Is there such a thing as Long-term Monogamous Affair?

[SummerMints]

HowdidIgetHere: Read your previous posts. How do I msg u privately?

Edited April 4, 2015 by SummerMints

[SummerMints]

Dear xxxx,

 

I am clearly not coping.

 

And I thought I was doing very well.

 

Maybe it is just going through the physiological process of a blunt force injury: the bruise just coming out now and going through the range of colours.

 

The only solution: NC, until I'm thinking straight again. I'm so sorry. Please don't take this the wrong way. I care about you but I clearly still love you. So I cannot be impartial and platonic right now.

 

Right now I'm that jealous lover tearing my own feathers out. If I keep this up I will die. I feel entirely unloved and inadequate and unspecial. Please leave me to lick my wounds. I really wish you all the best but I know you will be just fine because you've already moved on. Please leave a space for our friendship in the near future.

 

I'm so sorry... I wish things were different.

[elaine567]

 

As for your NC letter, it reads like your fishing for MM to reassure you that he still cares and is still pining for you.

 

I got that impression too.

[jellybean89]

Because, I hesitate before making the biggest life changing decision of my life. I have only known my AP/OM for a few years. I have known my husband for 15. Despite the head rush that is new love and lust, I still need to be 100% sure I want to head in that direction when there are children involved.

 

Your children have been involved since you first had sex with the OM. You clearly weren't thinking of their future when you were having sex with someone besides you spouse.

 

I guess every life is different. And everyone has different levels of acceptable code of morality. I'm not trying to defend myself, never have, just trying to sound off my ideas. We are all consenting adults and yes the price is very high when I get found out. But that is my price to pay and this is my life to live.

If I am a person with a totally clean and clear conscience then I wouldn't be here with the post, and so far all your comments have been extremely helpful.

 

Your children are NOT consenting adults and you have willingly chosen to put their happiness and security to the bottom of your list when you choose to be with/sleep with another man. And like someone else said, your husband isn't a consenting adult. You chose to betray him, lie to him and dishonor him. You don't seem to care about him or your kids...your focus is the OM and ensuring you still get to see him & have sex with him.

 

And you know what..

Never say never. Until it happens to you, no one can say never never never.

 

Disagree. I can easily say there are things I will never do and some things ARE black and white. You are using the same excuse/cop out others who cheat use..."it's complicated", "it just happened", "it wasn't palnned", "we can't help who we fall in love with", and "it isn't balf and white".

 

At the very least, own your crap. Be honest to yourself that you are acting selfishly, you are out to get what YOU want, you really don't care if what you are doing will hurt your family (cause you keep doing it), you figure you aren't hurting anyone since for now they don't know.

 

And now, because the aoM had a date and had sex, you send him some morose message acting all butt-hurt and as if he cheated on you. Really?

 

I do hope your husband sees what is going on. Your lack of remorse for your behavior and lack of respect for marriage blows my mind. It is all about you. I feel for your kids cause now you will mope around crying for the day(s) and they will not understand that mommy is sad her lover had sex with a new person.

[dreamingoftigers]

And you know what..

Never say never. Until it happens to you, no one can say never never never.

 

I went through this BS with my husband back and forth for six years.

 

I am not going to trip and fall on someone's cock.

 

Too much pain spread around for everyone.

[dreamingoftigers]

HowdidIgetHere: Read your previous posts. How do I msg u privately?

 

You need to have been posting for 30 days and have 50 posts.

[Lurkeraspect]

Dear xxxx,

 

I am clearly not coping.

 

And I thought I was doing very well.

 

Maybe it is just going through the physiological process of a blunt force injury: the bruise just coming out now and going through the range of colours.

 

The only solution: NC, until I'm thinking straight again. I'm so sorry. Please don't take this the wrong way. I care about you but I clearly still love you. So I cannot be impartial and platonic right now.

 

Right now I'm that jealous lover tearing my own feathers out. If I keep this up I will die. I feel entirely unloved and inadequate and unspecial. Please leave me to lick my wounds. I really wish you all the best but I know you will be just fine because you've already moved on. Please leave a space for our friendship in the near future.

