Feeling betrayed....

[purplesorrow]

Whilst I don't agree or support affairs, I wouldn't tell my H because he would certainly judge that friend and he really wouldn't want me hanging out with her anymore. I reckon he would see her as a bad influence and if he subsequently found out that I knew he would see that as me condoning the affair.

There is no way I'd want him to think that, because that could cause problems in my marriage.

 

 

So I'd be torn between what to do for that reason. TBH I'd likely distance myself from that friend. Then if my H found out later, I could say, yes she told me and I didn't agree so that's why we don't hang together anymore.

 

So you wouldn't be her friend because she cheated? Would you tell her that?

[Josmatjes]

He who has not sinned should cast the first stone.

 

So here's the best part. My husband goes out with one of their husbands and I'm pretty sure he's messed around on her. My husband won't tell me for sure because he doesnt want that pressure on me that I would feel I need to tell her. If i really asked hed tell me but i dont want to know. So when her husband found out about me I think he is judging me because it's making him question his own choices.

I don't know this for sure but I'm about 90% sure.

 

If you distance yourself from a best friend of 33 years because of something she did in her OWN marriage than you were a fair weather friend to begin with.

[SleekArchitecture]

He who has not sinned should cast the first stone.

 

So here's the best part. My husband goes out with one of their husbands and I'm pretty sure he's messed around on her. My husband won't tell me for sure because he doesnt want that pressure on me that I would feel I need to tell her. If i really asked hed tell me but i dont want to know. So when her husband found out about me I think he is judging me because it's making him question his own choices.

I don't know this for sure but I'm about 90% sure.

 

If you distance yourself from a best friend of 33 years because of something she did in her OWN marriage than you were a fair weather friend to begin with.

 

This may be your answer. Not all friends share all personal details within their marriage to each other. They pick and choose what to keep in the marriage. Her husband may have cheated on her and she found out and they decided not to share it. This could cause enormous turmoil and confusion with how she feels about your own infidelity. This is a long shot but always a possibility.

[Rainbowlove]

This may be your answer. Not all friends share all personal details within their marriage to each other. They pick and choose what to keep in the marriage. Her husband may have cheated on her and she found out and they decided not to share it. This could cause enormous turmoil and confusion with how she feels about your own infidelity. This is a long shot but always a possibility.

 

Possible.

 

I think exposed affairs scare the bejesus out of people.

 

They see the reality and uncertainty in life and how unpredictable and vulnerable we all are.

 

It's like holding a mirror up to everyone's face.

 

If it can happen to John and Jane Smith, it can happen to anyone.

[jwi71]

Possible.

 

I think exposed affairs scare the bejesus out of people.

 

They see the reality and uncertainty in life and how unpredictable and vulnerable we all are.

 

It's like holding a mirror up to everyone's face.

 

If it can happen to John and Jane Smith, it can happen to anyone.

 

 

 

 

I disagree. Its more pulling the veil away from oneself than holding a mirror to others.

 

 

For the OP - I would, as another put it, assume that what is told the friend is told the spouse. Nor would I feel betrayed by such.

 

 

If you want to know WHY your friend told - ask her. Lots of writing on this when the answer is easy to obtain....

[Rainbowlove]

I disagree. Its more pulling the veil away from oneself than holding a mirror to others.

 

 

For the OP - I would, as another put it, assume that what is told the friend is told the spouse. Nor would I feel betrayed by such.

 

 

If you want to know WHY your friend told - ask her. Lots of writing on this when the answer is easy to obtain....

 

You don't think when other couples see their close friends dealing with infidelity it sends a little chill down their spine and question their own security?

 

It does. Maybe not all, but for sure for many.

[whichwayisup]

If i really asked hed tell me but i dont want to know. So when her husband found out about me I think he is judging me because it's making him question his own choices.

I don't know this for sure but I'm about 90% sure.

 

Could be too, that this guy is shi.tting his pants thinking his wife is going to find out since your H knows what he's been up to. He's scared YOU know too and will tell his wife.

[jwi71]

You don't think when other couples see their close friends dealing with infidelity it sends a little chill down their spine and question their own security?

