chemistry with a guy you are not WRONG for cutting it off with him and I would do the same thing, I need that chemistry, that separates my guy friends from the guy I love!!

 

I look good if I do say so myself but this has ZERO to do with it!!! People who are good looking have just as much chance of caring about a deep and not superficial relationship as less attractive people do Leigh, just because YOU are not interested in anything like that and you think you are so HOT stop putting all that on the rest of us please and thank you!! When we find love ( I mean those of us who aren't mostly looking for hot sex with new people) we don't "prefer" how we find it, it is just there and we either go for it or not!!

[Leigh 87]

Who said I don't want chemistry in my relationship? I never said that, but you are putting blinders on and that's your problem. You are looking for ONE specific thing while shutting yourself off from possibilities and that's YOUR problem.

 

The person I am currently with, we were friends first, and not romantic interests, and it developed into that over the course of a year to where we are now.

 

Had I done things your way, I would have written her off since the beginning since I didn't feel that "instant fireworks".

 

And to be honest, for someone who doesn't seem to "care" whether they have a relationship or not, you seem to write an awful amount of threads concerned with finding a relationship. Incongruence. You has it.

 

 

But I've never felt intense passion for a guy who started out as a friend. I don't need to adopt your approach to be successful. I am sure I can find a guy I'm into right away who feels it too.

 

Not everyone has to find love your way.

 

 

Of course I'd like to find love but I'm in no rush so I see no harm in only dating men I'm excited about rather than giving no spark guys a chance.

[Leigh 87]

Case in point.

 

I felt firework like chemistry with TWO gentlemen yesterday. They seemed to feel it mutually.

 

One I met by chance and the other from online......

 

The guy I met by chance saw me walking in the rain and insisted on giving me a lift to work. His intelligence and generosity and just his affable nature and his ability to make me laugh causes pretty instant fireworks. He confessed to feeling the same but admitted to having juts stating seeing someone but suggested that he enjoys meeting new friends.

 

It's obvious he prefers me to his girlfriend of two months. But I'm leaving him be. I'll never go there.

 

Other guy is a super nerd, an electrical engineer who is super tall and I also feel butterflies and fireworks for him. He said he wants to continue seeing each other.............

 

As you can all see, I tend to feel great instant chemistry often enough for me to very realistically hold out for the fireworks and passion within a loving and compatible relationship..........

 

I am now only feeling the spark with men who make me laugh, are needs and hyper intelligent, ambitious men and generous men........... A few physical traits trigger sparks too but the spark dissipates once I ascertain that the dude cannot make me laugh and or push my buttons intellectually............

[Leigh 87]

Really stoked guys that I am starting to meet and attract men who exhibit the key traits that turn me on!!!!!

 

Laughter, generosity and a high level of intelligence! If neither guy ends up as a partner who cares right because clearly the right men for me are out there.

 

Really excited about the latest guy! He's an adorable nerd! Super excited about dating him!

 

But I know all too well fireworks fizzle for me once the guys proves to me not so great.

 

And I know that nothing serious will come of the latest dude anytime soon. It'll take time. Months... Until we both know if what we have is ever going to amount to anything serious.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The guy I met by chance saw me walking in the rain and insisted on giving me a lift to work. His intelligence and generosity and just his affable nature and his ability to make me laugh causes pretty instant fireworks. He confessed to feeling the same but admitted to having juts stating seeing someone but suggested that he enjoys meeting new friends.

 

It's obvious he prefers me to his girlfriend of two months. But I'm leaving him be. I'll never go there.

Leigh omg! You really really need to stop this, it is completely unacceptable and just off the wall! A stranger who literally picked you up off the street and you think it's OBVIOUS he PREFERS you to his girlfriend? You are just freaking me out, sorry, but that is off the wall girl!!!

 

On the upside though it looks like you can feel mindblowing fireworks at the drop of the hat so you won't have any trouble finding sex partners that you're excited about even a couple of times per day!

[Leigh 87]

Leigh omg! You really really need to stop this, it is completely unacceptable and just off the wall! A stranger who literally picked you up off the street and you think it's OBVIOUS he PREFERS you to his girlfriend? You are just freaking me out, sorry, but that is off the wall girl!!!

 

On the upside though it looks like you can feel mindblowing fireworks at the drop of the hat so you won't have any trouble finding sex partners that you're excited about even a couple of times per day!

 

He told me. I didn't have to guess.