 

I'm so sorry... I wish things were different.

 

This letter comes off as overly dramatic and you sound needy. All this does is leave the door open, puts him on some (unworthy) pedestal, and keeps you stuck right where you are.

 

I hope you haven't sent this drivel.

[jbrent890]

This letter comes off as overly dramatic and you sound needy. All this does is leave the door open, puts him on some (unworthy) pedestal, and keeps you stuck right where you are.

 

I hope you haven't sent this drivel.

 

I really could not imagine a crueler fate than being stuck with a wife like this. I feel so sorry for her husband.

[Quiet Storm]

The letter is very dramatic and will just confirm to MM that even if you weren't married, you would not make a good long term partner for him. You sound like you are 16.

 

You should seek counseling because it feels to me like your emotional growth was stunted at some point. Life isn't a movie and being away from a lover won't make you yank out your feathers and die. It will suck and you will grieve, but you have a good husband and a family to focus on.

 

A good therapist may be able to help you gain perspective and self awareness. It's not good to feel like you are a slave to your emotions, and it will affect your kids. They have their whole childhood in front of them and deserve better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Believe it or not, I only just recently (3 years ago) found out my father has been unfaithful to my mother. When I first found out i was so furious I could not even look him in the eye at my younger sisters wedding. And look where I am now... Life is most definitely NOT black and white.

 

I actually caught my father's adultery.

 

That was great fun! ha, not.

 

And it affected my life in a big way.

 

That being said, I do believe that it changes your worldview.

 

I think that it may have affected you in this way.

 

But the "black and white" argument is often one that most people that choose to cheat make. And sorry, but it is a greatly NOT valid argument.

 

You have everything that you say you want in a partner and that he is a great guy etc etc etc. But you are outright screwing him over.

 

This isn't a case of moral relativity or a "gray area."

 

It's a case of " I want I want I want me me me." Or "I feel X, so therefore I should be able to have Y in order to feel Z." Completely leaving everyone else out of the equation.

 

In a sense, showing a distinct lack of self-love and self-respect.

I think that it is a typical case of human "I know what I want and I will do it regardless of the consequences to everyone else, even my own self-esteem. Because hoping for this passion, devotion, dirty little secret, and longing makes me feel thrilled and daring for a short while. It gives me something to yearn for."

 

Instead of thinking through the rational reasons this is a high-risk situation that I don't believe you are ready for the consequences should it go bust, or you get an STD or pregnant or worse, you have decided, "I want what I want right now, and I will fit my "morals" around it and call it 'not black and white.'"

 

IMHO, from what I have seen of friends (this is anecdotal of course) the ones who do not even AIM for solving their own or relational issues and take a "higher" moral ground.....and instead make the "black and white" argument often are from damaged families and go on to create damaged families.

 

Sadly enough, my husband would probably not even examine his "morals and values." My dear friend E had the not "black and white" stance. Her mother had been the OW while being a MOW during her second marriage. She took her four girls, through Hell after three of them had been raised by the second husband as his step-daughters. They still call him Dad. The fourth sister was his. She went to this relationship where the guy was still married and went back to his wife.

 

So all of that tearing for nothing. The girls lose their Dad, for an affair relationship.

 

The world is full of madness, it is. The only thing that we can do, as parents and partners is not bring the madness home with us. Protect out home from the duplicitous damage we can do. Is it always the most "fun?" No. Do we have cravings for fun and strange sometimes? Yes, I am sure that most of us do sometimes. Especially if we become complacent, as you seem to be. Very complacent.

 

That is when we face ourselves. We say, "do I want to be the mother and partner who is complacent blah blahing about "black and white" because I want some strange? Or do I be the mother and partner that says, "You know what, I walked away from all of that crap and sought happiness from within and went to my partner with my concerns, and we worked it through together. Because I don't stab people in the back. I don't risk my kid's family and future because I am feeling something that I haven't resolved right away. I don't divide my loyalties. My kids come first. First before every self-destructive and complacent urge I have."