 

Why would it?

Why would the actions of one couple affect myself or others (in this sense)?

If I see my friends getting D or cheating must I now resist the urge myself? Worry that their failures can somehow now be my own? Ludicrous.

 

I would say that is an insecure person and an insecure M if the actions of others leads one down this path.

 

"If it could happen to them it could happen to me" is for the tenuous. Its only true if you (figurative) allow it to be. If one is secure in themselves and by all reasonable measures believe the M or R is - then this doesn't hold water.

 

My .02 if its worth even that.

[Rainbowlove]

Why would it?

Why would the actions of one couple affect myself or others (in this sense)?

If I see my friends getting D or cheating must I now resist the urge myself? Worry that their failures can somehow now be my own? Ludicrous.

 

I would say that is an insecure person and an insecure M if the actions of others leads one down this path.

 

"If it could happen to them it could happen to me" is for the tenuous. Its only true if you (figurative) allow it to be. If one is secure in themselves and by all reasonable measures believe the M or R is - then this doesn't hold water.

 

My .02 if its worth even that.

 

You are not completely understanding my point and that's okay.

 

I don't have .04 cents to try to explain it more

[Josmatjes]

You are not completely understanding my point and that's okay.

 

I don't have .04 cents to try to explain it more

 

I know what Your saying. I don't think it would directly effect people but indirectly I definitely think it takes you out of your comfort zone a bit.

[MJJean]

Ok let me explain again. Over 30 years best friends since wears 13! We ave been through more than you could even imagine. There is a code among friends that has nothing to do with husbands. Yes maybe they didn't approve but I wasn't looking for that I was looking for some insight as to what to do. It doesn't matter they blabbed and they shouldnt of. And yes my husband knows and he is also upset because the men stopped calling him. Jeez, we are human.

 

People should make sure they are perfect before they judge others! If a friendship ends over this then we were never friends.

 

Thank you!!! I trusted them and they betrayed that friendship. Should I say something?

 

I haven't read the thread yet, but I have an extra kid over and dinner cooking as well as a husband that will be coming home after a very long week, so I wanted to say what I was thinking before I get interrupted and forget.

 

If you feel hurt and betrayed, tell them! Try to tell them gently so as not to put them on the defensive and cause an argument unnecessarily.

 

However, I have to say that I don't tell anyone anything and expect them not to tell their spouse. And I have let more than a few people know that when they say "Don't tell anyone!" anything they tell me will likely be shared with my DH. I don't keep secrets from him. Mine or anyone else's. I see us as a single entity with two separate functioning parts. If you're telling me, you're telling him.

[MJJean]

He who has not sinned should cast the first stone.

 

So here's the best part. My husband goes out with one of their husbands and I'm pretty sure he's messed around on her. My husband won't tell me for sure because he doesnt want that pressure on me that I would feel I need to tell her. If i really asked hed tell me but i dont want to know. So when her husband found out about me I think he is judging me because it's making him question his own choices.

I don't know this for sure but I'm about 90% sure.

 

If you distance yourself from a best friend of 33 years because of something she did in her OWN marriage than you were a fair weather friend to begin with.

 

He, the possibly cheated friend husband, is probably scared that you'll find out for sure and tell his wife.

 

Possible.

If it can happen to John and Jane Smith, it can happen to anyone.

 

True that!

 

Why would it?

Why would the actions of one couple affect myself or others (in this sense)?

If I see my friends getting D or cheating must I now resist the urge myself? Worry that their failures can somehow now be my own? Ludicrous.

 

I would say that is an insecure person and an insecure M if the actions of others leads one down this path.

 

"If it could happen to them it could happen to me" is for the tenuous. Its only true if you (figurative) allow it to be. If one is secure in themselves and by all reasonable measures believe the M or R is - then this doesn't hold water.

 

My .02 if its worth even that.

 

If it could happen to them, it could happen to me is not some insecurity. It's the truth. How many people thought their marriages were bomb proof only to find out they've been betrayed? Countless.

