road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Thank you to everyone who posted, whether critical or supportive I read everything with an open mind. I agree that spouses should tell each other but my point was that their are some things I won't tell my husband if I know it's going to affect how he acts around, let's say a friends husband. I know a lot of things about their husbands and I don't tell mine because what purpose would it serve. It may make him uncomfortable. I mean if it's life threatening of course I would. But they told there husbands and now my husband doesn't even want to go golfing with them because he wasn't comfortable with them knowing. I told my friends this. I get that it's a burden and I should never have told them... But I think one of them told cause she needed to release it and the other one it was gossip! No more golf? The reason is not that they told their husbands that your were a WW that your BH does not want to golf with them. The reason is that you had an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Oh and the best part was that one of my friends was talking to my husband a few months ago because we had separated and he was looking for support. Which is totally okay with me. But here's the thing when she told me... She asked me not to tell him that he had texted her and that she'd told her husband!! Really? So she can tell her husband this? But I can't talk to mine..... Double standards!! What double standards? She told her husband which is the first step to affair proof her own marriage. She told you. She did no want to cause your BH embarrassment so she did not reveal that she told her husband and you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 What confuses me about this situation is your husbands reaction. There are many people of both sexes who would want nothing to do with mutual friends who all knew about him being betrayed and still socialized with him like nothing was wrong . Your friends probably eat in your house with your husband knoeing you were sleeping with another man. There are a lot of books that would say they are not friends of your marriage to him unless they tried to get you to stop. So your husbands desire to still have these women around surprises me , or at least that he would be upset that he does not see them all socially as much. As far as the coldness to you by their husbands. Infidelity is a major deal, you know that, and quite honestly there are some men who might not be too thrilled with thier wives going to GNO or girls week ends with someone they know betrayed their husband. They may even be kissed at their wives for not telling your husband . Everyone has different views on this so thee is no right or wrong. If my wife knew that one of my good friends wife was cheating on him, kept me in the dark , and said nothing I would be furious. Others may differ. Just as you should not be judged for having an affair, you should not judge their decisions and. Relationships with their spouses. Wrongly or rightly if you did not have an affair you would all still be good friends. You are human and we all make mistakes. Accept responsibility for yours Yes normal for a BH to feel your GF's remaining silent supported your PA and a form of them abusing your him. Also the same for the BH to feel the same about "his golf buddies". Were they laughing with him when he hit the ball into the water, or laughing at him knowing that as he was playing a round of golf with them. His WW was playing around. I think you are mad at your friends for you are blaming them for the increase in collateral damage from your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I'm not saying they shouldn't be forthright with their husbands, but I don't know how manyother people have friendships as long as we have. They are like sisters. Also they then asked me not to tell my husband that they told theirs. I have complete disclosure with MU husband now and we are working very hard to work it out. Was it also ok that they ask me to continue lying to my husband? You and them were wrong to keep secrets from your BH. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 He who has not sinned should cast the first stone. So here's the best part. My husband goes out with one of their husbands and I'm pretty sure he's messed around on her. My husband won't tell me for sure because he doesnt want that pressure on me that I would feel I need to tell her. If i really asked hed tell me but i dont want to know. So when her husband found out about me I think he is judging me because it's making him question his own choices. I don't know this for sure but I'm about 90% sure. If you distance yourself from a best friend of 33 years because of something she did in her OWN marriage than you were a fair weather friend to begin with. I think this is why those husbands did not want your BH to know that they know and never told him. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Their husbands now consider you a toxic friend and have probably had discussions with their wives that they don't want them being friends with you anymore. Not many men would want their wives hanging out with a cheater. Don't you find it a tad ironic that you're angry at someone for betrayal? I have read too many times were wives had friends that were in an affair and then convinced them that they too deserved some fun and should have an affair. What your husband does not know will not hurt him. Bam! Another BH was made. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 My friends knew the whole time about my affair and I wouldn't say they outwardly supported it but they would joke with me about my " boyfriend" Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 What did you decide to do about your friends? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 My friends knew the whole time about my affair and I wouldn't say they outwardly supported it but they would joke with me about my " boyfriend" So they didn't try and get you to end it? Didn't make you think about the consequences? Because friends of the marriage would do that. I'm glad you can see it's no joke now though. Any friend of my H who joked about his 'girlfriend ' wouldn't step a foot in my house again. (If he ever dared to have an A) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 So they didn't try and get you to end it? Didn't make you think about the consequences? Because friends of the marriage would do that. I'm glad you can see it's no joke now though. Any friend of my H who joked about his 'girlfriend ' wouldn't step a foot in my house again. (If he ever dared to have an A) OP, do you realize that you complain that these women who were your friends betrayed your trust when they told their husbands about your affair. Well these same woman and their husbands were your BH's friends and by them refusing to tell your BH that you were cheating on him that they betrayed your BH. I do not fault your BH if he goes NC with these people for the rest of his life after they betrayed him. Have you thought about this happening? What will you do if your BH goes NC with them? What will you do if your BH wants you to go NC with