 

Or something similar.

 

Screw your "never say never."

My husband wreaked havoc, my father wreaked havoc. Your father wreaked havoc. You felt that. I have had the opportunity to wreak tons of havoc. Guess what? Screw that. No more havoc. There's been enough havoc for one lifetime.

 

You will not find me here saying, "oh we were just friends I didn't mean for this to happen didn't mean to hurt you thought he was my soulmate just needed to let loose once in awhile can't you get past this want a fresh start" cliches. NO.

 

And guess what. Read 100 infidelity threads on here. Read some chumplady, "Stupid s*** cheaters say" and see how those betrayed spouses have had their self-esteem smashed. Cheating isn't some great bastion of unmet needs and happiness. It's an unhealthy behavorial pattern that you are trying to justify. It's a bad drug. One of the most unstable. It's playing with your brain chemistry's bonding hormones to get a high. That's what it is. That's what you are justifying.

 

You don't want to leave your partner or family, so occasionally, you will step how and inject some infidelity into your veins to help you cope with whatever and talk about "moral relativism." It's no different than binge drinking or excessive video game playing. In my case, it's food.

 

Having a healthy family, partnership and self-esteem relies on you figuring out why you think you need and deserve to "get high" at the expense of your kids. You brought them here, they didn't ask for this.

 

So we can say that I am judgmental or whatever. That I come to "condemn" you or whatever. But that's a bunch of BS. It's that crappy behaviour, that crappy crappy abusive behaviour of infidelity I thwack at on this site. At the end of the day, I don't know your kids or you or your husband.

 

But I do know your pattern. The pattern of infidelity and the finger print emotionally and mentally it leaves behind. Just the same as if I were a forensic scientist, I wouldn't be able to tell you what the last words at the crime scene were, but I would have a pretty damn good idea what happened based on what was left behind. I don't know what position you screwed your lover in, but I can tell you that the knife wound to the back like the one you are inflicting into your husband has an effect. And it is not a net positive for anyone. No matter how strong those drivers are for you.

 

So whereas I may not condemn you as "a bad person" I pretty much know that you have the option to make positive causes for yourself and instead you have introduced a net negative (in the long term) to all of your lives and you have not given up your fixation with the infidelity yet. Just because the statement on the moral credit card has not come in yet, doesn't mean that there isn't interest accruing on the balance.

[Lurkeraspect]

I actually caught my father's adultery.

 

That was great fun! ha, not.

 

And it affected my life in a big way.

 

That being said, I do believe that it changes your worldview.

 

I think that it may have affected you in this way.

 

But the "black and white" argument is often one that most people that choose to cheat make. And sorry, but it is a greatly NOT valid argument.

 

You have everything that you say you want in a partner and that he is a great guy etc etc etc. But you are outright screwing him over.

 

This isn't a case of moral relativity or a "gray area."

 

It's a case of " I want I want I want me me me." Or "I feel X, so therefore I should be able to have Y in order to feel Z." Completely leaving everyone else out of the equation.

 

In a sense, showing a distinct lack of self-love and self-respect.

I think that it is a typical case of human "I know what I want and I will do it regardless of the consequences to everyone else, even my own self-esteem. Because hoping for this passion, devotion, dirty little secret, and longing makes me feel thrilled and daring for a short while. It gives me something to yearn for."

 

Instead of thinking through the rational reasons this is a high-risk situation that I don't believe you are ready for the consequences should it go bust, or you get an STD or pregnant or worse, you have decided, "I want what I want right now, and I will fit my "morals" around it and call it 'not black and white.'"

 

IMHO, from what I have seen of friends (this is anecdotal of course) the ones who do not even AIM for solving their own or relational issues and take a "higher" moral ground.....and instead make the "black and white" argument often are from damaged families and go on to create damaged families.

 

Sadly enough, my husband would probably not even examine his "morals and values." My dear friend E had the not "black and white" stance. Her mother had been the OW while being a MOW during her second marriage. She took her four girls, through Hell after three of them had been raised by the second husband as his step-daughters. They still call him Dad. The fourth sister was his. She went to this relationship where the guy was still married and went back to his wife.

