Feeling betrayed....

[Ronnie33]

Maybe you are one to keep secrets but some of us don't keep secrets from our spouses. My DH is my best friend and I tell him everything. My loyalties are first and foremost to my DH not my friends. I think it's a little self righteous of the poster to be mad because her friends shared this with their spouse.

 

I am separated but I always kept my friends secrets from my husband or boyfriends. Their secrets are not mine to share. My friends have been in my life for twenty years and if they tell me something and say don't tell my husband because I don't want him to know I won't.

 

I will say this though. During my affair one of my best friends confronted me and asked if something was going on. I never told her up to that point because she was very close to my husband and I didn't want to put her in a situation to ever feel like she was in the middle or had to lie for me. When I told her the truth she got upset and said she would never judge me but she understood why I never told her and she said she didn't want to know anymore and we never spoke of it again. I knew for her it would be something she didn't want to know so I didn't tell her until she confronted me.

 

My two other Bestfriends knew from the beginning and never breathed a word. They also aren't as close to my husband.

 

I think it's great you share everything with your husband but not everyone's relationship is the same.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Tullyseptember]

Would it help Jos to put the "codes" away and rethink instead on what your values look like today after the affair? You may have known these friends for thirty years and shared all sorts of secrets and witnessed bad behaviour on some level with these friends, affairs though can bring up some powerful feelings/reactions that will alter others views on you. It's not your business what others think of you just as it's not others business what you think of them. Continue reflecting on yourself and try real hard not to focus on the fallout outside of you and your Husbands immediate world. You only owe yourself and your husband your attention on your healing journey:)

[Mal78]

Sorry. Just weighing in...

 

I get the "sister/bf code" when it comes to many things such as how "she" likes it in bed or an embarrassing situation. However, if your friends are emotionally invested in you, knowing about something so big such as an A could effect them in other aspects of their lives. They needed to be able to talk to their best friend about it.... *Their Husband*.

 

Because of the "married couple code" they vowed to tell each other any/everything that might be bothering them or weigh heavy on their hearts.

 

Perhaps it's hard to understand that type relationship with your H because you are not there right now.

[Mycatsnuggles]

please don't make this a "noble" gesture on her friends part to share all with their husbands. They were gossiping and sharing juicy tidbits with their hubby's. This was not information that served a purpose beyond making themselves look better then their friend.

 

Exactly what was their purpose in telling their husbands? Exam the motives. Gossip is wrong and that's what this appears to be. Her husband knew of the affair she wanted support and sought her friends help. Instead they shared private info with another not involved party. If her husband wanted to keep the information private from his male friends, which it appears he did as HE did not tell, these friends took the opportunity away from him. While some BS want to expose to the entire world others would like to keep the information from their neighbors and acquaintances.

 

Your friends couldn't resist the urge to gossip.

[Chasing_mya]

With things like infidelity its difficult to tell someone, even if it is a bestfriend. If they have never been in your shoes they will never understand how you feel. It's because of this reason that I kept it to myself. How can they relate or understand? It's a whole new dynamic in itself. People will be judgemental and have their opinion. I'm sorry you feel hurt. If it will make you feel better I'd share my feelings with them and after that just leave it be. There's no point in continuing to drag it on. Its like you're still giving the affair life and you want to move on and heal from the situation. Wishing you the best sweety!

[Josmatjes]

If you confront them they will be defensive, group together maybe to support eachother in justifying their decision to talk to their husbands.

I would back away. Quietly. Its a gray area on whether to tell but most friendship dont support spilling your friends secrets and its hurtful they betrayed that trust.

It will be hurtful to move on from them but it may be healthier for you.

It seems kinda icky they even had to bring up the past affair on a lighthearted girls weekend. They will always do this.

Id rather start fresh with no friends then to deal with them.

The only thing is...dont make a big deal just slip away because a nasty blowout is gonna haunt you and hurt worse.

Just "be busy"...A LOT and just know they will always be stuck in their small lives exchanging gossip but you dont define yourself by your past. Its a new chapter. A new day! Shake it off. Volunteer, switch churches or gyms and slowly build a new social circle, its ok. And it leaves more time to have date nights and less girl drama!

 

Thank you so much! You are right it's a new chapter! Thanks for your support!

[Josmatjes]

How did they react, what did they say when you were cheating? What was their reaction when you told them you wanted to reconcile your marriage? Do you know if they told their husbands before or after you stopped your faithlessness?