 

And, of course, birds of a feather tend to flock together. If you know your spouse's close friend is having or has had an affair it's reasonable to take a look at your own spouse and wonder for a minute.

 

I have one friend who has had multiple affairs during her marriage. Yes, I did consider ending the friendship and we've been friends for over 21 years. When I found out she was betraying the trust of a good man who has done nothing wrong I had to wonder if she would betray me, too. I didn't end the friendship. I have taken some flack for it, too. A few friends and family members who also knew of her behavior asked me why I would want to be friends with a liar, cheater, and whore. All I could come up with is that she has a good heart, but her head isn't in the right place at the moment. *shrug*

 

To ease my own conscience because I genuinely like her husband, I told her I wouldn't tell him what I knew, but I wouldn't lie if he asked me directly.

[sandylee1]

So you wouldn't be her friend because she cheated? Would you tell her that?

 

I wouldn't say "I'm not going to be your friend because your cheating ". I'd just distance myself from her. I don't like too much drama, so no need for a big speech, but I'm sure she'd realise why I was stepping back.

 

I would tell her she's better than that and try very hard to get her to end the A. I'd explain that I would feel no longer be comfortable socialising (especially as couples ) and whilst I've known her for years, I'd also feel like I was betraying her H and if he found out I knew at a later stage, it could cause more problems.

 

The fact is affairs don't just ruin marriages, they can ruin friendships and family relationships as well. Something to bear in mind.

[sandylee1]

He who has not sinned should cast the first stone.

 

If you distance yourself from a best friend of 33 years because of something she did in her OWN marriage than you were a fair weather friend to begin with.

 

The thing is what she does in HER marriage, could impact on MY marriage. I don't think people in affairs realise how their actions affect more than just the married parties.

 

My biggest problem in your scenario would be to socialise as couples and act like everything was fine, while I knew she was having an affair. It wouldn't sit well with me and because I always believe these things come out and I don't want to appear to support the A.

 

It just looks like your all in it together and that I'm covering up the affair. If I was the BS here , I'd think my wife's friends were supporting her A, while I was in the dark and they were laughing at my expense. I'd have to distance myself, so as not to be a part of that.

 

If my H found out I knew all along, he would question my morals, and think that I'm capable of doing the same, that's how HER actions affect me.

 

The same way I'd be upset if he knew my friend was being cheated on and said nothing. I'd view it that he was condoning the affair, if he carried on hanging out with his friend.

[Rainbowlove]

 

If my H found out I knew all along, he would question my morals, and think that I'm capable of doing the same, that's how HER actions affect me.

 

The same way I'd be upset if he knew my friend was being cheated on and said nothing. I'd view it that he was condoning the affair, if he carried on hanging out with his friend.

 

This goes along the lines of the point I was trying to make but didn't have the .04 cents to find the right words.

 

Thank you, Sandylee.

[sandylee1]

He, the possibly cheated friend husband, is probably scared that you'll find out for sure and tell his wife.

 

 

 

True that!

 

 

 

If it could happen to them, it could happen to me is not some insecurity. It's the truth. How many people thought their marriages were bomb proof only to find out they've been betrayed? Countless.

 

And, of course, birds of a feather tend to flock together. If you know your spouse's close friend is having or has had an affair it's reasonable to take a look at your own spouse and wonder for a minute.

 

I have one friend who has had multiple affairs during her marriage. Yes, I did consider ending the friendship and we've been friends for over 21 years. When I found out she was betraying the trust of a good man who has done nothing wrong I had to wonder if she would betray me, too. I didn't end the friendship. I have taken some flack for it, too. A few friends and family members who also knew of her behavior asked me why I would want to be friends with a liar, cheater, and whore. All I could come up with is that she has a good heart, but her head isn't in the right place at the moment. *shrug*

 

To ease my own conscience because I genuinely like her husband, I told her I wouldn't tell him what I knew, but I wouldn't lie if he asked me directly.

 

Sorry, but I seriously question how a person that has multiple affairs has a good heart. How long has her head 'not been in the right place ' for

 

Or maybe she has a good heart towards everyone except her H. Because if my H had multiple affairs, I couldn't accept that he had a good heart.

