Is there such a thing as Long-term Monogamous Affair?

[DKT3]

Can you explain why you prefer to stay married to someone you don't romantically love and risking losing someone you really do love? So many people with kids divorce. While not ideal, they survive.

 

I am just really trying to wrap my brain around why so many choose to have OW/OM, profess their love for them but really have no intention of having anything other than an affair with them? I am not being rude. I am genuinely curious.

 

Also, if you don't mind. Can you explain what it means to love your husband but not romantically love him? This is commonly said by MM/MW. What does that mean? When did you stop romantically loving him? I often wonder if what people really mean is that they no longer have the butterflies, the infatuation they had when they first got together. That really isn't sustainable in any real relationship long term. The affair brings passion, the thrill of hiding, fear of discovery. Things you aren't going to get in a relationship with your husband. Is this completely off base?

 

Do you want to try to repair your marriage. My advice is to seek independent counseling.

 

I think its hard for a lot of women to be sexually involved with more then one man at a time. So once the become intimate with the new man all their focus goes there and they will slowly cut the husband off as OM replaces him as her primary lover.

 

I have heard WW's say so many times that they actually feel like sex with husband feels like cheating.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think its hard for a lot of women to be sexually involved with more then one man at a time. So once the become intimate with the new man all their focus goes there and they will slowly cut the husband off as OM replaces him as her primary lover.

 

I have heard WW's say so many times that they actually feel like sex with husband feels like cheating.

 

Sort of depends on the focus of the sex (whether more casual or part of a relationship). I've been in both places.

 

I do think it's one of those men things with brain boxes that don't touch each other/compartmentalization. And for women, everything is connected to Absolutely. Everything. Else.

[awkward]

I think its hard for a lot of women to be sexually involved with more then one man at a time. So once the become intimate with the new man all their focus goes there and they will slowly cut the husband off as OM replaces him as her primary lover.

 

I have heard WW's say so many times that they actually feel like sex with husband feels like cheating.

 

I too am a woman and would not be able to have more than one sexual partner. However, I would not cheat on my husband even if he was a horrible husband. I would divorce him. Then I would take time, and I mean a lot of time to recover from my divorce before even contemplating dating again. I have a toddler so it is likely I wouldn't be seriously involved with someone for a long time.

 

With that said, I have been with my husband for over 25 years. I am aware that marriage has its ups and downs. We work through it. I would divorce him if he ever cheated though. I see what women here have to put up with and I wouldn't be strong enough to do it.

[DKT3]

Sort of depends on the focus of the sex (whether more casual or part of a relationship). I've been in both places.

 

I do think it's one of those men things with brain boxes that don't touch each other/compartmentalization. And for women, everything is connected to Absolutely. Everything. Else.

 

I don't think its common for a married woman to risk so much for casual sex.

 

The thing that strikes me here, is she is fully aware this is some kind of teenage type fantasy thing.

[Hope Shimmers]

However, I would not cheat on my husband even if he was a horrible husband. I would divorce him. Then I would take time, and I mean a lot of time to recover from my divorce before even contemplating dating again.

 

I'm with you on that one. I was in a physically and verbally/emotionally abusive marriage for 15+ years and I did not cheat. Nothing would have made me cheat. I divorced him.

 

OP, cheating only makes things much more difficult. If you have marriage problems, resolve them and not by having an affair.

 

I think you have unrealistic expectations of 'romantic love'.

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't think its common for a married woman to risk so much for casual sex.

 

The thing that strikes me here, is she is fully aware this is some kind of teenage type fantasy thing.

 

No, I didn't mean that I thought she was having casual sex. Clearly she is very emotionally involved. Just meant that in some cases, women may be like men in that way and have more than one partner - but not in a relationship situation. But that is more rare, I'm sure.

[Lurkeraspect]

No. My husband has no idea that I'm not really romantically in love with him. Like most women, I'm very good at pretending.

 

And no, money is most definitely not an issue here. Like I said I'm a healthcare provider and so a high-earner.

 

Yes I am a vey self absorbed and selfish sort of person- what other kind of person would cheat?

 

All of this leads me back to, what exactly do you want? An affair with a MM who is willing to cheat with you, yet not have sex with his wife? Seems a bit unrealistic and the unicorn of relationships.