 

 

You say you have knowledge of their poor choices. Did their choices involve infidelity? What you did has consequences far beyond hurting your husband and family and you're living them now. Thirty year friendships are hard to come by, my wife and I know that firsthand.

 

 

We had a friendship with a couple who had daughters in school with our two children. We socialized weekly, went on vacations together and celebrated each New Year's eve as a tradition for thirty years. About a dozen years ago the husband's eldest daughter found out her father was unfaithful by happening upon one of his emails to his girlfriend. She told my daughter who told my wife who then told me. We'll be married 42 years next month and share everything but our toothbrushes.

 

 

The wife eventually told my wife who didn't let on she knew because she didn't want to betray our respective daughters' confidences. Since that time our interactions have been less and less frequent and more and more strained until, this past year we, both couples, decided that after thirty years New Years was no longer enjoyable. Of course, what wasn't enjoyable was the gorilla in the room no one was acknowledging.

 

 

I always wanted to clear the air and try to restore what we had but my wife didn't want her friend to know I knew. I still think that was a mistake and regret losing friends of over thirty years.

 

 

You are angry they told their husbands. Be angry that what you did jeopardized more than your marriage and family. If you are truly remorseful then extend that feeling to your friends and open up. You haven't said if your husband had relationships with the people you talked about but part of the healing you should take ownership of has to extend beyond just "forgiving" yourself.

 

 

Don't know if this is helpful but if it isn't ignore it.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

 

 

Thank you so much for your reply. When I told my friend they were surprised because they know me well, they were shocked. But I explained my feelings to them and they understood. You are right about it being the gorilla in the room though. But it's my life, my mistake and there have been many things they came to me with and I never judged.

I'm sorry you lost your friendship but if your friends wife forgave him and they are still married than why can't you still be friends.

[Josmatjes]

Thank you to everyone who posted, whether critical or supportive I read everything with an open mind.

 

I agree that spouses should tell each other but my point was that their are some things I won't tell my husband if I know it's going to affect how he acts around, let's say a friends husband. I know a lot of things about their husbands and I don't tell mine because what purpose would it serve. It may make him uncomfortable. I mean if it's life threatening of course I would. But they told there husbands and now my husband doesn't even want to go golfing with them because he wasn't comfortable with them knowing. I told my friends this.

 

I get that it's a burden and I should never have told them... But I think one of them told cause she needed to release it and the other one it was gossip!

[Josmatjes]

Oh and the best part was that one of my friends was talking to my husband a few months ago because we had separated and he was looking for support. Which is totally okay with me. But here's the thing when she told me... She asked me not to tell him that he had texted her and that she'd told her husband!! Really? So she can tell her husband this? But I can't talk to mine..... Double standards!!

[truncated]

please don't make this a "noble" gesture on her friends part to share all with their husbands. They were gossiping and sharing juicy tidbits with their hubby's. This was not information that served a purpose beyond making themselves look better then their friend.

 

Exactly what was their purpose in telling their husbands? Exam the motives. Gossip is wrong and that's what this appears to be. Her husband knew of the affair she wanted support and sought her friends help. Instead they shared private info with another not involved party. If her husband wanted to keep the information private from his male friends, which it appears he did as HE did not tell, these friends took the opportunity away from him. While some BS want to expose to the entire world others would like to keep the information from their neighbors and acquaintances.

 

Your friends couldn't resist the urge to gossip.

 

 

whoa there. If this is the kind of people these are, then I think the op would likely have noticed that long before now.

 

From what she says, they were privy to lots of information before and it was not shared, why would this urge to gossip suddenly come up?

 

My guess is that is was more a case of them being told something that went against their value system, and they needed to talk to someone about it, so naturally, they took this information to their best friend, who in their case is their husband.

 

It doesn't sound like they were trying to be hurtful. Mind you, this doesn't minimize the hurt the op felt about them sharing the information. It sounds like she needs to talk to them about how she feels and let them know that she is hurt and angry.

[Wifeinpain]

Hypocrisy. You broke vows but expect your friends not to break girl code?most OW don't even believe in the girl code or they wouldn't sleep with other women's husbands.

 

The betrayal your husband suffered was much worse than this. I suggest everyone sitting around and discussing the issue. Let them all know that while you did a reprehensible thing, you and your husband are reconciling and would like their support. If they cannot do that, then they are no longer friends of the marriage and should be immediTely cut from contact.

[Josmatjes]

Hypocrisy. You broke vows but expect your friends not to break girl code?most OW don't even believe in the girl code or they wouldn't sleep with other women's husbands.

