Is there such a thing as Long-term Monogamous Affair?

[DKT3]

I guess every life is different. And everyone has different levels of acceptable code of morality. I'm not trying to defend myself, never have, just trying to sound off my ideas. We are all consenting adults and yes the price is very high when I get found out. But that is my price to pay and this is my life to live.

If I am a person with a totally clean and clear conscience then I wouldn't be here with the post, and so far all your comments have been extremely helpful.

 

Sorry but your husband isn't consenting. You have given him no say in this extra relationship, no say in protecting himself from STD or caring for another mans child.

 

This is not a case of consenting adults. This is a case of someone being tricked into staying in a marriage that he would likely not be in if he was armed with the truth and saw his REAL wife, and not the cheater pretending to care for him.

 

If there was a moral struggle you would be here asking how you could make this right, not for how and if you can continue to do it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I guess every life is different. And everyone has different levels of acceptable code of morality. I'm not trying to defend myself, never have, just trying to sound off my ideas. We are all consenting adults and yes the price is very high when I get found out. But that is my price to pay and this is my life to live.

 

It's also your husband's life that you are affecting, so your decisions and consent are not just impacting you. You don't get to act like a single person after you get married - that's what you give up in order to have that one special person who loves only you. Which seems to be working in only one direction in your case.

 

Some people want to get caught, at some level. That may be you.

 

I think you have the cart ahead of the horse. Why don't you wait and see what happens when your OM/affair partner finds someone to be in a relationship with. If he's still into this 'same time next year' thing with you, then perhaps you can address it. For now it's pie in the sky, because his romantic feelings will most likely be directed at her and not you when that happens. Good luck.

[MissBee]

Hi all,

 

First time posting, am a bit nervous but really would appreciate your feedback.

 

I'm married and mother of 3 preschool children. i work part time as a professional health care provider, live in a nice house in a nice suburb with the white picket fence. I've always thought I was happy.. until I met the OM.

 

He also has 3 older children, was in an unhappy relationship with his de facto partner whom he says is emotionally manipulative. He's never been with anyone else. We are in the same club.. eventually discovered that we have similar interests and tastes, and we remained friends first for almost 2 years before we mutually developed something more and contemplated getting intimate physically. Then it gathered momentum FAST.

 

Two months after we talked about crossing the line he left his partner. That was a HUGE shock... i didn't see it coming and he told me he did it for himself, that the relationship was doomed for a long time. But still. Then we started getting physical and it's become like an addiction. No one else has any idea at all. It certainly sounds cliche but because of our shared interest (same club) and taste in books etc and the fact that this is forbidden the times together are absolutely magical and incomparable.

 

We have tried NC 3 times... failed 3 times. He tried online dating to meet "my replacement", he calls it, ended up having a very short fling with a woman and currently we are still seeing each other occasionally.

 

I am insanely jealous at the thought of him doing online dating to find others... but i shouldn't be... we talked about long term monogamous affair where we only see each other twice or three times a year even if he's in a relationship... could that work?

 

If he is is another relationship and so are you, it wouldn't really be a long term monogamous affair.

 

I'll be frank: I don't think this plan is feasible.

 

I doubt you guys will have such self-control as to only see each other 3 times a year (especially if you live in the same place). Also, if he is seeing someone else and you're married, like I said, it's not technically a longterm monogamous affair, as even if you for example are not sleeping with your spouse, if he's in another relationship I imagine he would be.

 

I don't think most people plan consciously to be in longterm affairs, many who end up in longterm affairs simply got too attached to let go and invested so much that they just gave up on the idea of finding anyone else (as the OW/OM). It seems most people eventually get frustrated with it though and then end up wanting an open, full and actual monogamous relationship with someone who can offer the same. I think that when both people are married it's more of a possibility that the affair can go on for the longterm whereas if one is married and the other isn't it seems like eventually the OM/OW begins to desire more.

[dreamingoftigers]

You seriously are just going to deprive your husband who hasn't done anything wrong the chance at a partner who actually intimately cares for him because you don't want to capsize The Lust Boat.

 

It isn't about moral relativity.

 

It's sociopathic.