 

So all of that tearing for nothing. The girls lose their Dad, for an affair relationship.

 

The world is full of madness, it is. The only thing that we can do, as parents and partners is not bring the madness home with us. Protect out home from the duplicitous damage we can do. Is it always the most "fun?" No. Do we have cravings for fun and strange sometimes? Yes, I am sure that most of us do sometimes. Especially if we become complacent, as you seem to be. Very complacent.

 

That is when we face ourselves. We say, "do I want to be the mother and partner who is complacent blah blahing about "black and white" because I want some strange? Or do I be the mother and partner that says, "You know what, I walked away from all of that crap and sought happiness from within and went to my partner with my concerns, and we worked it through together. Because I don't stab people in the back. I don't risk my kid's family and future because I am feeling something that I haven't resolved right away. I don't divide my loyalties. My kids come first. First before every self-destructive and complacent urge I have."

 

Or something similar.

 

Screw your "never say never."

My husband wreaked havoc, my father wreaked havoc. Your father wreaked havoc. You felt that. I have had the opportunity to wreak tons of havoc. Guess what? Screw that. No more havoc. There's been enough havoc for one lifetime.

 

You will not find me here saying, "oh we were just friends I didn't mean for this to happen didn't mean to hurt you thought he was my soulmate just needed to let loose once in awhile can't you get past this want a fresh start" cliches. NO.

 

And guess what. Read 100 infidelity threads on here. Read some chumplady, "Stupid s*** cheaters say" and see how those betrayed spouses have had their self-esteem smashed. Cheating isn't some great bastion of unmet needs and happiness. It's an unhealthy behavorial pattern that you are trying to justify. It's a bad drug. One of the most unstable. It's playing with your brain chemistry's bonding hormones to get a high. That's what it is. That's what you are justifying.

 

You don't want to leave your partner or family, so occasionally, you will step how and inject some infidelity into your veins to help you cope with whatever and talk about "moral relativism." It's no different than binge drinking or excessive video game playing. In my case, it's food.

 

Having a healthy family, partnership and self-esteem relies on you figuring out why you think you need and deserve to "get high" at the expense of your kids. You brought them here, they didn't ask for this.

 

So we can say that I am judgmental or whatever. That I come to "condemn" you or whatever. But that's a bunch of BS. It's that crappy behaviour, that crappy crappy abusive behaviour of infidelity I thwack at on this site. At the end of the day, I don't know your kids or you or your husband.

 

But I do know your pattern. The pattern of infidelity and the finger print emotionally and mentally it leaves behind. Just the same as if I were a forensic scientist, I wouldn't be able to tell you what the last words at the crime scene were, but I would have a pretty damn good idea what happened based on what was left behind. I don't know what position you screwed your lover in, but I can tell you that the knife wound to the back like the one you are inflicting into your husband has an effect. And it is not a net positive for anyone. No matter how strong those drivers are for you.

 

So whereas I may not condemn you as "a bad person" I pretty much know that you have the option to make positive causes for yourself and instead you have introduced a net negative (in the long term) to all of your lives and you have not given up your fixation with the infidelity yet. Just because the statement on the moral credit card has not come in yet, doesn't mean that there isn't interest accruing on the balance.

 

Brilliant. I sure hope the OP reads this over and over.

[dreamingoftigers]

Brilliant. I sure hope the OP reads this over and over.

 

Probably won't.

 

People who want their drug of choice avoid listening to anything that might take them away from it and twist the words and intentions of anyone who offers a rational view as to why destroying things for yourself and others is not the healthiest, most fulfilling path to take.

 

It gets boiled down to "so you're saying I am a bad wrong person who does bad wrong things, well, I don't have to listen to that crap."

 

No one likes looking in the mirror.

 

I feel the same way about obesity threads.

 

"It's unhealthy and you are killing yourself."

"Piss off, my husband is cheating on me and I want to eat cookies to pull through it. I need something. I am a good person."