them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sammy7111 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 So you want your friends to ly to there husband's to Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Ok I'm not being dramatic. I'm here for opinions not criticism... My suggestion is to focus more on your H and how he must feel instead of worrying about yourself. This is about healing for HIM and the M - if you stay so focused on being angry your not focused on HIS healing - you're just still thinking too much of yourself. Seriously, let it go with the friends for a while - the drama will cool down. Drama just means you're still keeping that ugly affair alive. What about how your husband feels? What about comforting him? You told them - this is one of the consequences of what you did. You're only as sick as your secrets... So they say - be glad it's out there. Have your H call them and go out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I just wanted to say that I think from the initial post Jos wrote she has been given an insight from others, as to why her friends did this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 A cheater feeling betrayed? How ironic. This is a classic case why affairs thrive in the dark and the fantasy is killed when it comes to light. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 It's almost a year since dday. I'm working on myself and my marriage and both are going really well. But for some reason the past few days I'm feeling sad about everything that happened. I lost a friendship that I relied on and loved. I'm still sad about that. Some days I'm great and feel so happy but then there are moments that I just get overwhelmed with sadness. It's definitely less frequent but is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Feel through the emotion, don't bury it. You will come through it, I know it can be very overwhelming. Take it one step at a time and focus on the positives of where your life is today. If it helps some of that positive thinking can be used as a measure against the negative that occurred in your life. I betcha you are happy that you are not going through those first days of Dday. Think about how far you have come and be proud:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 It's true. Those first few days and weeks were awful. I have come far. Sometimes things just trigger emotions in me...and if I don't bury it I don't know how to feel though it... Link to post Share on other sites
endingpage Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think it's normal to have ups and downs; that's life after all! Allow yourself to feel sad but only for a little while; then, get out there and do something that makes you happy. There is no time for self pity and no time to feel sad when life is so short and there's so many things you could do! You must have a bucket list you can start cracking away at! For example, whenever I feel sad, I plan my next trip and think about what I'll see or do next. You've come a long way! Stay strong! ((((hug)))) Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'm years out and still have triggers (very occasionally). A post on LS triggered me badly the other day, and I don't even know why. Harsh words from a total internet stranger who didn't have a clue about me or my situation and judged anyway. Certainly not the first time that's happened, but I was just in the wrong place for it that day. It's normal and it will happen, just like with ending any relationship. Feeling sad about the loss of someone you cared about makes you human. You are doing great Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'm so confused. I thought (reading your past comments) that you "hated" this man. Didn't he play you? Seduce you? I really don't understand what's to miss or be sad about. You truly dodged a bullet, Jos, and sounds like you have a good man and marriage worth fighting for. Why all the drama and sadness? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'm so confused. I thought (reading your past comments) that you "hated" this man. Didn't he play you? Seduce you? I really don't understand what's to miss or be sad about. You truly dodged a bullet, Jos, and sounds like you have a good man and marriage worth fighting for. Why all the drama and sadness? Would you stop with the word drama please? Seriously.... So you never have a bad day?? I'm human and I had a bad day, my daughter got hurt and I was in the ER and on the way back I saw him in his car and I just got sad and overwhelmed by everything....and I do hate him for things he did but I still have weak moments..... I really wish they wouldn't link old posts with new ones.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Would you stop with the word drama please? Seriously.... So you never have a bad day?? I'm human and I had a bad day, my daughter got hurt and I was in the ER and on the way back I saw him in his car and I just got sad and overwhelmed by everything....and I do hate him for things he did but I still have weak moments..... I really wish they wouldn't link old posts with new ones.... So sorry. Nix the "drama" word. Unfortunately, all we posters here on the Internet know is what you share. Sorry about your daughter (hope she's okay) and sorry you saw the MOM. Still not sure why you trigger on him after all your negative comments about him towards you. And yes, like every other human on the planet, I've had a bad day. Just know, that we can only respond to what you post. Hope tomorrow is a better day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 OK, so you have identified a trigger-when you are sad or overwhelmed you think of the OM- is it possible its not him as a person you miss, but the freeing feeling of a relationship where real life traumas don't intrude- where you just can turn off the day to day for a while- If this is the case, than you need to find a healthy way to deal with the day to day "emergencies"- read, work out, have a drink with your husband- for my husband and I we say, "I need a mini-vacation"- we will make drinks and cook together- even if its Tuesday night and we have to work the next day- one of us will hit the store and get fresh ingredients and we will blow off whatever it is that is stressful for a few hours and cook something great and have a drink (or two)- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 So sorry. Nix the "drama" word. Unfortunately, all we posters here on the Internet know is what you share. Sorry about your daughter (hope she's okay) and sorry you saw the MOM. Still not sure why you trigger on him after all your negative comments about him towards you. And yes, like every other human on the planet, I've had a bad day. Just know, that we can only respond to what you post. Hope tomorrow is a better day. I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound nasty. I guess I trigger because I did love him and I'm still trying to reprogram myself....I know your human too, so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Wow....this is exactly why i dont post much. Link to post Share on other sites
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