 

People that do this should be forced to wear a chastity belt until they can be educated on how to treat others regarding sexual consent.

 

How dare you! How dare you waste someone's life because you want to take out a lease on a different set of private parts.

 

How immature and inconsiderate.

 

I don't even think that people who do this should be allowed to raise children because of the attitude they role-model. How totally toxic.

[Woggle]

Monogamous affair is an oxymoron.

[SummerMints]

Hi all,

Thank you all for reading and commenting.

Just an update on things:

My OM (who's been newly single and separated from his original partner for 10 months now) and I have set this date before the Easter break. I was to spend an evening at his place. It may very well be our last time together forever, as he may choose to not see me and carry on the affair once he finds a woman that fulfills his needs.

 

However hr just went on a supposedly friendly date with another frmajw friend last night, (twice divorced, older in age than him, and stated that there would be no de before marriage for religious reasons) and he slept with her.

 

He says he's feeling awful that he betrayed me.

 

I feel that what all of you here have been saying is true.

 

I should wake up and leave.

[DKT3]

Hi all,

Thank you all for reading and commenting.

Just an update on things:

My OM (who's been newly single and separated from his original partner for 10 months now) and I have set this date before the Easter break. I was to spend an evening at his place. It may very well be our last time together forever, as he may choose to not see me and carry on the affair once he finds a woman that fulfills his needs.

 

However hr just went on a supposedly friendly date with another frmajw friend last night, (twice divorced, older in age than him, and stated that there would be no de before marriage for religious reasons) and he slept with her.

 

He says he's feeling awful that he betrayed me.

 

I feel that what all of you here have been saying is true.

 

I should wake up and leave.

Wake up and leave? Your husband? That would be a good idea, I think he would be happier in the long run when he was able to find a woman in which he is good enough to be her only man.

[georgia girl]

Summer Mints,

 

 

Your posts to me speak a lot of romantic fantasy. The reality is that there are real people in your situation. A guy who has slept with someone on his first date but then tells you about it and feels like he cheated on you? A husband who you have emotionally downplayed but if he found out, I think you would be crushed to see how much hurt that caused him and you would realize just how very much you love him. And children who are always somehow caught in the middle of their parents' mistakes.

 

 

In life, we have two options. We can author our own successes or we can script our own disasters. What we choose to do comes down to the decisions we make. Those decisions have to include consideration of all people in our lives and the potential outcomes. That's what we as grownups do. You have now romanticized this idea like it would be some cheap Hollywood film. Life doesn't work like that. Not real life with real people with real obligations and with real consequences.

 

 

Please take stock in what you're doing, proposing to do and its potential outcomes. I just feel like you are someone who could potentially have everything and then one day realize that you squandered it away on a fantasy. I just don't think this guy is worth gambling away your life for.

 

 

But to answer your initial question: no. Realistically, two people cannot long-term be fulfilled by seeing someone they love just once or twice a year. Eventually, they have to heal and move on from that love and will find someone else to fill in the gaps. Life isn't what happens during those two-to-three times a year; it's what happens in-between. Unfortunately, if you re-watch your movie, you'll notice they don't spend a whole lot of time on the in-between times. That's because it's genuinely a fantasy.

 

 

Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi all,

Thank you all for reading and commenting.

Just an update on things:

My OM (who's been newly single and separated from his original partner for 10 months now) and I have set this date before the Easter break. I was to spend an evening at his place. It may very well be our last time together forever, as he may choose to not see me and carry on the affair once he finds a woman that fulfills his needs.

 

However hr just went on a supposedly friendly date with another frmajw friend last night, (twice divorced, older in age than him, and stated that there would be no de before marriage for religious reasons) and he slept with her.

 

He says he's feeling awful that he betrayed me.

 

I feel that what all of you here have been saying is true.

 

I should wake up and leave.

 

Out of the four players in this sad scenario, yes, a betrayal took place.

 

But it wasn't him betraying you.

 

It's you betraying your husband.

 

You are the betrayer. Regardless of "how it feels" or whatever "moral relativity" BS you want to come up with you are betraying him.

 

betray

[bih-trey]

Synonyms Examples Word Origin

verb (used with object)

1.

to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty:

Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.

2.

to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling:

to betray a trust.