 

Not the point. Gotta get facing those demons

[georgia girl]

Dear xxxx,

 

I am clearly not coping.

 

And I thought I was doing very well.

 

Maybe it is just going through the physiological process of a blunt force injury: the bruise just coming out now and going through the range of colours.

 

The only solution: NC, until I'm thinking straight again. I'm so sorry. Please don't take this the wrong way. I care about you but I clearly still love you. So I cannot be impartial and platonic right now.

 

Right now I'm that jealous lover tearing my own feathers out. If I keep this up I will die. I feel entirely unloved and inadequate and unspecial. Please leave me to lick my wounds. I really wish you all the best but I know you will be just fine because you've already moved on. Please leave a space for our friendship in the near future.

 

I'm so sorry... I wish things were different.

 

 

Summer Mints,

 

 

Sorry, but this doesn't read like a "no contact" letter. This reads like a desperate attempt to have him reassure you that he hasn't moved on, that he still wants you and to drop the other woman for you.

 

 

In the meantime, you continue to gamble with your family life - particularly the lives of your husband and kids. Please get counseling. I'm so very afraid that when you realize what you've gambled and lost, you are going to totally regret your actions but it will be too late.

 

 

As for never say never, I have to tell you that I find that offensive. I would never cheat on my husband and I'm absolutely positive he would never cheat on me. It comes down to who we are, what type of commitment we made to each other and how seriously we value our integrity.

[anika99]

Unless you are in someone's shoes you can't know what you'd do or be capable of. I don't expect anyone who hasn't been there to understand and it doesn't matter. I understand and I have the right to express that. She is human and not a bad person. Accept that or don't. It doesn't change the fact.

 

 

I agree that the OP may not be a bad person. I also agree that it's difficult to know exactly what something feels like unless one has experienced it. Nobody can understand an alcoholic better than another alcoholic, however it's not a good idea for two practicing alcoholics to meet up with each other at the bar under the pretense that they are helping each other. When a person is engaged in destructive behaviour the last thing they need is someone who is involved in the same destructive behaviour trying to help them, as all they will do is feed each other's delusions and validate each other's bad behaviour.

[truncated]

I am starting to wake up.

 

I want to be good for my family, especially my children.

NC will be so so hard but that's what I'm going to do.

I will still see my AP/OM/now single and dating man/my ex-lover, or whatever he is to me, at our orchestra rehearsals and I don't want to give that up just yet because music keeps me sane.. But might have to if it gets too much for me.

 

One of the comments rings true: he has already moved on. I need to rip the plaster off NOW.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts here.

I am most definitely not thinking straight.

 

I'm glad you are starting to think more clearly.

 

It doesn't sound as if being someone who is okay with cheating is who you really are. If you had gone ahead, you would likely have found it harder and harder to keep going, and the guilt would have eaten away at you.

 

Good luck, and I hope you are able to find some peace and happiness in your life.

[Artie Lang]

ugh... it doesn't really matter if she's a "good" or "bad" person- she's having an affair right now. tell me, how are her actions defining her at this point in time... "good" or "bad".

 

 

I find it amusing when people who are participating in questionable acts ask themselves these types of questions. why is it that we try and define ourselves in the context of certain paths we take. we are neither "good" or "bad"- we are capable of both, though. i believe we are defined by the sum of all our action- good and/or bad. we don't get to pick and chose because we've done them all at one point.

 

 

that being said, it's obvious that you can't extricate yourself from this affair. you wanna do the right thing and keep your thinly veiled concept that your a "good" person? either come clean to your husband and work on your marriage, or do your husband a favor by getting a divorce and pursue this fantasy of yours with your supposed star-crossed lover. that is what "good" people do- they do the right thing even though it might hurt.

[Grapesofwrath]

Can you explain why you prefer to stay married to someone you don't romantically love and risking losing someone you really do love? So many people with kids divorce. While not ideal, they survive.

 

I am just really trying to wrap my brain around why so many choose to have OW/OM, profess their love for them but really have no intention of having anything other than an affair with them? I am not being rude. I am genuinely curious.