[Josmatjes]

The thing is what she does in HER marriage, could impact on MY marriage. I don't think people in affairs realise how their actions affect more than just the married parties.

 

My biggest problem in your scenario would be to socialise as couples and act like everything was fine, while I knew she was having an affair. It wouldn't sit well with me and because I always believe these things come out and I don't want to appear to support the A.

 

It just looks like your all in it together and that I'm covering up the affair. If I was the BS here , I'd think my wife's friends were supporting her A, while I was in the dark and they were laughing at my expense. I'd have to distance myself, so as not to be a part of that.

 

If my H found out I knew all along, he would question my morals, and think that I'm capable of doing the same, that's how HER actions affect me.

 

The same way I'd be upset if he knew my friend was being cheated on and said nothing. I'd view it that he was condoning the affair, if he carried on hanging out with his friend.

 

I understand what your saying. But I really think it depends on the person. One of my husbands friends was cheating for years and he is now divorced but my husband still hung out with him. It didn't affect my marriage with my husband.

 

My friends telling their husbands affected our friendship. I'm sorry I think their are just things you shouldn't share if you know it's going to affect people. And I can bet a million to one they wish they could take it back, just like I wish I could take back this whole stupid affair!

[Josmatjes]

Just one more thought...... This affair has messed up my whole life.l... My marriage, my self esteem, my trust, I've lost a few good friends... All because I was selfish and was only thinking of myself. That is what affairs do! They are poison!! They poison your soul and everyone who comes into contact with it....it's awful and I wish I could have a Do over-everyday and I want people to know if they are in an affair get the hell out now and if your thinking about it please don't! Run run run and don't look back!!

[jwi71]

If it could happen to them, it could happen to me is not some insecurity. It's the truth. How many people thought their marriages were bomb proof only to find out they've been betrayed? Countless.

 

My own first M included.

 

 

If you know your spouse's close friend is having or has had an affair it's reasonable to take a look at your own spouse and wonder for a minute.

 

Wholeheartedly disagree. If you look at your spouse and wonder if they are cheating you have WAY bigger problems than the actions of this friend. That's a serious erosion of trust on your part in your partner - and its an insecure thought process as well. If any friend of my W's was having an A I wouldn't be wondering if my own W was cheating too. The two are NOT connected. They only become connected if one has suspicions/insecurity/erosion of trust in their spouse or M/R to begin with.

 

Again, figurative "you" and just my PoV.

[jwi71]

My friends telling their husbands affected our friendship. I'm sorry I think their are just things you shouldn't share if you know it's going to affect people. And I can bet a million to one they wish they could take it back, just like I wish I could take back this whole stupid affair!

 

I think this is something you want to explore within yourself.

 

I think, in time, provided you dig a bit (and you should) you will see this differently. It really doesn't affect your friendship unless you choose to allow it to affect your friendship. Give it some time and reflection. It may begin to clear up for you (hard to see clearly in the middle of all this crap).

[KingwoodMan]

Their husbands now consider you a toxic friend and have probably had discussions with their wives that they don't want them being friends with you anymore. Not many men would want their wives hanging out with a cheater. Don't you find it a tad ironic that you're angry at someone for betrayal?

[sandylee1]

I understand what your saying. But I really think it depends on the person. One of my husbands friends was cheating for years and he is now divorced but my husband still hung out with him. It didn't affect my marriage with my husband.

 

My friends telling their husbands affected our friendship. I'm sorry I think their are just things you shouldn't share if you know it's going to affect people. And I can bet a million to one they wish they could take it back, just like I wish I could take back this whole stupid affair!

 

 

Your probably right, it does depend on the person . Maybe that's why they told their husbands, in case it came out later.

 

You sound very remorseful, like you've recognised the damage as a result of the A. I'm sure if you envisaged any of the outcomes you wouldn't have let it happen. These days I think with a lot more logic and consequences are my biggest fear.

 

I know for me I'd have a better chance at keeping the friendship if I didn't tell my H, so I wouldn't tell him. Me putting the distance between us, is in the hopes we could still be friends later. I wouldn't be doing it to desert my friend.