3.

to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to:

to betray one's friends.

4.

to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence:

to betray a secret.

5.

to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal):

Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.

6.

to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose:

an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.

7.

to deceive, misguide, or corrupt:

a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.

[bentleychic]

I think a monogamous affair IS possible, but only in such instances in which the affair partner's significant others/spouses are unable/unwilling to be intimate with them. If the affair partner's are having intimacy/intercourse with someone else (even if it is a spouse), it's not monogamous.

[elaine567]

 

However hr just went on a supposedly friendly date with another frmajw friend last night, (twice divorced, older in age than him, and stated that there would be no de before marriage for religious reasons) and he slept with her.

 

He says he's feeling awful that he betrayed me.

 

I feel that what all of you here have been saying is true.

 

I should wake up and leave.

 

Sorry what does the text in bold mean?

[truncated]

I guess every life is different. And everyone has different levels of acceptable code of morality. I'm not trying to defend myself, never have, just trying to sound off my ideas. We are all consenting adults and yes the price is very high when I get found out. But that is my price to pay and this is my life to live.

If I am a person with a totally clean and clear conscience then I wouldn't be here with the post, and so far all your comments have been extremely helpful.

 

 

You are wrong about one major point.

 

You are not all consenting adult, nor are you even all adults.

 

You husband did not consent to this. He did not consent to sharing you with someone, or to potentially exposing himself to diseases, to having his family blown apart, to having his trust shattered, to who knows what kind of crazy behavior from om should he lash out.

 

You kids are not adults and most certainly did not consent to this.What you are doing could have far reaching effects on them, probably more than you realize or would like to think about. Should you get caught, they will have to lve through the upheaval that will most likely happen, be that divorcing or reconciling.

 

You have zero idea of what the outcome of all of this could be, yet you are willing to expose these people to who knows what just so you can have a brief fling every once in a while.

 

Is that really who you are way deep down in your heart of hearts, or is lust overriding your usual logic and morality?

[awkward]

Sorry what does the text in bold mean?

 

She was probably using her phone. This is how it read to me:

 

However he just went on a supposedly friendly date with another female friend last night, (twice divorced, older in age than him, and stated that there would be no sex before marriage for religious reasons) and he slept with her.

[HowdidIGetHere15]

According some websites the definition of a long term monogamous affair is: a long running affair between two persons, who have their own stable relationships but are involved in a romantic affair relationship with each other, and no one else.

 

So yes, I intend to carry on my life with my husband and family and so does my AP with his (soon to be found) stable relationship partner, and we see each other a few times a year. Like in the romanticised movie Same Time Next Year. That is our agreement thus far. I was just wondering if there are others out there in this situation.

 

You're not a bad person, and there are tons of people in very similar situations. Far more than what these people seem to imagine, but that's because their friends, or coworkers likely haven't revealed it to them. If you'd like to chat privately, let me know. We are very much alike.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're not a bad person, and there are tons of people in very similar situations. Far more than what these people seem to imagine, but that's because their friends, or coworkers likely haven't revealed it to them. If you'd like to chat privately, let me know. We are very much alike.

 

Oh great, let's encourage this.

 

Let's see just how many kids we can completely screw up and good husbands can get abused and burned to the point where they can no longer trust in an intimate relationship.

 

And let's do it because "other people are doing it too, it's just private."

[HowdidIGetHere15]

Oh great, let's encourage this.

 

Let's see just how many kids we can completely screw up and good husbands can get abused and burned to the point where they can no longer trust in an intimate relationship.

 

And let's do it because "other people are doing it too, it's just private."

 

Unless you are in someone's shoes you can't know what you'd do or be capable of. I don't expect anyone who hasn't been there to understand and it doesn't matter. I understand and I have the right to express that. She is human and not a bad person. Accept that or don't. It doesn't change the fact.

[dreamingoftigers]

Unless you are in someone's shoes you can't know what you'd do or be capable of. I don't expect anyone who hasn't been there to understand and it doesn't matter. I understand and I have the right to express that. She is human and not a bad person. Accept that or don't. It doesn't change the fact.

 

Honey, I know EXACTLY what I am capable of. I know that everyone has limits, tolerances and preferences.