 

Good luck with that. So, you love your husband, don't want to divorce, he's a great dad, want to cheat, and expect the other MM to remain faithful only to

you. I think I've got it.

 

I think you're living in la la land. You're better off, divorcing you blah husband, letting him find a woman who truly loves him, co parent your kids, and having as many sexual relationships that you want.

 

I feel really bad for your husband, you know, the one you claim to love.

[SleekArchitecture]

Yes, unfortunately I am in one. My AP just left and it is maddening I cannot have him to myself. I read your post and it is going to be difficult when he finds the one and you love him but remained married. It is a difficult situation and quite a different one you are engaged with.

[whichwayisup]

DKT3:

I know the deal. I know I'm that despicable CS who wants the cake and more. My husband is a wonderful man who loves our children more than he loves me. I found attention and affection in the OM and he honestly makes me feel alive and full of life. However I will not leave my children or my husband, at least not now, and I cannot predict what will happen say in ten years time- if I will be even more selfish than I already am right now.

 

Chances are, your husband will clue in that you've changed and are emotionally distant from him, he very well could be suspicious now... He just would never peg you to cheat on him... But I'm sure he knows something isn't right but can't figure it out..Yet. Sooner or later your husband WILL find out about your affair.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You are writing your own future... Plain as that.

 

We have tried NC 3 times... failed 3 times. He tried online dating to meet "my replacement", he calls it, ended up having a very short fling with a woman and currently we are still seeing each other occasionally.

 

Doesn't sound like he's never done this before; doesn't sound like a case of meeting the love of your life; sounds like he's a cake eater and needs others to sacrifice at his expense to feel "loved".

 

Run. I think he's treating you atleast as bad as you are treating your husband. But, hey... If it feels good....

[SummerMints]

Yes, unfortunately I am in one. My AP just left and it is maddening I cannot have him to myself. I read your post and it is going to be difficult when he finds the one and you love him but remained married. It is a difficult situation and quite a different one you are engaged with.

 

I am dreading it, yet hating myself for not wishing him all the best in finding a woman who can be with him openly all the time.

 

Really appreciate all the comments here: when on an affair no one can think straight or rationally.

 

Y'all have given me the courage to do this: I need to let him go and find love for himself. So long term affair with him is not going to work for me. Because I'm not brave enough right now to leave my current family to be with him. I know it sounds awful but I still believe never say never, who knows how I may feel a few years down the track. Of course by then he's moved on and I will need to accept that.

[SummerMints]

No, I didn't mean that I thought she was having casual sex. Clearly she is very emotionally involved. Just meant that in some cases, women may be like men in that way and have more than one partner - but not in a relationship situation. But that is more rare, I'm sure.

 

I've gotta be completely honest: initially it was an emotional affair which led to a full blown one that was mostly about the sex. But like you said yourself.. Women rarely separate the physical from the emotional attachments.

[Arieswoman]

Q.Is there such a thing as Long-term Monogamous Affair?

 

A. No. If it is an affair, then how can it be monogamous ??

[loveboid]

Can you explain why you prefer to stay married to someone you don't romantically love and risking losing someone you really do love? So many people with kids divorce. While not ideal, they survive.

 

I am just really trying to wrap my brain around why so many choose to have OW/OM, profess their love for them but really have no intention of having anything other than an affair with them? I am not being rude. I am genuinely curious.

 

I am curious about this too.

[elaine567]

I don't want to do NC.. I see him at our weekly club meetings (it's an orchestra and I love playing in it and don't want to give that up). However am I going to be able to cope with him with a new woman? Or women? When they start appearing together?

 

Well that is what happens when you reject a person, they have to go find happiness elsewhere.

I am sure a lot of us would like to have arrangements that we could hook up with old flames once or twice a year, but we do not do it because it would get mighty complicated and because those new partners of our exes, do not need us bulldozing into their space.

This thrice yearly fantasy meet up of yours could mess up any other relationships he has, or would that be your intention? He stays loyal, waiting for you to pick him up three times a year.

Why on earth would you want to do that to him?

Let him go, you are being incredibly selfish about this. YOU could change this in an instant by leaving your husband but as YOU do not want to do this then you have to accept the consequences.

[SummerMints]

I am curious about this too.