 

I guess the knowledge I've gained over the last 8 months or so, has made me realise potential consequences of affairs. I never knew how much pain a BS could be in following a dday. The Weightloss, depression, suicidal thoughts, hairloss, inability to function at work and so much more. Talk less of how it affects children, seeing their mom/dad crying and devastated. Their world comes crashing down around them. I wouldn't want to know that I was any part of that.

 

We all do things in life we regret and some we aren't so proud of, I'm no exception to that. If you do everything your H requests for R, show remorse always and try and earn his trust back, then you'll be doing all you can. Sorry, I've gone on a bit, but I hope all goes well for you.

[LifelongCheater]

I've been there. Their husbands now recognize you as a toxic friend. They fear you because you're a threat to leading their wives astray. If any of them ask about how you did all this it's because they're thinking about it and are looking for ideas/tips.

[bigman1]

Sorry if this is late, but technical difficulties kept my prior post from appearing. In any event here is my take:

 

The other men distanced themselves from your husband because subconsciously they view him as weak and dangerous. He's viewed as weak for taking you back. I'm not saying that he is or that I agree. Think about your life, most people distance themselves from the person with the defect. In school, in life, whatever. By taking you back, to someone not in his situation, he's weak and thus defective and thus to be avoided.

 

Secondly, they distanced themselves from him because he's dangerous or rather his reaction is dangerous. Again, on a subconscious level, if they embrace him then they signal to their wives that they, the other husbands, are weak. In short, to embrace him would signal to their wives that they could cheat too and still have their family. By distancing themselves from him and most likely telling their wives what they think he should have done then they send a message to their wives. The message they are sending to their wives is, "if you ever did this, I would leave you with nothing, so don't even consider it." It's simple mate guarding.

 

As for your sense of betrayal, yeah, I agree that you were betrayed. Unfortunately, they had to betray you to protect themselves and their marriages from the fallout if or when their spouses found out of your affair and asked them about it. As one poster put it, if the husbands found out that their wife knew and kept it from them, then two big problems emerged. First, they would believe that their wife was, was capable of, or was about to cheat on them as birds of a feather flock together. The other option would be that your friends would have to continue to lie to their husbands, if your affair became public, and deny any knowledge of it. To protect you from the infection that you brought into your marriage, they would have to infect their own marriage with deceit. Easy choice to make for a spouse who wanted to protect or reaffirm their commitment to their marriage.

 

In law, it is said that one who confesses to someone not legally required to keep it secret risks disclosure and has no reasonable expectation of privacy on the matter disclosed. Here, you simply and unfairly asked too much from your friends. That you are sorry for your affair, that you are working on fixing things, etc., is irrelevant to the points above.

 

Maybe if he kicked you out and you were suffering to alleviate the things above, things would be different. I'm not saying you should go through that. The public's reaction to this is irrelevant to your relationship.

Edited March 23, 2015 by bigman1
grammar

[road]

I had an affair for awhile that ended almost a year ago. During my affair I was confused so I consulted my two best frieds of 30 years. I felt at the time that they didn't judge me but actions speak louder and over the course of the year we don't speak as frequently and I sense a weirdness in my one holier than thow friend.

Anyway we had our girls weekend recently, we go away. We were talking about things and they were asking me how it's going and they revealed to me that they had both told their husbands. I am so hurt by this! Their are certain things we keep in the girlfriend vault! So when I had called my girlfriend an month ago her husband was truly cold to me and I asked her point blank if she had told him and she lied and said no. So how are me and my husband supposed to be around them now. I feel like I never want to see them again! I trusted them for support and guidance and my husband and I are in a good place now and working through this nightmare and now I hear that they know, which by the way means that a lot of other people know too!

 

Should I tell them how I feel?

 

 

Does your BH know you had an affair?

 

Does your BH know how else knows about the affair?

 

 

Yes and yes so what is the problem? Bro code, sis code, code codes, well why are you surprised that the spouse code trumps all other codes?

Edited March 23, 2015 by road