 

She may not be "a bad person" but the behaviour is reprehensible.

 

And it is reprehensible because of the unnecessary, searing pain and risk it causes others and herself, even if she has lost the bigger picture to the point where she may not realize it.

 

Don't confuse my position with a lack of empathy for feeling unfulfilled or lonely in some way. Or for her not realizing that she has an internal struggle or a conscience that she appears to be entirely muting.

 

But as the child and wife of adulterers, as one who has struggled with issues dealing with faithfulness and made very clear decisions for very clear reasons of not wanting to pass that pain forward I stand exactly where I stand.

 

She is a role-model for her kids, a mate to her husband and potentially holding back another man's chance to find a full relationship because she won't make a responsible adult decision to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

Is it tough? Every. Damn. Day is tough.

 

Live it or don't. Hiding from it and having others prop up your life to get your drug or choice, (in this case adultery) is no life for anyone.

 

Don't you know where addicts get their high from? It's from their future moments of happiness and their family's happiness being sucked away so they can "feel good in the moment." Instead of doing constructive, responsible things to feel good.

 

How do I know? I chose hiking. I chose talking it out. If he wasn't going to give what I needed, I either need to examine what I need or be straight with him that it wouldn't work. None of this killing of his agency to make his own life. None of that unstable BS for my kid.

 

My father's affair was so nicely wrapped up, he thought he had it all covered. They all do. You all do.

 

Guess who found it. I DID. His daughter. Nice eh?

 

All it needs is one wrong phone call, one stray text. One parent from the school seeing x go into y's house. One, "oh I thought you weren't home and couldn't overhear that."

 

The thing about drugs of choice is that over time, they make you careless and stupid. Incredibly few people can manage their drug of choice, especially over time.

 

Just like a drunk that starts off as a social drinker.

 

Look how much this affair has already consumed. She wants to have it go monogamous and long-term now. Think it started that way? I doubt it.

[elaine567]

I think this "we need to break up but will hook up 3 times a year", is in the same mindset as what happens when people break up high school romances.

We cannot be together just now, but in a few years time we will meet up and see where that takes us...

 

It is a way of giving some hope, of lessening the impact that breaking up completely forever, would have.

 

He has already started to move on by sleeping with this other woman, once he is fully invested in another woman, or he finds single-hood to be fun and uncomplicated, then your chances of him wanting to meet up with you will be nil, or your "fantasy" love affair will start feeling like just another hook up for him.

I suggest you rip off the plaster and essentially go NC with him as far as possible, otherwise I think you are in for a lot of continuing heart ache.

[minimariah]

She is human and not a bad person. Accept that or don't. It doesn't change the fact.

 

what fact?

how can you possibly know if the OP is a good person & claim that to be a fact? do you know this person in RL, what are we missing here?

 

on topic - i know of one longterm monogamous A, it lasted for over 20 years until the death of one of the APs. however, they saw each other much more than just a couple of times a year. that being said - life is not a movie and your A (like any other relationship where people see each other THAT rarely) will probably die down with time. you may be an exception, of course... time will show.

Edited April 3, 2015 by minimariah

[elaine567]

I suppose it depends on how a person views the concept of "bad" or "good", can cheaters ever be seen as "good"?

"Right" or "wrong"?

[minimariah]

I suppose it depends on how a person views the concept of "bad" or "good", can cheaters ever be seen as "good"?

"Right" or "wrong"?

 

in my opinion, cheaters can be good people... yes.

having an A doesn't automatically make you Satan's spawn.

 

good people cheat, bad people cheat. they all have their own reasons and their own different situations. some divorce & stay with the AP - some lie for years and cakeeat.

 

too many different homes and too many of us living on this earth to draw any conclusions based solely on how someone behaves in their love life.

[dreamingoftigers]

in my opinion, cheaters can be good people... yes.

having an A doesn't automatically make you Satan's spawn.

 

good people cheat, bad people cheat. they all have their own reasons and their own different situations. some divorce & stay with the AP - some lie for years and cakeeat.

 

too many different homes and too many of us living on this earth to draw any conclusions based solely on how someone behaves in their love life.