 

Because, I hesitate before making the biggest life changing decision of my life. I have only known my AP/OM for a few years. I have known my husband for 15. Despite the head rush that is new love and lust, I still need to be 100% sure I want to head in that direction when there are children involved.

[SummerMints]

Well that is what happens when you reject a person, they have to go find happiness elsewhere.

I am sure a lot of us would like to have arrangements that we could hook up with old flames once or twice a year, but we do not do it because it would get mighty complicated and because those new partners of our exes, do not need us bulldozing into their space.

This thrice yearly fantasy meet up of yours could mess up any other relationships he has, or would that be your intention? He stays loyal, waiting for you to pick him up three times a year.

Why on earth would you want to do that to him?

Let him go, you are being incredibly selfish about this. YOU could change this in an instant by leaving your husband but as YOU do not want to do this then you have to accept the consequences.

 

Yes I know myself it is a fantasy. But right now having that option of a fantasy makes me happy that I will still see him.

[Cinnimon]

Does your OP realize it's just a fantasy for you?

[purplesorrow]

Yes I know myself it is a fantasy. But right now having that option of a fantasy makes me happy that I will still see him.

 

I'm confused by the monogamous part of this. Do you expect your AP to only have sex the few times a year that you see him? Who would agree to that? Are you going to stop having sex with your husband?

[DKT3]

It all makes sense NOW. You won't give up your husband not because of the kids, but because you still want him to fill part of your needs, while having this other guy fill other needs.

 

The offer of an open marriage would be something you (yes YOU) would be interested in if it were true that you were staying for the kids, but your not. So the idea of an open marriage doesn't appeal to YOU because it would run the risk of your husband being with another maybe one better then you, prettier then you, more sexy then you.

 

I honestly don't believe you love either man beyond what they can offer you. The husband offers the ideal family life, maybe he is a guy that all your girlfriends say is amazing, other compliment you on the great family you have. This other guy offers excitement fun and a link to the teenager you left behind long ago.

 

Sadly, in the end the odds say you will lose them both.

[SummerMints]

I'm confused by the monogamous part of this. Do you expect your AP to only have sex the few times a year that you see him? Who would agree to that? Are you going to stop having sex with your husband?

 

According some websites the definition of a long term monogamous affair is: a long running affair between two persons, who have their own stable relationships but are involved in a romantic affair relationship with each other, and no one else.

 

So yes, I intend to carry on my life with my husband and family and so does my AP with his (soon to be found) stable relationship partner, and we see each other a few times a year. Like in the romanticised movie Same Time Next Year. That is our agreement thus far. I was just wondering if there are others out there in this situation.

[loveboid]

...we see each other a few times a year. Like in the romanticised movie Same Time Next Year. That is our agreement thus far. I was just wondering if there are others out there in this situation.

 

People reportedly meet at out-of-town business conferences, probably regularly once or twice a year. That might be most common and close to what you're talking about.

[jbrent890]

According some websites the definition of a long term monogamous affair is: a long running affair between two persons, who have their own stable relationships but are involved in a romantic affair relationship with each other, and no one else.

 

So yes, I intend to carry on my life with my husband and family and so does my AP with his (soon to be found) stable relationship partner, and we see each other a few times a year. Like in the romanticised movie Same Time Next Year. That is our agreement thus far. I was just wondering if there are others out there in this situation.

 

This really brings home to me that you need serious therapy. For you to risk destroying your family to emulate a movie is very disturbing. DKT, I think we all knew what this was about from the beginning. Even if her husband was interested in an open marriage, she wouldn't give him that option because this is about her getting her way. OP, I don't think I have to tell you that your husband deserves better than this. It pains me that you can do everything right as a man and a spouse and still get stuck with a wife that cheats. I'm not going lie, I hope and pray that you do get caught so your husband can find someone better. This thread really is making my stomach turn.

[Cinnimon]

I don't think it will last very long. The op will find a woman who will be fresh and new to him and he will start fading the A out. He will find a woman that will be there full time and his attention and "services" will be devoted to her.

[SummerMints]

I guess every life is different. And everyone has different levels of acceptable code of morality. I'm not trying to defend myself, never have, just trying to sound off my ideas. We are all consenting adults and yes the price is very high when I get found out. But that is my price to pay and this is my life to live.

If I am a person with a totally clean and clear conscience then I wouldn't be here with the post, and so far all your comments have been extremely helpful.