 

The betrayal your husband suffered was much worse than this. I suggest everyone sitting around and discussing the issue. Let them all know that while you did a reprehensible thing, you and your husband are reconciling and would like their support. If they cannot do that, then they are no longer friends of the marriage and should be immediTely cut from contact.

 

Your right. Maybe I broke my vows but my marriage has nothing to do with my friendship with these girls . And I didn't just screw someone either... Yes I admit I could of handled things better but things were bad at home and I fell for someone else. It may have gone against my friends value system but it went against mine too and that was why I sought their advice. And maybe my husbands betrayal was worse but you don't know the circumstances of that. I only posted to see if people thought I was overreacting,but apparently it's easier to judge.

[DKT3]

Jos, sometimes when you dump stuff like that on close friends and family it can become their burden. You put them in an uncomfortable situation which their shared with their husbands.

 

I honestly think if you tell a wife something you should assume that you've also told the husband.

 

I can understand you feel betrayed, but what is really the issue? Them telling their husbands or their husbands knowing. Just because your not close enough with your husband to share the things you know about them doesn't mean its the same for them. If you think about in the sense that they my be your best friends, but their best friends are their husbands. Maybe they felt it would be betraying their husbands to with hold the information. Last thought, finding out about you having it in you to cheat, maybe they thought about you maybe having or at some point had eyes on their husbands.

 

Infidelity changes the way people view you, no matter who much you may not want to believe it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you!!! I trusted them and they betrayed that friendship. Should I say something?

 

Seems like a pretty high horse to sit on after having an affair, no?

[Wifeinpain]

Your right. Maybe I broke my vows but my marriage has nothing to do with my friendship with these girls . And I didn't just screw someone either... Yes I admit I could of handled things better but things were bad at home and I fell for someone else. It may have gone against my friends value system but it went against mine too and that was why I sought their advice. And maybe my husbands betrayal was worse but you don't know the circumstances of that. I only posted to see if people thought I was overreacting,but apparently it's easier to judge.

 

I am not judging, just trying to get you to see that their "betrayal" really wasn't...it was simply wives telling their husbands something that most wives would. Don't think about it as a girl code, but rather as husbands and wives really don't keep secrets, especially if said secret is bothering them.

 

You screwed up. You must be remorseful if you are reconciling, so take my advice and sit down with all the couples and tell them to forgive and move on or adios.

[waterwoman]

Someone tells me something that shocks or worries me I would want to tell my husband, not because I want to spread a juicy story but because I'd want to share the burden and talk it over. If I was specifically told not to tell h I wouldn't but it would be difficult.

 

When I found out about h's affair I only told three close female friends knowing full well that the married two would tell their husbands. One couple just shrugged it off but the other couple were a bit uncomfortable with us for a while but they got over it. That is the true sign of friendship, not just keeping secrets .

[Friskyone4u]

What confuses me about this situation is your husbands reaction. There are many people of both sexes who would want nothing to do with mutual friends who all knew about him being betrayed and still socialized with him like nothing was wrong . Your friends probably eat in your house with your husband knoeing you were sleeping with another man. There are a lot of books that would say they are not friends of your marriage to him unless they tried to get you to stop. So your husbands desire to still have these women around surprises me , or at least that he would be upset that he does not see them all socially as much.

As far as the coldness to you by their husbands. Infidelity is a major deal, you know that, and quite honestly there are some men who might not be too thrilled with thier wives going to GNO or girls week ends with someone they know betrayed their husband. They may even be kissed at their wives for not telling your husband . Everyone has different views on this so thee is no right or wrong.

If my wife knew that one of my good friends wife was cheating on him, kept me in the dark , and said nothing I would be furious. Others may differ.

Just as you should not be judged for having an affair, you should not judge their decisions and. Relationships with their spouses.

Wrongly or rightly if you did not have an affair you would all still be good friends.

You are human and we all make mistakes. Accept responsibility for yours

[twosadthings]

Thank you so much for your reply. When I told my friend they were surprised because they know me well, they were shocked. But I explained my feelings to them and they understood. You are right about it being the gorilla in the room though. But it's my life, my mistake and there have been many things they came to me with and I never judged.

I'm sorry you lost your friendship but if your friends wife forgave him and they are still married than why can't you still be friends.

 

Josmatjes,

 

 

They were high school sweethearts, dated through college and are still together but I can't honestly say she has forgiven him. What I can say and perhaps have no right to say this is that my wife and I haven't forgiven him for changing the dynamic of our relationship. He not only betrayed her but he indirectly ended a friendship of thirty years. I know him to be a smart and funny guy who's company, advice and help I appreciated but no longer have.