 

 

I struggle with this one all the time, as this is precisely what MM says to me. As I wade through the morass, I think it comes down to cake-eating and avoiding consequences.

 

I am divorced myself, and have kids. Getting divorced, especially with young kids, is one of the most excruciating experiences a person can have. Abject pain on many levels (mine also featured financial devastation as my XH had amassed a mountain of debt, unbeknownst to me, and I learned that once we started meeting with lawyers. Next stop...bankruptcy court!) Being unable to see your kids every day is torture.

 

I can see why a person, man or woman, would want to avoid this. It's a nightmare, and one that lasts for years. I can see how if one were merely bored or moderately unfulfilled in marriage, and one could have someone on the side that would bring happiness and excitement, it would be very tempting to figure out a way to rationalize in order to avoid the upheaval of divorce and still get all the good stuff.

 

My marriage sucked, and so I ended it. Not to be with someone else, just to be alone. Ultimately, I think you have to get to a point where you honestly believe that being alone is better than being in that marriage. Then you get divorced.

[Grapesofwrath]

And to the OP: My paternal grandfather had an affair with the same MOW for 25 years. My grandmother knew, as did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, etc., and no one confronted them about it. They both stayed married to their respective spouses until their deaths (granted, this was decades ago and divorce was more stigmatized back then.) Her husband was fairly well-off, so she even went so far as to buy my father a car when he was old enough to drive. I'd call that a long-term monogamous affair.

[SummerMints]

Thank you for the response.

You are right, it is a pattern.

It's an incredibly selfish way to get that High.

[SummerMints]

This letter comes off as overly dramatic and you sound needy. All this does is leave the door open, puts him on some (unworthy) pedestal, and keeps you stuck right where you are.

 

I hope you haven't sent this drivel.

 

Sadly, like a desperate 16 year old, I did send that crappy crazy embarrassing needy letter to him. And we are both still essentially doing NC except at our weekly orchestra rehearsals (were we met in the first place) and that's all.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for the response.

It's an incredibly selfish way to get that High.

 

Good for you.

 

Not only did you acknowledge it, you responded to it. That's far more balls than most people who step out of their relationships do on this site.

 

Far more often then not, they justify, justify, justify justify. Then their world crashes and they get mad. Not remorseful (right away) just mad. Mad at their spouses, mad at their AP, mad at "the system" that's "screwing them." Mad at other posters.... on and on.

 

Most people have an incredibly hard time reconciling "what they like" with the fact that it has consequences intended, unintended, positive and negative.

 

I don't recommend switching to cookies either though. Lots of negative consequences with cookies.

 

How are you feeling these days SM?

[SummerMints]

Good for you.

 

Not only did you acknowledge it, you responded to it. That's far more balls than most people who step out of their relationships do on this site.

 

Far more often then not, they justify, justify, justify justify. Then their world crashes and they get mad. Not remorseful (right away) just mad. Mad at their spouses, mad at their AP, mad at "the system" that's "screwing them." Mad at other posters.... on and on.

 

Most people have an incredibly hard time reconciling "what they like" with the fact that it has consequences intended, unintended, positive and negative.

 

I don't recommend switching to cookies either though. Lots of negative consequences with cookies.

 

How are you feeling these days SM?

 

I will never justify. There was never a question of whether I should be having the affair in the first place; it's a given that it's wrong and hurtful and can have consequences. However those are my crosses to bear and everyone is entitled to throw however many stones they like, inside the forum. I genuinely appreciate all the feedback, because as I wrote in that pathetic letter, I could not think straight and so it's invaluable to listen to everyone else.

 

Maybe there is a psychopathic element in me: I lacked/lack the remorse and fear. I definitely focus on satisfying my needs ahead of those of others.

 

It was certainly very hard. Sense of self worth was at an all time low, but as a mother of young children and part time career woman I carry on.

 

Maybe therapy is the answer... Will get some when im ready.