 

Hence why we don't have out; too strong chemistry. He's told me how he feels and purported that his ex wife did the dirty on him..and therefore, he can't risk doing it to his current girl.

 

I never assume anything. He told me that he finds me very attractive and sorry but it's probably not a good idea to hang out after wards because we have chemistry and he has a girlfriend.

 

And I'm looking for a partner to love not casual sex. However, I've stated previously that, given the choice, I would pick short passion flings to a long marriage with mediocre chemistry.

 

I'd rather get the whole package though.....fireworks in the bedroom and mentally, emotionally AND spiritually.

[Kamille]

Did you get into a car with a complete stranger and spend the ride talking about your mutual attraction? I'm glad nothing bad happened Leigh.

[Diezel]

But I've never felt intense passion for a guy who started out as a friend. I don't need to adopt your approach to be successful. I am sure I can find a guy I'm into right away who feels it too.

 

Not everyone has to find love your way.

 

You don't have to do things my way. But stop wondering why they aren't working yours. It's kinda obvious.

[Leigh 87]

You don't have to do things my way. But stop wondering why they aren't working yours. It's kinda obvious.

 

 

Holding out for fireworks isn't not working for me. Being 28 and single isn't indicative that waiting for intense chemistry isn't working.

 

I'm happy.

 

I'm now dating a guy who I feel intense chemistry for. And I would rather date 400 more of guys like him before meeting the right one this settle for less than pure passionate chemistry.

 

Doing things your way won't make me any happier. I really enjoy dating the men that I have the most int nose chemistry for. Even if it doesn't work out it's infinitely more enjoyable to me than adopting your approach.

 

You're talking to an extremely kind generous and intelligent woman. I won't have problems attracting the right guy who I have fireworks with.

 

It won't happen right away but there's absolutely no reason to doubt it'll ever happen.

[Leigh 87]

You don't have to do things my way. But stop wondering why they aren't working yours. It's kinda obvious.

 

I've never once wondered.

 

I've always known I'll find a guy who I have intense chemistry with and who happens to be compatible.

 

I've never wondered why I haven't met him yet. I've been single less than one year. It's no surprise I haven't met him yet. It takes time to meet the right partner even when you don't need passion from the start....

 

I've been single for one year and I've been lucky to have had plenty of relationships and dating experiences. Many adults never get to experience love or dating at all so I count myself lucky and consider my dating life to have been a success.

 

I don't consider failed relationships and being single at age 28 as " what you're doing ain't working "

 

Dating the guys I feel excited about versus the men I feel meh about has absolutely no significance.......

 

Opting to date men I'm not into versus the men I feel wow about isn't going to unlock some home grail.

 

It's very normal to be excited and feel intense chemistry with a partner when you first date. It is a very normal process and plenty of couples have that stage.

[Leigh 87]

I am looking so forward to my upcoming dates with online guy.

 

Guy one who I met on the same day as online guy, we talked it out and decided that while we both felt that we clicked, he is 100% devoted to figuring his current girl situation out before even thinking of exploring any great chemistry with a new prospect. He said he'd have definitely wanted to see where things went with us if he I'd met him a few months ago.

 

So all is good in leigh land.

 

Online guy is everything I have ever wanted in a guy in terms of his superficial first date attributes: he is a super nerd, in Mensa, tall and has his own unique look.

 

Yet he may not feel the chemistry in a weeks time haha so as far as I am concerned, I am still so happy to be able to get giddy with excitement about dates with men I actually "want".

 

It beats the heck out of "trying'' to date men hoping the chemistry will "grow".....it sucks to not want to jump a new partner! It is SO much more fun to date the current guy who may not last, but intense chemistry with a guy I enjoy hanging out with is a lot better than mediocre chemistry with a guy who may last longer!

 

 

If he disappears tomorrow I will still have at least enjoyed myself more, than if I had settled for mediocre chemistry with a dude who I lasted with.

[Diezel]

Doing things your way won't make me any happier.

 

True, but I'm not the one posting thread after thread after thread inquiring about "fireworks" and "chemistry", ad nauseum.

 

If you are so set in your ways, why are you constantly seeking validation for your line of thinking?

 

We get it, you need intense chemistry. You've made your point. So why disguise every single thread you create with the same thing over and over? Sounds like one of two things: Doubt or Validation Seeking.

 

I'm all for you wanting to do things your way, but as soon as you ask people for opinions about it, you get defensive and dismissive. But, you don't see this. You just want to see your bubble.