 

I think there are far too many facets to people, and far to many glitches to label someone as "good/bad"

 

That's just too black and white for my taste.

 

But I can say that there are behaviours that are highly damaging and there are healthy beahviours and there are beahviours that have sort of a gray tinge to them.

 

This thread is an example of highly damaging behaviour.

[SummerMints]

You are wrong about one major point.

 

You are not all consenting adult, nor are you even all adults.

 

You husband did not consent to this. He did not consent to sharing you with someone, or to potentially exposing himself to diseases, to having his family blown apart, to having his trust shattered, to who knows what kind of crazy behavior from om should he lash out.

 

You kids are not adults and most certainly did not consent to this.What you are doing could have far reaching effects on them, probably more than you realize or would like to think about. Should you get caught, they will have to lve through the upheaval that will most likely happen, be that divorcing or reconciling.

 

You have zero idea of what the outcome of all of this could be, yet you are willing to expose these people to who knows what just so you can have a brief fling every once in a while.

 

Is that really who you are way deep down in your heart of hearts, or is lust overriding your usual logic and morality?

 

 

I am starting to wake up.

 

I want to be good for my family, especially my children.

NC will be so so hard but that's what I'm going to do.

I will still see my AP/OM/now single and dating man/my ex-lover, or whatever he is to me, at our orchestra rehearsals and I don't want to give that up just yet because music keeps me sane.. But might have to if it gets too much for me.

 

One of the comments rings true: he has already moved on. I need to rip the plaster off NOW.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts here.

I am most definitely not thinking straight.

[SummerMints]

I think there are far too many facets to people, and far to many glitches to label someone as "good/bad"

 

That's just too black and white for my taste.

 

But I can say that there are behaviours that are highly damaging and there are healthy beahviours and there are beahviours that have sort of a gray tinge to them.

 

This thread is an example of highly damaging behaviour.

 

And you know what..

Never say never. Until it happens to you, no one can say never never never.

[SummerMints]

Honey, I know EXACTLY what I am capable of. I know that everyone has limits, tolerances and preferences.

 

She may not be "a bad person" but the behaviour is reprehensible.

 

And it is reprehensible because of the unnecessary, searing pain and risk it causes others and herself, even if she has lost the bigger picture to the point where she may not realize it.

 

Don't confuse my position with a lack of empathy for feeling unfulfilled or lonely in some way. Or for her not realizing that she has an internal struggle or a conscience that she appears to be entirely muting.

 

But as the child and wife of adulterers, as one who has struggled with issues dealing with faithfulness and made very clear decisions for very clear reasons of not wanting to pass that pain forward I stand exactly where I stand.

 

She is a role-model for her kids, a mate to her husband and potentially holding back another man's chance to find a full relationship because she won't make a responsible adult decision to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

Is it tough? Every. Damn. Day is tough.

 

Live it or don't. Hiding from it and having others prop up your life to get your drug or choice, (in this case adultery) is no life for anyone.

 

Don't you know where addicts get their high from? It's from their future moments of happiness and their family's happiness being sucked away so they can "feel good in the moment." Instead of doing constructive, responsible things to feel good.

 

How do I know? I chose hiking. I chose talking it out. If he wasn't going to give what I needed, I either need to examine what I need or be straight with him that it wouldn't work. None of this killing of his agency to make his own life. None of that unstable BS for my kid.

 

My father's affair was so nicely wrapped up, he thought he had it all covered. They all do. You all do.

 

Guess who found it. I DID. His daughter. Nice eh?

 

All it needs is one wrong phone call, one stray text. One parent from the school seeing x go into y's house. One, "oh I thought you weren't home and couldn't overhear that."

 

The thing about drugs of choice is that over time, they make you careless and stupid. Incredibly few people can manage their drug of choice, especially over time.

 

Just like a drunk that starts off as a social drinker.

 

Look how much this affair has already consumed. She wants to have it go monogamous and long-term now. Think it started that way? I doubt it.

 

Believe it or not, I only just recently (3 years ago) found out my father has been unfaithful to my mother. When I first found out i was so furious I could not even look him in the eye at my younger sisters wedding. And look where I am now... Life is most definitely NOT black and white.