[dreamingoftigers]

I will never justify. There was never a question of whether I should be having the affair in the first place; it's a given that it's wrong and hurtful and can have consequences. However those are my crosses to bear and everyone is entitled to throw however many stones they like, inside the forum. I genuinely appreciate all the feedback, because as I wrote in that pathetic letter, I could not think straight and so it's invaluable to listen to everyone else.

 

Maybe there is a psychopathic element in me: I lacked/lack the remorse and fear. I definitely focus on satisfying my needs ahead of those of others.

 

It was certainly very hard. Sense of self worth was at an all time low, but as a mother of young children and part time career woman I carry on.

 

Maybe therapy is the answer... Will get some when im ready.

 

Hi SM,

 

In my vast years of experience, all 32 of them, ()

 

I think that most people have an element of "psychopathy."

 

I notice a lack of remorse on my husband's behalf as well.

 

However, he also had a total trainwreck childhood. Which isn't an "excuse" or what have you. But the major earmarker to that childhood was shame and emotional outbursts from the mother that adopted him.

 

He was made to be responsible for her emotional state.

 

When that happens to a child they go one of two ways, they either become overly empathetic to the point of allowing whatever form of torture and believe it to be their fault. (I.e. me, throughout my youth and I have had to untangle that nightmare into adulthood).

 

OR, in order to survive, it somewhat stunts their emotional growth and they sort of "short-circuit." It's the best way that I can describe it.

 

In a sense, what I see in a lot of wayward spouses is the sense that they must preserve the "structure" of the family and relationship, yet the substance may be lacking, they feel 'something' is unmet but can't quite put together what it is. And if they can put together what it is, they don't tend to approach their spouse about what their spouse can do to help with it.

 

And if.... they do approach their spouse, it is often vague, OR they really do hack at it, but don't stand by what they need wholeheartedly and just......shut down, and seek what they want outside.

 

So what was missing?

 

The thrill, the closeness, dating, relaxation, something with sex?

 

Or was it something to do with acceptance?

 

Or was it something completely outside the scope of a partnership?

 

I often find that people who feel like victims and people who feel like they need "more" generally have a hard time articulating it. They just feel the "urge."

 

In my husband's case, he is so cut off from some of his feelings that unless he clearly clearly sits down and focuses on them, he can't even figure out what is driving him mad. My father is the same way but my father is even further behind in discovering that he has some culpability in his own feelings.

 

It's a strange, hard lesson.

 

I am not trying to shove a bunch of stuff in your face etc. Just showing that it isn't necessarily some awful, inherent flaw where you would hunt someone down in the night or whatever.

 

A LOT of people have difficulty integrating their feelings with their experience and contextualizing it.

 

Then we do self-destructive things in the name of feeling better.

When in truth, a lot of our feelings are best soothed by managing them and soothing ourselves as much as we can, and turning to our partner for the more socially/acceptance needs.

 

Tough call sometimes.

[AngeliqueC]

To get back to the original question for just a moment, yes, there are such things as long term, monogamous affairs. I've been the OW for over 20 years, and yes, it's been monogamous (for sure on my end, pretty sure on his too).

[Marchhare]

The one constant I noticed is the OP never once acknowledged that her BH and family consented to her A. She talked about "consenting" adults but conveniently and I am sure by design has ignored that her Betrayed family did NOT consent. OP refuses to acknowledge their place in her A.

OP has ignored all questions by posters calling her out, yet acknowledges those who give her a shred of support.

You've cheated, and will not grant your BH the right to consent to stay married or to divorce. You consented to the A, so fair is fair, let him know so he can decide for himself.

Spare me the platitudes on it will hurt him and the kids, OP you've already done so by consenting to cheat.

Let him choose because he deserves to know WHAT he is married too.

I am sure you will ignore this post as you have the ones before.

Give him fairness and allow him the opportunity for an open marriage.

Fair is fair, imagine him sleeping with another woman. You are a hypocrite if you dont tell him.

You aren't faithful, so I doubt you will be fair.

Enjoy your little high school romance at your BETRAYED family's expense.

Grow up and be honest for once in your life.