 

 

That's not to say that I/we couldn't still have it but it couldn't be discussed. Remember, this thread was about the betrayal you felt about your faithlessness being disclosed to your friends' husbands. My feeling is that our friendship never had the chance to continue because my wife and I had to sit on our knowledge of what transpired when we were together. Whether we had the right to address the change in our friendship can be debated but we never had that debate.

 

 

A life worth having is worth working for. Don't just put in the energy necessary, go above and beyond in all aspects of your life and enjoy the fruits of your efforts.

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

[georgia girl]

please don't make this a "noble" gesture on her friends part to share all with their husbands. They were gossiping and sharing juicy tidbits with their hubby's. This was not information that served a purpose beyond making themselves look better then their friend.

 

Exactly what was their purpose in telling their husbands? Exam the motives. Gossip is wrong and that's what this appears to be. Her husband knew of the affair she wanted support and sought her friends help. Instead they shared private info with another not involved party. If her husband wanted to keep the information private from his male friends, which it appears he did as HE did not tell, these friends took the opportunity away from him. While some BS want to expose to the entire world others would like to keep the information from their neighbors and acquaintances.

 

Your friends couldn't resist the urge to gossip.

 

I have to disagree. If I were told this, I would tell my husband - not to gossip but because he is my best friend and the one person I rely on to help me process my thoughts and feelings especially around something as big as this.

 

However, I can also understand why the OP is hurt and uncomfortable. They are good friends. I am sure together you can work through this.

[SleekArchitecture]

I have a pretty humorous story to share (I could not share this among friends) but it has to do with the difference of friendships and unconditional love. My mother of course has unconditional love and found out about my affair in a worst case scenario, but never judged me or looked me in the eye any differently than prior.

 

She went to the country club for brunch and while walking past a group of ladies she knows, she heard them discussing me and the ex. She dropped to her knees behind large potted plants and sculptures right beside them in a corridor. She was like OMG I hope they do not see me and was stunned in that spot thinking what should I do next and how do I get out of here and what if someone, wait staff, comes in and I am on my knees.

 

She found an escape eventually, but never lost any respect for me. She did exaggerate her disgust for OM, (he is handsome), but she exaggerated disgust and acted out pretend vomiting. Ewww yuck, him, hack, yuck.

[the_artist_1970]

I have to disagree. If I were told this, I would tell my husband - not to gossip but because he is my best friend and the one person I rely on to help me process my thoughts and feelings especially around something as big as this.

 

However, I can also understand why the OP is hurt and uncomfortable. They are good friends. I am sure together you can work through this.

 

ITA. My DH is my best friend and I don't have a friend in this world whom I would tell something without my DH knowing. The dynamic of keeping secrets from your spouse is foreign to me.

[LifesontheUp]

ITA. My DH is my best friend and I don't have a friend in this world whom I would tell something without my DH knowing. The dynamic of keeping secrets from your spouse is foreign to me.

 

^^^^ Bingo.

 

Such a good point. I think you should think about that josmatjes.

[Josmatjes]

I'm not saying they shouldn't be forthright with their husbands, but I don't know how manyother people have friendships as long as we have. They are like sisters.

 

Also they then asked me not to tell my husband that they told theirs. I have complete disclosure with MU husband now and we are working very hard to work it out. Was it also ok that they ask me to continue lying to my husband?

[Rainbowlove]

I'm not saying they shouldn't be forthright with their husbands, but I don't know how manyother people have friendships as long as we have. They are like sisters.

 

Also they then asked me not to tell my husband that they told theirs. I have complete disclosure with MU husband now and we are working very hard to work it out. Was it also ok that they ask me to continue lying to my husband?

 

At this point, everyone just needs to be adults and upfront.

 

No secrets. Period.

 

Everything has to come out in the open for all to move forward.

[sandylee1]

Whilst I don't agree or support affairs, I wouldn't tell my H because he would certainly judge that friend and he really wouldn't want me hanging out with her anymore. I reckon he would see her as a bad influence and if he subsequently found out that I knew he would see that as me condoning the affair.

There is no way I'd want him to think that, because that could cause problems in my marriage.

 

 

So I'd be torn between what to do for that reason. TBH I'd likely distance myself from that friend. Then if my H found out later, I could say, yes she told me and I didn't agree so that's why we don't hang together anymore.